Conflict - An Opportunity To Teach

In this heartwarming and insightful episode, clinical social workers Kristina and Heather explore the transformative power of conflict in preschool settings. They share how conflicts can be powerful learning opportunities, offering children a chance to develop essential skills like emotional regulation, communication, and problem-solving. Instead of seeing conflicts as problems to solve, they encourage a mindset shift—viewing these moments as chances to guide children in expressing their feelings, identifying their needs, and practicing resolution strategies. With a focus on calmness, empathy, and patience, Kristina and Heather explain how adults can create a nurturing environment that supports growth and emotional development. 

Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood is recorded and edited by Dave Purnell and produced by Jen Plante Johnson for the ODC Network in Holland, Michigan.

The ODC Network is a non-profit organization that strives to advance outdoor education and conservation in West Michigan.

Since 2000, The ODC Network has served over a million people through hands-on, outdoor learning experiences and conserved thousands of acres of native habitat through restoration and preservation projects.

The ODC Network’s vision is building a better community by connecting people, land and nature. To learn more and get involved go to: www.odcnetwork.org.

Transcript

Kristina  00:00

Today, we're diving into a topic that can make a big difference in how we approach conflict with young children, viewing conflict not as a problem to solve, but as an opportunity to teach. 

Heather  00:12

That's right. In our preschool settings, we often see conflict arise, and it's important to remember that children aren't misbehaving. Rather, they're lacking certain skills to manage their feelings or navigate tricky situations.Instead of resolving the conflict, we have the chance to teach them some valuable skills. 

Kristina  00:33

Exactly. Children's behaviors often come from lagging skills, whether it's emotional regulation, communication or problem solving. That's why self esteem, connection and understanding are so essential in these moments. It's about guiding them through the learning process, not just fixing the situation.

Heather  00:33

Absolutely. So instead of jumping in too quickly to help resolve everything right away, we can support kids in expressing their feelings, identifying their needs and practicing conflict resolution. It's about giving them the tools to handle these situations on their own in the future.

Kristina  01:13

And let's not forget our role as adults in these situations. Calmness and empathy are key when we approach conflict with a sense of patience and understanding, we help children feel safe and supported, which makes learning these skills even more effective. 

Heather  01:30

We're excited to explore all of this with you today and to share some strategies for turning conflict into powerful learning moments for our kids.

Heather  

Welcome to Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood.

Kristina

A podcast where we explore the struggles and challenges we all face as parents. We'll share ideas and offer tips and strategies for raising happy, healthy children. My name's Kristina Boersma

Heather

And I'm Heather Bouwman. Kristina and I are clinical social workers who've been working with families and children for a good long minute. We're Support Service Directors for the Early Childhood Network of ODC Network in Holland, Michigan. And we get to support parents and children as they navigate the tricky terrain of raising children and growing up in today's world.

Kristina

We're here to help unpack the hard stuff and connect with the joy of parenting. 

Heather

Are you ready? 

Kristina and Heather

Let's hit the trails.

Heather  

This project is made possible by the ODC Network, an amazing nonprofit organization based in Holland, Michigan, where we get to work supporting preschool aged students, their teachers and their parents.

Kristina  

The ODC Network is all about nurturing the community and the next generation through a wide variety of innovative nature-based initiatives.

Heather  

Please visit www. ODCNetwork.org to learn more about the ODC Network's mission and impact.

Heather  03:03

Kristina, in our preschool world, we view conflict as an opportunity to teach. 

Kristina  03:10

Amen.

Heather  03:11

It's quite different. It really requires a mind shift. You and I, both, I think, had our own journey with this conflict as an opportunity to teach. We knew a lot about problem solving and conflict resolution. But the way that we do it in our preschool world is a bit different than even you and I were used to. And we're going to unpack that today, because people come into our preschool setting and are kind of mesmerized, I would say, by the language. And they're like, what they've even said to me, like, what is that language that you're using? And really it isn't a language per se. It's a philosophy or it's a mind shift. It's really a lens change of being able to look at conflict not as something to win, not as something to simply solve, but to teach skills right. And we believe very strongly that children want to do well. They want to do well. They want to meet expectations when they can. And if they don't, it's lagging skills, 

Kristina  04:25

Right. Because they do well when they can. And so if they aren't doing well, then it means that they don't have the skill to be able to meet the expectation that has been set for them. So then we get to teach them. Yeah, you know, Igrew up, many of us did with if there's a conflict, you just separate, right? Like those two can't get along. Put them in different classes. You don't get along with Uncle Tony. So when we get together, we're putting them at opposite ends of the table. We're going to kind of orchestrate their movements so they don't have to come together. Or, if you have conflict, the relationship is just over. 

