The Right To Define Yourself

Episode 1: The Right to Define Yourself

You walk into a room with years of experience, nuanced thinking, and complex capabilities. Within minutes, you've been reduced to something manageable. "She's so detail-oriented." "Such a team player." "Really approachable."

This is flattening. And you've been letting it happen.

In this episode, I break down exactly how flattening works—the daily patterns, the language traps, the performance of being smaller than you are. More importantly, I give you three strategic shifts you can practice this week to start resisting it.

This isn't about hoping things get better. It's about the tactical skills you need to demand better and create it yourself.

In this episode:

• What flattening actually looks like (and why you don't recognize it's happening)
• The cost of being "easy to work with"
• Professional masking: why you're exhausted from being someone you're not
• The three strategic shifts that change everything
• Why gratitude became the cage I built around my own growth
• How to start claiming authority you've already earned

Three actions you can take tomorrow:

1. Practice accurate self-representation - Write how you'd introduce someone else with your exact experience. The gap between that and how you introduce yourself? That's the flattening you've internalized.
2. Stop apologizing for your presence - Catch yourself saying "sorry" when nothing requires an apology. Practice occupying space without apologizing for it first.
3. Say no without elaborate justifications - "That won't work for me" is a complete sentence. People who respect boundaries don't need explanations.

Every episode of The Career Strategist gives you three actions you can take immediately. If something doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong—it means your context is different. Let me know. This is meant to be a conversation.

Season 1 taught me I could be public. Season 2 is me being powerful.

Transcript

[00:00:00] I spent the last year talking with leaders who prove that it doesn't have to be this way. Leaders who build people up instead of breaking them down, who lead the way that they wish that they had been led quietly, intentionally. With humanity intact, and here's what I learned. Toxic leadership isn't inevitable.

It's a choice, which means accepting it. That's also a choice. So if you've heard the proof that better leadership exists, that better careers exist, if you've seen what's possible when someone refuses. To lead through fear or ego or the need to make everyone else smaller. Then I have a question for you.

Why are you still accepting less?

I am [00:01:00] Sarah Caminiti and welcome to the Career Strategist. This is a podcast that is entering a new era, and it's for people who are done settling for leadership that diminishes them who are done settling for careers that just don't feel right. This season isn't about hoping that things get better. It's about the strategic skills that you need to demand better and then create it for yourself.

But it starts with something foundational, something most of us have never been taught to protect, and that's your right to define yourself before someone else does. Because every day that you don't claim that, right, someone else is claiming it for you, and odds are they're choosing the version of you that makes their life easier, not the version of you that makes you and your career stronger.[00:02:00]

You walk into a room with years of experience. You've got the nuanced thinking and complex capabilities. But within minutes, you've been reduced to something manageable, something that fits someone else's comfort zone. This is flattening and it happens everywhere. She is so detail oriented, but the translation for that is actually she's contained an execution, not strategy.

She's such a team player. The translation on that one. Is that she won't push back when we ignore her ideas. She's really approachable translation there. She's safe, she's non-threatening. She's easily dismissible.

When people say these things, they're [00:03:00] not saying them to be insults, but they're not the whole story either. The issue is that these descriptions start to define the boundaries of what people expect from you. I know this because I live to this. I lived this for over 30 years, over 35 years. Really, I spent so much time focused on being so collaborative and such a steady presence.

While I was watching people with half of my experience get called a visionary, they got to be strategic. I thought that by doing all of the things that I was doing, I was building a reputation, but really I was building my own cage.

The flattening happens in meeting introductions. Sarah handles the operational stuff. It happens in performance reviews. You're so reliable. We know we can count [00:04:00] on you for anything. It happens in casual conversations. Oh, she's our go-to for keeping everyone happy. I have definitely been called that one.

And here's the twisted part. It often comes disguised as praise. So you smile, you say thank you, while something inside of you screams. Hey, that's not all that I am,

and here's what makes flattening so insidious. It doesn't just change how others see you. It changes how you see yourself. You begin to edit your ideas before sharing them. You soften your accomplishments. When you talk about them, you phrase statements like questions. I might be wrong, but this probably isn't important.

But you start to collaborate when you should be leading, [00:05:00] not because collaboration is bad, collaboration is great, but it has a time and a purpose, and a lot of the time you're probably defaulting to it. Defaulting to building consensus. Even when the moment calls for your judgment and your direction, you start to execute when you should be strategizing, getting so focused on delivering what you've been asked, that you stop questioning whether it's the right thing to deliver.

