The Ave Satanas Podcast
A podcast about Satanism through the eyes of an Anarchistic Satanist. The Ave Satanas Podcast is a production of The Free Society Satanists. For more information, check out our website www.freesocietysatanists.com
The Ave Satanas Podcast
Stranger Than Fiction.
In today's episode Jack and Cris sit down with Natalie from Hail Philly to discuss one of the strangest works of fiction ever.....the Bible.
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Satan, satan, satan, our Lord and Master. I acknowledge thee as my God and Prince. I promise to serve and obey thee as long as I shall live. I renounce the other God and all the saints.
Intro/Exit Music:Don't listen to them. Don't listen to them.
Jack Violently:What's going on cheese balls? Welcome back to the Ave Satanas podcast. My name is Jack Violently. I'm going to be your host today. The Ave Satanas podcast is a production of the Free Society Satanists. We are a worldwide collective of anarchistic Satanists under the banner of the global order of Satan. For more information, check out the websites in the show notes. If you would like to shoot us an email, you can do that at AveSatanasPodcast at gmailcom. One final thing if you like the podcast, if you get value out of what we're doing here, make sure to drop us a five-star review on whatever platform you're listening to. As you get value out of what we're doing here, make sure to drop us a five-star review on whatever platform you're listening to, as it just greatly helps out the algorithm. All right, guys, we have an awesome show for you. Today we're going to do a deep dive into one of the strangest works of fiction ever written the Bible. Here to help us today is my friend and yours, the Grand Inquisitor of the Free Society Satanists, Cris. What's going on, dude?
Cris:It's going pretty good. It's going pretty good. Everything is you know. I honestly can't say much more than going pretty good. I don't have anything to complain about.
Jack Violently:So yesterday, my old ass, I sneezed and I threw my back out. 44 years old, much of my beard is gray. I sneezed and my lower back I caused a sciatic.
Cris:Honestly, I've been there bud.
Jack Violently:So our co-host or guest today you guys can't see this because this is an audio format Natalie is shaking her head in disbelief and also kind of a great segue. Also with us today we have Natalie from Hale Philly. Natalie is an admin for Hale Philly and is also a literal Bible scholar. Natalie, have you ever sneezed and thrown your back out?
Natalie:No, you got some years on me Just a few. That's a special for you.
Cris:One there, bud, so how are you doing today?
Natalie:I'm good Excited to be talking about one of my favorite books, as a Satanist Makes it weird, but it's something I've always loved to talk about. I did my thesis on it in college. Did my thesis on it in college, I went to school for book arts, so my whole thing was to care about books, so this is one of the most impactful books I knew in my lifetime, and especially in my life growing up Christian, and so I studied it very hard and made art about it. And now I have an incredibly annotated Bible that was annotated by someone who didn made art about it. And now I have an incredibly annotated Bible that was annotated by someone who didn't believe in it, which was a fun read.
Jack Violently:So yeah, the term Bible scholar. You literally studied it. It is the Bible, I think the moniker fits. So would you kind of agree? You're, you're, I guess, more learned than the average bear on the book.
Natalie:I would say so I have sat down with it. I have read a lot of its fan fiction as well, like Dante's Inferno and Paradise Lost and many of the Catholic renditions of why the saints and angels are all certain things. But it is such. I find it really interesting. I study it like people study Greek mythology. I just think it's really neat. The art is such a big deal. The books are a really big deal. They're some of the oldest books that people actually cared about, so it is something I deeply love.
Cris:Have you ever gotten into any of the sequels, like the book of mormon?
Natalie:oh, we've. I have read parts of the book of mormon.
Cris:I've not read it in its entirety because, um well, you don't have the golden plate, so you can read all of it, I suppose we all are missing something when you had said the sequel I was like did they write a follow up to the bible?
Jack Violently:like the bible 2? Electric boogaloo, like what was going on. Like joe's return just when you thought you were safe to walk down the streets of galilee oh god, somebody needs to write that right now In a world. So much like the introduction to this show. Here we're going to be talking about some goofy shit that they actually left in the Bible for some fucking reason, matt.
Natalie:You're our guest of honor. Man, let's kick it off with you here. Okay, so we're going to start with my favorite Bible verse that I used to be able to quote, uh, word for word, but I've gotten a little rusty. It is from I'm gonna read this one to you guys. It's two kings to 23 to 25. From there, elijah went up to bethel and he was walking up the. As he was walking up the path, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, chanting Go up Baldy, go up Baldy. He turned around, looked at them and cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two female bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the children. From there, elijah went to Mount Carmel and then returned to Samaria.
Cris:So basically, fuck them kids, yeah, fuck them.
Jack Violently:So I have a couple of thoughts about this. Why did they have to specify that they were female bears? That's kind of a wild distinction. They're more vicious and also kids are kind of spry man. They can move about like two female bears, like what were they?
Cris:I think 42 kids.
Jack Violently:Kids could take on two bears, I mean you're a kid 38 and 39 and you're seeing this bear just tear through kid 18, 19, and 20, aren't you thinking let's get the fuck out of here? Are you just going to sit there and stand and wait for your turn, like the bear had enough killing by the time it got to you? No, I'm out of there, man. Once I see one kid get killed, I am out the fucking door.
Natalie:All you got to do is be be faster than the slowest kid trip, like that's yeah. Yeah, I'm not above tripping somebody fucking right, 42 kids were slow as hell.
Jack Violently:And and here's my thing too of all the different versions of the bible that have come out since the millennia. But niv, king james. Well, blah, blah, blah. The, the spongebob edition, why did they keep this one story? Does it drive the plot like it is never spoken about?
