Reasonably Certain

Growing a Backbone and Not Being Afraid to be a B*tch

• Ellen Larson • Episode 22

Share episode

EP #22: Ellen has often talked about how she grew up as a major people pleaser. Through years of therapy and the use of modern medicine, she has found the path to the light and grown a back bone.


FOLLOW ELLEN:

https://www.instagram.com/larsonellen/

https://www.tiktok.com/@larsonellen

https://www.youtube.com/c/ellenn

https://bento.me/ellenn


TO BE FEATURED IN REASONABLY CERTAIN:

☆ Q&A with Ellen: https://forms.gle/onN4potuyDm4hn6g8

☆ Dating Mishaps and Wholesome Moments: https://forms.gle/vDVZVcauc3JypcDE9


FOLLOW REASONABLY CERTAIN:

https://www.instagram.com/reasonablycertain/

https://www.tiktok.com/@reasonablycertain

https://linktr.ee/reasonablycertain

Follow on Spotify: 

https://open.spotify.com/show/0suDCk9ZpKFby2QKm54pdY?si=8fecd442bd014907

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/reasonably-certain/id1755043636



WATCH REASONABLY CERTAIN ON YOUTUBE:

https://bit.ly/45VSnBh



Business Inquiries: reasonablycertainpod@gmail.com


Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.



>> Ellen:

