A Psychiatrist Said Bipolar. He Was Wrong. And It Almost Cost Her Everything

A prescription is supposed to help you get your life back. What happens when it quietly takes it away instead? I sit down with Stephanie Starr, a program manager and graduate student, whose search for mental health support after a traumatic birth turned into a devastating chain of misdiagnosis, escalating medications, and loss of trust in healthcare.

Stephanie walks us through being told she had bipolar disorder, being put on a rotating “cocktail” of psychiatric meds, and how side effects and instability can snowball into riskier choices, deeper shame, and substance use. We talk openly about benzodiazepines, the warning signs of a pill mill style clinic, and why “just follow doctor’s orders” is not enough when the diagnosis is shaky and the treatment plan only involves more and more medication. Her story also includes the realities of trauma, a suicide attempt, and the way stigma can show up in the very places people go for help.

From there, we shift into recovery and what actually sustains it. Stephanie shares how faith and a higher power became central for her, while also naming the harm that can happen in faith-based recovery spaces that push “just pray it away” thinking or shame people who need medication. We dig into emotional sobriety, AA-style accountability, therapy tools like EMDR, and how learning to tolerate discomfort can be a turning point in addiction recovery.

If this conversation helps you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

To contact Dr. Grover: ammadeeasy@fastmail.com

Transcript

Welcome And Episode Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Hi, I'm Dr. Casey Grove. I spent years practicing emergency medicine for shifting my focus to addiction medicine. I have to go out of care for patients, doing their stories and wanting to do better. Here we talk about recovery, medicine, and compassion. This is addiction medicine making. Today's episode is an interview with Stephanie Starr. If you remember Dr. Fan from some of the previous episodes of this podcast, Dr. Fan and Stephanie are classmates in a master's program. And when Dr. Fan heard Stephanie's recovery story, she thought it would have a lot to teach us. So Stephanie is going to talk to us about a few things that she's learned from her lived experience. And there are two things that are a part of her recovery story that we haven't talked about before. First, she had a very bad experience with doctors. She was given the wrong diagnosis, put on the wrong medications, and as you will hear, this really disrupted her life. She also, looking back, believes that one of the doctors that treated her was actually running a pill mill, meaning a clinic that over-prescribes controlled substances. And as you'll hear, this made it really hard for her to trust doctors. Second, she found faith, a belief in a higher power in her recovery. She shares some of the good things she's found in the faith-based recovery community, but also some of the things that she's found that aren't so good. We had a fantastic conversation. Stephanie is super smart and really insightful. So let's get started with this episode.

Meet Stephanie And Her Second Chance

SPEAKER_00 1:57

All right. Happy Friday. Friday is such a wonderful day of the week. Let's just start by you telling me who you are and what you do.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Good morning, Casey. Thanks so much for having me. My name is Stephanie Starr, and I am a program manager at Wheaton College as well as a master's student here.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

How did you get involved with Wheaton College?

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Funny story, actually. We'll get into it a little bit as we talk today. But I actually started as a student here who received a scholarship through the Chuck Colson Scholarship. And that is for convicted felons who have made a positive life change. And yeah, I was able to get a full ride through that.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

So that would imply you've committed a felony at some point in your life.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

Yes. Yes. That's yeah, that that would be accurate.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Okay. Congratulations on all the progress that you've made. You said you were getting your master's degree.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Correct. Yes, I'll be done at the end of the summer, a master's of arts in ministry leadership.

