Three Word Story
Welcome to "Three Word Story," where each episode improvises a tale from the unknown. Join hosts James Royle and Dylan Jacobs as they stumble through narratives sparked by three random words generated from the map app what3words thethreewordstory@gmail.com
Three Word Story
26. National Holiday Remodels & Mr Phillis Masseuse Master
Prepare for absolute chaos as James and Dylan set the podcast on fire with their most frenetic, sweat-soaked episode yet. What begins as a simple challenge to create stories from three random words quickly spirals into a masterclass of improvised madness spanning gladiators, genies, and holiday reimaginings.
The journey kicks off with nostalgic reminiscing about the 90s TV phenomenon Gladiators, complete with character names from both UK and South African versions. Dylan shares his thoughts on the new Lilo and Stitch movie before the hosts dive into their main challenge: selecting locations where they might find genies, generating three random words, and crafting stories from them.
James takes us on an unexpected educational expedition to "Papua New Genie" (his deliberately misspelled version of Papua New Guinea), revealing fascinating facts about this island nation with 840 languages. His deep dive into online reviews for a small lodge becomes an absurdist commentary on internet rating culture, as he questions why people giving five-star written reviews would only award three stars.
Meanwhile, Dylan explores how holidays could be improved, proposing that Valentine's Day should be split into two celebrations: a traditional one for couples and "V-Day" for singles looking to connect. His holiday "remodels" extend to combining Groundhog Day with April Fool's, creating a system where a groundhog's behavior determines when people can pull pranks, making the day unpredictable and fresh.
The rising temperature in the studio becomes a character itself as both hosts repeatedly mention how they're "sweating their twats off" in the heat. This physical discomfort adds another layer to the already chaotic energy, culminating in James role-playing phone calls to Dylan's fictional "Big D's University" with increasingly ridiculous course inquiries.
Subscribe now to hear next week's equally unhinged adventure as the hosts search for entrances to underground civilizations. Trust us – you won't find another podcast that combines educational tidbits, holiday reformation, and sweaty improv quite like Three Word Story.
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Welcome to Three Word Story. I'm James.
Speaker 2:I'm Dylan.
Speaker 1:And this is the podcast where we take three words from the app.
Speaker 2:What three words.
Speaker 1:And improv the shit out of a story.
Speaker 2:Today on Three Word Story Welcome back to Dylan's Soldier. Guys, strap yourself in for a two-hour episode.
Speaker 1:So what in South Africa? You would call someone a toboggan. So what in South Africa? You would call someone a toboggan? Don't want a little freaking spaghetti picture of you? I just want to smash a TV in.
Speaker 2:I think you're fine.
Speaker 3:I think you're fine. It's a Mr Philistines gladiators ready.
Speaker 1:Three word story are you ready?
Speaker 2:we are ready, james, you're ready there, dylan.
Speaker 1:So you've ready today for a three word story, the wonderful podcast where we take three random words from a location and improv the shit out of a story yeah, I think my neighbors will be very glad for that introduction just being like listen, fuck off, it's a sunday.
Speaker 1:Well, dylan it's good to see you. It's been a whole day since I've seen you, which is a whole day. I've missed you endlessly, ever so endlessly. And um, quick question for those. I mean, that was gladiators, by the way. Uh, for those who didn't know out there, uh, gladiators was a wonderful show that used to be on tv. I just, I think they brought it back where a group of insane looking athletes would take on the general public, uh, along assault courses and whatnot. Right, yeah, did you have South African gladiators?
Speaker 2:and what were their names? Uh, yes, we did. This was a good while back, Like I'm. If I had to guess, I think the last one, Ed, maybe like 20 years ago, like it stopped when I was like you haven't had the reboot then no, we haven't had the reboot um, but back then, um, it was granite, like it was this yeah, yeah, granite, and uh, I think his name is an old lady, it's granny.
Speaker 1:It's coming to the.
Speaker 2:No, it was probably it was this, this uh bold white man, but fuck, that guy was big and like. He was like the celebrity for me growing up was like granite. I think it was like granite and I think it was something like titan and um and like well we had.
Speaker 1:Uh, we had like jet, I think was one of the women. One we had, wolf. Wolf was crazy looking that long haired bastard. I'm pretty sure he was like involved in some some drugs or something like that. I don don't know. Allegedly, he was allegedly, so please don't double.
Speaker 2:Kill me, wolf please leave me alone. How old do you reckon Wolf is now? Oh, is this part of the reboot? No, he's not part of the reboot. I think the reboot.
Speaker 1:Guys are a bit cleaner looking. They're a little bit more mean. You know these look like guys who would honestly kick the fuck out of you and then sell you steroids in the locker room. Right, they were. They were rough old people back in the day. But gladiators was gladiators was great. I'm glad south africa had gladiators, but they haven't had their room reboot no, no, no.
Speaker 2:Um, I don't know why normally we try and steal from you. Got the world's strongest man now right.
Speaker 1:So that would be a great place to start for gladiators. Imagine you're coming up against the world's strongest man and you have to I don't know fucking wrestle a ball with him, or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I know they. They used to be kind of this gauntlet thing where you just have to run past him and they have to kind of shove you away with this, uh like foam yeah, the double batting thing and I can just imagine this guy being like you ain't getting past me. Yeah, if you don't have the speed, the world's strongest smack in the face would be sick.
Speaker 1:That would be a great reform. So if we ever do setting up a business in africa, then you can bring back gladiators and we can. We can push that. Uh, well, dylan, uh, we went off piece we just went pieced off massively. Uh dylan, how are you and why?
Speaker 2:just rework it back all the way from there. It's like no hold on. We start off the path and then we'll bring it back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean I'm picking up on the path, but I haven't seen you for a day, so I assume that crazy things may or may not have happened to you, like before we get to the point where, yes, we talk about, where we, the locations we've picked, so we can find our random three words, so then we can generate our wonderful stories. Dylan, for the listeners and for me, and for me, your dear friend James, how are you? How is why?