Hey, guys. Welcome back to Reasonably Certain. My name is Ellen. This is episode 22. And in today's episode, we're going toa be talking about how to grow a backbone and not being afraid to be, uh, up. I don't want to say it that early on just in case it gets me demonetized on YouTube, but you know what I mean, if you read the title. Before we get into the main topic, let's talk about what I've been up to over the past week. I have my hair up in a ponytail today, if you're watching, and so you can't really see what it looks like. But I did show in the last episode that I was not thrilled with the way that my highlights turned out. So I went to Beth's hair story and I got more hair supplies. So I'm gonna attempt to just do it myself again. Maybe tomorrow. I don't know. We'll see when I have time because it's kind of. It's going to take me a lot of time. Um, then I went to a cat cafe with my friend arena, and I didn't feel any allergies to cats. So that's really, really exciting because I've been severely allergic to cats, like, my entire life. Like, we had cats when I was little, and then we quickly, you know, noticed, or my mom quickly noticed that I was obviously not okay, and I was clearly having some sort of allergic reaction to the cats. So I got allergy tested when I was like 9 or 10, and I was, like, super allergic to cats, then a little bit less allergic to dogs, and then allergic to dust and dust mites. And so the doctor was like, oh, well, I guess you just have to get rid of your cats. And I was, like, crying because I'm like, why would I do that? That's cruel. So we didn't get rid of the cats, obviously. My mom was like, why would you tell a small child that they have to get rid of their pets? Like, that's so messed up. So we obviously did not get rid of the cats. We just kept them until they passed away. And, yeah, so I haven't had a cat since because of my whole life, I have been much more allergic to cats than I have been to dogs, although I've been pretty severely allergic to both. Like, we had a dog growing up too, a black lab, and I got sort of used to his allergens just because, of course, like, if you're around one animal for enough time, you will grow a little bit more used to their allergens. But I still had to, like, wash my hands every time I pet him. He was only allowed to be, like, on the tile. And we didn't let him into, like, bedrooms or anything like that to try and, like, minimize hair and dander everywhere. So, yeah, it still kind of sucked because, like, I was still allergic, even though I got used to his specific allergens. But thenm, um, you know, I can't really be around other dogs, and people say there's such thing as hypoallergenic dogs. There's not. There's no such thing. Um, but my mom does have a standard poodle now, and I am still allergic to a standard poodle. Like, I feel a little bit less worried about, like, hugging him and, like, petting him because he does have hair and not fur. But I still get, like, severely allergic. Like, I get, like, super itchy eyes, runny nose, itchy throat, itchy ears. It's not good. It's not good. Like, I get really allergic even to a standard poodle. So it doesn't really matter. Uh, the type of dog. I'm allergic to them all. Um, so when I got re allergy tested a couple weeks ago on my prick tests on my arms, dog and dust mites showed up, like, really intensely. And then the cat almost didn't show up. And I was like, I know it's itchy and I can feel it, but it's not showing up as red and severe as, like, the dog. And the dust mites were actually horrible. I'm super, super allergic to dust mites, and I got patch tested for nickels. So I'm also super, super allergic to nickel. But cats barely showed up. And I was like, what? And I'm like, well, I guess I haven't been around a cat in a while to even put that theory to the test. So I asked my friend Areinaa, who's also allergic to all the things, same things I'm allergic to. Um, but she was like, yeah, I haven't been around a cat in a while either, and she would love to own a cat hopefully soon. So we were like, let's just go to a cat cafe and see if we're still allergic. And I don't think either of us had any severe reactions. Like, I don't want to say for sure I'm not super allergic because I was only there for like an hour. And then I showered as soon as I got home. So it's not like I really had time to, like, sit in the dander. But I pet all the Cats. I was in a cat cafe, where it's, like, literally a hot spot for cat dander. And I didn't have any severe reactions. I didn't even get an itchy eye or itchy nose, runny nose, didn't m. Sneeze. Like, I didn't have any reactions. Especially when I compare it to, like, two weeks before that, I went horseback riding outdoors and just sitting next to the horses and in the breezeway between the stalls and the barns and everything. I was still outside. I never entered a barn. I was just standing outside next to the horses. But we were in, you know, kind of a breezeway, I guess you could say. Like, um, an area between barns. And I was suffering. Within about 10 minutes of arriving, I was sneezing. I was getting itchy eyes already, and that was like being outdoors. So that's how severe my allergies were. Just, like, being next to horses and, like, it is a dusty environment. I could be allergic to hay as well. Like, there's other things I could be allergic to in that environment. But then comparing that experience where I was, like, very clearly having an allergic reaction, like, 10 minutes into arriving versus the cat cafe, where it's indoors, I'm surrounded by cats, surrounded by all their beds and blankets and toys and whatever, and, like, didn't really notice a reaction at all. That's a huge win for me. I can't believe it. I may have officially grown out of my cat allergy. I'm gonna start getting allergy, uh, shots. So I think we're still gonna add cat to the mix just to make sure that I stay not allergic to cats, but I may not really be allergic anymore. So now I'm like, oh, my God, like, do I want a cat? No, I don't. Uh, I miss having a pet, though, so bad. But, like, I think if I do get a pet, though, my first pet probably will be a cat. Because