A Boomer and GenXer Walk into a Bar
Wit and wisdom, some smart assery, and a Mother and Daughter questioning “Are we even related?”
A Boomer and GenXer Walk into a Bar
Red Flags, Deal Breakers, and Broken Pickers. Are You An Investigator In Your Relationship? S:1E:42
"You don't have to claim every clown that comes into your ring." With this colorful warning, mother-daughter duo Jane and Bobbi dive headfirst into the complex world of relationship boundaries in this refreshingly honest episode.
Drawing from their own romantic misadventures, the hosts distinguish between red flags (warning signs of potential problems) and deal breakers (non-negotiable issues that end relationships). Their candid conversation reveals why we so often ignore early warning signs despite their significance – our fear of loneliness, misguided belief we can "fix" partners, and tendency to question our own judgment rather than acknowledge problematic behavior.
The discussion takes an intimate turn when Jane shares her five-year journey after discovering her husband's infidelity. "Every single time he got a call, I'd think 'is that a woman?'" she reveals, painting a vivid picture of the psychological toll of broken trust. Her poignant question to listeners – "Do you want to be an investigator in your own relationship?" – gets to the heart of why setting boundaries matters.
Whether you're currently coupled, recovering from heartbreak, or cautiously entering the dating world, this episode offers both validation and valuable guidance. Their generational perspectives provide a roadmap for establishing healthy boundaries and recognizing when it's time to walk away. Share your own relationship red flags with us at boomerandgenxr@gmail.com – we'd love to hear what you've learned about setting boundaries in your own life.
email: boomerandgenxer@gmail.com
Welcome everyone to today's show. A boomer and a Gen Xer walk into a bar, coming to you from the rabbit hole studio, where you, as our listeners, will experience some wit and wisdom, some smart assery and a mother and a daughter questioning are we? We even related? My name is Jane and my co-host is my daughter, bobby, and for the next several minutes we're here to entertain you. Hello, bobby, hello. So the topic today has got you already drinking.
Speaker 2:I had to pre-game.
Speaker 1:She had to pre-game. She's tailgating down there. She has a pretty stiff drink in front of her Second drink.
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness, is it your second drink? It is my second. It is very stiff, very stiff man.
Speaker 1:So the topic is really going to kind of push you over the edge. Do you have your emotional chicken there?
Speaker 2:handy my emotional support chicken yeah.
Speaker 1:He'll probably leave me too. Clap this. Oh my gosh, that's funny. Um, so our topic for today is going to be, uh, kind of red flags and deal breakers in relationships. What, what? Yeah, oh, she's taken another drink already.
Speaker 2:I mean I see red flags. I think it's a circus and those are my clowns.
Speaker 1:You don't have to claim every clown that comes into your ring. I mean, I know that you think you do. Not my circus but I know those clowns. I know those clowns and I think I've dated them.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So do you know what the difference is? We'll see if you know what you do know and maybe why you have so many failed relationships. But hey, listen. Okay, Dr Phil, please, so listen. No, I got no room to talk right Until I found my man. I have had some major situations and major failures, so my picker has been broke for many, many, many years. It's genetic. Oh my god. Oh my god. One more thing for you to blame me for both your girls.
Speaker 1:Oh, our pickers are broke oh, you can say this at my funeral it's my mom's fault, I mean you're gonna be blaming me for everything else, like you do right now. Yeah funeral party yeah, at the big party party down. Um, so the difference between a red flag, okay, and a deal breaker. So let's talk about red flags and relationships. What do you think a red flag is when we talk about?
Speaker 2:like what the definition is overall, or like what is a red flag.
Speaker 1:No, what? What's the definition of a red flag?
Speaker 2:okay, it would be something that would cause you to be on alert for other red flags, to know. I mean, basically it's where you draw the line this is.
Speaker 1:This is where she fails in relationships.
Speaker 2:Okay drinks in. Okay, so it would be something that would just alert you to.
Speaker 1:Hey, maybe something you know that I'm not going to want to tolerate 10 years down the road is yeah is is happening, yeah so, uh, a red flag in a relationship really is kind of a warning sign indicating you know potential problems, as you said, either now in your current relationship or maybe it could rear its ugly head later on in life, and so you.
Speaker 2:Well, that's because we overlook them at first, because you know we want to be with this person, and then, after five, ten years, it's hard to overlook anymore. And you knew, you saw, in the beginning.
Speaker 1:You just didn't want to face it why do you think that we overlook those red flags? Now what this is, whether you're male or female.
Speaker 2:Because we're desperate to be loved by somebody else rather than just giving our love.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes that is probably true. We have this fear of being alone, right, and are we going to be in a relationship? And do we really find that person? And is this our one person? And am I being too critical with this? You know, this thing that I think is a red flag. Maybe I'm just being too critical and so we do tend to tolerate more from people that we've just started dating and women are notorious for this. Psychologically, we always think that we can change them.
