Reasonably Certain

Stop Self-Sabotaging!!!

• Ellen Larson • Episode 24

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EP #24: Ellen discusses her newest hobby, knitting, as well as discussing how to stop self-sabotaging and stop getting in the way of your goals and aspirations.


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>> Ellen:

Hey guys. Welcome back to Reasonably Certain. My name is Ellen. This is episode 24, and the topic of today's episode is stop self sabotaging you. That's the topic of today. As much as this is a message to everyone listening, it's a message to me as well. It's a good reminder. A, uh, stop self sabotaging. Okay. Well, welcome back. What have I been up to this week? What did I do this week? I always have to look back at my literal 365 day calendar to remember what I did because I have a pee brain. What did I do? I went out to dinner with my friend and her cousin that was visiting. I, uh, decided to cut and bleach my hair. Yeah, my hair is s purple. If you can't tell my hair's purple. Did I mean for it to be purple? No. Is it better than the orange bleach color that it was yesterday? Yeah. So am I mad about it? No. Is it what I wanted? No. Am I gonna cry about it? No. Do I feel like it's probably pretty good? Yeah. So whatever. I did it myself. It was like €30 to get the supplies, so. €30 compared to a few hundred. I'll take it. I'll take it. Purple hair for a few days till the toner washes out a little bit because it won't really stay. But yeah, if you can't tell my money pieces in the front that I re bleached because u if you've listened to the past few episodes. I have complained extensively about how I was not happy with how my hair turned out when I paid for a quote unquote corrective color. So I decided to do it myself, knowing that it was also a risk and it could turn out worse than it was before. It's different. I don't think it's necessarily worse, but I've got a little bit of purple bangs, like, whatever. I do think though, I actually think the bleach was less scary than the demi permanent dye because I was trying to dye like very specific sections of my hair and I had to emergency shower, like right after I put the dye on because one of the chunks of my hair flipped around and got dye like horizontally striped across all the hair that I didn't want to dye. So I was like, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. What do I do? Like, I can't wipe it off ca becausee the dye is there, it's done. So I was like, crap. The only option is shampoo my hair like immediately because I don't want that dye to stick. So I think I successfully evaded that potential issue. And I think most of the demi permanent dye did stick pretty well to the areas I wanted it to stick to. So like, overall, mission accomplished. Not that mad about it. Did it take me like four hours on Friday to cut my hair and then another four hours yesterday to bleach it and dye it? Yeah. So eight hours of my time and a bit of stress. But whatever, it's done now and I don't have to worry about it. I'm probably not going to be doing anything to my hair for a very long time if I can avoid it. We'll see how the money pieces grow out because they are a little bit more like, I wanted it to be a bit more like sparse with the bleach, but it's kind of just like a 2019 esque chunk. So we're back there again. But, uh, u we'll see how it grows out. If it starts growing out a little funky and like a big chunk and like a distinct line, then I may have to ask someone to help me, you know, blend it a bit. But otherwise I think I'm just gonna let my hair grow for a few months and not touch it. That would be great. So that's what I did. I caught up with my friend Naomi because she moved to Valencia and she came back to visit, um, and see a few friends in Barcelona this weekend. So that was really nice to see her because I haven't seen her for like three months and today I just woke up, did some laundry, checked out my hair to make sure it wasn't too crazy and uh, you know, happy with it. And now I'm going toa film this and go to improv again. And am I going to make improv a regular thing? Probably not, but I figured I would go again because my friend Yi wanted to go and last time she was out of town, so now she has a chance to go. I'll go one more time just to, to check out the vibes, but I think last time I really realized that like the physical theatrical part of it is not really like for me, I don't really care about physically going like ta da. Uh, like that just doesn't really. That part I don't care about moving around and like making physical comedy or like physical acting. For me, like the banter joking part is the fun part. I love like doing a bit and like having a joke, you know, but that's more like stand up comedy, comedy podcasts that I just thoroughly enjoy. So Improv is not really that. There is, like, a bit of comedy aspect to improv, but it's a bit too theatrical for me, and I just don't really care about the theatrical part. However, I will say it is helpful for me to get out of my comfort zone a bit in the sense that because I've been on social media for so long, I'm always training myself to, like, look more aesthetic. And I trained myself after editing myself in so many videos, to pose a certain