Speaker 2:You know what, james, since yesterday? Yeah, haven't been too bad 24 hours. In that 24 hours I've been to the movies, right.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't know why that cuts off at the end. That's very annoying, but we'll see. It's our producer Again. What was his name?
Speaker 2:Why did I want to say Alan?
Speaker 1:No, alan's my car and AI assistant, but Tom, tom Tom.
Speaker 2:What's your name, Tom? Was that Tom? Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1:Tom, it is you win.
Speaker 2:Probably why he's such a bad producer because we can't remember his name. Yeah, I know we are awful to this producer.
Speaker 1:So, dylan, you went to the movies and what happened? And why? What did you watch? Yeah, lilo and Stitch keen eye, dylan, and I've been thinking is it just the cartoon, but with real people in it? And was the stitch a real stitch? Was it really live action like? Was this stitch just a ferret with, uh, some makeup on and they just made it act? What?
Speaker 2:happened. No, yeah again, I don't know the exact definition of live action, but no, stitch was really computer generated. Oh, really computer? No, but it was. It was well done. Like, listen I, I don't, I don't care what other people say, I really enjoyed the movie.
Speaker 1:I love it. You got ahead of that, yeah, like, hey, anyone you guys in the room here with us, I know what you're looking at and and fuck you, okay, and you know what. Your t-shirt your lilo and stitch t-shirt is adorable, dylan, I like it. So, out of five Ds, how would you give the child's movie Lilo and Stitch how many Ds would you?
Speaker 2:give it. I think I'd give the child's movie five Ds Great Four and a half.
Speaker 1:Four and a half Ds. Okay, your highlight of Lilo and Stitch would be.
Speaker 2:Did? Yes, very much so, and I think that because I really because I appreciated that so much I think that's why I'm giving it such a high score is because it really kind of tapped into that and they added one or two little cute moments where it really kind of elevated some of the movie. Don't get me wrong, some of the characters weren't there, which I think half of the people would miss. Anyway, I was a staunch, they weren't. What did they do? Um, like no, sound like this guy from comic-con just asking these these intense questions. But no, like, uh, like, uh, captain gantu was not in this one, as opposed to the what's wrong with captain gantu Gang 2?
Speaker 1:I don't remember or don't know of Captain Gang 2. Is he not 2025? Is that what?
Speaker 2:we're saying no, it's not the sense of him not being 2025. It's in the original one, Jamba Jokiba, the creator of Lilo of Stedge.
Speaker 1:This is why I'm asking you questions, because I know you'll know the answers, and that's what I love about. That's what our listeners want. They want the deep dive on lilo and stick so please carry on anyway.
Speaker 2:in the original as, or at least as I have it, they um like he kind of they show a bit more um like you humanity towards stitch, as opposed to this new one where he's actually the bad guy and he stays the bad guy when Dr Chupacabra Okay, thank you, needless to say it's a very sweet movie. I really enjoyed it. Comedy is good, original voice overs. So yeah, very happy, original voiceovers.
Speaker 2:They just took the audio from the first film. No, no, no, meaning like it's the same actors and like Stitch is still Stitch 20 years later and who voices? Stitch.
Speaker 1:Steve someone, steve someone, just a guy who's just like this the whole time wow and he does, and he does a great job at it.
Speaker 2:Well, good for him well done, steve.
Speaker 1:What a great guy you win. Why does that cut off? That's really annoying. Well, I mean one less button for you. Yeah, I know, I'm only down to three and only one of them is a fucking telephone, so that's not gonna help us. So we're down to two. Right, dylan going to help her, so we're down to two right dylan.
Speaker 4:Let the ceremonies begin, all right and that's the other button.
Speaker 1:Dylan is you know how many times I can pull that fucking thing out?
Speaker 1:hopefully just not so often, so now I'm gonna have to change my story to ceremony based banter. Uh, dylan, what's up for our stories? Okay, way back when we decided that we were going to find a location on this humble planet earth where we think we would find a genie, we were then going to locate that place. That place, using what three words, would give us three unique words, and then we would obviously make a story out of them, dylan, but the caveat was that we were going to have, uh, what our three wishes were as well, located to this place, and and judging by your face, I know you know that and you are fully prepared for today's three-word story. So, dylan, Let the ceremonies begin.
Speaker 3:Drop it down low with three-word story. What?
Speaker 1:Do you think you would find a genie, and why?
Speaker 2:You know what. I'm just going to ignore the why and just tell you where, because this is one of those a thought popped up and I just ran with it and I don't know why. But I was like, yeah, that makes sense and I'm not going to question what I was thinking. So I said you know what starbucks?
Speaker 1:that's where. That's where you'll find. Right, that's where you'll find. You do remind me of a white millennial girl with her pumpkin spice latte, so that does make sense to me okay, double double bump. Okay, so you have I assume out of 250 000 starbucks in the world, or however many there are. Yes, um, you went. Where did you go? And why so we? For the sake of the podcast, dylan, can you please humor me on the. Why could we not just go?
Speaker 2:and I think starbucks moving on, yeah, starbucks al-sif, al-sif al-sif right right next to dubai creek, so you can kind of, uh, wrap a bit of history into that. But it really gives us old town feel or kind of Arabic kind of style layout and old town feel right next to Dubai Creek, which has a bit of history to it. So, yeah, it's a Starbucks. That's obviously a very modern idea, but at the same time it's a very old area. So I figured you know what, let's kind of blend the two have a genie pop up there somewhere and maybe I just thought, oh, you call it a lamp though, right, yeah you stroke and caress the lamp and then the genie pops out right, so it's a lamp.
Speaker 1:I guess you would call it Dylan. This is your sweet, sweet.
Speaker 2:Well, either way, no. So I think I just automatically thought of okay, it looks like a kettle, not like a lamp, and maybe I thought starbucks coffee and coffee and I was like yeah, look, you can get those like kettles that have like the long, slender spout, which looks like something a genie would. Yes, pop outie would yeah so let's call it, let's call the story of uh, I'll see if starbucks there's, there's a lamp or a long, long schlong kettle a long schlong kettle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, famous, yeah, because what?