Speaker 2:We can fix them like Bob the Builder Get together, ladies, we have a construction crew, okay.
Speaker 1:You might want to back off that drink down there, Bobby. I'm just going to say that.
Speaker 2:We only got a 20-minute show.
Speaker 1:Let's go, let's try to hang tough and stay on the rails. It's closing time, so we always think that we can fix them. I think there's some men that see that too, but women are notorious for that. We can fix them, we can change them, and it isn't a matter of fixing them. They're fixed. I mean they're, they are who, they are right. And, uh, women call it fixing them because they are not what we think.
Speaker 1:You know, we envision them to be, or what we envision them to be as a partner, life partner we see their potential and not their reality yeah, and I think men, on the other hand, overlook a lot of that stuff the red flags and women yeah I think they overlook a lot of those. So what about deal breakers? What's, what would be a definition of a deal breaker?
Speaker 2:something that would in the relationship post haste.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's non-negotiable. Yeah Right, it's a non-negotiable issue that really could lead to ending the relationship. So what do you think some of the common red flags are that people see?
Speaker 2:Oh, other people. Okay, I was worried we were were gonna be diving in already her eyes just got really really big.
Speaker 1:I got sober real quick yeah it was like, oh, am I getting a shot? What do you think some common red flags are bobby that people kind of probably see, or maybe they overlook.
Speaker 2:I think that one big one is instability.
Speaker 1:In what way you mean like job wise Job wise, home wise, if they have kids.
Speaker 2:They're not stable in their kids lives, you know they don't. They kind of have a revolving door of friends that they don't really have, but like maybe one friend that they can hang on to because people just keep coming in and out of their life because of what they're choosing to do. Things like that, just the instability of it all so that's kind of really a lack of commitment.
Speaker 1:That's a lack of committing to being there for your family. It's a lack of wanting to make sure that you're doing the right thing for your family, whether that's holding a job, being home, taking care of the kids like you have to take care of the kids. And how many times have you heard one of the spouses, or one of the not even a spouse a person in your relationship, say oh, I'm babysitting tonight.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, that drives me nuts. If they're your kids, you can never babysit.
Speaker 1:Right, right, and I've heard an idiot I've heard people say that I can't tell the other guys I'm I wouldn't know anything about that, yeah I'm babysitting the kids tonight have you ever heard that doctor domain? Did you use that term? No, I have no idea what you're talking about so if some, if one of your friends called you and said, hey, you know, let's go out and go clubbing, let's say it was young in your younger days, cause if you did it now you'd just be the old man in the bar Red flag.
Speaker 1:But you know, if somebody called you, did you ever say I can't, I'm babysitting tonight.
Speaker 3:No, no no, no one trusts me with their kids no, your own kids, oh my goodness oh, I'm babysitting, I'm watching my own children yes would you call that babysitting?
Speaker 1:that term.
Speaker 3:I'm babysitting my kids tonight no you've heard guys say that though yeah, I have heard that, yeah, yeah, with their own kids, with their own kids With their own kids. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Why would you ever use the term babysitting with your own kids?
Speaker 3:Not that exact term. No, I wouldn't say that.
Speaker 1:I've heard that exact term.
Speaker 3:Why yeah, I?
Speaker 2:know, I would say Dr.
Speaker 1:Domain say like um, oh sorry, I can't go out.
Speaker 3:I have my kids for the weekend.
Speaker 2:Not, I'm babysitting, no.
Speaker 1:I think, in all fairness though that is a common phrase that we hear from the male population. I don't mean to pick on the male population, but the male population does utilize that term. If they are watching their own kids, they say no, I'm babysitting the kids tonight. That is a very, very common term that we have heard over the years and I think every woman out there would agree with that. And if they don't, well then they.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I've never heard that. No.
Speaker 1:Bobby, you have, oh yeah.
Speaker 3:When you use the phrase, when you use the word babysit, it sounds like Like other people's kids, that's like an employable role, right? No kidding, you pay someone to watch your kids.
Speaker 1:God love you. He's just catching up.
Speaker 2:He's catching up. You got it.
Speaker 3:Thank you.
Speaker 2:That's what they're saying is they're using the term as a derogatory for watching their own children? Caring for their own children as I'm babysitting?
Speaker 1:these kids or my kids yeah and women say how are you babysitting your own kids? We watch our kids every single day.
Speaker 3:We don't call it babysitting.
Speaker 1:I've never said I have to babysit my kids.
Speaker 2:You know, I have had to say Well, as adults, you've had to babysit us, yeah no, as you have me.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, I have had to say you, you know I need to go find my kids, but that was only after a week. That was yeah well, it took.
