Why Smart Women Podcast
Welcome to the Why Smart Women Podcast, hosted by Annie McCubbin. We explore why women sometimes make the wrong choices and offer insightful guidance for better, informed decisions. Through engaging discussions, interviews, and real-life stories, we empower women to harness their intelligence, question their instincts, and navigate life's complexities with confidence. Join us each week to uncover the secrets of smarter decision-making and celebrate the brilliance of women everywhere.
Why Smart Women Podcast
Snow Leopards Don't Need Ambulances (But Humans Do)
What happens when a woman's desire for a "natural" birth clashes with medical reality? In this gripping episode, I share the second part of the first chapter from my upcoming book - a story that will have you holding your breath until the very end.
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You are listening to the why Smart Women podcast, the podcast that helps smart women work out why we repeatedly make the wrong decisions and how to make better ones. From relationships, career choices, finances, to faux fur, jackets and kale smoothies. Every moment of every day, we're making decisions. Let's make them good ones. I'm your host, annie McCubbin, and, as a woman of a certain age, I've made my own share of really bad decisions. Not my husband, I don't mean him, though I did go through some shockers to find him, and I wish this podcast had been around to save me from myself. This podcast will give you insights into the working of your own brain, which will blow your mind. I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which I'm recording and you are listening on this day. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. So hello, smart women. Welcome back to the why Smart Women podcast. This week I am broadcasting from DY on the northern beaches of Sydney, new South Wales, of Australia and South Wales, australia, and it is a beautiful, sunny spring day. This week I'm going to be reading part two of the first chapter of the draft, so I'm still writing it, but of my next book I don't know what the book's called? I'm not quite sure and this is just a draft, but I thought you might like to hear it. So Thursday's episode, so last week, was part one, and if you are thinking of tuning in to today, I strongly advise you to go back and listen to part one of the story, because it's not going to make sense. Because it's not going to make sense For those of you that are tuning in and have already heard part one strap in, because things get pretty hectic and here we go.
Speaker 1:She's having twins, said Harper. Rosemary and her grandchild ventured further into the room. The child was clinging to her grandmother's skirt. Twins, said Rosemary. Freya smiled serenely. A double blessing. Harper stood Show me the baby, she said to Freya. Of course, said Freya, but you need to hold the space for Beth. It's important. She Jet cut her off. Show the baby. She turned her shoulder to Harper, pulled back the piece of bloodied cloth. The baby was a tiny scrap covered in blood. The sight of the baby, the word flashed into her brain. Her kin, is he breathing? She, she's fine, she said. Beth groaned. Harper went back to her. Rosemary arrived at the side of the pool. The child hiding behind her back looked down at Beth. Beth was making low moaning noises. There were tears running down her cheeks, making low moaning noises. There were tears running down her cheeks. She looks unwell. She said that is your assessment. Said Freya, I see a woman allowing her body to do what it's designed to do bring new life into the world.
Speaker 2:She's her sister.
Speaker 1:Rosemary turned to Jet you, the dad Course. He said how many hours has she been in labour Days?
Speaker 2:He said I don't know three days.
Speaker 1:He cast a nervous look at Freya.
Speaker 2:But Beth wanted a wild birth. It's what she wanted.
Speaker 1:Up to this point there had been an unspoken entreaty to talk quietly, but the use of the words wild birth sent a trill of fear through them. It was like the set was quiet. Then the clapperboard was loaded and someone yelled action. Everyone talked at once days. She's been like this for days. She needs to be in hospital, said harper. She's in charge of her labor, said freya, not us. Hang on. Said emmy. Who are all you people? You're the midwife doula. She said you're the boyfriend husband said jet.
Speaker 1:Oh, said harper, right. And this is rosemary, who picked me up from the side of the road and drove me here. And this is amelia, who was in the car, because she was at a sleepover and got homesick. I'm going to give sleeping over at maddie's another shot, though, next weekend, said amelia, good plan. Said harper, okay. Said, said Amy, I'll get that story later. Right, what is going on here? What do we need to do? Yes, said Rosemary, if she's been in labor for days. How dilated is she? It's the second baby in distress. How's the first baby doing?
Speaker 2:I don't know, said Jet. I've been trying to fulfill her wishes. She wanted to birth in sovereignty, on the Aquarius new moon.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, sovereignty. Whatever said Emmy, it's a second baby in distress, asked her. He said, jerking his thumb in the direction of the doula.
Speaker 2:All I know is she's been asking for her sisters and mother. She seems very tired.