Speaker 2:did you just say what? What do you call the, uh, the longer part of it?
Speaker 1:I don't know why I put that ch. I spout spout on your catcher.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's a spout.
Speaker 1:So long schlongy spout.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we'll call that the uh, uh, the legendary story of al-sif okay and so you mean al-sif, the, uh, the new old place, right, the new old, the new old place. So it's not actually old, it's made to look old yes it, it's a real fake place, but it is also old in terms of location.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes, but it's like one big movie set that you just don't know. Is it real, is it not real, is it fake? Is it?
Speaker 2:not fake. Yeah it's like old, new, old, new, old, it's old, new. Okay, dylan. So, and does this place relate to your story in any way, or did you just go? No, considering last week's story, I figured let me steer clear of that, because I'm not so sure if, if last week's story worked out well, but yeah, this one will probably not either.
Speaker 1:So, okay, right, and now dylan because I know you are phenomenally prepared for this. What are your three wishes and why?
Speaker 1:let the ceremonies begin I have very limited use for this one, so prepare to uh that one to come on every now and then. Right, hit me three wishes. Right you're, you're in alcife, you've just got your coca mocha latte from starbucks, right, and they're like hey, big d dylan d yells above, struck this kettle, rub my kettle. This man's looking at you in the eyes and he's going hey, you rub my kettle. And you're like I'm a bit uncomfortable. He's like, hey, lock the doors. You rub my kettle. Right, you have no choice. You rub the kettle. Alakazam, hello eyes, I'm the genie. How can I grant your three wishes today? I don't know what this is, but we're rolling with it.
Speaker 3:I am a genie, I have an undescript accent.
Speaker 1:Where am I from? I don't know.
Speaker 2:And you answer your own questions.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so Dylan, what is your three wishes? And why. To learn what is your three wishes.
Speaker 2:and why Off the cuff? Because, genie, you know that I am very great at improv.
Speaker 3:Oh, yes, you are on that amazing three-word story. Improv podcast.
Speaker 2:So I would like to be yes, reborn, reborn.
Speaker 3:Has.
Speaker 2:Reborn yes, I want to be reborn, yes.
Speaker 1:You want to be reborn, so it's basically a way to say I want to die.
Speaker 2:I want to be reborn as a monarch every century.
Speaker 1:Every century. Okay, delightful. So let's say we go back, we go back.
Speaker 3:Oh, actually hold on, Hold on, no take it back.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right. So I wish for an unbreakable DeLorean like it appears in Back to the Future. Okay, so time travel, okay, right.
Speaker 1:I'm scrapping the genie voice because I don't really know where the fuck I was going, so I'm just going to use my voice. Right, I'm going to use my voice. So, the unbreakable DeLorean. Now is this just the car, the DeLorean, or do you? Indeed?
Speaker 2:want to time travel. I indeed want to time travel.
Speaker 1:Okay, first thing you do right, You're time travelling. Where are you?
Speaker 2:going For some reason I would like to go back to let's call it, let's go back pre-Civil.
Speaker 1:War.
Speaker 2:That's where we want to go, that's where we want to go.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you're gonna, you're just gonna bounce around time, so to say time zone, uh, and having a a way old time. So that's wish number one, dylan. Wish number two hit me what you got um after time travel.
Speaker 2:Uh, I would. I would definitely wish you know, I wish for an island. Sure, why not An island? Yeah, a property habitable island? Yeah, okay, a properly habitable one, yeah, maybe something off like the Caymans, yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, right, so you've got time travel and you've got island.
Speaker 2:Third wish I guess I have to have stacks of cash to back that up, right? I would assume so yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, Cash Island, DeLorean Time Travelling. You happy with that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I could go deep into you know what really makes my soul churn, but I figured let's keep it by talking what's?
Speaker 3:that what makes?
Speaker 2:my soul churn. I didn't know what else he is.
Speaker 3:Do I want?
Speaker 1:to know what makes your soul churn. Welcome back to Dylan's soul churning. Okay, so we're going to just stick it. We're going to keep it light. Yeah, delorean, some time travel. We're going to have mountains of cash and an Island. Yeah, happy with it. Double kill, okay, dylan. So the three words I gave you were remodels, doing holiday oh, alright, okay, that kind of that leads itself to a story. Quite well, it's like holding your hand to the story. It's like, hey, here's these three random words, but let me guide you towards the story.
Speaker 2:that's what they've done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I also don't like the thought of that, because that then insinuates my story would be good. Okay, yeah, that's true, and I don't like that.
Speaker 1:You've slipped your hand out of the grip of the three words and you've run away, you naughty little rapscallion, and you've done your own thing, I'm sure, right, dylan. So I've looked at the globe, the map, and I have scaled every square kilometer of it wow, not just deciding on the starbucks.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you went 10 kilometers down the road.
Speaker 1:Where's my nearest starbucks? Okay, it's out to you. It looks old, that's nice, and I'll think of my three witches on the spot. No, dylan, I have. I've scaled the world, the map. I have gone from new countries to old countries, to commonwealth, to outside of commonwealth, I've been to you know where disney would claim a genie to be, and everywhere. But and I have actually found exactly where the daddy genie would come from, the genie, okay, the new, the daddy, genie.
Speaker 2:Okay, the new daddy, so the genie we know as the genie, so, and then he's daddy.
Speaker 1:He's like the top, the peak, the mega one. Okay, so, like the boss genie, the big old boss, all right. And as I was scaling Earth, I came across a place and I was like huh, let me look into this place.
Speaker 1:And I realized the name of the country was actually miss spelt dylan so miss spelt, miss, that's what we had known for a country yeah, it was just next to suriname and uh, basically, dylan, this country where the father, the new father of all genies was found has been mistakenly named papa new guinea, when obviously it should be called papa new genie. So that is where you would find a genie, dylan, right now. I went to papa new guinea to find where, specifically, specifically, this Papua New Guinea would be found and unfortunately, dylan, I must tell you, I went off on a bit of a tangent. Okay, so when you go into what three words? Okay, and you search Papua New Guinea, it puts you bam right in the fucking middle of it. Now, if you don't know too much about papua new guinea, let me educate you a little bit. Thank you, okay.
