Reasonably Certain

Still High off an Edible... Summer in Barcelona, Life is a Numbers Game

• Ellen Larson • Episode 45

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EP #45: Ellen is excited about her new TikTok strategies and her goal to hit 10k followers by the end of June. She goes on to discuss the benefits of personal branding even if you're not a celebrity, and the joys of summer in Barcelona. Ellen also reflects on aging, self-acceptance, and the excitement of pursuing dreams. 


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>> Ellen:

Hey, guys. Welcome back to Reasonably Certain. My name is Ellen. This is episode 45. And I think I'm still high from the edible that I took last night.

It's 2:

14pm but it didn't hit me

till 3:

00am no, no. Probably hit me at. At

12:

30. I don't know, something like that. But I still feel. So that's cool. I'm not really mad about it, though. I don't feel super high. I just feel, like, very chill, which is kind of nice. I'm kind of loving this. Although I do feel a bit sleepy. And, so I don't want my energy to be low for the podcast, but that's okay. So here we are, episode 45. I know I said I was gonna get back to weekly episodes, but last week, guys, editing my Miami vlog was like three podcast episodes long. Like, I couldn't do that. Plus the app, podcast episode. So that was just, you know, last week was the Miami vlog. It's like an hour and a half long. It was three hours of footage and 714 clips. So, yeah, it took me, like, a long time to edit, but now it's up. I'm glad it's a fun vlog. Go watch it if you haven't. But here we are, episode 45. It's Sunday, and I am just chilling today. I have to edit some TikToks, film some Tik tooks, and yeah, I've just been like, tik took, tik took, tik took. That's been my whole brain this whole month. Because ever since I got back from Miami, I was like, girl, I've got to get on my zoom, and that means I got to get on my Tik Tok. Like, I love YouTube. I think YouTube is my favorite. I've told you that, guys that before. But it's just not that easy to go viral on YouTube as it is compared. Like, compared to how easy it is on TikTok. So that's where I'm going. My efforts are being put into TikTok, and I've been posting successfully, like, five times a day. Some days less, some days more. But I would say on average, I've been posting like five times a day. And I think it's not enough. So I'm like, damn it, how am I gonna post more? And so've've. My TikTok for you page has just been, like, full of people being like, do you want to go viral on TikTok? Well, this is how you do it. And Da D and I appreciate the tips. I think I've finally like. I do feel like I've hit a time in my life where it's like everything is culminating. And I'm like, no, I'm ready. This is my moment. This is my moment. Everything is going to come together and it's time. I genuinely do feel like that. No matter how silly it sounds, I do feel like that. But I mean, my for you page has been getting kind of boring. Cause it's like, are we gonna create content or just talk about to create content. Like there's a difference. I want to see silly stuff, creative stuff, interesting stuff, crazy story times, whatever, whatever. I want to see interesting TikToks. on my for you page, I don't want to see just like TikTok after TikTok, like this is how you blow up on TikTok in four videos or one month or whatever. But I genuinely do think it is a numbers game. So I'm like, I guess I just have to spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. Because it is like a lottery ticket. And I've heard a lot of people on TikTok say that, that each video is like a lottery ticket. And so the more lottery tickets you have, obviously the more chances you have of going viral. And so it's like, duh, the faster you put videos out, the faster you have a chance of going viral. And also you more quickly figure out what your niche is, what you prefer filming, how you prefer filming, what topics do the best on your page. So it's actually really like, there's no downsides to posting a lot more. Like, it's not the same as Instagram, where you would be like spamming your audience and they would get exhausted of you. Because not everyone sees every single one of your TikTok videos that follows you. So like, it's. You have to just assume a completely brand new audience is seeing every single video and that every single video you put out is like someone's first impression of you and that it's not the same group of like 200 people seeing it every time. Like, it is, you know, they show it to some of your mutuals, obviously, but other than that, it's usually a new group of people so you don't have to feel bad about like spamming content. And then one girl, I forgot her name, but she has like 1.7 million followers now. And she said she posted like 25 to 30 times a day for like a month straight or something like that. And that got her to 1.7 million. And I was like, I don't think. I, don't want that many followers. Honestly, like, I don't need that much attention. But I would love to at least get it to a point where it can be monetizable. And so guys, my goal was by the end of June. Girl, we only have a week left. I don't know if it's gonna happen if I cross my fingers and keep posting, maybe it will. But I wanted to get to 10,000 followers by the end of June. Cause then I can become part of the creator, like the creator program or whatever. but you need 10,000 followers. And I'm at like 8,472 or something like that. And I've gained like 270 followers in the last