When A Diagnosis Starts The Spiral

SPEAKER_00 2:54

There you go. So we today were going to talk about when the doctor is the problem. In other words, when your doctor gives you medications, it seems like things are okay. You're listening to your doctor's advice, and yet you find yourself in a bad place with medications.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Yeah, that that's exactly how it happened. Yeah, I was about the last person that you would ever expect to have an addiction problem. I was born and raised in Naperville, Illinois, which is frequently known as the best place to raise your kid, the best schools, all the best things that you could have. So I grew up in a family that was very loving and caring, and parents were married for 45 years and just felt very safe, very sheltered. And I guess you could say I really bought into the idea of the American dream, where if you worked hard and you got an education and you did the right thing, then good things should happen to you. Then you should have a good life if you do all the good things. So that was really the mindset that I had. And I didn't really think of life going any way other than that. I had never seen anything modeled besides that. And that was the trajectory that my life was on. So I went to college, I went to a state school in Michigan and had, I guess you could say, the standard college experience. We did decent in school, but also there was a lot of drinking and just smoking marijuana. Nothing real hard, but just the standard experience, but also because I was able to hold down a job and get decent grades, none of those things were a problem because I was performing just fine. So yeah, I wouldn't say that I had a terrible drug or alcohol problem at that time, but it definitely a binge drinker, and it was just what we did and what I was around, and nobody really seemed to think too much of it. I uh graduated from college and started living life as a young professional, living downtown Chicago. I sort of thought I was Carrie Bradshaw, the whole sex in the city kind of life, where again, I could perform and I held down a job and I was doing well career-wise, and we would still go out and drink and party with my friends, but nothing that anybody would really say would be too much of a problem. And after a while, by the time I was in my late 20s, the hangovers were getting worse and just kind of the consequences were becoming a problem. So I it was time to grow up. It was starting to get better jobs and more responsibility. I had gotten married, and it was time to put the partying away.

Traumatic Birth And Postpartum Warning Signs

SPEAKER_01 5:37

So I had my one daughter, my only daughter, in July of 2011. And that would be while it was the best thing that ever happened to me becoming a mother. It also really was the start of things not being on that trajectory of just. So I had a pretty traumatic birth experience. I we were in the hospital for almost a week after she was born, just so they could monitor me after having an emergency C-section and after 35 hours of labor and her heart rate was down. So just a challenging birth experience as it was. But more importantly, was when I was released from the hospital and got home, I had a boss who said, It's really too bad that you just had a baby because I've got a great assignment for you and a promotion. But you can't do that if you're on maternity leave. And I wanted all the things. Women can have it all. So I took the assignment and I started working three weeks after my daughter was born. So was at home recovering from the C-section and from the traumatic birth, trying to nurse, trying to just get used to being a mother and really didn't give myself a lot of time to heal. And I didn't really think that I needed to take time to heal. It was again that narrative of women can have it all, and you don't have to stop having your career just because you have kids and all of those things. Continued on the you can have it all mindset. And uh I guess my daughter was about 18 months old at the time, and I just was really feeling unwell. I was still trying to nurse her once in a while. I wanted to try to make it to two years because again, that's what they say you should do. And I realized I was having a problem. This would have been December of 2012, and it was the day of that Sandy Hook shooting, that horrible school shooting in Connecticut. And I just remember watching the news and feeling just devastated for those families. I was bawling and holding my daughter, and but at the same time, I could barely care for her. I I couldn't even get her dressed. She was just in a diaper, and I'm good, just you bare minimum to take care of her. And I just, I was like, I'm not feeling right. Something is off. So I went to see a counselor and I told her my symptoms. And she said, It sounds like you have bipolar disorder. And that really, that really freaked me out. It sounded really scary. I didn't know anybody who had any sort of a diagnosed mental illness in my life at that time. I felt a lot of shame and guilt. I felt like it was my fault because I had smoked so much marijuana that I had done this to myself. And the people in my life, I didn't really want to share this with them because it was not a happy positive thing. Right around that same time, I had been offered a promotion with the oil and gas construction company that I had worked for for an opportunity to move to their corporate office. So I guess I earned the promotion. The project got me the promotion. That seemed actually like perfect timing for my family and me. I thought, okay, maybe I just need a change of scenery. Maybe you just go start something new. So we moved down to Texas that spring, and that was where things really just went from bad to worse.