Speaker 1:Papua new genie, okay, as it will now be called, is the third largest island on earth. Okay, it was once owned, unfortunately, by north germans, south owned, unfortunately, by North Germans, south British. It was then seceded to the Australians and then, in the early 1900s, was given its independence, like rightfully should. So Papua New Guinea now stands with a population anywhere between 7 and 11 million. They do not know how many of them, because over 80% of the population do not live in urban areas. They live in what we will call the BF, but fuck of nowhere. Okay, papua New Guinea has 840 official languages 840. So you can take your 11 languages, rainbow Nation, and go over to the other side of the room, because there's nothing to be impressed when Papua New motherfucking genie is bringing you 840 official languages. I'll say that again 840 official languages. So this is truly a majestic country full of indigenous people that we do not understand.
Speaker 2:This is one of the last, because you don't speak one of the languages right, you go there and you speak, okay, I'll learn one.
Speaker 1:You just cross the tree line and bam, it's like going from german to french and it's gone from french to chinese and and whatever else. But these are languages we don't even understand, dylan, we don't even understand them. Okay, there's things about papua new guinea, genie, that we may never understand, dylan. So here's where my tangent went. First of all, I was enamored by how fucking treescaped this country was. Smothered with trees. Okay, you're looking at what you think is a town, but all you can see is what looks like a Gen Z's head, just broccoli topped, and you cannot actually see what's within it. It is just sensationally naturistic, dylan.
Speaker 1:Now, when you go and search Papua New Guinea, right dead in the center, it basically shows you a lodge. Okay, now, this particular lodge there is no reviews for it doesn't exist. Okay, but if you search the lodge again on Google, it will give you the same name lodge, but slightly different. So it is Stay Well, lodged Biala is what comes up when you search Papua New Guinea on the maps. But if you search it, it then gives you the correct lodge. So I thought, hey, if I'm going to go to Papua New Guinea, a genie, a Papua New genie, might want to stay in a lovely and fantastic lodge. Ok, so I thought let me check this lodge out, right? So this lodge is is close to the coastline and it has 34 reviews. Okay, so I thought let's check these 34 reviews out, right? I want to make sure, before I go check this genie out, that I'm going to go and make sure he's in comfortable lodgings. Okay, now let me tell you, dylan, this hotel has a star rating of 3.5.
Speaker 3:Okay, you'd say you'd shrug your shoulders. These are Google reviews. 34 Google reviews.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I've gone to Papua New Guinea. I've learned there's 840 languages. Okay, it was half German, half British. Now they have their independence. That's right, was half German, half British, and now they have their independence, as rightfully just.
Speaker 1:And now I found myself in Biala Staywell Lodge, deep into the reviews of Biala Staywell Lodge, and one of my wishes because this completely derailed me, dylan, this completely derailed me is one of my wishes for Papua New Guinea is to understand what a fucking star rating means. Okay, let me tell you affordable accommodation with adequate parking space, parking space in the third largest island in the world that has 11 million people. Right, he's, this guy is focused on parking space. Food is okay, but not michin quality. This person, dylan, this person has gone to Papua New Guinea. It's an island that has up to 11 million people who speak 840 different languages that we don't understand, and Nick Soeaton, two years ago, is complaining that they don't have Michelin quality food, ideal conference room with spacious, air-conditioned rooms, three out of five. Fuck you, nixon. Fuck you for going to Papua New Guinea and thinking that you deserve Michelin quality food.
Speaker 2:Where do you?
Speaker 1:reckon he's from Nixon Eaton. He's probably British. To be honest, I'm going to go out in there and say, I'm going to say that we could this is not Michelin starved food.
Speaker 3:I've come to Papua New Guinea and I deserve the best conference room there is and the most Michelin food there is on earth Succulent Chinese meal.
Speaker 2:I deserve a succulent.
Speaker 1:Chinese meal. So no, dylan, right? So that's number one. Yeah, number one. Guy pissed me off, I pissed me off. I'm thinking this the beala stay well, lodge. It's in papua new guinea. It's trying, it's a developing country, leave them alone. Lemuel wimban said rooms are okay food needs more imagination.
Speaker 2:Who the fuck are these people?
Speaker 3:imagination imagine you're eating bit of food there you go close your eyes and imagine it for a small space.
Speaker 1:The ground and parking again is a big thing in papua new guinea and security is okay.
Speaker 2:Three out of five well, how do you say security is okay? Does that mean you only got robbed with your phone and your wallet?
Speaker 1:it's like no, my yeah it's just just the one that's it that's it, you know you're just the one thing biala, stay well, lodge. This is from oscar robert. Okay, biala, stay well. Lodge is our most beautiful place in biala. What stars would you give that right, if you're oscar robert and you think it is the most beautiful place in?
Speaker 2:biala what you're giving. Giving it In Biala? Yeah, and it's the only lodge. Well, not the only lodge, but it's the most. He used the word most. I would give it a five.
Speaker 1:You'd give it a five right. Well, oscar Robert thought he would wander along and give him a one out of five. Fuck you, robert, fuck you okay, the most beautiful one. But do you know who thinks that this place is more stars than Oscar Robert Rister Dickery. Do you know what Rister Dickery said? Dickery by name, dickery by nature. He said did not like the rooms. Do you know how many stars he gave it?
Speaker 2:I guess five.
Speaker 3:No two, Damn it, set me up there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm freaking knocked you out the park. Damien had a great time. Three, Abel, best ever place to stay. Abel, it was the best, the best ever. He's not giving context, isn't? He no Is that in PNG.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, is that in the town.
Speaker 1:Is that further? But he says it's the best ever.
Speaker 2:Dylan, how many stars Now I'm going to say three. Then yeah, stars now I'm gonna say three, then yeah. Well, you nailed it with three.
Speaker 1:But maybe you're friends with this guy. Maybe you'd both sit next week go. This is the best place I've ever been in my life give it two and a half, let's round up and give it a three show like my goodness, okay. So I got to desmond, okay, and I got to desmond mondo vag hello, seems like a nice guy this seems like a nice guy.