like two weeks, which is not a lot, but it's a lot compared to what I was doing before. So clearly my strategy is working. If you guys are curious, just spam post, spam post, spam post. See what does. Well, you'll more quickly learn about yourself as well. So really there's no downsides to it. You'll learn about yourself way quicker than if you were to post like one video a day or one video a week. It would just take. It just drains. Or like, what am I trying to say? Drags out the process so much longer. So yeah, really, like, it's like, just get over the cringe post, Throw spaghetti at the wall, see what sticks. Like, it's really can't hurt. So that's what I've been doing. And honestly, it's really fun because the more you post, the less pressure you put on each individual video to do well. So if my videos don't do well, I'm like, ye, whatever. I'll post another one in like 10 minutes. You know what I mean? Like, I don't feel so let down if a video only gets like 10 likes. I'm like, okay ono the next one. So. So I actually find that it's very helpful for like the mental. Whatever, like the mental aspect of it as well, to like not get hung up on a video getting stuck in like 200 view jail. So, yeah, like, I already had one video go. I don't wa want to say viral, but it has decent traction. Like, I think it got like 11,000 likes for like talking about the Izumea relaunch, because Isumea Beauty is relaunching their industrial palettes, and I think they're just doing a bit of a relaunch. Of the entire brand in August, I believe. but it's gonna look different. Like, you won't get the cool packaging anymore. Let me see if I can get a specific day for you guys. I don't know, do we have a date yet or did they just say August? I'm reading a Reddit on beauty guru chatter and like, I don't know that anyone has a date. I will say the new pans is a bit disappointing that it's changing the shape of the pans, but I don't know, people were saying the shades look different. They look the same to me. and then I also had like an epiphany slash. Like, I feel like my whole life is a lie. So I don't know. TBD on the date. It's go going toa be in August, I believe. So I guess we'll keep an eye out for that. but I was like, do I rebuy the entire industrial 2.0 palette just for the one shade that I like? And I have been like, ass kissing this quote unquote shade for like two years ever since I got the palette, because I'm obsessed with it. And I kept saying that the shade was called oxide. It's just like what I have on my eyes now, if you can see it on YouTube. But I post tiktoks with this eyeshadow all the time if you're curious. And I always get compliments on it and people asking what it is. And it is izumea alloy. I posted a video being like, I don't know what to do. I've looked for dupes, like, comparing a bunch of dupes for izum alloy, but this whole time I've been calling it oxide. So on my isume dupes TikTok that I made, I swatched like five different dupes. And they just, they. None of them come close. They don't even come close. Some people were suggesting, like, the Danessa myrics lightworks palette. So I'll have to see if I can get my hands on that. But in the meantime, there's no dupes. So I was like, do I really have to reuy the whole palette? Because I'm almost out of alloy. But I keep saying alloy like that because I thought it was called oxide this whole freaking time. So I never thought. I like, never thought twice about it. I was like, okay. I read the palette a certain way. Like, that's clearly oxide. No, it's not. It's alloy. So one girl commented on my video of the isuma oxide dupes. And she was like, I think you're reading it backwards. Like, I think that shade is actually alloy. And I was like, what? No. And then I look it up, and she's right. She's right, she's right. I was wrong this whole time. I read the palette backwards. Like, m flipped. But I made a TikTok also talking about this, because I was like, guys, I don't understand. Like, when you read a palette, you look at the palette, you're looking down at the shades. Don't we all read it? As in, like, oh, I like this shade. If I poked a pin straight through the palette, like, whatever the name is, directly underneath the shade. No, that's not how all palettes are. I thought that was how every single palette was made was like, if the names are on the bottom, like, you flip the palette over, they're on the bottom of the package. I thought it would be directly underneath, not like reading a book, flipping the page, and then it's flipped, you know? So on the AA palette, it's, like, upside down and flipped. And I'm like, what? So I went. And I. I went back to her YouTube channel, and I watched the original, like, launch video that she made describing all the shades and how they were made and whatever. And, yeah, like, it's alloy. This whole time, I've been hyping up the shade alloy, but I've been calling it oxide because I read the palette wrong. And then I was like, what? That doesn't. To me, that doesn't make any sense. I was like, dude, I feel like my whole life is a lie. Are we not all reading palettes like that? Like, if I like this shade, I'm justnna look and be like, what was underneath that color? anyways, so I really like the shade alloy, and I'm not sure that there's a proper dupe out there. So I'm like, damn, am I going Toa spend, like, €110 on this palette to just have basically one shade? That would be really silly, honestly. But it's such an iconic shade, and it's kind of like my thing now. Like, it unintentionally, like, became