Ep. 019 – College Dropout (George Washington University, 1997–98)

Brian gets a wee bit emotional while talking about the end of high school, getting into, and ultimately leaving George Washington University.

Transcript

Intro & school

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, let's do this. I'm Brian Haugen. I'm the host of this podcast, Dans tous les sens, which translates to In Every Direction or In Every Sense. It's kind of a wordplay in French. This is the first episode that I'm doing alone in English. I've done two episodes, two solo episodes so far, but they were both in French. So far, out of 18 episodes, I've only had one in English with uh Daniel San Jose, videographer extraordinaire, director of photography, my wingman in a documentary I'm working on right now. So I'm doing this episode in English. It's stream of consciousness. So I had a couple ideas of what I could talk about, but I'm just gonna go with the flow and try not to edit edit anything out.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

In all directions, in todos los sentidos.

Ecolint

Teenage depression

College applications & new start

George Washington University

Logic hits the fan

Dropping out

SPEAKER_00 1:04

So yes, let's jump into one of the themes I um I wanted to talk about today, and that's college, college life. I figured since I'm doing this in English, um it could be interesting to talk about my college years that were in English in the US. Uh living in the US is you know it was uh part of uh part of my timeline. Um I was born in the US in Minneapolis. Um always feel great pride. Um, you know, that connection that I have with Prince. Like it's like, yeah, Prince and Brian Hogan are from Minneapolis, you know, it's pretty cool. Um and uh but I don't remember living there when I was a kid because my my parents had moved from Geneva to to Minnesota. Uh I think it was well, probably in 1977, and my brother was uh a toddler. Um and um and I was born there, and then they came back to Switzerland to live in Geneva in Switzerland in 1979. So I was only a year and a half. And during the time in the US, um my brother, um was raised in French, and for some odd reason, I guess my dad tried to speak to him or to talk with him in French, and he wasn't very good in French. He could get around, he could he could speak French, but especially in those early years, I probably not, yeah. I don't think his French was great. And and the way that he communicated with my mom was French, is that my dad would speak in English and she would answer in uh in French, or probably the other way around. It's usually my mom who did the talking, and he, you know, he would respond, my mom's a big talker. And um, and that's how they operated. And and so my brother Ollie, he would watch Sesame Street in the morning, he'd wake up early, I think he put he changed his own diapers, and um yeah, and he watched Sesame Street, and I and I think if I remember the story that one day my dad like you know like says goodbye or something, and he said like uh bye dad or uh hi dad. He like he starts basically my brother, he was like I don't know, two, two years old. He um yeah, he just he's the one who started to speak English with uh with my dad. So good for him. And uh so that by the time I came around, well, I they continued this. My dad would speak to me in English, and so so uh yeah, so that's how I became bilingual. And um French always came more naturally, but um I feel that that I have a bit of an accent in when I speak English, and I know that my and I'll get back to the college, that my friends in the US sometimes would look at me like, what, what did you just say? Because I I guess I mostly have an American accent, but then some words or some expressions are off kilter or like just different, and so it's weird to have somebody who's who just seems and sounds like a native English speaker and who kind of is like suddenly not be able to say a word. Um can't think of a word that I don't really know that well, it's gonna happen during this episode. I have these brain farts, and uh there are times that I just forget what you know what word to find in English, and I have to say it in French like I did previously, and the other way around. So there's a lot of anglais going on. Um before my dad married my mom, he he had a first wife, Jean, and had two daughters, um Virginia, who we called Dina, and uh Lucia. And I just got a mess. Oh, uh just Lucia texted me like, isn't that crazy? Connection, cosmic connection, just talking about her. So so um my sisters are technically my half-sisters, so from my from my dad's side, and um both their parents were American, so they grew up uh speaking English, but they they both um speak French. Anyway, I'm gonna get to the college. Um so so I lived in the US uh as a baby, then came to Switzerland, um you