Three Word Story
Welcome to "Three Word Story," where each episode improvises a tale from the unknown. Join hosts James Royle and Dylan Jacobs as they stumble through narratives sparked by three random words generated from the map app what3words thethreewordstory@gmail.com
Three Word Story
20. Debating Cartoons & Karate Shop Hotline
Classic cartoons like Tom & Jerry, Johnny Bravo, and Courage the Cowardly Dog weren't just mindless entertainment—they were formative influences that shaped our worldviews in ways we're only now understanding as adults.
James and Dylan dive deep into cartoon analysis, challenging conventional perspectives with refreshingly mature takes: perhaps Tom was the sympathetic working-class hero all along, while Jerry was the entitled trespasser facing zero consequences for his actions? Maybe Johnny Bravo's character wasn't a humorous display of confidence but rather a cautionary tale about delusion and misogyny that would fit uncomfortably well into certain internet subcultures today? And could Courage the Cowardly Dog actually be television's most surreal portrayal of gaslighting—a loyal pet repeatedly dismissed despite witnessing genuine threats?
Between animated deconstructions, James shares a mishap in the desert where his car became stuck in sand, leading to an unexpected rescue by fasting Ramadan observers who demonstrated extraordinary kindness despite their own physical discomfort. This story transitions beautifully into a thought experiment about where each host would choose to have their final beer if alcohol disappeared forever—Dylan's familiar childhood golf range versus James's transcendent Alpine vista revealing fundamental differences in how they process meaningful experiences.
The episode culminates in an improvised segment where Dylan handles increasingly absurd customer service calls at a fictional karate shop, fielding complaints about "face-removing nunchucks" and "assassination-ready rubber guns" with remarkable composure. Their ability to navigate these scenarios showcases the quick wit and imaginative thinking that animated their childhood favorites clearly cultivated.
Send us your own three words for future episodes or share your cartoon hot takes at thethreewordstory@gmail.com!
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Welcome to Three Word Story. I'm James.
Speaker 2:I'm Dylan.
Speaker 1:And this is the podcast where we take three words from the app.
Speaker 2:What three words.
Speaker 1:And improv the shit out of a story.
Speaker 2:Today on Three Word Story Panorama driving range.
Speaker 3:Double kill.
Speaker 2:Um, all right, so we are basically debating cartoons Fuck yes, I'm in. Yeah, Johnny Bravo. What a weirdo. What a weirdo. Confidence or delusion.
Speaker 1:And her face fell off. She has no face. You, sir, owe me one child's face and I'm just falling because I need your help, mr Dillon, if you could help me. Indeed, god save Our gracious Dylan. Long live our Wonderful Dylan. God save our Dylan, dylan.
Speaker 2:That's rude of him.
Speaker 3:I got rid of applause, so that was all I had.
Speaker 1:For those on YouTube, you can see Dylan is wearing a very, very fetching crown. For those who haven't, hence, therefore, I gave him the respect that he deserved as King Dylan IV. How are you today, my wonderful zany friend?
Speaker 2:gracias, james very kingly of you yeah, mi amigo es pergata mantues me sina. Anyways, I'm gonna stop. Gracias, james, very kingly of you. Yeah, mi amigo es Pregata Montuez. Anyways, I'm going to stop right there, hi James, yeah, I'm doing pretty well. Good on this Thursday afternoon.
Speaker 1:It is a Thursday afternoon. Word on the street, yeah.
Speaker 2:Last time I checked, I mean, yeah, the previous time that you had to name a date, it was.
Speaker 1:I think you were awful. I fucked it immediately. It was early on then. I even I doubted you. I checked the calendar and I really hammered it home how terrible it was. Well, today we are recording from Shays Dillon today what a lovely time it is. I love being wedged between a fridge freezer and a fire extinguisher.
Speaker 2:It's nice, it happens more times than not it's cute, I like it.
Speaker 1:It's. It's nice. It smells fresher than I expected.
Speaker 2:Thank you for wiping up the jizz off the floor.
Speaker 1:I really appreciate that that'd be ridiculous. I just picked up the socks oh, you're such a space saver, so you um. So how's your week been, dylan? Since last last time we saw each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's been a busy week. I've been trying to get some business done.
Speaker 1:Busy, busy business.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so pretty busy.
Speaker 1:Okay well congratulations for your busyness. I, dylan, on the other hand, yeah well, how was your week, james? Well, my week, dylan. Specifically Sunday, me and my wife Ali decided that we were going to go out on a journey to a lovely place called love lakes. Now we've been there before, uh-huh in there. Done that, got the postcard right, so it's out. Done that, it's done that, done that.
Speaker 1:So we've been there before so we didn't expect any surprises, we didn't expect any troubles, okay, and we drove up there. Now it's a mainly like a stony like path off the road. So you get to the road and then it's like another 20 minutes on like a stony path and I thought that I'd gone the exact same way that we did before. Turns out, they went off road and immediately all the sand in the world arrived on the road and I was quite gung-ho with it and I went straight in and within about 10 to 15 seconds, uh, we were beached and that was it. Paul allen, the 4d co-sport, had stuck himself. I say stuff himself you stuck him into.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it was truly a no, it was a double kill, is what I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know where this one came from but, I've got a feeling it's gonna stay yeah, double kill.
Speaker 1:So, um, unfortunately, I double killed me and ali and I got us stuck in the sand. And then now you're thinking, well, how the fluff did you get your way out of that? So the first thing we did is went to google, as any self-respecting millennial would do that's better than going to chat gbt.
Speaker 2:So I mean we could have done.
Speaker 1:It would just basically google anyway, I guess. And we went to google and we got this man and this lovely man was basically specializes in getting dickheads out of the sand and he was like I'll be there in half an hour and it's going to be 400 dirhams, so, like you know, like a hundred dollars, which you know good money for just dragging some dickheads out of some sand. So I said, okay, come on then, feeling really silly and sorry for myself, fine, come join us, pull us out. Then this lovely pickup truck pulled up full of three gentlemen, and the three gentlemen they kind of stopped and they looked and they got out sheepishly and I could tell they didn't want to help but it being the very holy month of ramadan, you could tell that they felt duty bound, right so they were like 400 there yeah, well, no, these guys, these guys were not the rescue guys, these were just three gentlemen, okay sure
Speaker 1:off to the lovely lakes, I assume, to probably watch the sun set and and break that fast and have a lovely time. And for those who don't know, in in the holy month of ramadan, if you're a muslim, uh, as soon as the sun rises you don't drink water and you don't eat food until the sun sets, which is shit for every person involved. They will say so, but it brings them, you know, it makes them feel grateful and brings them holier. Yeah to god. So they did not want to do that. They didn't want to help us in their eyes, but because they were lovely and wonderful people, they felt duty-bound to to do so. So they did. They helped us push the car. The guy was like, by the way, I'm fasting. I was like I know you don't have to do this.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry for getting you this.
Speaker 1:So out of nowhere and I didn't even see this there was this like wire mesh with twigs entwined into it. Didn't even see it, it just popped out of nowhere. So thank you, the powers that be, and we kind of dug it under the wheel and gave it a push and then bam, we were out and rescued by these three beautiful men. So I want to say thank you. Didn't get their names, but I want to say thank you to these three beautiful, wonderful men and I hope they have a wonderful holy month of Ramadan. And it really shows how lovely these human beings are and in your time of need they are, and in your time of need they're willing to help you. Uh, even though they are, they literally have had no water. It is in the desert, it's boiling hot and they now can't drink water for another five to six hours. So, um, thank you to them. That's the air horn of, uh, gratitude.
Speaker 2:So that basically double kill, it was the opposite of a double kill.
Speaker 1:So that was the unfortunate, but we felt gratitude. After that we turned around, we fucked off, we stuck on the road and we went to a pub instead the British way, yeah.
Speaker 3:When in doubt.
Speaker 1:So did you have any other dramas like that? Did you get stuck in any sand? Did you make yourself look like a dickhead, like I did?
Speaker 2:No, James, that's my default setting.
Speaker 1:That is true.
Speaker 2:That is so. That's my default setting. That is true, no, but I'm trying to think, no, nothing interesting happened. I haven't been too many places, a bit of a work week, but I venture out doing anything else. No, I wish I was more interesting.
