Why Smart Women Podcast
Welcome to the Why Smart Women Podcast, hosted by Annie McCubbin. We explore why women sometimes make the wrong choices and offer insightful guidance for better, informed decisions. Through engaging discussions, interviews, and real-life stories, we empower women to harness their intelligence, question their instincts, and navigate life's complexities with confidence. Join us each week to uncover the secrets of smarter decision-making and celebrate the brilliance of women everywhere.
Why Smart Women Podcast
Why do I have Covid ? AGAIN?
What happens when a self-proclaimed impatient person tries to embrace ancient Stoic philosophy? After returning from Bali with an unexpected case of COVID-19, I found myself facing the perfect opportunity to practice what the Stoics preached about controlling what you can and accepting what you can't.
We mentioned Reasons Not to Worry by Brigid Delaney — you can find it on Amazon Australia here.
Proudly sponsored by COUP — helping brands cut through the noise with bold, smart marketing. Visit the http://coup.co website or book a meeting with us at. https://go.oncehub.com/RequestMeeting
Did you not?
Speaker 2:listen to what I just said. I didn't know that I had COVID. You're not listening, oh right.
Speaker 2:I didn't know I had it. You are listening to the why Smart Women podcast, the podcast that helps smart women work out why we repeatedly make the wrong decisions and how to make better ones. From relationships, career choices, finances to faux fur jackets and kale smoothies. Every moment of every day, we're making decisions. Let's make them good ones. I'm your host, annie McCubbin, and, as a woman of a certain age, I've made my own share of really bad decisions. Not my husband, I don't mean him, though. I did go through some shockers to find him, and I wish this podcast had been around to save me from myself. This podcast will give you insights into the working of your own brain, which will blow your mind. I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land in which I'm recording and you are listening on this day. Always was, always will be, aboriginal land, always will be Aboriginal land. Well, hello smart women and welcome back to the why Smart Women podcast.
Speaker 2:Today is Monday, the 11th of August, and I am back in Sydney, australia. I have left the island paradise of Bali behind me. I left Bali and it was, I don't know, I think something like 29, 30 degrees, and I flew back into Sydney yesterday, no night before, and it was 10 degrees, so there's a little shock to the system, but I'm very happy to be home. Hello, david Good morning Hello.
Speaker 2:Hello, dogs were happy to see me. Oh, they were thrilled.
Speaker 3:They were thrilled. I was happy to see you. We're all happy to see me. Oh, they were thrilled. They were thrilled. I was happy to see you. We're all happy to see you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was happy to see you too. Now we've got that out of the way, so that's good we're all happy to see each other Excellent.
Speaker 2:Good, good, good. So I was in Bali and just feeling a little bit under the weather and I just assumed that my feeling under the weather and the fact that my laryngitis was ongoing I don't know what I thought was due to I don't know an ongoing allergenic condition, when in fact I had COVID and didn't know. So got back and thought, oh, just do a test. And I did the test and, lo and behold, I had had COVID the entire time I was there. But, lucky for me, I am pro-vaccine and believe in the science and I had had a vaccine which means it ameliorated how severe the condition was, and I was, you know, I felt a bit crappy but I was all right.
Speaker 3:Could I interrupt you there for a moment? I'm concerned that the way you're telling this story it portrays you as one of those irresponsible people who picks up COVID abroad, doesn't get tested, then gets on an aeroplane, gives it to everybody else on the aeroplane and brings it back into the country.
Speaker 2:I know it does look like that, but it's not the truth, because I am very careful.
Speaker 3:Did you know that you had COVID, did you not?
Speaker 2:listen to what I just said. I didn't know that I had COVID. You're not listening.
Speaker 3:Oh right.
Speaker 2:I didn't know I had it.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:I was sick over there and thought it was just that I had more allergy. I didn't know I had it till I had arrived back in Sydney, because I didn't have any tests.
Speaker 3:Well, shouldn't you have taken a precaution?
Speaker 2:Like what.
Speaker 3:Like to have a COVID test.
Speaker 2:How could I get one? I couldn't get one over there. I thought I was just. I thought I just had my normal allergies.