Speaker 1:I went to his facebook profile so two days ago this was so. This is wow. This is recent. Um desmond told us that it is the biggest accommodation facility in biala town of east nakania. Local level government, llg, area West New Britain, png Brilliantly factual Letting us know what it is.
Speaker 2:How many stars would you?
Speaker 1:give it up. Yeah, three, no, two, no, no, no, two, two, nothing else. He's just going to tell us what it is. He's just going to fuck five stars in there. So I thought you know what?
Speaker 2:Enough is enough. Enough, I'm fed up. Right did you? Did you write a review?
Speaker 1:I'll tell you what we can do. We can formula wait late one and put one great. I wanted just to play a little game of what would desmond rate? Okay, so I've gone into desmond's profile, okay. So, as I said, I'm going to put a bit of a tangent, okay, and I want you to give me what would he rate? Okay, based on that, he's very factual. What would he rate? So if I said to you, if I said to you, it is the biggest accommodation, oh, no, same one, I'm not going to say it right. Okay, one of the big shopping shop in Kimbe, west New Britain, papua New Guinea. One of the big shopping shop in Kimbe? How many?
Speaker 2:stars. It's the biggest shopping shop in Kimbae. How many stars? It's a bigger shopping shop and you'd like nothing more than to shop in the bigger shopping shop it's a shopping shop. So yeah, I'll give it a four.
Speaker 1:Then no three, wrong it's the best shopping shop that deserves three stars. Okay, so if I'm Desmond and I'm thinking, kimbae Market is the best market infrastructure in New Guinea Islands, if not Papua New Guinea Very clean, hygienic and orderly.
Speaker 2:All right. So I think I'm starting to read into Desmond's kind of psyche over here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in his brain right now, so he does not give higher than three stars. Yeah, okay, right.
Speaker 2:So that must be his real kind of. So I'm going to say, okay, just kind of help me out. Yet, okay, does he give points?
Speaker 3:like, point like three points.
Speaker 1:Something is it only whole stars whole?
Speaker 2:stars. Okay, fine, let's stick to three.
Speaker 1:Then you're sticking to three, well desmond's giving you a double kill because he's given that five.
Speaker 2:Should have known you were too enthusiastic, being like yes, yes, yes, you're going to get it wrong.
Speaker 1:You walked down this road. What about the hotel? Location is away from all activities of the urban area. It is quiet, with outdoor barbecue facility. The restaurant serves bigger meals and great pizzas in town. What starts you giving you think you're in desmond's mind?
Speaker 2:he's giving five, he's giving ones.
Speaker 1:Where is he?
Speaker 2:no, he's gonna. He's gonna go for, uh, he's gonna go for three yeah, you nailed it right, I think.
Speaker 1:I think you think you're getting desmond now, um, and that was a game of what would desmond rate? Okay, um, but you know, you know what, as we're here, as we're off on this tangent, we're half an hour in.
Speaker 2:Can I just say, as you were going, this you started off with gladiators just before the show and I was like, oh, okay, I kind of get the gist of it. Now you go down this tangent and I'm like, listen, you are making like the pitter patter of whatever you have made up from what we lost last week so that you can add to this week.
Speaker 4:So, guys, strap yourself in for a two hour episode with my good friend James, and myself, Dylan.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, Double kill All right.
Speaker 1:Right so if we're going to leave a review, then let's look I can edit it out. There's some things I already need to edit out, but we'll know, people will never know, so so what are we saying about biala? Stay well, lodge based on what we've heard so far, okay, so I'm gonna start with such a large accommodation, okay, um, and I've put uh four h's on such okay, so it's like such a large accommodation, okay, I think that is uh what people are trying to say. Um, I'm already giving it five stars.
Speaker 2:Right, I already want to boost to be our lodger, but I'm not going any three, okay, so I'm not working on stars, it's just a matter of kind of compiling what what people are going on.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to put great views of toboggan. Ok, so we're just going to say that there is a toboggan there, ok, well, we're not going to tell people why.
Speaker 2:Is that not code for shit house Like what does toboggan mean?
Speaker 1:Toboggan is like a shit. It's in it like a boat. Or is it like a boat or is it like a? You know, when you a bobsleigh man, is it not like that, a toboggan?
Speaker 2:it might be. I think it is right, we've got time.
Speaker 3:So we've got time, we've got two hours now that Dylan put it out there, toboggan yeah, it's like it's an open sleigh okay, so I wasn't wrong, because you can use it as a shit ass, um, but so what?
Speaker 1:in south africa, you would call someone a toboggan no, I'm just like, I'm just where have you heard anyone get. Someone called you a toboggan and you've just taken a shit house I I honestly haven't heard the word that much.
Speaker 2:It just sounds like it might be the slang word for where do you, where you go to go take a shit oh right, oh right, oh no, there's not a shit.
Speaker 1:Oh, you mean shithouses in a house to shit in. In England we call people a shithouse. You're a shithouse, mate.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:Oh well, this is very confusing. Off the word toboggan. We've gone here, there and everywhere. So such a large accommodation, great views of the toboggan, dylan, um, dylan gives excellent massages. And then put plus nine, one, five, you're not going to put that and there we go. So such large accommodation, great views of the toboggan, dylan gives excellent massages. That is going to be publicly posted on biala. Stay well, could you please host?
Speaker 2:did you remove the x's after the massagers message? No, no, it's still that. It's still that great massages, xxxx, winky face, winky face winky face so well.
Speaker 1:I think that we've uh we've helped the community of biala by giving, rightfully, the stars that they deserve, because these people are fucking lunatics to say it's the best place they've ever stayed. Three stars makes no sense. So my wishes are one png, papa new genie, figure out their star system, okay. Two, I wish oscar and his friends all over here understand what it means to a business about rating a business properly. Three, this guy here I respect greatly and I wish him all the best. It's a man posing next to a gun in biala. What a very lovely man. I wish him the best. David gomi, you rock man.