my thing because I'm just obsessed with wearing it. And now I feel like people associate me with always having a certain type of makeup look, which I kind of love. Like, it's kind of like, my thing, so I'm like, damn. Like, do I have to buy it just to keep up? Like, my thing, maybe? Damn it. Why can't they just Sell singles anyway, so that's the Isamaa palette. That's my TikTok path that I've been on. Please follow me on TikTok if you haven't already hype me up. Like, please. I've gotta break through this little, like, hump of just being stuck at 8,000 something. I've been stuck at 8,000 something for, like, a year caus I haven't really been trying that hard, if I'm being completely honest. but this month I'm like, no, no, no. Like, what are we doing? I'm just. I'm going in circles and getting nowhere. Like, what are we actually doing here? Get on your zoom. Get on your, you know, like, let's go. I've got toa make more money. I've got toa find out the way a way to make money off this. So, anyway, so that's my TikTok rant. And, I'm extremely sunburned right now. My back is so red. I'll see if I feel comfortable putting the picture I took up. But you know what a sunburn looks like. I am so red and it hurts. I'm wearing, like, my loosest sports bra right now. And even every little move I make when it's sort of rubbing against my skin, I'm like, ow, ow, ow. So not loving that I put aloon last night, Took some ibuprofen, put more alo on this morning, and I'm justnna really pray that it turns into a tan. we will see. But it was windy at the beach yesterday, so then we weren't sweating, so it was, like, deceptively warm. And oopsies. I've been really bad with SPF because like I said, my new tactic is to, like, not put SPF on for a while until I feel my skin getting hot. Then I put the SPF on. Because if I start with spf, that shit works so well on me that I'm getting zero. Color zero. I could spend three hours just roasting like this. And if I have even, like, SPF 15 on, I'm getting nothing. So I'm like, for all this effort laying in the sun, I need to at least get some 10 anyways, so I'm hoping that turns into a tann and doesn't peel. I guess we'll find out. And, yeah, I've just been trying to enjoy the beach. It's summer sollst this weekend, which means it's San Juan and Barcelona. I think they're not technically celebrating until Monday evening. Tuesday Because Sanjan is technically on the 24th. U. but yeah. So this rest of this weekend slash the next few days will just be full of crowds and fireworks. So. Not that I'm against that, but sometimes I thought the US Liked fireworks. No, no. Spain loves fireworks and reckless usage of fireworks. Like, I thought me and my family and the way we grew up, like, the way we used fireworks was, like, kind of like, oh, my God, like, we're kind of crazy. Like, they would go over the border to Wisconsin and buy, like, 15 grand worth of fireworks and do, like, a Fourth of July, you know, DIY, like, firework show in someone's backyard in one of our friend houses. Like, I thought that was like, oh, my God, like, we're so crazy. Like, it's kind of dangerous to do, like, DIY professional fireworks. But, like, thankfully, no one ever got hurt when we were doing it. And we had, like, a very specific setup. And, like, it was only the dads that were running back there and lighting the fireworks. And it was like that for a lot of years. And I was like, whoa. Like, we're so crazy for doing this. But, we weren't, like, individually lighting fireworks, like, in the streets and stuff. That's what they do here. They have. I mean, obviously it's not like big kaboom fireworks that they're doing in the middle of the street, but they have, like, little, like, fizzy spinners and, like, poppers and little things that go boom and make a big noise. And it'll just be people, like, doing it in the middle of the street. And there's like, a baby in a stroller like, two feet away. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we doing here? No one's, like, making sure before they light a firework that there's, like, a healthy amount of space around the firework where no one isnna get hurt. Like, because even these little, like, innocent fireworks, I guess you could say, could still very easily hurt someone. So I'm extremely shocked with, like, Europe being usually very. More like, regulated about these sorts of things being in Spain that I'm like, yo, y'all, your firework usage freaks me out. It's like, this is reckless, this is intense, this is loud, this is chaotic. Like, I don't know that I want to be around it. Cause I'm not trying to get hit by a rogue firework because somebody thought it was silly to light it off in the middle of the sidewalk. Like, so that makes me nervous. But I do love the summer solstice. Vibes in Spain. I love that the sun is setting at

like 10:

