Episode 02 - Grief, Growth, and Finding Myself

In this episode of Hey Pops, I start with a heartfelt thank you to all of you who’ve been tuning in. Your support means the world to me. Today, I’m diving into the unexpected twists of launching this podcast and how it’s been a dual exercise—processing grief and learning new skills along the way.

I’m sharing some of the struggles and small victories, like figuring out podcast platforms, celebrating my first paid gig, and navigating through the vulnerability of putting myself out there. I also touch on the deeper challenges: adjusting to life without my dad, figuring out who I am now, and trying to live in this new skin that grief has forced me into.

Join me as I reflect on all that I’m grieving—not just the loss of my dad but the many other parts of life that have shifted. It’s raw, it’s real, and at times a little rambly. But that’s grief, right? It doesn’t follow a plan.

I’d love to hear from you—whether you knew my dad or have gone through your own journey of grief. Send me a voicemail, a message, or even just a "hi." Let’s keep this connection going. And hey, while you're at it, learn something!

Episode Highlights:

• [00:00:00] - Opening with Gratitude: A heartfelt thank you to listeners for their support.
• [00:01:00] - The Struggles of Letting Go of Control: Grief isn't something you can structure, and that’s been a hard lesson.
• [00:03:00] - Learning Through Podcasting: From post-production to publishing, it's all new territory.
• [00:04:00] - Celebrating the Small Victories: My first paid gig in this new chapter of life.
• [00:05:00] - Vulnerability and Marketing Myself: The fear of being seen and heard as I rebuild my career.
• [00:07:00] - Grieving More Than Just My Dad: Exploring all the different forms of grief I'm carrying.
• [00:10:00] - Who Am I Now? Discovering who this new version of me is post-loss.
• [00:11:00] - The Constant Presence of Grief: It never goes away, but we grow around it.
• [00:12:00] - Finding My Style and Identity Again: How grief has changed my perspective on everything, including how I present myself.
• [00:16:00] - Closing Thoughts: This podcast is bringing me back to life, and I’m excited to see where it goes from here.

My Fave Takeaways:

• Grief is nonlinear and unique to each person.
• Small victories are worth celebrating, especially in times of darkness.
• It’s okay to ask for help—whether that’s financial, emotional, or otherwise.
• Figuring out who you are after loss is a journey in itself.
• Lean into what feels good, even when the world feels heavy.

Links & Resources:

• Learn more about the podcast - https://coriorak.com/hey-pops-podcast
• Submit your own voicemail or story about Dan - https://www.speakpipe.com/HeyPops
• Get involved and learn more about the Dan Culhane Memorial Fund - https://www.danculhanememorialfund.org/

Subscribe & Review: If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review. Your feedback helps others find the show and supports me in sharing these stories.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello, my lovely listeners. I just wanted to start this episode with a great big thank you. I am beyond words, filled with love and gratitude of the support of people listening to this podcast, of people asking questions, of people giving feedback, of people sharing it. And it's giving me something to look forward to each week.

And it's giving me something to commit to myself, to really connect to myself and to my dad for at least the rest of the year. Who knows? But the thank you is not enough. I know it's just 15 minutes of your time. Maybe it'll be 20 minutes someday. But that 15 minutes of your precious, precious time spent with me holding space, listening to my story is, uh, the best thing that's happened to me this year.

So thank you. Each and every person out there listening. You matter to me. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hey, I'm Cori, and this is Hey Pops.[00:01:00] 

I actually was a little stuck on what I should talk about today. I, of course, have planned out, you know, to the freaking minute. I'm someone who likes everything to be thoroughly planned out, thoroughly described, and I need to know every single step of what's going to happen and what's to come and, you know, I'm realizing that this is an exercise.

This is an experience that I can't structure. And I think that's really fitting because grief, oh boy. Grief is not something you can structure. It's not linear. It's not. I mean, I don't even know if I fully believe in the five stages of grief. I think it's completely and utterly unique. I think grief happens to us so many times in our life, and I think there's so many times that we don't even stop and [00:02:00] acknowledge that we are grieving.

So, I thought I would just let it rip. So far, I've learned already a lot on how to publish a podcast. I had before only done the post production, the, um, not even post production. I've only done really like a lot of editing, audio and video editing. And then I've helped a lot with planning and the, the pre production, the organization, the, the setup, the planning, the strategy, the, you know, recording schedule, blah, blah, blah.

So I've now learned how to launch it, how to publish it and upload it and how to track it and trial. An error and troubleshoot and, um, I'm getting stumped. Some things are taking longer than I thought they would. Some things are easier. For example, on Apple podcast, I can't figure out how to get my images to change with the episodes, even though it changes on [00:03:00] Buzzsprout and on Spotify and other places and playing around with transcribing variations, what my show notes should look like.

Again, this whole thing is. A dual exercise in exploring my grief and learning. So on the learning part, I've been also working on my one and only paying client, my first paycheck of the year, which I cried. I'm not going to lie. I cried when that payment came through and it's less than half my rent, but honestly, I have never felt more rich than being paid for a new skill.