Heather  05:04

Yes.

Kristina  05:04

We're not going to use that conflict as an opportunity to grow and to grow closer in our understanding of each other, right? And to use that time to, instead of stepping away, leaning into and saying, How can I better understand 

Heather  05:21

Absolutely. And what we know is that children have a higher self esteem when they're better prepared to manage stress, to manage failure or adversity, rejection, and they have more self control. So we want our kids to be able to hold that higher self esteem. We want to build that within them. And the research shows that a little one's self esteem grows from feeling capable and feeling connected and feeling understood. Capable, because that's their initiative, right? That is their developmental phase. That's right, where they're at in our preschool age. They want to show initiative. They want to know they can lead. They want to test the waters. Connected to primary caregivers, right? It's our foundations, it's attachment, it's connection, it's all of that. And then being understood is the belonging that we talk about so often that our kids need to feel like they belong. They need to see themselves within us.

Kristina  06:33

nd they need to really feel and believe that they're important.

Heather  06:36

They're accepted-

Kristina  06:37

they're significant-

Heather  06:38

And that they're valued.They're valued. Absolutely. 

Kristina  06:44

You know, anybody that says you work in a preschool? I mean, like, seriously, what do you just- 

Heather  06:48

You're a preschool social worker? Do they even need those? 

Kristina  06:50

Social workers? Yes, yes. The most critical time in life is birth to five. 

Kristina  06:55

Yeah.

Heather  06:55

Yeah. Well, I say all the time. We really need them because we're building the foundational skills in these children that will last them the next 80 years of their life. 

Kristina  07:05

And one of the things that I love about talking about conflict and how we use that as a teaching tool is, first of all, most people don't do it. And secondly, I will look at those children in the preschool, our kiddos, and say, holy moly, they have more skills than lots of grown ups. Because the grown ups were never taught.

Heather  07:25

Well, and we just received our family feedback, right? We always send that out after our first round of parent teacher conferences. And how many times didn't we hear My child is teaching us how to manage conflict.

Heather  07:38

yes,

Kristina  07:39

Siblings and grown ups. 

Heather  07:41

Yes, powerful. So talk to us, Kristina, about how we approach kids just in our day to day, and how our teachers walk kids through conflict. Because here's the thing: conflict is everywhere, whether you're child or adult, right? It's ever present because it's a human thing. It's not a child or adult thing. It's a human thing, right? We won't always agree on everything. Conflict is inevitable. It will happen. 

Kristina  08:15

I had a quote in my office, and now I can't remember who it's by. That's my memory. But the quote is: conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. And that was a really important thing for me to always remember and to communicate to others. Yes, conflict is part of human nature.

Heather  08:38

And so many of us were taught to fight, because it's something to win, right? Lay down the armor. We'd have a conversation. Yeah, we don't need to armor up. 

Kristina  08:49

It's the whole movement of restorative practices and saying: we can have really intense conflict. It can have moved into combat. And yet we can, by the way we approach it, by the way that we show up, by the things that we're willing to engage in, in conversation and being vulnerable and brave, we can actually grow through conflict.

Heather  09:16

And we start that very, very young, because there's always going to be something that another child wants. It couldbe a shovel, it could be a dump truck, it could be their turn. It could be a variety of different things. But the thing that's always the commonality is our teachers don't rush the children. They watch and see how much they can manage on their own, right? Developmental phase initiative. So they'll watch, and then they will decide when is the time to move in and to support. 

Kristina  09:51

And here's what's so different: it's the support. They don't move in and say, Hey, you give him that shovel. You've been having it enough. Or You may have that for two more minutes, and then you're going to give it to Johnny, or any of those kinds of things. They go in and support. And the way they support is through teaching the skills of: how do you acknowledge what you're feeling, communicate what you're needing, and receive what the other is communicating as well. 

Heather  10:22

And so it sounds like: Little Kristina, something has happened. You seem really upset. Tell me. Tell me what's happened. 