You start to smooth things over when you should be naming the problem, choosing temporary peace over the difficult conversations that could actually fix things, and the cost isn't just professional. It's personal. You go home exhausted from being a version of yourself that isn't fully true. You start to wonder if maybe you really are just good at the supporting roles.

Maybe this is all you're capable of. The [00:06:00] flattening works because you don't have the language to name what's happening when someone reduces you to. So detail oriented, you can't push back effectively because you can't articulate that. What they're seeing is actually strategic infrastructure thinking.

And this brings me to something crucial that a lot of us don't really understand. Took me a long time to understand. You can't change what you can't name. I was reading a post recently on Reddit where someone described getting an A DHD diagnosis in their thirties. They said it wasn't just about understanding their brain, it was about finally having language that explained decades of experiences that they have been calling character flaws.

Suddenly, I'm disorganized became I have executive function [00:07:00] differences or I'm too sensitive. Became, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria. They went from thinking that something was fundamentally wrong with them, that they haven't figured out something that everybody else has figured out except for them to understanding how they operate.

That's the power of language. It transforms self blame into self knowledge. The same thing happens with career patterns. When you don't have language for what you're experiencing, you internalize it as personal failure. You think I'm not leadership material instead of I'm in an environment that punishes my communication style.

You think I'm not strategic enough instead of. I'm naturally good at systems thinking, but it keeps getting labeled as details [00:08:00] work. You think I'm too sensitive instead of, whoa, I'm reading Power dynamics that others are choosing to ignore. Do they even realize that they exist? That's the thing about language.

Language gives you power, the power to distinguish between environments that don't fit. Versus something being wrong with you. The power to advocate for what you need instead of just adapting to what you get the power to separate your worth from other people's comfort levels this entire season. Is about giving you language.

Language to name the power dynamics that you're navigating. Language to describe your actual values. Instead of performing what you think that you should want language to communicate with authority instead of constantly [00:09:00] apologizing for existing. Once you have the words, everything will change. You'll stop accepting flattening as normal.

You'll start recognizing it as a choice that someone else is making and you can make a different choice. But if resistance is a choice, why do so many of us choose to allow flattening? Well, let's talk about why we let this happen. It's pretty straightforward. It's because we've been taught that being easy to work with is a virtue low maintenance, flexible.

Always willing to help, never causing problems, and in the beginning it works. People like you, of course, they like you, they invite you to do things, they trust you. With projects, you feel valuable because you're useful, but there is a [00:10:00] difference between being strategic about when to push and never pushing at all.

There's a difference between choosing your battles. And never fighting for yourself. The seduction is real because the immediate feedback is positive. You are the one people come to when they need something done. Without drama, you're the one they can count on to always say, yes, you are the one who makes everyone else's job easier, but ease for them becomes burnout for you.

Because you're carrying the emotional labor, the extra work, the responsibility. Without the authority, you are managing up, down, over, under, sideways, all of it, making sure everyone else is comfortable while your own needs get pushed aside. And the trap is that the better that you get at [00:11:00] this, the more they need you to stay exactly where you are.

Your growth becomes a threat to their comfort, your boundary setting becomes difficult. Your ambition becomes not a culture fit. The system works perfectly for them. This is where understanding power dynamics becomes crucial, and this is why we are diving into it in episode two, because being easy to work with.

Isn't just about your personality, it's about the role you've been cast in within existing power structures. But let's go a little bit deeper because flattening isn't just about being misunderstood. It's about the daily cost of being one person at work and another person everywhere else. You have a voice at home.

But for some reason you keep losing it in meetings. You have strong opinions with [00:12:00] your friends, but you always defer in professional settings. You are known for advocating fiercely for others, but you struggle to advocate for yourself. This is professional masking. And we've gotten so good at it that we don't even notice that we're doing it anymore.

You shift your tone when certain people enter the room. You change your posture. You literally change your language. More questions, fewer statements, more qualifiers, less conviction. You laugh at jokes that aren't funny. You apologize for taking up space. That you have earned the right to occupy. And the most exhausting part is that you start to monitor yourself constantly before you speak, you are already calculating.

Is this too much? Will this sound aggressive? Should I [00:13:00] soften this? Should I apologize first, that constant monitoring is cognitive load that other people don't carry. While they're thinking about the content of what they wanna say, you are managing the politics of how to say it so you don't get labeled difficult.