Speaker 1:That's what I want to say that's why we have that air horn on the board. So okay then, dylan, so for this one, we we're going to find a place on the what three words map and find ourselves somewhere where we would have our last beer. Right, so, not, like you know, we're terminally ill and this is our last beer ever. It's just. This is like, let's say, all beer has run out in the world, all beer has gone. There's a, there's a, there's a dictator has come into power. Um, they, you know they've taken over the biggest economy in the world and they've decided shit against our will, but everyone seems to follow it anyway, because that's just the world that we were apparently in at this time, and they say no more beer, so this is the last beer, and you want to make it count.
Speaker 1:Right, you want to. We know that that crisp, lovely amber nectar going down our throat really means a lot to us. So where would you have this final beer?
Speaker 2:and why, james, difficult question to answer. I really kind of wrestled with myself for this one because I wonder what you're doing on the floor just rolling around when I have my'm going to have my last beer. I'm going to take away my beer, Dylan. It's just the scenario. It's just make the leap.
Speaker 1:Get it, take away my beer. Get it, take away a beer. So where? What were you thinking?
Speaker 2:So you wrestled, you toiled yeah wrestled, toiled and I was thinking, ah, shit, maybe it should be something like having a Heineken draft in Amsterdam or is it going to be like a pint of Guinness in Scotland?
Speaker 1:Is it Scotland In Dublin, in Ireland, dublin, ireland? Sorry, okay, that's actually a good point.
Speaker 2:Wrong cultic region. But I thought, yeah, maybe do something like that. But you thought, fuck that, no, because I know where we normally end up, or at least where I normally ended up back home. So yes, unfortunately I'm boring like that. I went back home to south africa because it's one of those places where you know you've got that one friend who, whose house you kind of always end back at, or like someone's mom's house, because growing up that's where you always ended up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there was. There was one guy whose um whose parents were slightly more neglectful than all other parents yeah, in a good way.
Speaker 1:We're grateful for them but, probably not for that child's ultimate well-being. Um, but they were just a little bit more. You know they have the mentality of look, if they drink here, we know they're here. Yeah so are they neglectful, are they not? I don't know, I don't know. I'd spent most of my time in parks and sand dunes, drinking uh and falling asleep when it's like you know five five, so you know so okay, so you've gone to no, I have not got.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've gone. I have not gone to someone's house.
Speaker 1:It's actually not at all what I was going to say, but no, no, no what I wanted to say, that was just you just went down the wrong path and you just went Double kill.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, we went, ended up at the Panorama Driving Range Now yeah, wow, you said that again like that Panorama Driving Range. Double kill, double kill. Nice, that sounds good. I want to go there. It's literally just a pub 300 meters from my childhood home and uh, yeah, it was convenient. Obviously I like playing golf, so, yeah, it was normally the place, despite the service being utterly shit and it may be not even, oh, listen, you, you can order the beer yourself, and it would still take 10 minutes, 15 minutes to deliver the beer.
Speaker 2:So, and it would still take 10 minutes, 15 minutes to deliver the beer.
Speaker 1:So was it particularly busy in this place? No, it was just shit service.
Speaker 2:However, convenience of it being that close and it's the easiest choice, you know, when you kind of get to talking like, okay, where are we going this time? And that was kind of just the go-to place because it was kind of central to everybody's kind of surrounding area and it was easier just to say, oh, fuck it, let's just, let's just start over there, plan something for the weekend and, um, then we'll go from there and then, ironically enough, we'll go somewhere and end up back there. So what I'm trying to get to, james is what I'm trying to get to is, even if I knew the government was closing alcohol sales, right, and I'm trying to think of the best place to go, I'll probably just end up back at the driving range you do stick to what you know.
Speaker 1:Right, because it has it has personal memories. Now, did you think about what the beer would be? Because I've just thought this, right, I didn't even consider what the drink would be, and I think further onto this. Maybe we should put together a three-word story top five beers that we go by, that we swear by. Okay, that's fair, because go by that we swear by. Okay. Okay, because with there's multiple things we can take into account here. There are situational beers, like you have this beer in this place. That's to take into account. You have pure taste. Then you have a price point maybe, or something special, or there was a specific time where this specific beer was work. Yeah, the best, okay. So do you have a favorite off the top of your head if you were going to go?
Speaker 2:that's my favorite, that's what I want I know what I know black label calling, black label calling black label. Yeah, you don't find them out here.
Speaker 1:No, I don't. I don't think, because calling back in the uk for us is is around the same areas where stellar is back home, where it's usually you drink it whilst wearing a vest and beating your spouse, because that is just genuinely what is involved with those kind of people who drink that, which is bizarre, because here I love drinking, stella, I love it, like it's just the perfect round glasses that they have here. It's like, yes, stella, I go back home and you drink Stella, Stella.
Speaker 2:I punch her in the face immediately.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just can't help it. And then she takes a sip and she punches me back. It's equality at the end of the kill, Double kill. So you know, and that is just. That is just Stella there.
Speaker 2:If I was in the UK I would not even put Stella in the top 10 because it's just too by it, but here, stella, for me is delicious, like I know exactly what it is, and uh, oh shit, and thus I order it and you have no, no. So yeah, it's, it's something. It's similar tasting to stella, ironically enough, and it costs you. Uh, it costs you a pound, okay. So the cost as well is cost taste, and yeah, in all honesty, it's something that I like, it's something that I've had for years now.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it's weird, because that's the same criteria as how you choose prostitutes as well. So that makes total sense. Okay, so we have right, carling, black Label I can't judge by. Yeah, stella for me goes up there only if it is in the.
Speaker 1:Stella round glass with the stem that is quite nice, we went somewhere the other day asked for stella and they brought it over in a heineken glass and obviously I was very polite and I drank it like a little bitch I am, but in my mind I was like this is not, this is not going to be the same, and it wasn't wasn't the same, it didn't, didn't it hit right, I didn't cradle it in my hand, uh, like a small frappage egg you know, I'm really appreciating and holding it.
Speaker 1:So you know, fuck it. Sorry, we got two beers. Is there any other ones? Because heineken for me. Nah, ain't doing it for me. The name is for you, it just seems I don't know if it's because it's everywhere, like you, can you look under a rock? There's a heineken you go to this bar. It's a heineken you go to that bar. I don't know if it's like oversaturated, that it just doesn't. It doesn't hit the same. You know, uh, there was for me beer moretti. Uh, you know, the same kind of similar kind of glass hits, hits right, estrella. You know spanish beer in spain, anywhere else not so much. Yeah, I guess beer has a situational side to it. You know, and maybe the has not been tapped into before.
Speaker 2:Like, here I will drink this beer, there I will drink that beer no, I'm, I'm just a creature of habit and I stick to what I know. So, yeah, if there's a stellar, I'll order a stellar by default. If there's a black label, or rather order a black label, um, if you go into the nitty-gritty of no, what about device? What about the ipa? What about this and that? No, not interested in that conversation. No, we're not having that conversation.
Speaker 1:I don't want to like. It's just it tastes good, though I don't like a heavy beer. I don't like a heavy, like deep brown beer. Um, I think because obviously when you start drinking beer it tastes like shit. Right when you're a little kid and you're like, why is everyone drinking this? For, yeah, this is stupid, I don't want to drink this and I don't want to even try and drink this. And then a couple of years you're obviously hooked and addicted. And then you have a podcast and you're rating which beers you prefer. So I guess at some point in our life those beers won't hit enough and we need to go darker and harder. I guess it's kind of the same journey from smoking your first joint to shooting up heroin. I'm sure it's like the beer equivalent.
Speaker 2:What you would assume to be, unless you've actually been.
Speaker 1:No track marks zero track marks there's no track marks, I will not touch the horse track marks.
Speaker 2:There's no track marks, I will not touch the horse. Thank you very much. I nearly I was like why the fuck are you showing that way? And I forgot you also have a camera yeah, I am recording.
Speaker 1:I wasn't just showing my armpit to your tv, for so? No, that's the camera that I installed just before you moved in. Um. So, dylan, what three words did this? Lovely shooting range, not shooting range. Golf, golf, golf, range, golf range.
Speaker 2:Uh, I know you like a good debate. I love a good debate. Yeah, cartoons, which you also like.
Speaker 3:I do love those things Wow.
Speaker 2:And, uh, you totally like debating and cartoons, so the last one's totally.
Speaker 1:And is that your story? You've just related it to me and and double kill. Yeah, james, so speak about yourself for the next 20 minutes. Go I shall. Let's debate some cartoons. So the simpsons? I'm joking, dylan. No, but we will. We, oh fucking good, right, cool. So tell us my last beer, and why? For this? Like you, I'm going back to a place now. This is not a place that I have frequented.