Cris:again the all right, hold on. You said something about a spongebob edition, and the only thing that went through my mind is when the bears came out. Are you ready, kids?
Jack Violently:who kills lots of children up in Galilee. Sponge Bob.. God, that's even better than a Creed reference. We just tied in Sponge Bob to the Bible, fuck yeah. Since it's not referenced again and it doesn't drive the plot of the story along, it just kind of reminds me of this weird cut scene in like a john waters film with, like she bears a bald guy in just a sea of bloodshed. And now back to your story. Like the fuck does it have to do with anything?
Natalie:yeah, and it's just this, like random dude walking around and it's like they picked the wrong guy to fuck with. It was just kids being kids. Kids say wild shit, and now 42 of them, or I don't know if maul means dead, but look as a fellow bald person.
Cris:I get it, but you know, I gotta wonder, like the bible is full as far as the apologetics go of like uh, analogies and you know, metaphors and all of that. What could possibly be the metaphor for this? Like what could be the lesson?
Natalie:that's what I've asked so many people about that, because I know a lot of people who are still super into the bible and believe in it. I'm like, okay, what's the lesson here? And no one's been able to pull it out of for me. I had a professor who was born and raised Jewish and he was like this because it's in the Old Testament, he's like this isn't in the Torah, it's in the Torah as well, and he was floored that he had never heard it before and could not understand why it was in both books.
Jack Violently:What's this guy's name? Elijah? Yeah, so I, why it was in both books. What's this guy's name, elijah? Yeah, so I know chris has seen this movie. Natalie, have you ever seen falling down, michael douglas?
Jack Violently:Falling down, it's a movie from like 1990, like early 90s. Uh, michael douglas, it's basically about a movie about a guy who was just given the fuck up the. The straw that broke the camel's back just happened to him and he is here to unleash hell on the city. So I could just see this guy and this reference will be lost on you. But like he goes into the store, he's like this bread costs three shekels. Yesterday it was one shekel and he starts bashing the fuck out of the store, just causing mayhem. He walks out of the store and now we catch up to him. The town kids are calling him baldy and that's when the bears come out. So we're catching him a tail end of the worst day of his life and then, like that's when the bears happen. We don't know what happened to set up the bears. We just know that the bears were is what made it in the bible. I don't know, it's a little falling down for you guys.
Natalie:So that's fun, because it is a bad day for him, because before this um this is a lie shot with an S H and before this, uh. In the same like little section, elijah secedes Elijah with a J um, who I'm pretty sure is his father, who dies, and then he takes the mantle for him and then proceeds to go on as a scholar. He says the spirit of Elijah rests on Elijah. It gets really confusing.
Jack Violently:To kind of further that point, I think the catalyst for Michael Douglas having the worst day of his life. I think like early that day his wife wants a divorce or he loses his job or both, and then we just see him go through the city unleashing terror. So yeah, I mean we could have been watching falling down biblical days. I guess, I don't know, I'm going to back away from that reference, cause that's I don't know. I've beat that horse as much as I can. What do we got next?
Cris:I got one of my favorite. What the fuck moments from the Bible, first Samuel 1825. I'm not going to go through like reading the verses, but basically the story is is that King Saul promises his daughter Michelleal to Saul, or rather to David, and King Saul asks David. Basically David says you know who am I to be worthy of a princess, right? And King Saul says well, bring me the foreskins of a hundred Philistines as dowry. So David goes above and beyond and brings them 200 foreskins, because he's a company man, yeah.
Cris:Like all I can imagine is he's got them like strung up on like a necklace, like rings or some shit. Rung up on like a necklace, like rings or some shit. Like what the hell is it with the bible and genital mutilation?
Natalie:in the first place.
Jack Violently:200, you make a coat the coat, the coat of many foreskins. Um, my original thought was okay when, when cris brought this up to him, I was like well, for the longest time the US dollar has been like the standard for economic prosperity. Before that it was sterling, and I think before sterling it was gold. Are we still on the gold standard?
Cris:We haven't been on the gold standard in a long time.
Jack Violently:Right, right, right, yeah, I think it was gold sterling, now dollar. Now who's to say, you know, a thousand, two thousand years in the past, we were on like a foreskin economy.
Cris:like you know, everything was traded on on foreskins, I don't, I mean who's to say, that's just, that's just one idiot speculating. I mean imagine, if you imagine, if we were, and you were trying to buy something, you were, and you were just one short right, right you're like damn it.
Jack Violently:I gotta pull out my knife hold on you know some dude just sitting on the edge of town, like you know the stone city walls, and he's reading the tablet not the paper but the tablet and he goes man, the foreskin is going to drive up everything. I remember when you could get a gallon of gas for two foreskins. Now it's like 350. So he's like really bitching about the way the foreskin is going these days. I don't know like, yeah, that's, that's what I got from it. Uh, do you know anything about if they treated foreskins as a economic currency or what they?
Natalie:the bible talks so much about foreskins and circumcision it's almost unsettled. It is not almost, it is very unsettling, um. I'm gonna reference one of my uh second favorite verses that I used a lot in my thesis because it's funny and it's related uh, from jeremiah. It is circumcise yourself to the lord, remove the foreskins of your heart. So now they're using it even as a metaphor wow, I don't remember reading that one uh, it's jeremiah four okay, like I read the bible.
Cris:I read it like twice, but that's been 20 years ago, so I'm kind of coming at it really rusty at this point.
Jack Violently:I okay the foreskin of your heart. That sounds like like a weird psychedelic band, like from like the 60s, like they would have been on the side stage of woodstock.