way and talk a certain way so that when I hear myself back, I'm not like, cringing to the max. So I have to, like, let that control go a little bit in improv. And it's honestly difficult. I thought improv would be like a piece of cake for me, which I think the word part, speaking part is. It's the physical moving part that's not easy for me because I have bricks in my feet. I don't move my feet around. I stay in one spot and I stay planted. And I try not to move too much to look silly. But that's like the whole point of improv is to move around and look silly in addition to the speaking part. And, uh, so that's actually probably good practice for me because it gets me out of my. Have to look beautiful all the time. Uh, if you don't look beautiful all the time, then someone might think you're ugly's. That's the brain rot that's like, going on in my brain all the time. So it's a good practice and a good exercise to like, get rid of that specific theme of brain rot that I have to, like, look aesthetic all the time. Uh, yeah. So going to that in about an hour. So I've gott to film this before heading out. And, um, that's what's been going on. Really thrilling. I did find also my favorite turon this week, and I remembered that it's turon al la piedra, not specifically jijona, but I think it is like the jijona type of, um, turon. But it's like pulverized so that it's like a paste. It's like a very thick, like, it's a similar texture as almond butter, but it's a bit thicker in the sense that you need to kind of like eat it with a spoon because you can't really like, use a knife to spread it. Like, it's too thick to spread, but it's too soft to, like, just eat with your fingers. So you do need to eat it with a Spoon. But yeah. So good. I don't really love other tur as much, but the Tur la piedra, the stuff that's nice and soft. Oh my God. It'just so good. So really, really thrilled that I found that. Oh, the other thing. Hello. This was like the big theme of my week this week. I decided to start knitting. I decided to start knitting. Yeah. So I, um. TikTok got me, you guys. TikTok got me. I saw this girl, Helen. Helen Moo or Helene. I don't know if it's Helen. Helen. Helen. Um, but Helen Moo. But it's like Helene, like with an e on the end. On TikTok, I saw a video of her saying, like, here's my sweater that I made with my collaboration with Scapil and it's like an actual hand knitted wool sweater with Norwegian traditional, like pattern on it and everything. And I was like, oh, my God, that sweater is so cute. Oh my God, I need a traditional Norwegian sweater. Oh my God. And then she. Her video was about the fact that it has become such a popular pattern, I guess, for knitting and the colors and, you know, the design of it has become so popular that like, other brands are ripping it off. So she's like, I bought my sweater from Shehan and they literally ripped off her pictures and everything. Like they took all of her photos from her campaign with Scottill and they put it on the Shein website just like as if it was the exact same sweater. And so hers is made of wool. The one on sheenen is obviously made of like polyester. And she compared the two and it was like they tried to make it an exact replica. They tried, but it was obviously like a really crappy, like machine made sweater. But they essentially just ripped off her whole idea and her whole design. And then I think like Primark did it as well. So she was just showing how her sweater is different to those ones and showing like all the other knit sweaters that she has. And I was like, uh, this is a revelation. I need a hand knit Norwegian sweater and I'm going to gift them to my whole family for Christmas. So I knew they would be expensive. But then I'm looking like, traditional Norwegian sweater, traditional Nordic sweater, whatever. Trying to find something like that. I can either ask someone to make like handmade or that maybe there's something already made from like wool. That's like a really nice sweater that you can keep for years to come. Shouldn't be super shocking. But they were like a minimum of€350 per sweater. And I was like, oh, oh, right. So I'm not that rich where I can just get everyone in my family a €350 sweater. Um, so then I was like, okay, but, like, the scapel ones, I remember I originally looked because I was like, oh, my God, that's so cute. But I realized that you have to knit it yourself. And I was like, oh, crap, I Wish it was€122. But, like, already knit. That would be amazing. I would pay for it. But, uh, yeah, if you want it already knit, it's probably gonna be over €300. So then I was like, wait a minute, €122 for, like, the really cute colors that she had. Like, from all the websites, I searched for, like, a traditional Norwegian sweater. I could not find any websites with sweaters that had, like, the same colors and designs that scappel has. And I was like, wait, the ones on Scappel are actually so cute. Like, I want a pink Norwegian sweater. That's so freaking cute. And they only come with the yarn. And, like, you can buy knitting needles, so you got to make the sweater yourself, girl. But they give you the pattern and they give you the right amount of yarn with all the colors that you pick for the, you know, the colorway that you