Speaker 1:He squeezed Beth's hand. She shook him off, moaned. Rosemary. Turned to Beth what's your name? Beth turned to her, smiled weakly, mouthed her name Beth, said Harper. Her name is Beth. How old is she? Said Rosemary, 27. Said Emmy Beth, 27, said Emmy Beth, said Rosemary, leaning over her hands on her knees my name is Rosemary. I will help you. Why is the ambulance taking so long? Said Emmy. She knelt and was stroking Beth's forehead. Jet stood.
Speaker 2:There's no ambulance.
Speaker 1:He said what Said Harper, emmy and Rosemary? What are you saying? What's the delay, said Harper. We didn't call. One said Freya, birth should not be medicalised. It's Beth's wish. The birth process is. Rosemary, cut her off. What's wrong with you? Emmy pulled her phone from her back pocket. Dial triple zero.
Speaker 2:She didn't want an ambulance, said Jet. She wanted to give birth like women do in the wild. Her totem is a snow leopard. Snow leopards give birth in sheltered dens with no interference. So we built a den here.
Speaker 1:Beth said Harper, we're calling an ambulance. Her eyes flutter, Harper held her hand up in front of Jet's face. That's enough of the snow leopard talk. What is wrong with you leaving her in this state? I didn't know. He started. It's rhetorical, said Harper. No answer you give will be adequate. Jet stood, looked down at Beth, leaned over his hands on his knees, started to cry.
Speaker 2:I don't know what's gone wrong. We built the den. She'll be alright, won't she? It started, it started well. Birthing pain is part of the process. If you can get in the rhythm, the rhythm of Mother Earth, she will support you.
Speaker 1:Oh God, said Emi, shut up. She didn't want an ambulance, said Freya to Emi. Rosemary moved to the end of the pool where Beth's legs were hanging over the side. Gave one hand to Amelia Help me down. She said. Rosemary moved to the end of the pool where Beth's legs were hanging over the side. Gave one hand to Amelia Help me down. She said. The child, still looking fixedly up at the ceiling, held out her left hand. Rosemary gripped it and lowered herself down. Let's see how the other baby is doing. She said yes, hello, said Emi into the phone. Oh God, there's no signal in here.
Speaker 2:You have to go into the hall said Jet.
Speaker 1:Freya walked towards Emi, Give me the phone. She said she will not consent to gynecological rape. Emi battered her hand away, goes out of the room. Harper heard her say my sister, before she shut the door in her face, Jet turned to Freya, told you, I told you. He was now sobbing violently. Jet stop crying, said Harper. He was now sobbing violently. Jet stop crying, said Harper. She knelt next to Beth. It's okay, beth, you're going to be okay. The baby murmured. Beth Freya compressed her lips. She didn't want this she said she wanted a peaceful birth.
Speaker 1:I need gloves, said Rosemary to Freya. I don't have any, said Freya. Rosemary gave her a long look. How have you been examining her? She said I haven't. Said Freya, this is a wild birth. Women know how to give birth. We are lions. Lions give birth in the wild. There are no doctors with gloves interfering. There are there'. "'i thought she was a leopard. "'how many big cats are involved in this birth', said Harper. "'you may mock us', said Freya. "'harper looked up at Freya. "'she'd been working on her highly displeased look. "'with a lawyer in her practice group that talked over the top of her. "'she applied it now. "'i'm not mocking you. I'm collecting evidence to sue you. She considered that Freya looked intimidated. I'm confused, said Rosemary. What have you actually been doing these last three days? I am supporting Beth in her birthing. You are disturbing her with your intrusive-. Shut up, said Jet. He was kneeling down next to Beth. He wiped his hand across his nose. Hey, kilt boy, said rosemary chat.
Speaker 2:My name is jet two t's yes, good, yes good.
Speaker 1:Go into the kitchen and see if there's any gloves in packets. Hurry, she's in a sovereign space, said freya. She expressly listen you, pathetic crackpot. Said Harper. We're not in the Serengeti, we're in Lawson. Why hasn't she got any clothes on? Said Amelia.
Speaker 1:She's giving birth in her home, said the doula. Women know what their bodies need. Put the lights on, said Rosemary. Nobody can see what's happening. Soft lights are better for Harper. Cut her off. Just put the lights on, for God's sake, and close the windows and throw out the lavender oil. While you're at it.
