Life Lessons We'd Tell Our Younger Selves S:1E:50

What would you tell your younger self if you could travel back in time? In this deeply reflective episode, Jane and Bobbi wade into the waters of hindsight wisdom, unpacking life lessons they wish they'd known sooner.

"Being authentic to yourself is really scary, but more fulfilling than trying to fit in," becomes a touchstone of the discussion as they share stories of conformity and its costs.

Physical well-being emerges as another powerful theme, with Bobbi lamenting, "You got to learn how to duck, kid, because your 44-year-old body regrets so many things." This practical wisdom resonates throughout as they discuss how youthful recklessness catches up with aging bodies.

The episode takes an emotional turn when discussing family relationships and childhood responsibilities. "Put it down, that's not yours to carry," Bobbi advises her younger self about shouldering adult burdens during her parents' divorce. This raw honesty illuminates how children often carry emotional weights that belong to the adults in their lives.

Perhaps most profound is the discussion about time's fleeting nature: "Forever is not as long as you think it is." This sobering reminder to cherish relationships while they exist hits home for anyone who's experienced loss.

Whether you're reflecting on your own journey or seeking wisdom to navigate current challenges, this episode offers a compassionate roadmap from those who've walked the path before. Share your own advice for your younger self with us at boomerandgenx@gmail.com—we'd love to hear what wisdom you've gathered along your journey.

email: boomerandgenxer@gmail.com

Transcript

Welcome to Boomer and Gen X

Speaker 1 0:04

well, well, well, welcome everyone to today's show. Boomer and a gen x are walking to a bar, coming to you from the rabbit hole studio, where you, as our listeners, will experience some wit and wisdom, some smart assery and a mother and a daughter questioning. Are we even related? My name is jane burr, my co-host is my daughter, bobbi, and for the next I don't know few minutes we're going to entertain you, if we can keep Bobbi awake, because she has been working double shifts, triple shifts and shift shifts.

Speaker 1 0:38

Bobbi how you doing. I'm tired, I know. I see that you came moping in like I don't know, like Methuselah and bad sandals, I don't know.

Speaker 2 0:48

I don't know, like a spider in flip flops trying to be quiet. Yeah, that was kind of it.

Speaker 1 0:53

And then she had to get something to drink, so I'm not really sure what she's drinking down there.

Speaker 2 0:58

It's just an energy drink. An energy drink, oh, is that a monster drink? It's a monster Monster import.

Speaker 1 1:05

Ah, I see, so did you get some new bubble gum.

Speaker 2 1:09

I did. I did this lovely old lady who's out of her freaking mind travels the country and sometimes out of the country, and she brings me these little trinkets.

Speaker 3 1:21

These little knick knacks.

Speaker 1 1:23

These little bobbles Little souvenirs.

Speaker 2 1:26

And this last one is, uh, cat butt gum, cat butt gum, and I can't see. The thing is I don't want to open it because I can't reseal it, but I'm kind of curious if it actually looks like a little cat buttholes.

Speaker 1 1:40

That would be funny, wouldn't it? I don't think the only way I want it I don't think it does, because I got scum gum, because somehow I well, you know, I got those bob ross mints and they were trees.

Speaker 2 1:53

They were shaped like happy little trees.

Speaker 1 1:55

Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, I want some of those, that was years ago that I got those oh my gosh, they were little trees, little trees. I wonder if you can still get them.

Speaker 2 2:05

I'm sure you could somewhere on eBay. That's kind of cool, I think that's kind of cool.

Speaker 1 2:10

Well, anyway, we're glad that you're awake, bobby, and hopefully you can stay awake. You can your chicken maybe, what's that chicken's name?

Speaker 2 2:19

Today his name is Persephone.

Speaker 1 2:23

Jeminy Christmas.

Speaker 2 2:25

You know why? Because he doesn't know.

Speaker 1 2:28

He's not going to come to it anyway.

Speaker 2 2:29

He's not like come here. He's not coming. He's not running towards you. Even if he could, he doesn't have no ears. Perfect example.

Speaker 1 2:40

And I'm not sure where his wings are. They seem to be kind of embedded underneath his little t-shirt there.

Speaker 2 2:46

Well, they're in his vest. They're just little, teeny, tiny chicken wings. Oh, look at that little chicken wings. Looks like I'm at B-dubs right now with them, tiny wings.

Speaker 1 2:56

So what do you want to talk about today, Bobby Well?

Advice We'd Give Our Younger Selves

Speaker 2 2:59

today I thought that we kind of put some questions out to some personal people. I know I did in my life.

Speaker 1 3:07

I did too.

Speaker 2 3:07

I'm sure you did in your life, about things like you know, advice that we would give our younger selves. Or you know something that we would say knowing now what we didn't know, then you know to our, to our younger selves Now that we're so much wiser and so much more intelligent and I say I don't say wiser.

Speaker 1 3:26

I say, now that we're more experienced, we say wise ass here, that's what we are but yeah, we're more experienced, we're older, we we think we're a little bit wiser, but sometimes we're just wise, no absolutely.

Speaker 2 3:38

I have no idea what I'm doing to this day. Yeah, I'm almost 45 and I'm just winging it every day, every single day, every single day you have no plan, no plan.