if I could have a pet that I'm not allergic to because I'm super allergic to dogs and horses, like, that would be great. But I also just kind of still don't want to take care of an animal right now. And if I ever go on a trip, I just don't want to worry about getting somebody to take care of it and, like, whatever. So I probably will get a cat as my first pet in the next five years, maybe, but not in the super short term. But it is exciting. It's exciting that I can be roten cats. I'm so happy. I also took Thursday and Friday off work this week and I just ran uh, errands on Thursday. That's when I went to like the hair store and like I went to Media Market and then I went to the Superrate del Cor Glai which is reopened I think. So it's like really new. It's very fancy. It's kind of like a special occasion store for me because it's not really nearby where I live so I have to take the bus to go there. But it is worth it once in a while because they have like a really huge section of chark gluten free stuff and it's just nice to switch it up once in a while then going to like the same like Mar Americanadona all the time and whatever. So that was nice. That's what I did on Thursday and then we went to the cat cafe later that day. Friday I slept until like 4pm, woke up, did my nails, went back to sleep. Yesterday was Saturday and I also slept until like 4pm I just needed like two days to just sleep and like basically do nothing. So yesterday when I woke up around fourock I was like, okay, I'm hungry. I don't really have any food already made so I'm going to make some mashed potatoes because those sound really good. And I just bought like a big like 5 pound bag of potatoes the other week so I need to use them up and I have a really job like I have awkward sized saucepans. So like my medium one that's like the one that I use most often for my larger meals. The pot that I have fit just enough potatoes for me to make mashed potatoes. And so I was boiling them, diced, like diced the potatoes, boiling them in the water and it was pretty much full, like the pot was full. So it was like a little risky to begin with and I knew that but I was like it's fine. Like I'm just going to drain it into the sink. The sink is like a foot away. Like it's go going toa be fine. Uh, it was not fine. It was not fine. So. Oh, be uh, careful guys. Don't get too comfortable when you're cooking because stuff like this happens. So I pulled my pot over to the sink to tip it over into the strainer. But the handles of the pot were pretty hot still. Even though I normally never need like oven mitts to handle the pot handles, I, I mean I do it all the time with bare hands so I knew I could. But I think because the level of water was much higher than what I normally cook with it. Made the handles just like teeny bit hotter than normal. So I set it down on the like, little piece of countertop that's in front of the sink. And I was about to tip it forward, but I didn't set it down even enough so it came u. It was off balance and it was just leaned a little bit too far towards me. And the potato water, boiling water spilled on my leg and I, like, freaked out. I shoved the pot into the sink so that it wouldn't spill all over me even more. So it like tilted a bit, spilled on me. I was like, oh, shit. I like pushed it forward into the sink. I backed up and I was like, oh, my God. Oh my God. I was wearing yoga pants. So I'm like trying to pull the pants, like stretch the fabric off my legs so that the water cools a little bit before it's like totally sticking to my leg. And then I was like, I just, I didn't even cry. I didn't even freak out. I was just like, full blown, like, adrenaline mode. Like, okay, I'm burned. How do I deal with a burn? Oh, my God. So I'm like, in the bathroom, ripped my pants off. Might have been a bit premature, but I'm kind of glad I did it now because I did it within like 10 seconds after getting burned. And I just wanted to get my pants off as quickly as I could so that like, the hot liquid fabric wasn't like sticking to my legs still. So then I was like sitting there googling, like, okay, I think I already know this, but just how do I handle a, uh, boiling water burn? And so I just sat in the shower for 20 minutes with like cold water running on my leg. And then, I mean, that's pretty much all you do is you just run like icy cold water over it for like 20 minutes. Because your skin can still burn even after you remove, like, whatever object was burning it. It can still. Like, the skin is still hot. So you have to cool the skin down. Not with ice, just with cold water for a while until it like kind of settles a little bit. And then you can put like a wound dressing on. So, uh, it's not super, super painful, thankfully, but it is probably like a 4 inch by 6 inch area on my thigh that's burned. I've never burned myself that badly before, so pretty gross. Tmi. Like the skin kind of peeled a little bit. Um, but thankfully I had a whole box of Tegadederm that I brought with me from the US Because I just. I always need bandages for something. I'm just like. I'm always prone to, like, hurting myself and needing bandages for something. So I'm so thankful that I had a whole box of Tegadederm and I just cleaned it, let it dry, put some aquaphor on, and then covered the whole thing with teedderm and the teoderm did start peeling off. So then I used like the big regular band aids and started like, patching around the edge of where the tegederm was like, starting to come up. So I have like Tegederm covering the aquafor and then around the whole edge I have like a bunch of band ads. But now it's staying and it seems pretty secure. So I'm just going to leave it like that for a few days until I probably have to change the bandage. U uh, yeah. So, uh, I guess mor of the story, be careful when you're cooking because I got a little bit too comfortable, wasn't paying attention and being careful enough with a boiling pot of water and spilled it on myself. So don't do that. Uh, did still save the most of the mashed potatoes though. I think only like five or six pieces of potatoes fell out of the pot. So I still made mashed potatoes after that and they