Reasonably Certain
Welcome to Reasonably Certain with Ellen Larson!
Ellen covers topics she has learned about throughout her 20's such as mental health, body image, makeup, fashion, and living abroad.
Ellen offers insights and tips to promote emotional well-being, encourage self-acceptance and confidence, perfecting your makeup routine, and advice about living abroad. Overall, Reasonably Certain provides a comprehensive approach to self-care, confidence, and empowerment.
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Reasonably Certain
Women, STAND UP
EP #33: Ellen decides to do her own Hinge dating experiment and comes up with... similar results as past experiences. This leads her to vent about some of her feelings about women's standards when it comes to men.
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Dear Baby Jeebus, please bring me a man who is tall, at least 3cm taller than me, doesn't smoke cigarettes, is loyal to a fault, respectful towards everyone, rich into fashion, motivated, open minded, doesn't want kids, is hot and also funny, but just 2% less funny than me, and likes me 5% more than I like him. Thank you, Baby Jeebus. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Reasonably Certain. My name is Ellen. This is episode 33. Um, as you could hear by my little prayer in the beginning, I really hope that that's the kind of man that I can find. But I'm not gonna let that stop me from doing stuff that I want to do. Uh, uh, so in today's episode, we're going to be talking about what I've noticed recently about women's romantic relationship expectations with men. Yeah, I thought that would be fun. Um, um, but before we get into that, let's talk about what I've been up to over this past week, which very heavily relates to the topic of today's episode. Um, so on Monday, I met my friend from Arizona's manager, uh, in Barcelona, because it's always nice to meet people when they're in town, even if I don't directly know them. It's nice to just see, uh, what they're up to, see if we have anything in common. It was, like, super crazy coincidence that, um, she just happens to be in Stillwater, which is my hometown in Minnesota. She just happened to be in Stillwater, like, a week or two before coming to Barcelona. And she's like, yeah, I was just in your hometown. I'm like, what? What are the odds? And she was there for, like, the ice sculpture festival. And she said it was really cute. And I'm like, oh, my God. Okay, why were you there? Because she's not from Minnesota. She's from New York, but she lives in Austin, Texas. And she was there because her hus. Her partner plays hockey. And I guess he was in Minnesota for a hockey game or something, and they decided to take a trip to Stillwater while they were there. And, uh, yeah, what are the odds? Like, that's just so crazy and so random. And then I just happen to be the friend that my other friend, like, is like, um, I'm. My friend is our mutual friend, if that makes sense. Anyway, so she connected us and we went out for a drink and it was really fun. And we went to this bar called Alchemics, which is like a, you know, like a conceptual cocktail bar where they, like, have a cool, like, theme or concept for each drink or like a story behind each drink. And I got like their Pisco Sour. U. Um, but I think I just. A lot of the drinks are smoky. Even the Pisco Sour had like a hint of smoke to it. And I think I just really don't like smoky flavors unless it's in like a steak or something. Um, but for drinks, I'm just not a fan of smoky flavor. Uh, for some reason when it, when I'm, you know, when you're like tipping the drink and you're sniffing it as you're taking a sip, like it kind of smells like BO a little bit. And then I get like, uh, like it smells like I'm drinking a drink from a man's sweaty armpit. Like, I just. I. That's what I think of. I'm like sweaty armpit. And so although I did enjoy it, it was not like my most favorite cocktail. But I wouldn't be open to trying others, of course. And then on Friday I went to Motor Oil again because we were promoting kind, um, of an event that night with City Girls, and I just really like it there. I had a fun time. I really liked the vibe. And then I went to MOCO Museum on Saturday with City Girls Studio and we got a guided tour and a chance to make content there. And it was really nice. I haven't been to like, a modern contemporary art museum maybe ever. Or like, at least not anytime recently. Um, so it was nice to see the different types of art that would be in like a modern and contemporary art museum. That's what MOCO stands for, like modern and contemporary. So it was nice to see the art there. They had like a Banksy exhibition. They had a, ah, digital immersive art, uh, part where it was like NFTs, but there was one really cool NFT made by, I think it's 6 to 5 or 6 to 5. 6 and 5, um, was a really cool NFT, like really beautiful in a very big room with like mirrors at the back of the wall. So that was really cool. And then there was also a piece of art by Sergi Delgado. And it's like, um, an optical illusion. So from far away it's like a bunch of hearts in different shapes and I think shades as well. Or maybe it's just the size, um, to create the illusion of an eye from far away. But then as you get up close, you can't see the full view anymore. So as you get close, you just start to see a bunch of different shapes of hearts and sizes of Hearts. Uh, and so it's like a cool optical illusion. So that is up for Valentine's Day, I believe. So I would recommend checking that out. And yeah, then after that I went to. I think it's hard. De Aribao De Aribo. I've been there before for a drink, but for food, we went like, my friend Tallly and Jessica, we went there for lunch. Cause we were gonna go to Mikan across the street, but we didn't make a reservation and it was super busy for lunch, so we didn't go there. Even though I think the food at Mean would have been a lot better. No offense to Hardinett, but yeah, the food was very, like, subpar. Although I will say I still like ate it. And it wasn't like, terrible, but you know what I mean? Like, it's when you go to somewhere and you're like, e, would I go back for the food? Probably not. But, um, overall, still a nice spot. Uh, and it's like very jungly, gardeny inside. So I mean, it's kind of fun for like a photo. Yeah. Then besides that, I was like, so exhausted from the week. I don't know what it was like, maybe, you know, when, like, you're probably not sick or like, maybe you're just so run down from your work and stress and everything else that you kind of just feel like a little rundown. That's kind of what happened to me this past week where I was like, no, I don't feel sick, but I definitely feel like I need extra sleep because something is just like making me exhausted every day. So I just slept pretty much the rest of the weekend. And that was it. So the last piece of my little weekly wrap up, uh, segues very nicely into the topic of today's episode. And I decided to download Hinge again. Yeah, I don't really know why m. But yeah, I decided to download Hinge again earlier in the week. And I also keep Bumble on my phone just in case I want to check Bumble bff, but I honestly, I never do. But I turned off the date setting on bumble like 4 months ago on the same day that I deleted Hinge. And I just didn't look back. But it's been four months and I don't know what it's like eating away at me that I'm just like, ah. Like I just. I don't know what it is. Like, I've just been pining for the feeling of a boyfriend lately. If you've watched the past couple episodes or listened to the past couple episodes. You would have heard me say that a couple times. And I don't know what it is. Like, I don't actually fully want a boyfriend right now because I also talked about that. Like, I actually don't want a boyfriend, but I think I just want like, I don't know, like a flirty conversation or like someuse guys, let's be real. Having a crush motivates me so much in my life. Like, it's actually sick and disgusting. But having a crush is like so helpful to get myself to do things. Like if inna lose weight, having a crush expedites that, like insanely. And I wish it wasn't that way, but I think that's just part of human nature. Right? Like you wanna. Like, if you're just by yourself all the time, you don't really have anyone to impress, per se. Uh, but if you wanna impress someone, it's a lot easier to get up and do the hard stuff that you don't normally wantn to. So selfishly, it's a great motivator. But yeah, I don't know why. I've just been like, damn, I really miss having a crush. Uh, uh. Which I don't think is like, that's not a bad thing to want. I'm always like, uh, you're so weak and feeble. Like, how could you dare even need the attention of a man? But it's like, it's not really just the attention. It's like I don't want just attention from just any man. Ew, gross. Like, ew. No, no, no, no. I just want to like someone. And it's getting just like really annoying that I'm like, okay, how long is it gonna take? Like, I know I'm not ess. Like, I know I'm not really putting myself out there. Like, I didn't even have the dating apps downloaded, so I was likeeah. But I didn't really want to find someone through a dating app either. But I was like, well, maybe like the curiosity got the best of me. All right, so I downloaded them and well, yeah, so let's just say I decided to treat it a bit more like an experiment because I've had such a break from them. You know what I mean? So I was like, okay, if I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna. I just did. Really just did hinge at first. I literally just like reactivated my bumble date profile last night and. Cause my friend Yoli was telling me that the guys on there are looking a Little better. And I was like, hey, okay. I mean, Hinge was a disappointment. You know, spoiler alert. I'll get to that. But, yeah. So I decided to reactivate my Hinge or my, um, Bumble profile. But then Bumble was glitching, and it wouldn't let me add any new photos. And then every time I tried to add a new photo, it was, like, deleting all of the new photos and then also deleting one of the old photos. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the heck is going on? So I submitted a Bumble support ticket, and they were like, sorry, it looks like it was automatically deleting your photos. Like, we re uploaded them for you. And I don't know, it's been very glitchy. Even though I, like, shut my phone off, turned it back on again, deleted the Bumble app, redownloaded it, like, all this stuff, and it's still not working. So I did look up, and I think Bumble doesn't allow screenshots of photos. So I was like, okay, well, then I'm not using screenshots. I'm using, like, JPEGs that I took directly from my Canon G7X, and it still won't, like, save them in the profile. So I'm like, girl, I give up. Like, Bumble, you're done for now. I'll come back to you later. Whatever. So, anyways, I want to talk a little bit more about Hinge, because I treated it almost like a little experiment. And I made a completely new profile with my Spanish phone number, because I've always used my, uh, US Phone number to make my profile, which I completely deleted my profile as well, back in. I think it was, like, October or something. So I don't know that it had any data saved from my US Phone number. But just in case, I was like, let me just use my Spanish phone number to really have a clean slate. So it doesn't have any knowledge of my previous hinge usage, and I can have a clean slate. So I made my Hinge profile. I do my typical, Like, I'll tell you my settings. Not that you care, but, you know, let me just tell you in case you're curious. Okay. So I just put it in, like, my neighborhood. I did a maximum distance of five miles. I think I did 10 miles at first, actually. But I did. I have it at five miles now. Age range 27 to 36. Um, and then I'm pretty much open to everything else, except I was pretty specific on religion. Like, I really only Want somebody who's, like, ideally, like, agnostic or atheist. I just don't want to be with someone who's, like, really into religion. So that's the other thing that I put. But those are the only, um. I guess I could also put monogamy and figuring out their relationship type. But sometimes I just put open to all because I think if they don't have that part, uh, filled out on their profile, sometimes it will filter out people that you don't necessarily want to filter out. So sometimes I feel it's better to have less filters, actually, uh, just in case. But it also does take way longer to sift through everyone. Um, but those are the only filters, really, that you have open to you that are not, uh, paid behind a paywall. So that's about all I could do. Right? You know, so I start clicking away at the X. Ding, ding, ding. Just, you knowuse, I don't know about you guys, but I only need to see their profile for about 0.3 seconds. I'm not even kidding you. Like, as soon as it loads, I know, like, immediately if it's a yes or no, it does not take much time. And if I pause and I look at their profile, it's not even that it's an immediate yes, it's just that it's not an immediate no. And I'm like, ah, maybe. And almost always it's still a no, but I'll pause and be like, well, no. So anyways, in a week, I easily went through 600 plus profiles. I think I probably went through more. I'm being conservative because I was on Hinge for a decent amount of time per day. Probably swiped through a minimum of like 100 profiles per day. It doesn't take long to go through 100. Um, so I'm guessing if it's been about a week, I've easily gone through 600 plus profiles. I only sent three likes, and I got one match, and I've already been ghosted. And I'm just like, all right, Hinge, you win. Like, you win. I don't. I'm done. Like, I'm done. Okay, so if you wanna know how I got ghosted, I'll just tell you quickly. So of course it was a guy who didn't even live in Barcelona. I was like, yeah, because of course. Because of course, the one guy that I'm actually kind of interested in doesn't even live here. Yeah. Because of course, I would have already found him already if I knew that he lived here. But anyway, so he lives in a different country in Europe, but he's also from the US And I was like, wait, this is kind of amazing for me. Cause I think unless it's a guy who's, like, really kind of adopted some US Culture, I just think for me personally, the more that I've lived here, the more that I'm, like, I kind of want to have a relationship, be in English. Like, there's too many, like, jokes and podcasts and nuances that don't translate well into another language. And so unless they're really tapped into, like, US Pop culture, uh, I kind of feel like that might be a deal breaker for me. So being with somebody who's from the U.S. but, like, lives in Europe would actually, I think, be perfect for me because we would still share so much of the same culture, or at least the same, like, language, which would be nice. And then we can still have other differences. But I've just. The more I think about it, the more I'm like, ah. But if I had to have my full relationship in another language, which, like, I could do, I don't know. I feel like, for me, there's a lot of important, like, nuance that's lost. Unless they had, like, really good English. Like, people from the Netherlands, for example, have, like, really good English, and they're growing up with, like, a lot of US Influences on their culture. I mean, the most of the world does have a lot of US Influence. But, uh, if you've been in the. In Europe and, like, you understand what I'm saying, if you know. Anyways, so I match with him. I was like, o, he's not even from here. I do my research. Like, I find out who he is in, like, three seconds because he has a picture of his jersey on his profile. And I was like, hey, clocked to you. Like, I already know where you went to high school and where you went to college and how many stats you have and whatever. So that was easy. But then I made sure that he wasn't, like, a weirdo. And then I was like, okay, may maybe, hey, I haven't been on a date since September 2019. Maybe I would be open to on a date. O. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, like, crazy. I'm being so crazy. Like, maybe. So I was trying not to get my hopes up, but he was like, oh, hey, I'm in Barcelona for the weekend, whatever. And I was like, okay, um, but, like, I'm kind of avoidant, so, like, maybe this could work. Like, you're in a different part of Europe, but like, you're not too far away. But like, maybe this could work because then I won't feel like I'm gonna see you around every corner of the city, uh, if it doesn't work out. So then it could actually be. That could actually be a good thing for me. So I was like, we were talking back and forth. It was actually super nice, super normal conversation. I was like, oh my God, finally, like a normal person that I actually find attractive. Like, thank God. And then of course, of course, I'm sure my, my theory is that he was okay because on Hinge you have to go out of your way to change your location. It's not like bumble where it will automatically change as you travel. So already maybe a teeny bit of a red flag in that case if he came to Barcelona on his own, which he said he did, to change your hinge location. But I mean, I would probably do the same. So maybe not a red flag. But then I'm guessing that he was lining up matches, picking the best. I mean, who wouldn't, I guess. And then lining up dates and activities for himself based on what he wanted. And I just obviously did not make the cut. But, um, he asked for my Instagram on Friday morning and then I sent it and I was like, yep, here's my Instagram. Follow me and then we'll have a date tomorrow. Hehe. Like that was what I said. And then he was like, yeah, what's your Instagram? And he just never followed me, so haven't heard from him. But I was like thinking like, oh, I'm like traumatized from the date. I almost went on last year at this like exact same time. Which by the way, saw the guy on the Pro on Hinge again like the next day. Anyway, obviously didn't match with that guy because he gosted me last year, but u this guy currently this weekend I thought like, if he saw my Instagram and like didn't like it, that he would be like, uh, uh, ew. And like unmatch me on Hinge. But he hasn't unmatched me on Hinge. So I'm like, am I just like sitting on the back burner? You know what I mean? Like, these are all the thoughts going through my head. But ultimately like, I've done a lot of growth personally because last year when this almost exact same scenario happened with a different guy, I was sobbing and I felt so crappy about myself and I was like, I knew it. I'm ugly. And I'm unworthy. But this year, I'm like, you know what? No sweat. I would have done the same thing. You're just lining up the people who you want to get to know the most or hang out with the most. That doesn't mean that he doesn't like me, obviously. If he really didn't like me, he probably would have unmatched me, and that would have been a little hurtful, I guess. But, yeah, so it's like, okay, just didn't make the cut. Whatever. I probably honestly would have done the same thing. So it's like, if I would have done the same thing, can I really be that mad? No. Does it kind of suck? A little, sure. But, like, whatever, it's fine. Ah, we didn't get in that deep. It was, like, maybe 15 exchanges back and forth, and, like, that was it. So, whatever. At least I have a shred of hope out there that there's, like, another man. I would love to find a guy in the same scenario that's, like, from the US into the same things I'm into and just happens to be living in Europe. Like, that would be super cool. Anyways, so, um, that obviously didn't work out, but, you know, I'm kind of ready to give up. Uh, Hinge, you win. I mean, maybe I will try Bumble, but the profile is glitchy, so I just. I don't know that I really want to try it that much right now. Uh, yeah. So, anyways, moving on to the second half of my Hinge experiment story and kind of the catalyst of why I chose this topic today. Um, but, yeah, I have a little bit of a rant, and if my friends are listening to this, Sorry, I'm ranting. Okay, so no harm, but I am a little annoyed. So, yeah, uh, I like to update my close friend story on Instagram with my little dating goofs and gaffes, which is usually a lack of escapades. There's not actually anything real happening, but I like to complain, vent on there, and just be, like, a little silly. Like, it's a little bit silly. It's just, like, a fun little segment that I do from time to time. You know, it just keeps my girlfriends entertained. So, as I booted up my Hinge again this week, I decided to share a little screen recording of the first batch of standouts to my close friend's story. Um, I was very unimpressed. Yeah, I mean, these are supposed to be, like, the hottest guys, because Hinge wants you to pay to send roses to them. To try and get their attention. Like, they're supposed to be like, the hottest. And this was my freshly new profile that I was like, you should be sending me, like, the hotties of the hotties. And I should be like, uh. So I was, you know, I was a little disappointed. Okay. They were like, average looking at best. So I post this little screen recording to my story and I put a little comment on it. Like, dude, this is what you have to show me. Really? I'm not. Not feeling very optimistic here. And then all my friends pile on and my DMs, and they're like, girl, what? That's crazy. You don't think they're hot at all? Uh, uh, uh. Like, okay, maybe they're hot to you. But clearly, according to my opinion that I just posted on my