05/03/26 United State Of News

 SPECIAL WHITEHOUSE DROPPING BOMBS AGAIN EDITION

 This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 No Reason, No Doubt, 

 Funhouse of Horrors, 

 Rebel Scum.

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 5th March 2026 and this is the United State of News with another edition of The Whitehouse has Started Another War. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Farage protects UK’s sovereignty so he can give it away to Trump.

·       Epic Fury voted the coolest name for a military operation by 14 year old boys.

·       If it’s the end of the world, hands up if you’re about to be saved by Jesus. Keep yours down, Trump.

But first

During an art class at junior school, I once tore up my friend’s drawing of Garfield the Cat. I don’t know why I did it. He was a good friend and I was a fan of Garfield because I too liked lasagne. When the teacher asked me why I’d been so destructive, I also don’t know why I answered her by doing a little dance.

The teacher was so confused by my actions, she proceeded to ask my classmates why I was so fucking mental. And that’s where we are with the Iranian war. Trump has gone nuts. No one knows why and the Republican party has been left to try and explain the actions of a man who should – by rights – be sedated and studied like a mouse with an ear on its back.

Following the invasion, Ohio Congressman Mike Turner claimed Iran was attacked because there was an intention to pursue nuclear weaponry. An intention. I might intend on going on a diet, but that doesn’t make me thin and it certainly doesn’t make me an imminent threat to the US public, unless I can get cast in America’s Next Top Model because, believe me, I can be a bitch.

By Mike’s rationale, any country even thinking of doing something the Whitehouse disagrees with, means the US has a right to kill your citizens. America has become the world’s thought police and all those annoying relatives that send you George Orwell 1984 memes now get to say, “I told you so.”

Ted Cruz, the Texan Senator, was asked about Iran’s nuclear capability and stated, “I do not have present day intelligence,” and we can all agree on that, but then went on to say, Iran was nowhere near having nuclear weapons, echoing an earlier report given to Congress by the Pentagon that stated there was no evidence Iran was about to attack.

For once, I believe Ted because he is man who runs from a threat. When Texas was faced with a severe winter storm in 2021 and severe flooding in 2025, both times, Ted fled the state to go on holiday. The only time we should worry about nuclear bombs is when Ted is covered in sun screen and he’s got his bogey board out.

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton, a man so anti-DEI, he won’t even eat brown bread, tried to reassure the country by saying, “The President has no plans for any kind of large scale ground force inside of Iran.” We all agree with the first part. The President has no plans, unless it is to further distract us from the Epstein files. And Tom couldn’t even guarantee that, saying later on that day, he doesn’t rule out the idea of boots on the ground entirely, a sentiment that is now doing the rounds in Whitehouse press briefings.

It's not the Republican’s fault. Trump failed to notify Congress of his reasons to invade and seemed to disappear the moment the first bomb dropped. Just like us, his party had no idea why he invaded Iran and this left them twisting in the wind like a dog poo bag swinging from a tree. The only thing we can say with absolute clarity is – like those poo bags – they’re all full of shit.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who gives himself a round of applause after every wee. What have you got for us, Billy?

There’s only one thing scarier than an out-of-control war with Iran, and that’s clowns. Specifically, the clowns in charge of keeping Americans safe from domestic reprisal attacks from Iranian holy war soldiers, who have just been given a really good reason to strap on one of their special vests.

The administration is struggling to justify their war, but to fill in the gap left behind when logic left the building, Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth gave a rousing speech where he declared this would not be a ‘politically correct war.’ And Petey knows what he’s talking about. Prior to being a warmonger, he was a Fox and Friends Weekend host and those girls don’t mind using their nails. Plus he’s an absolute drinking legend whose skin tone can best be described as Liver Collapse Yellow.

Meanwhile, three F-15 fighter jets were shot down by friendly fire in Kuwait because Pete forgot to tell them the US had started a war. Each jet cost $90 million. That’s $270 million lost because Pete was too busy shotgunning Budweiser to pick up the phone.

Clown.

But don’t worry. The next line of defence is Kash Patel, head of the FBI, who was last seen stealing valour from the US hockey team in the same way he stole tax-payers money to provide his girlfriend with 24 hour protection. Kash heads a team called CI-12, a counter-intelligence division that – amongst other things -specialises in stopping highly trained Iranian operatives from entering the country.

Except Kash – a man who, in every photograph, looks at the camera like it is the first time he’s seen one – fired a dozen agents from this division because they were part of the team who investigated Trump for keeping classified documents in his toilet.

Double clown.

But don’t worry, don’t worry. Next comes the department of Homeland Security, headed by Kristi Noem, a woman who’s face is so frozen from Botox, we can’t tell if she’s had a good morning dump or if she is screaming in terror.

The Iranian secret service are experts in cyber warfare and it is Kristi’s job to hire a competent cyber czar to counter these attacks. But Kristi fired this czar days before the Iranian invasion began so there is no one leading the team. That said, the man she hired, not only uploaded delicate intelligence information into ChatGPT, where it was accessible to the whole world, he also failed a counter-intelligence polygraph test, meaning he could have been working for the fucking Iranians the whole time.

Botox clown.

The Washington Post and the New York Times have both reported Trump started the Iranian war as a favour to Israel. But a favour is lending Netanyahu your lawnmower. It’s babysitting a neightbour’s kid even though it cries all the time and is 90% snot. It is not bombing an erratic and dangerous regime when all you have to defend yourself is a chorus line of clowns tripping over their hilarious big shoes.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

It’s not often Prime Minister Kier Starmer can be accused of being a bad boy, but he rebelled and wriggled out from under Trump’s boot, refusing to be part of his illegal war. He finally had his Love, Actually moment, standing up for his country instead of being that weird one who took videos of Keira Knightly without her consent.

Starmer refused to allow the British military to be part of the initial strikes against Iran and only allowed military bases to be used in a defensive capacity, stating he had to do what was in ‘Britain’s national interest,’ which must be a new feeling for him.

Maybe it will go to his head and when we next see him at Prime Minister’s Questions, he’ll be wearing a leather jacket with a toothpick in the corner of his mouth.

The truth is the British military is so depleted, Starmer had little support to offer the US, other than a couple of pea-shooters stamped with the Union Jack and a single elderly soldier shouting, “Don’t tell them your name, Pike.”

And maybe he’s been a little emboldened by the fact Trump’s whipping stick has been taken away by the Supreme Court. Ever since tariffs have been ruled illegal, Trump has been neutered, which when you see the state of his son Baron, should have happened years ago. 

Trump was incensed, stating “the UK has not been very helpful. It’s sad to see the relationship is not what it once was. Starmer is no Winston Churchill.” Which must be a disappointment for Trump as Churchill was a white supremacist and they would have got on like a cross on fire.

Other world leaders have been muted on their response to the war with Australia and Canada openly supporting Trump, but Starmer did find an ally in Spain’s Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez who stated the war was an “unjustified, dangerous military intervention.”

Once again, Trump spat out McDonalds and immediately stated he would issue an embargo against Spain, which would ultimately cost the American public billions of dollars in revenue. But it’s hardly a surprise Trump doesn’t care about his people as evidenced by the fact he has yet to rescue the US citizens trapped in a war torn landscape he created, but he did rescue 6 MAGA influencers in a private jet.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.