Psychiatry Med Cocktails And Side Effects

SPEAKER_01 9:04

So I had tried to ignore this diagnosis of the bipolar disorder and found myself just under the stress of moving and of a new job and of being a mother. And I was hearing voices and I was just still mentally unwell. And the individual who was in my life at the time was not terribly supportive. It was more like a you need to get this managed and get back on track sort of thing. So I was new to the area. I went to the psychiatrist that was up the road. They took my insurance and went in, told them how I was feeling, said there's this counselor back in Chicago who thinks I have bipolar disorder. And Casey, it's really honestly foggy. I don't remember what kind of testing they did or how they determined if I had bipolar, but they went with the diagnosis and immediately start me then on treatment. So I ran the gamut on pills. I wanted to be compliant. I wanted this to go away. I wanted to be back on track and just have this blip gone. And I would take a cocktail of pills that they would give me and I wouldn't feel better. So I'd go back and say, I'm not feeling right. Okay, we better up this or we better try this or we better do that. And there is, I guess you could say, a stigma around bipolar about how it's so hard to treat people, or there's all these different combinations, and some people might react or might not. And it felt like anytime I would try to say, I don't feel well on this, the answer was never let's explore and see if this is even the right diagnosis. It was let's throw more pills on this, let's just increase. So I found myself having just terrible reactions to just about everything that they would give me. So I take one pill and I would get the terrible life-threatening rash that they would say would come. Or take another pill and I would get so congested I could barely breathe. And it was just this cycle of mood stabilizers and antidepressants and narcotics to help with the mood. And before I knew it, taking those pills, it felt like my behavior actually then started to more mimic more dangerous parts of bipolar disorder. So a lot of risky behavior, a lot of impulsive behavior, not thinking things through before I did them. So I was really living this double life because I could still function at work and I was working on a master's program and I was traveling the world and able to work some pretty high-level projects, but my home life was just really rapidly deteriorating. And I felt like I couldn't talk to people in my life about what was happening again because I could perform and I could make sure that all the metrics for success were there. So I wasn't that screwed up, right?

Trauma, Suicide Attempt, Trust Shattered

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Things just really went from bad to worse when my husband and I decided to divorce. And a divorce in itself is a really stressful period of time, no matter if you are in perfect mental health or not. And during that time, I was also gang raped. And that was my first suicide attempt the week after that happened. I had the pills that the doctor had prescribed to me. And I'd actually read a book about a woman whose sister had committed suicide with these pills that I had sitting right next to me. And she said how many pills her sister took. And so I took one more than what she said in the book. And I was like, this ought to do it. And yeah, and that was my prescription. And I woke up and I was unscathed. But that would really started my trips in and out of rehab, where it would be like medication management, they would call it. And I would get into rehab and I would see a different doctor from who I was usually seeing. And they would put me on something different. I was just still on that cycle.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

You mentioned getting gang raped. That seems like a very key part of this story. Obviously, without being too traumatizing or re-triggering, you mentioned some risky behavior. Was that a situation you ended up in unexpectedly? Or how how did that happen?

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Yeah, I had gone out to a bar that night and yeah, just met the wrong people and met people who could get me drugs. So that was the other thing is that because of how I was feeling on these pills, I knew that there were other things that could kind of counteract that. So if I was feeling really sluggish on some of the pills, I could go get some cocaine to lift myself up. Yeah. So I was out at bars and places that I shouldn't have been and ran into people that I shouldn't have made friends with and got myself in that situation. I will say also, when I went to the hospital after that happened, I was really treated very poorly by the doctors and nurses. And I think they could do blood draws and they could see all the things that I had in my system. And I think they just thought I was some addict or prostitute off the street and was not given a lot of care. It was more of a okay, once you're stabilized, just go. And they actually let me just walk out of the hospital without even any shoes on. I had the hospital socks, and I was just walking home because I had been on the prescriptions and then looking for things to counteract that. Yeah, I was absolutely in the wrong place with the wrong people.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

Got it. So you mentioned you had a suicide attempt and woke up unscathed. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

Yeah, it was really miraculous. And I am a follower of Jesus Christ now, but I certainly was not then. And I can look back now and really see his grace over my life and his hand protecting me, even when I was paying no mind. But yeah, I didn't want to be in my body. I felt like things were so messed up and that they were beyond help and beyond hope at that point. And then these issues I was having with the pills and with my mental health, it was starting to spill over into my work. So I was getting less assignments and I was just seen as not the high potential employee that I once was. And it felt like if I didn't have my marriage, and if I didn't have my work, and if I didn't have my health, and all of these things that I really put my identity in, though those were all disappearing, and I felt like I had nothing to live for. Um, I even felt like I would have more access to my daughter if I was able to see her from another realm. That that was just how far off my theology was. But that was, I truly believed that I would even be doing something better for her. So yeah, very skewed thinking at that point.