story, they're not hot to me. And I'm disappointed. And also just because they look kind of hot at a glance. Like they have a shirtless photo and maybe they have some abs. I don't know. In the next photo they're smoking a cigarette or like, they're super cringe or like they're basically holding their dick. In the next photo, like, it's just. U. Uh, no, no, no, I'm sorry. Like, no. So I can't even count how many times that someone insists that I must be a lesbian. This is kind of a side tangent, but it is also super annoying to me. And like, trust me, guys, I have ocd. You don't you think I've considered this? It plagues me in my mind that what if I am and I'm okay with that. I have considered it. So many times I've tried to convince myself to become a lesbian because it would literally be easier. Well, I don't know all the ins and outs of. You know, there's lots of other issues that would come up, but it would be easier than trying to force myself to like a man. And I'm not forcing myself to like men that I don't want. Like, I'm just. Am I not allowed to be picky? Hello? But anyways, so it's like, I can't even count how many times in my life that people like random people in my life when I complain about the dating scene are like, are, ah, you sure you're not just a lesbian? Hey, what the fuck? Also, I wouldn't be offended if I was. That's great. I don't care. But it's really, honestly starting to piss me off because it's like, okay, so I have. I'm like being picky in the dating scene and you don't agree with my opinions so then that automatically makes me a lesbian. Like what? I'm so confused. And hey, like I'm just not interested in women. I've tried to convince myself to like women. I've tried to be like, what if I went on with, on a date with uh, a woman? Like maybe. And I just, I can't get there mentally, guys. Like I just, I'm not sexually attracted to that friendly. Of course, maybe a make out. Sure. But like when it comes to the real down and dirty, like that's just not what turns me on. I'm sorry, what? I'm not saying that I wouldn't be open to it one day. Maybe the like in my personal belief when it comes to sexuality, like maybe you're like 99% straight, but then the 1% person comes along that's like this random person that you never expected to meet in your life and they just totally seem like a great companion and you like for some reason our sexually attracted them when you wouldn't be to like normally the rest of every one of that gender. Great. I'm open to that experience if it happens to me. I'm not blocked off to it, but it's just not what gets me going, guys, I'm not attracted to women like that. I wish I was. I wish I was. And I will be open to it if that changes one day. I'm not saying it won't but like I've tried, trust me. My brain reels with like, could you maybe if. What if, uh, uh, it's just not happening. I can't tell you. I don't get the same giddy feeling that I get when I see Jamie Fraser on my frickaking iPad screen in Outlander. Okay. There's something that happens to me when I see Jamb Fraser on screen. Okay? Like that is what gets me excited. I don't want to have that, but I do. Okay, so that's my complaint. I'm not offended of being a lesbian if I was. But it really, really annoys me that people strip it down to like if I seem a little too picky for their standards, it's like automatically I must be a lesbian and I must be closeted. And I must not know enough about myself to realize that I'm like, guys, do you know how much inner searching I do? Because I also have compulsive thoughts about what kind of person I am. I have thought about it, trust me. And I wouldn't care if I was, I'JUST not. And uh, like I said to end this note if I was, thats great. Im open to it even I try to keep myself really open minded to not be compact because I realize that that is the thing and maybe it will happen one day and I will be open to it but it's just not really feeling like the move for me. And that's also okay. Some of us actually are straight so unfortunately that is the case. Like I don't know what to tell you anyways, but am I not also allowed to be picky? Like, am I also not allowed to just want to stay single? Is uh, that like, that's where I get annoyed is like I feel like it's less about them calling me like oh what if you're a lesbian? It's m more that they're like doubting my opinions and feelings about it and I'm like what? Like okay, like to each their own girl. Like what are you talking about? So yeah, and it's not just friends, it's like straight up. Even when I was a little kid and I was like 14 and I wasn't dating yet. Yet. Dude, 14 year olds like don't need to be dating. That's not like a metric that like if a 14 year old hasn't had a boyfriend yet, that they're like automatically a lesbian either. But that my other like growing up in a very conservative, very small minded, small town that other moms would be asking my mom like, oh, aln hasn't had a boyfriend yet, are you sure she's not a lesbian? But they said it in like a way that it's like, oh my God, like that would be so tragic. Like are you sure? And my mom's like, are you fucking crazy? Why, why are you asking about my child's sexuality at 14? Because they haven't had a boyfriend. Like what is l Literally, first of all, why do you care? Second of all, why are you asking? And third of all, like why are you worried about a 14 year old having a boyfriend? Like it's like that they're very proud that their child had a boyfriend already and that they're like worried that other girls didn't yet. So it's like that's like the kind of mentality that I've been surrounded by my whole life and it's very annoying, honestly. Like I need to be surrounded by more people who have the same mentality as me. Cause I know I'm not crazy. But then I start to feel crazy after I hear all these opinions of these people that are like, so, I don't know, small minded or like, I don't know. I don't know what it is. So that's why I want to talk about this topic today, because I'm like, guys, what are we doing? Like, um, you're allowed to have standards and opinions that maybe not everybody agree with. And that's fine. It doesn't mean that you're automatically like one thing or the other. Like, multiple things can be true at once. It's okay. I don't know what to say. Like, it's fine. Um, yeah, but it just, it mostly bothers me because, like, all these messages, no matter what they say, they could say a lot of things. Like, oh, my God, girl, like, those guys are hot. What are you talking about? How could you not think they're hot? Hey, to you. To you. Like, to you. Not obviously to me, but like, it gives me the vibe that they think I'm like, setting my standards too high and that I'm being, like, unrealistic and unreasonable. And they're like, girl, you should be happy that those are the guys on there. Like, you should take them. Hey, what are you trying to say by that? Like, that's. I don't know. I always get the vibe that they're like, trying to low key sabotage me by trying to convince me to settle with some guy that I don't even like. And that's clearly triggering me, obviously, but like, it has been such a through line in my life of people trying to tell me to settle and it really bothers me because I'm like, why would I literally do that? Why would I literally do that? For what benefit? For what benefit? Like, you guys are scaring me. Like, stop. You're like, wishing, preying on my downfall. You're crazy. Okay, anyways. Oh, my God. But yeah, I'm just starting to feel like, what do you mean my standards are too high? Like, what do you literally mean? Have you not been on the dating apps recently? Like, I don't know what your standards are, but I'm not changing mine, okay? Like, we can just both live in our own dating realities and, like, that's fine. I don't really worry about what you do in your dating life and how you feel about men. I support you however you feel. I would. The thing is, I would never comment on somebody else's dating preferences and be like, oh, my God, you're crazy. Why would you like that? Or why would you think that I would never say that? I would be like, whatever you think is best for you. Like, is s probably best for you. You go, girl. Like, do what you need to do. I just. I would never make someone feel that, like, they're crazy for what they think their best interests are. However, maybe I'm go going toa be eating my words because in this episode, I want to really talk about us, uh, banding together as women and setting our standards a little higher for ourselves and for the people around us and for romantic relationships. That's kind of what I want to talk about today. So maybe I'm eating my words a little bit. Maybe I'm eating my words. But anyways, my point in saying all of that to kind of preface the topic is like, I don't know, bring your standards up. Don't settle. Get a vibrator, Watch a romance movie. Don't just settle for a man for, like, companionship or validation. Like, it's just not worth it. So that's kind of, like, my, uh, main point of this episode. But I wanted to expand on it just a little more as we get into the topic, because it's not just about my hinge, you know, drama venting. So moving on from that, it just makes me feel so much better when I'm around friends that I have who actually see my vision and understand my reasons for thinking the way that I do about dating, and they don't make me feel crazy about it. And I wish I could say that it was more of my friends, but it's honestly only a few. And maybe a lot of the other friends just don't voice their opinions about it one way or the other. That's totally fine. I'm not expecting one feeling or another for my friends. I don't say that my friends have to blindly Support my opinions 1,000,000% of the time or else I won't, like, want to be friends with them. That's not what I'm saying at all. But in this particular topic, I feel for my own mental health that I need to be surrounded by more people who support me in my decisions. They don't have to necessarily agree, but, like, I was just saying, like, I would never judge someone else's, like, dating opinions if they were truly just doing whatever they felt was best for them. Like, yes, I can maybe disagree, but I'm not going, like, who am I to tell them how to think and what to do about their own relationships and romantic relationships, like, for the most part, like, yeah, I might disagree with some of the circumstances they put themselves in. But, like, unless it's a really bad situation, I'm not going toa, like, tell them that they're ridiculous for it. You know what I mean? U. Um, it just depends. There's a lot of nuance here. But anyway, I think my point with saying this as well is that sometimes I just feel so gaslit about my choices when it comes to dating, because when I'm around the right people, I'm reminded that I am justified in my choices, and I shouldn't