Speaker 3:Good for you let the ceremonies begin drop it down low with three word story.
Speaker 1:So, dylan, that was an absolute fucking whirlwind of emotion. There I am sweating my twat off in your apartment and I just purely think it's because of excitement and excitement alone, thank you. So you had a gorgeous set of words to deal with, dylan, and I would love to know about your story.
Speaker 2:What is your story and why so? We go back to the words yes, remodels, doing holiday, okay, but what I first thought was, hmm, remodels, I was like models. I knew you were.
Speaker 1:I knew. I knew that's where you were going, okay, but I was like models, I knew you were.
Speaker 2:I knew that's where you were going, okay, but I was like it's re. So I'm like huh, so what are we doing? So I wanted to tell a story of past ex-models doing a holiday, and then I thought that would be fucking stupid, so I reworked my story like right now as you've been talking I was like
Speaker 2:you know I'm not gonna get around to that story, but um, no, uh, we obviously have some uh, some holiday traditions throughout the world and they're all not perfect. I really tried I'm not trying, I didn't try that hard in all honesty but I figured let me stick to the holidays I know and which I assume we know, kind of being like from the West, okay. So I didn't want to delve too deep into anything else, okay.
Speaker 2:But I was like okay, that's fine, we take holidays. However, we have a chat and we have kind of like a panel discussion between the two of us of how we can make it better, okay, okay, and what we kind of change. So, in essence, we'll kind of discuss the holiday yes, in brief, okay and then we'll say we want more of and less of okay, great, this kind of plays well into the whole rating thing that we've just been talking about, so we kind of you know, it's like we're kind of reviewing these places of what we'd want more of.
Speaker 1:Wow, it's like we plan this, and obviously anyone listening to whatever the fuck this has been so far will know absolutely hand on heart that none of this is planned whatsoever. But I like it when this happens, okay. Dylan let's go, tell me, what breeds have you got?
Speaker 2:Right. Well, we'll start with the first one.
Speaker 1:That's what I always say yeah, start with the first one. You always say that, dylan. That's what I like about you.
Speaker 2:That's how I grew to you in the mornings. Yeah, let's start with the first one. V-day Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1:Ooh, and do you call it V-Day to the ladies, because that sounds terrifying.
Speaker 2:Hey, listen.
Speaker 1:I like the shock factor. Happy V-Day, yeah, happy V-Day.
Speaker 2:Okay, so V-Day, yeah, yeah, we're talking v-day, so historically it hasn't been the uh most funnest day for me, and this and as you'll kind of see as we progress with with this uh, quick little discussion is this is actually just a way of me of uh, of airing out all my dirty laundry and I don't think I want your dirty laundry on v-day.
Speaker 1:My friends'm not going to come on this shit.
Speaker 3:It's only the socks.
Speaker 2:Arsehole, dylan. Why are your socks standing?
Speaker 3:up straight.
Speaker 1:Why do googly eyes stuck on?
Speaker 3:them.
Speaker 2:Alright, yeah, so a sweet celebration of love and a combination of overpriced roses and, uh, what else?
Speaker 1:wow, you threw that over quickly. I really I don't that potato was burning.
Speaker 2:I just didn't want to, because, again, this is like the, the. I can tell you, james, like I have and it's not for lack of trying I've actually tried to do things on Valentine's Day okay yeah and I was like you know what, dylan? Maybe make eye contact, maybe speak to someone a bit more, maybe ask them how their day is like, maybe, maybe, do like an wait until leaving it to the last second yeah, don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1:Maybe that's where I was going wrong you're leaving it to v-day and then you're planning to get a v-day on v-day. Yeah, because I figured maybe I can't be the only desperate one here, surely well?
Speaker 2:that's kind of yeah, I figured a lot of people might be and I was like you know what? Maybe she's open to having like an insta insta date type kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Okay, right, okay. So we're onto something.
Speaker 2:Maybe I'm romanticizing the, the thought of it but okay.
Speaker 1:Well, here's the thing, right.
Speaker 4:So v-day I don't know what let's just call it v-day for now, because I like it, okay.
Speaker 1:So let's say for couples, it's valentine's day, okay, you are chucking rose petals on the bed, you're, you know, sticking penises in holes or whatever, and you're having some home-cooked meal or you're eating out or whatever, right? The typical blah, blah, roses and flowers, right, yeah, so let's say v-day v-day for singles like you. Okay, you're the guy who's trying to get a date on V-Day. So why don't we have a slight rebrand Valentine's Day for couples and we're going to have V-Day for hot singles in your area.
Speaker 3:Just like you.
Speaker 1:So I'm thinking right in an area, in a, let's just say, down there, there's a big open space. Right, we erect a tent. Okay, big emphasis on the erect.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going to, we're going to V the shit out of this thing, okay, and we invite all the singles in your area, okay, and I'll tell you what we can do. We can put ads online, okay, so we can say to people uh, so this is, I think, going to be the best way to get the right kind of people. So on websites where there's movies and stuff like that, you can have a picture of a nice lady and it says hot singles in your area, come to this erect tent on this day, on the 14th of whatever.
Speaker 2:I think I know where you're going with this. No, what do you mean? What do you mean? Did you genuinely mean you are going to rework that and be like this is how to attract the right kind of people? For for for your v-day.
Speaker 1:No, no, but please no, no.
Speaker 2:Hey, dylan, I'm sure I've seen you know me I've seen the adverts yeah, you know me I'm being deadly serious all right
Speaker 1:okay. So when we put our adverts online like this okay, hot singles in your area, you go to the tent. Okay. So I assume advertising this way, we are going to get a healthy mix of men and women right, because you know it's it's a nice, innocent approach. You know you could have like a picture of an old lady, for example, something that's just nice and innocent.
Speaker 1:You know it could be like a warm room because she has so much heating to pay for, so it could just be like hot, single ladies in your area for example so then everyone turns up to the, to the tent on v-day, okay, so it's all just a big group of singles, okay, and we like, we pump the the room full of like hot, hot heating, right, because we want to make sure that everyone is warm enough. Right, so everyone is super warm enough. So we kind of suggest for people that you, you, you come there and you just don't wear too much, because obviously you don't want to overheat there. We want everyone to feel comfortable. And then all these hot, hot singles go into a hot, hot tent and they all meet each other. What do you say?