Speaker 3:What they don don't have. Covid tests in Bali.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I'm the most socially conscious person. If I thought I had COVID, I would have had a test. I didn't think I had COVID. I thought I just had allergies because I wasn't that sick. Also, yes, as soon as I did get back and had a test, I immediately put a mask on and conducted myself in a socially responsible way. Okay, put a mask on and conducted myself in a socially responsible way. Okay. And also, you are most um contagious in the two days prior to symptoms um appearing. Now I've probably now had this for eight days. If I had known, I would have definitely masked up and behaved responsibly. But my point is I didn't know that I had it, because I've just been to the doctor and he said COVID now often just presents as a mild cold. So does that now settle your concerns that I've turned into some sort of monster?
Speaker 3:No, if you're happy with telling that story.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, that's so passive, aggressive.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to think about that.
Speaker 2:No, it's not passive, and you're saying, if you're happy, I've just given you a perfectly reasonable explanation, okay but it's not aggressive.
Speaker 3:I'm just trying to protect you, that's all.
Speaker 2:From what.
Speaker 3:Well, from misunderstanding, I'm worried that people might listen to this story and actually not pick up on the nuances that you have. So you know, carefully described.
Speaker 2:They're good now because I've explained that I didn't know Okay and didn't suspect, Right.
Speaker 3:So you didn't know that you had COVID. You didn't suspect that you had COVID. You came home you thought, oh well, I might as well take the test.
Speaker 2:May as well.
Speaker 3:And lo and behold, lo and behold, lo and behold.
Speaker 2:Lo and behold.
Speaker 3:Lo and behold, you got it. I had it. Okay, yeah, do you still have it?
Speaker 2:Yes, I still have it Okay.
Speaker 2:But I'm no longer contagious. But I think the reason that everyone was safe on the retreat was that everything we did was outside. We exercised outside and we ate outside and we drank outside. So we weren't in a closed environment because nobody else became ill, which was lucky. And another interesting thing about it is that because I didn't know that I had it, I exercised at full tilt and then I got really worried when I realized I did have it because I didn't want to get long COVID. But, um, I've been to the doctor and discussed that health anxiety for you and it's apparently fine, but I didn't know I had it. So if I had known, I probably would have just stayed in bed well, I would have anyway because of trying to quarantine. So I just kept um, sort of ignoring the symptom, whatever it was, and exercised at full tilt, which is sort of funny, isn't it?
Speaker 3:yeah, look, I think one of the truths we have to recognize is that the nature of covet itself has changed, um, that once upon a time, just having that diagnosis meant absolute segregation, isolation, what do you call it? Quarantine, quarantine, yeah, absolute quarantine. And so you've come back into our apartment and while we've been, you know, a little bit cautious, you still sit next to me on the couch and adorably affectionate, adorably affectionate, you know, a little bit cautious, you still sit next to me on the couch, you know. And adorably affectionate, adorably affectionate. And so.
Speaker 3:I guess you know. Number one the nature of COVID, the role of COVID in life has changed, and I think that's partly to do with the fact that so many of us have had one, two, three, four or five vaccinations.
Speaker 2:Well, it's got a massive amount to do with it.
Speaker 3:Okay, it has a massive amount to do with it. And also the other thing is that everybody's experience of COVID is different.
Speaker 2:Well, it itself has mutated, and what the doctor said to me today was I could take the word COVID out of my brain, which I still find a sort of a frightening prospect. He said just in your own brain, just call it a cold, so that you don't get too freaked out by it.
Speaker 3:That's what your GP said to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay, I mean the last time, hang on.
Speaker 2:It can still make people really ill if they're in a vulnerable portion of the population. Yeah. And everyone should be getting vaccinated all the time. That's how we can protect the population.
Speaker 3:I guess that's the thing that I'm banking on. It was a couple of months ago that I had my flu and my COVID jab at the same time, yep.
Speaker 2:Get in there, David.
Speaker 3:And so far I'm not experiencing any symptoms. So far I'm not experiencing any symptoms. So you know it would definitely be about the place, but I don't seem to be getting it.