Intro/Exit Music:The foreskin of your heart I need you to know when I'm doing my thesis. Like I said, I made artwork about it. I have letterpress printed like versions of this, this bible verse that I Remove the foreskins of your heart. I need to find them and I'm going to mail you all some because they're delightful I would put that up on my wall in a second Holy shit as long as they're not printed on actual foreskins, I will put it on my altar, no questions asked.
Jack Violently:And plus, where are you gonna get them?
Cris:nowadays, yeah, inflation is hitting us.
Natalie:I mean, we can't really afford that nowadays destroyed the value of a foreskin, you know foreskins in this economy really nah all right, nat um, I think I think you think you're back up.
Natalie:Okay, so we're going to talk about one of my favorite books in the Bible as a whole, which is the book of Job. So Job is this guy who is well, let's start off with entering the story. God's just hanging out, you doing whatever god does, um, and there's people standing in front of god and satan walks up and he's like yo, what's up? And god asks him what he's doing. He said just wandering around on the earth enjoying myself. And he said, like just just talking to him, hanging out. And then god like, look at this guy over here, job, he is one of my favorite followers, he loves me so much, he's the best. And he's like do you want to test that?
Natalie:And so then they make a bet on this dude's life, like, if I, if you ruin his life, will he love you just as much? So God's like, yeah, do it. And he lets you ruin his life, will he love you just as much? So god's like, yeah, do it. And he lets satan ruin his life. He doesn't let him touch him physically. But then a second time, satan rolls up and it's like yo, god, what's up? And they're hanging out again, I guess, because that's what they do. And he's like well, joe still loves me. What do you think about that? And he's like I'm going to do everything I can to him except kill him, and Satan lets him have it. It's just, it's a story about God and the devil making a bet on this poor man's life.
Cris:So basically, god doesn't play with dice, but he'll definitely play roulette.
Jack Violently:Whoa, so this is wild, you know. So, god being the all knowing and all seeing and all loving, basically just for the lulls, he was having like a, a slow day with Satan Also, yeah, fuck with this guy for me, let's, let's, let's see how much he can take also what a dick, yes, man so I did like, yeah, go ahead, ruin his life completely, trashed his entire existence.
Cris:Let's see what happens you can't that is that's sociopathic.
Jack Violently:You can't touch him, you can't kill him. Other that have fun. You can do a lot with that. I mean, those are two pretty small caveats to avoid, I think. Other than that it's on the table. So I never knew this Enduring his torture and enduring the onslaught that was beset upon him by his favorite guy or on the word of word, of his favorite guy. That's where the phrase the patience of job comes from. I've heard that like my whole life and I've never really read into the story. I just thought job was a patient dude. Maybe he lived to be 300 or something like that, like they say people did in the bible back then. But no, it's literally you patience for just getting fucked with over and over and over by your best mate. Wow.
Cris:So do we have any details of what specifically Satan did to Job?
Natalie:So in the first round they burned down his house. I think they killed his wife and children. Wow.
Jack Violently:Starting out strong man.
Cris:Man, how do you escalate from that damn?
Natalie:and then they just uh, his household, everything he owns, just just ruins everything and he's just. And then they give him after that, on the second one, skin for skin, a man give of everything he owns in exchange for his life. But stretching out your hand and striking his flesh and bones, he will surely curse you in your face. And then they give him like boils and stuff and like no, just absolutely near death. And it's insane that he, he just. And then, mind you, this is just the first like little bit of the bible, not the bible, the story of job. The rest of it is his three bros, uh, job's three friends that are like you must have done something wrong, this is 100 your own fault. And job's like I've done nothing, I'm just, I'm, I love god, I've been doing the whole thing.
Jack Violently:And they're like you did this this is your fault, have you, though? I mean getting gas lit by your bros, after god greenlit the entire destruction of your life. What the fuck, man?
Cris:Sociopathic man.
Jack Violently:Damn, that goes fucking hard.
Natalie:But then at the end the Lord speaks to Job and is like how fucking dare you? Because Job was questioning him like why are you doing this to me? And god literally says who is this? Who obscures my counsel with ignorant words? Get ready to answer me like a man. When I question you, you will inform me. Where were you when I established earth? Tell me if you have understanding who fixes dimensions? Certainly you know. And it's just like why are you fronting on the man so hard that you just ruined his life?
Cris:that's like the why do? Why do you make me hit you fucking line like?
Jack Violently:right, oh, exactly, see what you're making me do. And also the phrase get ready to answer me.
Natalie:Like a man, like god, trying to square up on this dude like what the fuck stand up bud, stand up bud like this man is near death, covered in boils and dying, and everything in his life has gone, and it's just like how dare you talk down at me?
Jack Violently:I am god, god's like yeah, we can just a kid with an ant farm we can take this shit outside if you want. Bud, basically telling him to take it to the parking lot. Man, what the fuck, dude? Oh shit, wow man.
Natalie:But yeah, no hate, like god's love, as we like to say and like at the end they give him everything back, like they restore his life, and it's just like but did.
Cris:But did he bring back his wife and kids?
Jack Violently:I I know he's got a new one, I can see like we're going to upgrade you pal.
Jack Violently:The first iteration. Like you know, god's just like learning his powers. And he cast his hand and there's your house back and his house looks normal. And he goes and there's your oxen back and his oxen looks good. And then he waves his hand and we're going to give you back your wife and kids. And he tries it. And then they just come back as like fucked up looking zombies and he's like, ah, let me try that one again, hold on. And then he wipes those away and he comes back again. He makes like the joke a copy of a copy is never as as strong as the original. He's like let's just give you a new wife. And then he does that shit. Um, wow, before we continue, let's take a little bit of a break. Um, chris, do you want to? You want to tell everybody about our fundraising efforts for the Atlanta Mutual Aid Fund?