Speaker 1:Rosemary touched Beth's knee. I'm here, beth, if you want to push, she said. Beth didn't answer. Rosemary looked over her shoulder at the doula. She looks very depleted. She said what was your plan at this point? The door opened. Is the baby breathing? Called Emi. Yes, called Harper, but she looks very fragile. Tell them there's another one coming. 27 Mill Street, lawson, said Emi into the phone. Emi, emi, harper. Stoll clapped her hands to get a sitter's attention. Tell them there's another one coming. There's another one coming, she said into the phone. Okay, hang on. Is the mother conscious and breathing? She called yes, said Harper, but she's weak. Ask them how long. Tell them she's been in labour for three days called Rosemary. Jet arrived back, handed Rosemary a pair of gloves. Didn't you notice things weren't going so well? She said to him. It's not my fault, he said, then turned and pointed at freya like a prosecuting barrister giving closing arguments to a jury it's her three days.
Speaker 2:I told her it was a bad idea. I told her she needed to go to hospital the whole time. That's what I said he yelled.
Speaker 1:He took two steps towards her. She backed into the fireplace. He went for a strong finish, but his voice was high and reedy.
Speaker 2:Told her she needs a hospital, but she didn't listen.
Speaker 1:Then, like someone had punched him in the stomach, the air went out of him. The bluster died. He leaned over, put his hands on his knees and started to cry again.
Speaker 2:My babies, my babies, my Beth.
Speaker 1:Wow, said Harper, you might have grown a spine three days ago.
Speaker 1:She turned to Rosemary. My sister really knows how to pick them. There's been a major road accident, said Emmy, from the door, in Katoomba. A delay on the ambulance. Oh God, said Harper. It's the universe, said Freya, stopping you from interfering. Did you not know she was having twins, said Rosemary. Women know how to birth, said Freya.
Speaker 1:They don't need doctors to tell them what to do. So you haven't been monitoring the baby's heartbeat, said Harper. I'm a lawyer and I know more than you. What if it's distressed? Jesus, beth, darling, you need to push, said Rosemary, snapping on the gloves. Can they give you an ETA, said Harper. I'm standing by, called Immy.
Speaker 1:Harper leaned towards Rosemary, looked to see if she could see anything. Is that the crowning head of the baby? Yes, said you medical, said harper to rosemary. Nurse, well, retired, but I was a nurse. Nana was in charge of a whole hospital, said amelia. She would know what to do if there was an earthquake and we were all buried right, said harper. Well, she sounds very handy. She stood called to the doula, the other baby. Has she been trying to push for long? For the first time, uncertainty crosses the doula's face. Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she has. Maybe it's um breach. She said push beth, push, said rosemary. It's not breach, it's crowning. Call yourself a midwife. My granddaughter could do a better job than you.
Speaker 1:Amelia had been standing stock, still one hand on her grandmother's shoulder, looking up at the ceiling. I don't think that's right. She said I'm a doula, said Freya. Stop saying doula, said Harper, where are the towels, the hot water, the ice cubes for the mother? Look at her. She's dehydrated. Sovereignty has no meaning for you, said Freya. "'sovereignty has no meaning for you. "'it's best if you don't speak again', said Harper. "'you can do this' said Rosemary to Beth. "'just a couple of pushes, you're so close'. Beth groaned. "'immy came back in the phone, still at her ear "'Beth', said Rosemary. "'beth, I'm a nurse, you're going to be okay. "'this is, I'm a nurse, you're going to be okay. This is Amelia, my beautiful Amelia. Her mother had a long birth and I was there. I was at her birth, I caught her and I'm going to catch your baby.
Speaker 1:Rosemary turned to Harper. Of course, amelia was born in a hospital, not on the Harris's floor. Oh my God, what is wrong with people? She says sotto voce.
Speaker 1:Immy, said Harper, tell them the baby is coming. Jet stood, put his hands on his knees. I don't feel well. He said Go over there if you're going to faint, said Rosemary. Immy, did you tell them the baby is coming, called Harper. How many weeks has she called Immy? How many weeks is she?
Speaker 1:Harper said to Freya, we don't count weeks, that is an artificial medicine-led. Harper cut her off. I don't know, emi, she's probably somewhere between 31 and 34 weeks, said Rosemary to Harper. Oh, around 32 weeks. Called Harper.
Speaker 1:Okay, beth, said Rosemary. She put out her hands. You need to push, darling. Come on, beth, push, just one last push. Said Harper. Beth groaned come on, beth, push, just one last push. Said harper. Beth groaned, bore down, nothing happened. She lay back. I can't. Just one more push, said Harper, just breathe, said Freya. Shut up, said Harper with your snake voice. Come on, said Rosemary, you can do it, beautiful girl. Beth bore down, sweat pouring down her face. The baby slid out into Rosemary's hands. Good girl, said Rosemary. You did it. Good girl, beth.