Speaker 1:This is a place where I have been only twice in my life, dylan only twice I take you to the french alps and I take you to a lovely town called les ush meaning uh les ush it means it's um, so it actually translates to a hoot, and it's where they have endangered owls or they're now endangered because obviously humans fuck it up. So it's actually a hoot and it is the town of a hoot because there's lots of owls, owls. Okay, probably, probably allegedly, allegedly.
Speaker 1:I like it yeah I'm taking you there, d Dylan, because this is. I went back into my early 20s and now I'm going to be, you know, a bit self-cultivitous and talk about how cool I was when I used to mountaineer. That's why we're here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why we're here.
Speaker 1:20 minutes, 18 minutes left so this is when we me and my, my gaggle of friends. So it was my fuck, you never had a gaggle you might have had a fucking chuckle. This is a gaggle. I say friends, this was me and my friend and some, uh some adult men who decided to take us as with us and not in that way.
Speaker 3:No, I get it. It's kind of that's a gaggle. Yeah, that's a gaggle, it's officially a gaggle, it's not that kind of gaggle.
Speaker 1:So we go and we decide so we're gonna go climb mont blanc uh, the the highest peak in western europe, and we're. So we're going to go climb Mont Blanc, the highest peak in Western Europe, and we're going to do it the manly way. We ain't going to just go dump our stuff at the bottom, take a load of ski lifts to a couple of huts and just go the easy way. No, no, no, no. We're going to walk from the very bottom in Chamonix and we are going to walk our way to a first campsite. There we'll put our stuff and we are going to walk the entire way. And we did right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so on the way up we stop at this lovely chalet and we set up our tents and we leave our stuff there and we sleep overnight and don't think much of it okay, don't really look around the scenery because we're dumping our stuff and we need to go, and we're going to go, stay in another hut and then we're going to climb up another one and go. And we did that. So we leave our stuff there, we go, we spend one night in one hut and then we go up and spend another night in another hut and then we make the wonderful ascent and then we ascend down in one day. Now, okay, that was a slight mistake, because it was a bit rocky going up, as in the second night we didn't really sleep because they gave away our beds and we had to sleep in the boot room, which was fucking freezing cold, so didn't really sleep. So we woke up at the crack of dawn, um, and walked all the way up, uh, in very, very cold temperatures, with little sleep, and got there.
Speaker 1:But we got there, half of us got there I was one of the half and got to the very peak. It was fantastic. And on the way down we were like, right, let's get down in one day, so just down down, down down. Now, one of the main issues was, uh, I didn't realize, doing that on your feet, doing that.
Speaker 1:Well, I actually did it on my ass for a while, um, oh yeah, so it was kind of like a sliding down, yeah by myself, with no one around me, and I didn't really know what a crevasse was at that time, which is a hole in the in the snow, so I could have plummeted down and died. I am here, so I didn't, so that is fine, um, but anyway. So go all the way down and and my face is kind of blistered from the nose downwards, because no one told me that you had to put sun cream up when you are closer to the sun. But it's cold. You just don't think of these things, right, I would have probably done yeah, so I'm feeling in like a bit of a bad mood.
Speaker 1:My face hurts and we climb down this rocky sod and then we it's. The sun is setting, it is dark, so we follow this train track. There's a tram that goes kind of part of the way up and we're following it down and it's like hour after hour after hour. I feel like crying because I know I'm fucking in the middle of nowhere. I have no idea where ourite is. It's like two o'clock in the morning. My actual friend that I was with was already down, like he was one of the ones who unfortunately didn't make it. It went the next year.
Speaker 1:So I was like with these people I didn't really know that well and I was like I felt sick, my face hurt because it was like blistered and sunburned and I was just so fucking miserable that used to be sad horn so I just thought I'd press the button. It used to be sad horn, so we'll deal with laugh instead. Now 15, yeah, eventually, I think a half, two, three o'clock in the morning, we see the chalet. Oh my god, there's the tent. The absolute relief was palpable. Oh my god, thank god, climb into bed straight away like just gone, and then sun rises in the morning somebody sing to your way nearly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, that was like again. If that was on the soundboard, that's what I would have had. So I'm gonna partly be the soundboard. Sure, wake up, get out the tent and gloriously beautiful day. It is sensational. Now I'm going to paint the picture for you. There's a chalet, beautiful french alpine design chalet, uh like two, two up, two down kind of style, and in front of there is a couple of benches and in front of that is this little, it's a little fountain that looks like one of those kind of pumps uh, like we used to pump the woods, and it's just trickling out of there into a trough really gently. And when you sit on the, it's a little fountain that looks like one of those kind of pumps, like we used to pump the water, and it's just trickling out of there into a trough really gently. And when you sit on the bench and you're looking at this trough, you look down into this gorgeous valley. So you see the mountains turn into rolling green hills and you see smattering of chalets and you see a stream and trees.
Speaker 2:And it's truly picturesque.
Speaker 1:And then we sit down down and the lady comes over, and then she also pretends to speak french is what I asked for and I have this delicious, incredibly crisp ice, chilled coca-cola.
Speaker 1:Sipping this as I'm looking down this valley and then, all of a sudden, 10 to 12 people, french people, come from the village and they stand there and they have their books open and they softly sing some beautiful hymns in french. I mean, they could have been summoning cthulhu, for all I know, but they were just softly singing as, drinking this beautiful coca-cola, looking down this valley and I thought are you?
Speaker 2:sure you haven't died yet, though no, I was like, oh, I'm dead, yeah, no I've thought, oh shit, I've died and now this is heaven.
Speaker 1:Yeah, plot twist, I didn't. I didn't die, I just singed half of my face off and and burnt it heavily. But this was like heavenly, like this little, this little snippet, and I've spent probably an hour and a half on a what three words trying to find where this actual place was. And it became an obsession because I want to go there again one day.
Speaker 2:I want to know where heaven is.
Speaker 1:I want to have a beer there, because I didn't have a beer there. But if I was gonna have, I get you my last beer. Yeah, that's where I would be sitting, and in, let's say, a san miguel glass. Let's say san miguel, because these are the last good beers I've had in that glass, my hand cupped underneath it like a, like a soft bosom, and then just sipping that as I look into the valley, as I hear these beautiful hymns, and that's what I would have. Double kill.
Speaker 1:So I tried to get it exactly where that bench was. Yeah, and I found it, and that gives me the three words of hotline melts and Ah, literally A-A-R-G-H. Ah, that's interesting, I don't know't know. Right again, I don't know how you so, again, what three words? Is a map service that has teeny, tiny little squares on it so you could locate exactly the location that you are in. So it gives you three unique words. There's nowhere else in the world that will have these three words in this order. How do you get across to, let's say, the emergency service on the other line?
Speaker 2:So yeah, I'm at hotline melt. Excuse me, sir, can you repeat?
Speaker 3:that.
Speaker 2:Is that a, or is it like a, or is it like a?
Speaker 1:I'm at hotline melt. Or is it hotline melt? Or is it hotline melt?
Speaker 2:That was too much A, not enough h, okay, so how would you do it?
Speaker 1:it was a soft part and you're happy with that. Yeah, I'm happy with that, and especially especially okay. So this is in france, right, so you speak it. So is it the same? You know you're going oh, I don't know if the french haven't yeah you know it would be more of a, so it would be okay, so you're at hotline melt, or they'd be like no, no, no, hotline melts, and they'd be no, so it's oh, and then you're dead yeah, and then I assume that the bear is eating you or the wolves are telling you that's an interesting point, though right, because so I also typed in panorama driving range.
Speaker 2:but but those three words right. And it came up close to Christmas Island and that's why I asked you kind of off whilst we were not recording. I kind of asked, well, listen, is it? Kind of? So I thought, yeah, how fucking random would that be? And I was like, no, I'm not going to have my beer in fucking Point Nemo or close to.
Speaker 1:In Christmas Island with like no, I'm not gonna have my beer in fucking point nemo or close to in christmas with these fucking huge scary crabs. Go back, but anyway yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 2:It's funny how we can. It's actually usable, this app. It's not just to randomize three words for us to be able to talk shit for one yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the set, like you know.