Cris:Absolutely, I would love to. So. As our listeners who have been listening to our podcast for the last few months probably already know and if you're a new listener I want to let you know about we are the Free Society of Satanists. We are undertaking our first official fundraiser, and this fundraiser is going to benefit the Metro Atlanta Mutual Aid Fund. The Metro Atlanta Mutual Aid Fund is a grassroots initiative created by community members from the Metro Atlanta area who have witnessed the needs of their neighbors and decided to affect positive change in the world for those that they can help. They put a lot of their efforts into meeting the needs of those people who are the most vulnerable in the current economic climate, with the focus of the people in the BIPOC community, as well as members of the LGBT community, people with disabilities, the undocumented and the refugee community, and with the world going, with America going like it is right now, that type of help is sorely, sorely needed. You can learn a lot more about the Metro Atlanta Mutual Aid Fund at their website at wwwAtlantaMutualAidorg.
Cris:If you want to join us in this fundraising effort, I encourage you to come on over into our Discord. All of that information is going to be in the show notes and in our Discord, once you get in, there's a channel called FSS Fundraising where you can read more about this effort. You can read our first quarter's financial statement on the fundraising effort that I just put out. I do these quarterly financial statements so that we have an absolute accounting and complete transparency of where your money's at and where it goes, all right. So, again, if you want to join us on this, uh, in the show notes you can find links to our website, our discord and all of that, and we would love to have you.
Jack Violently:And yeah, and also to like in the discord, there's another channel called merch. Uh, everything that we make and sell, 100% of the proceeds from the profits goes to the fundraising efforts. We make $0.00 on our merch. So if you want to help out the show, go buy a shirt or something. Your purchase will go to help a very good cause.
Cris:And it does stand to be said that, to become a member of our discord or just align yourselves with FSS in general, we ask, and we'll never ask, for any type of membership dues. No patreons, nothing like that. Uh, we are. We want to be a big tent for you right.
Jack Violently:Yeah, I'm not trying to buy a Tesla with my patron money over here, so we're not going to have a patron. Um, I work a full-time job, don't need your money. So, yeah, no, teslas will be purchased with any Patreon money that I do not make. Yeah, so who do we have coming up next? Is it Nat or Chris, who we got?
Cris:I'll take this one.
Cris:Another one and it kind of to me proves the impotency of God is Judges 1.19. So this chapter of the Bible is talking all about Judah and talking all about how Judah is God's boy, right. And Judah goes on just rampage after rampage, with God's blessing, with his army, and he's conquering all over right. And he comes across at one point, these people of the plains, as the verse says, and Judah couldn't win with his army, blessed by God, because these people had chariots fitted with iron. So basically, if you ever want to beat God, show up in a tank. Like how impotent, right? But yeah, like. I always thought that one to be so telling because the common refrain is God's got everything. God can do anything, yada, yada, yada, but he can't handle chariots fitted with iron armor behind horses.
Jack Violently:He would only make it so far in Minecraft.
Cris:And it's again one of these things like, as you'll hear, the apologetics, that the bible's full of metaphors and allegory and all of that. And what possible metaphor or allegory could this be other than just saying, yeah, god doesn't is not all powerful how far do you have to stretch it to make that one work Right?
Jack Violently:Most certainly.
Natalie:Yeah, noted, silver is for werewolves, iron is for God. Keep that mark down.
Jack Violently:I think I have a cast iron. Yeah, you can go to any southern granny's house and get the biscuit pan and just beat God to death with it.
Intro/Exit Music:Cast iron also works on the inevitable on the all-being.
Jack Violently:God too. Yes, that that joke wasn't. Don't laugh at that. That's a pity laugh. That was, that was a week, man, never mind. Don't fucking laugh at that shit it's done, man it's done. Save me from this natalie. What do you got here?
Natalie:oh, what we got next? Oh my, uh, my least favorite person in the bible. So my least favorite person in the bible comes down to our boy, moses, who everyone knows. Moses, moses led them out of egypt and away from the pharaoh and he was like this big guy. He split the what, what? One of the seas, I forget which one it was, um, and he led the people out. People love moses. Um, I, oh gosh. In my final thesis, I need you to know there was a uh on the wall. It was just projected. That's a thing that said I don't trust, and it said Moses, jesus, and it would flash between the names. But Moses is a big one in this. I don't like this man. He had no business doing any of this. He didn't do any of the talking to Pharaoh. It was his brother, aaron, who did pretty much everything, which is okay.
Natalie:This guy's got issues, he's got his minion his minion yeah, you can't speak in front of crowds, he has anxiety or whatever. But then they leave egypt, right, and they're walking to the promised land and this takes forever and just he starts making the most insane rules for these people. He starts making rules about what they can and can't do. The commandments come out of this section and people are really aware of those, but then you start looking at things like you can't eat certain animals from the ocean like clams off the table. New England is fucked. It keeps going deeper and deeper into what they can't do and uh, and then they start talking about come, you can't. You if you come where you come, if you, if you think about it, but you don't, moses got rules about that so every teenage boy is just fucked there will be.
Jack Violently:There will be. No. No man past the age of like 12 or 13 in in heaven or in this tabernacle, no way okay, no, this is all, mind you, for the tabernacle which is my other favorite thing, the tabernacle, is this thing that moses was like.
Natalie:God needs us to build the tabernacle. Mind you, he's the only one that talks to God and it is made out of the finest materials that they have at the time. It's gold, silver and bronze and blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen and goat hair and all of this really fancy stuff. And God, why does God need that? I think Moses just really wanted a fancy building to live in and he had them build it in the name of God, and they couldn't. No one stopped him.