know, bilingual. I did preschool kindergarten in English, and then I went into the Swiss system and so in French. Then I went to the International School of Geneva Ecolente when I was um 10 years old, nine, yeah, almost 10, uh, in fourth grade. And uh our parents um put us in at Ecolens because I was struggling in the public system. My teacher was a bitch, Madame Romanons, uh racist uh racist uh like angry hippie. I love hippies, uh flower power, um, you know, one love, but she was like um and she was just racist and um and just mean. And um and yeah, I struggled. And actually then we I went to another school, and I it was one of those I think it's not Steiner, but it's it's all right, anyway. So I always knew that I wanted to go to college in the US. Um, we'd go to the US, mostly Minneapolis, um sometimes in the summers when I was younger almost every year, and then um, you know, and then like for two years we didn't go, and then suddenly three years. I remember there was a moment where we hadn't been in four years. And I have all my cousins um and my aunts um in the US, and and at the time my my grandparents, and um so it always felt like when we'd go to Minneapolis that it was like a part of me that uh had been away from me, but I was very attracted to the US and and sports and American sports, and I loved baseball and basketball, so I rooted for the Minnesota Twins, the the Timberwolves, the Vikings, um all of that, all those teams, and and it was like dreamland the US for me. Um, I just loved it, and so I always knew that I just wanted to have like that college life that you see in movies and on TV shows, the campus, uh the partying, the sports, um, all of it. In high school, um my brother, who was two and a half years older and he was three grades uh above me, um, he was um you know, he was like best in class, the the yeah, he was just very, very good in school. And um he got into Harvard. So um, so that was like really, really exciting. Um, you know, my dad initially went to Yale and then transferred to the University of Minnesota. He didn't like his experience at Yale, and then my brother goes to Harvard, and I wasn't as good a student. Um, so I wasn't gonna get into Harvard, and I um I put a lot of pressure on myself. Um, I did not know at the time that I had ADHD. Um and I think that really played a role in in um my struggles in school. Um, I could get around. I um in, you know, I could do very well in some subjects, um some classes, and then not, you know, like really not well in others, but I bullshitted a lot. Uh actually, one of my teachers, Dr. Elfie, once called me and Ilius, my friend Ilius, bullshit artists. He said, We were bullshitting, you know, like a misassignment and like with a conjugated story, and just looked at us and said, Oh yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, you're such bullshit artists. Uh, Dr. Elfie was great. I love Dr. Elfie. He, well, that's another story, but yeah, yeah. He really um he's probably the first teacher to really make me feel like I could do something with my life that uh where I could be really good at something. And that was filmmaking. Um, you know, doing home movies and it smells like something burned. I don't know. The house is not on fire, but anyway, so college. Um and uh and then when it was it was time to apply to college, I at when I was 17, so in 12th grade, at the end of 12th grade, so senior year in high school, I was doing the IB, the International Baccalaureate, um, which is uh goes an extra year, basically. And uh and the intention was always to go up to the IB and to you know take the IB. And then if I pass, uh it it allows for credits for college, so you can pretty much skip a year of uh college if if you have good grades in the IB. And uh I was struggling. I was really struggling um with about half of my classes. I did well in I did well in French and French literature, um, I did well in English, um and like geography, but I sucked at math, uh, chemistry and history. I I it it really like I did well when I with one teacher and then I wouldn't do well with another teacher. And a lot of it was because of the attention. The way that the way that things were were taught really influenced my ability to grasp what was being taught or not. And I was fucking incapable to read textbooks and to memorize anything from textbooks. I just I sucked at it. So it was important for me to understand what was going on in class, and when there was chaos in class, uh, which was the case in our math class, with uh you know, with some of my classmates just acting like spoiled brats. Um yeah, it I couldn't understand. And um in 12th grade, I I realized that I was struggling in math and um and I tried to focus, I tried to to to focus, but these like especially like four classmates who I you know to this day I appreciate and and sometimes we're