Speaker 1:Maybe it's. The secondary use is the global positioning and helping people out. The first use is us talking shit. I would say, alright, so, dylan, right, we're gonna frickin, we're gonna gun rabbit carrot out very quickly. See who goes first one, two, three, go, boom, boom, you carotted my gun, and then I carrot yeah, you've gotten. You've gotten the end of my gun.
Speaker 2:Okay, so Dylan what do I do I? Gotta go first.
Speaker 3:You want to go first, yeah drop it down low with three word story all right.
Speaker 1:So I always say, let's begin at the beginning and you do say that you're very famous for saying that.
Speaker 2:It's very annoying actually when I try and get to the end of something um, all right, so we are basically debating cartoons. Fuck, yes, yes, I'm in. Yeah, so first I need to establish what cartoons you watched growing up. So, uh, I'm going to run through a quick list of them the classics, and then kind of the nineties and early two thousands the Y2Ks. Yeah, peak childhood nostalgia right there. And then some of the more modern ones, but I I actually don't. I don't know them because I got older.
Speaker 1:Well, that's good. That's good If you were still watching. I don't know Ben 10? The Ben 10 wasn't in my era. I don't know if it was in your era.
Speaker 2:It kind of touched. I still did the Ben 10, but the earlier versions. But just a quick one While we are on that kind of subject Adventure Time, fuck. Yes, yes. Yeah yeah, hell yeah, rick and Morty, rick and Morty, hell yeah. All right, now we let's let's kind of revert back to the classics, um, because we are going to debate some of these, uh, or at least try and answer some some some deeper questions, because one of my words are oh, it wasn't deep, even it was totally.
Speaker 1:It was totally, it was totally deep. Yeah, totally deep, totally deep.
Speaker 2:All right, tom and Jerry, yes, looney Tunes, scooby Doo, flintstones, jetsons, popeye, and we'll stop there. Now, the part that I actually the things that I really grew up watching was um Powerpuff Girls. Yeah, oh yeah, right, so Powerpuff Girls.
Speaker 1:So I would like. So it was on uh like cable television Powerpuff Girls, and I only had that at my grandparents house and I would spend most weekends at my grandparents house. But yeah so, and I was only kid. Only child sat in the front room by myself. Wake up in the morning, you know, watch a bit of wrestling and then stick cartoon network on and and powerpuff girls would come on right, but if I hear my grandparents coming down, the corridor.
Speaker 3:No, I'm not watching Powerpuff Girls.
Speaker 2:Sugar, spice and everything nice, though switch over. No, I'm watching. Top Gear instead Megas XLR. I'm watching wrestling.
Speaker 1:I'm watching oiled up, naked men wrestle each other instead of watching three girls kick ass and a freaking Japanese monkey. Oh, that's funny. So, yeah, I don't know what I was hiding from myself. Well, I was fat and had a lisp at the time, so everyone was you.
Speaker 2:You didn't want anyone to pile on especially not your grandparents.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what exactly are we debating here?
Speaker 2:all right. So uh, no, I first wanted to confirm if we we knew some of these right, considering you do, because I wasn't sure if cartoon network like if you actually watch cartoon network if it was more american based than it.
Speaker 1:Necessarily we had it as long as you had cable tv, so I didn't have it every day um of my life, but I had it on weekends around my grandparents house. So these ones I did know, I did know them fondly.
Speaker 2:So let me let me start off. Just a couple of questions more so pose towards you, and you can kind of go down tangents like you normally do. Um start with tom and jerry, right? Yeah, tom and jerry, I love you love, love so violent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, look, the older I get, the more I feel for tom I. He wasn't a bad guy, right he was. He was kind of like a cobra kai. Uh, fill me in, not not aware of that reference.
Speaker 2:Well, uh, like the netflix show, like the karate kid, and then johnny yeah, right, yeah, yeah, never watched it.
Speaker 1:Never watched karate kid, not even karate kid. No, I'm out of the loop on that one.
Speaker 2:Oh, shit, shit. So, okay, well, let me let me quickly, quickly, try and do. There's basically one party, another party, but daniel san the hero, the Mr Miyagi kind of side of things, they were made out to be the heroes. However, it's not like the other party was a bad party, it was just. That was the situation they were in and for a certain set of reasons, they had to act a certain way or kind of. So, the situation necessitates it. So yeah, so please go on.
Speaker 1:I'm curious to know what tom it's all right, tom, he's a house cat, right? Yeah, he doesn't really get much freedom in life. And then we see, you know, his, his owner, his mother, every now and then you see the bottom of their legs and and they're pretty pissed usually pretty pissed off at tom, right, yeah, and as far as I'm aware, the owners don't really want a mouse in the area. That's maybe sometimes why you got a cat back in the day. Yet this cat always just gets shit from this mouse. It's his house, he lives there, he lives there and he has been given permission to live there by the owners. This little prick, jerry, right, he's living in the walls, he's vandalizing the house.
Speaker 2:He can literally go anywhere else, like he's a mouse. He doesn't. He doesn't have to stay in that house tormenting tom, or does?
Speaker 1:he exactly. Well, I'm thinking he does, I'm thinking like. He vandalizes the, the skirting boards, makes it a home for himself, can bury around everywhere. Poor little tom, you know he's good, he's. He's left with the aftermath of this chase, usually involving overly sized uh, mousetraps, mallets, fire, and then the owners come back and be like Tom, you dickhead, you fucking dickhead. You were meant to do one thing look after us and protect the mouse from a mouse, and then you'll get hit with a pan, you'll get chucked outside, and at the time we're meant to be rooting for this little prick mouse who can be wherever he wants to little prick mouse, who can be wherever he wants to yeah, just because he was funny, just because he had a little smiley, little fucking grin.
Speaker 1:He's basically that kid at school, right, the naughty kid who was a cheeky chappy. He would smile his face all the girls fancy, because he was just a bit out there. A normal guy, normal tom, who's just freaking, trying to, you know, work with the system, play by the rules, get shit on by society. And that's my opinion on that, that's my thought on him. The more I reflect on this, the more I see how the real world goes. I think I side on Tom Double kill.
Speaker 2:Boom. Well then, we'll end it right there. Johnny Bravo, johnny Bravo. What a weirdo. What a weirdo Confidence or delusion.
Speaker 1:Absolute delusion. He um absolute delusion.
Speaker 2:He hangs around with children. If I remember correctly he has. He hangs around the child that's, uh, you know, not a child, but yeah, kind of he tries, yeah, I kind of guess.
Speaker 1:So he's hanging around with children trying to um hit on women constantly, yeah like what is what we now call a misogynist. You know, I don't think, I don't know if it was truly invented back then, back in the before andrew tay, tate People not using the word Exactly. I mean the good thing is he's a failed misogynist like Andrew Tate, so I guess it kind of tracks there. But we love him because he's, you know. Thank you very much.
Speaker 2:Why is he Elvis? Hang on a minute. Why is he Elvis? He is Elvis Blonde hair.
Speaker 1:Blonde hair Elvis.
Speaker 2:Blonde hair, blonde hair albus, and he's like oh my, my good friend is a child, I'm gonna hang around with this child as I try and have sex with women all the time for some reason, and now, unfortunately, people have to hear this live on air, but I remember him playing it cool around kids. I'm not sure if he was he actually had some character that was a kid that was around him the whole time, but I know, yeah, the pursuit why was the?
Speaker 1:lady attention those things should not be involved in in with kids around right, like it should be a separate, a separate thing.
Speaker 2:Um, and you know, very small legs, if I remember, huge upper body for some reason huge upper body, smaller legs yeah, and in comparison um so past, yeah, but then yet again, also, you look at that and he'll probably do alright on the shorter term, like if he had to have Tinder today, I'm pretty sure he would.
Speaker 1:You think Johnny Bravo if he had Tinder today? You're going out on record now that you think Johnny Bravo big upper body, hair quiffed up quite aggressively, sunglasses indoors, you think he's pulling women? Yes, that's what I think about that. Yeah, that's what I think about that. There is no chance. There is no chance. Right, he would fit into the Andrew Tate category. He'd probably go, he'd probably get on like you know, freaking TikTok or whatever now, and he would turn dark. You know, like back then in the 90s and 2000s, everyone's having a good time, everyone's having a laugh. You know, everyone's having a good time. Yeah, everyone's so angry now, everyone's so, and he would just be like, you know, talk to women like piece of shit. You know, be misogynistic, women, do what they want, and then I think that's where johnny bravo would go. And I ain't subscribing to that, dylan, and I don't think he.