Speaker 1 3:48

You're just happy to get up and be able to walk. Whatever happens happens. Well, you know, living in the moment, I guess you are. So we did, yeah, we asked a few of our people that we know and also some of our listeners that are kind of the ones that really contact us a lot, you know, and respond to us a lot. So we really appreciate that and we're really looking for you to respond to us too as it relates to this particular topic. So the question is if you could talk to your younger self and I'm going to take it in different stages here If you could talk to your younger self, what advice or what information would you give to yourself? And so I'm going to let you start with one, bobby, what would you tell your younger self? And let's say, as a kid in school?

Speaker 2 4:41

Well, I mean that's a huge range.

Speaker 1 4:44

That's like a 13 range? It is, so are we talking like?

Speaker 2 4:47

comprehend, like we can comprehend, that this is a life lesson type thing like a 10 to 16 years old. Yeah, hey, I'm not setting the rules, okay you have no boundaries, and are you wanting, like me, to throw one out first, or do you want me to read one of my?

Speaker 1 5:02

I want you to throw one out for you first.

Speaker 2 5:05

Okay for me first. Honestly, the the one that my body tells me every day is you got to learn how to duck kid, because your 44 year old body regrets so many things that you did that.

Speaker 1 5:22

I mean they were fun at the time, but you only get one body and it hurts I suppose when you say you got to learn to duck I I'm thinking back of when your sister clotheslined you when you were on a three-wheeler right yep, and then running into the fence on the three-wheeler, flipping backwards on the three-wheeler.

Speaker 2 5:39

There was a lot of stuff on that three-wheeler.

Speaker 1 5:41

I remember you had it, yeah and I remember your dad built you guys a two-story uh, well, it was a playhouse.

Speaker 2 5:50

It was a playhouse, but it turned into fall out of the window.

Speaker 1 5:53

Oh yeah yeah, off the roof, out of the window absolutely absolutely I remember people would go, oh my gosh, she's climbing a tree, or or your sister was climbing a tree. Aren't you gonna stop them? No, no, I mean, why would I? First of all, how are they going to learn to do that stuff? And it's fun. I remember climbing trees. It was fun, and you know, if you can't figure it out, well, you know, if you fall hard, you're only going to do it once.

Speaker 2 6:26

And you did have that helmet phase that you went through.

Speaker 1 6:27

Well, I mean, you know it uh yeah, there's so many holes and things in my body so you would have to learn how to duck, because your body is feeling it now.

Speaker 2 6:33

Oh yeah yeah, you only get one body. You gotta gotta kind of take care of it. I mean, have fun and everything but man, take care of your body, it hurts yeah, it does, it does.

Speaker 1 6:43

And I remember, uh, my brother, one of my brothers, had made a comment one time. He said you know, I wake up every day and everything hurts. And now I realize what he's talking about because that time I didn't, I was still playing softball, I was still doing every, I mean just everything running, doing everything, and I and I just didn't hurt. And he said you know, it hurts every single day.

Speaker 2 7:06

Yeah.

Speaker 1 7:07

And yeah, that's kind of funny. So what about you, Dr Domain? Have you thought about this subject at all?

Speaker 3 7:15

No, I live my life with no regrets. You live your life with no regerts, okay. Just like my tattoo says.

Speaker 1 7:24

That's right, that's right, that's right.

Speaker 3 7:26

No, I would say probably as difficult as to be authentic. I think it's more fulfilling than trying to fit in with the crowd. So that's probably it.

Speaker 1 7:37

Just being you, yeah, yeah, being authentic.

Speaker 3 7:39

I think there's a certain aspect of it where I try to fit in and just kind of go with the crowd and everything like that.

Speaker 1 7:44

Yeah, not totally.

Speaker 3 7:46

but there were times I'm like, yeah, this is BS, I shouldn't have done it this way.

Speaker 1 7:49

I think as a kid we had and not even just a kid, but we had a lot of peer pressure, right? I?

Speaker 2 7:54

mean, well, it wasn't just peer pressure, it's societal pressure too. You've got pressure at school to you know, line up and fit and yeah you have to wear these shoes and these clothes and carry this kind of backpack and have a lisa frank trapper, keeper and yeah, yeah, lisa frank yeah, it's my time oh, I'm, it's the folders and trappers with all like the rainbow unicorn, you know bright colors shit on it. Okay.

Speaker 1 8:28

So we didn't have any of that, did we, Dr Doman? We had grocery sacks that we had to wrap our books in, you know.

Speaker 2 8:33

Well, we did too the brown paper bags, but I'm talking, like you know, the trapper keepers.

Speaker 3 8:38

With our stick and our knapsack.

Speaker 1 8:40

That's with your hobo stick, and we didn't have any shoes, you know, until wintertime.

Speaker 2 8:45

You had your one apple in there for lunch, that's right.

Speaker 1 8:53

You laugh, but that's not too far from the truth, sister. So yeah, I think a lot of people look back now and it doesn't matter what age maybe not when we were in grade school, but even in our 20s, 30s, and if you're in your 40s yet, or even older, there is a part of a, a part of me anyway, that says, man, I wish I would have been more authentic and just really just been me. Um, I will say, one of the biggest regrets I ever had and I wish, I wish I could have if I had any regrets, this would be it. I was a liar to be a liar about lying.

Speaker 2 9:24

So you had liabilities.

Work Harder Towards Your Goals

Speaker 1 9:25

I had liabilities, you just lie for no reason Not just liabilities. I had liabilities and it's interesting because I was the last of seven kids. I wasn't listened to. Sometimes I felt like I had to make up lies to you know, get attention. And then it just got bigger and badder and I remember even in my 20s and 30s I was still lying, I was lying, I'm lying out my lion pie hole all the time and it was about stupid stuff yeah, just meaningless stuff like why are?