Speaker 2:oh okay, so that was genuinely the idea, because I thought you know what if you start posting some ads online being like hot, hot singles? Right, I know all the 50 plus year old gentlemen with the creepy fucking they might just sing up, yeah, I reckon
Speaker 2:what you think. I reckon a bunch of creeps would pop out there, and then I thought, oh, james, I know where you're going with this. Okay, you are going to distract them this side, and then, at the same time, all the people that don't show up right go to the run club instead, and then, uh, bing bong boom okay, so we.
Speaker 1:So what you're saying is we keep all the creeps off of v-day somewhere.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, okay, okay, so, okay, so, kind of just to. To try and wrap this up valentine's day, right, we have valentine's day and we have v-day. Yes, maybe we should have something like a boxing day. Is to kind of christmas right, where it's the day after and only single people allowed out, like valentine's is their day, that's christmas day and then the next boxing day boxing day is v-day for hot, hot singles in your area yeah, okay, but I do feel, just to just to not make it confusing for anyone, like anyone else, stay indoors yeah, like okay so you know?
Speaker 2:are you gonna say children, yes, like couples and children and animals.
Speaker 3:Yeah, all them, yeah inside, and then fucking outside everywhere, singles only.
Speaker 1:Okay, right, all right, so, okay. So we've sorted valentine's day out quite well, all right.
Speaker 2:So more okay. So more relationship, love on v-day, yeah on valentine's day. On valentine's day, v-day for singles to find their valentine's for next year okay, and then?
Speaker 1:like we can. We can do events for v-day, like because the valentines can be all red and lovely and fluffy, and then v-day is, like you know, black, just freaking dark lights, seedy, hot single city where it's just like absolute debaucherous filth, like we have gladiator events there as well, just smacking people off podiums. I was naked, covered in baby oil, okay so, uh, less, less of that. I would say oh okay, yeah, yeah, okay, all right. So you're on the less side of that.
Speaker 2:Oh okay, all right, okay, we'll strike a balance, but I like the way that we are kind of reworking it. I mean, it's in workshop, we're getting there, yeah, yeah, I guess there's. There's not much you can say about mother's day and father's day.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I'm thinking of V day, no, so. So mother's day is is kind of like spas and pampering and maybe champagne, and then normally father's day seems to be like, okay, you get him, uh, some some sort of power tool and socks, like I feel that's.
Speaker 1:That's normally what a beer and a Thai massage you know depends what relationship you have with your father.
Speaker 2:If the if. Listen, if my son gets me that, I think we've got a good good relationship and just for everyone at home.
Speaker 1:Dylan doesn't have children. So don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, we will educate him on on fair, uh, parental child relationships later on in life. So don't you worry, you know that'll be fine. You win, you win, oh shit, okay. So yeah, mother's Day, father's Day. What can you do, I guess, for that?
Speaker 3:You get all the normal nonsense.
Speaker 1:I mean they get a lot of crap. Maybe there could just be an island, somewhere where mothers and fathers can go, where they can just get away from their parental duties. Okay, just like just an island where they can go. They can switch their phones off, kids can't bother them, spouses can't bother them and they can just go rage somewhere. They could just go smash a TV, you know a rage room or something like that.
Speaker 2:That's actually good, yeah, kind of really get to air out, yeah, yeah, like I'm fucking fed up with your children, your stupid face.
Speaker 1:I don't want a massage. I don't want a little freaking uh spaghetti picture of you. I just want to smash a tv in.
Speaker 2:Fuck you, you know and for those listening, james also james has kids. Uh, he hasn't seen them for four years um, this one, I thought, and, and this one kind of popped up onto the list and I might didn't know what it was.
Speaker 1:So groundhog day uh, is that the day that just repeats over and over again? Is that the film?
Speaker 2:I didn't know but it is a day that's where they wait for I don't know the groundhog. Wow, no way the groundhog and this is in the States or North America to pop out of the ground to see if it can see its own shadow. Apparently, if it can't, it goes back into the ground, which means there's six more weeks of winter and if it actually stays out, apparently it's turning spring. What the fuck right.
Speaker 1:Is this meant to be the most developed nation on earth? What? What are you talking about that?
Speaker 2:is a day and apparently, like they actually use this right on a calendar year to determine, like, when it's kind of switching over um to to spring then but it's wrong like 40 percent of the time. Yeah well, these guys still use the fucking imperial system.
Speaker 1:So we got.
Speaker 2:They're obviously going to be using crown hogs to do their whatever fucking measurements yeah, so, and again, I mean, some american uh listener can kind of pop in being like no, but uh, it's tradition, you need to understand. It's the Germans that got it. Yeah, okay, fair enough, but when, when the Germans were fucking around the Germans are really freaking.
Speaker 1:They're good at engineering, they're freaking accurate down to the millimeter. The Germans are coming and going. Ah, wouldn't it be funny to say, to pop out the groundhog whilst having idea? There's no way that the germans would think that that was a good idea, other than, for a laugh, to take the piss out of americans that's yeah, so I just thought that was pretty interesting.
Speaker 2:I don't think I've got much to say with it. Okay, so more, more, more weather science.
Speaker 1:Unless actually fucking, unless actually you, just okay, so it's groundhogs come out the ground and if they right and you're saying if the groundhogs see their own shadow or if someone sees their shadow, I guess sees their shadow, so it's to do with it's the groundhog.
Speaker 2:But apparently if the groundhog kind of stays out, then he reckons it's all good. Um, it's, it's turning spring.
Speaker 1:If it climbs back into the ground, then it's so I'm imagining like there's just, there's just a field, and then they've set up like temporary stands all around it, 100%. Everyone's just kind of staring at the ground and then one guy pops up and then it's like a, but the fact that this is a thing, though, james. And then it's like there's a countdown Five, four, three, two, and it stays, and then just fireworks.