Speaker 2:It's rampant, apparently it's everywhere. Okay, yeah, and as we know. Oh, by the way, if anybody listening enjoyed my interview with the snarky gherkin, he is going to come back on this week and you'll be able to hear that interview on thursday. Um, I'm interviewing him and my friend who runs a pro-vaccination site called vaccination station and we're going to be talking about, um, just the the ongoing dangers from the people who propagate misinformation, disinformation about the vaccines because they're still out there. A friend of mine posted something today. I was like what are you with this really dodgy study talking about? It was peer reviewed, they're not, and the thing is they're all selling something.
Speaker 3:Hang on. Hang on. What was you say? Your friend posted something. What was the message?
Speaker 2:That vaccines are dangerous are dangerous. They're causing all this damage. And if you deep dive into these so so-called studies, you discover that all of these people that are coming up with this fake data, um, you know all selling. You know hydroxychloroquine, or they're trying to sell ivermectin, or they're selling some supplement.
Speaker 3:Anyway, it's infuriating well as as covert has changed. Um, also, everybody's experience of covert is going to be different. I mean, I remember the last time I had a, a covert diagnosis, and there is no way that I would want that again. Um, because For me, the symptoms were less about the respiratory inflammation and it was more about fatigue. You know, I was absolutely.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you were knocked sideways exhausted while I had it, and I think it took a long time for me to actually, you know, bounce back. Well, I didn't bounce back, I re-emerged from it and so, look, I'm no fan of having the condition. And yet I think you know, in a way of describing the challenge that we still face as the wider community, different people will respond to COVID in a different way. Different people will respond to the vaccine in different ways.
Speaker 2:What do you mean by that?
Speaker 3:Well, I mean some people have had adverse reactions to the vaccine.
Speaker 2:Very rare.
Speaker 3:And very rare, and well we know that. You know this is one of the cognitive flaws that we have. We are much more likely to grab hold of the one or two outlier cases of the vaccine doing wrong and completely forget about the hundreds of thousands of people who have actually been saved or who have had better outcomes because they have had the vaccine.
Speaker 2:And that COVID itself caused problems. But let's not go too deeply into COVID because we're going to be doing that with snarky All right?
Speaker 3:Well, just the one last thing I would mention is that misinformation is not a harmless thing.
Speaker 2:No, no, no no.
Speaker 3:Only last week, a man in the United States, in Atlanta, a 30-year-old man who believed that his vaccination was causing, you know, depression and suicidal thoughts so what did he do? Yeah, he shot up the center for disease control headquarters in atlanta, the cdc headquarters um. A police officer was killed. He was killed as well. Um, we cannot, um, we can't hold this individual entirely to blame, because he's living in a world where people are profiting from misinformation, so it's a tragedy all round.
Speaker 2:It is. It is a tragedy all round, and it's also a tragedy.
Speaker 3:Well, no, it's a different kind of tragedy. Let me do a proper gear change. I am sorry that you didn't have an illness-free experience of Bali. I was really hoping that that was going to be a lovely holiday for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, me too, and it's okay, did you have?
Speaker 3:a good time anyway.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did have a good time and it's interesting that I didn't know that I had COVID, because my mindset was just different around it. Take out the notion that if I knew I had COVID, I would have had to quarantine because I'm responsible. If you take out that notion, if I also knew I had COVID and there was no compulsion on me to quarantine, I still would have had a different attitude towards exercising. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I would have thought I can't do that because I didn't know I had it, whatever was going on with the illness. I just sort of um sequestered it in one part of my brain and understood what I normally did in fact I did more, which is funny, right.
Speaker 3:What you think you can do and what you can do in fact are two different things yeah, and and this is where I think um different people's responses to covet, or maybe it's the particular strain that they've got I think that I got sicker last time because I kept going um, but that wasn't your experience. You didn't know you had it. You kept going. You still had quite a nice time yeah um and um. How are you feeling now?
Speaker 2:oh, I'm all right, just got a bit. You know, I just feel a bit crappy, but no, I'm okay. I have a very, very strong tendency to push through. Yeah, I am not prone to um, to stopping and resting and thinking about how I'm feeling. It's not my resting and thinking about how I'm feeling. It's not my personality.