I'm being valued. And so I'm learning how to actually produce, start to finish a show with a friend of mine. And I'm learning how to make a documentary style interviewing show, which is only four episodes, but there's about 15 or 20 people that are interviewed and you know, two or three 10 minute clips for each person.

So I'm learning [00:04:00] a ton. I'm having fun just kind of like learning through repetition and editing and I'm really excited to see how that goes. So once that's live, I'll share it here because you better believe I'm going to be hella proud of it. I'm already proud of it. So yeah, I, I feel good. I feel terrified at putting myself out there.

There's some wind in the background right now, and wind makes me think of dad. I decided to record outside because recording in my room to make the sound better bummed me out. It made me really nervous. And so I'm now just sitting at my desk, staring outside, getting clearly distracted by wind and sounds.

But, um, good distracted because the wind makes me think of my dad. But, um, I don't even know what I was saying. And I'll listen back and maybe I'll cut this out. But maybe I won't because. That's my brain. Oh, I'm just, I'm feeling scared. I, I have to start marketing myself and putting myself out there and talking to strangers and make it a [00:05:00] name for myself and get paying clients.

Start earning a living so that I can survive. I'm not ashamed to say that I, I took out a loan because I started to feel very financial, uh, insecure and terrified. And so I took out a loan because why not? I mean, I was talking to my therapist about this and I don't know what it is. And I don't know if this is female based more than male or if this is.

My generation or I don't know what it is, but you know that feeling where you tough it out and you don't take headache medicine just because you pull out of like you don't take headache medicine purely because you think you can get through it like you can drink water and it'll go away or eat or whatever it is.

And sometimes you just need to take that medicine. And feel better. And that's what I needed to do. I just needed to get financial help. Uh, so I did. And I feel better. And I feel like it's going to free me up to market from a place of authenticity and sincerity, rather [00:06:00] than fear and, um, becoming like a slimy, pushy version of myself to get money so that I'm not scared.

So I'm scared of the next steps about putting myself out there, about getting clients. about being heard and being seen, especially after such a fucking dark time. Just an epically, epically dark, dark motorbike, an epically dark time. I mean, I've only just now in the last few days started to feel kind of like.

Actually, like, I would say July. July till now. End of July till now. August. Let's go with August. I have started to feel more like myself. I've started to go out with friends more. I went on a weekend beach trip with some friends. I felt like a human again. I think one of the things I was really struggling with is the grief aspect, this baggage that I'm carrying around.

For one, I'm carrying around like 100 extra pounds of weight because of grief and depression. [00:07:00] And I don't know, my my lack of being able to move, my lack of being able to consume anything that wasn't something that brought me comfort or joy because it was the only thing I could actually control. So I'm carrying.

around all these things. And that means that when I go out and I only don't feel like myself in my own skin, I don't know how to introduce myself. I feel my grief therapist had this great phrase where she was not great phrase, but brought up this point where way, way, way back when I don't know, Victorian era or whenever and in different cultures, you wear a color signaling to others that you're grieving.

And I kind of wish we did that. in all cultures around the world so that I feel like I need a name tag, like, especially for the last two years that have been the hardest is I needed a name tag. Oh my God, like a service dog vest. Like, hey, I'm nice, but please don't talk to me. I'm going through some really heavy shit or like I just lost my dad and I don't know what the hell to do or I lost my dad and I'm getting a divorce.

So please [00:08:00] don't feed the animals. I just, I don't know how to introduce myself. So I've got this safe tight knit group here in Bali and they're friends that I met in 2016 when we first moved here. And it's a couple of girlfriends and they're Indonesian, which for some reason feels very comforting and like, I don't have to prove myself to them, which is just beautiful.

My friends here, it's three girlfriends. And then, uh, when I go back to Vietnam, it's. my Vietnamese friends that I go to sea with. And I don't know if it's just because I've lived abroad for as long as I have, but I don't have that many Western friends. And I find I struggle in Western social groups and settings.

So when I go out now, I feel like I don't know how to introduce myself because My friends are still the friends I had when I was married, when I did have a dad, when I worked in this big, beautiful company. And I feel like if I see someone that I knew from way back when, or that first catch up is like either the Eeyore [00:09:00] aspect where I feel like, Well, I'm doing better.

I've got up today. Today, I showered. Poor me. My world is ending. Which is true. All is valid. Eeyore was still invited out to the parties. Either that or I feel like when someone's like, what's up? I'm like, well, I'm, I'm, I'm divorced now. I, I, my dad died. I feel like I have to list my grievances, get them up to date on who I am now.

And to be honest, nobody cares. The people that are still in my life from the past already know the path I traveled to get here. I continuously have to remind myself that I'm a whole new person now. Something about grief is that you never are the person you were before. I will never be Cori with a dad.

I will never be wife Cori. Well, who knows if that, I don't know. I don't see it. But I will never be. For sure, Cori with a dad, because that chapter closed, and now I'm a whole new person, and I don't care how old you are, when you lose your parent, it fucks you up, I don't care how close you are with your [00:10:00] parent, when you lose them, it makes you think things, mortality becomes more evident, everything is just seen through new eyes.