00pm I wish it was like that for way longer. It's already getting shorter again. I'm already sad about it, but for some reason, why am I just realizing now as a 30 year old that like the first day of summer is when the sun starts getting or like the days start getting shorter again? That feels wrong, but that's how it's always been. But that feels incorrect. But I do feel like ever since I've been a kid that the seasons have like slowly shifted more and more. Like now it'll be like winter is really from like January 1st to like April and then spring is from like April to June and then summer is from like June to October and then, did I say that right? Summers from like June to October and then fall is like October to December. So I feel like fall doesn't even er, I feel like winter doesn't even really start until the new year. That's not totally true because obviously like it gets pretty cold in December usually, but I feel like it just is like rotating or like shifting and now I'm like, I feel like summer just got started and the days are already getting shorter. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Give us some time to enjoy the 10pm sunsets. Please, please, please. I'm not ready for the days to get shorter yet. Please. anyway, so I've been really trying to take full advantage of the beach as much as I can with my friends. Only on Saturdays, really, But it's been nice. I'm like k. Saturday is like my beach day. I need to take advantage of the beach while we have it. Even though the summer in Barcelona is not necessarily super short, I feel like we only just got to beach weather like just a couple weeks ago. Like it was still like you would have some days where you could fully go to the beach, but like up until I would say like June 1st, I don't think it was really like proper beach weather. Like I feel like in most of Europe when you imagine like a Euro summer kinda, you can't really consider anything summer until June 1st. Because in most countries, like even in Italy, Greece, Spain, like the southern European countries, like all of their like beach clubs and chatingitos and whatever, everything that's like beach tourist season, a lot of it is still closed in May, depending on the weather, depending on the location of course. But I think some people think like, oh my God, May, it's already getting warm out, blah blah, blah, it's not even really, like that hot yet in May, but literally just in the past week it hit 90 degrees. So now we're like, okay, finally it's summer. It kind of took a minute there, but like we're finally in officially summer weather, so it's finally hot enough for beach time. And like I said, I just want to take advantage of it while Barcelona summer is here. I was supposed to be in Ibiza like literally two days ago for a BZA swim week, but I took a chance because I was not gonna pay. Like, I didn't want to drop like over a thousand euros just for like two days in Abiza. Like, yes, I want to go for sure. But I was like, I'm not about to drop that much money on like a two day trip that I don't know is necessarily going toa bring me that much value in the sense that I'm paying that much money. Am I goingna get an equivalent value in some way? maybe that I would get like a few more cool TikToks and a vlog, but like, I don't think that's going to bring me another €600 back in value. So I was like, you know what, I'm not paying for a hotel. Let me see if I can get a hotel collab. And like, you win some, you lose some. I've learned. Like, what is it Kris Jenner said? Like, you never take no for an answer. You've just spoken to the wrong person, basically. So that can be good advice, but it can also be bad advice. Like, no should be taken for an answer, of course, in some contexts, but I think when you're a woman trying to get ahead in your career, that's where it can apply. Like, and that's what Kris Jenner obviously meant. Like, she told a story about when she was a flight attendant on someone's podcast and like, she wanted the New York la, path. But they were like, oh, no, that's only for senior flight attendants. They can only get that route. You know, after like a lot of years putting in hard work, going to the boring places and it's like, okay, but I don't want to go to like Utah and Oklahoma and like Montana. If I just have business between LA and New York, I want to kill two birds with one stone. I only want to do this route because then it benefits me more than just doing these random routes. So they said no, she couldn't do it. And she was like, well, bet I'm gonna go see why. And so she eventually went to the person's office who's like in charge of managing routes. And she was like, well, can I be please put on the New York LA route? And they were like, no, no, like we can't do that normally. It's for like more senior flight attendants. And she was like, yeah, but why? Like I would really appreciate being put on this flight path. Whatever. It was probably something, I don't know what the conversation was or what exactly she said. But anyways, she got put on that route and it was really like she just had to speak to a few different people. She got a few no's first and eventually she got a yes. So like really, you're just knocking on the wrong door if somebody gives you a no. Like somebody will eventually say yes. So just keep knocking. Just keep sending emails. Like I sent probably 300 emails for Copenhagen last year. I sent probably 300 emails for Miami this year. I didn't get responses. Like I didn't know if I was evennna go to anything, but my emails lended somewhere in someone's inbox and I got put onest guest lists for a few things that I had no idea I was gonna get invites for. And then all of a sudden invites would just pop in my inbox like about 24 hours in advance. And I was like, oh my God. Okay, okay, it's happening, it's ##ing, so you just never know. But this time for Ibiza, maybe it was a bit of a tight squeeze. There wasn't that many people to email because ABEA swim week is only in its second year. And I did get invited, like I spoke to the organizer of Ibizza swim week. Like they gave me an invite, so that was great. But I didn't have a place to stay because also Airbnbs were more expensive than the hotels. And I was like, what? It is peak season