A Boomer and GenXer Walk into a Bar
Wit and wisdom, some smart assery, and a Mother and Daughter questioning “Are we even related?”
A Boomer and GenXer Walk into a Bar
Rebuilding the Modern Village: How Family Dynamics Changed S:1E31
What happened to the village that once raised our children? In this provocative mother-daughter conversation, we tackle the controversial reality of modern family support systems and why they've fundamentally changed across generations.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s, the traditional "village" meant grandparents who gladly stepped in after school, neighbors who watched out for each other's children, and extended family who remained deeply connected to daily life. Fast forward to today, and something fundamental has shifted. We dive fearlessly into why this support system has crumbled – from the rise of divorce that fractured family networks to the financial realities forcing both parents to work full-time while children are raised in daycare.
The uncomfortable truth? Both of us discuss our own family dynamics and hold nothing back! Perhaps most importantly, we examine consciously breaking "generational curses" – rejecting toxic family dynamics that were previously tolerated in the name of family obligation, even when it meant further fragmenting traditional support systems.
Join our candid conversation that bridges generational perspectives as we explore the challenges of modern parenting and how we might rebuild meaningful support networks for today's families. Subscribe, leave a review, and share your thoughts with us at boomerandjenexer@gmail.com!
email: boomerandgenxer@gmail.com
welcome everyone to today's show. Boomer and jen actually walk into a bar, coming to you from the rabbit hole and rabbit run studio, where you, as our listener, will experience some wit and wisdom, some smart assery and a mother and daughter questioning. Are we even related? My name is Jane Burt and my co-host is my daughter, bobbi Joy, and for the next several minutes we're going to entertain you. So, bobbi, how are you doing today? It's cold, it's cold, it is cold. But the reason that we said that we are in the rabbit run and the rabbit hole is because Dr Domain is down in Georgia and you and I are in Iowa enjoying this cold weather.
Speaker 2:It's cold here too. It's really cold, oh whatever.
Speaker 1:I think it was 75 there today, wasn't it? Or 78. It actually got down to um maybe 69. Oh, my goodness, boo hoo, frickin, who, anyone? We? We don't feel sorry for you at all, dr domain. Sorry about that, hey, bobby. So, um, did you think of a topic?
Speaker 2:for today I did, and you might want to sit down, buckle up and grab a drink for this one because, this one might piss off a lot of boomers about what I'm about to say.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. So do I need an alcoholic drink? Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 2:I think we're all going to need alcoholic drinks after this.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, let's see what you got. What is our topic for today, Bobby?
Speaker 2:So this isn't your grandparents' village and I'm going to explain there. So you know, today we have a disconnect that didn't really exist, or was the exception way back when boomers were raising their kids. And I am going to come out swinging on this one and I'm going to say it's all the boomers' fault and I can't explain my stance.
Speaker 1:So we're taking fault and I don't even know what of yet. Go ahead, start shooting, so you know you know how you know.
Speaker 2:You know growing up you had a village. Yeah, you know. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Yes, well with us growing up. You know, you remember we had cousins and aunts and uncles and especially grandparents that they had no problem stepping in and helping out when they could taking the kids after school helping, you know, take them to soccer practice, whatever they did. And I'm telling you right now that that doesn't exist anymore. What?
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. Are you sure it doesn't just exist in our family, and maybe it?
Speaker 2:exists in other people's families. I wish I could say that it's just our family, but more and more often I'm actually seeing this, and it's a huge problem because nowadays, you know, we have more of a financial issue than we had before. So, you know, when it comes down to two-parent, even two-parent households, both parents have to work in order to make bills. Who's watching those kids? Daycare is raising them? Because and I'm going to call you out on this one you get parents like parents of Gen Xers who retire. They're not retiring like our grandparents did they're?
Speaker 2:not sitting around going. Oh, you know I'm here. If the grandkids need me, I'll take them. I can't find you half the time.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. So this, I see where we're going with this one Do you yeah this is your opportunity to come after me. No, I'm not coming after you. What you sound like you are, I'm not coming after you.