still in touch, and but in in in those moments I just couldn't stand them. And it was at the very beginning of cell phones, and they had cell phones, and they were like, you know, on their cell phones in class. I just like I fucking lost it once. Uh, I just had a huge tantrum, I insulted them, I uh I just lost it. Um and it was mayhem, and uh and then uh then I was just so upset that um the next day I didn't go to school and uh and then I didn't I didn't return into class for a very long time. I sank into depression and I felt like I wasn't going to be able to pass my IB to take the exams. I was certain that I would fail. And at the time I was um terrorized with adult life. Like I was afraid of the working world. I I was afraid that I would not be able to work and uh yeah, just uh, you know, the vision that I had at work at the time was well an office job. Um, you know, my dad was uh was a broker and he had his own business, but I saw how how the toxic uh environment of um of business and of stock markets and all that shit, the way that clients and and co-workers, the way that they spoke to each other, like I just saw how toxic it was and how it affected his mood and affected our lives in a negative way. And um so I really did not I could not envision a job that where I'd be happy, and I did not think that I could do anything creative, it just it it did not seem like the path, like a possible path. Um, I think if I looked around me, a lot of my classmates, you know, they wanted either to become doctors or businessmen or lawyers or normal jobs in a way. And and then the art students were more like the um, they were you know sort of in in their own category and uh that impression that they're a bit like the you know the failed bunch. And um so yeah, it was difficult. And the filmmaking thing, and thanks uh to Mr. Dr. Elfie, um yeah, suddenly at around 16 years old, maybe I had this like uh glimmer of hope that I uh I could get into filmmaking. But at the time there was no video online, we didn't have the internet, or it was the beginning of the internet. So careers in in movies and in film and television were like everything that I read about it said, well, if you want to become like a struggling uh artist and have to wait tables and not make money, uh, you know, do filmmaking. So the chances uh also I felt that I was late in learning the process and and that I wouldn't be able to achieve this, I wouldn't be able to be a filmmaker. Um, I also was frustrated because I didn't know how to play any instruments, I loved music, but I was uh at an early age, um just believed that I was incapable of learning an instrument um or to sing correctly. So I was good at sports, I was very good at sports uh until you know until about 16 when I on my basketball team. Well, physically I was I I you know I was a point guard, I was short, it's the most competitive position, and um and where I was like previously a captain and and a starter and and had a lot of playing time, well suddenly in my teens teens I was warming the bench. Um so my confidence was at an all-time low. I was extremely shy. Um I it was very difficult for me to talk to girls. Um by the time I hit 1415, I was more comfortable uh around them. And I was I was a pretty popular kid. I I wasn't I didn't I never felt like I was sort of in the cool gang, but I I could fit in in any of the groups, um which is why my classmates like um designated me as the uh class delegate. So that was cool. Actually, it's funny because the day where they decided who would be the class delegate, I wasn't in class that day. Uh I had like crazy absentee. I was just so anxious and nervous that some days I just could not face going to school. And I would tell my parents that I'm sick and they didn't push me. So I spent a lot of time at home, and then uh and then it was harder and harder to come back after one day, two days, three days missing class. I just like fucking so scared to go back to class and felt like I was gonna be behind even more, and and um it just sucked. It just sucked. I was a miserable fuck. But I had friends, uh, I had a lot of friends, and and I have good memories, you know. I I have good memories of my friends, of ski camps, uh they still remain my friends. We we we still have like a solid group of friends from my um my teenagers. So but coming back to the college thing, um basically I did not finish 12th grade, I did not pass the end of year exams, but my teacher were really cool and uh allowed me to retake the exams in September. Um so basically, I think I just pretty much skipped the month of June or maybe mid-May. I think it was mid-May. I think I missed six weeks of school, and I was at home. I uh I was 17. I I locked myself in my bedroom. I remember drawing my silhouette uh with a knife pointing at me like as if I'm stabbing myself, and I had like painted