though in Ibiza, so I understand that. So it was just a little bit short notice I think. I didn't have really any connections with any hotel staff and Ibiza, so I did send a lot of emails, like probably like 50 emails between follow ups and everything. but I did almost get in with Nobu Hotel, Iizisa Bay. So I'm hoping maybe I can go there in the future. but I understand, like it was just really tight timing and I did check they only had like their most expensive suites available, like€10,000 a night. So I was like, maybe they'll give me that one. No, they didn't, but I kind of understand. So they just didn't have any availability of like, maybe more junior suites to give me? Because I think they typically want to give you a suite so that you can show it off, like in your content, obviously, but like the suite that's for like eight people. I think, yeah, it's fair that they didn't really want to give that to me. So I think I would have been able to work with them if I had maybe had a chance to email them earlier and like get availability in their rooms earlier. so I don't think it's a no forever, but like, I just didn't secure a hotel deal for this time, so that's okay. But, I would have liked to go, but it's okay. So you move on. You keep emailing, you keep knocking on doors and like, eventually someone will say yes and you just need to same as the TikToks. Like the faster you email people, the faster you create good relationships with people, the faster you will get a yes. So just keep pushing, pushing, pushing, introducing yourself. And it gets tiring over time. But I just see myself as like a, Samantha from Sex and City or Sylvie from Emily in Paris. Like u, icons. Icons. Like I just want to be the rich cty aunt. I do, I do. I just want to be like, no kids, rich, successful, everybody knows me. I can go to a random city in a random country and I just like randomly know people there. Like that to me is like so iconic. Like, I know it's just a TV show, but it is true. Like people in certain industries, like, as you get older, you've made so many connections over your life that you just eventually know people, places, and you can just like show up and just be like, hey, I'm in town, let's get together for blah, blah, blah and iconic. I have to say, like, that's not everyone's dream, but my dream is just to like, no people everywhere. I think that's so iconic. So like, it's not the same thing, but like, when Sylvie shows up in Rome and she just has like a little like movie director friend that she's like chatting up with. U icon. so anyways, I think that would be so insane. And you just have to make connections and be kind of iconic in your own way and like really, stick in people's minds because, like, you can meet people, but if they don't remember you, then all your effort is also wasted. So you have to be like a little bit like iconic in your own way so that you really are like, memorable to the people that you meet. So then you kind of have to like work on your own brand and your signature style and like have something specific about you that people are like, oh my God, that's her. I remember that about her. That's my goal in life. What is that, the Riff raff tick or the Riffroff vine where he's like, my goal is to glow up and act like I don't know nobody. Same. But I'm not going toa act like I don't know nobody. I'm go goingna act like I know everybody because I will. Yeah. So anyways, I've just been very much in my like believing in myself. Like anything is possible. Devil Wears Prada. Like I can do anything. And I just, I don't know, like, I just think that's meant for me. I just think that is meant for me. So that's what's been on my mind this month. And I guess like I could talk a little bit about. I think I should do a more like dedicated episode for this. But I think it really pays off to have like a personal brand and it doesn't have to be so specific like Sabrina Carpenter type of personal brand or Taylor Swift type of personal brand where it's like so curated and so celebrity. Like obviously that's not going to be typical or normal for everyone, but even in your tiny daily interactions, I think it is like so important to lead a life of like a little bit of influence even with like just your family members and your co workers in your community that you're in. Like, it doesn't have to be style wise. It could be the way that you act, the way that you speak with people, the way that you make people feel. Like I just watched before I started filming the Royal Court episode with Niey Nash and she was like, I make people feel like they're in the presence of a queen. I remember things about them, I studied their patterns. I bring things to them that remind me of them and they feel so special when they're in my presence and that's part of why they love me so much. And like they want to be around me because I make them feel special. So that's, that's something that could be part of your personal brand is like you and it's something you enjoy. Like you're not forcing it, right? Because then you'll get burnt out and you'll be resentful. But if she genuinely enjoys making people feel seen and then that's kind of like her little quirk that is like oh, my God. People love being around me because I'm, like, so attentive and, like, make them feel really heard and seen. Then that's like, your little thing. Whatever your little thing is. Like, maybe it's, that you're the person that's, like, always down to give them a ride to the airport. Or you're the person that's always down to, like, make a