choose. So I was like, okay, I guess I'm going to become a knitter. Like, I haven't knit since I was, like, 12, and I've tried knitting needles once in my life, and it did not you, you know, stick. Because my mom bought us those, like, circle looms when we were really little, and me and my siblings would make, like, those infinity scarves all the time. But it's so easy on a circle loom. Like, you literally just flip the yarn over and it's, like, super easy. You can do it with, like, literally no thinking at all. It's super easy. So making going from infinity scarves on a circle loom when I was 12 to knitting a Norwegian sweater with, um, circular knitting needles. Like, the ones that are connected with, like, the string in the or the wire in the middle. That's gonna be an interesting ride. But then I was like, oh, well, while I'm waiting. Well, okay, so first, notnna buy sweaters for my family. That kind of ship sailed. But then I was like, I'll make one for myself because I'm selfish and I want it and me want now. Me want now. So I got one from Scatill. It's on the way. It's in the mail. TikTok picked up extremely quickly. I'm talking like, I went to Helen's page. I saw her link to Scapel. I looked at Scapel's page, u uh, and within just those two clicks, TikTok was like, gotcha. Bit. You're a knitting little freak now. So I didn't realize how big the knitting community was. Like, uh, I'm not kidding. And of course my phone's hearing this now, so it's gonna be even worse after I finished this episode. But anyway, now I'm not kidding. 90% of the videos on my for you page are all about knitting and people. It is such a large community. I was like, what? I didn't realize, like, that this is kind of cool. I want to be part of this. So now I'm like, into it. And I saw like the first video recommended was like, make a Sophie scarf. And I'm like, what is this Sophie scarf you speak of? And it's from a Danish designer called Metz, and she runs Petite knit, which is like a very, very popular, uh, company that makes knitting patterns. Well met. I think she has made them all. There's like 200 plus patterns and a lot of them, including the Sophie scarf, are extremely popular. So I was like, okay, well, I'm impatient and I wa want to start knitting now, so I'm going toa just start with the Sophie scarf. So I bought the pattern online for like €10 or something. It was pret pretty inexpensive. And yeah, so yesterday I was with my friend Naomi and I'm like, yeah, I'm an impatient bitch. Like, I need knitting needles and yarn now. So I go to the only knitting store that was open Yesterday, uh, past 2pm So I went to one in Gracia. I went with no idea of what to buy or whatever. I mean, the pattern comes with like instructions of what needing needles to use and like what type of yarn you should use and whatever. So it says cashmere. I know cashmere is expensive and it's not necessary. Like you can really make it out of whatever you want. It just depends on like, how thick the yarn is, how heavy it is, your tightness of like how tight you knit and you know, so all those factors will affect it, but like, you can make it out of anything really. So I just walked into the store like, okay, I just need some yarn and some needle and I'll figure it out the rest, uh, so I ended up buying a llama blend of wool because the cashmere was like €31 per skein. And I was like, yeah, I'M not paying that much because I don't really care that much. So I got, uh, a llama blend which was€8 or €9 per skein, and I got two skeins because those skeins were a bit smaller. So was it, in retrospect, to much cheaper? I don't know, but it did have the color I want because they only had a few skeins of cashmere at that store and they were like bright blue and bright red. And I was like, I don't know if I'm going, you know, that far into knitting yet. I want a neutral. So I got like a neutral beige. And yeah, so I am being very cautious because I'm terrified of moth eggs. So I put the yarn in the freezer. I'm gonna let it sit there for a day or two, and then you wash it or you rinse it to, like, prepare it to be knitted, and then you have to let it air dry for like, a couple days. So really I was impulsive, but even with the yarn that I just bought, I can't even use it for like, a few more days because I still have to rinse it and, like, let it air dry before I can even, like, roll it up into a ball and start knitting with it. And yeah, so that was my impulsive decision of the week. I'm becoming a full blown knitter and I'm looking forward to it because I was like, you know what? It's something for me to do, to stay off that damn phone. Do something that is, like, wholesome and hopefully calming for my brain and, like, not overwhelming myself with, like, chaty PT and like, learning how to do things all the time, which I will inevitably overwhelm myself with ChatPTT and YouTube and Tik took trying to learn how to knit perfectly on my first project. Um, but whatever, at least once I start getting the hang of it, I can just turn on a show, sit back, knit, and like, have a little bit of a relaxing time for my brain where I'm not like, processing a million things at once. So I hope it becomes like, a nice little side hobby that's not terribly expensive, hopefully, um, and