Kristina  10:33

I'm so mad. I was building this big, huge castle, and she came over and she just smooshed it, she crushed it. She destroyed it. 

Heather  10:41

Oh, I hear that That's so frustrating. You worked really hard on that.

Kristina  10:47

She's mean, yeah.

Heather  10:49

I wonder what was happening that she did that? I wonder if she knew that you didn't want it crushed?

Kristina  10:55

 I think she's just mean. She just likes to break stuff.

Heather  10:58

It sounds like you need a hug. Would you like a hug? 

Kristina  11:01

Heck yeah, I want a hug. But the truth is, most of the time the children do really want to hug.

Heather  11:13

Yes, they absolutely want a hug. And so we'll hug, and then I'll say, Would you like to rebuild your castle, or should we go talk to so and so? Are you ready to talk to so and so? Did you like that? 

Kristina  11:30

I just wanted to pull out what you had said when you asked the child whose castle had been destroyed, Little Kristina, when you asked her if she wanted to rebuild the castle or if she wanted to go talk to the child who had come over to destroy it, you didn't say We're going to go talk to Penelope...

Heather  11:47

No, because that removes initiative.

Kristina  11:50

Right. And Little Kristina might not be ready, right? Talk to Penelope, and Penelope may not be ready to talk to little Kristina. So we don't say, Hey, you get over here. You apologize. Say you're sorry for knocking down our castle.That's not how you teach the child skills for how to manage when things like this happen.

Heather  12:09

No. And what that teaches is empty apologizing. And then we have kids just kind of doing yucky things-

Kristina  12:15

Sorry!

Heather  12:16

And giving really inauthentic apologies. At this developmental age, they cannot understand the concept of I'm sorry.

Kristina  12:26

And they haven't been able to connect to how their behavior or their actions impacted another person and having any kind of ownership over the fact that we do impact the world around us when we make choices, when we speak and when we behave.

Heather  12:43

So you said something really important there, Kristina, and that was that we just don't want to rush kids to apologize. And the reason we don't do that is because, for the kids that we work with, the littles, right, the preschoolers, they don't have the cognition and perhaps the empathy to understand. They just were running by most times, right? An impulse action, oh, there's something. I'm gonna kick it, cause and effect. That's where they're at. They don't have the understanding to be like, Oh, they didn't see that someone took a long time to build that. They don't have any meaning connected to that right? And they don't have any meaning connected to those feelings of that other child, right? And so we don't demand those apologies, because they're not going to get us to a place of authenticity or understanding, right? 

Kristina  13:36

And that's true for our littles. But even as they grow, if children aren't taught this when they're younger, they aren't able to access the fact that the things that they do and the things that they say and the ways they behave impact the world around them-

Heather  13:52

Because they're egocentric-

Kristina  13:53

Right. And so beginning that process of taking ownership, of recognizing what has the consequence been when that happened in the world because of how I chose to behave.

Heather  14:05

Right. It's being able to say every action has a consequence, positive or negative, there's a consequence. And the natural consequence of that action was, Oh, we have a friend within our community who's real upset because they invested time and effort. And it's not the other child's responsibility to go make that offender feel better about that, once they have the realization. So our teachers do a beautiful job of not rushing kids on either side, victim or offender,

Kristina  14:41

Right. Because when you do, you short change the process of learning the skills, and then you've really kind of lost that opportunity to teach and to help support their growth of the skills. So what our teachers do instead is they come in with noticing, right? You came to little Kristina, and you said Oh, something's happened. 

Heather  15:02

You seem

Kristina  15:03

You seem - and you fill in however they seem. Now, if you say to a child, you seem upset, and they say, No, I'm mad. 

Heather  15:12

You go with that-

Kristina  15:13

Right. They correct you if you've got it wrong, or if you stayed in a way that isn't exactly how they would. 

Heather  15:19

It might be synonymous - angry, mad, right? Doesn't matter, you don't know. 

Kristina  15:23

But they're going to tell you how they feel, and then you connect with that feeling, right? All kinds of empathy about it. And then we can move into things like saying, Oh, you were hoping that your castle wouldn't be knocked over. You worked really hard on that. Yeah. That's what you were hoping for. 

Kristina  15:43

Yeah. So that-

Heather  15:43

Yeah, I was.

Heather  15:45

I'm really upset-

Kristina  15:46

Yeah. Do you need a hug?

Heather  15:47

Yeah. 

