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The holidays promise magic, but many of us feel dread creeping in the edges—expectations, family tension, grief that won’t stay buried, and the money squeeze that turns giving into guilt. We open the door on the messy middle and offer a calmer way through. From the spotless-house myth that dies in 30 seconds to the relief of letting kids be loud and joyful, we reframe what a “good” gathering looks like and why presence beats performance every time.

We get candid about boundaries—the kind that keep you and your kids safe. Not every invite deserves a yes, and not every tradition survives a new season. We talk through handling toxic dynamics without triangulation, setting time limits, and choosing a smaller table or friendsgiving when that’s what protects your peace. Anxiety often spikes this time of year, and it’s not just the calendar. Grief resurfaces with empty chairs and familiar songs, body memory can pull you low in cold months, and seasonal affective disorder makes short days feel heavier. Add sleep debt, double shifts, and social overload, and you’ve got a perfect storm. We share practical resets: daylight breaks, simpler menus, quiet pockets before crowds, and honest check-ins.

Money stress is real, so we rethink gifting with compassion. A $25 cap can be two hours of someone’s life; that tradeoff matters. We suggest practical care packages, pooled meals, and explicit permission to scale back. Loneliness deserves attention too—especially for elders, shift workers, and friends far from family—so we offer small, actionable ways to widen the table without creating new burdens. If you’re struggling, calling or texting 988 can be a lifeline; you don’t have to carry this alone.

Come for the humor, stay for the relief. Leave with smarter boundaries, kinder expectations, and a plan to choose connection over performance. If this helped you breathe easier, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review so others can find us.

email: boomerandgenxer@gmail.com

Transcript

Holiday Setup And Show Vibe

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone to today's show. We're going to run extra walking to a bar from the rabbit run studio. We are in 14 different locations. Uh, but you as our listener will experience some wit and wisdom, some smart ass re and a mother and a daughter questioning. Are we even related? My name is Jane. My co-host is my daughter Bobby. And for the next several minutes, we're here to entertain you. I will tell you right now that we are recording around the holidays. So, Bobby, how's it been working for you?

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Well, so far it's been work and home, and that's basically been it. Just the stress of, you know, getting everybody ready for the holidays.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

So we are past Thanksgiving. Not sure when our listeners will be listening to this podcast. It could be in May or June or July, for all we know, because it's in our library, right? Hey, our Thanksgiving went pretty good. Nobody got into a barroom brawl. We didn't have to push furniture back or throw sawdust on the floor or anything like that.

Post-Thanksgiving Wins And Humor

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Yeah, we uh we didn't have to do a Facebook live of anybody uh bringing beef to the dinner. And uh yeah, it was good.

Perfection Pressure And Expectations

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Police weren't even called, so I know we feel pretty good about that. One of the things that I wanted to talk about today, Bobby, because we did successfully make it through a holiday without an argument. One, uh some of the stresses that holidays bring up, or some of the problems, some psychological, some other, uh, that people run into when we are trying to sit down to dinner, trying to get families together, or even friends for that matter. Can you think of any issues that your friends have talked about that uh I don't know, maybe they had at their holidays?

SPEAKER_00 1:54

I know a big one was, you know, everybody thinks you invite people to your house and everything has to be perfect and clean and you know, it has to look a certain way, it has to go a certain way. And, you know, in reality, especially when I was younger, the only thing I really remembered about holidays was, you know, the food and the fact that we got together. I didn't remember if the house was clean, I didn't remember if the dog was barking, I didn't remember if you know Uncle Randy got drunk and passed out on the couch. What you remember is everybody, you know, showing up and just being there.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Yeah, I get it. Because some of those things uh may have happened in our family when uh you kids were younger, where somebody may have gotten a little intoxicated and uh fell over somebody, started a fight, spilled everything on the floor, and then we were all pissed off about it. But you know me, I am OCD, and so I of course want the house completely spotless. But one thing I have learned, Bobby, is once y'all come in, it's within 30 seconds that that house is not spotless anymore.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

It's true, it's true.