Speaker 1 9:55

you even lying about that, yeah yeah, I mean, you know where'd you get those shoes? You know well, I got themmart, but I'm going to tell you that I got them at Macy's.

Speaker 2 10:04

Right.

Speaker 1 10:05

And it's just. It was stupid stuff and a lot of it was to fit in. It was to fit in and, you know, be a part of the cool kid crowd, I guess. But, if I could tell myself one thing, it would be you know, just be true to myself, and I don't have to lie to anybody. The truth is the truth. And and um, that would probably be my biggest regret in life and what I would tell myself.

Speaker 1 10:31

Okay, All right so you asked some of your friends or you asked some folks that you knew I did and, uh, tell us about one of them.

Speaker 2 10:39

So overwhelmingly. All of them said basically to work harder. So work harder towards what you want. Work harder towards your goals, just work harder in general. So one of them, and of course we're going to stay anonymous here, but one of them, my friend. He said that he would tell himself not to grow up so fast. You know, I think we all do kind of feel that we all want to be so big as kids and then yeah we get here and we go oh no, this.

Speaker 1 11:08

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Pump the brakes. Yeah, yeah, I went out. Let me off at the next stop um.

Speaker 2 11:15

But he also said to just enjoy your life while you're young, because the stress, the anxiety, you know everything's going to hit you harder than you could even imagine when you grow up.

Speaker 1 11:27

That's a good point.

Speaker 2 11:29

Another one that a lot of them said was you have to pick people you trust in your life more carefully, because the closer they are to you, the closer they you know, the more they can hurt you.

Speaker 1 11:40

Yeah, and not only that, but you are who you hang with, and I used to tell you kids that and you never go by association it isn't just guilt by association. You know, I think I used to tell you guys that you stink the stank of of those that you hang with yeah, I mean, the one bad apple in a barrel can ruin the bunch and it can and and people go. Well, don't let it.

Speaker 1 12:02

Well, it does and it's a lot easier to conform to negativity and to the to the bad side than it is to the good side. And that's unfortunate, uh, because if you think about people that you work with or people that you know, if you're around a negative person, uh, for any length of time, you tend to become negative. When you're around a lot of positive people, or a few positive people, you tend to make fun of them because they're positive.

Speaker 2 12:33

I was going to say now, yeah, if I'm at work or something and somebody's you know being really negative, I kick that up a notch, I will find it and be like hey what are you doing? Why are you cranky? Oh, okay, okay, and then I'm just gonna make it worse.

Speaker 1 12:49

Yeah, yeah but um, yeah, I I think that uh, I'm I'm kind of puzzled by working harder yeah, a lot of them did you know.

Speaker 2 12:58

Just work harder towards what you want. Yeah, you know, and I think a lot of it is. You're young, you have those opportunities in front of you. Your body's hopefully not breaking down by that point. You're. You're at your prime, you're at your peak. You're. You're going into, you know, a big part of your life where you're going to make decisions that are going to affect you. You know, 10, 20, 30 years later, yeah.

Speaker 2 13:22

So you know work harder, Make sure your body is in shape, Make sure your life is in shape, Make sure that you know you're working towards a goal, rather than just kind of doing whatever you want.

Speaker 1 13:34

Do you think that some people look at that and go? Well, you're being very selfish, then, because all you're thinking about is just you. No no, you don't think that they do, because well, I mean, they might get that impression sometimes that you know, if I said, hey, listen, I can't do that with you, I am working on this goal, I really need to do this.

Speaker 2 13:53

Sometimes you get a little bit of retaliatory um effects from that, I think yeah, well, and that kind of goes along with what I tell the kids all the time, and that's you know, when they're having problems, they're focusing on themselves, type of thing, and they say, well, this person said this or this person's negative. Are they paying your bills?

Speaker 1 14:13

Right.

Speaker 2 14:13

Are they going to be paying your bills in the future?

Speaker 1 14:15

Right.

Speaker 2 14:16

Are they here supporting you every day. Do, does anything that they're going to do or say, have an actual outcome on your life right if the answer is no, who cares?

Speaker 1 14:26

and I've always had that mindset too. I've always said you know, unless, unless they're paying your bills or sleeping with you, they get no I don't even care if they're sleeping with you.

Speaker 2 14:35

I mean no say in my life, no, get no say in my life, no, unless it's, you know, like a marriage type thing.

Speaker 1 14:41

Yeah, yeah, sure, and then you know, I think the other thing and you kids probably don't remember all these little things that I used to say to you was you know when, when we're talking about making something happen, you know if, if, yeah, if you want it bad enough, you'll make it happen. If you don't, you'll you'll make excuses. Yeah, and that's the way life is. If you want it bad enough folks, you will want it. Bad enough folks, you will make it happen. If you don't, you will make excuses. It's always somebody else's fault, it's always some other condition, it's always some other situation.

Speaker 2 15:15

You want it, bad enough, you'll get it. I get that and I do, and I can half support that, but I do kind of change it up with everything that. I've been through. It's not if you want it bad enough, you'll make it happen, because shit actually does happen. If you want it bad enough, you will work every day towards making it happen yeah, no, whether or not it happens, I mean, you can.

Speaker 1 15:37

You can tear it apart however you want to.

Speaker 2 15:39

Well, but it's kind of different, because I mean you're saying it like if you want it bad enough, come hell or high water, you're going to make it happen. Well, that's not always plausible, because there is hell and high water that will prevent you from doing things, whether it's physically, mentally, you know things like that. But if you work every day for that goal to make it happen, then I mean you're not going to have any regrets about it.