Speaker 3:Can we sort of unpack that a little bit? Yes, you do definitely have a tendency to push through. In fact, sometimes I think that you're kind of a bit manic. Well, not manic, you're a maniac Sometimes. I think that you should be having a rest and yet you push through. Could you describe, are you aware of, what your thought process is when you encounter a setback? I remember in the last episode we were talking about the goat lady on the plane and how unpleasant she was.
Speaker 2:I turned around.
Speaker 3:You did yeah.
Speaker 2:Very good.
Speaker 3:And you were able to turn that around because you didn't sort of immediately go into being victimized by having to sit next to a Karen on the plane. No, so yeah, what is that? What do you notice yourself thinking that takes your psychology in a positive direction? I mean, you've got a very neat and concise way of describing it. You know, when you say, look, I just you know I have a tendency to push through, but, as we know, tendencies are often the result of a thought process. You know the conversations that you have with yourself and I just wonder if you notice if there is anything cognitive that you do when faced with. You know those little setbacks.
Speaker 2:Like what setback.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean like the setbacks of having to sit next to a Karen on a plane, or the setback of waking up in the morning and not feeling quite as well as you would hope to be feeling when you're on a holiday, when you are challenged by what's going on in your environment. Do you know the way that you think? Do you know what your thought process is that actually helps you to push through?
Speaker 2:Right? Well, I think, interestingly enough, I have been deep diving into stoicism.
Speaker 3:So okay, you've mentioned stoicism. Now I think a lot of people have different definitions or they think about different things when they think about Stoicism. When I think about Stoicism, I think about Seneca who was the philosopher, the ancient Roman philosopher who wrote extensively about a certain way of thinking.
Speaker 2:You know, before Freud, misfortune weighs most heavily on those who expect nothing but good fortune. Yeah, which is sort of right.
Speaker 3:What I love about those old philosophers is that they didn't have mountains of data to back up their ideas. You know you'd have to say that their scientific method was observation, it was reflection, it was interpretation, and they came up with these very powerful perspectives, that kind of shaped sort of I guess you know Western thought and philosophy in ways that have got us to where we are today. So we have Seneca the Stoic You're not talking about those people who just kind of put up with anything.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm not talking about that sort of tendency to go, just sort of sigh heavily.
Speaker 3:Yee-bye-goom.
Speaker 2:And in the face of challenges, just sort of go all right. Well, I've got to just suck it up and get on with it yep, there's a, there's a, there's an absence of agency.
Speaker 2:Um, in in in that, in that thought process, nothing I can do about it, just have to suck it up yeah slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and I have to put up with it all yeah, I mean, I mean, you know, um, I think the word stoic has sort of been flattened and used to describe people who bottle up their emotions, repress their feelings and never cry.
Speaker 3:Well, that's not you.
Speaker 2:And that's not me. I don't bottle up my emotions.
Speaker 3:But you're not irresponsible with the way that you express your emotions.
Speaker 2:Well, I try hard not to be irresponsible with the way I express my emotions. I think I have a long way to go and, as you know, because I have no spiritual leanings at all, I do not believe that there is anything at all overseeing us or organizing our life. I don't think there's a God. I don't think there's a universe. There's us on earth just bumbling along. I think we're just animals, yes, like every, like all the other species yes, yes with very, very sophisticated brain.
Speaker 2:I don't have any um sort of spiritual belief system that can explain my life, which is why I like stoicism and I'm busily reading, uh, bridget delaney's reasons not to worry, which does resonate with me, because the idea that we think we can control way more, yeah, than we can is very appealing to me, because it's very easy to trigger me into being anxious about something like a health issue or a member of my family. Very easy to trigger me into that, and I would really like to do that better, because I think I spend a lot of time ruminating about things that I cannot do anything about, like I'll get it into my head what happens if one of the family gets some terrible disease and then I'll spend time there. It's a completely frigging, pointless mental activity on my part.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, Well, see, no, I think you're throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I think that because you do tend to fixate on everybody's health, then you are very vigorous when it comes to protecting members of the family, making sure that they do get the best treatment, that they get the best attention from the people that we focus on. But I can see how pointless rumination gets in the way. I mean, last time we talked about the placebo narrative of the Stoic gods, you know that it's kind of comforting to think that. You know, maybe the Stoic gods are presenting these things just to challenge us a bit, you know, but we're going to be able to cope with that challenge.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think just down to the very, very basic notions of what can you control and what can't you control, and in Bridget Delaney's book and I would love to get Bridget on the podcast and I will approach her because she's awesome- what's the name of the? Book. Again Reasons Not to Worry.