Cris:So the timeline of this? This is supposed to be during the 40 years that they're lost in the desert, right, yeah, so how the hell did they find any of that to begin with, if you're in a fucking desert, right? Did they have trade routes like?
Natalie:they have. Everyone need like they. He built this tabernacle tool. Mind you, all these rules that he's making is if you're clean, makes you clean or unclean. And that means like if you can enter the tabernacle. Mind you, he made so. In the end, he just made all these rules so no one else can enter his tabernacle. He's just like this is my fancy gold house. Fuck all of you. You're dirty, you're coming too much, stop I see what's happening.
Jack Violently:He made them build his own goon cave well, I was gonna say like 40 years in the desert is a long time. There's not much stimulation if you got to get off, man, like you know, there's also not many places to hide in a desert. So I can just imagine like moses leading the the 40 year jaunt through the desert and every time he looks back you just see some dude with his dick in his hand. He's like motherfucker man. Every time I around you guys are just jerking off, what the fuck? So he made the rule Like it was more out of like necessity for him not having to see people like jerking it in the desert rather than it being actually unclean. He just got sick of hearing it.
Natalie:Stop touching your dick, guys. Can you go?
Jack Violently:one fucking day and day, and you know to be fair, uh, but it's a lesson as old as time. I think it still holds up today.
Cris:I don't know, I, I, but I digress and the thing is like I've seen like a map where somebody was talking about the 40 year lost in the desert thing and they kind of mapped and with a radius around like the general area.
Natalie:There is literally nowhere in that area where you can walk in a straight line and it takes 40 years to reach anything so it's like one of those like when you're watching a scooby-doo thing and they're like running in circles and oh yeah, they're looping they're crossing over their own paths.
Cris:At some point in time, somebody's gotta say I've seen this rock 17 other times. We've walked around this mountain 87 times. What's going on?
Jack Violently:And then the last guy with his dick in his hand, he's just jerking. He's like hey Moses, do you know where we're going? Stop touching your fucking shit man.
Natalie:Of course I know where I'm going. Oh, we're there yet, yeah.
Jack Violently:You start hearing the grumblings of the back. I'm getting hungry. I got to use the restroom. I want to jerk it. Hey, are we there yet, man, this is getting kind of hot out here.
Natalie:Yeah, like, mind you, the only way to get clean is to like sacrifice animals and like do all this stuff so like I don't know where they're getting all of this stuff. They're just murdering goats and pigeons and other things constantly. No one can come. It's wild.
Jack Violently:Or, if you want to, you gotta have a goat Just because a dude can't keep it in his pants. And really once again story all this time how much more destruction needs to be made just because a dude can't keep it in his pants. Really, come on man.
Natalie:Crazy stuff man. I again hate Moses, my partner in his pants. Really, come on, man, crazy stuff man. I I again hate moses. I could, um. My partner often tells me I could talk for an hour about how awful moses is. Um, my favorite part, though, is at the when they finally reach the promised land and they're looking on it. God says moses, you know, you're not, you've been not super great, um, you can look on the promised land, but you cannot enter it. And he dies right before they get there.
Jack Violently:And that's it. The same dude that was fucking with Job on a whim. You know what? You haven't been such a good guy. Now you're being gaslit by once again another instance of being gaslit by your savior.
Cris:I love the fact that God apparently decided to cuck moses with that, like I love that part it's. It's so good you can look at it. He pulled the uno reverse card you made this moses sitting over there in that chair that faces the bed in the darkness.
Jack Violently:Chris, do you, do you have another one?
Cris:Yeah, I got one, and it's actually the same one that that Natalie had brought up in our show notes and it is probably one of the funniest to me, and it is Matthew 21, 18. Yeah, it's 18 to like 21. So I'll actually read it.
Cris:Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it may you never bear fruit again. Immediately, the tree withered. When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. How did the fig tree wither so quickly? And Jesus replied truly, I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but you can also say to this mountain go throw yourself into the sea and it will be done. All right, jesus was a dick to a fig tree because it had the gall to not bear fruit out of season. How dare that fig tree, what a dick, right. But also saying the believers could say hey, mountain, go jump in the ocean, I want to see what that's like. And the mountain's like yep, all right, cool, here we go.
Natalie:If you believe in anything, it'll come true.
Cris:What in the Twilight Sparkle like if you believe it'll happen like and I was, I was talking with, I was talking to a friend of mine um, they're a elapsed jehovah's witness and I was talking to her about this specific verse and she sent me a link to I guess it's jworg or whatever their website is and it's talking about this specific thing, and at least from what I was reading there, because again, the Bible is apparently full of allegory and metaphor. Some people believe that the fig tree represents Israel. Somehow I don't understand that one. But then I've also read other things of like the fig tree represents someone who says they're Christian but doesn't bear fruit. Yada, yada, yada. And I okay, that's a stretch, but I can get there Right, but otherwise you just have to accept that Jesus was a petulant man, child getting mad at a fig tree.
Jack Violently:And you know it's one of the sort it's really the actual, the source of one of my all-time favorite memes. Around the time the Westboro Baptist Church fuckheads were making those protest signs whereas I say saying God hates fags. You know, like I think the dipshits just read a misinterpreted version of the Bible, like to where he has his head in his hand. He's like damn it. I said I hated figs, what the hell is so hard to understand here. But you know, like the longest game of telephone ever invented, the Bible. It's been changed and processed, all you know, to hell and back. So it was like yeah, the original story was probably him saying like like you know, he really hates figs, but somewhere down the line westboro probably thought he said fags and that's where it came from. So yeah, he's like he doesn't hate gay people at all, he hates figs it says so right in the bible.