Kids, Noise, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_01 3:08

So, one of the stresses that or one of the issues that people have during the holidays are, as you mentioned, expectations. We expect everything to be perfect, we expect our houses to be clean and tidy, and like you said, most people really don't even notice any of that.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

No, and uh and there's stuff like you know, the kids have to be perfect and you know have to dress a certain way and act a certain way. And I'm just at the point where you know, kids will be kids. Let me see them being kids and being happy and screeching through the house, and you know, I'm I'm just happy to be there.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Yeah, I get it, and so the expectations I think is the big psychological thing. We all tell ourselves in our heads that we expect certain things during the holidays, whether that's oh my gosh, I'm so fearful that somebody will say something wrong, I'm fearful that somebody will get into politics or religion, or I'm fearful that you know, we've got somebody showing up that we didn't know was gonna show up, or somebody was supposed to show up and didn't.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Have we heard that, Bobby? Oh yeah, yeah, we have, especially when we don't limit the, you know, have a time limit for everybody to where, okay, we'll be here for an hour and then we'll leave, you know, because uh after a while you kind of get bored and politics and religion come up and you know, all this other stuff.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

So I had heard somebody say that if your house gets really loud when your kids and grandkids are there, whether it's during the holidays or whatever, that you should be proud of that because the kids feel pretty open that they can be themselves and they can have fun and they can laugh. You know, the older I get, the more I am spending more time with just either me and Dr. Domain or me by myself. It's like uh sometimes when you hear that loud noise, it gets you on edge. You know, we experience that as we get older. This last Thanksgiving, I thought that to myself, I thought it's really nice to hear how loud these kids can get and they're just having they're just having fun. And so I was pretty happy about that.

Toxic Dynamics And Hard Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 5:24

Yeah, and you know, there's there's other things that definitely play into that. Growing up, you know, when we all got together, everybody came together um regardless of of what was going on and stuff. And I think the in more recent years, you know, with with people breaking generational curses and things like that, there are some things that get you know put up on the chopping block. Like we don't invite certain family members because they're toxic or they're abusive or some things happened. And so that that does break down a lot of holidays for people to where a lot of times it's just a friends giving, you know, like you said, friends getting together and just having a friends giving because that's their family, or you know, even just a smaller family unit getting together and not even worrying about people who don't show up because hey, if they wanted to be there, they'd be there.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Let's venture on that one because we have had situations where we have invited people and we've been sorry after inviting them because they actually show up, whether it's friends or whether it's relatives, or we've had situations where people come into the house and they actually cause more tension and more anxiety because someone is mad at the other person and they're in the corner being mad, not talking to everyone, or they're talking behind somebody's back. And I'll be honest with you, we've not experienced that. And I think that's probably because I draw a hard line on that, and so do you girls now, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Right. I mean, we've had you know the unexpected guests that you know either cause tension or even the the expected guests that showed up and did cause tension, but it's we're not ones to kind of talk to you know each other behind that person's back. If they're there, they're hearing it.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

Right, exactly. And I guess I have gotten to a point now where you know, if you don't want to be here, don't come. Right. If I if I invite you, it's because I want you there and I want your, you know, I want to see you, I want to experience the holiday with you. But if you don't want to come or you feel like, oh gosh, I gotta go to Jane's house today, stay home.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Right. And a lot of people do it because they expect things. You know, they they they come once a year to get gifts and eat food and then you know, disappear for the rest of the year. Yeah, I I'm all for I want your presence, like be near me rather than you to get me a gift.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

I mean, I gotta be honest with you, I struggle with that because we have a few people that don't give us the time of day during a year, and then at Christmas, because we are handing out gifts or handing out money or handing out, as you mentioned, good food, just feel like they're gonna show up and then we don't see them for another year. I struggle with that because my my whole thing is I want you in my life and I want you to have a relationship with me. If you don't want to, that's fine, move on. And I don't care if you're friends or family, if you don't want to be there, don't be there. You don't owe me anything, I don't owe you anything. And people go, you know, I know some people will be saying to themselves, oh, you shouldn't be that way. You know, you always want family there. I'm not saying I don't want family there, I'm saying if you don't want to be there, don't be there because I think it causes more anxiety, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:05

And you know, we there have been issues with basically people who do just show up once a year, and you know, they're there with their hands out and smiles on their faces, but the minute that that celebration is over, they're out the door, we don't see them till next you know, holiday season.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