Speaker 1 16:05

Yeah, and you know, to kind of go further with that is you know, if I said I want to be a millionaire by the time that I'm 30, you know, and I work towards that and I work hard towards it, right, maybe I've got $500,000 in the bank and not a million.

Speaker 2 16:21

Right.

Speaker 1 16:21

I'm still successful. Right, I didn't make excuses along the way. I will settle for what my outcome is. Yeah, is is what I'm saying, but I'm gonna work at it along the way. You're absolutely right, and I'm one for writing down plans. I do it all the time.

Speaker 1 16:39

When I was building this house, uh, that was scary because I had never done that by myself before, I had never bought property. Well, I had bought property, but I had never bought a house and done the things that I did to this property and built a house before. And I was here every single day and I wrote out a plan and I said I will do something every single day for the success of this house. Now, it's not a fancy house, it's a nice enough house, nothing fancy. But what I did was every single day I was at this house.

Speaker 1 17:15

The builders got so sick of me and I know how to read mechanical drawings. I know how to read. You know any type of electrical drawings. I know how to read. You know any type of electrical drawings. I know how to read all of that stuff. And so I was probably their biggest pain in the ass. Go figure, go figure. But here's what's interesting. I had a vision in my head, from everything that was going to be on the floors to everything that was going to be on the walls and every piece of furniture and this house. Came out exactly what was in my head.

Speaker 1 17:47

Well, you screwed up Because I made it happen. Oh, because you're cold in the basement sometimes.

Speaker 2 17:51

Because it's freezing in the basement. Oh, you're such a woman. It's hot and humid on the main floor.

Speaker 1 17:56

It is not it's like 10 steps.

Speaker 2 17:58

How is the temperature change from icebox to?

Speaker 1 18:00

hell. I have 24 foot ceilings and a loft up there.

Speaker 2 18:04

Okay, we'll see. I'm just saying is all.

Speaker 1 18:07

Okay, I didn't fail because it looks exactly the way I wanted it to look.

Speaker 2 18:11

Anyways, anyways. Gosh Bobby, I didn't give her crap for that one.

Being Authentic vs. Fitting In

Speaker 1 18:15

Yeah, I guess. So I asked a good friend and she is a good follower of ours uh about hers and I said you know, what would you tell your younger self? And she said don't look back, keep looking forward for change, don't be afraid of change and stepping out of your comfort zone, even at 70 plus, because she's over 70 years old and, uh, trust what life brings to you. And you know she's a very spiritual person too. And she said the Lord will get you through it and keep your faith. So I thought that was pretty good, you know, just just staying very, very positive, yeah.

Speaker 2 18:55

So I have. I have a different one from someone who has a completely different life experience growing up than you or I ever had. Ok, and he didn't grow up around here. Ok, and he was where he grew up. Things he didn't grow up around here. Okay, and he was, um, where he grew up. Things like gangs and drugs were very prevalent. Some things that he said, and I think some of these are just really good for anybody, especially someone in in a bad situation. He says uh, don't ever give up because God will provide. Yep, those friends you have are going to end up dead or in prison.

Speaker 3 19:30

The friends quote unquote.

Speaker 2 19:32

Yes, work harder and be healthier, you're going to get through it. Don't count on family to save you when you're going through it. Yeah, you absolutely are worth it. And one thing that a lot of them did say that I asked is don't make dumb financial decisions, especially when you're younger. But we all do right. We do because we're learning, but at the same time, man, those follow you.

Speaker 3 19:59

They haunt you. They haunt you forever, oh man.

Speaker 2 20:01

That's for sure, oh man, and a lot of his were. You know, the drugs don't love you. They don't. No the people who give you those drugs they don't love you, that's exactly right it's. You can't always turn to something just to make it through. You know the drugs, the alcohol, the gangs, things like that. Yeah, none of it's going to be worth it.

Speaker 1 20:24

It isn't and you know it doesn't care if you come home at night. No it doesn't care if you get mugged.

Speaker 2 20:29

It doesn't care that your mom is crying over your grave.

Speaker 1 20:32

It doesn't care about any of that, whether it's drugs, alcohol, any, anything that is going to, you know, take control of you. Or again, you mentioned those friends. You know they're not true friends. You have to be true to yourself, and that's something that was on the list as I looked things up on the Internet. Being authentic to yourself is really scary, but more fulfilling than trying to fit in.

Speaker 2 20:57

And the sooner you do it, the happier your life is going to be. Yeah, I mean, it really is, because, yeah, you know, one of my big things is, I would look back and tell myself they don't love you.

Speaker 3 21:09

They don't love you.

Speaker 2 21:10

He, she, they. They do not love you. Most of the people that are in your life are there to watch something beautiful die in you.

Speaker 1 21:18

Yeah, period. It is true, they're there for the show.

Speaker 2 21:21

They're there to make themselves feel better and my biggest thing on that is don't let them. I'm not saying don't let them in your life, because there's people out there that needed your love. Regardless of how big of a piece of shit they were to you, they needed that love at that time. Yeah, what I'm saying is, don't give them the satisfaction of letting that die and letting them see it.

Speaker 1 21:44

Yeah, just don't and this is a sad reality that, even if they're good friends of yours, there's a part of certain people, and a lot of people, who want you to fail. They want you to be successful, just not too successful, right. They want you to be successful, just not more successful than them, right. They want you to lose weight, just, but they don't want you to be thinner than them, right.