relatively meditative and relaxing rather than another hobby that's going toa stress me out. So I'm excited, I'm excited. I'm very excited. And it's like something that you get to be really proud of when you're finished with it and you can wear it. And since it's made out of, like, nice materials, it should hold up for Many, many years. So it's kind of like a heartfelt thing. And then I was like, if I get really good at it, I can start giving it for gifts. Not everybody will want it, but I can start giving it for gifts because it's like, I don't know, at this point in your life when you turn into, I don't know, like a real adult, everybody kind of has everything they need. Like, I don't want to buy people just like stuff. I also don't just want to give them like money or wine all the time. Like, not everybody wants alcohol. So giving them like a little knitted gift for like a birthday or Christmas or something, I feel like it's much nicerus at least it's like something that you put your time into, something that you thought that they would really want. Obviously not everybody. It's not like a one size fits all kind of gift. But like, I think if I received something that somebody really thought about and like, considered my interests and my likes and they spent their hard time knitting for me, I would feel much more happy about that gift than I would if they just like bought me some random stuff from the store and like, didn't think twice about it. You know what I mean? So I think I'm getting to that point in life where like, just buying someone like some random gift just to like, check it off a list is kind of lame. And I would rather spend a little bit more time making something like a bit heart. More heartfelt. We'll see though. This is a lot of talk. I haven't even picked up my needles yet. So, um, I'll update you guys. Hopefully, hopefully by next episode I will have a Sophie scarf to show you. That would be cool. And my idea is I really want to go to Copenhagen Fashion Week in January and I like to have a few. I say like, I like to do this like, as if it's some long standing tradition. I've only been to Copenhagen Fashion Week once, guys. Okay? But I was like, if I'm going to go, I want to have at least a couple pieces from like Nordic designers to wear there. I think it's a nice homage. I can selfishly tag the designers in my posts with their clothing. Like, you know, there's a lot of reasons why. So then I was like, oh my God. Hello. If I'm gonna be there in the winter, it's gonna be cold. I can use like the Sophie scarf is by a Danish designer. I can wear the Sophie scarf when I'm there. The Skepel Um, knit is Norwegian, so although it's not Danish, like, it's still Scandinavian, so I can wear that as part of my outfit there. And it's, like, gonna be warm, and it's gonna. It'll be perfect. It'll be perfect. So that's been my week. I am'm now obsessed with knitting, and I have probably watched 100 TikToks on knitting in the past three days. Yeah, it heard or it saw that. I clicked on one link, and it was like, hey, say no more. Say no more. You got it. We will send you a million knitting videos. And if I pause for even, like, three seconds, it's like, gotcha. We see you. You're watching it. We have more for you. There's more knitting videos. And I didn't realize that it's a big thing on YouTube to have a knitting podcast. So a lot of people have knitting podcasts where they chat, knit, and, like, chat about what they're knitting, what tools they've been using, what they've learned since they knit their last piece, what they're working on now. Like, it's fascinating. I love it. And I have subsequently learned that hand sewing is having a comeback because, yeah, I think people just want to get off that damn phone and they're looking for nice ways to create something meaningful, learn something that's kind of like a homage to all the people that came before us, like, all of our ancestors. Like, what were a lot of the women doing? Sewing and knitting. A lot of sewing and knitting going on. So it is kind of a nice, like, homage to maybe what people who came before you did and blah, blah, blah. So that's my new hyper fixation. Excited to update you guys, how that goes. So stop sabotaging yourself. What are you doing? I'm asking myself that question. So I think this is relevant because. Because a lot of the topics I discuss, it's like the universe just aligns. And I happen to see a TikTok that talks about exactly what I was already planning on discussing, like, within a day or so of filming. So, like, this morning, I saw a TikTok of a therapist. Like, you know, when therapists on TikTok, they sometimes do, like, role play, where they're, like, role playinging some common concerns that a client or a patient of theirs might have and why they might feel that way and how the therapist would address it and blah, blah, blah. So this therapist in particular was talking about, like, she was role playing as a patient who thinks it's cringey to believe in Herself. And she was like, oh, no. I just. I feel like I can't believe in myself because it's, like, cringey. Because why would I believe in myself if I'm not even sure that I can do what I think I'm trying to do, if I don't have external validation to confirm that first? Like, I