And I have to remember that I just am this woman now, and I get to be this woman now, and I need to step into that woman a little bit more and just understand and learn and get to know her and find out what she likes. What's her favorite things now? I mean, my favorite things are pretty much the same. My Nintendo, books, and eating.

Binge watching young adult TV series. Soap opera type shit. Oh boy, the core is still there. Still the geekiest weirdo with puzzles and word search books and you name it, I've got it. But I don't know who's she going to be. Who is she now? What are the new things? I'm in that stage of the grieving process where I'm trying it on now.

And I think one of the best visuals of the grieving process is I've seen a few different variations of it, but one is with a jar. And. The [00:11:00] grief remains the same size. You just get bigger jars. So it's always there. It's just making enough room for it. And I think it adds to who I am. It adds to who I'm going to be.

It adds to what my life looks like. I mean, it definitely changed the trajectory of my life. It changed, I don't know how to explain it, the importance I put on things. It's not that serious, except for when I'm feeling catastrophic and depressive. But just on the, on the whole, who cares? It's not that big a deal.

I'm lucky to be alive. I'm lucky to be here. I'm lucky to be able to move my body. I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud that I got this far and I'm excited to see what's next. So this might be the weirdest episode, but this is what the experience is. I mean, I think what I'd like to say is that I'm grieving so much more than just my dad.

I'm grieving the woman I thought I was. I'm grieving the marriage I had. I'm grieving a lot of different [00:12:00] relationships that I no longer have. I'm grieving the body that I used to have. I'm grieving what, how things used to be. Old routines, old rhythms, old things that felt so natural. I'm grieving that they don't feel natural any longer.

And I think that labeling all of those elements of grief and really calling out what I see helps me explore this path. It helps me explore life. And yeah, it feels good. I feel like I'm on another side, another level, but it's still here. I mean, for the last 72 hours, I'd say the end of last week, I was in such an identity crisis.

And scared of money and scared of finding work. And I had this holy shit moment, this, Oh, fuck, what has my life become? What did I do? I mean, I changed everything in my life and I had this. What did I do? Where is everybody moment? And then on Sunday, I gave myself the day to just map it all [00:13:00] out just for one month, not for the rest of the year, not make any huge grand goals and plans.

But I just wrote it all out. And I wrote all the things I was proud of and all the things That just got a huge gust of wind. All the things that I'm proud of and that feel good lean into the things that are feeling good right now. And so it's all gone. That that whole crisis was there for so many days in a row that I got a little scared that I might be going backwards.

When it's the ebb and flow, it's the pendulum swinging back and forth of, of living, of grief, of experiencing everything. I realized that part of it was because I suddenly was really out there and visible and working, and it just felt really vulnerable. And I think that I got scared that I'm not going to be able to sustain it.

And maybe I won't sustain it and maybe putting out an episode every single week isn't going to be realistic for me. But that's the goal. Finding [00:14:00] clients is the goal. Having fun and learning is the goal. A new goal for the new body of Corey is to find her style. What is she now? I mean, I have lived in exercise shorts, biker shorts and T shirts.

For about two and a half years, if I go out, I go out in the same like two outfits and I feel super self conscious and that's got to change. I mean, when I'm out, I'm having a great time and the people around me are having a great time. So who in the hell cares? Why bother the energy that I'm wasting on that dumb, dumb, dumb societal pressure on image?

I got to shake that off and build the style, whatever it is. So I'm loving this. I am learning something and I hope you learn something too.

And that's it. Episode two in the bag. I don't know if all the episodes will be as rambly pambly as this one. I don't know if they'll [00:15:00] have a direction or if I'll try to go back to the guide I made myself. I made myself list out of quite a bit of heavies of what's happened and everything, but I think I need to play it by ear.

You know, I think I want to focus on How I dealt with the grief, what grief looked like for me. But then I want to just really celebrate my dad. So I have a few like themed discussions in mind, but I'm excited to continue diving deeper into my relationship with my dad, my grief, my life post dad and being a podcaster.

I mean, ideally, I'm just a podcast producer. an editor, but I'm not gonna lie. I don't hate the sound of my own voice and I love to talk. Anyone who knows me knows I love to talk. So I don't know if this is the start of a whole new chapter of my life where I do podcast because I do want to talk through, you know, the incredible life I've led so far.

It's very interesting to me, obviously, [00:16:00] but this is a start. This is a lifesaver. This is something that is bringing me back to life. Thank you for listening. Thank you for liking and subscribing and downloading and rating and reviewing, doing whatever you're doing to support. I would love to hear from anyone who knows my dad, anyone who's been touched by my dad, or anyone who's experienced grief of a parent.

That's in the show notes, how to record a voicemail. You can hit a link in the show notes To send me a text message, that can literally be a text message that says like, Hi Corey, just say hi. I need more human interactions in my life. Thank you. Do all the things that you can do. You mean the world to me.

And learn something. Anything. Just learn something.