Speaker 2:I think you pretend to do well with women, but I think yeah, and I think in turn also that's what would make women think he's doing well, and thus they might just think, yeah, let's, let's give him a shot, maybe on the shorter term okay yeah, very short term.
Speaker 1:And then the human person. You'd be super desperate and they'd be like why are these kids everywhere?
Speaker 2:why are you bringing children to try and help me. That's not what I'm into. And then, if you, find out epstein island. He's out of here next one scooby-doo, scoobith, doobith, doobith, um um. Look, you can kind of give the uh, your just of it, but I think we know where this one is going, james I agree.
Speaker 1:So I know this might be an obvious tract of conversation, but let me tell you about one of the greatest parody pornos ever made in the history of pornography. Okay, now I'm not going to get too graphic about it, but this, this, this was a porno. In the case of the, it was. I kind of watched it all the way to the end, uh, and enjoyed the story enjoyed the.
Speaker 2:It's just for research. It was, it was, it was. You know, it was a clicking around a girl.
Speaker 1:oh, this looks zany, and this is me turning my laptop just just search. But the casting Dylan was phenomenal. I truly believe that I was watching Fred in Velma and Velma in Daphne, and with a bit of Shaggy on top, I will go on record and say there was no Scooby-Doo.
Speaker 3:There was no Scooby-Doo. It wasn't that kind yeah.
Speaker 1:He was just out in the yard watching.
Speaker 3:Reggie, what are you doing? Old school? Go and lick the peanut butter there's um.
Speaker 2:Okay, so basic question Daphne or Velma?
Speaker 1:uh, velma, because you know like how in. Scooby Doo. The movie the um the live action one of the best films ever made. You know how she's like doby-doo. The movie the um, the the live action one of the best films ever made. You know how she's like dorky at the beginning and then something happens to do with the uh, the evilness that turns her into sexy velma, where she's wearing tight clothes all of a sudden. That's very sexy.
Speaker 1:That's the second one, yeah, yeah no, the first one on the island the first one on the yeah she goes like and then all of a sudden she's sexy Velma. She starts at dorky Velma and then she's sexy Velma and she's very much naturally sexy Velma in the.
Speaker 2:In the dorky kind of way In the porno, in the actual porno, so these all relate to each other. So on Spooky Island, on Spooky Island.
Speaker 1:Look, we'll watch it apartment will sit together on your weirdly uncomfortable sofa next to each other, and we'll watch.
Speaker 3:We'll watch scooby-doo number one, which is. It is one of the best.
Speaker 2:It is one of them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, spoiler alert, spoiler alert, it really is scrappy do ends up being the bad guy, which again is a great point, rowan adkinson, though. What the fuck were they thinking in the cartoon when they bought scrappy do into it? Who thought? You know what? This is missing complete irritation. We need the shortest little dickhead to. You know, the bad guys in the cartoon aren't enough. We need a consistently irritating short ass.
Speaker 2:Pain in the ass to ruin the cartoon yeah To to to be there for no apparent reason. It's like paprika in food. I feel like that's the title.
Speaker 1:Scrappy do is paprika. Well, I I like every single time it'd come on to boomerang. It would be on scooby dooby, do 100 that's.
Speaker 2:That's the two that I switched to. It was three 303 and 302 and 30.
Speaker 1:I think was when the Disney channel came out, and that's kind of where I sit well away from Disney channel I think I already knew there was weird shit going on there and as soon as Scooby-Doo would come on and then you'd hear uncle Scooby bam straight off that done Get fucked, scrappy, do get fucked. But he didn't actually on the porno parody, it was only humans, only humans involved. They caught the bad guy and naturally they all had an orgy at the end. It was fantastic. Well, directed to whoever that was. Shout out to whoever that was.
Speaker 2:Okay, so that was. I think we've covered Scooby-Doo pretty comprehensively. I do think so, actually, yeah yeah. Okay, we might touch on, by the way, this moustache on, it goes down. Yeah, yeah, it's actually somebody else.
Speaker 1:I can't help it I can't I put this mustache on. I just cannot stop talking about the high inversions of pornography.
Speaker 2:Listen but honestly it suits you. I don't know if it's the whole new fresh cut. Yeah, I think it's the shirt the floor.
Speaker 1:Shirt the fresh cut it just works.
Speaker 2:It does work, it does work.
Speaker 1:We'll keep all this camera set up and we'll uh, we'll see what we can figure out um ed, ed and eddie ring any bells ed and eddie. Now, I loved ed and eddie, but I can't really remember why. Now the things I remember edited any edited.
Speaker 2:Well, it's, it's. There's a lot of oh, that sounds terrible. There's a lot of d's in all these eddies yeah, well, now we've got our next porno parody there's a lot of d's.
Speaker 1:There was a yeah and there's a lot of d's and I remember plank yes, jimmy's jimmy's jimmy's I can't really remember what ed ed ed didn't.
Speaker 2:He was no, that wasn't jimmy's friend, it was fucking the other weird guy's name who had a friend for plank, a plank for a friend friend for a plant, plant for a friend.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, I can't really remember what the gist was.
Speaker 2:I don't know if they were all like, um, mentally ill or like I don't really come up with the all the the shtick was for them to trying to get jawbreakers really jawbreakers, yeah yeah, but the jawbreakers are actual jawbreakers and they were massively large, and I'm still referring to jawbreakers yeah, but this adds to the porno scripts, by the way yeah, then they basically scheme and try and come up with these different plans, trying to secure some of these jawbreakers, and everybody always seemed to have some um, except except ed, ed and eddie okay, great, this is going to work great with the porno.
Speaker 1:So these like I'm not really into, but you know there's a market for it so these three guys are looking for in quotations, jawbreakers, um, and you know, we could just have a huge like seven foot six dude and just call him plank well listen, each, each one of these kind of you could probably go into some deeper questions that might be themes for.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's say, johnny Bravo, yeah, confidence to lose Tom and Jerry? A toxic relationship if you will Very much so yeah, Scooby-Doo, just a porno.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just gangbang.
Speaker 2:Ed and Eddie is first traces of the rat race. I thought yeah yeah okay, kind of like people scheming, trying to get the money, trying to get things that they think they want and, in all honesty, with me watching all those episodes, I can't actually remember if I actually got the jawbreakers in there.
Speaker 1:That's what makes you come in on week by week. It's what you know you're like are they going to get the jawbreaker? And I said but I cannot remember that, I cannot remember. I can't remember them chasing jawbreak. That seems like such a fucking it's a girl.
Speaker 2:Who ever?
Speaker 1:wants them okay, right so yeah, we can.
Speaker 2:We can kind of uh recess, but this was more I think on maybe disney disney, I think it was yeah, and I wasn't really okay I wasn't really all over that. Remember they had like that randall kid that you know every school had a randall, but but that's kind of what I was getting at is like a schoolyard which is kind of like a blueprint of where I guess you you how you'd navigate real life school honestly, because every, every school had some kind of bully, some king, I guess, there was always a fucking rat or there was always a new kid on the block or there.
Speaker 2:So yeah, they kind of played to that. So yeah, I figured it was, it was. It was interesting to watch how they they kind of summed it up and, yeah, a TJ, he was kind of the main character or his group of friends. Okay, um, and did you?
Speaker 1:where would you like, if again, I'm not really, I'm not really, I'm not really up to you know he's a scratch with us, yeah. Who would you say you're most like out of all the characters in it?
Speaker 2:Oh, definitely Gretchen the overachiever, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, Say that with a straight face. I mean, is there any that like eat sand or throw blunt knives at logs or anything like that? There's any?
Speaker 2:characters. Yeah, yeah, so it was butter. Knives that are blunt it's not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it wasn't.
Speaker 2:Blunt knives, don't just but no, um again you.
Speaker 1:You'd think you'll always be the cool guy, which I probably wasn't, but I thought I had enough street smarts to get to where I mean the fact that you just said you think you had enough street smarts instantly puts you at the bottom of pile of of cool people, because there's no cool people going, just I think it just doesn't happen.
Speaker 1:Well, that's a terrible accent, though, but yeah, okay, well, I was I was actually trying not to do the south african, because usually then I just go on a massive tirade of uh doing something other yeah, that's fair yeah well, thanks for that, you're very welcome.
Speaker 2:Um, all, right, then we'll skip recess. Uh, courage the cowardly dog. Courage the cowardly dog.