Speaker 3:How to Be Stoic in Chaotic Times. Goodness me.
Speaker 2:And you know that we can only fully control three things our character, our reactions and, in some cases, our actions but not their outcomes and how we treat others. And that is it. That is the, that is the total sum of what we can control. Um, so I look at, I guess back to your question of. I look at, I guess back to your question of what goes on for me cognitively when, I am presented with a challenge.
Speaker 2:Yes, is I automatically, I think, do think to myself well, what can I do about this? What can I do about this? So the woman on the plane, what can I do about this? Well, I can change my reaction and maybe I can turn this situation around, and I'll do that to a certain point, until I'm tired, and then I won't do it anymore okay.
Speaker 3:So you come home and you discover that you've got covered. What can you do about this?
Speaker 2:I don't do so well with that I don't like being ill. I have very, very bad reactions to it, but like being ill.
Speaker 3:I have very, very bad reactions to it, but if I can keep going, I will. You did seek more information around what the right thing to do is from your GP this morning.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did, I did do that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so you didn't just hope it would go away and suffer in silence.
Speaker 2:You said what am I dealing with here and how should I do everything I can? In actuality, I would I like to have agency over something. I'm a big problem solver.
Speaker 3:I mean I could tell you a little story about you know what can I control and what can't I control. You know, one of the ladies in the um in the apartment block got got very cranky with me oh yeah yesterday because Ryder stood on her foot.
Speaker 3:I think that's that's what got her warmed up. So there we have two examples how you put that thought process into action. You know what are the things that you can't control. You can't control, you know, the mindset and behavior of someone you sit to on a plane, but what you can do is you can control the way that you can communicate with them. You know, and you know, help them emotionally stand down so they're less defended.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because can we control how others act towards us?
Speaker 3:No, no, we can't no.
Speaker 2:How much time do we spend going? I wish you were being a dick. I wish you were different.
Speaker 3:Yep, can I share with you the little metaphor that helps me cope with that? Sure? I think about the behavior of other people now when I'm in a reflective moment, um, as weather it's it.
Speaker 3:You know it's a bit like weather. You can't control the weather. If someone is is is giving you a roasting because they think that your dogs are digging up the garden when they're clearly not, if someone gives you a roasting, you can't control the way that they are thinking or feeling. You know that is leading to that outburst. That's like the weather. But also the good thing about the weather is that it'll probably die down eventually. You know it'll probably abate. And what are the things that you can control? Well, you can put up an umbrella. What are the things you can control? You can move away from somebody who is treating you in an unjust way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's. The problem is we go towards seeking revenge or seeking redress, and then we ruminate why did that person say that? Why are they being such an ass? Why don't they know what I'm like? I'm a really good person. I would never let the dogs do that. And then we're there, which ruins your sense of stability in the course of a day right, yes, yes, yes, like me at the airport.
Speaker 2:I got through customs. It was great. You know I get through customs, get through immigration, get down to the baggage carousel. I knew you were waiting and the bags just didn't come. They just didn't come. Now, I'm not a patient person. It is not. It is not my top quality that is true, it's true, I'm a very impatient person.
Speaker 2:And so I stood there and I looked at everyone else the other flight from Singapore and the flight from London. They were all getting their bags. And we're standing there and I could feel that rise of emotion in me that I just wanted my bag. So I thought, all right, let's apply the the you know the stoic god thing. I'm going to rise to the challenge. I'm not going to waste my emotional energy because I can feel it starting to irritate me. So I got out my book and I stood there and leant on my little trolley and I read my book and then I looked up and there was the bag.