tasted really good. So, uh, overall, not a total. Didn't totally ruin my night. I still got to eat mashed potatoes. Um, um, so that was last night and then I, um. Um, today is Sunday when I'm filming this. In about an hour, I have to leave to go to an improv class for the first time. So I mentioned that last week. I think I'm gonna try and do like a little TikTok vlog or something. Um, yeah, I'm kind of nervous, but, like, I want to do it to help battle social anxiety, get used to just, like, not caring. I mean, I already. Part of this episode is already kind of like not caring what people think about me. But it's like, even better to practice it more and put yourself in even more, like, slightly uncomfortable situations so that you just practice, like, not caring. M. Yeah. So I'll update you guys on that, uh, once I come back probably in next week's episode. But if you follow me on TikTok, you'll be able to see it there before next week. Um, okay, so main topic of the episode is growing a backbone and not being afraid to be a bitch. And I'm just going to get into it. So if you don't know me or if you didn't know me growing up. I. And if you haven't heard previous episodes, I've already talked about this quite a bit. But I grew up as a major people pleaser. Um, honestly, only in the last, like, five years have I been learning how to undo that. Uh, mostly because I started therapy and then I think actually I did a lot of, like, self reflecting during COVID I spent a lot of time alone, so I had a lot of time to, like, think about things and think about myself and, um, go to therapy. Yeah. And then even more recently, like, in the past two years, I've been working on being comfortable with people not liking me. That's been a really difficult one for me as a people pleaser. And then even more recently, like, in the past year, I've been working on being comfortable being a bitch. Which I say bitch, but I think if you understand where I'm coming from, it doesn't mean that I'm literally being a bitch, but it's like taking back the word a little bit. Because as soon as you start to put up boundaries, start to be really firm in, like, what you will accept for yourself in your life and what you won't accept, people tend to call you a bitch. It doesn't mean that you're literally being a bitch. You're not like, going out of your way to try to be a bitch to people. It just is kind of like reclaiming the word. Like, okay, then I guess I'll be a bitch then. You know, like that TikTok sound that's like, well, what if people call you a bitch? Or like, what if? I'll put it up. Cause I can't remember the exact soung bam. Um, what if those who get lost in the Bermuda Triangle are time traveling? What if? But then it's like, what if? What if? Okay, I guess I'll be a bitch then. You know what I mean? So it's kind of like taking it back and being like, cool. I guess I am. Then what? Like, all right, so that's a lot of what I worked on in therapy is like, then what? And what? Okay. And that kind of thing. Um, so of course, a lot of this also has to do with dating and the recent election results. Kind of like revamping this feeling in myself and also just me being comfortable and setting very firm boundaries and not being afraid of what other people think of my opinions, uh, boundaries, feelings, everything like that. I wish I was told how to have boundaries when I was younger, because I know for a fact it would have helped me so much in life, just like in any, any area of life would have helped a lot. But hey, never too late to learn. I know so many people who just are in like their 50s and 60s and still don't know how to set boundaries because I think it's very much like a of the time thing. Like, I don't think before the past few years people even knew what the word boundaries was. Like, that wasn't something that was like taught. So I think it's very much like of the time thing. So I'm just glad that I'm born, you know, that I'm still relatively young when I'm learning this so that I don't have to be unfortunately, like much later in my life learning it for the first time. And I still, um, am know just into my early adulthood years basically learning how to do this. So yeah, if you could learn this if you're younger than me, please, like, don't feel uncomfortable growing a backbone per se, or being a bitch. That's kind of what I wanted to talk about today. But yeah, so the journey of starting to undo your people pleaser personality is very difficult because for me at least, the main reason I was such a people pleaser is because of course, growing up you're taught that the last thing you would want to do is like, make someone upset and that like, it's your fault if someone feels upset. So then I'm constantly like walking on eggshells around everyone and it's really difficult because, like, the way to undo the people pleaser tendency is to do exactly what you're told not to do. And it feels very shameful. You feel very guilty. You feel very fight or flight mode. Like, oh my God, my life is ending because I'm making people upset. Like, that's not what I want to do. That's not who I want to be. Like, I'm not somebody who does that. So a lot of it is, uh, like your identity is getting mixed up. Like you feel very shameful. You might have like fight or flight feelings. Like it might really be difficult to change. So I feel like that's why it takes so many people so long to even like allow themselves to think it's okay to make the change in the first place without even making any like, big changes in your life. Just allowing yourself to be like, okay, I'm gonna try to not be a people pleaser. Like just that first step is like, whoa, that's a big step._us Like, I would have. I rarely disagreed with my friends I was always, like, very go with the flow. Like, never had too strong of an opinion because whenever I did, it would always piss someone off. And I was always like. Like, for me, growing up, I would always, like, rather just have peace amongst the friend group rather than, like, stick to something that I find super important. Because I'm like, girl, I don't care about anything that much. Just, like, can we just not? You know what