Jail, Rehab, And A Clean Slate

SPEAKER_01 16:00

And eventually the drugs caught up with me and I was arrested. And that was the best thing that I never want to happen again because it helped me not only I surrender my life to Jesus Christ in solitary confinement, which was just absolutely unexpected and incredible, but it also got me out from underneath this diagnosis of bipolar disorder. So what happened is I did three months in county jail. And then my sentence was a year in court-assisted rehab. And while I was incarcerated, I was not getting these pills. They're not gonna give me narcotics, they're not gonna give me really anything in a place like that. And I was feeling better. And I'm like, how could this be? I'm in the I'm in jail. I I this is not a place where I should be feeling better at all, but I was. So when I started doing the cord-assisted rehab, you have to take a urine analysis like four times a week. And they just really want to make sure that you are staying on track. And the judge could tell that I was not taking any of my prescribed meds. So, first of all, I don't have insurance anymore. Second of all, I have no money. I can't even go get these meds if I want to. I said, but I feel better. He goes, All right, I'll tell you what. You go to a doctor that I say you go to. And if this doctor says that you have bipolar, then you go back on the meds. And if he says that you don't, then you don't need to. And I went to a doctor, he was old as dirt, and it was at some free clinic. And I don't know who he was, I never saw him again. But I went, saw him, described my symptoms, told him my story, and he's there's nothing wrong with you. You don't have bipolar disorder, you don't have any mental illness. And from then on, I have not needed to take any sort of medications for bipolar. So I say that with caution because I know that bipolar is a serious mental illness and I know that it is a valid diagnosis for many people. So I would never want anybody to be listening to this and just say, oh, I'm probably

Pill Mill Red Flags And Self Advocacy

SPEAKER_01 18:14

fine. But I do wish looking back that I would have advocated more for myself and that I would have let people into my life, my parents or my partner or a trusted friend to help advocate for me. And to not just be so blanket with, okay, the doctors say I have this, and to just blindly go with that, but to really be able to advocate for myself and track and say, I don't feel well when I'm taking this or I'm noticing this behavior now when I'm taking this. And again, it's not to say that everybody who is diagnosed with bipolar does not have it, but I think that there are some safeguards that people can put and be able to advocate for themselves better to not get in this situation so deep because I can look back now and I see where I looked at the waiting room at that psychiatrist, and it was just this huge waiting room full of people. And you can tell people were really addicted and really afflicted. And I was just naive. I was there to get help. It didn't occur to me, but I look back now and I'm like, I could go in there and ask for whatever I wanted, and they would give it to me. It was really this pill mill thing. So had I not felt so much shame and stigma with my diagnosis or felt like it was my fault, perhaps I would have invited more people into my life who could have advocated and been clear headed to do that. So you're not bipolar. I'm not bipolar.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

No, no, I have uh clean bill of mental health. I do deal still with the anxieties or I'll get down sometimes, but but yeah, no, no medications for any mental illness.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

And looking back, do you think it was some postpartum depression that you had? 100%.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Yes, yes. I again just feeling like, oh, postpartum is like something that happens after the first few weeks that the baby's born, or just going along with kind of what society or like what you hear about postpartum, or oh, it can't be that big of a deal. And I look back now and I see I was still trying to nurse my daughter and realizing after the fact that I don't really think I was really even producing any more breast milk. So I I think there was probably a big hormonal shift there. My body just tends to be a little bit more sensitive anyway. So yeah, like reactions to pills. I took ambient before and I stayed awake all night. Just things like that where I my body tends to be more sensitive and then recovering from the C-section or really not rather not taking the time to recover. So I think all of that really played into it. And then just yeah, stressful situations with work, with relationships, with moving. And I did not consider at all that after 18 months I would have anything like postpartum because yeah, the doctor stops checking in on it after six or eight weeks. Yeah, and that was back in 2011, 2012. So even like the internet was not what it is now. Probably now I would put into Chat GPT. I feel like this, but yeah, it was I just didn't know any better

Benzos, Cocaine, And Chasing Control

SPEAKER_01 21:23

back then.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

And I'm assuming they put you on benzodazipines. Yes, yes, love.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

Do you remember which one? Uh I was on clonopin was the big one. They would switch also to Xanax as well.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

Yeah. And when did the illicit substances factor into this?