blood, and and I listened to a lot of Metallica, um a lot of Fate to Black. I was just miserable. I was depressed, uh, I I had sleep issues, and the moments where I felt more relaxed were in the evening or at night, or when I wasn't facing reality, sort of when everything's quiet, that's that's when I felt more um at ease and comfortable. Uh and my dog is starting to snore, and that sucks. But anyway, um I was lucky that I had a lot of support from my family, from my friends, um, and from my teachers. And um, and it got me through 12th grade. So um once I was able to do those retakes and you know, and pass basically, and you know, complete 12th grade, uh I was able to apply to colleges. I I don't remember, did I re no, I didn't, I I don't think I returned to school that year. I think I just took a year off, basically. It seemed it's crazy to me actually. I think just my parents did not know how to deal with my depression, and I don't know if it would have changed anything for them to push me or I don't know what, but it it's I I was at home. I was just at home and um and struggling. And uh thinking of my friends who were getting on with their education and and getting uh you know like a step a step ahead of me um at that at that age, you know, at 17. I already felt like I was a step behind and that I was left out. Uh but um I was able to apply to colleges and when it was time to choose to pick a uh you know pick schools, uh we bought uh with my friend Raf uh the Princeton Review with I think it was the 300 best colleges in the US or something like that. They had some you know some rankings and categories from surveys of which were the party schools, which the the male-female ratio, the like uh a lot of surveys, the the the time spent on doing homework. And out of all of this, I I handpicked uh five schools. Um it was NYU. At NYU, I applied to the film school there, and uh which at the time uh was considered the best one. Um and then I applied at Tufts, um Carlton College in Minnesota, um George Washington University in Washington, DC, and Emerson in uh Boston. Uh Emerson I think would have been a good fit because it was a liberal art school but with uh a focus on on TV, uh media, multimedia, TV production, stuff like that. I think that would have been a good fit, but it was not ranked really high in that Princeton Review, so I didn't feel like you know, I felt like it's not a good enough school. I can do better, I can get into Tufts, I can get into George Washington. And I was surprised when I mean it was nuts because at the time, you know, we'd mail in our applications, there were a lot of forms, I had to write essays. Um I had almost no help. I think my brother probably proofread my essay. Uh no, he did, yeah. He proofread my essay, I remember. And I think my essay was pretty good. It was about leadership, and I uh uh I don't know, I was annoyed at the time with books about leadership. I was like, well, you know, you're a leader or you're not. Like uh books shouldn't be able to tell you how to be a leader, and I I was able to bullshit my way with that topic, and and I think that's what enabled me to get into George Washington University, GW, which at the time was ranked uh at least on the Princeton Review as the 50th best college. So I was like, yeah, top 50. Excellent. I can get into a top 50 school. Uh Tufts, I was on the waiting list. I don't know how. Um Carlton, I was on the waiting list. Emerson, I got in and they offered a grant. I was just like stunned that uh I remember getting the letters we you know, received a pack at home. It wasn't online at the time. And you basically knew that if you got like um a small uh small letter that it was like thin with just one page, that it was a rejection letter, but that if you received uh a large letter and pretty heavy, it that meant that you were accepted. And I got the only school I was rejected from was in NYU. But uh Tufts, I because I was on the waiting list at Tufts and because it was the best ranked school out of the ones that out of the ones where I was either on the waiting list or accepted, I figured that should be my number one choice. So um I decided to do campus visits and uh and so I planned a trip. Um by then I was like 18, I think, and planned a trip to the US and go to Boston, stay with my brother at Harvard um for a bit, visit Tufts. Um I did not visit Emerson. I do not know why I didn't visit Emerson. Uh Emerson, I think I just like just felt that it wasn't a good enough school for me. It's so stupid. Um, and then uh I flight to DC to visit George Washington University, and I did not pursue Carlton because in the Princeton Review it was listed as one of the schools where there's the most homework. So it was basically between Tufts and GW, George Washington University. And I visited Tufts, it was like fucking raining. My parents did not