feel pressure to succumb to lowering my standards. So, like, just because I want a certain kind of man and I envision a certain kind of relationship for myself doesn't automatically mean that my standards are too high or that I'm like, comp. Compet or something. You know what I mean? Like, there's, like, a lot of in between here that it's like, just because my dating visions don't line up with, like, my friends dating visions, that doesn't just, like, make me wrong or, like, you know what I mean? I don't know. But, uh, you're allowed to wait it out for the kind of relationship that you want. Don't let other people pressure you into settling. It almost feels like they're pressuring me into taking drugs or something. I'm like, I don't want to drink tonight. I don't want to take drugs. Like, just leave me alone. Don't make me feel pressured. Um, yeah, I just can't say it enough times. I just feel like everyone in my life is always like, oh, you haven't had a boyfriend yet. You need to get out there. You needed to stop being so picky. You need it. You need it, girl. I've seen enough. I don't need to push myself anymore. I'm good. But I've realized this week that I do actually have friends that look up to me when it comes to relationship advice, despite me never having been in a relationship. That is a big caveat, but it's not necessarily, uh, relationship advice as much as it is, I guess, like, they consider me a strong and confident person and that I'm unwavering in my values and standards and that it is admirable. So I'm like, okay, I'm just clearly speaking with the wrong people here like, that there are other people that do see value in the way that I approach romantic relationships because they, maybe they wish they had more of that, you know what I mean? The more of the standoffishness that I emote or whatever, um, which I will admit, like, I've talked about in previous episodes. I am that way from a lot of negative experiences with men. I would probably be a lot more open to dating if I had even like one good experience to give me like a shred of hope. But, like, even with just the men in my life who are not romantic, like friends and family, like, I will say 95% of those experiences and relationships have been extremely negative. Like, to the point where I'm like, it makes me sick. So it's just, how can I realistically go into dating when there's really no positive role models or like examples? You know, that's actually kind of insane. That's like a sick in the head if you keep. If you think about it. So it's like, uh, a. Why, if you're looking at my life, why would I. Why would. Like, literally, why would I. So I think that I've come a long way to even be still open to the idea of dating someone, given my feelings about it. You know what I mean? So then I get even more upset when people don't agree with me or that they judge me for why I feel the way I feel. Because I'm like, you don't understand the work I've had to do to get here, so shut the fuck up. Um, that's why it triggers me. That's like one of my most like, sensitive topics. Obviously you can tell by my demeanor in this episode. It's not like a typical episode. I just want to propose the question, are we really in 2025? And is it so rare for people to have strict values that they want to hold a relationship to? Like, is that really so strange? I don't think it is me personally, but I want to move on to some things I've noticed online to kind of support this topic. Um, so I am involved in a lot of, like, online forums. I see a lot of relationship, you know, like video essays, tik tooks, uh, Facebook posts, and even just through conversations with friends or whoever I'm speaking with, um, that so many women are struggling with men that they want to date or that they are currently in a relationship with. So often women are subconsciously, uh, demeaning themselves by allowing unacceptable behavior from men. And I am not blaming women for this. This is a centuries long issue that is complex and intersectional. And like, just speaking about that alone could be multiple episodes long. And I don't know how else to say it, but, like, we can't expect all the work to be done from men, um, because we already know that they don't listen to us anyway. So we kind of unfortunately have to take on a lot of the boundary setting ourselves and a lot of the internal. Which we should, you know, you shouldn do anyway as a human being. Like, internal learning about yourself. Um, but yeah, this is not something that can be magically changed in a day. Like, the relationship and sexism issues of the world, like, obviously can't be changed in a day. But I do want to talk about it, even if it's an uncomfortable topic. Um, because I think about this stuff all the time. I'm always constantly thinking about what I'm doing wrong as a human being. Like, I'm thinking about this stuff a lot. And something I also think about a lot is just that I'm constantly hearing how women in general, if I know them or I don't, are just suffering because of the relationships that they're in with men or the men they're trying to date. And a lot of it could be solved honestly by just doing some inner work and like, setting really strong boundaries. And then you wouldn't run into a lot of the issues that you're going to have. Of course, are a lot of them probably inevitable and like, they that you might run into them even if you do the best you can to set boundaries and be super healthy with your attachment style and like, who you allow into your life. Of course, I'm not saying this is foolproof. I'm not saying this is like, again, like women's fault or anything, but I do think, like, for women as a whole, for us to all support each other is the best way to go about this. And like, doing a little bit of uncomfortable inner work will help a lot. I think in order to avoid some of these really terrible experiences that we have with men. And obviously we can't rely on men to do a lot of the work. So, uh, we'renna have to do it, uh, in order to protect ourselves. Not to necessarily benefit men in any way. I would say a proactive, defensive move to make sure that you are putting yourself in the best situations possible and not allowing yourself to be disrespected. Yeah. So in order to uphold such strict standards from men, you have to uphold them for yourself first. Um, so like, if you expect a man to be loving and caring towards you, you have to be loving and caring towards yourself first because you are worth it and you are the only person that you will spend your entire life with. So you need to be like your number one priority before anybody else, before your children, before Your husband before your family members. Like you have to come first. And you can't pour from an empty cup. So that's like it comes in all relations or uh, it comes in handy for all relationships, not necessarily just romantic ones. Like not everything has to be focused about how we are in relation to men. Like in relation to your children, in relation to your family, in relation to your friends, your work, whatever. You can't pour from an empty cup, so you have to make sure that you're good first. It's like on the airplane they say like you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you put it on your child that's next to you. Because you can't help your child if you can't breathe. That's a great example. But you are the most important thing in your life and you should treat yourself like it. You are worth it. I see so many women in online forums looking for help and reassurance from other women, which I do think is great. Like that is a great step into like seeing the issues and helping each other. Like the visibility and discussions. Talking about it is like extremely helpful because you do often gaslight yourself if you're just by yourself, isolated, have no one to talk to, don't have anything to compare it to. That will always make you feel crazy, honestly. So having a place to share your opinions and questions with people and talk about it I think is like a great step in order to feeling like a sense of community and, and a sense of confidence in your own life decisions. Um, but I'm often baffled by a lot of the questions being asked. Like my man got a text from a woman on his phone that says goodnight baby with a heart emoji. Should I be worried? Yes. Yes. I'm not trying to be rude, but like, yes. Don't doubt yourself if it feels weird. And if you have to ask, you should probably be worried. Or like, is it okay for my boyfriend to like his ex girlfriend's pictures on Instagram? He follows her and she doesn't follow him. Okay, sure there can be certain types of nuance to these situations, but let's just look at it plainly. No, that's not okay. And you're not crazy for feeling like it's not okay. And don't let him guessight you into thinking that you're being crazy by not thinking it's okay. That's not respectful behavior, period. That's not respectful. It hurts to look at it in the face and say, damn, that's really what's happening right now. He does not respect me. And he's not acknowledging that. That is something that I'm allowed to be concerned about. That also super sucks. Like that super sucks to even just look at that and be like, that's what's in front of me right now. That's the situation that sucks. My boyfriend is randomly following 30 new women and I asked him about it and he says he didn't do it. How do I know if he's lying? I know because you don't want it to be true, you don't want it to be bad. You want to think the best of the person that you're with. But that's weird. Maybe you can get over it, right? Like maybe it's not always so sinister. Maybe you can just like have a clear conversation and just say like, hey, that's really not okay with me. Like, um, do you mind if we talk about like how we interact with people online? Like, I think that's an important conversation to have. And then depending on how he reacts to you bringing it up, that will tell you your answer, you know? So like not all of these are so sinister on the, on the surface. But if you bring it up in a calm, polite way in the right timing, you know, not when they're right about to walk out the door for work and you're angry and you throw it at them like an accusatory question, like in a calm manner, when you're both level headed and like in a good environment and you bring it up in like a non acccusatory way just out of curiosity to learn more about their decisions. And then depending on how they respond to you asking that should usually tell you all you need to know. If they get defensive, usually that's like a big red flag and like they're guilty all the way, all the time. But that's usually, I think the second step is like when you bring it up, if it causes an issue, then you have your answer. U um, I've also seen like I've been talking to this guy for a few weeks and we planned a date for