Finding Our Joy

In this uplifting episode, clinical social workers Heather and Kristina explore the transformative power of joy in parenting. They dive into how joy differs from happiness—while happiness can be fleeting, joy is an internal choice that nurtures fulfillment, contentment, and resilience. Heather and Kristina share how joy can be found in the small, everyday moments—like a child’s first steps or a shared moment of laughter—and how we can cultivate it through intentional presence and mindfulness. They also reveal the profound benefits of joy, from improved health to stronger relationships and greater emotional resilience. With practical tips on creating joy-filled spaces, engaging in meaningful family activities, and fostering a gratitude practice, this episode offers a warm and inspiring roadmap for parents looking to embrace joy in the midst of parenting challenges. This conversation is a heartfelt reminder that joy is not only possible—it’s essential. Tune in and discover how to infuse our parenting journeys with more joy, connection, and resilience.

Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood is recorded and edited by Dave Purnell and produced by Jen Plante Johnson for the ODC Network in Holland, Michigan.

The ODC Network is a non-profit organization that strives to advance outdoor education and conservation in West Michigan.

Since 2000, The ODC Network has served over a million people through hands-on, outdoor learning experiences and conserved thousands of acres of native habitat through restoration and preservation projects.

The ODC Network’s vision is building a better community by connecting people, land and nature. To learn more and get involved go to: www.odcnetwork.org.

Transcript

Heather  00:00

I'm so excited for today's episode, because Kristina and I are going to talk about something that is so important to us. It's one of the things we want to help parents and children have more of: joy. And we're going to share about what it really means to embrace joy in our parenting. 

Kristina  00:17

One of the things we'll discuss is the big difference between happiness and joy. Happiness depends on what's happening around us, but joy? That's something that comes from within. And choosing joy is a powerful way to shift from a place of frustration and irritation to one that's centered on fulfillment and contentment. 

Heather  00:39

We're going to explore how Joy shows up in parenting. The small, everyday moments that bring a sense of pride, love and connection with our kids, from first steps to a heartfelt I love you. It's these moments that really build lasting memories and foster strong family connections. 

Kristina  00:58

That's right. Joy really isn't just about the big milestones. It's in the little things, those moments that we can savor right now, like a walk in the sunshine or a good laugh with a friend. It's so much about being present and noticing the beauty in the small things. 

Heather  01:17

So join us as we unpack how joy can transform our daily lives, make our relationships and our connections with our children stronger, and even boost our health and resilience. Trust us, joy is more accessible than you might think. And today we're going to talk about the ways we can fully embrace it. 

Kristina  01:37

I can hardly wait. Let's get started.

Heather  

Welcome to Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood.

Kristina

A podcast where we explore the struggles and challenges we all face as parents. We'll share ideas and offer tips and strategies for raising happy, healthy children. My name's Kristina Boersma

Heather

And I'm Heather Bouwman. Kristina and I are clinical social workers who've been working with families and children for a good long minute. We're Support Service Directors for the Early Childhood Network of ODC Network in Holland, Michigan. And we get to support parents and children as they navigate the tricky terrain of raising children and growing up in today's world.

Kristina

We're here to help unpack the hard stuff and connect with the joy of parenting. 

Heather

Are you ready? 

Kristina and Heather

Let's hit the trails.

Heather  

This project is made possible by the ODC Network, an amazing nonprofit organization based in Holland, Michigan, where we get to work supporting preschool aged students, their teachers and their parents.

Kristina  

The ODC Network is all about nurturing the community and the next generation through a wide variety of innovative nature-based initiatives.

Heather  

Please visit www. ODCNetwork.org to learn more about the ODC Network's mission and impact.

Heather  03:05

All right, Kristina, today, we are going back to our roots. We are going to talk about choosing joy.

Kristina  03:15

This is foundational-

Heather  03:17

To who we are and the work that we do. We want to connect parents to the joy in parenthood. 

Kristina  03:26

Yeah.

Heather  03:27

It is remarkable. Not easy-

Kristina  03:30

No, but it's there, and when we can choose it, choose the joy. Oh, my word. It changes the whole game. 

Heather  03:40

Yes, and so often in our society, there's this intense pursuit of happiness. Happiness and joy are not the same thing. Happiness is a much broader idea. I feel like it's a moving target for so many of us. If we just think we have that house, we'll be happy. If we have that job, we'll be happy. If we get that car, we'll be happy. 