Speaker 2:You kind of are. You got to admit it, though. You guys had the village you guys had. You know, when we went out in the neighborhood, all the neighbor kids that we played with, all their parents knew us. We were over there, you know, playing stuff like that we had. You know the schools were more involved in our lives, the sports teams, the they were involved in our lives and, like I said, the cousins, the aunts, the uncles and even, you know, back when we were growing up, it was more common to have a stay-at-home mom than it is now, and I would say probably like the 70s and 80s, maybe a little bit of the 90s, is when it really started to change because of things like single parent households.
Speaker 1:Well, and I don't, I'm not going to disagree with you. So I will a little bit on some of the attacks. But I I'm not going to disagree with you because you know, at one point, many, many years ago, you know women stepped up and said, hey, whatever a man can do, we can do too.
Speaker 2:So you know, women stepped up and said hey, whatever a man can do, we can do too.
Speaker 1:And, you know, whatever you can do in the business world, we can do it too, and we want to get paid the same and we want the same opportunities and that sort of thing. And at the time because I remember when this whole system started to change, we were stay-at-home moms for a long time and there were two parents that were, you know, raising these kids, and the neighbors, you know, would watch our kids as much as we would watch their kids and we were watching them for safety and we were watching them for safety.
Speaker 2:Our cousins, our sisters, our brothers, my parents, you know, would take care of you kids every once in a while and babysit, and we had a hundred cousins that would, you know, play with us or watch us or babysit us or you know things like that. And that's just how it was back then.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so when we say that you know it takes a village to raise a child, it isn't just the neighborhood, it's all of that extended family that was helping too and knew what was going on with their nieces and nephews and and aunts and uncles and visited them on a regular basis and that sort of thing. And it is true that I do believe the older generation now, boomers and Gen Xers because you know, gen Xers are grandparents now too yeah, they have other things that are going on. Not only are they working and trying to make a living and trying to meet the bills, but there's things they want to do too. They want to take trips, they want to go out and play pickleball, they want to golf, they want to hike, they want to ride bicycles, they want to see their friends, they want to go do these things, and so the kids do kind of get left out of that or they get taken with. But you know it's kind of a whole different ballgame. So I do understand what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Like with you, you had your kids young. So your young life was raising children, you know, taking care of a family, and I mean we were feral kids in those times. You know we were the be seen and not heard type of generation. You know we were let outside If you were thirsty you had the garden hose.
Speaker 2:Don't let them out. Yeah, I mean, like you know, we had the pure sugar snacks, the don't see you till dinner time. But yeah, we did have that village out there looking out for us. And then the single parent homes did start becoming a norm and a lot of what happened, I think, during that time and as a child of a divorced family I saw it firsthand there was a lot of bitterness. You know, this was like a almost like a first generation of these single parent homes and it was more about. I saw a lot of in-family fighting where it was well, it's not your time, so I don't want your parents to take care of the kids Instead of they're your grandparents. I would love to have the help. You know, regardless if it's your time or not, and there was, I mean, there was and there still is.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of infighting that affects the children without them realizing that it affects the children and a lot of us, they, we fell through the cracks. You know, we, we were basically the, the single parent kids that you know. Mom had us full time. Dad got us every other weekend and sometimes during the summer, but mom had to work full time. All of a sudden, you know, dad didn't have the responsibility of picking us up after school, things like that.
Speaker 2:And then you have the families that are split apart because it was a bitter divorce. So now these cousins hate these cousins and we don't ever, you know, talk or go to family events, anymore type of thing, and it kind of just splits it right down the middle and these kids fall into these cracks. And on top of that, you know, you have these families being broken up and what happens? What happens when you get a divorce? You got to move nine times out of 10, you got to move. You sell the house, you split whatever it is, you got to move. So now you're in a new neighborhood, new neighbors, you don't know so, and a lot of times you would have to move again in a year and again in two years, and so you didn't have that neighborhood that felt like family, because it was new neighbors every you know, couple years or a couple months, and so it was really hard to rebuild that village while simultaneously rebuilding your life.