really good meal and bring it over to someone's house for dinner. Or you're the person that always gives, like, the best advice and is always lending a listening ear. Or you're the person that always has the best fashion advice and you're like, the best shopping partner. Like, I don't know what is, like, your little thing that people are like, o, she does the best blank, Bl. Blank. Or she's the best for blank, blank, blank. And it's not always that you're, like, performing for people, but, like, you want to give back to people without expecting anything in return. So, like, what is your, like, little thing? I don't know. I think my little thing is, like, that I'm a very good listener and that I love, like, researching things for people. And I love, like, being super organized and, like, helping people go through tough times in their life and, like, feel more confident about themselves. Because I've gone through it myself. So I, like, I know the struggle. So I don't know. I think that's like, my little thing. But I also just want to be more, like, I don't know. I can't wait to get older. Like, I was talking to Isabelle yesterday on the beach, and I was saying, like, actually, no, on Friday, I was with Isabell and Marlene, and we had, like, a little girl terrace time. That was fun. And I was saying, like, that on Friday, while I was on the way to the terrace to hang out, I was like, I'm just so happy to be 30. I think every year I get better with age. I never feel uglier as I get older. Like, I always feel prettier. I don't care if I technically look older than I was at some point. Like, I always feel prettier. So then I. I just don't feel scared to age. Like, I feel so much more confident and happy with each year that I get older. And I was thinking, like, even when people say that they, like, miss being a kid or they miss being in high school, I'm like, cannot relate. Like, I hated being a kid. I'm like, being a kid sucks. Like, everyone tells you what to do. You have no autonomy. You don't know anything. You're, like, begging for life experience. You want to be older so bad. And I do miss, like, some of the carefreeness that I had as a child, but I don't know that I was ever that carefree. I think I was like, severely anxious and had, like, severe hyper awareness ever since I was born. So I don't ever feel that I was ever truly carefree, which is actually really sad. But as a kid, I was always, like, extremely hyper aware and so scared of accidentally embarrassing myself by doing something from being clumsy or by saying the wrong thing or by doing something that's not socially acceptable. Because I felt like I was missing out on, like, some crucial, secret piece of information that like, everyone else somehow knew. And I was like, what? Like, I feel like maybe I'm missing something. Like, why are people laughing at certain things that I don't think are funny? And then like, I don't know, like, not even that. It's that I didn't have social skills. Cause I did. But I was just like, side eyeing people a lot. Like, this is how y'all socialize. Like, okay. But then I was just like, uniquely aware that I was not the same as a lot of the other kids. So I was like, okay, I've got toa keep an eye out for like, what I'm doing. Cause clearly I've gotta, like, assimilate myself somehow. And the people in my, classes are not always, like, the same as me. Like, I would always be super thoughtful in, thinking of other people, and I would never want to make fun of them. And then people would just like, kids are mean. And I was like, I just want't be that same level of mean to the other kids. Like, I feel like they were all kind of rude and mean and like, poking fun. And I was just like, but that makes you feel sad. So if it makes you feel sad, why would you do that? Like, I was so. I feel like I was so naive and pure. Just like, why would you do that though? That's like, kind of mean. So I don't know. I feel like ever since I was a kid, I was just like, not feeling confident in myself and feeling like I was just missing out on some sort of experience or information. So as an adult, I'm like, dude, now I know that people are just like that. Maybe they just. Their parents raise them like that. Maybe. I honestly think that I think I'm neurodivergent. Well, I know. I guess is OCD considered Neurodivergent, but I don't think I'm autistic. But I do know that I have ocd. And so some sort of anxiety and OCD has made me neurodivergent in that way. And so I'm like. I feel like all the people who are quote unquote, neurotypical are actually the weirdos, to be completely honest. Because a lot of the ways that they were raised and that they would act, I would just be like, who the fuck raised you? Like, well, what are we doing here? And I always thought that I was doing something wrong, though. Like, I always assumed and defaulted that I was always wrong. And then getting older and learning more about life and learning about how people just act that way sometimes, they're not always acting the best. Like, they're just maybe like, humans are human, whatever. So then the more you get older, you just learn things. And, like, I just feel like I've had so many weights lifted off my shoulder that were..d there because of my own mind, because of society, because of whatever. Just growing up and you just, like, assume certain things and take things on. But as I get older, I feel like every year I get to, like, lift a new weight off my shoulder, and I'm like, ugh. Getting older is, like, the best. I remember when I was, like, 11, and