Here's what I realized, working with so many incredibly brilliant women, most of them practice in front of mirrors before important meetings. And if I just ended right there. That would sound like a really great idea, but they're not practicing their talking points. They're practicing their tone. They're practicing their facial expressions.

They literally rehearse sounding less threatening and they rehearse remembering to smile. That's when I knew [00:14:00] we are not building careers. We're building performances. We are so good at performing that we've forgotten who we actually are underneath it all. And the thing about performing is it is exhausting.

You go home depleted from being someone you are not all day. You save your authentic self for weekends and wonder why you're always tired. This code switching isn't just personal. It's strategic information. The environments that require you to mask this heavily are telling you something important about your values, their values, and your long-term sustainability there.

We're gonna explore this so much more when we talk about values in episode three. Now, before we go any further, let me be very clear. What I'm talking about here in [00:15:00] this episode is not about becoming suspicious of every interaction or assuming that everybody is trying to diminish you. Most people aren't operating with malicious intent.

Most people don't realize what they're doing. Subconsciously. Most feedback is not an attempt to put you in a box. The skills. We are learning is to distinguish between environments that genuinely value your full contribution and they do exist and they're awesome when you find them. And then those that reward you for staying small, it's to help you identify between those leaders who adapt their style to bring out your best and those that need you to shrink to manage their own insecurity.

Strategic adaptation is a skill, reading rooms, and adjusting your approach when it serves the outcome. The key is that healthy [00:16:00] adaptation preserves your core identity. While unhealthy masking serves other people's comfort at the expense of your authentic contribution. Not every workplace enables flattening.

Not every boss is threatened by your growth. The goal isn't to become defensive everywhere. It's to recognize the difference and respond accordingly. This discernment, knowing when you're being strategic versus when you're just surviving, becomes the foundation for everything that we're gonna cover this season.

Something that I've noticed in podcasts in content that the algorithm shoves in my face in empowerment books is that they're very quick to jump over the bad stuff, but take a really, really long time to talk about how you can change to make things better. But if you can't identify. The bad stuff. If you can't [00:17:00] identify the nuances, the power dynamics, it doesn't matter how many mindfulness retreats you go to, nothing's gonna change.

And even if those terrible power dynamics happen once, twice in your career, the fact that you're strategic about it, those two times preserved your energy. Preserved your voice and prevented it from taking over. Remember, flattening is something you either resist or allow, and resistance doesn't require grand gestures or confrontations.

You don't have to wait for their permission. To start, you can begin shifting these patterns right now. So here are three strategic shifts that aren't just tips. These are actual deliberate acts of choosing yourself. First shift. Number one, practice [00:18:00] accurate self-representation. Write down how you would introduce yourself.

If you were introducing someone else with your exact experience and capabilities, I'm not talking about how you actually introduce yourself. I'm talking about how you would introduce someone that you respect, who had achieved what you have already achieved. What's the gap there? Because I am sure there is a gap between the two versions.

That gap is the flattening that you have internalized. Do you say, oh, we all came together and I helped with that project? Or did you say what actually happened, which is I led that initiative? The language you use trains people how to see you. I am not suggesting that you become arrogant. I'm not suggesting that you take credit.

That is not yours to take. I'm just suggesting that you become accurate. Shift number two. Please stop apologizing for your presence. [00:19:00] You've gotta stop apologizing for things that don't require apologies. Sorry I'm late. When you're actually on time. Sorry, this might sound stupid when you're asking something important.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to bother you when you're doing your job. Every unnecessary apology signals that your presence is something to be forgiven. Rather than valued practice occupying space without apologizing for it first, shift number three, say no without elaborate justifications. This is one that I'm still working on.

I don't know if you're ready for this, but let me just let you in on a little secret that won't work for me is a complete sentence. Yes, I'm serious. I'm not available for that. Doesn't require a detailed [00:20:00] explanation of your calendar. The people who respect boundaries don't need long explanations. The people who push against boundaries, they are not gonna be satisfied by any explanation that you give Clean boundaries, protect your capacity for what matters most.

So there you go. Those are the three shifts. Each shift is small enough to try this week, but significant enough to signal that something has changed. You're not just surviving the dynamic anymore, you're reshaping it. This is the foundation for everything we're gonna be building together this season.

Because you can't navigate power dynamics strategically if you don't first understand your own patterns. You cannot communicate with authority if you haven't claimed the right to have authority. You can't build strategic relationships if you're still performing a diminished version of yourself. [00:21:00] But I gotta stop for a second and we gotta take a few steps back.