Kristina  04:06

It's very fleeting, happiness is. And I kind of think it's a bit of an illusion, because you think, Oh, 

Heather  04:14

I'm gonna acquire, right? 

Kristina  04:16

Once I lose 50 pounds, I'll be happy. But then you do it, and you do it, and you get there, and you think, I'm not any happier than I was before. 

Heather  04:24

And then you set a new goal for your happiness, which joy is very different. Joy resides within us.

Kristina  04:33

And it is deep.

Heather  04:35

And powerfully impactful. And it can provide such a tremendously fulfilling sense of delight and pride. 

Kristina  04:45

Yes, delight is such a great word. 

Heather  04:47

I remember being a young parent, and it's a grind. We say the days are long, but the years are short. 

Kristina  04:56

These moments of joy deeply connect us with our children and with each other. 

Heather  05:03

It builds their story. It builds their narrative. And so often, we can think these are the little things, and they can so easily be missed. We allow them to be missed. But really, in my home, they're the big things. They truly are the meaningful things, and they're some of my life's greatest joys and pleasures, and I know I will miss it tremendously. Yeah. I mean, will I love having all my spoons clean and in the drawer and all the dishes where the dishes go? I will, but man, it's gonna be a quiet house. 

Kristina  05:38

Oh, yeah. And if I am having a tough time, if it is a tough day and I am really struggling to choose joy, all I have to do is look at my child's sleeping face. Oh baby, and it all fills me right back up.

Heather  05:57

It makes the world smaller. Yeah, it makes it feel like there's goodness.

Kristina  06:02

And we always get to start over each new day.

Heather  06:05

And children are so gifted at this. They so naturally lean into awe and wonder. And as adults, we're so accustomed to chasing the next thing, moving at a different pace, getting to the next activity, that we miss so much of the beauty around us.

Kristina  06:24

Well and I'm just thinking too like, what an awful thing to model for our children, this chasing happiness, which is ever-elusive and can change like that.

Heather  06:37

Because we move the target. We move the goal.

Kristina  06:39

Yep. So joy is much more about being present, what is happening around us and the people that we are connected to.

Heather  06:50

Talk about the "halo effect" that joy has. 

Kristina  06:53

So research has found that even these little moments of joy have this thing called the halo effect and their impact reaches beyond that moment of joy itself.

Heather  07:06

It feels like it could fill our Well, yes,

Kristina  07:09

Yes, absolutely. So those little moments of joy add up to be more than the sum of their parts, right? It's more than that. It's more than that. Little time of connection and laughter, it releases all kinds of wonderful things in your body, and over time, the cumulative effect of these moments of joy can lead to true happiness. 

Heather  07:35

Yes, powerful. And Joy attracts more joy. It impacts the people around us. It impacts the quality of our relationships. And on this point as well, the research is really clear. Emotions are highly contagious. We spread them to those that we're in the company of, and we are attracted to people who express positivity. And not in this kind of fakey enthusiastic way, but true, genuine joy. Joy even makes people appear more physically attractive to us. 

Kristina  08:17

Isn't it wild?

Heather  08:18

 It is, yeah, people rate smiling faces of average attractiveness more appealing than non smiling faces with above average looks. Isn't that crazy? Joy is just more attractive overall.

Kristina  08:32

Yep, it's attractive. It makes us more attractive when we are choosing joy and filling our days focusing on moments of joy. And you're right, it is not this toxic positivity and this false, you know, everybody's big smiles all the time, and that's not-

Heather  08:52

That's inauthentic and disengenuous. That is not what we are talking about. Yeah, we are talking about true joy that does spread to those around us. And it's felt. It's felt-our children feel our joy or our lack thereof. 

Kristina  09:09

JYep. Joy actually improves our health. 

Heather  09:12

Preach!

Kristina  09:14

Studies have shown there are correlations between feeling genuine joy on a daily basis, and our physical well beingSo like people reporting regular positivity have shown to have lower cortisol inflammation.

Heather  09:30

Cortisol is the stress chemical, right, stress hormone...

Kristina  09:33

And lower blood pressure. So over time, some researchers think that having time in your joy space on a daily basis, can actually help reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease. It can help us live longer, for crying out loud.