Speaker 2 22:10

They don't want you to look better than them.

Speaker 1 22:12

They want you to get past this health scare, but there's a part of you now that is dependent on them as the friend and so unfortunately, that's a very self-centered thing to say, but it's true. It is Psychologically. A lot of people have that Now. I've always said I had friends who won $10,000, $100,000 in a lottery, scratch-off right, something whatever. I truly was happy for them.

Speaker 2 22:41

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 22:41

When I see people on TV who are winning, I am like happy for them. Yeah, I have no resentment whatsoever. You know why God didn't put that in my path, he put it in yours, and one of the things that I've always said to you kids is you know, if something didn't work out for you, it wasn't your opportunity.

Speaker 2 23:00

Right.

Speaker 1 23:01

That wasn't your opportunity today. It may have been the person behind you their opportunity. Maybe that looked like it was aiming your way, but it wasn't. It was for the person behind you. And when someone gets hurt because you and I both know someone who is like this it makes themselves into a victim all the time.

Speaker 2 23:20

I think all of us know someone like that. Everybody does.

Speaker 1 23:22

Everybody does. They make themselves into a victim. Oh poor me me. Oh well, I can't do that because of this. Or, oh my gosh, when something happens, people aren't targeting you. You just happen to be in the way, right like you know. If, if somebody decides that they want to get out of that relationship and move on, if you're young and you're trying to find yourself, find a relationship, the fact is is they weren't aiming at you. You just happened to be in the way, and so sometimes you get hurt for being in the way.

Speaker 1 23:59

Yeah, a convenience thing, it is kind of a convenience thing, and so just remember that every opportunity is not aimed at you. It may have been aimed at the person next to you and you thought it was for you. It wasn't.

Speaker 2 24:10

Right. So I also have a friend and he absolutely gave me permission to use this. You know we you had sent me a few voice clips when we talked about this for an episode.

Speaker 1 24:25

As examples.

Speaker 2 24:26

As examples, as examples uh, for an episode. As examples, as examples, as examples. Well, he feels the way that I think a lot of gen xers do, um, you know, in our 40s and 50s, right now, he, he, his biggest advice is don't buy a house, don't buy into the white picket fence dream, don't't go into debt for it. Don't, you know, live above your means for it. And his big thing is if you don't want to have kids, don't feel pressured for it. If you want to build your own life, you know, go be happy, go do what makes you happy, work towards being happy. Because if you work towards something that is a cookie cutter lifestyle, let's say, you know, the kids, the house, the dog, the nine to five job type of thing, if that's not what you truly want, deep down, it's going to kill you slowly yeah, because sometimes other people want that for you.

Speaker 1 25:22

Right, right, well, and we're conditioned for it. We are conditioned. You know when are you?

Speaker 2 25:26

getting married? When are you having children going to college?

Speaker 1 25:27

are you getting married? When are you having children? Are you going to college? Are you going to college? When are you going to get a full-time job? Yeah, when are you going to get a new car?

Speaker 2 25:32

Oh, I found this nice house down the street that you guys could, you know, buy, and you know, go get a loan and go get this, yeah, and things like man, just live within your means. Buy the shitbox car that you can pay cash for for now, you know, work towards something bigger than just a car and a house and things like that.

Speaker 1 25:54

Stop trying to impress somebody else.

Speaker 2 25:56

Stop trying to keep up with the Johnsons.

Financial Decisions and Life Choices

Speaker 1 25:59

With the Joneses. Come on now. So we had talked about this too before. Is it used to be that if you lived in a van down by the river, you were considered a dirt bike, and now people are going hey, this set me free now the vans are 250 000.

Speaker 2 26:16

There's that and the river spots are all taken, but there's a lot of people, yeah, and they cost, yeah, a hundred dollars a train that goes by them so there, there's a lot of people, though, that are trying to get themselves out from under these mortgages.

Speaker 1 26:31

Right, and you know it all starts with who can I impress? You don't have to impress anybody you're not out. You're not here to impress anybody. If you want to help somebody else, that's wonderful, but you're not here to impress anybody else. And so there are a lot of people who are saying, to hell with this, I'm not gonna work myself to death, um, just to show off to somebody else.

Speaker 2 26:52

Yeah, provide for the lifestyle that you want right absolutely because no one else is here. I mean, I think we've talked about this for before. Nobody else actually is invested in your happiness, right? No one else. You have to make yourself happy and if you're living a life where every morning you wake up and go, why the hell am I doing this? Why are you doing it? Why are you doing it? Change it. Yeah, there are some circumstances that are dumped on people that they have no control over. Right, you have to survive, right I mean you do you have to survive.

Speaker 2 27:25

Right, I mean you do you have to survive, but there's always that you know, that hope, like I have 10 more years until you know all the kids are grown and adults. So in 10 years I'm going to have enough money for my RV. That.

Speaker 3 27:39

I want.

Speaker 1 27:40

Yeah, you know things like that, I'm going to go work where I want to work, I'll have enough money to do whatever. Yeah, I agree with you on that, and we have to remember that our experiences, our goals, the things that are important to us, aren't always important to somebody else, and we can't really expect them to be, and so if they're not, that's okay. There's no big deal about that.

Speaker 2 28:09

So, dr Domain, any other comments from you related to that? He, he's been pretty quiet.

Speaker 1 28:12

He has been quiet, hasn't he? Are you still awake over there?

Speaker 3 28:14

yeah, I'm awake, you're awake so anything else? I mean think about your kids. I would tell my younger self well, think about even your kids what would you tell your kids that you know?