Speaker 1:What a fucking trip of a show I think that has defined my personality much more than I would like you know of just complete, fucking deranged weirdness saying things and doing things when you should and how you shouldn't, being socially inept. In a lot of ways, it's probably down to courage. The cowardly dog. What is going on? What is it? What is going on? What is it? What is going on at any one time? What is the lesson? What is the lesson of?
Speaker 2:that show. Well, like literally just the name itself. I guess you could take probably some form of lesson out there. But yeah, the fact that it was all these weird ghosts and creatures, a pink dog.
Speaker 1:That's the soundboard.
Speaker 2:A pink dog. That's the soundboard. A pink dog. And then, um, yeah to to older people that are neglectful. I don't even have eyes. Yeah, so, but why?
Speaker 1:is he so, the cowardly dog who, in that situation, other than these dementia ridden old people that don't know what the fuck's going on and a very aggressive old man that, just you know, shouts and beats courage, who would react differently in that setting? Where you go outside the world, as you know, it has disappeared.
Speaker 1:And there's just this massive tentacle monster outside. Who's not going to go as he does and run back in and then go to your owner and go and point outside and go. Stupid dog, exactly, you know you're gonna. I don't know if courage the cowardly dog, it's just courage the freaking gas lit dog, because he's constantly going up to these people being like there's danger outside and they're like there isn't, and then all of a sudden they're possessed by some kind of demon and now he's being chased around the house.
Speaker 2:Solve the, solve the cartoon. Courage, courage, just leave.
Speaker 1:Just leave.
Speaker 2:Anyone being gaslit out there, anyone being?
Speaker 1:gaslit out there. When you know that there's something wrong and you're being consistently told that there isn't by a person who keeps turning into a monster or keeps getting taken over by a demon, then leave. Then you need to leave. Okay, don't do what courage the cowdy dog did and stay and maintain the abuse that he has to. But other than that fucking great cartoon, what a mental trip that was like. How do you get into hi carty network? Here is our pitch for a cartoon dog, small and pink gappy teeth. Can't speak't speak English. Okay, I got you. Old man, very angry, very aggressive, probably got dementia.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like this. Okay, yeah, keep on going.
Speaker 1:Next I got old lady, very sweet, but completely oblivious to everything that's going along. Right, you get that. Eyes, eyes. I'm going to go. No eyes, no Glasses, though I'm going to go.
Speaker 3:no eyes Glasses, though.
Speaker 1:I'm going to give her glasses but no eyes. Okay, so we're going to assume that her vision is limited or nothing at all. Right, we're going to take these three. Right, we're going to put them in a cabin, you with me In the woods? No, I'm not going to put them in the. What the fuck's going to go on? Well, let me tell you Take this tab of acid quickly. Just put this bit of acid in your mouth. Just put it in there. Let it work around your mouth a bit. What do you see? What do you see? You see that acid working around your system, coursing through your veins.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know, kid, I see, see squid.
Speaker 1:yep, floating squid, floating squid okay, yeah, cool, yeah, we're gonna have that yeah, and then I think, I think I I'm changing accents it's the acid. It will do that to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the acid will. Yeah, we're gonna have squid, yeah, and a toilet monster and a toilet monster.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're gonna. That's episode three. Actually we've got toilet monster. That is the pitch to courage. The cowdy dog and and someone went after snoring. The crack that they were snorting went, yeah go for it man, and then they put it on tv.
Speaker 2:Yeah, look 100 fair, like it's. It's a bizarre. But then also things like what was that other one? Uh was not. Or cat dog or cat dog cat dog. Cat dog, or what was that?
Speaker 1:cow and chicken cow and chicken was mental that was probably the weirdest, yeah like, why see red? And stimpy was like that little demon guy, yeah, and then stimpy was like a scrawny little creature and it was the cartoon where they would like they would draw really detailed, disgusting pictures of their faces up close, where they're like dripping with pus and sweat and mucus, and it was the most disgusting thing. And there you're, there is a kid going, that's good, I love it.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's that. Oh shit, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, okay. Well, you know what? Yeah it's, it's pretty trippy shit out there, the fact that it's cartoons, and I think back then people just thought, oh well, it's cartoons, it doesn't like, doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 1:Where did they go? What happened one day? They were like, okay, the uh, the ceo's just been replaced, um, he's retired. And then the new one walked in and he was like why is there crack pipes everywhere? Why is there psychedelic drawings all of? Why is it glow in the dark in here? What the fuck are we doing? And all of a sudden they just toned it down to ben 10.
Speaker 2:I don't, I don't know, I don't know what happened yeah, well, either way, in a nutshell, I don't want to keep you too long um run a quick fire. Let's do that, okay, 10 seconds, yeah, 10 seconds of you waiting for it.
Speaker 1:Okay, and then we're going to do 10 seconds of it.
Speaker 3:Double, kill it another five times. Double kill, double kill, double kill, double kill, double kill.
Speaker 2:Right Got it. So Popeye familiar.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right, if Popeye had a superpower, what would it be?
Speaker 1:The ability to grip anything harder than anyone else can in the world, because his forearms are just busting full of either muscle or tumors, who knows?
Speaker 2:Would Tom ever go to therapy?
Speaker 3:Tom, the cat Tom.
Speaker 2:Would he ever go to therapy? No, I think he's too down a hole.
Speaker 1:I think that poor kitten is just. He doesn't know where he's coming or going. I don't think he will. I think what he will do is probably settle down. One day he'll have kids and then he'll push all that anger on the kids, and the cycle continues.
Speaker 2:If Ed and Eddie considering they're always scheming had linkedin profiles, uh, what would their titles be?
Speaker 1:what would their titles be? Um, entrepreneurs is what they would call, and maybe that's so general, yeah eddie, eddie or something like that, and they would. They would post things along the line of um, you know, business is a lot like a jawbreaker, okay you, you have your jawbreaker. And the thing is, if you want to tackle a jawbreaker, okay you, you have your jawbreaker. And the thing is, if you want to tackle a jawbreaker, you're not going to get it on the first lick. No, okay, you need.
Speaker 1:You need cohesion consistency you need good recruitment, you need a good hr system to lick that, that jawbreaker, you know, and the success is in the middle of the ball. We need a team and we need cycle to get to the bottom of that ball, you know, and that's basically how they would probably link everything to. So there'll be like oil prices have gone up.
Speaker 1:Well, the thing is, with oil prices, it's just like licking the jawbreaker Once you keep on licking it down, and down, you know they'll eventually go down again, because that is just laissez-faire kind of way of doing economics, you know, just like a jawbreaker, just like a jawbreaker, last one, just like a jawbreaker, you know, last one.
Speaker 2:if scooby-doo didn't have a career at solving mysteries not that I think he's that great at it anyway is what would he do? What would he? What would he do?
Speaker 1:direct. Obviously that's an easy one. He would direct porn, he'd get all his friends in there and he would just, you know, call the bad guys. The bad guys are, you know, they never committed two heinous crimes. These bad guys to really be locked away for too long. So they're going to probably spend five years max in prison. They're going to get out and they're going to be down on their luck, right, yes, okay, they maybe haunted an old factory because they didn't want a new roller coaster park to be freaking built on it. That's not really the most heinous crime. So I'm thinking, if the mysteries dry up, you know, people move on, technology moves on. I'm thinking, scooby-doo gets behind the camera and and he gets these guys positioned and he's a talking dog for exactly I mean like he's gonna be able to sell it to you.
Speaker 2:You know, like they were ragging each other, and then raggy ragged relma, and then relma ragged rafni, and then rafni ragged red.
Speaker 1:You know and you are going to buy those DVDs and VHSs.
Speaker 2:And VHSs. I thought he was just going to kind of what do they call them Like a guide dog? I thought that I thought the fact that he could talk at least like the person walking the dog.
Speaker 1:He's going to guide them into this room. He's going to rip on your mouth.
Speaker 2:And and walking the dog, who would at least have more company. He's going to guide them into this room, he's going to rip open your mouth and on that note. Yeah, that's everything I wanted to know, james.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, oh no, I haven't got claws anymore, yeah.
Speaker 3:Double kill. I like it. Drop a download with three words in the story right.
Speaker 1:So, dylan, yes, sir, I'm glad that we have debated hard and fast all of those shows. Now I've got an equal to and or greater than level of making it up on the spottery. So, as you know, I had hotline, hotline melts. What we're gonna do, dylan, you aren't the owner of a business now. I believe that you were the owner of a karate shop. No, oh yes, sir, and are we allowed to talk about this? There's no like mda about the, the, the karate shop that you sold. Are we allowed to discuss this openly?