Speaker 3:These are the things that you can control.
Speaker 2:I can control my reaction to this. I can't control and yet the amount of rage and I get it that people express when they're in a situation like in the traffic I mean Northern Beaches traffic, sydney traffic is just a shocker. And I've just come from Bali where lane markings are just a suggestion there's just the most. It's just the most chaotic, amorphous experience driving in a vehicle. Yes.
Speaker 2:In Bali, where it's like, like it's just everybody's everywhere and there's four people on a bike and someone's got a child on their shoulders. I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 3:It's all near misses.
Speaker 2:Oh, the och, health and safety and the lack of it. And then I had to laugh. We get near the airport and they've got cameras going off and I said to the driver what are the cameras for? And he said, oh, they're checking to see if people are texting her on the phone. And I'm like what, in the middle of this, with people just treating lane markings like a casual suggestion, with people on bikes with four or five people and two dogs and babies on their shoulders and everything, the thing that they're going to get you on is whether or not you're on your phone. I just think it's hilarious.
Speaker 3:I know that feeling when you come back from Bali and you drive around Sydney. It's like precision driving.
Speaker 2:It's like the Holden precision driving Team at the Royal Easter Show right where everybody's just moving so perfectly and you come back into Sydney and everyone stays in a lane.
Speaker 3:It's like a big slot car. It's like a slot car. People indicate A slot car set. I mean, I don't think that anybody.
Speaker 2:Anyway, it's just the most astonishing thing, and I don't like being in that chaotic environment. But again, one of the days we were in a vehicle there was about eight of us and it makes me nervous being in that sort of chaotic driving environment. So somebody you know whacked up the music and we all sang, and then that's what we did. So, instead of worrying about that, what can I do? Well, I can actually use this time to have a good time. I I have.
Speaker 2:I know I have a long way to go in trying to adopt a stoic philosophy, but I I do have everything I've come across and everything I've read. I do think that managing yourself emotionally, understanding what you can control and what you can't, and knowing that life is finite and that um, yeah, I think I've mentioned it a couple of weeks ago they do this visualization where you visualize just briefly, you don't ruminate on losing everything. What if you lost everything? What if you lost your children? What if you lost your husband? What if you lost your apartment? What if you lost everything and all you had was you? And then to actually briefly contemplate that, which, of course, puts you in a place where you go wow, look what I have.
Speaker 3:Life isn't so bad.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, you know what?
Speaker 3:There's an interesting distinction here and I think, well, look, I'm interested in it. You're quite vocal in, let's see vocal in in let's see you're.
Speaker 3:You're quite a quite a vocal critic of the gratitude movement, right? Sure am that we, that we have to be granted. You know that we have to be grateful. Um, you know, and I think that your great concern there is that people women, women in particular find themselves in relationships that are significantly imperfect and because they are told that they have to be grateful, they sometimes stay in relationships and allow things to happen in relationships that aren't good for them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the misplacing, the misuse of gratitude, of gratitude. So how is that different?
Speaker 3:How is that thought process different to being stoic, where sometimes you do go. Well, these are the things I can control, these are the things I can't. You know you have a much more peaceful outcome when you apply that thought process. How is that different from just being grateful?
Speaker 2:Oh, massively different. So if I'm in a situation okay, in an abusive situation with some man, then there actually are things I can do about that. What can I control about that?
Speaker 3:Oh right.
Speaker 2:Okay, what can I control? Well, I can stop kidding myself by sitting around doing a gratitude meditation that this is the best I'm going to get, that it's the misplacing of the of gratitude and and and being blessed and being accepting it's it's. It's such a misplacing of hang on, it's such a um, a misuse of fundamental principles which are quite good. Of course. Me sitting here in a very middle class environment with a supportive, you know, kind husband who does work and is has a feminist attitude towards life and towards me, there is much I can be grateful for because I'm I'm sitting in a pretty good position.
