Stuck between exploding and building resentment

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Welcome back everyone to another episode. We're talking today about continuing to talk about anger, frustration. Um, a lot of people want to know what to do. This is majority of the the clientele, the people I'm speaking to are struggling with anger, with being frustrated. We downplay it, we water it down. It's not anger, it's frustration, it's I'm annoyed, it's I'm triggered. We're dealing with anger, chaos is something that plagues a lot of relationships. And if you just come to terms with it, you can eventually feel good about yourself and in the relationship. So, another point about anger today that many people tell me and they get stuck. They get stuck in between extremes. The extremes are, well, I want to stop. I don't want to lash out and say horrible things to my spouse. I don't want to, and many people are embarrassed what they said and did physically, women also. Many people are embarrassed what they said and did, or what they're into, silent treatment for for days or weeks. Um, many people are embarrassed and they don't want to do that again. So they tell me, Well, I can't suppress it, I can't just keep quiet. And if I do, then it's burning inside, and then I build this resentment, and then where did I go with that? So people that are struggling with anger are stuck many times with these two extremes. Uh, understandably, you have this burning inside of you, this emotion that you cannot even explain to someone. And it it needs to go somewhere. It's either I keep it in and I I get really, really frustrated, and I build this resentment and it eats me up, or I let it out, I release, and then I don't feel good afterwards, but at least I don't have that resentment, that frustration. Um, so what do we do? So it's important to understand that that's very extreme black and white thinking. Not I don't say thinking, it's not not thinking, it's black and white feelings. It's uh I'm stuck here in the middle. And I do believe that there's two things to mention today of one is practically speaking, and one is uh um just a little bit of understanding, a little bit perspective on this issue. For your relationship, forget about how you feel and what's more conducive for your emotional health. That's that's a separate topic. But what's more conducive for your relationship, I don't know if many people are gonna tell you this, but it's more conducive to not yell and to not scream, not say anything, to build the resentment and to be frustrated. I know people don't tell you, oh, don't be resentful, that means I don't understand anger. But keeping it in is definitely healthier and safer for the relationship that you don't say very awful things. And uh that's just point number one. It's it's much better. It'll be better for your shalom by it. And if you think about it logically, this is think about it logically, either way, you feel horrible, right? If you lash out, you feel horrible and the relationship suffers. And if you keep it in, you feel horrible and the relationship will suffer. The relationship will suffer much more if you're gonna pick, the relationship's gonna suffer much more from lashing out. Much more. Um, just putting that out there, people get stuck with this, like, oh, so I should keep it in. Well, you have two evils and you decided letting it out is better. I don't think that's a decision you made. I think it's just easier to let it out. It feels better, it's my opinion. But if you want to know which one is better and you're stuck in between these two, I think I would tell people, well, until you figure it out, take the option of not saying anything until you figure this out. That's just important for people to understand that when people tell me that they can't control themselves and there are other options to keep quiet, besides for the fact that I have I disagree and there's so much to do in terms of how do I find a happy medium, um, lashing out is definitely not a better choice than keeping quiet. Keeping quiet is is your better option. That's just point number one. The second point, again, one more point before I get to practically what do you do. But the second point is that people will say, Well, I I really, you know, I'm trying. I'm trying to keep quiet. This is for someone who's saying I it's not a choice. I'm trying to keep quiet and I know that's better, but I end up exploding and end up losing. I is I can't even control myself. It's important to understand this. You do have self-control. You can control yourself. I believe most people are not in the category of a total cholen efish that they have zero self-control. I I'm not ready to accept that that most people, again, there are things, there are disorders, yes, there's many disorders out there. Uh, most people are not falling in that category of a disorder. There are people that do, but most people are not. And I do believe you have self-control. And the proof is that you won't behave like this in front of other people. Let's say you're at work or a place that you need to keep your composure or an important place and you're you're set off, you're triggered, whatever that might be, your parents, your in-laws, a job, an interview, whatever it might be, something that's important, interview for your child, school, and you just get triggered, you're not gonna lash out. Most people are not gonna lash out and let loose and just start cursing and and and throwing things. Most people are not going to do that. Why? Because you know that that's not good. You know that it's gonna ruin, ruin your whatever it might be that you're trying to gain here, prospect of getting your child into school, ruining your livelihood. These are important things. You know it's gonna ruin that, so you control yourself. When it comes to marriage, why why don't we make that same equation? It's gonna, it's gonna ruin my marriage. Why, why don't, why are we not making that, putting that two and two together? Well, if I lash out, it's gonna ruin my marriage. Uh why why are we not doing that? Something to really think about. But my point being is that you do have self-control. It's proven that you can control yourself from lashing out when you know that it's important. Um, I don't want to say that your marriage is not important. I don't think that's the the answer of why you're lashing out. I just believe that you became more comfortable. That's all. Uh I think it's irrelevant the this point that I'm mentioning now. But the the real point I want to bring out is that you do have that capability to control yourself. You're just telling yourself I can't when I'm in that moment, it's hard. It's very hard to not control myself. And you don't have the same deterrent as the other situation. So it's a level nine. Let's say level 10 is impossible to control. It's a level nine, it's so much easier to let it out. And okay, so I've done it before, and we move on. But you should understand that no, you this is the same thing as a job interview as all the other things I mentioned. You are destroying yourself and your marriage by lashing out. That's important to keep that in mind. Now, on a practical level, what do I do about getting myself under control when I'm totally I can't think straight? I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but people like to walk away with something practical. In the heat of the moment, most of the time, most of the time, people tell me, uh almost all people that struggle with this, either all the ideas that we give in the moment, gone. My mind is gone, I can't think straight. I'm I'm not even, I don't remember what happened. So it would be ideal to tell your spouse to help you out. Which means tell your spouse, listen, I know that when this happens once a week, it's been happening twice a week for the past 25 years, the past 15 years been happening. It's no secret that this sets me off. When it happens again, not if when it happens again, I want you to help me. I want your help. I need your help. I don't want to lash out anymore. So it would be now everyone has their own specifics in their relationship, it would be ideal to reach out as well. But just giving a framework here, a baseline where you can can base it off of tell your spouse, help me with X, Y, and Z when this happens. And the help could be just understand me. Um, don't respond, don't react. I just need a few minutes. Tell me that you love me. Well, well, everyone gives me all different ideas that work for them. I can't really give us tailor-made advice. But the idea is you're letting your spouse know I struggle with this. Please help me out. And I need this and this at that moment, you think you can do it. It'll be hard for your spouse, it's gonna take some time. But if you're trying to get yourself under control on your own, I've seen with for the most part, people don't have people that are struggling with anger, don't have that much self-control. So it'd be very helpful if you get your spouse involved. Many times they're sensitive, also, so it doesn't make things easier. But if you have someone who is trying to work with you and that you could sense or you know over the years this person's the only one that puts up with my nonsense, then then you're that's the ultimate person to actually implement this idea with you in an interpersonal relationship. Think about this Predashemphasy Yat Shmaya is what everyone for.