Speaker 1:Amelia was transfixed. Caught between horror and awe, she put a hand across her mouth. Why is the baby blue, nana? She's not breathing, said Rosemary. She called to Immy. The baby's not breathing. Immy yelled Harper, did you hear us? The baby is not breathing. Freya, help, the baby's not breathing. I'm a doula, I'm not medical. There was a sound in her voice, a sound Harper didn't like a memory of something dangerous tugs at her brain. We need to cut the cord. Rosemary said the baby's not breathing, said Immy into the phone.
Speaker 1:The atmosphere in the room ramped up. Harper felt her breath catch in her throat. Rosemary was biting her lip. Immy, how long called Harper? Tell them to hurry. They must come right now. How long now? Said Immy into the phone. Hey, doula Freya. Harper called over his shoulder. We need to cut the cord. She went, said Amelia. What said Harper? She gave me the baby and went out the door, said Amelia. Huh, said Harper. She turned around. Amelia was standing there holding the baby. All right, amelia, good girl, said Rosemary, you just stand there and hold the little baby. How do we cut the cord? Said Harper.
Speaker 1:The generalized anxiety disorder, having been usurped by the urgent nature of the decision making and the fact that the current situation was worse than anything her mind could have concocted, made a resolute resurgence. She took a breath but couldn't exhale. She had prickles running up and down her arm. She tasted blood in her mouth and realized she'd bitten down in her lip. Emmy appeared in the doorway, the phone to her ear. Where's the midwife going? She said. She just walked past me without saying a word. We don't know, said Harper, maybe getting something out of the car, are you all right, harper? Said Emi. Harper looked at her, raised her eyebrows. Your lip is bleeding, said Emi. Harper wipes her hand across her mouth. I'm okay, she said. Right, said Emi. She disappeared from the doorway, returned a minute later. Don't think she's getting something out of a car. I just saw her get in it and drive away. She changed the phone to her other ear. Yes, she said I'm here.
Speaker 1:Then the memory resurfaced. A man driving a red Aston Martin came speeding around a corner, collecting Harper on her bike and dumping her and her bike on the side of the road. The driver got out of his vehicle, came and stood over her while she was lying on her side, her school satchel still on her back. He frowned at her, then walked back to his car, leant down and examined the front of it, took a handkerchief out of his pocket, wiped the mark her bike must have made and drove away. She was left with her leg lying underneath her at a bad angle, wondering why such a young man was in possession of a handkerchief. How do you know? It was an Aston Martin, her mother had said. I saw the badge on the bonnet as he was driving off.
Speaker 1:Harper had said Her mother had tuttered. They're very costly cars, she'd said, as if Harper was remiss for having allowed herself to be knocked off her bike by an expensive car. She was useless anyway, said Rosemary Kilt. Boy go to the kitchen and find a plastic clamp and scissors. Jet was standing staring at the baby, his hand over his mouth. Jet was standing staring at the baby, his hand over his mouth. His name is Jet, said Amelia. Jet said Rosemary, what clan are you from? He took his hand from his mouth, looked down at his kilt.
Speaker 2:Maccabin.
Speaker 1:Right, said Rosemary. A fighting clan. Go get the scissors and clamp. He ran to the kitchen, returned with the scissors. Harper took them off him, reached down and clamped the cord and cut it. She looked at her hands. They were shaking violently. They said to start compressions on the baby's chest, said Emy.
Speaker 1:Rosemary was struggling to get off the floor with the baby. Amelia, give the baby to the man in the skirt, she said. Amelia handed the baby to Jet. Why are you wearing a skirt? Harper heard her say. In another time and place this would have provoked Harper to explain about the trouble with gender norms. But at 4.33am in a freezing lounge room, in the middle of a medical catastrophe, she let it go. It's a kilt. She heard Jet say Harper took the baby off.
Speaker 1:Rosemary ran to the dining table. Lay her on a towel please. She said to the baby breathe, please breathe. Harper called him, me, start compressions. Amelia, stop gawping and help me up, said rosemary quick.
Speaker 1:Amelia was staring at the baby, her brain, trying to reconcile this tiny blue scrap that had emerged from Beth to the fat giggling babies in nappy commercials. Amelia, snap out of it. Said Rosemary, help me up, I can't. Said Amelia, you're seriously overweight. Nana, mum's always saying you eat too much and you'll get the diabetes. And Rosemary looked up at her and put out a hand. I'm fat, but you're very strong, said Rosemary. Pull Rosemary, I need you. Called Harper. Amelia planted her feet and pulled Rosemary rose to her feet.