Speaker 2 28:24

or because I mean, they're basically your younger self, just really warped versions. That's how I see it. Like, this is me. If I did not, ever.

Speaker 3 28:34

You're kind of putting yourself up there you know bobby well part of it is knowing what I know now, which is not really fair in terms of trying to say, well, I should do this, or I tell myself to do that, if I would have known the life expectancy my parents I would have spent every moment I could with them.

Speaker 1 28:53

Yeah, I'd have been a better daughter, for sure.

Speaker 2 28:55

I think we all have that certain people in our lives better for me would have been, you know, more quality time yeah and it could be as simple as sitting, you know, with my parents, or listening to them or anything like that, going to dinner once a week.

Speaker 3 29:10

I credit my parents for teaching me a lot of life lessons and really molded me into who I am today, but still I wish I would have spent more time with them.

Speaker 1 29:22

Yeah, I didn't like some of the lessons I was taught, for sure, but they've certainly come in handy and they have certainly been something that I've tried to share with my own kids to say you know, hopefully this will make you a better person, hopefully this will protect you in life I don't know.

Speaker 3 29:44

Yeah, they were all lessons but, not once did my parents lie to me. So maybe Santa life, I don't know. Yeah, they were all lessons.

Speaker 2 29:50

But not once did my parents lie to me.

Speaker 3 29:51

So maybe, santa, I was gonna say like no, real, I mean like real substantial things in life like this is gonna hurt but it's for your own good yeah I get tired of hearing that yeah, I mean my my mother disassembled the relationship I had with someone, and at that time, as you know, a young person 15, 16, 17 years old. You're like you have no kind words.

Speaker 2 30:17

Yeah.

Speaker 3 30:19

You have nothing nice to say. You think that that person's the worst person on the planet. But as I look back at what my mom did, yeah, she was right.

Speaker 1 30:30

She was totally spot on. She was totally spot on. It was hard though, yeah, but also I think that, you know, if I have an enemy, it's not necessarily my kids' enemy, and I don't mean enemy, but if there's somebody that I just disagree with and it depends on what I disagree with them on, but if I'm in disagreement with somebody, there's somebody that I just disagree with, and it depends on what I disagree with them on. But if I'm in disagreement with something, somebody I don't necessarily want or need my kids it's not misery loves company I don't need them to hate that person too or dislike that it wasn't a matter of disagreement like, oh, they don't like the color blue and I really like the color blue it wasn't anything nothing superficial like that or even

Speaker 2 31:08

politics you know it was talking about like your first heartbreak yeah, this is more what like like your first, like girlfriend, and they said don't do that, that's not good son, we forbid you.

Speaker 3 31:21

Yeah, well, I think I think the advantage that my parents had, my mother in particular, was that she had gotten to know the parents of this person and the lifestyle they were leading. And you know, we're kind of a part of that, we're a product of our upbringing to some extent which we just talked about, and she could kind of see the writing on the wall on the direction that they were taking their daughter, and so that's kind of what led her to do what she did.

Speaker 2 31:55

Now was it my decision? No, yeah, it was ultimately my decision.

Speaker 3 32:00

Do I make it easy on me? No, yeah. But now I look back and I see that person. I'm like yeah, that was not the path.

Speaker 2 32:07

I wanted to go down, but you have to give yourself some grace, because at 15, 16, 17 years old, that probably is the worst pain, the worst thing that had happened to you at that point on that emotional level. So, I mean, you know, you look back and you're like, oh, I've gone through worse. Yeah, you have now, but at 15, 16, 17, that was the end of the world.

Speaker 1 32:28

Right, you don't know the worst that's coming.

Speaker 2 32:31

You don't, you don't and you think this is just the most horrible thing ever. This is going to end my entire life and I'll never be happy.

Speaker 3 32:44

And I remember telling my kids that's one thing, sorry, that's one thing, that when I look at that experience that I had that that little life lessons and in retrospect it was small compared to everything else, it it really just said yeah screw you, you know I'm done listening to my mom and dad.

Speaker 3 32:58

Yeah, right, yeah, I mean you get to that point, you're like they don't know anything yeah, I mean they don't have this figured out you don't know me, mom, but now yeah, so it's kind of I'm. I'm trying to go back to the part that you asked me about, and that is I would I'd have to. I'd have to set that aside and have to go spend more time with my mom and dad yeah, I think that would be super important. It's hard.

Speaker 1 33:24

I can say that easily now, but back then, oh, that would have been a hard pill to swallow, to be able to put that down, yeah yeah, I I think one thing that was uh difficult as a parent, and I'm sure it was difficult as a child, when bobby and her sister were growing up, is I remember them saying you can't tell me who to hang out with, you can't tell me who my friends are.

Family Relationships and Regrets

Speaker 2 33:44

Yeah, I can well okay, let's set the scene, because we were kicked out at dawn and let in at dark. But yeah, I mean there if we got caught with certain friends there was definitely an ass whooping coming, but so let me just tell you when all the neighborhood kids hung out together. You know there was some some in there, that you know there were.

Speaker 1 34:05

But you know, she says we were kicked out at dawn and brought back in at dark. You think I didn't know where you were. Are you on crack? I hope not today.

Speaker 2 34:18

The amount of times that she would show up at someone's door and I'm like, how did you know? I mean, there's 53 bikes in the front yard, but how did?