Speaker 1:Well, bobbi, I think you just right there, in a nutshell, put together what's wrong with our society today.
Speaker 2:I'm serious as a heart attack.
Speaker 1:So let's you know we can only talk about it from our own perspectives, right? So I went through a divorce. My girls were involved. There was a lot of bitterness, and I don't think that's unusual for any type of divorce situation. If you can do it amicably, wonderful. But there's always something being said about the other. You know parent or you know and I do find this to be a sad situation where sometimes the moms keep the dads away from the parent or from the kids or vice versa, and so many kids need their dads to have a male figure in these kids' lives is really, really necessary.
Speaker 2:I mean, sometimes these other parents go off the deep end and they're not safe to be around kids. We're not talking about that, we're talking about just you know I hate you because you're moving on Right.
Speaker 1:A lot of jealousy, a lot of resentment, a lot of hate. And yeah, I don't disagree with you. You know, I think back of when you kids, like I said, when you were little, you know my mom and dad would watch you guys and we'd go off and do something. But you know, I thought about this and I thought, man, I'm out doing all kinds of stuff. I mean I was doing gladiator challenges. Heck, I was just doing gladiator challenges up until a couple of years ago. I was running relays, I was doing you know all kinds of stuff out riding my bike, traveling, but I was still working at that time. But I thought about my mom and my mom at 50, was tired.
Speaker 2:But she had like what nine kids? I'd be damn tired.
Speaker 1:Well, I was the last of seven kids seven, yeah, my dad worked constantly and my mom didn't work. She never worked outside the house, home, she worked at home, but she never outside the home and my mom was tired and I think you know at what I was doing when I was 50, hell, what I'm doing today, you know and I'm well over 50. And well over 50.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And my, my mom couldn't have done what I do today, even at 50. And I look at several of my friends that you know have been very sedentary and and still do the grandkid thing, that they live for the grandkids or they're taking care of their elderly parents, that sort of thing, and they're not as mobile. And I guess there's a generation here of the baby boomers that have taken good care of themselves, that have worried about their health, that have been very, very active, that do worry about their weight, worry about their health, and so, since we are still in pretty darn good shape, we're going to keep doing whatever it is that we can do while we can still do it now.
Speaker 2:Well yeah. Retirement means travel and sports and hobbies and, and you know, all kinds of things that it could never have meant for your parents.
Speaker 1:No retirement for my parents would have been, you know, just waiting for the grandkids to show up or waiting for the kids to show up, going to church, you know, taking care of the house, that sort of thing. But you know, I think about that now that you, you know, now that we're talking about it, you know where does that leave you and your kids? Now, I see your kids probably more than I see your sisters, just primarily because of geographic location. You're much closer to me and so I do see your kids, but I don't see them on a regular basis. Now, some of that has to do with your kids too.
Speaker 2:And yeah, and there are a lot of them. You know, a lot of my kids are older now. They have jobs, they have you know they're, they're starting to form their own lives and stuff like that. But I mean, let's be honest, I think it's been like maybe twice that you're like, oh, bring all the grandkids over and all. You can't handle all that shit.
Speaker 1:I can't do it anymore. I used to. I used to take the kids to the apple orchard every year in october. I used to take them to the swimming pool. I used to take them a lot of places and let's tell people between me and my sister.
Speaker 2:Okay, you have eight grandchildren between me and my sister and you also, you also have three, two great grandchildren. Three great grandchildren, yep, no, four, now four great grandchildren. Yes, so it's not like you had three grandchildren to to wrangle and you know it was an easy number.
Speaker 1:There's eight freaking kids running around here okay, like it fell on wheels, so I did try to corral all of them at certain times right, you remember me doing that, and you also gave them each individual time, yeah, and so you try to do that.