Speaker 2:as far as I know, unless I am, I am open and free to discuss that until I'm not okay great.
Speaker 1:We'll see if this ever sees the light of day. So we're going to say you are back to being the owner of the famous karate shop, yes, okay, so naturally you're the manager, you're the go-to guy, right? You're the customer service dude of this one. Yeah, right. So you're going to be on the complaints hotline, right, right, when customers phone and they're gonna have a bit of a meltdown at you, right, right? You know, a bit of a bit frustrated, sure. So they're gonna phone you, all right, with some issues, uh-huh, and you're gonna have to think on your feet of how you're gonna react with these issues. You know, I would argue that I would probably have to think on my feet to think about what the issues actually are. Oh, but there's only one way to find out really. So you know, I would argue that I would probably have to think on my feet to think about what the issues actually are. Oh, but there's only one way to find out really. So you know, did you deal much with with customer service issues back in your day?
Speaker 2:yeah, I did, but I I figured I was going to use this tactic see if it actually works. Okay, all right. Okay, all right.
Speaker 1:So we've, we've got some experience. We've got some experience. So, um, so I'm I'm gonna phone in, okay, and phone in Okay, and I'm going to come at you with an issue and we'll see how you deal with it. Maybe we'll do a few of these. We're going to kind of try and go, mr Miyagi, and we're going to try, and you know, wash on, wash off Again. I haven't seen the film, but I hope these resonate with you, I think so right.
Speaker 2:so, dylan, you're in the shop?
Speaker 1:yeah, phone's next to you. Am I dialing someone? I don't know what's going on, I didn't know when. On this, like hang on, karate shop alone, hi, um, uh, is this the karate shop? Yeah, yeah, karate shop alone. Uh, hi, karate shop, hello, um, who am I speaking to, dylan? Oh yeah, usually that's something you would say when you pick up the phone. Um, you're not. No, not at all. Okay, uh, well, obviously this is not great start. Is it for for customer service? Well, um, let me tell you, mr dylan, the issue that I have. I bought a pair or a set or a gaggle, whatever you may call it of your nunchucks. Yes, sir, I was swinging them around merrily in my back garden and your nunchucks that I purchased from you hit my daughter square in the face and her face fell off. She now has no face. What are you going to do about it?
Speaker 2:No face, sir. She has no face.
Speaker 1:No face anymore, your nunchucks are faulty, because it hit my daughter in the face and her face fell off. She has no face. You, sir, owe me one child face. What are you going to do about it?
Speaker 2:Well, point number one, sir. I just wanted to confirm which set of nunchucks these are, because we have two sets. One is the wooden one. Actually, I have three sets. One is the wooden one, the other one is the kind of plastic one with the chain in the middle. The other one is just a plastic one with the rope. I'm assuming it was the wooden one.
Speaker 1:It was the woodchuck.
Speaker 2:5000 is what I bought from you chuck 5000, that is 4999 more times better. Yes, exactly that's what you told me.
Speaker 1:You said to me you said to me, sir, in that shop, when you demonstrated those nunchucks, that they were indeed 4,999 better than the original ones.
Speaker 2:I actually am aware of the purchase. However, the person on the sales floor that day was Jason.
Speaker 1:And where is this?
Speaker 2:Jason. Well, jason is currently on holiday, so I'm going to do my best to talk you through and see how I can help.
Speaker 1:Well, let me tell you yes, yes, I'm listening. My daughter currently has no face. She cannot eat, she cannot even blow her nose okay, so just another question she has no eyes. You know, the only potential that she has in life is maybe starring in a live action version of courage to carry the dog at some point. So please, dylan, tell me how I'm gonna get my daughter's face back.
Speaker 2:Listen, I do apologise for your daughter's face. However, this is what the Nunchuck 5000 is set out to do is to obliterate faces. So hold on. I just want to ask you wouldn't happen to have another daughter, do you? Let me check? Hang on.
Speaker 1:Marjorie, marjorie, marjorie, how many daughters?
Speaker 2:have we got okay, right, so I've got 10. So what can I do? Okay, so what I would suggest is, if we still, if you'd allow me, I would like to send you a free pair. However, it would be the plastic nunchuck set with the foam uh, foam exterior, okay, just to make things a bit easier, or at least a bit softer when that that blow does land whilst practicing with the nunchucks, so that this never happens again. Sorry, what was your daughter's name that now has no face? Felicity, um, yeah, listen, I I'd be happy to. I don't actually want to write a note because she has no eyes anymore she will not be able to read it or hear it.
Speaker 1:She's now just walking around. She keeps hitting into a tree.
Speaker 2:Felicity Bobaggins says she can't even hear me because her ears are gone as well in that case, I can only apologise and promise you the next time we will do better and all the best, with felicity I mean, I'm not sure.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure how much that we have. I mean, the guy's daughter still has no face. That is my. Only you better get. That is my only concern you know the, the faceless daughter, but I guess he has got. He has got nunchucks as well, so that's fair enough. Okay, right, okay, we got it. We got another call coming in. We've got another call. Yeah, yeah, really fucked up hello speaking to the karate shop.
Speaker 2:Uh, we, we, sir, this is the karate shop, uh this is dylan speaking.
Speaker 1:Mrs Dylan speaking. Bonjour, dylan, I have purchased from you a gun, a weapon, a gun, shooty, shooty, shooty gun and I went to assassinate a man and it did not work. It feels like rubber to me. Why did you sell me a fake gun? I have not been able to assassinate this man. What are you going to do about it?
Speaker 2:Well, sorry, sir, your name is Just before I Pierre Pierre, I didn't see that coming at all. It's either Pierre or Francois.
Speaker 1:It's Pierre Francois Le Pen. Now, what are you going to do about's Pierre Francois Le Pen? Now, what are you going to do about my rubber gun?
Speaker 2:Mr Le Pen, and I do not know why I said that in a French accent. Mr Le Pen, I sincerely apologize for you not actually being able to follow through.
Speaker 1:I can follow through. My anus works. I did not say that my anus did not work. I can follow through. Thank you very much.
Speaker 2:Not to go too deep into detail.
Speaker 1:I just want to confirm who was this. Who was this man that you were? He was a very important man. He needed to die immediately, but I will not name him here because he would probably launch me in a lot of trouble.
Speaker 2:I was going to say that, depending on who this man is, I can maybe give you a contact of mine's number, right, should I feel that your reasoning is just for wanting to kill the man. However, for now we deal with the situation at hand. Yes, sir, you are correct, it is a rubber gun. We do not sell the real ones. That's what my friend's number is for.
Speaker 1:Why would you sell it? You're a pointless fuck goon.
Speaker 2:It's pretty straightforward, so that people don't actually kill each other in training. So people like the Krav Maga specialists, people like the police, academies or even sometimes the military use these as props just for the sake of training, so that hopefully, if in case one day they do have the situation where they are met one on one with somebody, you are trying to tell me that you are training people to karate.
Speaker 1:Chop a gun out of someone's hand. That is very silly.
Speaker 2:Stupidly enough, yes, yes, it is definitely over there, out of someone's hand. That's very silly. Stupidly enough, yes, yes, it is definitely over there, and that's actually one of the things when I used to teach was yeah, you are. You are never faster than a bullet, so please assess the situation, but again, we supply and then you are the person that should decide whether it is worth using or not. Double kill.
Speaker 1:Merci. I look forward to hearing the number of this assassin. Merci beaucoup.
Speaker 2:Merci.
Speaker 1:Okay, so do you think you dealt with that one well, do you think you?
Speaker 2:No, probably not. No, no, no. My thing with angry customers is just get them to talk, right, have them feel heard. Is that, does that have them?
Speaker 1:have them, have them feel heard. Yeah sure, let's go for that right and get off the phone and get off the phone. Get off the phone.
Speaker 2:No, I'm being serious. Just let them speak. So apologize, make them feel heard, okay, and get them off the phone. Well, that's great advice.
Speaker 1:That's great, okay, oh, we've got another one coming through Karate shop alone. Hi, yes, am I speaking to the karate shop phone over there?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, this is.
Speaker 1:Hi, my name's Mr Phyllis and I'm just phoning Because I need your help. Mr Dillon, if you could help me. Indeed, you see, I'm looking for some geese. Do you sell some of these geese?
Speaker 2:Um Mr.