Speaker 2:It took a little while to, but no, I mean that is that is a huge red flag is, like I said, the instability, the you know, like you said, the basic lack of commitment to what they have created, whether it be children, a family, you know, a job, house, whatever. Just the complete lack of commitment and instability of it is just a huge red flag so that's a big red flag for you oh, for me no, I thought we were talking in general, in general, I guess, okay, in general.
Speaker 1:so another one would be controlling behavior. You know, if a man or your significant other has a controlling behavior, now it doesn't just have to be a man. I use that term because you know I'm the female in the relationship.
Speaker 2:It's the do as I say, not as I do, mentality where I can go out to the bar and hang with my friends but you can't because I don't want you to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or I can come home late with no excuse. You know or not call, but don't you dare do it.
Speaker 2:I cannot call you for a week straight, but don't you dare not pick up my phone?
Speaker 1:But there's some more things other than that. I mean, I've seen women in some pretty darn controlling situations, relationships and and they weren't they weren't married to these people. They could have walked away. You know, you kind of have to ask yourself why aren't you? And psychologically, what happens is is we get into this cyclical situation where we want to get out. We don't know how to get out, so we stay in the comfort of what we know, and we know this type of behavior that's, they become comfortable.
Speaker 2:That's the better the devil you know than the one you don't yeah, and so they get fearful of leaving.
Speaker 1:But did you?
Speaker 2:know that even in so there's lots of different forms of abuse, and that is a huge red flag that I would never put up with. But there's like financial abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse. Financial abuse is a huge one for women, especially because of the traditional roles that you know. Men kind of think that, oh, I'm going to go make the money, you stay home. Well then they have financial control over that person, and it takes an average of seven times for a woman to leave a relationship that has some sort of abuse going on, seven times just because of the control, the power, everything that's held over them.
Speaker 2:And so I don't I don't blame the people who stay, but I do always question their circumstances yeah, like especially if they're given, and out if they're given, and the most time, the most dangerous time in a woman's relationship is when she's planning to leave, because that is the time that the most violence happens, the most murder happens, things like that. And so I can't I can't sit here and say that I blame people for being in these relationships once they're in so far. But it goes back to the red flag thing. They were there at the beginning, you chose to ignore them and now they're an issue right regardless if they hid them or not.
Speaker 2:Right, there were signs right.
Speaker 1:So what do you think about? And I see a lot of these memes out there where these women are really kind of gold diggers trying to get the guys to pay for you know, um, not only that, dating them, but, hey, I need you to buy me a car, I need you to pay for my, pay for everything, pay for my rent, pay for all, all of this.
Speaker 1:And what's really? It's sad. It really is sad to see so when you talk about how somebody has financial control or financial superiority over you, a lot of people put themselves in that situation because they like being taken care of.
Speaker 2:I would like being taken care of. But like being taken care of. But I mean, I think that's such bullshit, where people are like oh, you gotta buy my car and you gotta pay for my nails and you gotta, you know, pay for this, and that it's like I don't get it because I don't need any of that, like I pay for my own shit and I still.
Speaker 1:I heard some women talking on a podcast the other day where they really expected these guys to drop some big cash on them just to take them out the first time. I mean big cash like not only do you take me to the highest price restaurant, you better be driving a bentley or having a dozen roses, and you better.
Speaker 1:Have all that and you better buy my outfit and then you better take me shopping and then, when we're all done, I'll decide whether I'm going to stay with you, and I thought, holy crap, no wonder you get no respect.
Speaker 2:Like, take me to taco casa. We'll sit on the back of the pickup truck, tailgate and people watch while we eat dinner.
Speaker 1:Yeah done yeah, I mean I I think that sometimes we set ourselves up for failure when it comes to those sorts of things. So controlling behavior is one red flag. Poor communication is another Now with that said, though, women are just as bad as men. Women are just as bad as men when it comes to poor communication. Let's face it Men do not communicate like women do. They do not think like women do.
Speaker 1:And we know that our minds are totally different, and so if you want to communicate with him, you can either expect him to conform to how you think good luck with that or you can conform to how he thinks and how he communicates and how he receives that message. And that's psychology, 101, 101. You have to learn what people's behaviors are, how they communicate, how they transmit their information from what you say to what they hear, and so you know, I think that's, that's a two-way street as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 2:But I think poor communication goes way beyond that. I think poor communication goes where you can communicate to somebody all day, but unless they listen and understand, what's the good of communication? You know, I can talk at you all day, but unless you're willing to understand and actually listen to what I'm saying and make you know if I need changes from you, make changes. What's the point. Yeah, I mean it's just blah, blah, blah all day. Now if I tell somebody, hey, this is how I feel, this is what I need, I need this open communication. I need to hear from you, you know, once a day saying, hey, what's up? And they choose not to have that communication, even though you told them, and then get mad at you about it.