Speaker 1:but there there are a lot of them. And now you know, even when I retired, um, people ask me are you going to move? Because I'm about an hour from my other daughter, and at the time I think you were down in Des Moines also. People asked me are you going to move closer to your kids and grandkids? And I said no, why would I? And they said, well, so you can do stuff. I said my grandkids and my daughters first of all. My daughters work for a living and they work a lot of hours and my grandkids have their own thing going on. They're not going to be on my doorstep, they're not. They just aren't going to do it. You know why they're starting to become young adults and they're doing their own thing. So during the years by which they were growing up and being their smallest, I was working. I was working constantly. My mom never worked.
Speaker 2:Not only that, but I mean I lived in Texas. I lived in Texas for four years while my three older ones were under five, and so that was a big gap. You know, in that that smallness, you know cuteness type of range where grandkids are real cute, and so, yeah, I mean it was a big gap. But let's also talk about what Gen X and later are doing right now and let's talk about breaking generational curses. So this is a huge thing that is actually dismantling the quote unquote village, and a lot of it is because we're not going to stand up for the abuse, the hate, the assaults, the comments, the pervy uncle, just because he's your uncle and you got to deal with him, type of thing. We're not doing that anymore. So, you know, if we have a family member that is acting like that and other family members are allowing it, we're cutting the whole side out and we're not even sorry about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and, and I just I want to go into that a little bit more because I've always said that same thing. So you have a daughter that cannot stand to be hugged. She doesn't like personal attention, she doesn't like anybody kissing or hugging her. She's just not that type of kid, right. And I remember when you kids were younger we'd always go give grandma and and grandpa a kiss and a hug, bye. And a lot of kids would shy away from that and I have always said and especially because of your child, if they don't want to give somebody a hug or a kiss, they don't need to. Now, once in a while, I'll grab your daughter and I'll hug her just to irritate her.
Speaker 1:That's just to irritate her, though that's just to irritate her. But that's just the irritator, though that's not force the love.
Speaker 1:But if, if some kid does not feel, I don't have any problem with that. I really and truly don't. I try really hard. I mean, luckily, most of my grandkids are huggers too, and I was not a hugger. You know why? Why I wasn't hugged. I had my own issues when I was a kid, um, and we're not going to talk about that, but I didn't get hugged. I didn't get that affection, I didn't get that love, and so that got passed on to you kids. Even though I hugged you and kissed you, I wasn't, and I've always said this and maybe you'll disagree.
Speaker 1:I always said I think I was a really good parent. I was just a piss poor mom, and the reason I say that is because, as a parent, I think we have an obligation to teach our kids safety, respect, honesty, principles. You know those sorts of things. Provide for them Right, provide for them. I think I did all of that and I think I did a good job being a parent, because you kids never went without and you you got plenty of stuff. There was no doubt about it.
Speaker 1:But I think I was a piss poor mom and this gets back to that legacy trauma that you're talking about. That you know we want to break is I didn't have it. Well, my dad was abused. He passed that on to me. I started to pass it on to you kids, right? And so I again, you know, I think, you know, I think I didn't have it in me. Now do I today. Now you guys push me away, going get your slobber box face off of me. You know? No, I'm just kidding, I am Well, I mean you, you are and you're an amazing grandmother.
Speaker 2:Let's put that out there first.
Speaker 1:You know you are an amazing grandmother to these kids are you saying I'm not an amazing mom too by now?
Speaker 2:I'm saying that you did the best that you could with the tools that you had at the time and I think that's fair, and I think that's fair.
Speaker 1:And I think that's fair for a lot of people from my generation, because we did come from and I'll be the first to say I don't mind whooping a kid, you know, I don't, I don't mind doing it. No, she doesn't, she doesn't mind it at all, I don't mind it at all. But beating, you know, beating that's you know, come on, we could go there. I'm not going to go there, but it is different. It is different today and we have tried to break all of that right.
Speaker 1:I got married very young, had my children very young. We've tried to break that scenario and that legacy trauma, and now we've tried to really listen to the kids and tried to break that trauma too and break those things. And I think that people have to kind of look back and say you know, if this is happening with my child, you know what happened that caused this, because there's always a cause and effect. And what happened to cause this and you know the other thing is is my dad had a horrible temper and I told you I was the last of seven kids. I too still have a horrible temper now.