SPEAKER_01 21:39

So it really got bad when I would go in and out of rehab. And I met somebody in there in particular who had the same diagnosis as me. And I felt, oh wow, here's somebody who finally can understand me and is not judging me for this, and it would actually want to be with me. And so we started a relationship, and that's when things just really got out of hand because I made great money and he had all these connections to get all the things that I wanted and it was yeah terrible combination.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

So Stephanie, I'm gonna say something to you that I want to see if it resonates. I've gone to lots and lots and lots and lots of school. I've studied addiction and the simplified version of addiction is people don't like how they feel and they want to feel better. Does that resonate with your experience?

SPEAKER_01 22:28

100%. And I would even add on to that having the ability to control how I feel is really I think at the core of how I was trying to feel better. Yeah. I knew exactly what drugs would kind of counteract. Okay, I just want to knock out I don't want to think I don't want to be able to move okay I'm gonna do that. Okay, I know I need to go to work and I need to be able to do XYZ and I need to be able to perform okay I'll be able I'll take that. Okay, I need to be able to parent so I need to not be on anything I just need to feel stable right now. And yeah so being able to control how I felt being able to shut off feelings so I don't want to grieve a divorce I don't want to grieve the attack that happened to me. I just want to forget that those things happened. So being able to control those thoughts and feelings was huge.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

I'm gonna add that to my oversimplified description of addiction people don't like how they feel they want to feel better and they want some control. Yeah beautifully said yeah and so you we left your story when you were in court ordered treatment what happened after that yeah so after that I would say I overcorrected then to the faith side and that had its own set of problems.

Faith Based Recovery Help And Harm

SPEAKER_01 23:44

I went through the court program excelled flying colors just like how I would perform in any other situation. And as soon as I got out of the program I stopped and picked up some cannabis there was behavior modification while I was under court supervision. But beyond that I met the requirement and that was it and and I was a Christian then at this point and but I just I knew in my head that the that drugs were not the answer but I didn't have the skill set and the support to to really have that transformation. This would be then the phase of life that I would call going from program to program. And there are faith-based programs there's court based programs there's your traditional Alcoholics anonymous and what I discovered as I relapsed in just about everything that I had been doing before I was incarcerated. I never went back to the pills but cocaine was something I went back to and then I overdosed and I almost died and that made me stop. I'm like okay I've been arrested with this I've now almost died from this I don't have a lot of chances left so that that scared me and that that took that desire away but everything else that I've stopped has really been just me alone in my bedroom on my knees in prayer and really crying out to the Lord and Lord I don't want this in my life anymore and realizing that not just that I was doing something bad or that God would punish me for that because that's not even the case but realizing that he saved me and he spared me from many situations where I should not be here anymore and I should not have anything that I have in my life but for his grace. And it's his kindness that leads to repentance and that's where I've been able to quit cigarettes and quit cannabis and really not ever even have a desire to go back. With some of the faith-based specifically programs, I've seen where people really can get hurt there too because there will be some particularly charismatic traditions that will like just pray it away. You're not praying hard enough you don't have enough faith and that's not true. Those are the kind of things that will pile on that shame and that guilt and you think okay but I still do have the craving to do this or I'm physically addicted to this or I might have a mental illness or a condition that needs medication. And we would never say to somebody who has cancer just pray it away or if you have a broken arm, don't use a cast you just need to have more faith and specifically there's some faith-based programs like a celebrate recovery and those those are fine. They're okay but at least in my case it was that heart transformation and just that really the crying out and like the I want to get better and I will do whatever it takes and through prayer and through faith that that's where the real change has happened. So if I were to recommend a program, I would say just like classic Alcoholics anonymous would work for just about anyone whether you have a substance abuse problem or just like your emotional sobriety we all have things that we want to control or anger or bitterness and a lot of that can manifest or show through addiction but really like there are things deeper down yeah the anger the resentment there's hurt there's grief there's wounds from childhood or young adulthood. And I know that there are some things that I was trying to cover up and hide and substances were a part of that. So I would say now like my lifelong sobriety work that I'm doing is really the emotional sobriety. So continuing to go through what AA would say like you have to surrender to your higher power. So of course mine is Jesus Christ. So that would be me in my room on my knees surrendering I can't do this alone knowing that God can and then looking through and saying okay who am I mad at why am I mad at this? Why am I mad at myself and going through those steps and really it's a lifelong thing like I can't even sit here and sit by have a sobriety date. It's just life and there's ups and downs. It's not on this high up trajectory like I thought it was going to be but I find now that even if I had a craving to use I can pinpoint now and say okay what I'm really trying to do is control my anxiety right now or my anger. Okay, let's redirect okay because I know if I take something I might feel better now but I'm gonna have like more problems to deal with later and I'm just I'm too tired to deal with any more of the problems.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