I mean? Like, that was more my feelings about things. But then sometimes people get super frustrated when you don't have a super strong opinion, which I totally get. Um, I understand that way more now as an adult, but as a kid, I was like, I'm just trying to keep the peace, guys. Like, I don't really. Like, clearly other people in the friend group would care away more than I do. And I'm like, if you care more than, like, fine. I don't really feel like having a fight with you about it. Like, you clearly care more than I do, so we'll just do whatever you do. Um, but then it ended up in me resenting a lot of my friendships because I never got to do things that I wanted to do because I never felt like putting my foot down and being, like, a bitch. You know what I mean? Um, which is, again, whenever I'm using that word, I'm not meaning, like, I'm literally being a bitch, but you get it. So that just that alone, like, being like, no, I'm allowed to say what I want, and even if it's not what everybody else wants, like, that's okay. Just in, like, a friend setting, it could be as simple as, like, you and your friends going out and deciding where to eat. And, like, maybe you really don't like where somebody chose, but you're like, oh, I don't want to be that one. That's, like, being difficult. Blah, blah, blah. Like, it's okay. You can still say what you want, and it doesn't have to be what everyone chooses, but it's like, sometimes it's good to practice just something as simple as, like, actually putting your opinion out there. And it doesn't have to be like, uh, we're going here, and. Because I want to go there, and that's it. Like, you can just say like, oh, I would also be down to try this too. It doesn't have to be like, oh, because you chose there. I definitely don't want to go there because I don't like your decision. Like, it can be something as simple as just throwing your opinion into the hat. You Know what I mean? But even for like a really intense people pleaser, like, that can feel scary because it can feel like I feel like there's so much rejection sensitivity that goes along with it as well, that you're like, oh my gosh, like if I throw my opinion in, it means that I don't think their opinion is as good. So then it's like rude to them that I'm putting my opinion in because like that means that I don't like theirs. So it gets very like not don't need to put them much thought into it. It's not that serious. And if your friends are taking it that serious, are they really your friends? So then the other thing I started to learn was like, do I really want to surround myself with people that get that upset about me? Just like saying something that I like or that I prefer or that I want to do instead, or maybe even expressing something that I don't like? Do I want to be friends with people who get that uppity about it? You know what I mean? Like, it should never be that big of a deal. And also you should be close enough with your friends that you're able to have those conversations without it like causing an issue. I think a lot of it has to do with like when you're younger, in like middle school, high school. Like I feel like everyone kind of sucks at being friends because like you'kids you don't know how life works and how healthy relationships work. Especially if, especially in our generation, if you didn't have a good relationship modeled to you, so you don't really know how it's supposed to look. So a lot of people don't really have good examples of what like healthy friendship relationships, romantic relationships look like. So that uh, also plays into it as well. But anyways, so as a kid I like never wanted to rock the boat in any way. I was like, just wanted to make sure everyone's happy, make sure everyone liked me, blah, blah, blah. But it can have a double edged sword because if you act like that, people can inherently not like you because you're trying to make sure that everybody likes you. That also happens. So what I've learned over time is that you just have to be really sure of yourself, know what you like, know what your morals and values are and get to know yourself really, really well. So that whatever you do or say, you know, it's not that you're being a bitch, it's not that you're being unreasonable, it's not that you're like Being contrarian or whatever, everybody can have their own thing going on and like nothing is usually that personal. And if somebody takes it super personal, that's usually just them projecting something that they're working on or that they need to work on. And it's not a reflection of you. So I would say the best way that I've combated people pleasing is obviously going to therapy, but also just like getting to know myself and know what I want in life really, really well. And like I said, it's taken like five years of therapy and just a lot of self reflection to get to the point where I'm like, huh, I guess I just don't really care about people pleasing anymore. And I still do. I think I always will have like a little bit of that in me because I'm constantly working against it. But it has come such a long way. Like if I met myself like five, six years ago, I like we would be two completely different people in the sense that I would be so much more outspoken and like confident now compared to me from five, six years ago. Also medication, I take Lexapro. And I think specifically there is a huge change when I started taking Alexapro, um, because talk therapy can only do so much like visualization exercises and all the different types of exercises you do in therapy, they can help a lot. But if you have like a true need for a medication, talk therapy will never take you to like that extra step of feeling really confident. And I think Lexapro for me like completely changed everything and was like the missing puzzle piece that I really needed to make the full change that I needed to make. So I don't know if you guys have or if you're on the fence, if you haven't started therapy, if you haven't thought of medication but you're really struggling with it doesn't have to be people pleasing, it could be anything, but you never know. Like, I was really scared to take medication