Speaker 1:That's no no, doesn't that kind of get down to honesty? I mean, if you're going to tell me through your communication that, hey, this is what I want to do, and I want to do it because I want our relationship to last or because I want to be totally transparent with you, it really kind of gets down to honesty it does, because anybody can say oh yeah, you know, I'll always tell you the truth or I'll never lie to you.
Speaker 2:And the whole time they're lying out of their damn ass right, oh my gosh like, and you don't know it, because how are you going to prove it unless?
Speaker 1:you look like a psycho and you kind of go why, why are you lying?
Speaker 2:and yeah, if I asked for it up front. Just why are you lying?
Speaker 1:what I mean. Who are you answering to? That you've got to lie.
Speaker 2:I mean because I tell you I'm not that big of a prize that you need to be lying to me about shit.
Speaker 1:I'm not on the top shelf, like I'm just saying is all. You are bobby, you are the first place participation trophy. No, you're not, you're a, you're a big trophy and the sport doesn't even go with the trophy so, um, what about emotional abuse? You kind of mentioned that earlier. Yeah, any kind of abuse, yeah any kind of abuse.
Speaker 2:I don't care if it's. They start out where it's in fun, like poking at you type of thing, but they know that it bothers you because you've communicated to them. Hey, that really bothered me what you said tonight. Yeah, and they continue to think it's funny, or can any type of abuse like that that's that's abuse and that's manipulation and I think you have to be careful with that, because we'll say that I damaged some relationships with that.
Speaker 1:I have a very cutting witty tongue. I'm very fast to think of smart ass things to say back, and you know, I mean I, I this thing runs like there's times I don't think before I speak and we're all surprised.
Speaker 2:I'm surprised at what comes out of my mouth.
Speaker 1:I mean my, my mouth runs like a finely tuned Briggs and Stratton motor, you know engine. It's like gosh darn this thing can go. It's like gosh darn this thing can go. But I have ruined relationships or contributed to that. Where you know, you start out kind of just bantering with somebody Right, and it's all funny and it's kind of fun, and you think, oh, we love to banter Because Dr Domain and I banter back and forth too.
Speaker 2:And I think that that's healthy. I do too, but we've talked about this we've talked about.
Speaker 1:Don't cross that line. Right, let's not cross that line because I, unfortunately, and in past relationships the people I've been with, have crossed that line but did they make that line known to you before you crossed it? Um, I think you should. We should have known. I think they were pretty obvious with how okay, they entered, so they didn't make it.
Speaker 1:It got to a point where we were insulting, or we were, and you know you think it's funny, but it's not funny to them, especially when you're doing it in front of other people and it's hurtful to them and so you know you, that can be kind of an emotional abuse also yeah, and, like I said, any kind of abuse off the table period. So let me ask you this. I mean, we will all agree that a man should never strike a woman, never, never. Well, self-defense, okay, yeah, if a woman, what about woman striking a man? Never should happen.
Speaker 2:Never should happen, unless it's in self-defense, exactly. Keep your damn hands to yourself.
Speaker 1:Exactly, exactly. I don't care who it is, you have no right to lay hands on anybody. If you are a woman and you lay hands on a man, all bets are off as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And don't come running to me going. That's a man. He should have never hit a woman, under any circumstances. She should have never, ever raised a hand to him. No, not. And I agree with you.
Speaker 2:If it's self-defense, hey, all bets right you know, hands are rated e for everybody.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll take, I'll take you out, but if it's not and you just feel like you want to slap them, you want to punch them yeah you want to hit them with something yeah, just turn around, walk away, just leave literally get your shit and leave if it's to that point, because it's never going to get better than you know, it's never going to get better if that's the mentality that you have, that you think that you put your hands on somebody just because they made you mad so what do you think about that, dr Doman Doman, doman, doman.
Speaker 1:Doman, doman from a man's perspective. Do you think that if a woman slaps a man, that he has a right to slap her back?
Speaker 2:Or stabs a man. Yeah, it'd have to be pretty extreme.
Speaker 3:Even if I got hit I'd restrain myself. But there's a lot of boys out there. I'll call them boys that you hear of incidents where they'll raise a hand first. Yeah, they deserve an ass whooping.
Speaker 2:That man boy does.
Speaker 3:There's no excuse for that. I don't care how abusive, how loud or boisterous or that woman is, you don't do that.
Speaker 1:I guess I you know. Like I said, if a woman goes after a man and attacks him, she needs to be taken out behind the bar.
Speaker 2:He has every right to defend himself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I agree with that Do I take?
Speaker 1:him out behind the bar and hurt her.