So this will kind of blow your mind. Apparently, statistics show that the amount of time that you spend with your therapist because of anxiety during the holidays goes up about 76% during that time period, and I can see that, and that's how much anxiety this stuff causes people. It really does kind of blow my mind because, like I said, I I'm like a duck with in water, just let it roll off your back because it's not worth worrying about anymore. But 76%, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

I can see that, but I also see the the flip side of it dealing with, you know, maybe you had really abusive parents and now you have children. Do you want to bring your children around just because they're their grandparents? That causes a lot of anxiety. Uh, you're, you know, if you're fighting with a sibling and you two went your separate ways and the holidays come up and you know you're gonna see them. That's huge anxiety. Even the anxiety of trying to get everything perfect for everybody, you know, trying to get them the gifts that they want, things like that. Am I gonna be able to afford to go see my parents this year? You know, and if I can't afford it, well, what if it's their last year? Or what if I don't see them next year? There's just, I mean, it's just a huge, huge uh therapy bill, in my opinion.

Therapy Spikes And Holiday Anxiety

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Yeah, I agree with you. So besides the relationship issues and the unrealistic expectations, one thing that we have to be cognizant of is a lot of people are suffering from grief during that time period. Maybe they lost someone this past year, or maybe they lost someone during the holiday period, and it brings back memories of that person, and and they're still grieving. And grieving doesn't have a time limit, right? I could get over it a lot quicker than maybe somebody else, or somebody else could get over it a lot quicker than me. I think we have to be cognizant of that, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

And and it's not just grief. Um, one thing that has come up since it has gotten colder, you know, we've gotten a lot of snow here um in Iowa, and the temperatures have dropped to darn near the single digits lately. If you have a traumatic event that happened in the wintertime or around the holidays, just because you may push it back in your mind, your body remembers, and your body's gonna be stressed out, and that is going to affect your mental state. You're gonna go around going, Why am I feeling like this? Why am I so sad? And you know, like I said, you may think that you've gotten over it, but your body remembers, it really does, and that that's tough for a lot of people.

Grief, Body Memory, And Winter Triggers

SPEAKER_01 12:14

It's exhausting, it can be very exhausting for people, and just you know, getting everything ready. I I'll be honest with you. Um, the older I get, the more that I kind of um, you know, it's harder for me probably to get things ready because I I lose energy quicker than I did when I was younger. I think I still got a lot of energy, but I was gonna say, but it it is exhausting to get everything together, you know, to make sure everything is perfect, because you know me, OCD, I want everything perfect. It's exhausting. People don't get the rest that they need during the holidays, and so that too can lead to a heightened sense of anxiety or depression. What about loneliness during the holidays?

SPEAKER_00 13:02

That's horrible. Loneliness is horrible, you know, especially when you know that it is the holidays and the people that you know, your friends and things like that, the few that you may have, they're busy with their families. You know, they they have obligations, they have things to do around the holidays, and so a lot of times people feel guilty, you know, reaching out and saying, Hey, I'm really lonely because everybody's got shit to do.