tonight and I haven't heard from him since two days ago and he hasn't confirmed yet. Should I blah, blah, blah. I mean it sucks, right? Like you don't want it to be true. You want to have hope. I think like the shred of hope is what's keeping everyone clinging to this person or to this idea of the person. Because usually women are so great that they like love. And I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I do the same thing. I catch myself doing it all the time. That they're creating an idea of this person in their head that they want them to be or that they hope they can be, or that they see a shred of potential that this person can be. But, like, if you strip it all back, all the extra, you know, fluff that you've packaged around this person, if you kind of brush that all away, they just didn't text you. And that's not really nice. Like, that's not really nice for someone to do. To not confirm a, um, date that you have coming up. Like, that's not really very considerate. At the end of the day, maybe they have an excuse. Maybe there's always an excuse. Oh, my God. At the end of the day, they could still tell you if something came up and they should tell you. They should at least say, hey, I'm looking forward to the day tonight. That's like basic bare minimum. I think it's good to remind ourselves of that. Like, don't feel crazy. I know you want to hold on to the shred of hope, but it's not. It's just not working. And that's okay. Or if you start any sentence with he's great, but you have your answer. Like, uh, I think. And I've done this work. My. I'm not saying I've done this work. And I'm like, oh, so holier than thou. I already know this information. I am still working on this on a daily basis because I constantly have to catch myself in these exact scenarios. I go through this every time I think about talking to a guy. Same with this guy I was just talking to. And I was so excited to just the potential of going on a date. And I knew it wasn't even going to be anything serious, but just like the hope that something fun and easy and flirty could happen. Still my hopes got dropped. And I was like, maybe he got his phone stolen because he's in Barcelona. Yes. Yes. He didn't mean to just ditch me. No, no, he got his phone stolen and that wasn't the case. But I was trying to find excuses to, like, make myself feel better about it. But, like, at the face of it, he matched. He just wasn't feeling it that much. It's just all it is to it. It's not evil, it's not mean. Whatever. Like, we move on. So, yeah, to be fair, this advice goes for everyone. No matter who you are, no matter who you're dating. We're just talking about basic human respect. And communication, this doesn't have to go specifically for romantic relationships. This goes for your friends, your family, your coworkers, like, anyone that you're speaking to. This should just be the basic bare minimum of, like, all human conversation and communication. Like, just basic level of respect. So then I always have to stop and ask myself, like, would you allow this behavior specifically in regards to the communication aspect? Obviously we're not talking about, like, flirting or stuff like that, but, like, specifically into regards of, like, modes and frequency and tones of communication. So would you allow this from a friend or a close family member? Would you be upset if your friend did this too you? If so, then you have every right to be upset if a romantic connection is doing this to you. So I like to usually compare it to a friend. Like, if you were getting together with a friend on the weekend and you had been talking about it, like, maybe earlier in the week, and then, I mean, it's not only just up to them to text you. Like, it does go both ways. But if neither of you reach out, or if you reach out and they don't respond to you and they just never text you for like, two days up until. And they are kind of distant, I feel that that would be extremely rude. And I would be like, dude, like, is everything okay? Like, what's going on with you? Like, hello? I would say that to a friend. I'd be like, dude, like, are we meeting up? Or, like, what's going on? Like, can we get some communication here? Like, what's, what's happening here? And if they have an excuse, that's great. But it's like, hey, like, let me know what's going on. Because I also have to plan my life and I can't just be waiting around for you, like, praying that you give me a crumb of attention. Like, that's not normal. So just don't gaslight yourself into thinking that you're asking for too much or that you're being crazy. Please don't do that. If you feel the need to ask for reassurance or ask for clarification from your friends or from, like, a post online, then you usually have your answer right there. Usually if you're shaking the Magic 8 ball, the outlook is not so good. Okay, so, yeah. Are there scenarios where there's, like, some nuance and some excuses and some very valid reasons why something might not have worked out in one situation, but then it ultimately works out in the long run? Of course. Of course, like, this is all very situational and circumstantial like, it's not a cookie cutter type of rule. But the more that you feel confused and the more that you are seeking reassurance from strangers is, like a sign that things are not usually going well. And that goes for romantic or platonic relationships. Like, if you feel like someone in your life is acting a bit weird and maybe not being the most respectful towards you, you're usually right. They probably aren't. Um, um. And that's okay. But you're the only one in control of, like, how you react to it. So a lot of it falls on you to decide, like, okay, well, do I want to continue trying to make things work with this person, or do I want to just say, hey, I'm going to cut my losses and, like, take it as an L and move on? So me venting is one thing. Of course, things are not always 100% perfect, but I do think that deep down we all know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And the problem is that we make excuses for men's behavior way too often and it's harmful to us at the end of the day. So men typically. I mean, if we're being very, like, I'm very much generalizing here. This obviously isn't the case for every individual. But at large, if we're making sweeping generalizations, men are usually not sitting around wondering if they're a little bit crazy or wondering if a girl still likes them after she followed 30 dudes on Instagram all of a sudden, for example, or if she's still liking her ex's pictures and her ex doesn't follow her back. Most men would just clock it and move on and be like, no, not me, not for me. She'she's. She's messed up. Not for me. Like, I don't know what it is about the difference in the sexes or whatever the dynamics we have going on, but majority of men are seeing, like, m. That was a little weird. Weird. And they, like, ditch you and move on. Like, ghost you and move on. It could take, like, a little leaf in the wind for them to be like, actually, I don't like her anymore. Like, we've all been there. Okay? We've all been there. So I always find it helpful to flip the scenario and ask yourself if the man would be sitting around nervous, twiddling his thumbs about an issue, or if he wouldn't give two fucks, like, would he be the same amount of, like, bent over and sick with nerves, like, feeling so crazy and like, oh, am I, am I being too much Am I asking for too much? Guys, like, for the most part, are not sitting over sick with nerves, wondering if they're asking for too much. Like, they're not doing that. Okay, maybe a few are, but they have delusional levels of confidence and delusional levels of thinking that they're hot. They think they could get with literally anyone. Okay? So they are not bothered by you. Like, following 30 more dudes on Instagram. They'll just go, m m, okay, don't care. Or they just move on and find another girl. Like, whatever it is, they're not sitting, like, sick with nerves about it as much as you are. And again, to reiterate, if you would not find this behavior acceptable from a friend, then you should not make excuses for a man's behavior. Like, there's really no difference. He should be your friend before he's your lover. He should treat you as like, a great, respected person in his life before he even treats you as his lover. Like, the basic decency should come before the romance. You know what I mean? So I'm going to start talking about boundaries a little bit. And having extremely strong boundaries when it comes to dating is not easy. This is honestly why I deleted the dating apps, because I have a hard time holding them in place if I'm being completely honest. Like, I'm nervous that I will let my boundaries fall, and I don't want that to happen. So I'm very cautious and overly cautious, honestly, to a fault. But for me, that's okay. Like, I don't feel the need to rush my romantic love life, uh, in order to what? Like, what would really be the gain out of that? In my opinion, there's really no gain out of that. So I'm fine taking it extremely slowly and making sure that I'm really set in my standards and my boundaries before I, like, allow a man into my life. And I didn't want to be on the dating apps because I know that when I get a crush, although I am pretty proud of myself with this, um, most recent match that I was kind of like, okay, you know what? Brush it off. Move on to the next one. Like, whatever. That's the vibe I want to have is, like, neutrality. Like, if someone doesn't like you back, no sweat. There's a million dollars out there. I'll find another one. That's really hard for me because I have such a scarcity mindset when it comes to guys because I am very picky and I am very pessimistic about the thought of there even Being a guy out there at this point in this world that is, like, even remotely respectful and hot and, like, all the things I said in the beginning of the episode, like, a little bit taller than me, funny, but not quite as funny as me. Um, likes me, like, 5% more than I like him. Is into the same things I'm into. Whatever, all those things. I get really pessimistic about it, and I start to get really annoyed so that when I do finally find a guy that I think is, like, acceptable for me to start talking to, I get really attached to the idea that it has to work out because it feels so scarce. Like, oh, my God, I finally found a guy that I like. Oh, my God. Oh, m. My God, it has to work out. Uh, and I put all this pressure on it, and then when it doesn't happen, I get so upset and I think that I messed it up. I'm usually like, oh, I'm such an idiot. I'm m so dumb. I'm so ugly. I'm so, like, that's my default. And so I have to catch myself all the time and tell myself not to do that. It's really hard. And also, I emotionally get invested into these men, and they take, like, they suck, like, all my