Speaker 2:No, probably not, but one or two good hits would probably calm her ass down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And so you know, depends on the situation we may differ from some of our listeners in this respect and and if we do, we'd sure like to hear from you, um, because I feel like, uh, it's, it's a human issue, not a male female issue, right? I think that it's a human issue, not a male-female issue, right? I think that it's a respect for human beings, I think it's a respect for their personal space and I don't think you ever have a right to do that to someone. And, like Bobby said, if it's self-defense, I'm coming after you. You know.
Speaker 2:So let's talk personally. What's a deal breaker?
Speaker 1:for you. You know, I would like to say one of the what do you think is the top deal breaker? That for you?
Speaker 2:no, I'm talking for us.
Speaker 3:Let's get personal he's talking about you, not what you're reading for me doubles deep, let's do it okay for me, I would say dishonest okay.
Speaker 1:Does that encompass like so dishonesty lies that would include like cheating things like that I would say infidelity, you know, because infidelity and that's where I was headed with that is the number one reason.
Speaker 3:A relationship breakdown, um any type of addiction is number two but going back to that, I mean infidelity and dishonesty are mutually exclusive right you would hope that if someone's gonna cheat on you, that they're gonna be honest about it, but usually that doesn't go hand in hand no, well right, that's why it's called cheating instead of the double whammy right, yeah, it's lying.
Speaker 2:But well, there's lying and there's cheating, and there's well but it's different it wouldn't be cheating if they weren't lying about it. Yeah, so if they were being upfront and honest about it, saying hey, I'm gonna go sleep with this girl, then that's more of a polyamory type thing, because they're being honest about it. So if they're cheating, it's literally they're lying about it I, I agree.
Speaker 1:So I kind of grabbed the whole thing and said honesty, you know, if you want to go be with somebody else, just tell me, yeah, just go, just tell me and then, and then I can make a decision to leave right now, if I make the decision to stay, then that's on me. That's on me, yeah, right. But if you tell me and I I decide to go, now the decisions, now the ball's in my court, right, okay?
Speaker 2:honestly, if you actually say that you care about somebody, honesty should be number one, because if you don't give me the opportunity to do what I'm going to do with that information, then you really don't care about me.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:If you're not going to be honest with me and say, hey, you know it's this, this and this, and I just want to be upfront about it. You really don't care about me, because I can take that information and I can use it how I see fit, because it's my life. You know whether I go, whether I go, whether I stay, whether we talk it out, whatever you have robbed me of that decision in my life, which? Is a huge decision, which means you don't care about me.
Speaker 1:Totally agree, because I think I should be able to make that decision on my own behalf. Yeah, and the thing is is, if I don't get the opportunity to make that decision now, my safety is at stake. Correct, Correct, correct, and that's that's a big deal.
Speaker 2:It's to the point where they're using you. They they know what they're doing and they really don't care about you if that's what they're doing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, if you think about Heinrich's psychological pyramid you know uh. Safety is your number one factor right. And so you want to protect yourself. And if somebody says, hey, you know I'm, I want to be with somebody else, Okay, let me make the decision on what I'm going to do with me.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, do you have any more deal breakers?
Speaker 1:I would say you know what that leads to, obviously. But if somebody's totally dishonest with me, if somebody said, hey, I'm going to the store and they don't go to the store, that's one thing, right. I think there's some severity here.
Speaker 2:If somebody said, but why are they lying about going to the store, if that's right?
Speaker 3:stupid little thing to lie about, then obviously they're gonna lie about big shit maybe they're getting them a gift maybe they were.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I think that there's a little bit of condition there, and I I agree with what you're saying, because if you're gonna lie to me about the little stuff, the big stuff isn't gonna be that big of a right.
Speaker 2:It's almost like practice lying to you about the little stuff if I can hide that, think of what else I can hide from her and um.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I I think the honesty thing is really kind of the big deal. That is all encompassing for me. Okay, if I ask you who were you talking to and you tell me it was bob, and it wasn't, it was barbara, and you know you were making plans for friday night, you know that.
Speaker 2:Now you're into other issues, so your major one is dishonesty that you wouldn't be able to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, what's yours?
Speaker 2:that's a tough one, because I want to say both breathe hard. Well, I want to say cheating, but honestly it's. It's not just lying, but it's lies by omission. Lies by omission, I guess lies period.
Speaker 1:But lies by omission just make me want to choke the person that's part of honesty, like why yeah, but like, why I?
Speaker 2:why did you leave that part of the story out? Why did you just not say anything? Why did you avoid it when I asked you? Why did you like? Why lie? Like I said I'm, I'm a participation trophy at best. Yeah, I got a great heart and I'm a good person, but why would you lie to me?
Speaker 1:you. You know what. You belittle yourself, bobby, and you shouldn't do that, because I'm a little shiny, I'm just at the wrong sport. Well, you know, you may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but you do try to be the shiniest. Um you, you're.