come with me. I uh I was alone. Uh I'm still a bit upset uh with them about that, you know. Um for them not uh, especially with the the shit I had been I went through just to go alone to the US and you know take a bus, find tufts, get lost, arrive late, no cell phones, I was drenched, I didn't have uh I didn't have an umbrella. I arrived at the office, the counselor's office. So our our school, our high school counselor had like arranged a meetup, and uh, I mean it was a fucking disaster. Um I it it yeah. I had no strategy, I had no plan, I wasn't it wasn't the right fit for me, and I and I think the rain didn't help, but I was not impressed by the campus. You know, I didn't get it like a good student vibe thing, and I think actually the weather must have played a big part in that. But I could tell that it wasn't gonna work out. Um and then I went to DC. Oh, and during that time I stayed with my brother at Harvard, and I think he was a sophomore, a junior, and he by then he was like well established in in college life. He was part of the Harvard Den and Dinantonics, so the a cappella um group, which is uh not many people get into the Harvard Dinantonics, and and my brother got in. I got to see him with with his roommates, with his friends to see that he was popular, that that the Harvard Den and Tonics were like selling out shows and in the auditorium and students going, you know, just like all these happy, smart college kids. And at one point there was like tea in one of the halls or something, and um I felt like a complete idiot because they were all so smart, so well spoken. I did not, I couldn't mingle. I did not like I was younger and I wasn't as smart, and I was like, fuck. Um I'm just I can't fit in. I won't be able to fit in. But then I I went to Washington DC and um I went to George Washington University. It was a beautiful day. It was like April, I think, uh, April, May. It was sunny. Um and students were like on the lawn and chilling, and it it was like a fairly small campus uh in the city, but you know, maybe like square six six blocks on six blocks, and just like student life. And I was too shy and afraid to take the official tour. I don't know why. Uh so I gave myself a tour, and um I just wandered and and you know, kind of looked at the dining hall and uh peeked at the the the outside of the dorms and looked at the students and you know, like a lot of girls, and it just it just felt like a good vibe, and I could I could envision myself there. And you know, it was like it also it I did not know what I wanted to study. I wanted to study film, but I I was rejecting the notion that I could study that and and have a career in in film, and so that I had to find a middle ground. And so liberal arts, and in high school I was pretty good in philosophy, and I liked philosophy, so um I decided I'd be a philosophy major. Why not? I think when I got the confirmation that I was didn't get into Tufts, or maybe even before I got it, I just said, okay, I'll go to GW. Seems like a good school, and I'm gonna be heat happy there, and it's gonna be a reset. And uh the moment where I, you know, I got in and I was enrolled, then I felt that like, okay, I'm my life can be okay. I could this this can be good. I could I had hope again, and I was excited to live in the US, to have the dorm life and everything. I go to DC late August. There was orientation week, so they had uh separated orientation week um in five weeks, and I was on the last batch because I lived abroad, so it made more sense for me to do the last week of orientation and then um transition into school year. Uh orientation was uh like a fucking different world for me. It it, you know, like the American, like, hey, I'm Josh, I'm gonna be your RA, and like the all those vibes, and I I you know I liked it, but it was it was weird. It was weird to me. And then um made friends pretty quickly. Uh I was in a freshman uh dorm, Thurston Hall. It was like I think there was a thousand students there. Most like 80% of freshmen were in that dorm. It was a former hotel, it was a square. Uh there were like 36 rooms per per what? Um uh eth per floor. I was on the seventh floor, uh nine or I don't remember seventh floor corner corner room, room 7 Eleven, 711, two bunk beds, and I met my roommates. First one that I met was Zach, Zach Adams. Um, and good like good first encounter, just seemed like a nice guy, well polite. Um, you know, just seemed like a a good kid, kind of uh not shy, but there was, you know, there was something about him that that I don't know. I I I thought we would get along. Um then TJ, so TJ had a tattoo. Uh he was kind of a scene like a little bit like white trash. Sorry, TJ, if you're listening to this, but it was my first impression. Clever white trash, you know. Um, or I shouldn't say white trash, Trump voter, and I do think that he votes for