Cris:It has to be that yeah, so yeah, what I what I found was really interesting, though, is there is a similar story in the Quran about Muhammad. There's a Hadith in the Quran I can't remember the specific call-out book or whatever, but basically Muhammad was rocking through with his followers and they came up on some date farmers that were I think in the text it says grafting, but I think that really means like fertilizing or something like that these date palm trees. And Muhammad basically said, hey, that doesn't make any sense, you should abandon this practice. And the date farmers were like oh yeah, of course you're Mohammed, of course we need to abandon this practice, right? So when the date palm harvest comes around and the farmers got almost no dates, that message got back to Mohammed and Mohammed was like, yeah, bro, you shouldn't have listened to me, I don't know anything about farming. Like, listen to me about, like things that have to happen with Allah, but you know everything else. Use your own judgment.
Jack Violently:You took what I said seriously. What the fuck's wrong with you?
Cris:Like Muhammad, was just being a troll at that point.
Natalie:Shout out to Muhammad, though, for being like ooh yeah, no, I'm not right about everything, don't? No? Yeah, I know.
Cris:Like I could get right about everything, don't know. Yeah, I know Like I could get behind that. That part of it Like yeah, bro, I don't know everything, but it's the other part where he says abandon the practice. And they're like, yeah, okay, and Muhammad had to have known that they were like they were going to believe them, right.
Jack Violently:Right, right, let me see. Right, right um. Let me see. God, we had another one here. Um, let me see I'm trying to find it the hypocrisy of modern evangelicals oh yeah, this is a little bit more serious.
Cris:33, 34, we've been leviticus, not leviathan bud the book of leviathan once again um we need that book.
Jack Violently:Yes, it's one of the books it's one of the books that they cut out of the Bible. It tells you how much I know about this, it's in the Apocrypha, definitely. There we go. Natalie, do you want to read from Leviathan? No, leviticus, that's it, not the book of Leviathan. However, we should be reading from that one.
Natalie:Oh, give me two. Mind you, I have my Bible in front of me.
Cris:Yeah, the famously visual media of podcasting. Natalie has shown us her Bible and imagine, like a standard size, like kind of soft cover, is a little bit larger than a standard size Bible, right, but it looks like a post-it note factory exploded in the pages. It is so heavily annotated. I think there's more Post-it than page.
Jack Violently:It looks like a Staples office supply store, threw up on your Bible. It is amazing and I love it.
Natalie:It's a little bigger because it has note-taking uh margins in it. And, mind you, I was not a satanist when I did this project. I was just like, I guess, an atheist. At this point I was just like I don't believe in this stuff anymore, but I I'm researching it. I think it's interesting. There's so many things in here. That's just like what the fuck is happening. It's like like if I ever I can't go back. Do you know how much sacrilege is in here? Goodness, okay, so leviticus 1928 not, not.
Cris:You are not sorry, my bad oh, no, no, not leviathan it's sad I think it's 33 about the foreigner oh, we're on the foreigner. Sorry, I was on tattoos oh yeah, yeah, we can, we can talk about that one yeah, we can lead into in whichever one oh, there's.
Natalie:Leviticus has some weird shit in it, uh, but the tattoo one is you are not to make gashes on your body for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourself. I am the lord. Uh, he says that.
Cris:He just kind of like finishes sentences with that sometimes just gotta let everybody know he talks about himself in the third person let's go for it, right like the, the whole thing with the tattoos thing, and especially because, like, in different translations of the bible you'll see it worded differently, like uh.
Cris:I think king james says uh, you shall not make uh marks, or you're not not make cuts or marks on thy body for the dead, or something like that. Um, I take that as um. As far as I know, I am not a historical scholar on this and I'm definitely not a scholar on the mourning practices of 2000 years ago, right, but we can see in other, even modern, called modern day, cultures where the act of mourning one's dead is a very physical action. Rending the clothes, um, rending the clothes, um, and I've heard, I've read that back then it was not uncommon for cutting, cutting the skin as a mark for the dead, right and like.
Cris:There's a lot of things in leviticus that, if you just take it on the context of what was happening at the time, were actually pretty good ideas, right, you know, obviously, if you cut your, cut your body, back then we didn't have antibiotics. Right, there's a, there's a chance you could die from that, right, yes, like all sorts of shit, right. And then like some of the, the food, the food aspects in leviticus, the laws of kosher, like if you take it on the context of history, you know, you can see like at some point in time they would have figured out that if you prepared food in this way or didn't treat a food item in a specific way, you would get sick, right. So you can look at parts of Leviticus as like the first food safety regulations and you know, couching it in that religion is what, like I guess, how they enforced it, I suppose. But there's other parts of it that make literally no sense. And then we get into the, the parts where modern Christians, especially American Christians, go completely heretical and in their hypocrisy.
Cris:Yeah, so, natalie, if you want to take that one away, at verse 33 33 to
Natalie:34 it
Natalie:says when a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner resides among you must be treated as your native born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in egypt.
Jack Violently:I am lord, your god again, once again has to remind you, in case you forgot, from five passages ago he's got to put that weight on it I love this one because this will let you know and there are many cracks in the armor of modern Christianity and Christian nationalism to where they don't really walk it like they talk it. If they are treating this book as holy writ, as they think it should be, when a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them In today's world. Who is the foreigner residing in our land? It is our neighbors to the south Mexico. No, but those are the dangerous people bringing fentanyl and rape with them. Shouldn't mistreat them. Treat them the same as your native born. Are you talking about your neighbor that way?
Jack Violently:And another thing that I think about this is you know, treat your like.