Speaker 2:You're better than that, so stop it okay, look, I'm like oh for nine for relationships in my life so well you're the swing, and the picker's been broke too.
Speaker 1:You know what I've?
Speaker 2:been moved from even the minor leagues. I'm down in like triple a at this stop it.
Speaker 1:Stop it. You don't have to be, you know it it is.
Speaker 2:I don't, because I'm yeah done, cut it off what about you dr domain?
Speaker 1:I mean, what's your total deal breaker?
Speaker 3:so not a red flag, a deal breaker a deal breaker. So not a red flag, a deal breaker. A deal breaker yeah, I'm not going to say anything that's new, probably infidelity, dishonesty, those kinds of things.
Speaker 1:Okay, but it leads to.
Speaker 3:I mean it could be really powerful.
Speaker 2:The dishonesty part to the point where it gets rationalized and they make excuses. And sure um makes you feel like you're crazy yeah, I experienced that firsthand.
Speaker 3:There's a condition I wasn't aware of it, but I learned about and I studied a lot during my experience and it's called limerence and it's where that person becomes not loving of another person but, you know, uh, infatuated. It's where that person becomes not loving of another person but, you know, infatuated. It's more that Like a lustful.
Speaker 3:It's not necessarily a mental disorder, like you know other things, but it probably could be a mental disorder. But they rewrite history and I had some really weird examples of that and, you know, with the person you've been with for decades you're like, yeah, that's totally different now.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was, it was, it was a very unique experience, and but they become so compelled and they become so obsessed with the fact that they're engaged with that other person that they rewrite history and they totally make things up and they believe it, my kids do that, they make it up, I mean, and they totally but they, they believe it, my kids do that, they make it up, I mean and they totally believe it.
Speaker 2:They will lie.
Speaker 3:They'll lie to their own children. Oh, I know, and it's sad.
Speaker 1:The thing is, they get to a point where they believe their own lies.
Speaker 3:The hardest part was hearing the lie. To me that's different then.
Speaker 2:But once you lie to the children, that, just like that, takes it to a whole different level yeah, but I always thought, okay, so, and I'm not just shush over there because I ain't coming after you. But growing up in a divorced home, the number one thing that I noticed that both parents did was lie to the kids. I mean, they always lied to the kids everything's fine, we're going to be happier. You know, you're not going to have to do this, you'll have two christmases, it'll be great. You know, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:Everything was lies to the kids when I did nice and sit down, shut up and no one likes you anyway, again, I'm undiagnosed for a reason.
Speaker 3:Jesus, I'm kidding, but you don't need to divulge every level of detail.
Speaker 1:No, but I think that Bobby has a good point and you and I talked about that too, Dr Domain is when your kids hit a certain age, acting like somehow they're still living in Never, never land or in some pipe dream is not good for those kids.
Speaker 3:They have to start it's being able to the age is six yeah, but you don't, you don't unload on I'm not saying about unloading.
Speaker 1:No, you don't, you don't unload on them by any means, and you don't need to tell them all the details but, I think you do have to be honest in some respects.
Speaker 3:So one of the other things, and but it's, but I wouldn't, I wouldn't go. So I wouldn't go so far. I wouldn't give them all the detail and I think we agree with that yeah because it really you're talking about their other parent, right? Yeah, the child's parent. Yeah, I'd never be demeaning or disrespectful to the other person, despite how they might have done that to me I wouldn't reciprocate that especially to the children well, I did um, I was gonna say oh, man, it was uh, I did.
Speaker 1:It was a shit show.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you the first one after that no, well, yeah, because you only had kids with the first one, right? So I mean it was, and we were young. Well, I was young and you know it's funny. You say that because me and my sister we were savage. I mean, we were savage and I think I don't know if add genetics, whatever, but you know, my sister and I we used to fight when we were little and I would look at her and say, well, you're the only reason my parents got married. And she goes, yeah, well, you're the only reason my parents got married. And she goes, yeah, well, you're the only reason my parents got divorced savage, savage.
Speaker 2:That's really hurtful right there, we laughed about it. We still laugh about it, okay, well, that might be part of your trauma makes us funnier.
Speaker 1:And then you wonder why you're zero for nine. Listen, just saying one day someone will love me you know what, bobby? There's a lot of people who love you, so stop it.
Speaker 2:Not like that.
Speaker 1:Well, that person just hasn't, you know, reared their ugly head yet. Jesus Almost choked, they haven't stepped into the circus ring. Bless your heart.
Speaker 2:Dr Domain, because I'm telling you I'd have drowned her by now so one of the other things you know I mentioned was addiction.
Speaker 1:That's tough on everybody, yep and uh, you know, and it's not just drugs we're talking, you know, pornography addiction, gambling addiction, things like that I've mentioned before. You know that I I have a degree in social science and studied psychology. You have mentioned that.