Trump. And then the last roommate was Matt. Matt Elzweig. Uh, shout out Matt, if you're listening to me. Matt, I got along with also right away. Uh, there was a weird dynamic between the four of us where I was sort of the neutral guy, but like I got along with everybody, but uh Zach would get on my nerves for some reason. I don't know. I don't know why. And so I became closer to TJ and to Matt, but TJ and Matt did not get along well, and none of us got along with Zach, I think. Um it was just weird, but I um yeah, I loved college live. There were like on our floor, we had like more than a hundred students, doors were open all the time. Right next to our corner room was another corner room with six, uh it was a bigger room with six six students, six girls. Uh, I was trying to remember their names. I know there was Abby Taylor, Sarah. Um Abby Taylor, Sarah. I like I don't remember the others. I remember them. I don't remember Ashley. Okay, whatever. And they were it was cool because they were like our buddies, you know, because we had both of our rooms were like right next to each other, and that we'd hang out in that corner. They they became our buddies, and it was it was very interesting. That the whole floor and and the the whole hall, you had these groups of these, you know, yeah, like these groups, these uh these bundles of students, and and really the the physical, the geography of where our rooms were and where we'd hang out kind of defined who we hung out with. And what I also remember from GW was people smiling all the time. You you you you know you you smile in the elevator, there's laughs, there's there's just this this great atmosphere. There were no cell phones then, there was a computer lab on the ground floor, and spent some time there, and it was just yeah, it was just great. There was a basketball team, they were good at the time. We'd see the basketball games, men, men and women, frat parties. We were we were uh what is it called? Approached by the nerd fraternity. Um, because the first, you know, when it was time to just try to go to frat parties, which was the only way to drink as an underage, um we looked at the nicest house and and it was the nerd, the nerd fraternity. So yeah. But uh yeah, those first first couple weeks, really great. And then shit happened. I uh I was taking five classes, and one of them was philosophy, uh it was logic, and I always I still feel that I'm a very logical person and I like logic, and I always did really well in in logic tests, like in you know, in those evaluation or IQ tests, all the logic questions I usually do well, but logic and philosophy, not quite the same thing. And the teacher sucked, and I didn't understand, and it and also I I wasn't familiar with the American system way of teaching the curves, the grades, the I I didn't I did not have the codes, so I didn't do well in geography. I was always good in geography, I fucking sucked. My first semester, I had five grades: A, B, C, D, and F. I had an A in French, but it wasn't even an A, it was an A- in French literature or reading conduit or something, and I still, as like a French native, I still managed not to get an A. Um, I don't remember what I had a B in um English lit or whatever it was. I had an F in logic, so great, philosophy major. I failed the first class. I had a D in geography, might have been a D plus, and I don't remember what the other class was, but uh yeah, I I was failing. And and my roommates were getting like A's and B's, huge problems sleeping. Um, I just could not sleep, so I'd stay up all night, hang around in the building, watch TV in the TV lounge. I don't know what I did, but I struggled, and then I slept in the morning when my roommates would go to class when I was alone. I think that's when I was able to sleep. And uh yeah, I you know, at one point I saw a counselor, but I I didn't know what office hours were. I didn't like I didn't I did not know how to to be a college student at that time. I did I did not like and back home things weren't going well between my parents and my dad's financial situation was going to shit. My mom um had a drinking problem, and I could sense that things weren't going well at home, and uh and then when it was time to uh pay for tuition, my dad wasn't able to pay for tuition on time, so I had that also hanging over me, and so the the depression came back. Um at Christmas, uh I had like three weeks or a month that that Christmas, so it must have been 1990. Like I remember I turned 20, so 1997. I turned 20, 1997. Um, then go back home. At that point, I think I was ready to drop out, and uh I gave it another shot the next semester and uh went back, it was January 11th, I remember, uh 1998, and uh Vegas' birthday, Vegas de Tonani. Um and again, I uh I tried and I failed. And uh by then my my roommates and the friends that I had made were aware