Jack Violently:Love your neighbor as yourself. You know that type of thing, natalie, you would know more about this, but this is a thought that I've had, that I have said in other podcasts. What I believe that they meant was you know, love your neighbor as yourself is not so much the person living next to you, because back in the day, you could leave the city walls and travel five miles and you could find a group of people who spoke a different language, held different customs, worship different gods just the way it was back then what I think that that passage meant was not love the guy living beside you in town, but love the people living around you, like your neighbors. So, to that end, if Christian nationalists want to live it like they, like they, talk it, treating like Mexicans, with with, with love and care, rather than blaming like fentanyl and rape on them, build the wall, send them back, deporting people. You should be loving your neighbors. Um, would I be too far off the mark in assuming that that's probably what that passage meant?
Natalie:I think you're correct with that, honestly, because this was a different world when Leviticus was written. It was a whole different world. A lot of these things, like you were saying the food ones probably is because they learned that if you don't do it like if you cook this thing, there's a likelihood you're sick, probably because there's not a lot of clams in the desert and stuff like that and you have to be careful and it's just. It was a different world. But the way that people love to pick and choose what they want to believe out of the bible and decide which things are metaphor and which things are word for word, the word of god, is always been really interesting to me that they have this ability, this need to just write off things that they don't feel like doing yeah yeah because,
Cris:and like the the, the apologetics that you'll hear from a lot of, especially american evangelical christians, um, like, let's take their, their hatred of, uh, of not straight people right and they'll. They'll say, like, oh, the bible says gays are are going to go to hell. You know that gays are to be hated or cast out or whatever. And and the same breath then they'll say but we follow the New Testament. Okay, but you're getting all of that shit from the Old Testament, right, right, it's so cherry picked and like. If they were going to be intellectually and like consistent in their views, I would be much more okay with them, because if they were intellectually consistent in their views and took the whole of the Bible as writ, they would be perfectly reasonable people.
Jack Violently:Is that gas station Bob in the background speaking up to you?
Cris:No, that's my cat Every time I sit down at the chair to record with y'all. He needs to be on the recording for some reason. He never, ever bothers me, except when I'm in the computer chair.
Jack Violently:He has a voice too and wants to be heard. Let it be known, all right.
Natalie:Bobby Boy's asleep underneath me. He's actually being really nice. Before we signed on here, he was biting my ankles, so I was worried that he was going to continue. I have a spray bottle next to me that are strategically placed around my apartment because he likes feet too much.
Cris:So he's Quentin Tarantino.
Natalie:Yeah, it's a problem. It's a problem.
Jack Violently:Man. Do we have any others? I think we've pretty much gone over everything in the notes.
Cris:Yeah, I was actually going to ask have y'all heard of what's called the Jefferson Bible?
Jack Violently:Nice. No, I have not. No, have you not?
Cris:Maybe in passing, but not super well uh, maybe in passing, but not super well, the jefferson bible is a really, really interesting book.
Cris:Um, thomas jefferson, one of america's founding fathers, um, we, we have discussed on a uh, I think it's actually the episode just previous to this one about how a lot of our founding fathers were deists and the deist belief in that time was basically yes, there is a God, he created everything, he created us, but as soon as the creation was done, he handed over dominion of everything to us and he was completely hands-off, right.
Cris:So Thomas Jefferson, following some of this deist kind of, I guess, beliefs or whatever, he edited the New Testament of the Bible and took out all of the supernatural, all of the miraculous, entitled it the Jefferson Bible, the life andals of Jesus of Nazareth. So, basically, taking all of the actual good things, like the radical ideas of loving everybody, acceptance and all of this that Jesus taught which was really really radical at the time, to be honest and condensed it down into like a hundred-page book and you can pick up a copy of the Jefferson Bible for a few dollars from most online retailers. Go to your local bookstore. Definitely I support going to your local bookstore and asking them to order you a copy of the Jefferson Bible and just read through it, like reading through that it paints such a picture and it's it's such an uplifting picture of it so you said he took out all these supernatural portions of the bible and, just kind of like, left the meat and potatoes and it was just over 100 pages yeah, something like that uh, natalie, how many?
Jack Violently:just off the top of your head I don't know if you know right off hand or not, like just guesstimate, ballpark it how how many pages are in the Bible.
Natalie:Well, the one I have in front of me, which is the Christian Standard Bible, which is a modern English adaption of the Bible, is 1327.
Jack Violently:1327 pages in the Bible, pages in the Bible, and Thomas Jefferson took out the supernatural woo-woo, the cussing out fig trees and jacking off in the desert, and really just left the good stuff and it's like 100-some odd pages.
Cris:Yeah, and specifically he just took the story of Jesus, like in the New Testament. He obviously left out all of the Old Testament and all of this. But yeah, it's like 100-something pages and conversely, the mass market paperback of the Satanic Bible is like 270-something pages. But a good portion of that was plagiarized from Midas Wright.
Natalie:I could use a good edit. It's like a good removal of the bullshit.
Cris:Let's do a FSS satanic Bible and just take out all the weird shit.
Jack Violently:The Jefferson satanic Bible. It would be a pamphlet, I feel like.
Cris:Yeah, it would be a chick track. It would be a chick track.
Jack Violently:Natalie, I'm going to charge you with that. I'm going to see if you can get that done for us.
Cris:We really need to hire somebody to start writing and illustrating satanic Chick tracks.
Jack Violently:Nice. I think the people at satanic Bay area at one time were selling um satanic Chick tracks and, like I think, on their website like like I don't know, maybe it wasn't them like I remember hearing them talk about it on the show um, but I've seen some before. But yeah, we definitely need to get more out there there was a youtube uh channel a long time ago.
Cris:um, I can't remember the the name of the youtube channel, though, but they took it Just. Jake is the YouTube channel. I just looked it up. All of the chick tracks they did an episode each on. Going through these chick tracks from like an atheistic, atheist perspective and just ripping on them, it is hilarious.