Speaker 2:How many times Like six?
Speaker 1:And I don't remember anything as it relates to it, but we all have some sort of addiction. Yeah, we have some sort of addictive behavior, whether it's eating, whether it's lying, whether it's drinking, whether it's drugs, whether it's you know.
Speaker 1:Social media personality Now what changes for everybody is when our coping skills kick in. What level do our coping skills kick in? Some are very low, some are very high, and so some people never, you know see that another person's addictions because they don't hit that that threshold and um, but addictions are very tough't hit that that threshold and um, but addictions are very tough. And I personally and people are going to disagree with me on this one, and and so be it lord yeah, this will be a tough one.
Speaker 1:A lot of things that are considered addictions or illnesses or diseases. I'd be honest with you, folks they're not diseases. Those are choices. You know, let's quit calling them diseases when they are choices.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm going to call you out on that. So, I believe in the beginning it's mostly a choice. I have known people that have been forced to take very addictive drugs like heroin and things like that, like forcefully injected. I think that at first it can be a choice, but after that, the way that it alters your body and brain chemistry, I believe that it does and can turn into a disease, like an actual legit brain eating. You have less gray matter than you should disease.
Speaker 1:I think it becomes an addiction. I do not believe it becomes a disease.
Speaker 2:Oh, we'll differ on that. Yeah, we'll differ on that.
Speaker 1:And then you know, the other thing is a significant misalignment of values.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, Even before you get married, people are not having sitting down, having conversations other than do you want kids? Yeah, I want kids. Oh my God, I do too. You're not talking about religious upbringing. You're not talking about schooling. You're not talking about things like sports and family.
Speaker 1:How are we?
Speaker 2:going to fight, right? How are we going to raise our kids? What's it going to look like when we fight?
Speaker 1:I agree when the kids you know when we have a disagreement with the kids and they don't sit down and have these conversations.
Speaker 2:No, they don't they.
Speaker 1:Are we going to have these conversations? No, they don't. They're too busy, worried about, you know, having a 50 to a hundred thousand dollar wedding and where they're going to go on their honeymoon, as opposed to how are we going to handle our finances Right? Who's going to work Right? What difference does it make?
Speaker 2:What if we have a medically fragile child who's going to stay home? How are we? How would we face this? What if I become medically fragile?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, what if that? And now you're my caretaker, yeah, you know. Yeah, I think a lot of those things do not get discussed. Religion, you know, dr domain, and I have talked about that before. You know, would we be with someone who was a satanist or someone who is an atheist? The answer is no, right, I don't care. You know, they can be as nice as pie, they can work at the soup kitchen, they can do whatever, but your religious?
Speaker 2:views have to align, absolutely yeah. And so there's a lot associated with that and people think they can just work through this, like oh, we'll burn that bridge when we get to it, type of thing, and it's like like no, the bridge is here and now. Because this should be discussed, this should be talked about, a plan should be in place before you two ever think of continuing your lives together because a lot of things come into that.
Speaker 1:You know, jealousy um, we didn't even talk about that. Anger management how do you handle your? You know I, I have a bad temper, there's no doubt about that. I wonder where I got that from. Yeah, you know I, I have a bad temper, there's no doubt about that I wonder where I got that from. And you know, the thing is is, when I was younger it was really bad. Yeah, it was, and you know, I've learned to control it now and and a lot of it is.
Speaker 1:You know, if I don't have a dog in the fight, I'm not getting into it, but before I would, I would go to every fight I was invited to. Yeah, and I didn't even have to be invited, but there's just, you know, so many other things that come into this. You know what is gaslighting and we've all done it. Let's not act like we haven't.
Speaker 2:I gaslight myself every day Like that's the only way I can get up, get out of bed and go through my day.
Speaker 1:I gaslight the shit out of myself but when there's infidelity and dishonesty, you know, manipulating someone to doubt their own sanity, it's crazy, pretty common. It's a sociopathic trait? Oh, absolutely, absolutely it is. And so then you know when I want to go back here to the infidelity part, because, because you're stuck on it, because you brought it up and asked me, you know, and the fact is is I have been in that situation with one of my divorces.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just going to share this. I don't think I've shared this with a lot of people, but I'm going to because I want people to think about this and I want our listeners to think about this. In case you're going through it. I went through it, caught him in a situation. I'm a pretty strong woman. There's no doubt about it. It isn't about how strong you you're perceived by society, what kind of job you have, how much money you make. It has nothing to do with any of that, because people will go oh, but you're so strong, you know, you're so courageous, you're so brave, you're so brave, yeah, yeah, it has nothing to do with that.