Kristina  15:48

So, you know, give that hug and then the offer of, Would you like to rebuild it? I'm happy to be here with you while you rebuild it. Or are you ready to go talk to Penelope, who came by and crushed your-

Heather  16:01

Yeah, I want her to know I didn't like it. 

Kristina  16:03

Okay, well, then let's go tell her, okay?  So then we go over to Penelope and ask Penelope, Are you ready to talk about what happened with the castle? Penelope gets to decide if she's ready or not. If Penelope is not ready, we give her more space. We do make sure we circle back around right? Because we're going to bring closure to that conflict. But if Penelope is not quite ready-

Heather  16:28

And what I do is usually say Little Kristina has something she'd like to say to you. Is this a good time for you? 

Kristina  16:35

Yeah. And because some children carry really high levels of like shame and guilt, and they're afraid they're going to be in trouble, they may not be ready. The more they practice this, they understand it's a conversation. So Penelope says, Yeah, I have time for this, and we would prompt little Kristina again to say, Tell Penelope, did you like it when Penelope came and-

Heather  16:58

No, I didn't like it when you ran by and knocked over my castle. And sometimes it sounds like this (quietly) No, I didn't like it you ran by. And in those moments, we say, Oh, match my voice. And then we say it out loud. And then they look at us, and I'll say, Use your big voice. Match my voice. And then they'll try to look at us, and I'll say, Oh, look at Penelope. Tell her.

Kristina  17:26

Yes. And so then Kristina, Little Kristina says, Penelope, I didn't like it. When you knocked down my castle. I worked really hard on it. And that was, that was mean.

Heather  17:38

Penelope, what did you hear Little Kristina say? he didn't like it when I ran past and knocked over her castle. Right? Is that right? Little Kristina? 

Kristina  17:48

Yeah. That's right. Now maybe Penelope says, She said, I mean, and that's all that she heard. And then we go back to Little Kristina and say, Little Kristina, did you like it when she did that? No. And then our next question is, What would you like her to do next time?

Heather  18:06

I want her to go around it or ask me first if she can kick it over. 

Kristina  18:15

And then we practice. 

Heather  18:17

And Penelope has to say, what did you-

Kristina  18:19

Yeah, what did you hear Little Kristina saying? And Penelope says She wants me to go around next time. And then we say, Okay, let's practice. 

Heather  18:28

And we usually Great job! You guys did great. Let's go practice. And then they usually take off and do it together. And then it's oftentimes unprompted. Do you want to help me build it? And off they go. And that, my friends, is the beauty of children.

Kristina  18:45

And teaching them how to do it. 

Heather  18:48

They're so forgiving. They're so compassionate. They're so lovely. Oh, we could learn so much from them.

Kristina  18:58

Yeah. And in a scenario, if it goes differently, we could say to Penelope, So that castle got broken, right? You chose to break that castle. So how can we make that better? How can we fix it? 

Heather  19:12

Sometimes, Penelope is a reoffender. Right? And so then this is where the scaffolded skill building comes in and I will say to a parent, so we've noticed that this is a reoccurring thing - impulse action. Impulse action. Some kids, for whatever reason, we don't know, doesn't really matter. They just have to connect, right? They have to connect with something as they're going through space. And so in this instance, I have worked with the kids who just have to connect. And so it could be that we get parent permission then, and I give some real, specific advice on how we work through things at home, same things we would. At school, right? This is how we work through it here. But then I will work with those kids in isolation, and say, You're going to build a castle or a tower or whatever it might be, and I'm going to knock it over. And they look at me like, I have three heads, like, But Miss Heather, you're so nice. Yeah, but I want to teach you. Because that's a child who's having trouble number one with impulse-action- pause. They're having trouble with pause. And they're having trouble understanding what it feels like. So we have to put them in the shoes in a very safe environment outside of their peers. 

Kristina  20:43

They know what's going to happen. 

Heather  20:45

They know what's going to happen. And we're going to practice, and I'm going to say it's going to be really hard, but I'm here. I've got you. First time I did this with a little one, he looked at me and just cried, and I said, I know it's so hard, isn't it, we're going to rebuild it again. Do you need a hug? And let's build it again. Yeah, I'm gonna knock it down. It's okay. Take a deep breath.

