19/02/26 United State Of News

 This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 No Chat Show, 

 Dumb Glasses, 

 Land of the Free and Infectious Diseases.

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 19th February 2026 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Reform aim to reduce the minimum wage because poor people shouldn’t have food and clothing.

·       Obama claims there is intelligent life in the universe, just not in the Whitehouse.

·       Trump to totally destroy Iran’s nuclear capabilities after totally destroying them last time.

But first

Bear with me on this one. I’ve got some explaining to do.

America’s Federal Communication Commission regulates radio, TV, satellite and cable, and decides on what can and can’t be shown. The head of the FCC, in the same way the white tip is the head of a boil, is Brendan Carr, a man so in love with Trump, his secondary title is Presidential Litter Box.

This all matters because Carr knows his beloved hates talk show hosts saying mean things about him and so he is looking to prevent anyone calling his Trumpy-Wumpy fat, or orange, or incompetent, or racist, or fascist, or corrupt, or fat. On Jan 24th, Carr issued a letter stating he was considering extending the FCC’s equal time guidance to include talk shows, which it has not done for the past 30 years.

The equal time guidance is the same rule as employed by the BBC. If someone is interviewed about their opinion, the BBC is then required to interview someone with an opposing opinion. For instance, if a politician says they like dogs, then the BBC must speak to someone who likes cats. They don’t have to interview anyone who likes budgerigars, which in this analogy, would be the Liberal Democrats, and they will not shut up about it.

But back in America, this means suppression of free speech. Stephen Colbert, host of the Late Show, was told by his network, he was not able to interview Dem Senate Candidate James Talarico. That he was banned from saying his name or showing a picture of Talarico. He was even banned from mentioning the ban, but Colbert – whose contract will not be renewed due to a previous criticism of Trump – defied the orders, stating in reference to Brendan Carr, “You’re the chairman of the FCC so FCC U.”

So why not just have a Republican on to address the imbalance? Well, firstly because talk shows are primarily a form of entertainment and most Republicans are about as entertaining as getting your dick trapped in a door. Trust me, I wasn’t laughing.

But more importantly, this is not – and never was – about equality. Carr is on record as stating the equal time guidance will not be applied to right wing radio hosts, on which Carr appears frequently. It should also be noted that Carr was only considering applying the guidance to talk shows, meaning there was no need to ban the interview. No need unless you happen to be the owner of the talk show, who also happens to need Trump’s blessing on another merger. Capitulation in advance – as devasting to democracy as the real CIA.

While Colbert was unable to broadcast the interview on his network, he did record and broadcast it for You Tube, and I would encourage everyone to watch it. If for no other reason than to fuck Trump off.

During the interview, Talarico spoke at length of the two central tenants of his Christian faith – to love God and to love neighbours, which had he said that in the nineties would have been a home run. Everyone loved Neighbours. It was on twice a day.

He also stated the interview was only banned because Trump is worried the Dems might flip Texas, and he was therefore willing to flip off free speech. He didn’t say that last part. He’s a Christian, for Christ’s sake.
 
 

There was nothing particularly remarkable or incendiary about the interview other than the context of the ban, which only served to draw more attention to it. It also led Talarico to receive an additional $2.5 million in campaign funds in protest of the ban. The Trump administration could have a billion feet and they’d shoot themselves in every one. It’s yet another example of an administration who is incompetent and running scared.  

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who writes a weekly blog on things he’s seen that might be dead. What have you got for us, Billy?

Mark Zuckerberg, billionaire genius and professional virgin, is preparing to violate our privacy laws yet again with his digital empire that is already the equivalent of rifling through your neighbour’s bikini collection.

Meta’s Smart Glasses for Dumb People is preparing to launch a new feature called Name Tag, a built in scanner allowing the wearer to identify strangers on the street and then download their personal data via an AI assistant. This comes after an earlier controversy where the Smart Glasses have been used by men to record pictures of women without their consent.

AI was supposed to make all our lives easier, but that’s only partially true. If you’re a woman, you’ll soon lament the days when all you had to worry about was the glass ceiling. If you’re a man into stalking, it’s the golden age of technology.

Meta insists it will take a ‘thoughtful approach’ before rolling Name Tag out to the public, but a recent leaked memo shows that not only do they intend to launch regardless, they also know it will be bad for their reputation. And when Meta worries about being put on the naughty step, you know it’s bad.

The New York Times reported on an internal Meta memo that stated, “We will launch during a dynamic political moment environment where many civil society groups we would expect to attack us will have their resources focused on other concerns.”

In other words, we wait until Trump causes another scandal by calling Mark Carney a big gay or something, and while everyone’s distracted, we release our toxic product like we were jetwashing a seagull in crude oil.

This practice is so often employed by big business, it even has it’s own name. Disaster capitalism. While the rest of us are fleeing from our burning home, the oligarch takes that opportunity to target you with ads for fire extinguishers.

They say, money is made in times of crisis, but it is also made by unscrupulous rich people whose moral compass permanently points one way – straight to the shitty end of hell.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

If you’re a fan of Hollywood movies, you might be mistaken for believing all American people are healthy and beautiful, Phillip Seymour Hoffman notwithstanding. But after Trump-licker RFK Jr became head of the Health and Human Services department – an ironic hiring considering he appears to be neither healthy nor human – America is likely to be officially labelled by the world’s scientific community as – riddled.

Measles has now spread to every state, but it began in Texas where the term red neck has taken on a whole new meaning. The outbreak was plagued – pun and withering observation intended – by misinformation from a man who recently claimed he was not afraid of germs because he used to ‘snort cocaine from toilet seats.’

RFK Jr has stated vaccinations are a personal choice. Technically speaking, so is wearing a parachute when jumping from a plane, but it is generally recommended as the bare minimum if you want to avoid becoming a mile wide red stain on the ground.

Instead of vaccinations, RFK Jr recommended taking vitamin A and cod liver oil – neither of which work – but why would that matter for a man who also encouraged the spread of bird flu?

But that’s not all. CDC has detected the spread of a sexually transmitted fungal disease, which is just as disgusting as it sounds. It began in New York and has now spread to Minnesota, proving not everyone was on the streets protesting. So far, there have been 13 confirmed cases, 27 suspected cases and 100% downturn in boners.

Health officials have also warned of a rat born bacterial infection that was initially found in a homeless encampment in California. The infection is spread by rats and while the identity of patient zero is unknown, fingers are being pointed at that guy from Ratatouille.

Cases of influenza are on the rise, as is the whooping cough, and while Covid cases are decreasing nationally, they are on the rise in thirteen different states, ten of which voted for Trump – make of that what you will.

RFK Jr was elected to run Health and Human Services, not because he was qualified, but because he dropped out of the presidential race and Trump owed him a favour. And he began his tenure under auspices of the slogan MAHA – Make America Healthy Again. However, his advisors now feel that is no longer appropriate and have offered MADA as an alternative – Make America Dead Again.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.