Yeah I I have to say I really appreciate your honesty as a person of faith about the limitations of some of the faith-based programs. And I'm really open in terms of when people suggest an idea to me about their recovery, I have a joke with my patients they'll come in with some idea and I'm like, I've not tried it, but I'm open to it. And if someone came to me and said Dr. Grover when I put mayonnaise on my left ear I'm sober, I would go buy the mayonnaise because it works. So I have some patients that are deeply spiritual and scripture and prayer and church is a core part of their recovery. But you're right some of the programs the answer is you've got to pray harder and that's not always the right answer. Now we talked about bipolar disorder just a very serious mental illness that usually requires medication. Some of the faith-based programs that I've worked with are not open to medication I'm thinking like you said, we don't make cancer patients pray. But I think it's a very nuanced decision of as what's right for each person. So if one person really just believes that faith is what they need and that works, yay. But to your point, a program like AA that is really comprehensive and has an a structure and an outline and forgiveness and going through your past and accountability that's why it works.

SPEAKER_01 29:58

Exactly there's a reason that programs like that have been around for a hundred years. And it's just a place where you can be open and honest and accountable and not have to hide and the shame goes away when you're around other people who like yeah hey I've I've been there too and or even something like an Al Anon like where you are supporting someone who's going through those things.

Emotional Sobriety And The Toolbox Today

SPEAKER_01 30:21

I can look back in my story and just see where I wanted to hide so much because I did feel shame that I was not okay and I didn't want to burden other people in my life with my not being okay. And yeah I think if I would have really invited them in and been more honest, things might have been different. And that's one of the greatest things about my sobriety journey now is that I can be really honest with my family and my friends, my colleagues to come here to Wheaton College and be able to be here because I have a felony and because I was an addict and to even be able to share that with my students really I think is a level of transparency that's refreshing to people. And that's my prayer is that people feel a confidence that they are not alone. When you start sharing these things, you'd be surprised at what people will share back. Hey I never told people this but I was arrested for a DUI too or hey yeah I've been struggling with XYZ and I don't know how to get out of it. And yeah, bringing these things to the light is one of the best things you can do. So whether that's through a program or through a small group or wherever that is it's having that openness and that honesty and that the shame goes away.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

My daughter my wife and I all have t-shirts or sweatshirts that say be kind everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. So you are right. When you are open and you can share it's amazing what people bring back. So if I may ask you mentioned going to programs you mentioned having a bad moment being incarcerated but it seems like you mentally were finally really open to treatment through that first step of admitting that you were powerless and asking that higher power for help. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_01 32:09

100% yeah I can just look back and see where I tried so many things. Okay, I want to quit this so I'll do this as a substitute instead or I want to quit this so I'm gonna take all the money out of my bank account and put it somewhere where I can't get it and that I'm scrounging for pennies in my daughter's piggy bank. There are just so many things that you can try to put in place to modify your behavior but if your mind and your heart are not transformed you will find a way you will find a way and then it usually comes back even with a vengeance because you have deprived yourself. But there's just a lot of freedom in admitting your weakness there's scripture that says that Christ's power is made perfect in our weakness and that was one that I really leaned on when I was incarcerated because I'm like oh my goodness I have never felt so weak and everyone knew it and I didn't have to hide it anymore. And there was just a lot of freedom there.