Kristina  21:08

And sometimes those are the kids, not necessarily, who knock down other people's things. Sometimes it could be a child that when something happens to their things, they react in a way that's really kind of violent, right? 

Heather  21:21

Destructive.

Kristina  21:22

Yeah. They whack. They pinch. They, you know, they do all those kinds of things like, Okay, so we're gonna work with that feeling and what other things we can do. And then we practice it. And we give them the opportunity to practice what they're gonna say, what they're gonna do, because if they don't have that skill, and we never teach them how to do it in a safe environment, they aren't gonna magically know how to do it the next time somebody comes and knocks their stuff over.

Heather  21:50

And it's being able to teach it and then understand it doesn't change overnight. It doesn't go from unacceptable behavior to perfection just because we taught it once. It requires practice, practice, practice, practice, and recognition of the smallest growth, right? We have... We use mini metal shovels. The head of it is metal, right? And all of a sudden, we've all been there, that shovel goes in the air, and we know what's going to happen. It's going to make an impact on something. And so it's Shovels stay to the ground. You're angry. Yeah. Shovels stay to the ground. Stomp your feet. Clap your hands. And I'll say to kids, say I'm angry. That made me angry, and they can shout it, it's okay, because it's very real in how they're feeling. And once they get that out, and they realize, and sometimes it's being able to say to them, It is okay, because that's tremendous growth from the shovel is going to come down and make contact with something or someone.

Kristina  23:02

 Right. Yep, and it's giving them alternative behaviors that are safe.

Heather  23:08

Right. Because kids don't recognize Don't hit your friend with a shovel. They don't hear the don't. They hear Hit your friend with a shovel. It's how their brains work.

Kristina  23:19

Because you're giving them the action, and they're responding to the action that you're giving them, not the qualifier of don't.

Heather  23:26

Rather than drop the shovel, stomp your feet. The anger's got ya.

Kristina  23:33

So instead of telling them what not to do, we're telling them what to do. It's much, much more effective. 

Heather  23:39

Effective. Yes. 

Kristina  23:41

Hey, listeners, we're so grateful to be part of your village. If these conversations and episodes have been impactful to you, we deeply appreciate your support to continue doing the work we love so much for such an amazing non profit organization. Please visit www.GearUp-podcast.com to make a tax deductible contribution. Thank you. So another thing that I want to make sure that we share, Heather, is: what do you do when the children are making choices. They're not going to cooperate. And so what do you do in that kind of situation?

Heather  24:23

What we do is we give them a choice, because there are things that kids just can be oppositional about. And so it's a boundary, really. Those choices are going to hem in that boundary for them so they know exactly what they can do. And what that sounds like - and we'll drop this in the show notes. We'll drop the scripts in there for you tosee. You have a choice. You can choose to take the shovel and put it where it goes and head to stump circle, or you can choose to stick by my side and walk with me. And we'll clean up two things. What's best for you? And then they might take off. They might ignore. And then what we do is we go and we take the hand and say, I can see by your actions, you're choosing to stay by my side. And we're going to clean up together. Because that's the boundary. Because those children, when you give the choice and they ignore. They walk away. Perhaps they run away. That's a strategy, and we just need to captain the ship of that. Right? We need to bring it back in order.We need to set the boundary. You've made the choice. I can see by your actions, this is your choice. And then they might go back and say, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna clean up the shovel, or whatever it might have been. Oh, let's see if you can do that. I'm gonna watch you go see if you can get that shovel. Because sometimes with us, it's so tricky, we don't know at home, right, what they're met with, or how they're parented, right? So sometimes they're just like, oh, there's Miss Heather again. She's gonna hold me to it. Yep, I am. And then they are able to do it and get to their stump circle or whatever it might be. But in our homes, we can do those very same things. You give a choice.

Kristina  26:15

And then we need to remain in charge. Yes, not in control. Can't control another person.

Heather  26:19

Yes, but in charge. Calmly, assertively, in charge. As parents, I think sometimes we tell what not to do, and we never give the options of what to do. And then kids are left not knowing. We know, yeah, but we don't verbalize that.

Kristina  26:35

Right. We also teach the skills of taking a deep breath, right? And being able to have that calm before you act. So that's also another part of the skill building. But back to these conflicts. When conflicts occur, our natural inclination is to separate. We want to go back to saying, Nope. We want to lean in and say, How can we help each child learn to communicate receptively, right? How to receive communication, and how to express what they're thinking, feeling and what they need. And we do that in that very simple process. You were hoping, right? And what are you wanting them to do next? And then we practice right and say, did you like it? I didn't like it. No, what are you hoping they'll do next? Tell them.