Heather  09:48

I have no doubt that that is true. 

Kristina  09:51

When we experience joy, there are things that change in our bodies. Right? Our breathing gets faster, our heartbeat increases-

Heather  09:58

In a good way. Not in an the angsty, stressy way.

Kristina  10:01

No, we have this kind of warm feeling in our chest. It's good feelings. And those sensations are caused by the release of adrenaline, and it makes our body prepared for movement and for engagement, and it makes us feel more mentally prepared, even to take on life's challenges.

Heather  10:22

It reduces that brain fog. 

Kristina  10:24

It does. In the brain, joy triggers activity in several pleasure related hot spots, not surprising, that are distributed throughout the brain. And the sensation of joy is then spread to other parts of our central nervous system, right? And that happens because neurotransmitters are released.

Heather  10:44

It's all of our little friends: dopamine-

Kristina  10:46

Serotonin, endorphins. They're released when we feel joy. That's pretty powerful, that we can actually affect our physical well being by choosing joy.

Heather  10:58

And our emotional and mental well being, with all those happy brain chemicals, getting those little squirts and doses of joy throughout our day. Some research suggests that the capacity for joy is genetic. I've read that, and I was like, hmm, that's an interesting thought. And then I thought of my husband's grandmother, who was just this joy- filled woman. No matter what was happening, she just embodied joy. And I bet we can all think of somebody that we think, yeah. I guess I can see that. 

Kristina  11:32

I certainly can 

Heather  11:33

This person, no matter what, no matter how hard, no matter what, in the midst of was able to still exude tremendous joy. So I get it. I think there probably is truly a genetic capacity for it. 

Kristina  11:49

Yep, I think so too. It's like their foundational state is joyful and they're wonderful to be around, right? Because- 

Heather  11:57

Right. And even those of us who may not be genetically predisposed for this broader capacity for joy-

Heather  11:57

This is my husband. And I think he gets it from his grandparents. I remember him telling a story one time to youth group kids and saying that he had gone to a job site and he had, I believe, inadvertently kicked over someone's coffee that was like gas station coffee and a Styrofoam cup,  and the person had a really big reaction to it. It was not one of his employees. It was someone else that was just on the site, working for another company. And he made quite a derogatory comment to my husband, like, "Oh yeah, your coffee. If I kicked it over, you've got your Yeti and it would not spill, but mine is just all over the floor now." And my husband was like, "Hey, I'm really sorry. I can get you another coffee."  But came home, I didn't know that this had happened. I just saw him rummaging through our kitchen cupboard, and he got an insulated mug with a lid that sealed. And it wasn't a Yeti, but he took a Sharpie and wrote "Yeti" on it. And the next morning, I had never heard this story. I saw him doing this. I had no idea. It didn't really matter, whatever, get a cup out of the cabinet. Take 10 more, make space. So I wasn't really in tune to that until I heard him telling this at church in a youth service. And he said, that morning I went and I filled the coffee mug and I brought it, and he just set it in front of the guy, which is my husband, right? No words. Just set it in front of the guy who was kind of a complete jerk to him the day before, and he said, you know, the guy just looked up at him and was like, "Thanks, man." He was like, "Yeah, anytime." Right? Just some people have this way.My husband, I'm super fortunate, is one of those people that I think has this really lovely, grace-filled genetic predisposition to joy. And I'm there for it. It's great.

Heather  13:25

That's our nature, right? We can do it through our

Kristina  13:48

Nurture. Yes, and when we cultivate an approach where we choose joy that models for our children, right? There's always something to be grateful for. There's always something that we can find joy in.

Heather  14:12

And when confronted with somebody who isn't joy filled, just graciously take it on, yeah, and spread your joy anyway.

Kristina  14:20

Yep, because we can mirror back the hostility and the anger-

Heather  14:23

And do so freely. 

Kristina  14:25

And I think that's what's happening in so much of our culture.

Heather  14:29

Which is, I think, stemming from very dysregulated central nervous systems. It's hair trigger. 

Kristina  14:34

Yeah, absolutely. 