energy away, and I need that energy to focus on my own life. Like, unless they're bringing, like, this, like, they're bringing so much good to my life that it's not fully distracting me, then then, uh, I'll probably know that's a good person for me. But most of the time it just feels like I'm super distracted and that I can't even focus on my own life for, like, some random dude. Like, that is just crazy to me. So I have been extremely cautious when I'm, like, dipping my toes into the dating pond or whatever. Um, but yeah, so you need to love yourself first and accept yourself and want the best for yourself. And that sounds super corny and super like, duh. But honestly, when you really, like, when you say that to yourself in the mirror, you might start crying. You might start crying because you might not actually believe it. You say that, uh, of course I love myself. Like, duh. Did you look at yourself in the Mirror at 11pm last night and tell yourself that and not start crying? I'm just saying it's very difficult when you actually break it down and then you maybe do a journaling session about it. And what do you not feel worthy of? I'm just saying. I'm not saying everyone's the same. Maybe A lot of people already have a lot of self love, but I think most of us, unfortunately, are not very, uh, nice to ourselves. So then we kind of subconsciously. And again, this is so individual to individual. It is not a cookie cutter, like, standard thing. But because a lot of us struggle with truly self, like, loving ourselves and accepting ourselves, you might subconsciously allow unacceptable behavior from men because maybe you feel that you're not worth a better man or that you finally found a guy and you can't let it go because you're so worried it won't work out with another guy and you're on a timeline and you can't be so picky and blah, blah, blah. You have to still, like, stay true to what is best for yourself. And I like to imagine myself, like, as if I was my own daughter, which is really hard to think of sometimes. But imagine, like, if you were your own daughter, what would you allow for her? Like, what would you find acceptable? You probably wouldn't find acceptable a lot of the stuff that you've already gone through. And it's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. It's not our fault, it's not my fault. But I do think it will be very beneficial to, like, really do that. Hard. Looking at yourself raw, even literally in the mirror and being like, I love myself. Just try that. It's actually kind of scary and kind of hard. Um, but anyways, so then you have to start asking yourself, like, why you allow certain, um, unacceptable behaviors from men. And it's not making excuses for them. Like, they're not part of the equation right now. We're just focusing on ourselves. Do you not feel worthy of more acceptable behavior? Or maybe, like, are you worried you won't find another man if you stop seeing this one? Are you worried that you've invested too much time with this one and then it will all be a waste? Maybe you have kids. Maybe you have, like, assets that you need to divide. Like, it can become quite intense. Maybe you're more worried about yourself. Like, you're more worried about rejection. So, like, maybe you're more worried that he'll think that you're weird. Um, maybe you're worried that he'll think that you're gross. Like, if you really get down to it. And like, a lot of people have these fears. I have these fears all the time. All the time. Uh, and honestly, Leuxapro, I keep. I shout out Lexapro practically every episode, but Lexapro is, I would say for me, a key to Being able to even ask myself these questions and, like, not be so affected by it. And my goal, like I talked about with my therapist, is like, neutrality. You don't necessarily want to feel super excited or super depressed about any of these topics or feelings. Like, your aim is for neutrality for the most part, especially when speaking to men going on a date, you should feel neutral. Like, hey, this could go either way. At the end of the day, it's just a nice experience and I'm getting to know someone new. Like, that's my goal for going on dates, is not having major expectations one way or the other. It's just an experience with another person that could go great, could go not so great. Whatever it is, you take it on the chin. You make your decisions on the fly that are best for you and keep it pushing. That's my goal currentlyuse that's. It's very difficult for me to do that. Um, so you have to remind yourself that you are worthy of a man who meets all your standards and treats you with the utmost respect. That is the basic bare minimum. And then you need to define what your boundaries are, what, like, your deal breakers are. Maybe you have, like, some soft boundaries or, like, some. Ideally they would be like this, but maybe I can, you know, compromise on certain things. Um, but just, like, get really specific. Like, what kind of life, what kind of relationship do you want? Uh, write them down. Like, I think I need to be more specific, honestly, because I don't want to settle for somebody who doesn't meet certain things in my life. Like, I mean, a lot of things. I've been actually a lot more flexible on my, like, deal breakers since moving to Spain. And I think it's just because it's like, yeah, I mean, I can't expect perfection from someone. I don't want them to expect perfection from me. That wouldn't really be fair. So I can't expect, like, perfection from someone else. But then I get annoyed because I'm like. But I can still expect, like, a basic level of human respect. And I can also expect them to at least be hot. To me personally, I would like to think who I'm with is hot. That would be nice. Am I crazy for asking for that? I don't think so. U. Uh, yeah, it would be nice if they were, like, hot and maybe went a little bit out of their way to, like, be super. I don't know, doing like, acts of service for me or like, also having, like, a lot of the same interests that I have. That would be cool. So there's certain deal breakers. And then also, like, the more logistical ones, do they live in the same country as me? Do they want kids or not? Are they really religious? You know, those more logistical things that are not so sexy, but you kind of got to be on the same page or it'snna come to a head eventually and not really work. Those are things that you got to really sit down and think about. Because I think you, you'd like to think like, oh, I already know what I want. But I mean, sometimes you don't realize the things that you really have strong feelings about until you, like, literally sit down and just get them out on paper and think about it. Um, um. And then once you have gotten specific on your boundaries and your wants and needs in a relationship, you can start to separate your own self worth from male validation. And I think you do that through repeated experiences and like, aiming for neutrality. Right? So, like, not having any major expectations one way or the other. And for me, this is really hard because I. I'm like, uh, I mean, I am a Taurus. I guess technically I just found out I was a Taurus like a few years ago. But I am a Taurus and I am very stubborn. Like, I will not be rejected. I will not. I refuse. I'm like, on the one end of the scale. I always use, like a metaphorical scale or whatever. I'm like, on the one end of the scale where I, like, refuse to be rejected. Therefore, I will not reach out and I will just zip it and never speak a word. I will never tell you if I like you. I will never give you a hint that I think that you're even, um, remotely attractive. I will not even recognize you. I will not even look your way. That's not really helpful though, if you want to tell someone you're into them or if you want a guy to come up to you in a bar or something, you know, you got to give them a little something to go off of. Or otherwise it's like they would just assume that you're literally not even a little bit interested. So I've had to work on, you know, inching my way towards, like, maybe I even make the first move. And guess what? Who cares? Because who cares? Because who cares? It's just a guy. They'll stick their dick in a fleshlight and be happy. So, like, it's just a guy. You know what I mean? So, like, being rejected. Who cares? Take on the chin. Like, my new goal in life is just take it on the chin and move on like who cares? Like the more that you feel confident with yourself and like you know that you're still worthy even if a guy doesn't like you. Cause literally that's so unimportant. That's so unimportant. But like the more that you practice, it's like the repetition, right? Like I do this in therapy, even with just exposure and response therapy, the more like within your window of tolerance. So if you haven't looked that up, look it up. Do a little of your own research on like what your window of tolerance is. Try to slightly stretch it, uh, slightly go outside of your comfort zone and put yourself in these scenarios that will be just beyond your comfort zone and then you kind of slowly expand your window of tolerance over time and eventually it won't be so hurtful anymore or it won't be so stressful anymore to engage in these activities. Whether it's like flirting at a bar, reaching out to a guy for the first time or like uh, first before he reaches out to you. Like just these little, little things won't bother you so much anymore. After like a lot of practice and intentional situations. Like you don't want to just throw yourself out there willy nilly in any extreme situation. Like you do have to kind of pick and choose where you engage to strategically widen your window of tolerance. Anyway, that could become a whole other separate topic. But that's, that's what I've been working on personally. And the more that you work on your boundaries and work on your self worth and know that you're worthy, the less that you'll be affected and feel bad about yourself. If you're like rejected by a man or if a man disrespects you, you'll be like okay, cool. Like the clearer and the quicker that you can figure out like hey, he's not for me. Great. I need the answer now. I have it now I can make a clear and informed decision now I don't have to waste my time anymore. I know that it's not going to work. Toss them out onto the next one. Like that's kind of the mentality you need to start having rather than like oh, but I want to take them back out of the trash. U u, uh, leave em there. He already went down the trash chute. Youre not going to go digging in the dumpster. Get him out of here. Next topic. Like I just said, you need to think of it as a way to very quickly and efficiently filter out the men who are not a good match for you. Which by the way, if were thinking about statistically is going to be majority of men, majority of men are not going to be a good match for