that I had mental health issues and that I I was on the verge of uh of dropping out, and I remember feeling a lot of support. Um, from these kids that just met, basically. And um and one day, uh the day I decided to drop out was the last day basically it was the last day where um we could get a partial refund because it was very expensive, it was an expensive college and I didn't have any um grants or anything. So I figured with my dad's situation and the fact that I was failing that if at least I can drop out before uh the cutoff date of where you know it's like maybe you get 25% uh reimbursed, or maybe it was 50, I don't know, to if you pass like week eight eight and you you haven't dropped out, then you're you know, you have to pay full tuition. And um and so I dropped out, and I remember when I it was like March, early March, and when I um when I told uh my roommates and my friends, um, and I remember like telling the the group of girls, the six girls um who of room 710, and we had a long conversation about it, and and one of the girls, Taylor, was trying, she was telling me, Brian, you're gonna regret it. This you're gonna regret it. You can you can do this, there's resources, don't drop out, and uh and by then my my decision was made, and also I just I I just felt incapable of of of passing, you know. Um but um afterwards I had this discussion and they you know they all spent a lot of time talking with me and trying to change my mind, and and afterwards, I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I I overheard them. Uh I was in the hallway and I could hear them talking about me. Like half an hour later, they were talking about me. And Taylor was was was telling the other girls that I I was making a huge mistake, and and then Sarah or some other girl was saying, yeah, but you know, he's he's like he's from Switzerland, he's not from here. It's different. There's other you know, there's other things, and and then yeah, I think they even talked about my you know my depression, and it it was like and um and my friends, the friends that I had made, and there were like a good dozen friends, they um for my last day, March 10th, they uh decided that uh to take me out, and they knew that I loved ribs, so they picked a rib joint and a group of maybe a dozen people. Um, Tommy, Tommy Goodwin, John, John Spaziski, uh, my roommates Matt, um Zach, TJ, uh Sarah, some you know, some some of the girls, and just like a good group of people, and we we went out, and I remember feeling happy that evening, and we had a good time, and I felt just that uh camadri. See, there we go. That's the word in English I can say camadery, camaraderie. So um, so that was that, and then the next morning I had a cab and it was March 11th, um, 1998. And I remember the date because it's March 11th is my godson and nephew's birthday, Will. So I remember that that date stuck, and actually, my my son, Sam's birthday is March 11th. So March 11th is like it's a special day. But I remember being in the in the cab, and all of my friends had come out saying goodbye. I think maybe a couple of of them were even tearing up. I remember, you know, Matt hugging me and I I think it I think in the very moment I don't I I don't remember exactly what I felt, but I remember I was in the taxi and I looked out, and these 10, 12 friends, college uh buddies were waving goodbye, and TJ and John Spaziski like mooned me. So that's the image that I have is that these friends smiling, saying goodbye, some of them, you know, maybe you know tearing up, and and off I went to Dallas, Dallas Airport and back home. And um I'm pretty sure I cried in the car, but I felt in the moment that this was the right thing to do. Um so it sucked, but yeah, I guess that's my college dropout story, and I'm not gonna continue because I I didn't think I would get this emotional. Uh I think I will still share. I I'm I do feel a bit self-conscious with trauma dumping and just talking about myself, and but uh I think it's also why I'm doing it because it's sort of a talk therapy and with myself and then putting it out there. Um I don't know. It's just a hobby of mine, I guess. And and yeah, today uh today's just a weird day. Um but I won't get into it. Just been through a lot of highs and lows lately, really hit a low point yesterday. Um just got out of a very toxic relationship that was fortunately very short-lived, but it was very ugly. And um and today I feel okay um about it. But you know, highs and lows. But voila. That's my college uh dropout story. Um I I didn't you know I didn't know where this was gonna go. I actually I wanted to talk about well, I I guess I'll do a second part, but about how I bounce back, and uh and that's a happy story. Um, so so that's it. Um thanks for listening, and uh yeah. Talk to you soon.

SPEAKER_01 49:23

In all directions, in those sentidos.