Speaker 1 34:27

you know, or or she would you know. One of one of the two would say you know, how did you know that happened? How did you know we did that? How did you know I knew where you were and and the whole thing was was? I would always tell these girls it doesn't matter what you do, I put my parents through a hell of a lot worse. Yeah, so you bring it on and they did try, but I think that was really hard for a young kid, is to say you're not going to hang out with that person.

Speaker 2 34:56

Well, because basically, as a parent, you're looking at your child and saying I I don't trust your judgment right now, and neither should you. So, you're asking someone who's already going through a difficult time in their life with puberty and everything else and finding themselves to look at themselves and say you can't trust your own judgment.

Speaker 1 35:15

So let me ask you this as an adult what would you tell your younger self as an adult? That is different. It would be different than well, we just talked about.

Speaker 2 35:26

I do. I have three big things that I would tell myself. Okay. Number one is uh, as long as you think forever is half that and then divide that by 20 and it's still not as long as you're actually going to have. And I say that you know about, you think you're going to have forever with this person, or you think you're going to have forever to do this. Forever is not that long. It is not as long as you think it is. So you know, just remember that, because you're you think that as, especially as a kid, forever is forever.

Speaker 2 36:00

You know, you think 40 is old and you think 80 is ancient type of thing. But yeah, I mean, you gotta, you gotta cut that way, way down, and that's still not small enough as to to how how much forever actually that's a good point, meaning we just don't have the time that we know, we do so what does that mean? Just live it up live it up but also whatever else you want well, it's more about other people, it's more about people that you really care about. You think that you always have that forever.

Speaker 1 36:30

Yeah, and it's not as long as you think.

Speaker 2 36:34

Even if they live to be a ripe old age. It's still not as long as you think. It's not as long as you need. It's not as long as you want.

Speaker 1 36:48

There's a saying out there this too shall pass, this too shall pass, yeah, and some people think that's biblical. I don't think it is. Is it dr domain? I don't believe that it is, but this I think it's just motivational but what that means isn't that you're in a bad situation, and this too shall pass.

Speaker 2 36:59

You could be in a good situation and it will will pass, and this too shall pass.

Speaker 1 37:03

Just be prepared. You're not going to be able to ride that wave all the time.

Speaker 2 37:08

Yeah, and my second one is something my dad told me when I was a late teenager. Oh, this ought to be interesting. So, my dad, great guy Anybody that doesn't know him he's a really good guy. Something that he said to me when I was younger was it him he's a really good guy. Um, something that he said to me when I was younger was it doesn't matter if it's for six days or six months or six years, if you want to do something, do it, just go do it.

Speaker 2 37:34

If you last six days, good you did it. If you last six months, good you did it. You're not going to have that regret of looking back and going oh man, man, when I was 23, I should have done this. Yeah, you know, and I have lived by that quite a bit in my life and it has afforded me not only to do some things that I want, but it's also afforded me to get out of some very, very volatile and dangerous situations. Because it's you know, you look at it six days, even if you have to look at it for six hours. Hey, I went and did this for six hours and I never thought I would.

Speaker 2 38:07

You know, you kind of just give yourself the strength to say I'm just going to do it and whatever happens happens.

Speaker 1 38:14

I right now am down here at the other end of the studio trying to get past the fact that she just described her father as being such a wonderful, great guy. If anybody knows him, he's a wonderful guy. I've heard you talk about me, bobby, and you.

Speaker 2 38:28

You say she's I like your mullet weirdo, I don't have a mullet I got it. I like your mullet though stop it it's better than your 80s one.

Speaker 1 38:38

So I got my hair cut. I got about seven or 8 inches cut off and so it's shorter and it's kind of a shag and she goes oh, that's a mullet. See, that's the nicest thing you can say about me.

Speaker 2 38:50

It's short in front, it's short on the sides and it's all party in the back. It is not.

Speaker 1 38:55

It's the same length on the side. You, bonehead Gosh, get your glasses checked and plus, if I was, was gonna ask anybody about fashion it wouldn't be me. Gotta be honest with you it wouldn't be.

Speaker 2 39:08

Look, I said it looked good. It does it looks good. But I gotta go on your list. Last one, I have to give you crap. You know, I gotta, I gotta knock you down a few pegs your dad is a nice, nice guy.

Speaker 1 39:21

There's no doubt about it. He's a good guy and he's been a good father for you kids.

Speaker 2 39:26

Absolutely so. My biggest one is as a kid, and of course you know everything we went through as a kid and everything like that is. Your parents are still growing. They're doing everything that they're doing for the first time. There's no instruction manual, but at the same time, you need to put it down. What does that mean? Put it down, you're a kid, put it down that's not yours to carry.

Speaker 1 39:53

I see what you're saying. You're talking about any type of uh, a hereditary type of hereditary emotional things like that you know during your guys's divorce.

Speaker 2 40:05

I shouldered a lot. I did, yeah, and a lot of it was because you were going through this for the first time, right, you know, and I was around you a lot and I I felt that emotion because you know I would see you cry, I would see you break down, I would see you go. How am I would see you go? How am I going to do this? I mean, I never saw you give up, that's for sure, but at the same time as a kid, put it down. Man, yeah, put it down. I remember the adults handle the adult things and go outside and be a damn kid.

Speaker 1 40:34

It was tough on you kids and I remember your, your sister, making a comment comment to me later on in life. She said you know, the hardest part for me, mom was watching you go through this, because here was the strongest woman I had ever met in my entire life and you were falling apart. So she said where did that leave me? Yeah, where did that leave bobby? Yep, and I never even thought about it that way because to me I I was losing my husband. To you guys, your father was still going to be there.

