12/03/26 United State Of News

This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 Save Action Heroes, 

 No Confidence, 

 They're Lying to You.

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 12th March 2026 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Trump wears baseball cap to honour fallen soldiers because his dunce cap is in the wash.

·       Cost of filling car with petrol set to rise from one to three kidneys.

·       Israel lays out Trump’s clothes for him every morning.

But first

Most Presidents would be worried about the disastrous PR they’re receiving from an illegal war that is costing the American public $1 billion dollars a day and has achieved nothing except spiking oil prices, kill Iranian schoolgirls and replace an 86 year old tyrant with a 56 year old one.

But it comes as no surprise that Trump is only worried about himself, and the midterms in particular, where the Republican party will be wiped out in the same way Kevin Spacey wiped out his career. As a result, Trump is desperately trying to pass the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility act, a piece of legislation that will suppress Democratic votes. It’s known as the SAVE act because Trump hopes it will save his arse from being impeached.

The panicking President issued a Truth Social post stating he will not sign any other bills into law until the Save Act is passed through Congress - the very definition of taking his ballroom and going home. 

If passed, it will mean in order to vote, a US citizen would require photo ID, as well as a valid passport or birth certificate. But around 50% of Americans don’t own a valid passport, although 42% of them own a gun, which tells you a little about their priorities. To buy a new passport costs about $130 and amid nationwide rising costs, that’s the difference between voting and being able to afford Little Jimmy’s first AK-47.

And as for birth certificates, most of us can’t remember where we parked the car, nevermind where we find the paperwork we got as a newborn.

In addition, Trump wants to ban mail-in and online voting, to send election officials to prison for five years if they make a mistake, and additional documentation will be required by anyone who has changed their name after marriage, has moved house or changed party affiliation.

Trump will tell you the SAVE act is needed to prevent voter fraud and he’ll tell you this in broken English and made-up words, whilst stopping mid sentence to tell you how nice his curtains are. But in over 25 years, there has been less than 1% instances of voter fraud – the same percentage that describes how much Melania loves her husband.

At the United State of News, we rarely end on a positive note, unless it’s to say we’re positive Trump is a knob, but buckle-up, buckaroos, we’ve got good tidings. The act is unlikely to pass through Congress as it needs to clear a 60 vote hurdle, which Republicans don’t have. Trump could pass the act through executive order, but that leaves him open to legal challenges by anyone who thinks he’s a senile old baby-man, and that’s everyone. And even if it passes in some form, the act is designed to make voting so arduous, voters will stay home instead, but I think Trump has underestimated how much he is detested. In fact, there are rumours he is no longer been shown the polling figures that put his popularity at an all time low.

No one can tell Americans what to do, especially if you’re asking them to keep it down in a restaurant. And the moment you tell them they can’t vote, they’ll crawl over broken glass just to prove you wrong.

And now a quick word from me

As part of United State of News, we are about to launch Spotlight On, a limited series profiling 4 right wingers benefiting from the rise of fascism. Some you’ll know, some you’ll have heard of, but all of them are worth your attention. Tune in to find out who wanted to start their business on a Native American reservation to avoid paying tax, who said accommodating schoolchildren with learning difficulties was insane, and who refused to send condolences to the parents of a dead student because they were black.

Follow now to receive your new extra podcast episodes.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who really likes needlepoint and there’s nothing wrong with that. What have you got for us, Billy?

When the far right party Reform won 677 UK council seats last May, leader and walking tobacco stain Nigel Farage stated his party would be judged on their performance. Less than twelve months on, the Reform Council leader for Warwickshire – George Finch - is facing a vote of no-confidence due ‘his abuse of the office of leader’.

At 19 years old, George is the youngest council leader in British history, and if his strong of controversies prove anything, it’s that young men should stay away from political office to concentrate on growing their first moustache.

One controversy occurred when George recommended changes to which children qualified for a free bus ride to school. In order to cut costs of 16%, his proposals were for children under eight to walk 4 miles to school and 4 miles back. The walk to one school runs alongside a busy road so this distance would be lessened significantly if they were accidentally run over.

He also accused Warwickshire police of a cover-up because they failed to reveal the asylum status of two men charged in with the rape of a twelve year old girl. Police didn’t reveal their immigration status because they were following national guidance and because they understand scum is scum, no matter what country it comes from.

So George – a boy so inexperienced, he still hasn’t been on a rollercoaster without his mum -  decided to reveal the information himself and potentially undermine the case. Because what’s more important? Justice for the victim or everyone knowing the accused men are brown?

In reference to the vote of no confidence, George stated, “Those trying to remove me have offered no alternative council plan,” though it seems one alternative would be to replace him with a sack of potatoes – a non-racist one.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

Claiming the Whitehouse is economical with the truth feels uncontentious. Saying it is as easy as shooting Iranian civilians in a barrel, but it’s different when it comes to war. If people are willing to lay down their lives for you, the bare minimum you can give in return is the truth. But this is an administration that won’t even say they’re at war. They dance around the idea, calling it a conflict, a short term operation, an excursion, a weekend break, a jolly, or just popping over to get some Duty Free.

Because if it’s labelled a war, it becomes official and this pressurises them to go to Congress, and Trump wants that as much as he wants more liver spots.

Going to Congress is like sitting a school exam where you have to show your workings-out. When faced with the question, “Should you destabilise the Middle-East for no reason?” and you answer immediately with, “It’s bomb o’clock, baby,” you’ll have to explain why.

So they’re hiding the fact they’re at war, but they’re also hiding the consequences of that war.

Earlier this week, the Whitehouse blocked a security bulletin compiled by the FBI, DHS and NCC, which is enough letters to fuel a whole season of Sesame Street, so you know it’s serious. The bulletin contained a warning that US citizens were at a heightened risk of a terror attack following the ‘holiday’ in Iran. It was blocked because the Whitehouse claimed it was not well written. Compared to one of Trump’s Truth Social posts, it would have to be written in Wingdings for this to be of any real concern.

Similarly, the Pentagon had previously stated only 8 American soldiers had been injured in the war, which if true would have been evidence of a well-oiled war machine at work. But of course, it wasn’t. Reuters revealed the real number to be closer to 150, forcing Secretary of War Pete Beer-Breath, to admit the number was around 140.

This is a real war with real consequences.

Like a child who claims it didn’t eat the fondant fancy while it’s still smeared around its mouth, the Whitehouse has been caught out in a war without justification. And like that child, they should all go to jail.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.