We gotta go back to the no situation because this is where most people get stuck. This is where most people. Pour so much energy that they don't need to pour. It connects directly to strategic decision making, and that is something that we're gonna cover a lot in episode four, but just a little, a little teaser to get into it.

We've been conditioned to believe that saying yes makes us valuable and saying no makes us difficult. You probably have a handful of proof moments. For that. But because of those couple of moments of proof, we forget that strategy requires selectivity. If you're saying yes to everything, you're not making strategic choices.

You are just reacting. The strategic no isn't about being unhelpful. No. [00:22:00] It's about being intentional with your capacity so you can be genuinely helpful where it matters most. I learned this lesson the hard way. I spent years saying yes to everything that came my way, thinking that it would demonstrate my value.

Instead, I just demonstrated that I don't have any boundaries, and people without boundaries don't get respected. They get used. The shift happened when I started asking myself, does this opportunity align with where I want my career to go? Does it use my core strengths? Does it move me towards the kind of work that I wanna be known for?

What really started this change was I was talking with my therapist about how I'm always asking myself, is this the right thing to do? And most of the time I would say, yes, yes, it's the right thing to do. Yes, spending over backwards for these people is the right thing to do because if I were them, [00:23:00] I would appreciate it if someone bent over backwards for me, but then she stopped.

And she asked me, well, what about what's right for you? And I'll be honest, I never thought about that because when you get into that mindset of it's the right thing to do, you're not part of that equation. You're just kind of a vessel. You are sacrificing yourself for these other people, these situations.

A lot of the time, doing the right thing for others is a great thing to do, but you also have to weigh the cost. And so while I still do ask, is this the right thing to do, I then follow it up with is this the right thing to do for me? And that forces me to stop for a sec and think about whether or not this actually is the right thing to do.[00:24:00]

Because just because I'm helping someone else doesn't mean it's always the right thing to do because I need to put myself into that equation. So with all of those questions, if I answered no to any of them, I learned to decline, not defensively, not with a long explanation, just cleanly. I won't be able to take that on.

But here's what I can do instead. The first few times felt terrible. There are still times that it feels terrible. I was sure that people would think that I wasn't committed or I wasn't a team player, or I had some weird hatred towards them. But here's what actually happened. They started bringing me opportunities that were more strategic.

They stopped assuming that I would say yes to everything. Saying No strategically actually increased my value because it forced them to think about what they really needed from me versus what would be [00:25:00] convenient for them. And this connects to something crucial that we'll explore throughout the season.

All that time, I'd been afraid that advocating for myself would damage relationships when really accommodation. Was what was keeping me small. The strategic no is practice for every boundary that you'll need to set as you grow into more senior roles. It's training for the communication skills that we're gonna cover in episode six.

It's preparation for the relationship dynamics that we're gonna navigate in episode seven. So you've got 24, 25 hours of proof with season one with Epochal Growth. That better leadership, better careers exist, you know what's possible to work in environments where you don't have to shrink to succeed. So let me ask you again, why are you still accepting less?

Because the version [00:26:00] of you that everyone finds so convenient, that's not actually who you are. That's who you've trained yourself to be, to make other people comfortable. You are exhausted because pretending to be smaller than you are is the most draining thing that you can do to yourself. The career you want isn't gonna tap you on the shoulder.

The respect you deserve isn't going to find you while you're hiding. The opportunities that match your capabilities aren't going to seek you out while you're performing a diminished version of yourself. You have to claim them. You have to stop waiting for permission to be who you already are and who you already are is incredible.

This season is about building the strategic skills to make that claim effectively. [00:27:00] Next week, we are going to talk about the forces that make this so hard. We're gonna talk about the thing that for some reason nobody really likes to talk about. We're talking about power dynamics. The power dynamics designed to keep you small, the systems that profit from your diminishment, because understanding how power really works.

Not just the org chart version, but the invisible version. That's what gives you the ability to navigate it strategically. But right now, right now, take a deep breath. Give yourself some grace. You listened to this whole episode. You didn't turn it off and say, I'm not ready for that. That's pretty cool.

Right now, in this moment, you know something that you didn't know a half hour ago. You know, you've been accepting a flattened version of yourself. You know that you have the right to resist it. You have language to name what's been happening, so what are you gonna do with that knowledge? [00:28:00] I'm Sarah Caminiti.

I am so happy that you are here at the Career Strategist. The career that you want belongs to who you actually are, not who you're pretending to be. Stop waiting. It's time to start claiming what you deserve. I can't wait to see you next week.