I would just watch, like, all the cool, like, teenage girls on the big shows and, like, or on, like, big, like, TV shows where they got to be, like, older, like the Kardashians or, like, Paris Hilton. And I was like, I, like, I would, like, cry. Like, I can't wait to be a cool, big girl. Like, I can't wait. And now I feel like I'm in that age, and I'm like, I am the cool, big girl. Like, I love being an adult. I love making my own money. I love doing whatever I want to do, wearing whatever I want to wear. Like, going wherever I want to go. As a kid, you don't get to make any of your choices. You have to go to school, you have to do whatever extracurriculars you end up signing up for if you're lucky enough to do them. Like, you don't get to make any choices for yourself. You don't know things yet. It's just being a kid is tough. So I don't know why I just went on a rant about being a kid. But I love being an adult. I love being an adult. Of course, there's, like, certain things that come with being an adult that kind of suck, but the autonomy is priceless to me. Being independent and being able to do whatever I want to do without anyone telling me what'to do is like, the freedom that it gives me. Like, being an adult with money and then taking Lexapro. Holy shit. It's like the holy trinity. I love being an adult. So I'm also, like, grappling with myself. Like, okay, I kind of want to get more Botox, but then I don't. I kind of want to get more lip filler, but then I don't. I kind of want to get a facelift, but then I don't because I'm, like, grappling with this. Like, I want to age by myself how I look, but I also am scared to age. So that's my most recent, like, inner. Inner U. what do they call that? Inner? Whatever. The struggle in my mind that I've been having recently that I'm like, oh, my God, I appreciate seeing women who age so naturally. But then I'm like, yeah, but I don't really like the signs of aging that I'm seeing that I've. I've not liked on my face since I was, like, literally 15. Like, mostly like, my under eyes bothered out of me, and I wantna do something about it, but then I'm like, oh, but do I? Because what if I f up and I would rather age the way I was already aging. Like, I've heard the rule of thumb when you get, like, cosmetic surgery or like, any kind of more severe cosmetic procedure is like, you have to be happy with the botched version of you more than you're happy with the current version of you because you can't necessarily be guaranteed an ideal result. So the best case scenario is that you are so deeply unhappy with whatever you have that you would even be okay with, like, basically, like, a sort of botched version of the procedure, because it can be botched a lot of the time. Have you seen the show? Botched? A lot of people get botched. So, like, I'm just not sure that I'm willing to give up my current face for a botched version if something were to go wrong. So then I'm like, I. And if I'm really, like, against the patriarchy, I should be against fully changing your face just to fit into society to look more beautiful. But then you go back and there is an argument to be said like, yeah, but looking more beautiful unfortunately, does get you farther ahead in society. It's just the way it is. So then am I Like sacrificing certain opportunities by not conforming o it is an exhausting conundrum. That's the word I was looking for. An exhausting conundrum to just be bouncing around in my head and then by just the fact that it is a conundrum in my head is already like the sad part. So anyways, I would just like to say shout out to all the older baddies that exist and post themselves online because I follow some super hot baddies that are like 60, 70 on tik took and they make me not scared to age. So I am just excited to get older with every year to like age like fine wine, even though sometimes white people age like milk. So maybe I'll age like a little bit of a milky wine. That's my point. I mean, and then me going in the sun, not really helping my case. But anyways, so I just wanted to say that I really appreciate being an adult and I think if anyone is listening to this and they're feeling like, subconscious about aging or like that they're running out of time to do certain things in their life. No you're not. Like so many people even have a new chapter of their life where they have like a totally new career, a totally new life, even at like 60 or 70. So just think about that. I'm 30, and if I'm going to be 60, I have to repeat my entire life since I was born out of the womb again to get to 60. That's insane when you think about it, because it's like, whoa, think back to when I was five. That's 25 years ago. And that feels like a really, really, really long time ago. So like, you have time, you have time to do what you want to do. But just like, like I said, just like knock on doors, like get excited about like meeting people. I think like another thing I've been thinking of is since COVID like, I get it, I get it, guys. I was basically straight up agoraphobic for like a good two and a half years. So I get it. But moving to Spain really did help me like break out of that fear. and, and the stress of socializing. And it is like a muscle that you have to work. because the more that you sit inside working from home, resting, sleeping because you feel exhausted. I get it. But also it's like a muscle that you have to work. So if you just like let that muscle atrophy, it's going toa be really hard to go and socialize again. So you need to just push through the