12/02/26 United State Of News

This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 No one loves me, 

 Toilet government, 

 Bridge over troubled waters.

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 12th February 2026 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Pam Bondi proves blondes always have more chances to protect paedophiles.

·       Trump’s new executive order states following the law is now against the law.

·       Elon Musk’s brother just as successful after opening second shoe shop.

But first

Donald Trump, President of Sucking Big Time, has been on quite a tear on Truth Social lately, slinging shit like a slurry tanker. But his posts, while increasingly poisonous, also seem increasingly desperate and are landing about as well as a plane into a side of a mountain.

He began by posting a Lion King parody where elected leaders were depicted as animals and he as the lion, an animal which famously relies on the females in the pride to do all the work. So far, so Donald, but it was his racist depiction of Barrack and Michelle Obama as apes that blew up in his face like a cartoon stick of dynamite.

The video received the kind of backlash a billionaire senator receives from his dominatrix.  Despite the fact the Whitehouse was forced to remove the video, Donald refused to apologise for it, stating he had only viewed the first half, when he stopped to congratulate himself on identifying all the animals like it was one of his intelligence tests.

Following its removal, the self-proclaimed administration of taking responsibility for its actions responsibly blamed someone else.

But Donald wasn’t finished yet. Despite America’s falling status within the world, the US athletes were greeted warmly when they entered the San Siro Stadium in Italy as part of the Winter Olympic opening ceremony. The only person to boo them was their own President, after Hunter Hess, a freestyle skier, stated to the press that ‘Just because I’m wearing the flag does not mean I represent everything that’s going on in the US.’

Donald called him a real loser and stated ‘he does not represent his country,’ presumably because – even though Hess is an American surrounded by ice – he has yet to beat up a Mexican.

Mostly recently Grandpa Grumpy Pants posted a stinging rebuke of Bad Bunny’s half time show for Superbowl 60. The performance was in Spanish and focused on unity between the many nations that make up north and south America. It was applauded around the world, leading Donald to state the show was ‘absolutely terrible’ and ‘nobody understands a word this guy is saying.

So why is Donald continually pumping out this sewage like he was a British water company?

It’s simple. Bad Bunny was watched by more than 120 million people. As part of the Winter Olympics, Hunter Hess is being watched by 21 million people in the US alone and following Melania’s documentary going down about as well as a barbed wire sandwich, Michelle Obama’s documentary Becoming, has seen a viewership rise of 13,000% on Netflix.

Donald is acting like a spoiled brat because he hates everything that isn’t him and he doesn’t like it when other people steal his limelight. Plus, you know, racist reasons. Donald wants the world’s attention solely on him and he should take solace in the fact that he’ll get it – just as soon as he has his first stroke. We’re all tuning in for that.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who talks to his plants, but only to tell them how fat they are. What have you got for us, Billy?

Keir Starmer’s wobbly government took another hit in the jellies this week after it was dragged into the toilet bowl of the Epstein files and the Prime Minister now finds himself clinging to the sides of the U-bend, hoping to avoid being flushed onto a beach somewhere

After releasing another tranche of files, it was discovered the ex US ambassador Peter Mandelson had much stronger ties to the paedophile sex trafficker than was first thought, bringing into question Starmer’s judgement in hiring him.

The Prime Minister defended himself by stating Mandelson must have lied during the vetting process, which is hardly a surprise for a man once labelled as the Prince of Darkness. And Starmer has been around politicians long enough to know, if they are not speaking lies, someone must be holding their head underwater.

Starmer’s decision was as badly judged as the Eurovision Song contest, but just as political. Despite his connection to Epstein, Mandelson has always been considered an astute political operator; someone who not only knows how to play 4d chess, but also – unlike Trump – knows not to eat the pieces.

So Starmer seems to have overlooked the paedo stuff to have greater influence over the President, or maybe Mandelson was hired because of it. There can’t be that many people who enjoy garden parties with a nonce and given Trump’s name appears in the Epstein files more often than the word ‘the,’ sharing a hobby is a great way to make friends.

But maybe not. Starmer is reportedly livid at the betrayal and Mandelson has been forced to give up his lordship, quit the Labour party and is now under criminal investigation. It might seem like small potatoes until you consider the US punishment for those appearing in the files is one less round of golf with Trump.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

Trump loves construction, whether its buildings, golf courses or lies around his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. Even when he has not built something himself, he likes to claim ownership by putting his name on it, like a dog peeing on a lamppost.

The Gordie Howe International Bridge connecting Canada and America is due to be opened this year, promising to increase trade between the countries. And Trump wants half of it, despite not paying a single penny toward it.

In a blizzard of Truth Social posts, Trump displayed his greed and stupidity in toxic quantities.

He stated, “I will not allow this bridge to open until the United States is fully compensated for everything we have given them.” It is not clear what the US has given Canada, unless it is ferocious hatred of the US, and it’s hard to put a price on uniting an entire nation against an orange fascist who can’t fart without changing his trousers.

In a bizarre twist, Trump also referenced the recent trade deal between Canada and China, claiming China would terminate all the ice hockey in Canada. How the Chinese would achieve this is something logic can not explain. Maybe ghosts? 

Mark Carney, Prime Minister of Canada and of sex, was forced to sit Donald down at the kiddies table and explain Canada had paid for the entire construction of the bridge, and it’s not nice to try and take other people’s toys.

Carney later claimed he’d had a positive conversation with the President, and said Trump was fine after he’d had some jelly and a nap.

Like tariffs, closing the bridge would primarily hurt Americans – a habit Trump can’t seem to kick. So perhaps Trump – instead of trying to steal the bridge like he tries to steal elections - would be better off spending his time squatting under it and scaring away any passing goats instead.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.