26/02/26 United State Of News

This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 D.I.V.O.R.C.E, 

 Ice ice baby, 

 Fight the right to party.

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 26th February 2026 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       North Korea building concentration camps. Sorry, I mean, the US government.

·       Speaker Mike Johnson reveals latest list of things he hasn’t heard about.

·       Trump to stop the Easter Bunny visiting blue states.

But first

For years, the US has maintained a global monopoly on world trade and like the game Monopoly, Europe was happy to play along as long as it shut the kids up and stopped them from asking about mummy’s drinking problem.

But with Trump’s continued tariff taco-ing and his duck-duck-goose approach to applying them, any trade deals reached as a result aren’t worth the crayon they were written with.  And now the US Supreme court has ruled the majority of the tariffs are illegal, the ensuing shit show has proven Europe correct in serving the US with divorce papers with a side order of fuck you.

Europe has recently announced trade deals with India, the world’s fastest growing economy and with the Mercosur nations of South America. Prior to Trump’s meddling, these trade deals had been stuck in negotiations for almost 25 years. After wavering for almost ten years, the UK has announced closer ties to Europe, which has already bolstered the economy. And the NATO nations have committed to greater defence spending to avoid over-reliance on the US. Investments in UK and European drone technology and cyber warfare secures jobs and further growth.

So the truth is Trump is good for business – just not American business, and while the American economy grew by 2.2% in 2025, the world economy grew by 3.2% with the biggest growth being witnessed in India and China. Because like the men who wear khaki shorts, Trump is pushing his trade partners into the arms of other lovers.

Terms like de-coupling and de-risking are becoming increasingly common, but they mask the truth behind them. This is a messy break-up where clothes are tossed from the upstairs window and catshit is warmed in the microwave. They’ll be no coming back from this, especially when America discovers Europe is now dating the yoga instructor they once shared.

And now a quick word from me.

We all know the news is garbage. That’s why I listen to The Dump, a weekly comedy news podcast featuring late night writers and comedians from SNL, The Tonight Show, The Daily Show and more. They put out new episodes every Friday – because just like America, their material is never recycled. The Dump, where all the news belongs. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts or find them at thenewsdump.com.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who has two left feet. In his freezer. What have you got for us, Billy?

Very few people witness a car crash and think, “I wish that was me,” but Reform’s Zia Yusuf has released an immigration policy that feels like he has just rear-ended himself. Following the disastrous ICE policy launched by a Whitehouse with more Nazi’s than ballrooms, Zia hopes to import their Gestapo-like deportation regime to the UK.

Labelled UK Deportation Command – or twats, for short – its goal is to deport 600,000 illegal immigrants in the first year Reform is elected to Parliament, which we can only hope is somewhere near the year 4000 and long after the rest of us have escaped to Mars.

This policy announcement comes just days after Nigel Farage complained that he could not gain entry to the Chagos Islands without any paperwork. Because illegal entry is okay when you’re white.

When asked about the comparison to the American ICE, Zia claims the Deportation Command will not resort to violence while simultaneously using violent rhetoric in his description of immigrants as an ‘invasion.’

Reform refers to Zia as the ‘shadow home secretary,’ despite him being neither an MP nor in the opposition. It’s like describing myself as a shareholder in the retail industry because my mum once bought me a gift card for Top Shop.

Zia also launched a counter terrorism initiative that would mean automatic home searches for anyone suspected of terrorism whose name has been collaborated by three separate authorities, though he declined to mention who these authorities might be. So if Maureen, the racist neighbour joins with Derek, a Third Reich enthusiast, and they form a committee with Julie, who doesn’t like the taste of samosas, together they can get a family’s home ransacked.

Vote Reform and get Trump, a man who has levelled unmitigated cruelty toward his own people and while Reform might say their deportations will be measured, this whole thing smacks of ‘We’ll only be targeting the violent immigrants’ – a claim made by the Whitehouse right up to the point where two US citizens were shot. 

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

The far right are everywhere, like microplastics or reality shows about housewives, and say what you will about MAGA – as long as it contains the word dickheads, I’ll support you –  they have been incredibly successful in taking over. Prior to Trump, they were an unseen, amorphous, malformed, sweaty mass – and some of their members still are – but they coalesced behind the President, formed a united front and threw America into the woodchipper.

And it’s not just America. In Europe, where the far right haven’t already taken over, as in Hungry and Italy, they are emerging as significant opposition parties. There’s Reform in the UK, the AfD in Germany and the National Rally in France. 

Why is the far right gaining so much ground?

Well, it’s not about what they do, but how they do it. It’s their communication strategies that are giving them their edge. After all, most of us wouldn’t have known Haitians eat cats and dog unless Trump hadn’t lied about it first.

It may be as difficult to swallow as an angry wasp, but the left need to adopt their communication methods if they are going to counter their rhetoric, and there are three main strategies to employ.

Firstly, visibility.

Reform leader Nigel Farage would hold a press conference if he opened a new can of beans. Trump too inserts himself into everything, one of the main reasons he is so often accused of sexual assault. When the US Olympians won their gold medal in ice hockey, the story wasn’t about them overcoming a more experienced Canadian team. It was about their phonecall with Trump, a man who has no association with the sport other than him continually skating on political thin ice.

Secondly, make it fun.

Take a look at Farage and once you’ve stopped gagging, you’ll see he’s having a rare old time. There are as many pictures of him laughing as they are rumours about his ties to Russia. He’s rarely without a pint or a cigarette in his hand whereas Keir Starmer looks like someone has just shot his dog. Being a responsible adult is one thing, but being the political equivalent of taking a Valium and a bottle of cough syrup sends voters to sleep.

Thirdly, and most darkly, name an enemy. The far right would have you blame immigrants for everything. They’re stealing your jobs, stealing your houses, they’re the reason you’re fat and why you never remember when its bin day. 

Picking on the most vulnerable is a hallmark of the far right and as Labour have proven, parroting these despicable views makes you about as popular   But the billionaire elites feels like fair game. They don’t pay tax – Jeff Bezos paid none between the years 2007 and 2011. They get government handouts – billionaire Sir Jim Ratcliffe, who recently complained about people on benefits – took £120 million from the UK government in a rescue deal for his chemical plant in Grangemouth. And with the advent of AI, people like Sam Altman will be stealing your jobs.

Using far right communications methods to fight back means the left’s message will have a bigger impact. It's not about how you tackle them, it’s about how big your tackle is

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.