Speaker 1:I do too. I've curbed that because I control it now, right, but there was a time period that I didn't. Who paid for that? My children paid for that and the people around me paid for that, because you didn't even have to invite me to a fight. I was there, I was showing up and I was was there and my mouth was running, and that all comes from things that happen from our childhood. Now I'm not saying that that's an excuse, it's not. There had to come a time when I had to buck up and say listen, every decision that I make today is based on me as an adult. I have that control now. I have that authority now. I have the ability to break that now, and I had to do that. I think we all have that strength. We just have to recognize it.
Speaker 2:So I think that's I was going to say. Let's talk about another point though in this village thing, and it's going to be my last point personally but let's talk about the fact that sometimes the village is crumbling because of the parents, because we have grandparents and great grandparents who are out here raising their grandchildren, and so what's the detriment?
Speaker 1:to that.
Speaker 2:So the detriment to that is, well, number one. These kids don't have their parents, correct? You have grandparents who have already raised their children, who no longer have the village of their parents because they've passed on by now. You know they're older, they're not here anymore to help, and you have, you know, the grandparents that are are raising these kids and I mean, it's a struggle. I wouldn't want to raise my grandkids. You know, I told my kids that I'm raising you to not raise my grandchildren, right, right, and unfortunately, unfortunately, a lot of people don't have that and these grandparents are stepping in. Thank God they're stepping in because a lot of times it's all that these kids have between them and foster care, but it's also a crumbling of the village once again.
Speaker 1:Yep, I totally see your point and I agree with you what we can do to help rebuild that village. I don't have the answer to that Other than get involved, be involved. But you know, I will say right now, I would never step in if you were having some issue with one of your kids. I don't step in any longer. There was a time when I would have an idea uh, if I feel that there's something unsafe, it's a totally different story, but I don't have to worry about that. Uh, but if that there's something unsafe, it's a totally different story, but I don't have to worry about that. But if it's something else, I have an adult to adult discussion with you, right, and then you make your decisions based on. But you know, you and Modesty, my other daughter, are both good parents and you know. But whatever we can do to help recreate that village, that's what we've got to do.
Speaker 2:But and we have. We have, you know, through I won't say through no fault of your own, but using the best tools that you had at the time we do have a lot of generational curses to break. Yeah, and I think that it's very important. We're not perfect, you in the moment. We need to recognize that that is a generational curse, that we need to stop it. We need to rer understanding and more involved, more involved in each other's lives, when we can. I mean, I get it. You know you have your kids young and, by God, in the next 10 years, I hope like hell I'm traveling in an RV somewhere, but I, you know, I I'm still going to stop off and see my kids and help them out and know, give them calls and invite them with me every once in a while and things like that. But I get it. You know, I get the reasons why the village is crumbling, but people need to understand that it's not the same village anymore and it never will be.
Speaker 1:It never will be but let's not give up. Let's try to recreate. Let's try to up, let's try to recreate, let's try to make it a better place, let's try to rebuild a new village.
Speaker 2:Rebuild a new village? Yeah, because I have friends that I honestly I trust and I care for more than some family members and they care for my kids like they're their own kids and I would not hesitate to build a village around those people.
Speaker 1:I agree with you, Bobbi, I agree. Well, I think that's probably all the time we have.
Speaker 2:Bob, I think it is. But you know, we really do appreciate everyone who joins us here at the Rabbit Hole and Rabbit Run Studio. So be sure to follow us, like us, subscribe to us, give us comments on Spotify, send us an email at boomerandjenexer at gmailcom. You can find us on Facebook. Send us a message, make a comment. Hey, if you got more show ideas that you want to hear us debate, let us know. We do have a list, but we would be glad to add it to that list. But if you have hate mail, you know where you can put it. So until next week, I'm Bobbi Joy and I'm Jane Burt and you're stuck with us Peace out Later.