don't even know if I can do what I want to do yet. So why would I be confident and believe in myself that I can do it if I don't even know if I can't? And then the therapist was like, well, why would you believe you can't do it? Or that you're not good at it, if you might be really good at it? Or maybe you're already doing it and you are really good at it? Isn't that also delusional to think that you would be bad at something or that you are bad at something when you're not, or you don't know? You don't have any evidence for that yet. Isn't that also delusional? So I was like, yeah, I meanither whatever way you cut it, in some way, you're being delusional. But society has made it more normalized to doubt yourself and, like, think that you're bad at something when it's like, why can't the equal opposite also be true? Why can't you also just, uh, believe that you're good at something and just know that you'll probably be good at something? Or just say, no, I know I'm really good at this and, like, own it, because I get it. That feels, like, extremely cringey to be like, no, I'm really good at xyz. Whatever. Maybe you've gotten compliments for stuff in your life, and it's really hard to accept a compliment. Maybe you, like, have these goals and dreams. Like, in my episode, a couple episodes back, I was talking about my plans for 2025. I guess Copenhagen Fashion Week is a good example. Like, literally last year, I would have never had the thought to go to a Fashion week ever, period. Like, I don't know. For some reason earlier this year, I was like, yeah, I kind of feel like going. Like, there was no real reason behind it. I love fashion. I've kind of reignited my love for fashion this year. Um, and I was like, yeah, I find it absolutely fascinating, but I was having some, like, imposter syndrome feeling like I'm not allowed to go there, like, that I'm. I, as a human being, like, that's. I'M not like, allowed to be there, like, for some reason, like, who says, who says who? But like, that I'm not like allowed to go because I'm not like, in the industry. I don't like, know people. I'm not a model, I'm not like a, I don't do pr, I don't do press, I'm not a journalist'I'm. Not a buyer, I'm not like a paid influencer to go on like a brand trip and go to sponsored events. So, like, who am I to just like, go, right? But like, why not? Uh, you know, so that was like a good example of me just being like, I m kind of feel it going, I think I can do it. And like, just seeing if I could. And I went, and now I can go again. And now I can go again into more into like Milan and uh, Paris maybe one day. And like, you know, so this is like my new hyper fixation as well in my more of my, like, career life, uh, is wanting to dive more into fashion and get more involved. And I think that that's my new passion. Um, my friends asked me, like, why don't you focus more on makeup? Like, that seems to be something you're more into. And I'm like, yeah, I am more into it, but I'm not really into making content about it. I also feel like makeup, um, on the Internet kind of like had its time and like came and went. That's not to say it's not still very, very much at the forefront of social media, but for me personally, I just don't feel that that's like, my path. I don't find a ton of passion in like filming myself doing makeup on myself or like talking about it. I'll definitely do it here and there, but I don't really want that to just be like my bread and butter content like all the time. Um, so yeah, like in the self sabotaging part, it's like, what are you getting in the way of yourself, of your goals? Like, are you telling yourself things that are not true? Are you saying, like, oh, like, let's just say a really random example, like, I want to get married in the next two years. So that like, a lot of women in my age are in this predicament like, that they want to get married, but maybe they're not dating anyone right now, but they want to have kids. But of course, the really crappy part of being a woman is that you do kind of have a timeline to have kids. I mean, you don't have to follow it. But like, I would say most women probably want to start having kids by the time that they're like 31, 32, 33, like to start having kids. I feel like that's pretty much the end of your timeline. I mean of course plenty of women and plenty of families have kids well into their late 30s and their uh, early 40s and of course later as well. But like, for the majority of women, if you were to go up and ask the average woman, like, when's the latest they would feel comfortable like having their first kid. I feel like the first half of your 30s for sure. So then it's like, then you have to think like, oh my God, like am I going to date someone? Are we going to get along? Are we going to get married? Do we want to have time to be married for a year or two before we have kids? Like, and then you start counting backwards like 34, 33, 32, 31. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. So I personally don't feel that predicament, but I hear it all the time because I don't personally really want to have kids. I'm not super attached to the idea of a traditional marriage. Like that stuff doesn't really appeal to me so much. So. So thankfully I don't feel that pressure so much. But I hear about it and I'm extremely aware of it. Obviously it's like a conversation that I talk about with my friends all the time, but let's just say like, oh, you're like, I don't know if I could find a husband. I don't know if I could blah blah blah, like have my perfect life. It's, it's not like a victim blaming thing. It's not like that you're at fault for everything you do because I don't believe that either. I think there's some trend of thought out there on the Internet that like, you're always at fault for your life not going the way it's supposed to go. That's a really weird train of thought. So don't fall into that either because then you're just going to feel sad and depressed and like it's not productive. But the point of this episode is like you can still look at yourself and be likekay. Realistically, do I believe in my heart of hearts, in my soul deep down that I deserve these things? Because maybe, maybe subconsciously, you're not even consciously doing it, but maybe subconsciously you're like, oh, I don't deserve this because, like, I think I'm a bad person or like, o, it's only for other people. Like, I'm not ever going to get something like that. Wa. Wa. I did that shit all the time. I still do, but I was much worse with it before because, like, I can't even explain it. It's not like you don't think you're a good person, obviously. I think most people listening to this, it's not like we're bad people, but you just have this, like, weird sense of guilt and shame that I think is just by society's standards or whatever. However we're brought up. It doesn't even have to be a religious thing. It's just like something that you're taught growing up or something. You just feel like that you're not worthy of receiving really good things in life because especially at the, let's say, like, class level that you're born at or the circumstances that you're born into have like an extreme impact on what you think your future will look like. And it's really hard to see yourself at a different I't. Status sounds so silly, but let's just say status just for to. So you guys understand what I'm talking about. But like, let's just say for myself, it's really hard to see myself making more money than my parents because that feels like a weird limit of sorts. And it's like, but why? You know what I mean? Like, why can't you go above certain limits that you feel you have on your life? Whether it's money, whether it's moving out of your hometown, whether it's dating somebody that you wouldn't normally think to date for yourself. Like these kind of metaphorical boundaries that are just by default kind of there, especially mental boundaries as well that you probably don't even realize that you have. That's why I think it takes a bit of time to like, reflect and not blame yourself for things, but just like, reevaluate your life and your thought patterns and see, like, where am I subconsciously stopping myself from, like, following a, uh, goal or action steps because I think that I can't do it. And it's not that you can't do it, but it's like, just that you're. If you never give yourself the option mentally to follow something that you want, you will definitely never get it because you're not even allowing yourself the option in your brain to think that you can go that way. So if you never think that you can take a step towards this thing you want, you will definitely never have it because you're not even trying with the first step because you're not allowing yourself to. So I think, like, just getting out of your own way and, like, allowing yourself to just try, like, the first step of, like, going towards something you want is really scary. But the more steps you take towards whatever you want, even if you fail, that's fine, but at least you'll know that you tried, and you won't have, like, the regret of being like, what if? Oh, I never tried that. I just never believed in myself enough, blah, blah, blah. And, like, whoever. If you're worried about maybe what people around you say, like, I could give a million examples, because this topic is so broad and it can apply to, like, literally so many things in your life. Like, for example, I moved to Arizona at first. Um, and even before that, when I moved from school back to the cities. I was living in Woodbury at the time, and I'm from Stillwater. And I remember even, like, I started going out more in Minneapolis and stuff. And even when I would come back home and see, like, hometown friends and family and stuff, they'd be like, oh, like, we see you on social media. Like, you're in Minneapolis a lot. Like, what are you doing over there? Like, too cool for still water. You're all the way in Minneapolis. I'm like, what? Like, what are you literally saying? Like, that's crazy that you even made that comment. What? Like, you go to Minneapolis. What are you talking about? I'm just going to the town that's like, 30 minutes this way. Well, the city, but, like, I'm going to Minneapolis. I have friends there from college. I have friends that I've made as an adult now. Like, I have friends from other areas. I like, going there to go to nice restaurants and go out for, like, rooftop drinks. Like, what? So, like, even just as something as simple as coming back