Jack Violently:That's awesome, Absolutely a delight. Well, guys, we've been going for about 54 minutes. What do you say? We kind of wrap this up, kind of the way we usually always do. This is kind of a harken back to the Ave Satanas podcast 1.0, where we would actually add music into the podcast. Now we just like to end every episode. We're just asking our guests you know who are some bands that we're listening to now. Who are we enjoying? We'll let you know. We'll start off with you, Natalie. Is there anything new that you've been listening to that you've really been jamming on.
Natalie:I'm kind of all over the place sometimes because I have no self-control and my music taste depends on my mood. But, um, I'm going to a bunch of shows in the coming month, so a lot of my music has been based around that. So, uh, I guess, in theme with the satanist thing, I'm going to see bridge city, sinners and the devil makes three on friday.
Jack Violently:Um, which is super exciting. Also, huh, this coming up Friday.
Natalie:Yeah, and on Monday actually I'm also going to see Kendrick Lamar, which is super off from those two, and I think the week after that I'm going to see a local metal band called trunk, who is great, way deeply enjoy. If you guys don't know him, I say check them out.
Jack Violently:Right, really running the gauntlet of genres there. Heck, yeah, I dig it See no self-control. Well, spotify premium and no self-control. This is what happens. Yeah, bridge City Center is for sure, chris.
Cris:They're a great group.
Jack Violently:What about you, man?
Cris:I've been turned on by a friend of mine to a smaller band called Trench Lung, t-r-e-n-c-h-l-u-n-g. All one word. He described this band as napalm technical. Napalm death technical.
Jack Violently:All right.
Cris:Like I listened to some of it last night. Um, he was actually at. Uh, I play magic every Friday night at my local game store.
Cris:And he was there. I started talking to him after everything was wrapping up and he's actually the lead singer of a, a local Atlanta band called void eater, which I'm actually going to go see this coming Saturday. Um, so we were talking about music and all that and he was talking about, uh he, they had their, his band had gone on after trench lung had gone on, and he started describing their music as like technical death in the vein of napalm death right. So I listened to the album on the way back home last night and it is amazing. It is just an absolute banger of an album. So, yeah, I've been kind of getting into them. The album is called Hireth H-I-R-E-T-H, so if you want to look that up on Spotify, that would be a great listen. If you like Napalm Death, yeah.
Jack Violently:I've been kind of traveling back to the 90s kind of when my musical taste first started, been getting into some more sharp bands from around that time, but not really of the sharp vein is like the old grunge and metal like Helmet and Tad I think I referenced them last episode Really been jamming on Helmet Like the Crow soundtrack was one of my first ever CDs. That like really expanded beyond just like one band at a time and then the Tonnage compilation was the other. I'll be a Helmet Tad starting to slowly integrate back into the Melvins. They're a hard band to get into but I'm trying. I was a huge Melvins fan when I was a kid, loved them to death.
Cris:But I'm now getting back into some of those old 90s grunge. And didn't they just play Atlanta like a week ago?
Jack Violently:or something.
Cris:They did.
Jack Violently:They were on a tour with Napalm, I believe, and that was the thing when you had told me about that concert. It freaked me the hell out. Natalie, are you familiar with the Melvins?
Natalie:Can't say I'm sorry there.
Jack Violently:So Kurt Cobain referenced the Melvins back in the 90s has one of his favorite bands and they were grunge at the time. They were a bit more sludgy grunge um kind of has a very, very helmet sound to them, but so they were in the grunge vein. So napalm death is absolutely fucking metal there's no other way to describe it. So I lost track of the melvins around 98 99 and I just now started picking them back up.
Jack Violently:when Cris told me that like the melvins were playing with napalm death, I'm like that's a weird fucking ticket, like those two bands shouldn't be together. And I've been listening to the new stuff and sure enough they've kind of merged into this kind of metal-esque but a melvin's metal um thing and it's really interesting. So, um, being a fan of buzzo, the lead singer, and the, the main guitar player guy like I, I love them but I I could not rationalize going to go see napalm death, who I really don't just never had a thing for, but yeah, going back and listening to some of the old 90s uh, melvins and helman, stuff like that I will say I've seen napalm death in concert with behemoth and arch enemy.
Cris:Yeah, it was an amazing show and I really hadn't listened to a lot of napalm before that, and this is a couple of years ago. Yeah, um, I've really gotten. They put on an amazing show. So our listeners out there, if you like that style of go catch Napalm Death, if they're going to be anywhere near you, it's well worth your ticket price.
Jack Violently:Well, guys, it has been a lot of fun. Natalie, I appreciate you coming on and sharing your advanced knowledge of the Bible with us and showing us your annotated versions and all the Bible of many colors, with all the post-its strung throughout. It's been a lot of fun.
Cris:Now you just need to decorate it with four skins.
Natalie:Yes, oh, fantastic.
Jack Violently:It could look like the weird Army of Darkness. What was it? The Necronomicon or something Just looks like make a pentagram of four skins on your Bible. Oh, okay, we're getting in the weeds here, oh God, we're getting in the weeds here.
Jack Violently:God damn it. Listen here, cheese balls. We're really glad you've been listening to the Ave Satanas podcast. Thank you so much for sticking with us. Shoot us an email if you have an idea for a show you want to hear about, and also, if you're in the Philly area go hit up Hail Philly. They're the best satanic organization in Philadelphia. You should definitely check those guys out. They do a lot of good. We will have a link to their Discord server as well in the show notes, but until next time, Hail Satan and Hail Thyself
Intro/Exit Music:Well, let's go. Satan, Satan, Satan, our lord and master.