Heather  27:24

And with, sometimes the re-offenders or the kids that get physical, it's being able to say You may not hit when you want the shovel. Say, I want a turn with the shovel. I've gone in and, you know, brought little arms down. I won't let you hit, right? I'm here to keep you safe. It's your job to help keep it safe all of these types of things, but then building those skills and not rushing kids through them, right? And that, I think, is the piece that a lot of people just want to move too quickly, and you never get to the heart of the issue. And kids feel misunderstood, and the frustration grows.

Kristina  28:05

And they never learn the skill, the skill to manage, right? So it can be, you know, a child is really upset and they're hitting, and you say, It's my job to keep you safe. We do not hit here. We can do it in our own homes, right? This is a safe place. We do not need each other here, our property, our personhood, right? Our feelings are safe in this place. I won't let you do that. And  then we can continue with the you were hoping for. Yes, right? So how can we do that differently? Let's practice and being there to support them through it. You're not a bad kid. No.

Heather  28:40

Not a bad family. 

Kristina  28:41

No, none of it. You just didn't have the skills to do it. So we're gonna teach you the skills, because they don't just magically appear.

Heather  28:50

And you and I, we love the toughies. 

Kristina  28:52

Oh, we love them. 

Heather  28:54

They grab our hearts right away. 

Kristina  28:55

Oh, yeah, yeah. And the thing with the kiddos who are trickier and who maybe have a slower trajectory for you know, really being able to embody that new skill. They just really call us to be better. 

Heather  29:13

They absolutely do. We say this all the time: kids with complex behaviors, with the intense growth areas - and we saw this a lot post COVID, after lockdown, it was a preschool world like none other that I had ever seen, right? And they called us to be better. We had to be better. We had to be patient. We had to meet each and every one of them, where they were at which was far less skilled than we had ever seen kids before. 

Kristina  29:48

And those kids who have complex behaviors like you were talking about, they nudge us to be better. But in the midst of working with those children, and if they're our children right, we can feel super unprepared 

Heather  30:02

And ineffective 

Kristina  30:03

And ineffective. And that feels lousy.

Heather  30:07

And it's so how kids feel all the time, right? They're growing and stretching. It's just that we as adults have forgotten how that feels.

Kristina  30:15

The discomfort of it. 

Heather  30:17

You talked about how we used to just isolate and separate. 

Kristina  30:21

Oh, right. 

Heather  30:21

Like in childhood, I remember my mom saying, I'm gonna lock you in a room in the basement and like, you're just gonna duke it out until one of you is upright and one of you isn't.  Probably not sage parenting advice. No,

Kristina  30:33

Do you remember this, where there was a period of time where people would buy, like, an extra large T shirt, 

Heather  30:36

Yes, and put them together and you were gonna wear the cooperation t shirt. 

Kristina  30:40

Yeah, 

Heather  30:41

That's what I was going to say like that's the pendulum. Like we've gone from isolate and separate, right, to be in a huge t shirt together and figure it out!

Kristina  30:52

Right. But in neither of those situations do we teach the child a skill.

Heather  30:57

No, but they're probably happier and more prone to hysteria when they're in the t shirt together trying to make it through the house or the home or whatever they're doing. 

Kristina  31:07

They may have to learn how to cooperate. It doesn't necessarily make them better at managing conflict. Yeah, right, which is what we want to help teach kids. And as they get older, you know, some of the questions that we can ask in the midst of that are, you know, what's important for Kristina to know about what you chose to do Penelope? What's important for Penelope to know about Kristina, how you were feeling and having them really trying to orchestrate this conversation of communication back and forth about what's really important, what we really were thinking, and how something really impacted us.

Heather  31:46

And I loved when you talked about, like, in our preschool world, we talk about, We keep it safe here, but you do that in your home as well. And all of that work goes right back to your foundations. You know, what are the things we allow? Like this is a place of safety. We all need to trust that. What does that mean? What does it look like? It's drawing it all back to that in your home as you work through conflict with your kids, and it goes back to what we model. How do we manage conflict in front of our kids? Same thing, yep, we're going to engage in that, right?