from college and, like, going out in the big city and, like, maybe posting a few stories like, that I'm out for drinks with friends, that was enough for people that I knew for my hometown to be like, whoa, too cool for us, I guess. And I was like, what? Like, uh, that's crazy that that's, like, a thought that crossed your mind and you said it out loud. That's crazy. So then, I mean, that was the first time that it really stuck out to me that I was like, what? People care? Like, that's honestly insane. I would never say that to someone, but, like, okay. So I was like, yeah, I think the people in my hometown not really vibing with their train of thought or whatever. So I was like, I want to go to la. I want to go to LA so bad. And then people are like thinking like, okay, what do you think you're Miss Big Shot or something? And I'm like, I want to go do something cool with my life. You have one life. Like just try something cool. And I'm not saying that like LA is the only cool thing or whatever, you know what I mean? But do what you think is cool and if people don't agree with you that it's cool or whatever, like, not everybody thinks knitting is cool. I want toa do knitting because I think it's cool. Okay? So like do what you think is cool because you wanna do it and don't care what anybody thinks around you. Cause I think that's a big walker to like self sabotage is like o, like snow. People in my life won't agree with me. Somebody will say something. It's embarrassing. It's cringe. Embrace the cringe. Embrace the cringe. And I didn't even end up going to LA because guess what? It's too expensive. I don't have enough money. So then I went to Phoenix, or I went to Scottsdale first and then I went to Phoenix, which is right next to each other. It doesn't really matter. It's all Phoenix and I enjoyed my time there. But then people are like, oh, I had to get away from Minnesota, I had to go to Phoenix. I'm like, why do you motherfuckers care? But I, uh, think it's subconsciously that they're projecting that they're a bit, just saying this, a bit jealous maybe that I took maybe a leap that they weren't comfortable taking themselves. And so they're like trying to bring me down a bit to like, feel a bit better about their own decisions. That's the only way I can rationalize it. Otherwise why do you literally care? It's really weird. And then moving to Barcelona, it's like another, you know, so in my own life, it's like if I allowed those people to like make me feel stuck and like, that I shouldn't do that, I would still be in Minnesota this whole time and have never left. And I'm not saying staying in the state you were born in or wherever you're from is bad. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying it would have been bad because it stopped me. It would have stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. And that would have been like, letting other people dictate what I want to do with my own life in my own time and my own dreams. So that's a big thing. So I'm just saying in this episode, like, that's my example again. I could use literally a million examples. But, like, look at your life where all these, like, metaphorical invisible blockers are. And it could be, like, your subconscious thoughts, your friends and family, your, um, weird default thoughts about what your life should be, like, based on maybe your parents, based on maybe what you watched on tv, based on maybe religion, based on maybe, like, the people you gre ###w up around. Like, why did those have to be the confines of your life? Like, you can break all these little metaphorical barriers and just, like, do whatever you want. Like, we have free will. We can, like, change things. Like, I saw something as simple as on TikTok the other day. Somebody was like, just remembered I have free will and decided to store all of my family's socks down by the front door where our shoes are. And it was like, everyone was like, oh, my God, I love when humans remember that you can just, like, do random stuff. And it's something as, like, simple and innocent as, like, removing your socks from your sock drawer in your room and, like, putting them into a new sock drawer by the front door. Because for them and their family, they don't tend to wear socks in the house until they're about to go outside. And they always get annoyed that they have to go back up to their bedrooms to grab a pair of socks before they put their shoes on. So they were like, why don't we just put the socks where the shoes are? It's something as simple as that, that you could make a change to your life. That it's like, oh, my God, yeah, I can just do thatuse like, who cares? Because I can. You know what I mean? So that is a very silly example, but I think it's a very good example as well, because it's like, something so small and insignificant, but it can also make a big difference and could really help your life. So I think it's nice to just sit back and be like, hey, what do I want? What's my North Star? What's blocking me from getting there? Is it money? Okay, that's one thing. Maybe you need to plan and save for a few years. Maybe you need to pick up a side hustle, whatever it is. Maybe it's fear that you won't succeed and you're nervous that people will make fun of you and