you. There's like 7 billion people on the planet. Hey, most of those people aren't going to be your future husband. Okay? Most of them are not. So that's okay. That's okay. It doesn't mean you're any less of a person because guess what? Do you even like them? Did you ask yourself that yet? I also need to remember that because I'm so focused on if they like me and impressing them and trying to be like, o ah. So that they see me and go, oh, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Oh, m. My God, do I even like them? Do I? Because usually I don't. Usually when it comes down to it and I learn more information about them, usually I'm like, oh, yeah, I actually don't even like them that much. So why was I so worried about it in the first place? So just pause, evaluate, make your moves. Filter out the men that are not good for you and keep it moving. You don't want to just be with any random guy who will give you a cheap two seconds of attention. You want someone who appreciates you for you because you deserve that kind of relationship. And this is me talking to myself, by the way. Um, so be confident. Don't be meek and nervous. Stand up tall. Literally, I have to remind myself because my boobs are so big they just drag my back down. But I literally have to remind myself in public to be like, no, no, no, don't shrink yourself physically. Even, like, take up space. Act confident even if you don't feel like it. Like physically lifting your. I think there's literal science, scientific reports on this that literally, like opening up your chest and like lifting your chin make you feel more confident, literally, because you're. That's like a more confident position rather than being like all covered and like defensive. Like, just. It's okay. You look the way you look and someone's gonna like it. You don't have to be worried about covering and like, uh, do I look, uh, I. Because I catch myself doing that all the time because I'm ext. Extremely self conscious of my boobs and I hate how big they look. So I'm always kind of like. And I kind of hate doing this because it makes them more pronounced and I really don't like it. But it is also more flattering to just stand up straight. Like, nobody wants to be like, if you're walking around all'll hunched over especially. I'm just imagining myself, like, dressed up in heels and a nice outfit in the bar. But I'm like, hunched over, walking around, like, all nervous, like, oh, do I look good? Oh, is my hair. Is my. No, don't do that. Don't do that. Even if you don't feel confident, just own it. Say fuck it and be like, who wants me? That's my goal anyway, by the way, did I tell you guys that I'm going to a singles eventnt on Thursday? Oh, my God. Crazy. So this is all me kind of like hyping myself up for that as well, because I think I might be going by myself, which is crazy. Yo, I'm so wild and so crazy. Oh, my God. Um, so literally, like, just own yourself, own it. Like, who cares if someone doesn't like you? And. And yeah, crickets. Just don't let men feel like they're the prize just because they took you on a date and that you're, like, so thankful for it. Like, oh, my God, I'm so glad we could get together. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh my God. It's just a date. Literally, guys, this is me talking to myself. It's just a date. It's like the same if you went on a date with your friend, you know, like, you and your friend went out to a nice dinner. It's just two people talking and seeing if you vibe and if you don't, cool. Okay, see you. Have a nice life. Bye. But it should still be respectful and they should still want the best for you and be kind and, like, communicate clearly. Like, even if you don't work out, that should still be the basic bare minimum. If they're not even meeting that. Oh my God, thank God you noticed. Kick them out quickly, expeditiously. Get them out of here. They're not the match for you. Your future husband would not do that. So anyways, for so many years, I have been witnessed to and been told by my friends and family how terrible their relationships are. And yet they stay in them or they settle because they're comfortable and they're worried about what might happen if they leave. And theres a lot of unknowns, a lot of stress, a lot of financial issues you're tied up in. Divorce, kids, money, assets, whatever. It is terrifying to witness. For me, it's terrifying to witness. I'm like, oh, Jesus Lord, what the fuck? This is what I have to look forward to. Like, these are the examples that I've been Shown. That sounds terrible. Like, if you were giving me a contract that was like, you get to experience this, this, this, this, this with the man that you're with, and he might be nice to you, like, 15% of the time, but the rest of the time he's actually terrible, and he's a drunk asshole. Do you want to sign up for that? Ah. Uh, no. Hello? No, no, Please, God, keep it away from me. That's fucking terrifying. No, no. And even if they are nice to you 50% of the time, maybe they're just dickish enough that they still like girls pictures on Instagram. And. And again, which girls? Okay, we can talk about that. But, like, if they're violating little boundaries, and it's kind of like all these little things that you're like, uh, is it so bad? U. Uh. And then all of a sudden, you're a urine, and you look back and you're like, whoa. That was just a trail of red flags coming behind me the whole way. O. Oops. And it's like these little things that you're like, ah, but do I want to make a big deal out of it? I'm being ridiculous. Uh, u. U. Are you, though? Are you, though? Because your future husband wouldn't do that. You know what I mean? So are you, though? No, probably not. You're probably not being ridiculous. Okay. You're probably not. No. So I am thankful that I have never had a relationship and that I've been able to go to therapy and unlearn so many terrible thought patterns that I have been taught my entire life before seriously dating someone. Like, I just genuinely can't be thankful enough that I have had just. Of course I've had experiences with men, but they've been pretty minuscule. And I have completely removed myself from the dating scene since that terrible date in September 2019. Like, it was just so terrible that it really, really, like, scarred me for life. I was like, oh, oh, okay. And then the one before that and October 2018 was also terrible. And then in July 2018, that was also terrible. So, like, there was just like, like, terrible. Really bad. Not good. You see what I mean? So I just kind of removed myself. I was like, you know what? I see what's going on here. I'm just going to pull myself out of the game, tap out, be a bench warmer, and just watch everything happen from the sidelines. You guys can go play. I will watch and judge a little. Just a little. But that's why we're here. We're having this conversation today. So these skills are crucial in all aspects of life. Like I said, like, it doesn't just have to be restricted to romantic relationships. U um, having concrete morals and values and really knowing yourself, knowing what you will and won't accept for people and relationships in your life. That is so important and it's completely valid for you to uphold those and wait until you find someone that fits what you're looking for. Like, that's super valid. I would actually expect everyone to do that. That's very normal. So my final point on m this randty topic today is, uh, don't be afraid to learn about yourself and want better for yourself. Don't let people tell you that you're asking for too much. Don't let a man make you feel crazy or less valuable. Learn what you want from a relationship and stand on it. Don't waver. Don't accept less just for male validation or attention. Their validation and attention is cheap. They will give it to anyone and anything. And don't be afraid to face rejection because there will be much more rejection out there. Then there will be matches. Just statistically, that'that's all it comes down to. So your worth so much more than you realize. And don't get so upset about it. Dudes are just dudes. Like I love that scene from Sex in the City. That's like, maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just like some dudes that we have fun with. Isn't that just so poetic? I mean, of course. Like, I would. My ideal trope is like, friends to lovers O please, Jesus, send me a friends to lovers trope. Send me a hot friends to lovers trope, please. Because I want to go so slow that it's like, are we even friends? Will we become lovers? Will we? Won't we? O. I don't know. But like, that would be so great for me. I really need that because I just don't want to feel any pressure and I don't want to push someone away. If we could just really dip our toes in really slow, that would be great for me. So. Hey, whoever's listening, bring that my way, please. Um, um. I also. I feel like maybe my Internet was just really in sync with my brain wavess last night or something when I was writing all of this. But I did see a nice quote. It's the unknown Art of Poets, a monk once said. So, you know, I don't have anyone specific to credit this to, but a monk once said, imagine being bitten by a snake. And instead of focusing on healing from the poison, you chase the snake to understand why it bit you and to prove that you didn't deserve it. That's kind of like the summary of what I see most women doing. And ultimately who cares why it bit you? It bit you and that sucks. And you've got to like, look at the situation in front of you and say, what am I goingna do now? And it usually kind of sucks. I think that's what people are like, holding on to some shred of hope. I mean, I see it all the time, even with like close family, friends or, you know, just almost every relationship in my life where like the man is just not treating the woman well. And maybe the woman's not always the best either. I'm not saying that the women are completely not at fault. Like there's obviously it goes both ways, but we're just talking about how women can make decisions based on what's in front of them. Right? The women know that their husband is terrible. Straight up terrible. If it was someone else and they were looking at someone else's relationship like I am, you know, they would say, oh my God, he's terrible. Why doesn't she leave him? Isn't that like the age old question? Like there's so many circumstances, there's so many hurdles. Like it's not as easy as it sounds. However, okay, so if you love the person, obviously you're holding on to a shred of hope that they can become the person that you know they have the capabilities to be. Or you hope you don't know that they have the capability to be that person, because have they ever really showed it to you or do you just know that you hope they could be that way if they've never really showed it to you? You're kind of holding on to