Sleep, Burnout, And Seasonal Affective Disorder

SPEAKER_01 13:29

You know, some of us really aren't lonely on the holidays. I mean, like for Thanksgiving, I know Dr. Domain, you spent Thanksgiving the following day and two days with your your boys, um, because that's the way it worked out. They had other places to go, right? Right. I know that for Christmas Eve, you know, people go, Oh, you're gonna be alone on Christmas Eve. Trust me, I'm good with it. But I mean, I'll be at work, so yeah, you have to take into consideration some of these folks who don't get visitors, whether it's elderly, whether it's people who just don't have close family members or friends locally, they can get really lonely during the holidays. And I try to listen up during the holidays. We've invited friends over, right? We've had friends at the dinner table because we knew that they were going to be alone. We didn't want them to be alone, and they they accepted our invitation. So crazy them for doing that, uh coming into our shit show. But the other thing is not only loneliness, but you can get burnout pretty quick. That you know, some of those common symptoms that we would see are they include sadness around the holidays that people who are typically bubbly, no issues, now all of a sudden they're they're sad, and there's a seasonal disorder, uh, right, because of of that. And also, you know, like I mentioned, fatigue, it's exhausting. Irritability is another symptom, uh, which disrupts your sleep patterns for sure. Like you, I know you work a lot of overtime, you work a lot of double shifts. Not only is that exhausting under normal circumstances, but now you know you're out there trying to get your family ready for the holiday meals, you're trying to prepare gifts, you're trying to see the people that you want to see during the holidays, and it can really disrupt your sleep. And guess what happens then? It disrupts your or it impacts your mental health. So, Bobby, that might be why you're crazy.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Many, many years of it, yeah. And you know, going back to the um seasonal disorder, it's actually called seasonal affective disorder. And you know, what's really depressing to me is the fact that the holidays happen in the winter months, in the coldest parts of you know, the year, because we have shorter days, we have less sunlight, it's colder, everybody's inside, we become more alone uh because we're not out, we're not doing things. And so seasonal affective disorder is a real thing, and you pile that on top of all the stress and all the expectations. And honestly, I mean, it's just it's just a bomb waiting to go off on the wrong person.

Financial Strain And Rethinking Gifts

SPEAKER_01 16:30

I I totally agree because you've got a you've got several people who are out there really kind of just living on the edge, trying to make it day in and day out, and sometimes they don't have anyone to turn to, sometimes no one to talk to, or they think they don't have anyone to talk to. I I know I'm not one to to talk to a lot of people, I just keep it to myself. I do I do bore Dr. Domain with my issues every single day, and um but one thing that it can lead to is you know potentially it can increase substance use. You could have, you know, issues with isolation, and we talked about you know it disrupting routines, so because you get sensory overload, it can trigger past traumas. If you had major family issues in the past, now you've mended those, but now you're meeting with your family again. Let's face it, those traumas still come to mind because you're hopeful it doesn't ever happen again.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Yeah, and and if you have children, you know, children are very perceptive of their parents and you know the the mood around the house. And even if you're being all holly jolly and trying to just, you know, put a smile on your face in front of the kids, they can feel that difference. They can feel the tension, they can feel, you know, the loneliness, the hurt, things like that. And so it it even begins to affect kids, you know, at school and at you know their sports, it can really affect them, and they just they don't know why they're just kind of feeling what uh is going on around them.

Gratitude, Faith, And What Matters

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Another item that is uh it's just very prominent is financial stress. You know, people feel like yeah, because people there, you know, I mean, there's a lot of people out there just living paycheck to paycheck, making their making their bills, sometimes not even making their bills, and now the expectation of buying gifts comes upon them. The expectation of you know bringing something to the dinner. Because that's that's costly. I don't care what anybody says. One thing that we had a tradition, and we stopped it because I was getting so tired is for years my two daughters would come over to the house and we had a bake day. That bake day, we made tons of stuff. I mean, just you know, cookies and cakes and candies and just tons and tons of stuff, and we split it three ways, and they could give it to their friends, they could eat it themselves, they could do whatever they wanted with it, but each one of us had a plethora of food that we were taking back with us, and the cost of just doing that, because I I paid for everything, which was no big deal, but the cost of doing that for someone else can be very substantial, and it can be you know, uh a weight that somebody feels like they have to carry. Oh, I have to make this for the dinner, I have to take something, I have to buy a gift, I don't even like this person, and I have to buy a gift because I drew their name or whatever the reason. It doesn't make any difference. And frankly, folks, that's not what the holidays are about. That's not at all. The holidays are about celebrating, you know, what's going on that holiday, whether it's Thanksgiving, giving thanks for and being grateful for everything that you you have, everything. Everything that you, you know, you were afforded this year, all the opportunities. And Christmas, of course, you know, is the birth of Christ. And in my book, I don't know about all of our listeners whether that's what they celebrate, but that's what I celebrate is the birth of Christ. And so we want everybody to be happy. I don't want people spending money. I don't want them to have that burden. And so, you know, just taking that off of their agenda or their requirements for the year can be very helpful. You know, if we just share love and joy and the ability to be with the people that you know we love, I think that's enough, don't you?