whatever. Then maybe you need to work on self confidence and trusting yourself and, like, a bit of exposure therapy with smaller things before you go for this, like, huge goal that you have. So, like, whatever goal you have, there's probably something blocking you that maybe you haven't identified. And it literally could be something as simple as, like, that you maybe are just a bit nervous, and that's like, totally fine. I'm nervous about things all the time. I'm nervous to go to improv again. But I know it will be fun. But I'm like, oh, great, I have to go, like, get out of my comfort zone a little bit again. But I, uh, never regret it. I never regret trying something. And even if I fail, at least I learned something. At least it's getting me a little bit closer to something rather than just, like, sitting idle. You know what I mean? So this is not a podcast to say that you have to have a certain life path to be, like, cool or successful. You can do whatever you want. But I think the moral of the story is, like, follow what you want to, do what you think is cool, what you want for your life. And don't let, like, these metaphor blockers or boxes, like, keep you stuck. Just get out of your own way. Plow through. Let people feel uncomfortable with your choices because they're not you, they're not your life. If people think it's weird, that's cool for them. Great. Like, cool. Go do it. Like, why is somebody else so worried about what you're doing? You know what I mean? They should probably be more worried about what they're doing because they're just busy looking at whatever you're doing. So embrace the cringe. Enjoy the journey. Learn something on the way. Believe in yourself. Surround yourself with people who have the same goals and mindset as you, because that also helps a lot. Um, being around people who are, like, doubtful and unsure and negative, like, that's really difficult because, like, if you're only surrounded by that type of talking or, like, that type of thought process, it's really difficult to, like, remove yourself from it. But if you're around people who think the same way, then all of a sudden you're like, oh, my gosh. I feel like this opens so many doors for me, and it really is, like, just a snowball effect. Like, once you get that little bit rolling, like, it just becomes easier. So this is just a reminder for myself, like, don't get in your own way. Believe that you can do things. Cause you can. You're very capable, you're very smart. You're deserving of all the good things in your life. I have to remember that a lot because I always think like, okay, cool. Like, wouldn't it be so amazing to make like $20,000 a month? But then I'm like, uh, ah, that would never happen though. Why not? Why not? Uh, that's my biggest blocker for me is I'm like, do I deserve to have, like, a very successful life? I feel like I'm destined to struggle. Why? Sure, I might struggle a bit now trying to get there, but once I get there, why do I have to struggle? Like, why do we feel as humans that we are destined to struggle? That's a good question to ask yourself. I don't know that we'll ever know the answer, but that's something I struggle with currently, is that I'm like, okay, I wa wantna make more money. I wa wantna like, be more successful in A, B and C areas of my life. Why do I feel that I'm not deserving of that? That's something that I've had to unpack in therapy. And also just think about like, that I am deserving. And then you just kind of have to like, reaffirm that thought with yourself over and over again. And it takes a lot of practice. Cause think about it. Probably for your whole life you've been subconsciously reaffirmed the opposite. So you have to do a lot of work to reassure yourself of the positive delusional instead of the negative delusional. And so you just have to be like, I can, I can. I am deserving, I am capable. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you have to like, really, really pound that sel or pound that thought process into your head because otherwise the default negative one is going to take over. So you have to like, always be like, no, I can do this, I am deserving. I deserve this. Like, this is going to be great. Blah, blah, blah. Because why not? If you're going to be delusional one way or the other, you might as well be delusional that something good is going to happen. You might as well, because either way it's delusional. So you might as well just pick the positive one. Anyway, I hope that was helpful. A bit of a shorter episode this week, but that's what I wanted to discuss because I feel like it's very helpful, especially going into the new year, setting your goals for next year, like getting ahead of it a little bit. You don't have to Waitill January 1st to make like a New Year's goal or whatever. And I don't even really like New Year's resolutions, but I do love a good goal and a plan. I love it. So I hope this was helpful again. Loved chatting with you guys. I don't really have any, like, pop culture and trends this weekus pretty much what I've noticed is just knitting. It's just just been knitting over and over again. So anyways, thanks for listening to you guys. Hope this was helpful. Hope you have a great week and I will talk to you on the next episode. Bye.