Heather  14:36

So when we have this daily lens of joy that we're seeing the world through, it's amazing how all of a sudden the world is friendlier, appears more benevolent, more abundant, less full of obstacles. We're less negatively affected by the things happening around us and what we have no control over. And we're much more focused on what we can actually impose control over, which is ourselves and our attitude.

Kristina  15:06

Right. We're more resilient. 

Heather  15:07

Yes, way more resilient, and we're modeling that for our children. 

Kristina  15:12

So, I want us to spend a little time Heather, focusing on, what can we do as parents, to focus on that joy. What are the joys in parenting? And how can we make the most of joyful moments? So how can parents make the most of those joyful moments?

Heather  15:32

 I think it begins by being present and engaged, so we're not moving too quickly and miss them. Yeah, it's being able to appreciate the little things that really are big things. When we see our kids care for one another, when we see them lend a hand, when we hear them share a kind word, or shake the hand of the neighbor, or whatever it might be, those are big things that are indicators of who our kids are growing into, and they're to be celebrated. They're also the traditions that we create in our homes, like the red plate, that strengthen our bonds to one another, and it's these shared experience that anchor our kids in our home, yeah, that write their story that create these lasting memories for both parent and child.

Kristina  16:27

And when we get older, reminiscing on some of those things. Oh, my word. Does that tap right back into the joy? 

Heather  16:35

And I think in my family, I see that we can trick ourselves into thinking it's the grand gestures. It's not. It's the simple daily life. It's me taking the time when every one of my kids was in middle school to write sticky notes and put them on their mirror to build them up, right in the midst of them figuring out who they are and them maybe hearing messages from the world that didn't align with who they are, but that I wanted them to remember who they were. Yep, it's those little things that cost nothing, right? And a little bit of time, and maybe your kids will be that's corny, but when you find it crumpled up in the laundry because it was in theirpocket because they took it with them. Message received,

Kristina  17:23

Yeah. And for me, it's looking back at other pictures from when our children were younger, and all of the wonderful things we experienced together that can also really very quickly tap me back into joy.

Heather  17:38

And there's those certain looks that they give that have been with them-

Kristina  17:44

From the beginning. 

Heather  17:46

That twinkle in the eye, that little dimple in the chin or in the cheek, and you see as they're now young adults, and I think, oh, but you're still-

Kristina  17:58

My little baby. Yeah. So I think one of the things that we've been talking about in choosing joy is the need to have and to make space for it. Right when we talked in a previous episode about, you know, managing our schedules, and who's in charge of our schedule, if we keep our plate filled all the way to the rim, we don't have time right? To make space for joy and for looking for the joy. So that is also part of it, and when we're going through particularly challenging or difficult times, focusing on the things we're grateful for can help us.

Heather  18:42

And reminding ourselves that two things can be true at the same time. Parenting can be the hardest job in the world. Parenting can be the most challenging and overwhelming job in the world sometimes. It can also be the most joy-filled and rewarding job we've ever had, and will ever have.

Kristina  19:06

Yep. So when things are hard and the joy seems more elusive, focusing on gratitude and taking care of ourselves? That can help mitigate the stress and helps us maintain a perspective.

Heather  19:22

And I think if the joy feels elusive, we have to assess how much time are we spending in our joy space, and are we truly chasing happiness rather than joy? Yep. Hey, hey, listeners, Kristina and I are so grateful to be a part of your village. If these conversations and episodes are impactful to you, we deeply appreciate your support to continue doing the work we love so much for such an amazing nonprofit organization, please visit www.gear up-podcast.com to make a tax-deductible contribution. Thank you.

Kristina  20:02

It's gonna sound fancy: I wrote a book. I actually did Shutterfly with the time leading up to and into Grace's birth.Because that was a challenging time for us for a lot of different reasons, and I realized that I could write her story right? And take out that struggle and focus on the joy of welcoming this child into our lives. 

Heather  20:30

It's all about where you decide to aim your light and shine your focus. 

Kristina  20:35

Yeah, exactly. And for me, sometimes finding the joy is about zooming in, because then that can kind of quiet the noise of life. And other times it's zooming out, and saying-

Heather  20:50

Looking at the big picture and seeing the growth.

Kristina  20:53

And seeing the precious, precious moment. 

Heather  20:56

So rather than this great pursuit and chase of happiness, instead focusing on the joy, because it ultimately brings usto this place of contentment, and true happiness. 