like a dream that's never gonna come true and that's really harmful to yourself, that's not fair to you. There's someone out there that will treat you so much better than they do. And why are you holding on to hope that this person might maybe possibly one day after still treating you so terribly, will finally treat you a bit better? Like if the split of them treating you well is like 85% of the time, they're treating you really terribly, they're being rude, they're demeaning you, they're not supporting you, they're not learning about you, they don't care about your hobbies or interests. Um, um, they tell you that you're stupid, they don't like the things that you do, like, if they're constantly just beating you down, if it's physically or emotionally or just verbally, whatever, but you hold on to that 15% of the time that they've been kind of nice to you. I mean, what are we doing? What are we doing? Like, you've got to make moves. You've got to look at the situation and say, damn, this really, really sucks. I really love this person. We have done so many things together. We have so much history together. I love this person. I know they love me, but do they love me that much if they're being that mean to me? No, they don't. They don't. They probably don't love themselves. That's a whole other thing. They probably have their own issues, but that's not up to you. You can't control the other person. You can only control yourself and how you react to the situation. And once you recognize the situation for what it is, it's ultimately on you for what you do. So that was a little bit harsh to epe, but you can't keep chasing after someone who's not respecting you. Like, you can't force them into respecting you. And it's ultimately for your own best interest to remove yourself from the situation and find people who are better for you. You deserve that. We all deserve that. Like, no matter who you are, you deserve to be surrounded by people who are, like, kind, open minded, respectful, are interested in you, they see you for who you are. When they give you gifts, they actually know what you like. They pay attention to you, they want to spend quality time with you. These are basic things that we should expect from the people that we want in our lives. I just think that it doesn't have to be always about all. The man isn't treating you right. It's just we should expect this type of level of respect and communication from all the relationships in our life. And obviously I was quite triggered in today's EP with, like, me doing my little hinge experiment this week. But I think for me it's a win because I don't really feel like, although I'm obviously ranting about it in today's episode, I actually really don't feel one way or the other about it, which is, oh, my God, you guys, I could cry. The feeling of neutrality is. It feels like a superpower. And I have only just recently started feeling that way because I think LexPro really helped me, like, even just have the ability to do that, obviously through a lot of therapy and a lot of inner work and, like, Inner reflecting on why I allow men to treat me a certain way. And it's not that I always allow it. It's that I think that that's normal. And I've never seen examples of it working out well. So, uh, Honestly, just through TikTok alone, I think TikTok really opened my eyes to, like, oh, yeah, we should expect more. We should not allow things that are so negative. Um, and I will, uh, end off on this. A couple resources for you guys if you are interested. Sorry, I had to grab my other phone because my other phone still has TikTok on it. Maybe it's in the app store now I can finally be back down to one phone again. So one of the accounts that I really enjoy for, like, learning about women's issues, intersectionality, just all of that kind of thing when it comes to, like, dating and having high standards for yourself, is Mel Hamlet. Um, she's an author, a journalist. Um, I really like her videos. And then obviously drew off wallow. I mean, she doesn't really post about it so much anymore. But I remember when she first started getting big on TikTok, I was like, oh, my God, M. I'm allowed to get upset. Like, I'm allowed to have feelings about this stuff and, like, think that it's not okay. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, wait, this is the first time that I've ever felt, like, I'm allowed to be up upset and that I'm justified in it. Like, that is a crazy feeling. And it's sad that a lot of women just never feel that they're allowed to feel upset and, like, really get angry about how they've been treated. It's okay. And then once you've had that feeling and you've learned about what you want and do, then you can make more informed decisions. But, like, you've got to get through the initial, like, frustration and grief of it all to get through to the, you know, neutrality. And then also, I would invite you to read the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I read it, and it's honestly kind of almost more like a workbook for couples because there is a section at the end where you can do, like, um, yeah, like, honestly, kind of like a workshop with your partner. Um, but it breaks down the invisible labor that women do that are just completely ignored by men for the most part. And, like, the super bowl was just last night, and I already saw so many TikToks about women joking, like, oh, you know, when I say we're having friends over for The super bowl and like my husband goes outside and cuts down a tree while I'm like washing the dishes. Like it's, they're making it like it's funny. And it's like that's, that's actually like not funny though. Like that's. I don't know, I don't find that funny like at all. Like we need to stop like minimizing and be like, oh, he's just, he's just a boy. He's just a guy. Guys just do that. They're so silly. It's not funny. I don't know. I'm not laughing. So I just see so many Tiktoks all the time where it's like when um, a couple has a newborn and the mom is begging for a few minutes off from being attached to the baby so she can shower and do a bit of self care, that the husband is just following her around with the baby on his hip, using the mom as entertainment for the baby so that he doesn't actually have to do any work or like, pay attention to the baby himself and like actually bond with the baby that he's just carrying around the baby so that the baby can look at the mom and that they can both be like hovering over the mom while she's showering and getting ready for bed and like doing her skincare routine. And I saw multiple videos of that same. I mean, of course, I'm sure with a lot of like family accounts or whatever, it's like, oh, uh, he, he's so silly. Like, uh, um. Aren't men just so silly sometimes? They just don't get it, do they? That's not funny, guys. Like, that's seriously not funny. Like you should ask for them to not follow you around like that and like give you some actual time. I don't know. So if you want to be, if you want to feel a little bit more righteous in knowing that you do a lot of invisible work at home, which is. This is. Sorry. The book itself is kind of a bit of a tangent from the actual topic of today. But I do feel that it's important to, uh, recognize all the invisible labor that women do. And that's something I'm very passionate about and I think it's a good, helpful book. And then I also, like I said, I really like Mel Hamlet on TikTok and I like a lot of other, uh, creators. Anyways, I know this was obviously a bit of a longer, a bit of a heavier episode. Uh, uh, hope you still enjoy it. Regardless, I still hold out a shred of hope that I will meet a guy that I find fits s what I'm looking for. Um, but I'm also not in a rush. Like I said, I'm not in a rush to shab a boyfriend right this second. That doesn't mean I need to get out there and be, like, knocking on everyone's doors, like, do you have a hot guy living here who can hang out with me? Hu. Like, who even would do that? But anyway, um, yeah. So, like, that's obviously not something that's, like, immediately a concern for me. However, I have been very closed off and very cautious. And I do think for the long term health of my, like, own mental health, I do kind of need to get back out there just, like, a teeny bit and practice the neutral feelings about it and just kind of let myself be rejected and, like, it's okay. That just fine. That's cool. It's whatever. So that's like, what I'm going to be working on is, like, not feeling upset if something doesn't work out that I was really hoping for because, like, then that just wasn't your person. End of. Sorry. It's okay. It's fine. And, like, not having big feelings one way or the other about it, like, you're obviously totally valid to feel upset, obviously. But, like, my goal personally for me at this point in my life is to not have such strong upset feelings and feeling like I'm not worthy if a man doesn't want to go on a date with me. Like, okay, big whoop. Okay, cool. That's like, my inner thoughts is, like, all right. And like, okay, cool. Sure. It's not gonna work out, like, onto the next one. So anyway, but I will let you guys know how that singles event goes because it's Valentine's Day this week. Obviously, I won't be having a Valentine. But I mean, the goal of the, uh, event, since it's on Thursday, is, like, they're saying it's like, you know, find your Valentine's Day date so that you can go on a Valentine's Day date on Friday. So, hey, maybe I will have a Valentine's Day date. Maybe. Probably not. But I will let you guys know in the next episode. So, uh, I hope it didn't. I'm so sorry, guys. Like, now I'm starting to backtrack, and this is what I mean. Like, stand on what you mean and don't be nervous. Like, you mean what you said, and you said what you meant, and I do, but I just don't want anybody to feel like that I was yelling at them. So now I'm feeling bad. But I do want everyone to work on themselves so that you don't feel bad at. My whole point is I don't want you to feel bad in the future so that you can do this proactive work to avoid these situations in the future. Because I don't want to see women feeling bad about themselves. That's my number one goal of this is I don't want women to feel bad about themselves. I want them to feel powerful and they're amazing and a prize, and anyone would be lucky to have you. And that's how you should feel every single day. So I hope that you're having a lovely day and that you have amazing experiences with men moving forward. I'm sorry, guys, but it's not the most fun topic. But anyways, I appreciate you for listening. I'm sending you a big hug and a virtual heart to whoever you are, even if you're a straight man and you listen to this. Um, shout out to you. First of all, thank you. You're one of the good ones. W. And, um, maybe I'll have a blessed week. Thank you, baby Jeebus. Yeah, bye.