Speaker 1:Emy came back into the room, knelt next to Beth, tucked the phone into her shoulder. Yes, she said into the phone, the second baby is here, she's not breathing. Yes, she said into the phone. The second baby is here, she's not breathing. Beth, said Emi. Her voice went up in intensity Beth, you, okay. The anxiety shot down into Harper's stomach. She was sick with panic. She had no idea how to do compressions on a blue premmy baby. Okay, said Emi into the phone. I don't know, the baby is blue.
Speaker 1:Rosemary arrived at Harper's left shoulder, moved her out of the way, put twomi into the phone. I don't know, the baby is blue. Rosemary arrived at Harper's left shoulder, moved her out of the way, put two fingers on the baby's chest and started compressions. She was tiny, she could have fit in her palm, too small to be alive. Emi. Harper called how long will they be? They're on their way. She said Hang on. She said into the phone yes, I'm just talking to someone else.
Speaker 1:Emmy stroked Beth's forehead. Beth had closed her eyes. Beth, beth said Emmy. Harper could hear the rising panic in Emmy's voice. Emmy, the unassailable Emmy. If Emmy was losing it, they're in deep trouble. She's not answering, yelled Emmy.
Speaker 1:Harper turned around. The pool was full of blood. It looked like there'd been a murder. She didn't know there was that much blood in the human body. Jet started taking in large gulping breaths. Rosemary turned around Amelia. She said take the baby off the boy. Amelia looked at her. Quickly said Rosemary.
Speaker 1:Amelia ran to Jet, took the baby off him. He made a strange guttural noise and fell to the ground. Emmy was on her knees holding Beth under her arms. The phone was tucked at the shoulder. Jesus, she said Jesus.
Speaker 1:Harper stepped over the prone form of Jet and ran back to Beth, held her face Beth, beth, talk to me. Harper called to Rosemary how do we stop the hemorrhaging? Yes, I'm here, said Emmy into the phone. The mother has lost consciousness. She moved her head slightly and the phone dropped from her shoulder. She couldn't pick it up without letting go of Beth.
Speaker 1:Harper could hear the tinny voice of the operator saying hello, hello, are you there? Beth, wake up, said Harper, wake up. Harper was shaking Beth's arm, patting her face. Amelia called Harper. Sweetie, could you go over to where the other lady is, please and pick up the froze? Go on. Amelia said Rosemary, go and pick up the phone. I have the baby, said Amelia. Give me the baby, said Harper.
Speaker 1:Amelia handed the baby to Harper, crossed the room, arrived at Emmy's side and picked up the phone, tried to put it next to Emmy's ear. Could you talk to the operator, said Emmy, please. Sweat was running down Emmy's face. She was trying to wipe it out of her eyes with her elbow. Hello, said Amelia into the phone. Harper could hear the faint voice on the other end.
Speaker 1:This is Amelia Mason. I'm 12. It's all very bad here. No, I'm not related, I was at a sleepover. Beth, open your eyes, said Harper. Beth's eyes rolled back into her head. Amelia, tell them they have to come right now, said Amy. We're losing the mother. The lady said to come right now, said Amelia into the phone. There's a lot of blood. Rosemary, said Amy, she's hemorrhaging. What do we do?
Speaker 1:Harper's brain snapped back to 13 when her brain calibrated the world like the American TV shows she escaped to. She could see the whole picture in a wide shot, the camera mounted on an arm sweeping over the room. She could see Beth from above, lying in the pool, emmy holding her up underneath her arms, amelia holding the phone, rosemary pushing two fingers into the tiny chest of the baby, jet out cold on the floor, one arm thrown over his face, looking for all the world like he was lying on the beach having a sleep, and her Harper holding Beth by the chin with one hand, turning her face this way and that and holding the baby with the other. The room was briefly silent. The camera does another sweep, but this time there was a time caption in the corner of the shot. The numbers were clicking down, clicking down.
Speaker 1:Then Harper knew this is where it ends. There was to be no forgiveness for the sins of the past. Her father had kicked off the cascading series of calamities. He capriciously took the pieces of the family unit, tossed them up in the air and watched them scatter, and they, the sisters, scrabbling around to find semblance in the disorder, had grabbed the wrong life raft. Emy had clung to extreme order, beth to anything that gave her a tribe that wasn't her own in Harper. Harper clung to the protective magic of anxiety. If you worry enough, nothing bad is going to happen. Their history was watching them with slitted eyes. This would be their final scene. Take a bow. Here. It is the denouement a triple catastrophe.