Kristina  21:10

Oh, I used to say embracing and making peace with the life you have-

Heather  21:16

Yes!

Kristina  21:17

Versus comparing to everybody else and thinking my life is kind of crappy. I want a life like that. 

Heather  21:24

It's really noticing the beauty in the imperfection.

Kristina  21:29

So choosing joy, I think for me, it also involves what I let myself be exposed to. If I fear that that's going to make medissatisfied with the life that I have.

Heather  21:43

Well, it's a protection. 

Kristina  21:44

It is.

Heather  21:45

You're choosing to protect your joy. 

Kristina  21:47

So joy is an emotion measured in the moment. It's not something you need to think about. We know what it feels like, and we can usually say with pretty good accuracy, whether or not we're feeling it in a given moment. So Grace's therapist, who we love, she's amazing. Will use this term of "joy space," where are you spending and what are you doing in that joy space? Because Grace has struggled over, you know, the years with mood and being overwhelmed by the darkness in the world. And so her therapist will say: spend time in your joy space and- 

Heather  22:33

Choose joy. 

Kristina  22:33

Yes, she needs to intentionally do that. So even when we're overwhelmed by kind of the grind being stuck in the weeds of parenting, we need to carve out the time to spend it in our joy space. 

Heather  22:48

Yes, and that can be so different for all of us. 

Kristina  22:51

It's interesting. Heather, I don't know if it was easier to find the joy when life was simpler, but for me, the world is a very noisy-

Heather  23:03

It's our access to everything that's changed.

Kristina  23:05

Well, and there's so much anger and hostility, and-

Heather  23:09

We weren't intended to manage all of the information that's chronically coming at us. I don't think we were built to manage that. And until we intentionally begin to shut some of it out and decide what we're going to allow in, it can really steal the joy. 

Kristina  23:26

Yeah, because joy and fear.

Heather  23:30

No joy begets joy.

Kristina  23:32

Yes, absolutely.

Heather  23:35

For me, it's a walk in the sunshine on a cool, crisp morning, maybe seeing the sun rise, taking a nice, long walk, maybe a sunset in the evening. I love that. You know, my house is like a rodeo. We have lots of animals. If I can pet my sweet dogs, catch a glimpse of my tom cat that's moody and comes around like a teenager when they're hungry, and make it my attempt to get close to him and maybe catch a pet on his back and connect with him a little bit, and his eyeballs before he takes off run into the next home that he visits, or whatever he does, being with a horse and just brushing that horse and spending some time there. For me, animals are very joy filled, and there's nothing quite like their eyes. They can't speak to us, but boy, can they communicate with us, which for me, I just love, because sometimes I grow tired of talking to actual human beings, and so I just surround myself with my animals.

Kristina  24:42

And some of those things could be seen as drudgery, right? I've got to brush out. Oh, I gotta brush the horse. I gotta

Heather  24:48

 No, I love it. It regulates my nervous system. It calms me.

Kristina  24:53

You know, we got a puppy a few years ago, and our little dog brings so much joy into our home. It has been really altering to the energy in our home. 

Heather  25:08

Oh, yeah. Amen.

Kristina  25:10

And it's been wonderful. It's so fun to see my husband with our puppy and how much joy our puppy brings to him, which then in turn, brings me a lot of joy. I've talked before about my front porch. I love my front porch, and spending time on it is one of my joy spaces. And I live in a very tight knit, beautiful neighborhood near our downtown so people walk often, up and down the block, and I'll be on my front porch baby reading, and all of a sudden the friend will walk by and they come join me on the front porch, and we get a little something to drink, and we get to talk. And I often feel like this is like holy ground, yes, it is the best of the sacred best, yes, yes, and it is full of joy. Does not mean that we don't deal with difficult things, but the ability to do it and connect in such a way is beautiful. We have porch time, we call it in my neighborhood, where different neighbors will gather on a front porch, and we'll have, you know, maybe a little snacks and maybe a drink and just community. So my front porch is definitely one of my joy spaces.