Kristina  32:21

And the first thing we focus on always is safety, because nobody can learn a skill or be their best selves when they're not feeling safe, right? So within our own homes and within the preschools, we focus on safety belonging, Yep, exactly. And then once that's established, we can move forward with working through and helping them work through whatever the conflict was. 

Heather  32:45

Yes, the kids with the challenging behaviors push us to be better. And in the midst of it, it can also feel like we're highly ineffective, and that is true for parents as well. Yes, I think we can think we're the only ones dealing with that. We're the only ones whose kids are just at each other's throats. Yeah, we're not. No everybody's working on something.

Kristina  33:14

Yup. And when we live together, sometimes our tempers can get short and we can be bugged by different things. 

Heather  33:22

And this is temperament too, right? This is my Zack and my Ava, who are the same temperament. They're very much alike, and they know how to throw a line to one another and get the other one to bite. Yep. They know how to do it, and to be able to call that out and say, That's not kind, right? Do not throw a line if you've got something on your mind. Let's talk about that, but let's not bait each other in.

Kristina  33:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because we're not gonna get your best self showing up. No. 

Heather  33:53

And it's my husband and Zack, who, like I've said before, will posture with grace and Vince and the Pooh Bears. Yeah, it's this posturing. It's not pretty at two. It's not pretty at 22.

Kristina  34:04

Nope. It's not no and and one of the things again, just as a parent, we are all continually needing to learn and grow, learn new skills ourself, to help our children and no matter what they may be struggling with or what we may be struggling with, we want our children to know they are loved, they are valued, they are supported, and that they are very important to the family, to their school community, right, that they belong, regardless of how tricky their behavior may be at our preschools, we don't kick kids out. Kids can get kicked out of preschool. I didn't even know that was a possible thing. We don't ever do that. Children show up. We meet them where they're at they all have room to grow, and we work on growing those skills. 

Heather  34:57

Absolutely 

Kristina  34:58

They all belong.

Heather  34:59

And they grow us. It's so true that they grow us. And as parents, our kids grow us too. I distinctly remember thinking, Oh, okay, we just got through that. Because it can feel like all of a sudden our kids are five steps ahead of us, and that it's just coming at us so quickly, and we have to figure it out and adjust. And all of a sudden we feel like, Okay, we're back on top, we're ahead. And then the next thing comes and it's like, ah, boom, down again. Yep. So it goes back to your gratitude journal when things are smooth sailing and all the pieces are fitting, and it feels good. Write that down, yeah, because the storm will come. 

Kristina  35:39

And when you've made it through the storm. Write that down too.

Heather  35:43

Remind yourself it does not last forever.

Kristina  35:46

 It doesn't last forever. And even this is when I'm like, really in the zone of my best self, I can be grateful for the conflict because of how it helped us grow.

Heather  35:57

Because you can see the learning. 

Kristina  35:59

Yes. So we do that, right? We help teach our children those skills by walking them through, asking them questions. The important thing to remember when you're doing that is to make sure that you are calm first. And sometimes, boy, you see something or you hear something happening in the other room, and you think, what is going on, and you go in escalated. As the adult, we need to take a breath. We're there as helpers. So calming ourselves first is a really important step to take, yep.

Heather  36:34

And that takes a lot of practice. That's where you know, Mom, you're speaking with passion always came in. Takes a lot of practice give ourselves a lot of grace. We're learning too, right?

Kristina  36:46

And we get to also apologize-

Heather  36:48

And own our stuff. 

Kristina  36:49

Oh, heavens yes. That's how our kids learn to do it. Absolutely. Thank you so much for joining us for Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood. I'm Kristina.

Heather  

And I'm Heather. And we're so grateful to join you on your parenting journey, until next time…

Heather and Kristina

See you on the trails!

Kristina  

The Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood podcast is brought to you by the ODC Network in Holland, Michigan. It is produced by Jen Plante Johnson, recorded and edited by Dave Purnell, with original theme music by Dave Purnell,

Heather  

The ODC Network is a nonprofit organization that strives to advance outdoor education and conservation in West Michigan.

Kristina  

Since 2000 the ODC network has served over a million people through hands on outdoor learning experiences and conserved thousands of acres of native habitat through restoration and preservation projects.

Heather

The ODC Network’s vision is building a better community by connecting people, land and nature. To learn more and get involved, go to www.ODCNetwork.org.