Speaker 1:Harper, harper, harper, emi was yelling at her. What are you doing, harper? Sorry, sorry, said Harper. Feel for her pulse, said Emi. Harper put two fingers on the side of her throat, tried to feel her pulse. Everything is wet. Her hands are shaking. She couldn't feel the pulse. I can't feel a, she said Beth slipped down further into the water. Is she breathing? Called Amelia. The lady on the phone needs to know. I can't feel a pulse, said Harper. We can't feel a pulse, said Amelia into the phone. Emmy started to cry We've lost her.
Speaker 2:Oh God, oh God.
Speaker 1:Harper started to cry too. Stop crying, said Amelia. Get her out of the pool, said Immy. Harper laid the baby on the floor and helped Immy to lift her out. She's a dead weight for someone so small. They laid her on the floor. There was blood pouring down her legs and terrible metallic smell. Immy was leaning over Beth, yelling at her Wake up, beth, wake up. Harper called Roseby. Go to the bathroom and grab towels. Beth, wake up. Beth, yelled Harper, tapping Beth on the back of her hand. I can't leave her. Jet. Jet, you idiot, wake up. He groaned. Start CPR on the mother called Amelia. Go get towels, said Emmy. Go. She starts compressions on Beth's chest. Harper picks the baby up from the floor and leaps over the prone form of jet and runs out the door and down the hall, opens two doors until she finds the bathroom, grabs towels off the rack, runs back, kicks jet in the leg as she passes. Wake up you idiot she yelled at him.
Speaker 1:Amelia called rosemary. Ask them how long, amelia. Ask them. Tell them we're not coping. Hello, said amelia, my grandmother. Them. Tell them we're not coping. Hello, said Amelia, my grandmother said to tell you we're not coping. And the other baby is still blue. Right, she said right, they're nearly here. The lady on the phone says we're doing a great job.
Speaker 1:Harper knelt in front of Beth, held the baby with her right hand and tried to mop up the blood between her legs with the left. Harper called Rosemary. Put your hand on her lower abdomen and firmly press. Won't that make her bleed more? Said Harper. Do it, said Rosemary. Emmy was still doing CPR on Beth. Harper's hands were covered in blood. It was like a river.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm here, said Amelia into the phone. Yes, I think the baby is breathing. Hang on. She paused, looked to where Harper was holding the baby. Yes, she think the baby is breathing. Hang on. She paused, looked to where Harper was holding the baby. Yes, she's breathing. She's so small, I don't know that. Harper's supporting her neck, though. She's holding her while trying to push on the mother's tummy. Harper, I need you to take over, said Amy, my arms.
Speaker 1:Harper stood, handed the baby to Amy put pressure on her lower abdomen. Here, she said she tried not to look in Beth's face, started the compressions. The baby in Amy's arms gave a tiny cry. Yes, this one is still breathing, said Amelia into the phone. They're pushing on the mother's chest and her tummy. Amelia paused, nodded, kept her eyes fixed on Harper pushing on Beth's chest. She mustn't be breathing because Harper is still pushing on her chest. The other baby's also not breathing. My Nana is trying to get her to breathe. Nobody's okay. I mean we're okay, but the baby's in the mother Also. People have been crying. She said how long? Called Rosemary, they're here. Nana said Amelia, they're here.
Speaker 1:Two paramedics at the door. They stood for maybe five seconds and the room was full. Two more paramedics entered, two police. One paramedic took the baby off, izzy, good girl. She said You've done well.
Speaker 1:One came over to Harper Good job. Knelt to Beth, took Beth's wrist, weak pulse. Okay, stop CPR, he said. He put his hand on Harper's arm. You can stop now.
Speaker 1:Harper felt her teeth release her lip, her jaw unclench. She stood, looked down at Beth. I had an accident in the snowstorm, ran my car off the road. I should have been here earlier, she said. Paramedic looked up at her briefly You've done well, could you move back please? And Harper felt again the car's wheels leaving the road in her desperate attempts to right the steering and find her lane.
Speaker 1:And she understands all three of them had been trying to right the steering and find their lane since their father abandoned them for a new, better family with an enthusiastic wife and a son. And she thought how their father's departure had caused a premature wearing of the lane markings and had left them veering this way and that. And now they were lost. Harper, harper, harper turned back to Emi, harper. Emi was saying what are you doing? The ambulance man is asking you a question. You're a midwife, he said. She shook her head and sister, I'm her sister, please save her. We need backup, said the paramedic to his colleague.