Heather  26:31

Yeah, and my home is about as polar opposite from yours as you can get, right? It's property back in a forested location, quarter mile off the road. There's no one walking by my home unless they're there for a purpose, because it's a destination. But for me, it's being in my flower gardens. It's being in my lawn. It's having my bare feet in the soil and my hands in the soil and growing things, especially as my kids have aged, right? It's the still nurturing something, because my kids just need me less. It's just the reality of it. So I'm out there with my dogs and my moody cat once in a while and just working in the ground, and I love that. And if my husband is out there with me, I love that even more. And just having those moments where we're walking through the lawn and we're talking about things we want to do, and we're holding hands, it's those moments that are easy. There's nothing expensive, there's nothing to plan, but what great joy.

Kristina  27:45

Music. Music can bring us joy.  I mean, I have- I play Abba whenever I'm cleaning the house, because, let me tell youwhat: it brings me joy. 

Heather  27:55

Yep, it's the things about us that just cultivate that feeling of contentment.

Kristina  28:02

And for me, it's when I can set down the worry or set down the agenda, or set down the list of things I know I need to do and just be in the moment. And you love to laugh. I love to laugh. And so like I was on the way to go to get our hair cut at a friend's house, Grace and I, and I never remember how to get to her house ever. And I had just looked it up on my phone. It's like, oh yeah, that's the address. And then I promptly forgot it. Grace is like, you've got a memory like a goldfish. And I could have been because I was a little frustrated we were running late, and I don't like to run late. And I could have taken that as a like, well, that's not a very kind thing to say, right? Instead, I burst out laughing. I was like, I do kind of have the memory of a goldfish, you're right, and joining each other in thatlaughter, yes, created a moment of joy.

Heather  28:56

Yes, right? And what you're talking about, our days are busy at work, right? It's, it can feel like we're one thing to a next. There's a lot of interruptions. And if I get a text from my husband that makes me laugh out loud, it's just a moment to myself. Yep, that is great joy, yeah. And I love that. And it brings me right back into what's important, why I do, what I do, why I love who I love? One of the things for me is when I get to listen to my nearly grown children, right? My boys are young adults, and when I hear them joking and kind of ribbing at one another, and I can really marvel at the truly wonderful young men that they're growing into, oh, it makes my heart burst, and it makes me excited for the future. It's different. It's so different than the way it's been. But I love it. I love listening to them just kind of pick at each other, but with this great fun and joy and laughter.

Kristina  29:58

And fondness for each other.  I love that. With Grace too I love listening to her as she shares about the things that are important to her, or the way that she sees things or experiences the world. Like you said, it makes my heart just swell with pride and joy in who she is becoming. So there are some ways that we can create and maintain joy in ourfamilies, and that can include spending quality time together, right ensuring that we have open communication, being encouragers for each other, and maintaining a sense of humor when things get super serious, it's harder to find the joy so doing things together, being involved in activities as a family, engaging in forms of entertainment, listening to music...

Heather  30:52

Watching a funny movie. My family has certain movies that we watch every year together, and just laugh and laugh and laugh. They never get old, and we notice something new every time that we hadn't seen before. But it's just being in that space together of laughter and fun and great joy.

Kristina  31:11

Yeah, and sharing our joy with others helps to connect us right? To the people in our village, to our friends, creating the space to discuss and share different challenges in parenting, but also the joys that helps others connect into thejoy in their own lives. So choosing it for ourselves, sharing it with others, creating the space for it. It's all really important when we want to have a life that cultivates joy, there's a quote that I read at one point that said: "Joy comes to us in ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary."

Heather  31:58

We live in a world that pumps us and tries to sell us the extraordinary every single day. Choose joy

Kristina 

Thank you so much for joining us for Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood. I'm Kristina.

Heather  

And I'm Heather. And we're so grateful to join you on your parenting journey, until next time…

Heather and Kristina

See you on the trails!

Kristina  

The Gear Up! Adventures In Parenthood podcast is brought to you by the ODC Network in Holland, Michigan. It is produced by Jen Plante Johnson, recorded and edited by Dave Purnell, with original theme music by Dave Purnell,

Heather  

The ODC Network is a nonprofit organization that strives to advance outdoor education and conservation in West Michigan.

Kristina  

Since 2000 the ODC network has served over a million people through hands on outdoor learning experiences and conserved thousands of acres of native habitat through restoration and preservation projects.

Heather 

The ODC Network’s vision is building a better community by connecting people, land and nature. To learn more and get involved, go to www.ODCNetwork.org.