for a while mostly because I didn't again, people pleasing. I didn't want my therapist to think that I was only going to therapy to take advantage of her to just get medication. Which is uh, crazy to think about because like, I probably could have asked her for it after like one or two sessions and she would have been like, yeah, but it took a year and a half of us working together. And then one day she was literally like, um, um, have you ever considered taking medication? And I was like, kinda maybe, like I don't know. And she's like, I think maybe you should just consider it. So eventually she had to tell me to take it because she's like, I think it's not like she was like telling me that I wasn't doing good enough in therapy, but she was genuinely coming from a place of like, I don't want to keep like, you know, beating down the same concerns all the time. Like, if you've been doing all you can do and like the homework on your side and we've been making good progress, but you're still having these like, intense feelings, maybe medication is the missing answer. And then, uh, when I talked to my psychiatrist, we found out a lot about like genetic links of ocd, which is what I have. And I was like, oh, now that I think about it, I think it's definitely genetic in my family. Like when I look at like I think mom Levia, but I think my mom and her dad for sure, for sure. So could be other people as well. But if you had to ask me, it's like mom, grandpa, so for sure that would make sense. And so she said oftentimes when there's a genetic link of some sort of OCD behavior, um, you might need some sort of medication to kind of operate normally and not have those really intense rituals and anxieties. So I don't know if I'm gonna take Lexapo forever. I'm actually currently at the point where I think I may start decreasing my dose. I'm actually down to 10 milligrams. I was at 15. So I'm gonna start moving down and see how I feel. Um, so I'm gonna give myself a long, you know, Runway before I eventually go off of it. I'm probablynna give myself like six months to taper off and go down to zero. Uh, and then we'll see how I feel. And if I need to go back on, even if it's at like just 5 milligrams for like a long term dose, that's fine with me. I don't mind taking it. It's not the taking it that bothers me. I just want to see if I can taper off basically and like still feel the same or if it really does make a big difference. To even just have like 5 or 10 milligrams a day to help me kind of get through my normal emotions. So I would say that as a tip, if you guys haven't considered therapy and or medication, it could just be like that missing puzzle piece that you're like, oh my God, like that's what I needed. Um, I would also recommend if you work with a psychiatrist. They have like, um, I can't remember what it's called, but they send you like a spit swab test. And it's like a genetic, um, marker test for medications. So it doesn't tell you necessarily what medications will for sure be a good match, but it does tell you which medications are likely to be not a good match. So, like, for example, I didn't really, uh, it comes in like a chart. So you have like red, yellow, green. And all the medications that show up in the red section are like, not recommended to take for your genetic makeup. Yellow is like, could be fine, can't really decide either way. And then green is like, should probably be fine. Uh, I didn't really have any in the green section that would have been applicable for ocd, but I had a lot in the yellow section and only like one or two in the red. So I think Lexapro and Zoloft were both in the yellow section for me. So I tried Zoloft first for like a month, but it made me nauseous and I got like really crazy dreams when I took it. So she immediately switched me off of that and put me on Lexapro. And, uh, luckily it only took me the one switch for Lexapro to be a good fit for me. But the frustrating thing is it may take like six months of kind of trial and error with different medications to see which one fits you best because it's really hard to say because everyone's different. Like, for me, Lexapro works great, for some other people it doesn't. And so if you decide to take a certain medication, it is a little freaky to look it up on like Tik Took or Google or something. Because, uh, everyone has such wildly different experiences with it. And usually the people posting about it are the people who have had bad experiences with it. It's like the same with Google reviews. You know what I mean? Like, you're not as inclined to post a review if you had a good time, but you are inclined personally. You feel like, you know, that you need to warn people if you had a bad experience. So there's always a bias towards bad reviews because people feel the need to talk about it. Um, so it is a little scary. Like when I first looked it up, I was like, oh, my God, all these people had bad experiences on it. But it's just because that's typically what people talk about. Like, usually people aren't getting on the Internet being like, I love my medication so much. It worked so good for me. Because it's not as exciting to be completely honest, to just hear a bunch of like, it went good, you know what I mean? Like, it's, it's not as compelling to listen to than like uh, something that went bad. So that's always part of the risk. But hopefully you can be in very close contact with your psychiatrist and like work it out really quickly and not have to spend too much time on any one medication that might not be working well for you. Hopefully you can weed it out within a couple weeks. So that's my little rant on medications. But I have to mention it because, uh, I don't think I would have been able to fully be who I am today without Lexapro. Like, if I was just still in talk therapy this whole time, I think I would still be missing a lot of like inherent, not giving a fuck. I don't know, like something about having a little bit more serotonin in my brain allows me to like not care about stuff so much. And it's amazing. Like before I took Lexapro I would have full blown anxiety attacks all the time. Um, I try to remember how it was before because I truly don't get like the heart pounding, sinking stomach feeling anymore. And I used to get that daily. I'm not kidding. Like I thought it was kind of normal or I was just used to it because I used to get it all the time just thinking about like, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if? And then all these what if scenarios. I'm not kidding. I would be sitting there, I probably looked okay, but in my mind, my mind was racing. I was getting a lump in my throat, my heart was racing, my stomach felt like it was dropping. It just uh, the worst feelings all the time. And now I don't really get that anymore. And that's a big reason why I feel comfortable like having a backbone per se. Before I would get way too nervous and like, like, oh my God, like, is everything gonna be okay? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. O my God. Now it's like chill, everything's fine. I trust myself enough to handle whatever comes my way. And it takes a lot of practice as well. Like the medication'not going to be like a magic switch or anything, but it takes a lot of trial and error and practice. Just like uh, speaking with yourself and doing like little exposure therapies, I guess you could say, to test the waters on how to be a bit stronger in your convictions and your morals and your boundaries and just practicing them little by Little like, you're not going to make a change overnight. That would be honestly kind of traumatic, I think, as well, because you're not used to it, especially if you grew up your entire life as a people pleaser. So what I would recommend is, like, just picking, like, one area of your life that you're like, okay, I kind of want to work on this a little bit. Like, maybe, like I said with your friends, like, maybe you just want to practice, like, being a bit more, like, open and honest and like, trusting with your friends. And then in turn, you might have a better relationship with them because you're being a little bit more open and honest with your feelings and opinions and they might share a little bit more with you. So it's not always, like, I'm setting a boundary and like, that's final. Like, sometimes it's just allowing yourself to, like, be a bit more honest with yourself and the people around you, and that will actually probably build your relationships even stronger. Like, just because you're sharing something about you doesn't mean that people will think you're a burden or that you're annoying or anything. Even though that's, like, the message that you might tell yourself. Like, that's. We're usually catastrophizing things in our head, like, way worse than they are in real life, because we've been taught that for some reason. But you also need to remember and ask yourself, like, who are the people that I want to have around me? I want to have people around me personally that are similar to me in the sense that they are very confident with themselves. They're very outgoing, they're very opinionated, but they're also very understanding. Like, I want to have people who are also very strong in their convictions and their morals and their opinions and their boundaries. And that's what I would like in my life. So then it's sometimes nice to, like, reevaluate the people who you have around you. Are they people that you feel comfortable. ##able. Expressing your opinions and boundaries with? Because maybe they're not. Maybe that's part of the reason, like, you need to be around people that you feel comfortable doing that in the first place. So there's a lot that you could do, but it could just be as simple as practicing, like, uh, where you want to go to dinner with your friends that week, or, like, I don't know, talking to your family and like, letting them know when something bothers you a little bit. Or like, let's say with the elections. Like, your parents have very different opinions than you, and it doesn't mean you have to cut them off 100%. But, like, maybe you just have a bit firmer boundaries in, like, what topics you talk about with them. Um, and like, if they're really bothering you and they keep droning on about, like, one topic in particular, you might just have to say like, hey, mom, dad, whoever, love you, but I don't really want to talk about this with you. Maybe we can talk about something else. Or, like, we'll just drop this conversation and I'll call you tomorrow, whatever it is. So just little things like that, um, I think are helpful ways to start. But yeah, I do have to admit taking Lexapro has helped me go that extra step. And like, really, I guess I say not care. I still care what people think about me, but it doesn't send me into, like, a panic attack. It. I might be like, oh, that sucks. But I'm not. Like, someone doesn't like me. Oh my God. O. Uh, like the world is ending. Like, I can handle it. And I'm just like, hmm, dang it, that sucks. Like, oh, well. Or whatever. It doesn't knock me off my feet so much. It's like I have an extra suit of armor on that it kind of just like deflects off me and I'm like, okay, like, moving on. So that's what I've learned so far. I'm still very much practicing it, but I hope that was helpful. It was kind of just like a ramble session of things I've learned. But I'm happy to talk about this more if you guys have, like, more specific questions on how I'm continuously learning to have a backbone per se, and have strong boundaries with friends and family and just in general in life. Uh, but yeah, let's move on to pop culture and trends. So I've actually. This is kind of random. Not really related to pop culture and trends, but I have been trying to get my mom to start a mini farm. I just. I mean, we would have regular horses on it as well. Maybe like one regular sized horse and then like mini donkeys, mini cows, mini horses, maybe some other animals. But I really, really want a mini donkey. And I know I wouldn't even be physically near it because I live in Barcelona and she lives in Minnesota. But I'm like, please, like, I just think that you need to have a mini farm. Like, I really think that needs to happen. So I don't know. I mean, that's a huge dream or far off dream. I don't know if it's evern to