Speaker 1:And so, in the absence of a clearly marked route to travel down, she had begun to rely on her generalized anxiety disorder to give her direction, to instruct her on where she should put her focus. Her anxiety felt in order to keep everyone safe, she must ruminate on the past and catastrophize about the future. So, standing in the middle of this lounge room of mayhem and possible tragedy, it began a rapid-fire interrogation of her decision, since she received the call at 2am. If she hadn't stopped to fill the dog's bowl, she would have left one minute earlier, which means she wouldn't have been stuck behind Rosemary. Which means she wouldn't have had the car accident. Which means she would have been able to call the ambulance earlier, before the accident in Katoomba. Which means Beth would have given birth in the hospital.
Speaker 1:She looked over her shoulder to where a paramedic was speaking to Rosemary who nodded, turned away from the baby, put one hand on the edge of the table, her other hand on her hip and looked towards the ceiling. But then again thought Harper, maybe the dog bowl filling was an essential part of the story, because that precipitated the next corollary of events, which means Rosemary was at the birth and maybe say Beth or the babies, you're her sister, says the boss paramedic, where's the midwife? Yes, said harper, I'm her sister. She left the midwife left. He said helicopter landing. He says to one of the paramedics. She nods okay, everybody out. Said the boss paramedic, give us room.
Speaker 1:Amelia ran to her grandmother, put her arms around her waist. Harper passed a paramedic kneeling next to jet checking his pulse. That's shoulder Perhaps, thought Harper, as she watched Emmy fill a kettle and examine the cups for cleanliness. Their very femaleness was the problem. If they had been boys, perhaps they would have managed better. Because, despite Emmy's best efforts to sidestep her mother's genetic leanings towards a melancholic detachment and a splenetic conversational style, emmy herself had descended into a dark place after the birth of her last baby and Beth. After making a solemn vow to raise perfect, happy, well-balanced children, had endangered her own life and the life of her babies and Harper.
Speaker 1:Harper knew, as she pictured a piece of dried blood in her pants, that she could not have children, could not go through that. Even in hospital, with drugs and ice cubes pressed against her, parched lips, probably by Immy and a supportive, non-fainting, non-kilt-wearing partner, she could not do it. Would they be okay, said Amelia to her grandmother. Her grandmother looked up at her. Well, she said they had the best chance now. The ambulance is here. Do I have to go to school tomorrow, said Amelia, not tomorrow. No, said her grandmother.
Speaker 1:Harper looked from Amelia to Rosemary and back again. No, she thought. It's not that I cannot, it's that I do not want children, the terror of pushing out a baby and then the continued pushing it around in a pram. I cannot parent, a child. Amelia seemed to be a consummately good child, but I have probably ruined her by exposing her to the catastrophic events of tonight. And she's not even mine. What would I be like if the poor child was my kin. And with the word kin, harper saw again the tiny morsel of humanity wrapped in the blanket and fear clutched at her. And she heard Freya's snake voice saying women know how to birth. And she saw Beth's inert form and her own helpless attempts to staunch the bleeding, and anger arrived and with it the anxiety dispersed and a razor sharp mental clarity arrived.
Speaker 1:Harper, do you want tea? Immie was standing proffering a cup she'd just rinsed under the tap. Hang on, said harper, I'll be back, whatever's happening with the baby. She couldn't see. She stepped out, stood in the middle of the yard. The snow fell on her hair, in her eyes, her hands grew numb. She dialed On the fourth ring. The phone picked up Yep, fox, yep, this is Harper. There was a pause Right.
Speaker 2:Hey, harper, you okay, it's 3am.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, sorry, what's up the sound of his voice? Um, someone nearly killed my sister. She could hear him breathing the slow, measured breath of someone who had never allowed a generalised anxiety disorder to run their lives.
Speaker 2:Someone has tried to kill Izzy.
Speaker 1:Oh no, my other sister, beth Right.
Speaker 2:Sounds serious, Harper.
Speaker 1:I want to go after them Legally. I want her jailed. She heard a murmur, A female murmur. It's okay.
Speaker 2:Go back to sleep, Sammy.
Speaker 1:Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:she said no, don't be. Tell me what happened, Harper.
Speaker 1:And the sound of his voice took her back to that night, two years ago, when she had said that Beth was a bad actor. Beth had walked out the door and Harper had sat on the couch, her head throbbing from the migraine, discovering that no amount of wine could dampen the enthusiasm of the generalized anxiety disorder. That was when she contemplated the idea that the band around her heart was not in fact anxiety but a blackness of heart, that the genetic issue was not around boundaries but villainy, an evil, wicked chunk of DNA gifted to her from her father. She may have been drunker than she thought, because the import of this revelation made her gasp out loud, then clap a hand over her mouth. The door to Fox's room had opened. What's?