Speaker 1:Mr Phyllis, mr Phyllis, mr Phyllis.
Speaker 2:Mr Phyllis. Mr Phyllis, could you please repeat the last part of that Last sentence that you are looking for.
Speaker 1:I'm looking for I think they call them the geese. I think they look a little bit like dressing gown, if you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like something that you wear. That's what it is. That's understood the gays.
Speaker 1:Something like you'd wear to bed, but you fight your friends. You know what?
Speaker 2:I do apologize for the confusion. It's just normally when people phone. Actually, I can't go down that road.
Speaker 1:What do you mean when they're fighting for the geese?
Speaker 2:No, honestly, I thought you said the geese.
Speaker 1:I'm not looking for the geese.
Speaker 2:No, I'm looking for the geese. I'm looking for the geese.
Speaker 1:And I'm not talking about the little white birds with the orange fleas.
Speaker 2:I'm looking for what looks like a dressing gown.
Speaker 1:Can you?
Speaker 2:help me, sir. So I know this might seem like an obvious question, but would you mind me asking what you were looking to use the geese for?
Speaker 1:Now, here's the thing.
Speaker 2:The dressing gown? Is that mainly?
Speaker 3:the reason.
Speaker 1:No, not quite. I think you're fine is I was looking to find out if you had any used geese, any ones that have been extra sweated in. You know anyone that's been rolled around in any at all? Have you got any of those?
Speaker 2:mr dealer, I'm really not sure if that's going to see the light. Sorry to the new owner, who I still know. You know what that is actually our most popular department With the G.
Speaker 2:Or the used G department. No, so, mr Phyllis, yes, yes, we actually do. A lot of people, once they give up the sport of karate, which normally has a pretty long lifespan, they feel like they should give back to the community and for some reason they thought it would be a good idea to gift some of their older trained in Gi. So, yes, I do have a set of them. However, I won't ask any more reason as to why, but if you were looking for a new set, we've got those for you as lightweight, heavyweight. We've got competition ready, and then we've got bed ready.
Speaker 1:Oh well, bed ready sounds mighty fine. And what would a bed ready gi look like? Is it a bit like one of those kimonos and I'm not talking about a dragon?
Speaker 2:It certainly is. It's a polycotton blend, normally 6535. It's a twill material and, yes, the white. The white isn't that practical, that I've learned.
Speaker 3:Why? Why is that the one?
Speaker 2:practical. Well, I guess for what you might be using it for. I'm just assuming maybe the black twirl geese might not suit, whatever substance follows.
Speaker 1:Now, sir, I do not know what you mean, but I would love to know what you'd use a bed gi for. It sounds mad and mysterious.
Speaker 2:No, it's not necessarily. Let's say, it's all terrain ready.
Speaker 1:Can I use it in a jungle?
Speaker 2:You can use it anywhere and any way you'd like can I use it for 500 bucks can I use it in the arctic circle? I, I would maybe use that as a long john in the arctic circle. But no, sir I, I wouldn't necessarily just stick with a gi I'll tell my friend long Okay.
Speaker 3:Can I use it?
Speaker 2:down at my local swimming pool More than welcome. Oh, thank you so much, dylan Well.
Speaker 1:I'll have five of your finest bed geese.
Speaker 2:Right, so tallying that up, that's two and a half grand. I'll get them shipped over to you right away.
Speaker 1:Thank you very much. Can I pay in pennies please?
Speaker 2:No, sir, I can send you a payment link. You're welcome to visit in-store and we'll have a card machine ready, or I guess notes would be fine.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you, Dylan. You sound like a fine, fine gentleman. It's been wonderful to speak to you today.
Speaker 2:Wonderful. Likewise, sir, have a lovely day. Bye, well, and how did you feel you dealt with that one, dylan? I think I spoke way too long on the phone. I just wanted to get it off.
Speaker 1:That's fine. I mean, like you said, you wanted to keep them on the phone. And how did you assess, mr Phyllis?
Speaker 2:Did you enjoy him? He was a lively character and he was friendly, so no, I had no reason to complain about him. I I just always wonder what these intentions are with people purchasing.
Speaker 1:Did you have many of those kind of like no question asks you know I want this gi, you know oh yeah, if people know what they want, I obviously sell it to them because there's no back and forth about it.
Speaker 2:But, um, I I've had people call me and be like, listen, I'm looking for, and now, in retrospect, october month, it didn't take me that long to figure out. But for instance, halloween would come up Right Right, people would phone in, buy karate suits, and then I'm talking about it's not like the cheapest suits, and then they would buy karate suits in the month of october because they want to dress their child and I was like that.
Speaker 2:That is ridiculous and maybe because like the kids will come up for trick or treat and they just want to open the door and be like I don't know what it is but, yeah, it's a couple of things, like the one guy, um, like, because you do get characters, especially in the martial arts world. It's kind of like the McDojo people, the McDojo McDojo, please explain. So you've got people that you could kind of, you can kind of assume they know what they are doing, like they might actually be legit fighters, whether it be mma guys, bjj guys that are editor, but then every now and again you got this person who has probably done three online lessons, um, or watched three youtube videos on how to do something, and now they are ready to kind of buy their gi. And the one guy just wanted me to. So he was kind of putting on the gi, like over his clothes, and he was doing a lot of shoulder work, I guess, and I was like, well, I'm okay.
Speaker 2:And he was like, can I test it out? And I'm like wait what he's like? No, can I, can I test out the suit? And I said I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. You are wearing the suit currently. He's like, yeah, yeah, you know, but like, take it for a spin. And I'm like, okay, so I'm like, well, the dojo side is next door and what I had in mind was okay, there's a punching bag. So had in mind was okay, there's a, there's a punching bag so he could throw a couple of punches, see if it doesn't restrict any movement.
Speaker 2:And he starts rolling around on the fucking mat and I'm standing there thinking that's a white karate suit and you are just testing that hasn't been paid for and you are just testing it out by doing multiple fucking rolls on the ground, so that's kind of where I was like um, yeah, that's, that's.
Speaker 1:There have probably been some mr phillips, did he buy one at least um?
Speaker 2:he bought. He bought that one. But on other occasions I've had two russian ladies literally measure out each and every suit for probably about three and a half hours in my store I'm being serious and at the end of it they were like thank you, we appreciate your time, and they just left so they were basically measuring stuff up to probably get it to try and produce themselves like thank you we have stolen all your intellectual property, so yeah I thought that was funny as well well, funny four weeks afterwards.
Speaker 2:But what I want to? Sorry, and then we can wrap this up. But uh, what I wanted to say about the the first, the first phone call is me referring to jason is what is what I did on on a couple of occasions was your real life make-believe person.
Speaker 2:Make-believe person If I messed up something which very rarely happened, and then I would be like, listen, I'm sorry. And then I know, because I'm the only person working there, I would know, okay, who Jason is, but if anyone else answered the phone, so everyone around town is like fucking have you heard about this Jason guy he can't
Speaker 1:fucking get an order right to save his life this guy is a dickhead, but that, dylan, what a guy. He'll just roll around on you and test the suits out whenever you want to. He's a great dude. That's a great idea. There's another customer service tip make up, pick up a person and blame everything on them. Double kill. So, dylan, next week, what are we doing and why? Where are we going in the world?
Speaker 2:I thought it would be fun if we pick each other's location, or at least pick the location you think the other person would pick if there was a worldwide hide and go see competition.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'm going to pick where I think you would hide, yeah, and vice versa, vice versa. How about we find those places and we give the other one three words, so then there is no, there is no wiggle room, like you just have to fucking go for it. And because, look, just yeah, let's face it right, like usually, we find a place, yeah, and you can skip around a few squares because they're very small squares, I mean meter by meter or whatever. You know, my rules are yeah, four, the four.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fair enough, right, um, but this one, that's fair we can still find one that maybe we could be harsh, we could be like you know, three ridiculous words. Or we could find three good words that we can, we can play with. So today we have debated some cartoons. Yeah, um, terrifically, or whatever the fuck it was and we have also totally yeah, we've also seen cartoons we've also seen how it melts when customers are on your hotline in your karate shop.
Speaker 1:Yeah well, well done, dylan so next week we'll look where each other will hide in, hide and seek on three word story drop it down low. Three word story thank you for listening to this week's three-word story. If you would like to get in touch with james and dylan, then please email us at the three-word story at gmailcom. Send your reviews, negative or positive, or even your three words, and we'll read them out on air. See you next week.