happen, but I've been trying to plant the seeds. Like, oh, my God, wouldn't it be so cute if you had, like, a mini donkey to wake up to every day? Oh, my God, wouldn't it be so nice if you could go horse riding again? Because she grew up, uh, you know, with horses. So wouldn't it be nice? Wouldn't it be nice if you had another dog? Wouldn't it be nice? So we see. We'll see. I'm planting the seeds, mom, if you're listening, maybe we can make this dream come true. I don't know. Um, selfishly, I want it to happen because when I go home, I want to have a mini farm to hang out at. Um, we'll see. We'll see. Think I think it can happen, though. I'm working on it. Um, I also need to watch Outlander season 7 part 2. It's been so long since season or season 7, part 1. I think part of it was Covid, part of it was the sag aftra strikes. So, yeah, I guess now season seven part two is out. I need to watch that. And I guess they're also doing season eight. Um, um, but that's gonna be it, I believe, for the end of the series. But to be honest, I love Outlander, guys. Don't get me wrong, I want to do a full, like, Scotland Outlander filming locations tour. I reallynna go to Edinburgh, but we'll see when. I hope I can do that next year. But that would be, you know, another thing that's on the bucket list. But to be honest, as much as I love Outlander, I feel like after season four, it got a little boring. It got a little boring. As soon as they were fully living in the U.S. i was like, boring. M It's because I think Briana and Roger, they don't really, like, interest me that much. I'm so sorry, but I just love the early seasons with, like, Clair and Jamie. Um, but, yeah, as soon as they become, like, grandparents and stuff, I'm kind of, like, boring. So I need to go back and watch season, uh, seven part one, because to be honest, I don't even remember anything that happened. Um, so then I'll have to watch part two, and, uh, we can talk about it as soon as I catch up. Also, like I said, I've in previous episodes, I think I've been watching Yellowstone and this weekend, as I was, like, doing my nails and stuff, I finally got to season four, episode one, like, the change from the end of season three and then to season four, episode one, the whole first episode of season four, I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. This is crazy. What's happening? Um, um, and, and then for the rest of season four, I think I'm on like episode six. I've been like, waiting for something exciting to happen again. But I'm sure it will. I'm sure it will. But, um, yeah, so I'm just excited to finish that and then get on to season five, which is currently out. Um, but really enjoying Yellowstone. And then I need to watch what is the other show? Yellowstone Spin off. Oh, is it 1883? Oh, there's more. Hold on. Okay, so the prequel 1883, I already knew about that. I need to watch that. 1923 is another season. Oh, and I guess they're also gonna do a show called the Madison It'snna star M. Michelle Pfeiffer. It's described as a heartfelt study of grief and human connection following a New York City family in the Madison River Valley of central Montana. I wonder if that's going to have anything to do with the Duttons or if it's going to be like a total spino. I don't know. And then they also have a 1944. Oh, man, I didn't realize they were having so many spin offs. Okay, interesting. Yeah. So I guess Taylor Sheridan just has a bunch of prequel ideas. Okay, interesting. Um, but yeah, so far I'm really enjoying Yellowstone. At first I was honestly a little scared to watch it because typically when you watch any sort of like western cowboy country kind of stuff on TV that's made in recent years, it's like filled with conservative Republican rhetoric. And I was like, o m, do I wantna watch a show that's probably like that? But I'm honestly happily surprised it's not really like that. Um, I did notice a few things, like in season four because they have the summer Finnegan girl who is like the protester. And then like her little like, I'm not that far into it yet, so no spoilers, guys. But I just finished the episode where like, she stayed overnight with John Dutton and he was like, trying to show her, you know, like the cattle and the cowboys and how their ranch works. And then she was like, huh, you really do like this, don't you? And I was like, are they trying to pull a little, like, good o American? We just do what's right for everybody and we're not as bad as you think. That was a little sussy to me, but the rest of it was okay. I mean, they were obviously trying to make the protesters like, she's vegan, she's out of touch. Like, don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of people that are like that. But, um, they were definitely trying to like push the vegan liberal trope that's like, out of touch and has no idea how her food is made. Yeah, so that was a little annoying, I'm not gonna lie. Uh, but other than that, I don't think the show has been too overly political in one way or the other. It's been mostly focused about like, their inner politics of like the ranch and stuff, but it hasn't been too like, us politics political, which is nice. I otherwise I wouldn't really be able to enjoy it. So I am excited to finish season four and start season five and then I'll eventually start the spin offff shows. Uh, yeah, but that's really all I have to share today. Um, let me know again if you guys have more questions. Specifically because I feel like this was just kind of me rambling about really just shouting out Alexapro. But, um, also just, I don't know, I'm more than happy to talk about more like people pleaser topics because that has. Is something I have a lot of experience with personally. Um, but yeah, I think that's really all I have to cover today. So thank you guys for watching and listening. Um, again, follow me on Tik Tok and Instagram if you don't. I keep you guys updated there way more frequently than I do on the podcast. U. Um, and I'll post a little vlog of my improv experience on Tik Took and maybe on Instagram as well. So anyway, thanks for listening, have a good week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.