Speaker 1:So I caught him in a situation and I made the decision to stay and go through counseling yeah, worst decision of my entire life. And let me tell you why. I stayed for five years before I found out he was doing it again. So let me tell you why that was a bad decision for me.
Speaker 1:Because when somebody cheats on you, when somebody lies to you, when somebody is dishonest and they have lost your loyalty, now I'm a firm believer that you have to be trustworthy in order to gain trust, yeah, so you have to display those characteristics. If you want those characteristics in another person, you'd better have them yourself, right? And so you have to be totally trustworthy, and I chose to stay for five years before I found out that he was doing it again. That five years was the most miserable time period I had ever had. Every single day I woke up regretting my decision, even though I had gone thinking I want to save this marriage, I want to go through counseling, and I had to ask myself at some point you know, do you want to be an investigator in your own relationship?
Speaker 2:Do you want to have to do that?
Speaker 1:Because every single time he got a call, I'd think is that a woman? Yep, every time he got a text, I think, is that another woman? Yep every single time he was late yep, is he with another woman? Where is he? Yep, every time he'd come home late and he'd say oh yeah, you know I got a flat tire or whatever. I think did you really Right. Every time he told me a story. Every time something came up I was questioning my sanity.
Speaker 1:It is the life of misery, yeah, and so you have to ask yourself do you want to be an investigator in your own relationship? And I chose to be for five years until I found out that it was happening again, and then I left permanently. But you know, I want you to ask yourself now. I am not advocating divorce. I want people to stay together.
Speaker 2:I definitely if it's that bad, go for it.
Speaker 1:I mean, but you know what, don't get married. But don't get married if you think you're going to get a divorce well, why would you get married thinking you're going to get a divorce?
Speaker 2:Some?
Speaker 1:people do, Some people think ah, if this don't work out, I'll just get a divorce. It's not that big a deal yeah.
Speaker 2:What's the divorce rate in the United States, Bobby so right now, as of I guess it's 2024, the divorce rate is still between 40 to 50 percent for their first marriages, holy cow for their first marriage. I got that one out of the way what about the second marriage? I don't know. See you asked me this earlier. I have no idea. That's high, no idea that's high.
Speaker 1:That tells me that people are entering into a marriage not thinking through everything and thinking, if all else fails, I can get a divorce.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean 75% of respondents, when they asked why they were getting divorced, cited a lack of commitment as the leading cause of divorce. So I'm assuming that that would encompass like emotional withdrawal, avoiding conversations, lack of goals, you know, like we talked about, you don't have your shit together and in line for what your future looks like, and so you're going to find about it.
Speaker 1:What are you talking about while you're dating for those, however many years? And you should date for many, many years before you ever get married? Because, let's face it, think about all these people who have been married for 20 years and they find out that she's got another home on the other side, or that he's the green river killer yeah, or something type of shit that would be kind of.
Speaker 2:I mean, if you're going to find out something that would be kind of that would be a weird show right there.
Speaker 1:I could be on dateline.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, I would fangirl out over that. I'd be like, oh my god, I'm on. Snapped y'all watch me.
Speaker 1:Well, um, I want people to think about this and think about what we talked about, because you know, if you're in a relationship, cut them some slack, man, and you know, communicate well and understand how they communicate and they're not. You know, we we talked about it before on how men communicate, as it relates to how women communicate Not.
Speaker 2:you know, we talked about your son, right, you know, not looking him straight in the eye, because men don't like that, and yeah, I, and honestly, the only thing I have left to say is look, if you're going to be abusive, if you're going to cheat, if you're going to lie to somebody, just freaking, leave, stay to yourself just leave, go find some other idiot to deal with.
Speaker 2:that actually likes being lied to or something. But you know there's people out here that are honest, trustworthy people, who have good hearts. That you are just playing and screwing for the next person, yeah, and I'm over it.
Speaker 1:Stay home If you can find a mate that you know loves you and supports you and you know loves you and supports you and you know is there for you and one day one day I got better luck of finding leprechaun or gold in a leprechaun's ass than I've got that, but okay, you're what I said.
Speaker 2:I've got better luck finding gold in a leprechaun's ass than I've got are.
Speaker 3:Are you?
Speaker 2:digging for gold. I mean, I might as well be if I'm digging for a relationship. Anyways, I think that that is all the insanity that we have for today.
Speaker 2:We appreciate you joining us here at the Rabbit Hole Studio. Be sure to follow us. We look forward to spending time with you each and every week. Please like us and if you have positive feedback for us or if there's a topic you'd like to talk about, drop us a short email at boomerangenxr at gmailcom. If you have hate mail, well, you can throw that right in the garbage with my ex. So until next week, I'm Bobbi Joy and I'm Jane Burt and you're stuck with us Peace out Later.
Speaker 2:Bobby Joy and I'm Jane Burt and you're stuck with us. Peace out Later.