SPEAKER_00 33:02

I I grew up in an Episcopalian school so I went to church every day for 10 years and the phrase that comes to mind as you talk about that moment of I am powerless. I'm ready for help is God helps those who helps themselves to pray to be sober versus help me to get sober, it sounds like that was the moment for you.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

Yeah it was truly having that desire of I I don't even know what this sober life will look like for me, but I know what I don't want anymore. And I would rather go the direction of this unknown and walk in faith than stay comfortable quote unquote comfortable where I'm at and that's I think that's where a lot of people can get tripped up too is they know that they don't like the path that they're on but they don't even know what it feels like to do something different. And that's it's scary. It's scary to think okay I can't even go an hour without using something what does it look like to go half a day using it? What does it look like to go a day? Am I gonna have withdrawals? Am I gonna have this and that and you might you might but there's also things beyond that that are better for you and is choosing the discomfort of what's ahead and yeah and just taking those steps in faith.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

Absolutely you absolutely nailed it one of the biggest predictors that I see as a physician when people are really ready to get sober is a willingness to tolerate that discomfort. Yeah yeah so Stephanie what does your recovery look like today?

SPEAKER_01 34:34

Today it's really kind of what I alluded to before it's feeling my feelings and it's I know it sounds cliche but it's okay yeah I'm feeling exhausted and it's not just a physical exhaustion but it's like a spiritual or emotional exhaustion. In the past I would have reached for XYZ I don't do that anymore what's really making me feel this way let's okay take a walk get in prayer put down the work whatever it is that might be leading there and just letting the feeling come and feeling it and it will pass. And having I guess productive things in my toolbox where I'm in therapy regularly processing through for a long time part of the overcorrection was like okay no doctors doctors hurt me. I don't want to be a part of that and it really was about finding the right fit for doctors. So it's now it's blood work to make sure that my supplements are correct because I might be vitamin deficient or it's therapy, it's EMDR, it's so having these things in the toolkit and even when things are going well still keeping those relationships going so that if anything does kind of hit the fan, I have relationships in place with people who know my story. It's not exhausting to have to share with a new person every time what has happened and and yeah just again being open being honest with the people in my life and with my care providers as well. But yeah, it's feeling the feelings and knowing yeah it's uncomfortable to feel anxiety or to feel guilt or to feel shame. But that's a natural part of being human and it's part of my growth and my sanctification.

Writing The Memoir And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 36:18

What's next for you? You mentioned you're going to get your master's what's your next project what are you working on?

SPEAKER_01 36:22

Yeah so I have my eye on a doctor of ministry program. It is in the sacred art of writing so I know that I am called and anointed to write my memoirs and to write about the experiences that I have been led through so graciously by the Lord because you can pull at one of the many threads in my story and somebody would say oh yeah I've been through divorce oh yeah I've had a traumatic birth experience yeah I've been incarcerated or I've had a spouse who was and just showing people that they're not alone in those things, that there's no shame in those things. And yeah, if you let the Lord restore you it really is just so transformative. So that's what I've got my eye on next I'm a lifelong learner.

SPEAKER_00 37:06

I I'll probably always be taking a class I can absolutely relate to that many years of school as well.

SPEAKER_01 37:14

As we wrap up our time together any words of wisdom you want to leave us with just echoing what I think has been the theme of this is to let go of the guilt and the shame by sharing and share with with discernment because not everyone is going to be open or kind or accepting of your story, but there are people who have gone through this and walked through this and the Apostle Paul tells us that the Lord equips us to comfort others in the ways that we have been comforted. If you're going through a challenge like this just know that there is hope on the other side and then you will be equipped to be able to help pull other people out of it too. And it's a really rewarding thing to get to do.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

Yeah to be able to give back absolutely I gotta say Stephanie fantastic talking to you I learned so much. Thank you so much for joining me today. Thanks Casey for having me take care thank you so much for listening to Addiction Medicine Made Easy. If you found this helpful please leave a review it really helps others find the show and a huge thank you to Central Coast Overdose Prevention for supporting this podcast. And always remember treating addiction stays live