uncomfortable feeling and go socialize a little bit. Like, go to a sing. A singles night. There's, an app called Thursday Dating. They've been starting in Barcelona, Miami, Arizona. I think they have a lot more locations in the US Now. I know it started in the uk, but it's kind of kicking off in the US So, like, we've all been begging for alternatives of meeting people not on the apps. There you go. Try a Thursday dating evening. try just like, going to a cocktail bar at a hotel in your area and just, like, meeting who's there. I love having, like, a fun conversation over a drink with, like, a random stranger and just, like, seeing where they're from. And it's not always the most fun conversation. Like, it is definitely a roulette. Like, you might meet a weirdo, but then you just learn your boundaries, cut off the conversation politely and move on your way. Like, you don't have to force yourself to be in an uncomfortable situation if you don't like it. But you never know who you meet. Like, what. Who was saying? Like, I just watched an interview with Tyler, the creator, and he was speaking with someone who. He found their product online, and it was, like, super niche. He just, like, randomly found it and was like, oh, my God, this guy is doing really cool stuff. Why doesn't he have more attention? And Tyler, the creator was saying, like, you have no idea who's watching. So it just takes the right person coming along and, like, giving you maybe that step up that you needed. but you have to be ready. Like, when that person comes along or when that meeting comes along or that viral video comes along. Like, you have to be ready to, like, jump up and take the next step. So that's what Tyler was saying is he's like, this guy was creating and creating and pushing through, and he didn't even have that many eyes on him. But his work was really cool. So Tyler the creator was like, let me give him that boost because I really appreciate his work. Like, let me give him a shout out. Let me promote his product a little bit. Cause I really think, like, what he's doing is cool. So you never know when your version of Tyler the creator could just come around and be like, oh, my God, I think what you're doing is really cool. Like, let me connect you to this person or let me promote you here, or, you know, whatever it is. So there's just abundant opportunity. Just don't get too sad about things, okay? Socialize with people you never know who you can meet. Just don't get stuck inside becausee I do that really easily. And then I get fed up because I'm like, I want to go socialize with people even though I'm tired. Like, if I really was picking what I wanted to do most of the time, I, do want to stay in my bed. But it's like going to volleyball practice. You're like, oh, I don't want to go to practice. I don't want to go. But then once you're there, you're like, okay, Actually, volleyball is kind of fun. I remember why I play it. You know what I mean? It's like one of those things where it's like, you're leaving and you're like, oh, it's uncomfortable. Don't. I don't know anyone. I don't want to speak to a stranger. It's so awkward. It's like the same small talk all the time, blah, blah, blah. But, like, it gets fun. Like, once you get more creative with, like, your conversation skills, it's actually really fun. And once you get stronger with your boundaries and your confidence, you don't feel stuck in certain situations, like, uncomfortable situations. Like, you can just dismiss yourself and, like, it's fine. m. Like, what the drama that was between Doja Cat and that guy. Did you guys see that? It was, like, all over the Internet this week. But it's like, Doja is the perfect example of, like, girl. Okay, first of all, understand there's a lot of nuance here. The guy was a fan, met her at a bar. He went to go say hi to her. Then he was, like, low key, trying to get her to promote his product, even though she was saying, like, oh, my God, I love your shirt. Like, yeah, I want one right now. Blah, blah, blah. She was being really bad at boundary setting. Doja Cat, great example of somebody who needs to set boundaries better in person. I get that it's different with the dynamic of her being a celebrity and the guy being a fan, but, like, she needs to work on boundary setting because if she had really firm boundaries in the beginning, set them politely with the fan, it would have been. There wouldn't have been an issue. If the fan had been better at learning his own boundaries and not overstepping and making someone visibly uncomfortable, it could have been a great interaction. But specifically on dojo side, I have to learn this too, because sometimes you just kind of like, freeze and you. You just want the interaction to be over as fast as you can so then you kind of, like, fond whoever is speaking with you to just, like, appease them and, like, hurry up and finish the conversation. But then Doja freaked out on Twitter afterwards, and she was like, I threw away that musty T shirt. Anyway. Okay, Doja, now you're lashing out because you didn't hold your boundaries well, and you're feeling resentful. This could all have been avoided if you just held your boundaries. So, anyway, I know this is a bit of a ramble, but it's just to say I love getting older, and I love, like, the world is full of opportunities, and I just think that you guys should really go for your dreams. And my dream this month is Tik Tok, so I hope this was helpful. I'll be back next week with another episode, and until then, hope you guys have a great week. Bye.