Speaker 2 41:04

Right.

Speaker 1 41:05

So to me it wasn't as big a loss, Right.

Speaker 2 41:07

Because, I'm self-centered.

Speaker 1 41:08

Right and um but, that's how it was?

Speaker 2 41:11

because you were just me. You were grieving someone.

Speaker 1 41:13

But you guys saw me break down and it scared you.

Speaker 3 41:18

Yeah, and she said we were scared.

Speaker 1 41:19

Oh yeah, and she said we were scared.

Speaker 2 41:20

Oh yeah, we were scared.

Speaker 1 41:21

When we saw you break down, we were scared.

Speaker 2 41:24

Yeah, because we knew that shit had hit the fan.

Speaker 1 41:26

Yeah, and so I think that's a great lesson for people who are going through these things. You know going through a divorce or separation or something is to understand. You know what kind of impact it does have on the kids. It isn't just oh, I didn't call him a name or I didn't say anything bad in front of him. It's what your kids see of you and then what you turn into because of it.

Speaker 2 41:51

And, boy, if I could do that over again there's and there's a lot of things that we could say, that if we could do it over again, but in the end you know it's who we are yeah it's who we are.

Final Thoughts and Life Lessons

Speaker 2 42:04

It's why I raised my kids the way I raise them. You know, I learned a lot of good lessons from a lot of the trauma of the past and I don't think that I would be in the position today that I'm in. I think I would be much worse off if I didn't go through those things.

Speaker 1 42:19

Yeah, if I didn't know I think you're a smart cat and I think that you've learned a lot and I think that you've experienced a lot and unfortunately, good or bad, yeah, you know. Whatever, I think it has made you who you are. And you know, people look at us and say you guys are such strong women. No, we're not. No, no, we're not. We tear apart inside just like anybody else.

Speaker 1 42:42

Oh yeah, and you know my feelings can be hurt at the drop of a hat, and so can yours, and we just don't show it. We've become not numb to it. We're not numb and we're not strong, so let's just keep that out there in the forefront.

Speaker 2 42:58

Well, I think that we are strong. I think that we just don't choose to be strong Like in the forefront. Well, I think that we are strong. I think that we just we don't choose to be strong like it's not something that we go out and seek, it's not something that's like a badge of honor to us, it's something that we were forced to do I think we go into protection mode.

Speaker 1 43:10

Yeah, you know that's what we do, but I do like I do let my kids see emotions.

Speaker 2 43:15

I do let them, you know, see that there are difficulties but there are ways out.

Speaker 3 43:22

Yeah, you know we're going to go through it, but it's completely okay to break down things like that.

Speaker 2 43:28

But yeah, honestly I would. I would go back and I would say, man, put them damn bags down, they're not yours to carry. That's a good advice. Please go be a kid. Please go be a kid.

Speaker 1 43:39

I want to end this with a quick list here. Number one, not necessarily in this order, but nothing turns out. How you plan, you know there's a saying that says you know you want to share your plan with God. That'll give him a good laugh. Being your authentic self is scary, but it's more fulfilling than trying to fit in.

Speaker 2 44:00

That's like Dr Domain said yeah, absolutely, just be who you are. It was never an emo phase. Right, it's who I am Not everybody's going to like you.

Speaker 1 44:09

No, and it's not personal, it's not really against you. They're just not going to like you.

Speaker 2 44:14

Not everybody likes bacon, you know what? Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 44:19

She's not mine. Also, your experience and your skill are valuable, but not to everybody. So let's just face it they are valuable, just not always to everybody else. There's no right way to do most things with your life. There's a lot of multiple different ways to do it, and some may be right, some may be wrong. It's up to you to experience life. Also, love isn't something that you need to be afraid to give, and you don't need to be afraid to get yeah um always remember quality over quantity.

Speaker 2 44:55

You talked about that, bobby oh yeah, that's why I got like three friends. But I'm telling you what one phone call and any one of them would be up at that jail with bail money going. Hey where are we going to eat?

Speaker 1 45:06

and always remember that nobody is as critical of you as you are of yourself, that little voice in your head.

Speaker 2 45:14

We need to lay that down mine sounds like my mom oh my gosh I always really what, what's going on with this here?

Speaker 1 45:22

What's going on with this here? What's going on with this?

Speaker 2 45:24

Why are we doing this here, when we could be doing this?

Speaker 1 45:29

Yeah, yeah, okay. Well, I think that's probably all we've got for today, and we really appreciate those who did respond to us to this question, and thank you for that, but we do want to hear from other people, don't we?

Speaker 2 45:43

Absolutely, and if we didn't reach out to you this episode, trust me, we've got plenty more time to reach out to you for some other questions.

Speaker 3 45:50

For some episodes You're not safe. Don't try to hide, you are not safe and we know where you live.

Speaker 2 45:54

That's right. That is all the insanity that we have for today. We do appreciate you joining us here at the Rabbit Hole studio. Be sure to follow us, because we look forward to spending time with you each and every week. Please like us. If you have positive feedback, or if you have a comment, a question, a topic any of those, you can drop us a short email at boomer and gen X or at gmailcom. And if you have hate Mel, well, I mean, send that to little me, cause I'm sure she'd enjoy reading it.

Speaker 2 46:24

She'd just tear it up or color over it. Little emo Bobby.

Speaker 1 46:27

That's right.

Speaker 2 46:28

Until next week. I'm Bobby Joy and I'm Jane Burt, and you're stuck with us. Peace out Later.