Speaker 2:If I'm in an abusive relationship with someone who believes that they have every right to track me on my phone and to tell me who I can be friends with and who I can't be friends with, and I'm sitting around doing a gratitude meditation, then I'm taking the notion of gratitude and I'm misusing it. And there's plenty of it out there. People in awful situations that are posting stuff and putting the blessed hashtag Do not put up with someone who is disinterested, lazy, controlling, abusive, because you think that's all you're worth and then just spend your time trying to be grateful, pushing yourself to be grateful. It's very bad.
Speaker 3:It seems like the pivotal question is what are the things that I can control? What are the things that I can't?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. But unless you've done some critical thinking, you're not going to know. You're just not going to know what it is that you can change, because we get into a mindset especially if you're in an abusive relationship and especially if you've met somebody charismatic, and then they start the controlling behaviour we know that your critical thinking faculties just shut down. It's very, very tricky and I really dislike the whole gratitude movement.
Speaker 3:I really dislike it and I really dislike all that, the whole gratitude movement. I really dislike it. So keep getting your daily dose of critical thinking so that you can ask that question what can I control? What is outside of my control? The things that are outside of my control well, maybe they're the things that the Stoic gods have sent to challenge us.
Speaker 2:You know, there's no point railing about the weather.
Speaker 3:That's right. There's no point railing about the weather, that's right.
Speaker 2:There's no point railing about the traffic.
Speaker 3:And there's no point railing about the antisocial behavior of some of your neighbors.
Speaker 2:What there is a lot of point railing about is if you're in a relationship with someone or there's someone in your workplace that is bullying you, genuinely bullying you, you don't have to put up with that. You don't have to put up with negativity in your relationship. You don't have to put up with somebody lazy. You don't have to put up with any of that. You can take action and you should take action. Life is short, life is short and brutish and it's up to us to lead the best life we can. Now, again, you know we're in this highly privileged position. You know, for many people. I was looking at those Balinese people, you know, living on a few dollars a day. You know how much agency do they actually have? The beautiful woman that did my nails, which I felt like some sort of awful colonial overlord, sitting in there, it was dreadful. Um, I gave her extra money I'd like you to know that anyway and I asked her because English wasn't bad what was her situation? So she, um, she was working in in, in the, in the um, the resort I was staying in. She really liked that. They treated her well. So I thought, big tick.
Speaker 2:Um, she was a mother of two children and I said where do you live? And she said I live with my in-laws. So she lived with her husband's family. And I said how is that? And she took a big pause and she said they're not so nice. His parents, parents aren't so nice. So she's got these children. She's in this situation where she has to work in the resort, go home and then do all the cooking and the cleaning. And I said can't you move out? And she looked at me like I was an alien.
Speaker 2:She said no, even if we could move out, if we had the money we're not allowed to.
Speaker 2:You must live with the family of your husband. And I said what about when they die? She said no, we just we have to be there, but at least when they, when they die, she'd have to do less. But she gets up at five o'clock every morning and she cleans and she cooks and she does everything for her in-laws and then she comes and does a full day's work and then she goes home at the end of the day.
Speaker 2:So, um, you know, back to that idea that you know why doesn't she just manifest and visualize a better life? It's just, it's just ridiculous. It's such a stupid notion because so much of what happens to us is contextually driven. It's the life she's born into and she doesn't have the same choices that we do, but she has some choice. But she wasn't pretending, she wasn't saying everything's great. She said it's a relief when I come to work because I'm away from them. There's no point trying to tell her why don't you just try and be grateful for the Christian? Why should she? Why should she be grateful? But I think that she was pretty good at saying this is a good moment. You know, sitting there with me, we had a pretty good chat.
Speaker 2:Nice it was nice, it was nice. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I mean, that was one of the things that I have learned about Balinese culture. The traditional Balinese house is a compound and women in Bali have very few rights, and that's exactly the. You know that. What you've described is exactly what I understand the traditional household to be that the wife always lives with the husband's family and she's part of that system. That's right, and there's nowhere for her to go. That's right. Now that stability will have had some benefits to the Balinese community, and it certainly has tremendous Well, it'll have societal benefits.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it'll have individual, collective benefits. It won't, you know, and there's that notion of collectivism versus individualism. It's a very collective society whereas we're a very individual society, and there's ups. You know, there's positives and negatives in both. We're just pausing for a minute to hear a word from our sponsor.