Speaker 2:up Papa.
Speaker 1:So she crossed the living room and entered his room and sat on the edge of his bed while he lay on the other side. She told him how she had seen her father with his arm around another child at a chess competition when she was 12, and she knew that the child was his with someone else who wasn't her mother, and no one believed her. Then their father had left them and her mother had descended into a cold fury from which she had never emerged, and Beth had gone to the spiritual dark side and said things like hegemony when she had no idea what it meant and Emmy was so controlled she had their Christmas presents wrapped by November. Then she had laid down next to him and told him how she'd been drinking wine to keep the generalised anxiety disorder at bay. But after what she'd said to her sister that afternoon, she had come to the sad but necessary conclusion that she wasn't anxious but was in fact evil and black of heart. And he held her hand and said she had been watching too much medieval fantasy on netflix. But she had to agree that, yes, that was a fact, because she was not black of heart. She was in fact the best person he knew, and they lay there looking at the ceiling, and because she'd had too much to drink and other reasons which she would not admit to herself, she fell asleep there and when she emerged the following morning, immy had looked at her and raised an eyebrow and she had gone to say.
Speaker 1:Nothing happened and then didn't. Although she hadn't known why, the snow was still falling in light flurries. She turned in circle the phone to her ear, taking in the lights of the ambulances, the sound of the chopper landing, the smell of the pine trees. For a moment she felt strangely expanded, as if she were part of a giant hole. Then, as she watched an ambulance draw away from the curb, the expansion diminished and she felt the world draw in on itself, the sounds, smells, lights retracted and her awareness narrowed until all there was was the certainty that death had stalked her family. But she, she was alive, so alive that she could feel each individual snowflake falling on her lashes and she welcomed the cold and the dusting of snow on her dark hair. She pushed the phone closer to her ear, wished Fox could see the cold and the dusting of snow on her dark hair. She pushed the phone closer to her ear, wished Fox could see the beauty of the moment, a paramedic shouted and she watched the helicopter rise above her and the world came back into bold relief and she realised she was exhausted and all the expanding and contracting was probably the workings of her overwrought brain. But still still, fox was talking to her, asking her questions, telling her that of course he'd help, but it all sounds so awful, and she realized that tears were running down her cheeks and it was about the horror of the night, but also that she'd known somewhere that she'd loved him always and she wanted to whisper to him that she doesn't want to be the one telling him always, and she wanted to whisper to him that she doesn't want to be the one telling him what happened. She wants to be the one he's telling to go back to sleep. She wants to go back to that night and maybe she could have been brave and turned towards him. But that ship has passed. She could have been Sammy. Instead she's Harper, standing on the front lawn of 27 Mill Street, lawson, with a very bad story to tell.
Speaker 1:Well, that was part two of the story I am writing about a wild birth, which is a birth that more women are opting for, which is a birth, where you have absolutely no outside help and what can go wrong. So that is the second half of the first chapter of my first draft of my third book, if that makes any sense. I hope you enjoyed it. Love some feedback if anybody's interested in dropping me a note. So thank you so much for tuning in. Stay well, stay safe. Keep your critical thinking hats in. Stay well, stay safe, keep your critical thinking hats on. See you soon. Bye, thanks for tuning in to why Smart Women with me, annie McCubbin, I hope today's episode has ignited your curiosity and left you feeling inspired by my anti-motivational style.
Speaker 1:Join me next time as we continue to unravel the fascinating layers of our brains and develop ways to sort out the fact from the fiction and the over 6,000 thoughts we have in the course of every day. Remember, intelligence isn't enough. You can be as smart as paint, but it's not just about what you know, it's about how you think. And in all this talk of whether or not you can trust your gut, if you ever feel unsafe, whether it's in the street, at work, car park, in a bar or in your own home, please, please respect that gut feeling. Staying safe needs to be our primary objective. We can build better lives, but we have to stay safe to do that.
Speaker 1:And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast and share it with your fellow smart women and allies. Together, we're hopefully reshaping the narrative around women and making better decisions. So until next time, stay sharp, stay savvy and keep your critical thinking hat shiny. This is Annie McCubbin signing off from why Smart Women. See you later. This episode was produced by Harrison Hess. It was executive produced and written by me, annie McCubbin.