SPEAKER_00 20:44

I do. And one thing that I think helps a lot of people to understand about the gift giving thing is you have to understand that if you do, like let's say you do a gift exchange at work and the limit's$25. A lot of people are not making$25 an hour. So you're looking at two hours of someone's life that they worked to buy that little tiny$25 gift. And a lot of people would say, well, you know, it's it's nothing big deal. Well, it is because that's two hours of your life away from your family that you have worked in order to purchase that gift. I would rather see you use that money towards your family, use that time towards your family than to ever worry about getting me a candle that I'll never light because it'll probably light one of the cats on fire.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

So I think that's an excellent point, Bobby. And you know, just putting that into perspective, that's a good point. How long does somebody actually have to work to get you that gift? You know, are you expecting that gift? And and I know I used to ask you kids to give me some ideas for Christmas or or just make a list. And it's like, well, if you have to make a list, how well do you know this person? And why are you giving them gifts? Right? So now I don't even once in a while, if I can't think of something for one of the kids, and I don't buy big gifts, I buy little gifts because I give money now because you're all old enough for that. If you have to provide a list, how well do you know that person?

SPEAKER_00 22:15

Right. And I will say that probably some of the best gifts I got on Christmas as an adult were those care packages that you'd put together that had the laundry basket, the soap, the paper towels, the dish soap, you know, things like that. Because there were a lot of times that I was as an adult was struggling, and that was the best gift of all, you know, is having that stuff.

Practical Gifts And Everyday Support

SPEAKER_01 22:39

Yeah, I think that's a good point. And that was those are excellent gifts. I I would love to get something like that from somebody, but yeah, you know, toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, you know, detergent, you know, shampoos and conditioners, all of the things that you kids need just to get by is always welcomed. And I think that's an excellent point that you bring that up. And so we just want to tell everybody, you know, if you're listening to this, not around the holidays, hopefully you'll think about it during the holidays, and you know, just invite people over and you know, you don't have to do anything big deal, just love one another, be happy that you have the opportunity to spend that time with them and you know, just spread the joy because all of this, you know, there's just so much anger and hate right now that's that's being conveyed to one another, whether it's because of politics or religion, or I didn't get this or I didn't get that. You know, that's just sheer ungratefulness. That's all that is, is just sheer ungratefulness. So be grateful, be thankful, be happy that you know you have the opportunity to see these people again, and you're not standing over a casket, you know, regretting the fact that you treated them poorly or that you didn't see them. If you don't want to be there, don't be there. Be honest, just say, hey, I don't want to be there. You know, just move on. I just I think that's all I have for today, Bobby. But I do want to thank all of our listeners because we are in three different locations. We do have technical difficulties from the three locations. We do our best to edit these things out, but you know, most of the technical difficulties are me. Bobby had a heyday with me before uh because Dr. Domain was trying to get me all hooked up and and she knew that I couldn't even see it on my screen. So she kind of regretted not being here with me today. But we do thank you for listening in. We apologize for any technical difficulties that we have or how this comes across, but we appreciate you listening. And Bobby, I think that's all we have for today.

Choose Connection, Skip The Drama

SPEAKER_00 24:50

Uh, I do have one more thing. Listen, uh, I know this is gonna come out on the other end of the holidays, so I hope that everybody survived it. Um, but most importantly, if you're having a difficult time, there is something that you can do. You can pick up your phone, you can call 988, or you can text it. You don't even have to talk on the phone. So if you're having a difficult time, use it. All right, because hey, we love you guys, we love you as listeners, but most importantly, we want you here for the new year. All right.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

So absolutely. That's a great point, Bobby. Thank you for bringing that up.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

Absolutely. So I think that is all the insanity over holidays that we do have for today, but we do appreciate you joining us at all three locations of the Rabbit Run Studio today. Be sure to follow us because we look forward to spending time with you each and every week. Like us on Facebook. And if you have positive feedback for us, or if there is a topic or a question that you want us to talk about, drop us a short email at boomer and genxer at gmail.com. And if you have hate mail, uh, hey, wrap that up in a nice little present because I I would love to open that once today. So until next week, I'm Bobby Joy, and I'm Jamie Boom, and here's multiple.