Speaker 3:The why Smart Women podcast is brought to you by Coup, a boutique training, coaching and media production company. A Coup, spelt C-O-U-P, is a decisive act of leadership, and decisive leadership requires critical thinking. So well done you for investing time to think about your thinking, if your leadership or relationships would benefit from some grounded and creative support. If you want team training or a conference presentation, reach out for a confidential one-on-one conversation using the link in the description or go to cooco.
Speaker 2:So I think, yeah, I think we're going to keep talking about this notion of what can you control and what can't you control and just dig around in it a bit, because I think to really embrace it as a philosophy or for me I really like it, it's working. You know, I sat in the traffic this morning and I wanted to toot the car in front of me because they were taking too long to take off at the lights and I didn't.
Speaker 3:I didn't and what's the benefit of that. You know what is the, what is the reward that comes, oh you know, I think just sort of less feeling, less fractious and frustrated bit more peace just a bit more peace.
Speaker 2:I'd like a bit more, less being tossed about by circumstances okay, I think so that's me. That's my goal is to be a less. I have tried to slow down. Yeah, I have actively tried to slow down the past few weeks. It's not easy for me because I you know I'm moving a million miles an hour. We all know that. But I'm giving it my best shot and I'll let you know how I go.
Speaker 3:David.
Speaker 2:So would it be true to say yes, that I'll let you know how I go, david. So would it be true to say that?
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, david, that achieving world peace in our lifetime is probably a little out of our control, but we can create a bit of peace in our own personal world.
Speaker 2:I suppose. So it's an irritating thing. You've just said oh okay.
Speaker 3:Sorry.
Speaker 2:I'm just trying to, it's just irritating. Give us some said oh okay, sorry, I'm just trying to, it's just irritating.
Speaker 3:Give us some.
Speaker 2:Oh, world peace, inner peace? I don't know. Yeah, I can't control the fact that there's bad things happening in the world. I don't think this is all unprecedented. I think there's always been. You know, people have always behaved badly. I think I can work on my own sense of tranquility. I don't think that particularly translates to much. It just makes me feel better, and I think what you need to do is take social action where you can. Yeah, that's what I think.
Speaker 3:Well, look, the more tranquil you are, the happier I am.
Speaker 2:Oh right, it's all about trying to make your life easier, isn't it?
Speaker 3:No, that's not what I was saying. Okay, go on. You know, I just innately am happier when you are more tranquil.
Speaker 2:It's true, me too. Okay, so thanks very much for listening. Smart women, we'll be back on Thursday with the snarky gherkin and my friend from the vaccination station. So stay tuned and just have a little experiment with yourself next time you leave the apartment, house, unit, cave, tent, wherever you live and you go to procure something and you find you're held up. Just see if you can apply a bit of well I can't control this and see if you feel any better. Okay, stay safe, stay well, keep your critical thinking hats on. See you soon. Bye.
Speaker 2:Thanks for tuning into why? Smart women, me, annie McCubbin. I hope today's episode has ignited your curiosity and left you feeling inspired by my anti-motivational style. Join me next time as we continue to unravel the fascinating layers of our brains and develop ways to sort out the fact from the fiction and the over 6,000 thoughts we have in the course of every day.
Speaker 2:Remember, intelligence isn't enough. You can be as smart as paint, but it's not just about what you know, it's about how you think and in all this talk of whether or not you can trust your gut if you ever feel unsafe, whether it's in the street, at work, car park, in a bar or in your own home. Please, please, respect that gut feeling. Staying safe needs to be our primary objective. We can build better lives, but we have to stay safe to do that. And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast and share it with your fellow smart women and allies. Together, we're hopefully reshaping the narrative around women and making better decisions. So until next time, stay sharp, stay savvy and keep your critical thinking hat shiny. This is Annie McCubbin signing off from why Smart Women, see you later. This episode was produced by Harrison Hess. It was executive produced and written by me, annie McCubbin.
