05/02/26 United State Of News

This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 Dictatorship for Dummies, 

 The Gorton and Denton Cage Fight, 

 Smackdown

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 5th February 2026 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Woman paid $40 million for a documentary about her hats.

·       Local man Stephen Miller changes name to Goebbles to avoid discrimination.

·       Billionaires turn out to be the perverts we always suspected they were.

But first

To maintain their power, dictators must control the flow of information to the public. This can be done by feeding their lies through unquestioning, slavish propoganderists – did anyone say Fox News? – or – more chillingly – by targeting journalists themselves.

Last week, the Trump administration started a new chapter in their Dictatorship for Dummies playbook by indicting journalists Don Lemon and Georgia Fort, who were covering the Minneapolis protests.

On 18th January, protesters entered the Cities Church in St Paul, interrupting a service, which Lemon and Fort covered as independent journalists. Whether the protestor’s actions are to be condoned or not, the Christian nationalists have got to be pleased more people are going to church, right?

Between 20 and 40 people were there to protest the pastor who was also an ICE official, whose Bible was clearly missing the verse in Leviticus that states, “When an alien resides with you in your land, you shall not oppress the alien.” Unconfirmed reports state this verse may have been replaced by the Book of Stephen Miller, which states, “If they’re brown, turn them down.”

Trump’s Justice Department has charged Lemon and Fort with depriving the constitutional rights of others and they will do this by depriving the journalists of their constitutional rights. The case will be heard in a court of irony later this month.

This action from the DOJ comes hot on the heels of an FBI raid of the home of Washington Post’s journalist Hannah Natanson, which occurred in connection to a case concerning a government contractor illegally retaining classified information – something Trump knows all about.

The raid was described as ‘highly unusual and aggressive.’  As owner of the Washington Post, Jeff Bezos’ voice was not heard in defence of his employee largely because it’s hard to talk with your head is so far up Trump’s arse.

So where does America go from here?

Well, the Editor’s Law was passed in Germany in 1933 by the Third Reich and it nullified the opposition’s voice by requiring all journalists to be racially pure. Thank God, Trump has not gone that far, but not for nothing both Lemon and Fort are people of colour. The President has always taken an aggressive stance toward journalists, dismissing any opposing views as fake media and it is when those in power are no longer held accountable, that we get one page closer to the chapter on goosestepping.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who once reported his neighbour to the police for ‘looking at him funny.’  What have you got for us, Billy?

Weeks ago, few people had heard of Gorton and Denton, perhaps assuming they were an eighties double act who now spend their downtime drinking Lambrini between shows at the end of Cleethorpe’s Pier.

But the ward on the outskirts of Manchester has been thrust into the political limelight by a by-election thought to be a bellweather predictor of the larger local elections in May.

Gorton and Denton has become a battle between old school, new school and didn’t go to school.

Old school is represented by the Labour and Conservatives, two aged parties sliding into obsolescence as witnessed by their repeated references to THE Tick Tok and an insistence that tapioca and jam is viable option for dessert.

But Labour are mounting a large campaign, billing themselves as the only credible left wing alternative to Reform, although alternative feels like a strong term for a party who has adopted many of Reform’s immigration policies and a few from Chairman Moa’s China.

Reform’s candidate is an odd choice. Matt Goodwin is a man who began his career studying the threat of the rising far right. As one of Reform’s more extreme radicalists, it is clear he is poacher turned blame-keeper with continued references to immigrants as the source of all evil. He stated that British Muslims are ‘fundamentally opposed’ to the British way of life and that ‘the rape gang scandal is absolutely a Pakastani-related problem.’

While Reform pretend to be a party for the people, the Green’s have put forward a candidate that actually is a person. Hannah Spencer is a plumber and bookies favourite to win the seat. Her message – consistent with the Green party – is hope vs hate and polling has Greens second behind Reform.

The Lib Dems are also running a candidate, but short of them campaigning from a pogo-stick, it is unlikely anyone will notice.

The by-election may well be a predictor of things to come when votes are cast on 26th February. Like the recent prognostication from the Punxsutawney Phil groundhog, if a shadow is seen by Gorton and Denton, it will likely be cast by Goodwin and spell four long years of a wintery Reform government for us all.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

The world has grown accustomed to footage of American protestors being attacked by other Americans. The freedom to protest seems to have been thrown out the window – the same window an Ice agent smashed to drag a pregnant woman from her car.

The footage is so ubiquitous, national news programs look like a WWE Smackdown. So when a video goes so viral, it stops people shit-posting MAGA for a second, you know something has happened. And this time, it happened in Texas.

Footage has emerged of a 45-year-old man driving passed a student protest, only to stop and attack a school girl. Chad Michael Watts – because of course it had to be a Chad – screwed down his MAGA cap and went in for a brawl, not realising people who aren’t dicks have friends. Chad was attacked by upto a dozen school kids who had clearly had their 10,000 hours on Tekken because they leathered the shit out of him, leaving him to scurry back to his pick-up truck – because of course it had to be a pick-up truck.

When Governor Greg Abbott was asked for a comment, CBS Austen were directed toward a previous tweet where he’d stated, “It’s about time students like these were arrested.”

This comes as part of a wider protest that sees students leaving school to protest against ICE. Abbott has threatened to pull the funding of any school that allows the walkouts as it compromises a student’s education, putting them at risk of such things like never learning how to identify geometric shapes and jeopardising their future careers in the rhombus factory.

Chaddy boy has been arrested on two counts of assault that may lead to jail time, and if he can’t fight off a school girl, he’s gonna love the armed robbers.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.