Speaker 2:And the groundhog gets scared, then goes back into the oh, we're gonna keep it the same season.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, they can keep that one. Yeah, they can keep that one.
Speaker 2:Um, uh, april fools. I thought this. I thought the idea of whoever, and I didn't read up on the history of this, but I thought april fools. I can just imagine somebody lying or bullshitting about something and then kind of trying to justify it, being like oh no, april fools, this was my story, yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So like um, they, they pulled out someone's chair like it's a kind of joke, yeah, and the person fell back and absolutely smashed their head and like cracked their neck and paralyzed from the neck down. And everyone's like kenneth, what are you doing, kenneth, what have you? And he's like april 4th and the first time it's done just kills people. Every everyone is pissing on the floor. The guy's just kind of can't move his arms and legs. Even he's chuckling, being like kenneth. That is fucking hilarious. That is gonna going to catch on. Kenneth, you are a dog. And he was like, and everyone who saw that work. And then obviously, ever since then, people have been trying to capture that same belief of being able to do something heinous and get away with it. And maybe some people do, but maybe the original guy who just pulled out that chair paralyzed, that guy just got away with it more than anyone else.
Speaker 2:I just feel like it should be like, if you're gonna do it, do it properly, right? Not pull out the chair and be like dylan death. Is that what we said? I would, I would like that.
Speaker 1:There was um similar to how, in islamic year, there's like a moon sighting to dictate uh, what happens when, right? So things change every single year based on the moon cycles and whatnot. Okay, right, I would like there to be a similar kind of committee who focuses on groundhogs, right? They'd like, well, let's just say it's the groundhogs guy, and then so, let's say, a groundhog comes out and, I know, scratches his ass against a log, right? That then dictates that that is whatever fool's day. Okay, so, that is whatever Fool's Day.
Speaker 2:Okay, so not everyone is in the know, or you have to really stay on it to know when the Fool's Day is Okay 100%.
Speaker 1:Because April Fool's comes along right.
Speaker 1:And then all these companies pop out going, oh, we're discontinuing these crisp flavors or whatever. And it's like, yes, we get to April Fool's Snoresville, right. But let's say, the committee see that the Groundhog scratches her ass against a log, okay, so they put a tweet out. So not everyone sees it, okay, and they just start up a new account, they tweet it out, and then a few people see it right and then all of a sudden you're a crisp brand and you're like, ha, discontinuing our crisps, and people like what the fuck? No man. And then at the end of the day you're like, haha, great, groundhog, anus is fool's day, motherfucker. And then bam.
Speaker 2:I actually like that idea because, yes, knowing that today is the first of april, people run for it like I see that as companies using it as a fucking pr stunt.
Speaker 1:It's all it is and it's so lazy right, I want to see it on a random day, and people have to stay alive to it, and it's not immediately obvious that it is the day that has been dictated by the groundhogs. That it was going to be a fool's day, right? So that can be a form of groundhog day.
Speaker 1:So let's get rid of groundhog day as it is so okay, so let's so we scratch that we scratch in its, in its essence now, and we re-badge april fool's day as groundhog's day, and groundhog's day is dictated by the groundhog of when fool's day is okay because the people are looking at the groundhog now for their seasonal advice are fools okay. So it's a play on them being fools looking at groundhogs to tell them when winter's over. And then the groundhogs I mean they're sick, right, so they should dictate when. Uh, when this falls day is because people are fucking stupid, so that is when we dictate when, uh, not april falls, but groundhog falls day great, okay.
Speaker 2:Second to last one uh, because I probably have to wrap this up then. What a chaotic combination and I we've touched on this subject before like we haven't had that. It's only recently become a thing, probably the last 10 years, maybe 15 years. Back home, halloween, like a combination of where you let your kids go out and kind of take candy and sweets and treats from strangers and kind of trying to be out and about and what trick, trick, trick and or treating yes, yeah, that's how I understand it and then, at the same time, um, and I, I'm I'm not ungrateful for this, but yeah, then, um, it gives an opportunity for for heinous people to come along and be heinous. Yeah, the the people in the evening, whatever um outfits they decide to wear, um, I don't know, it turns into a slutty nurse or a slutty oh, here we go, and this is where the models came around.
Speaker 2:And then well, yeah, either way it's. Yeah, it's a pot, it's a party for the people in the evening and earlier that evening I guess it's something for the children, I don't know yeah, it's for the children or, as you said, people who are wearingaring less clothes.
Speaker 1:Well, why don't we Make Halloween serious? Okay, so, less Kids fucking around and being silly and throwing toilet paper On things and less People being relieving and showing off everything. Right, everyone is assigned A. A. They either are Dressing up for Halloween or not. Okay, so, 50% of the population get one card. Right, you are the halloweeners, right? Okay, so you are dressing up and you have to be good. Right, like good at dressing up. And then the other half are the halloweenies. Right, so these are the people that have to stay indoors and have their doors knocked on, okay, okay, then the halloweeners are given a trick or treat. Okay, so they are either out for treats or they are out to do tricks. Okay, so it could be. Just, it's randomized. Okay, so one year, you could be stuck in your house and waiting for people to either come and ask for treats or come and throw an egg in your face. Okay, so there is a firm line between what you should do and what you shouldn't do, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Makes sense so then everyone's in on board with it. It doesn't mean you have to dress up every single year, because people just do the same thing over and over again and I just don't think treats are really or sorry tricks are really used that much right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So, like you could just have, you know, you open the door and you just punch someone in the face and you're like sorry man, I've got the, I've got the trick card just sock you in the face, sock you in the fucking mouth, and that's that you know. So maybe we could just make a bit more serious, okay that's yeah right.
Speaker 2:Halloween, then, um new year's eve, new year's new year's eve. So, um, it's normally a huge party, or at least, uh, for us or in my family, a huge party, almost so big that you don't actually make the countdown itself.
Speaker 1:That is sad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so big party, everybody kind of makes promises and resolutions if that's what they're called Resolutions, resolutions, and yeah, two weeks into the year nobody sticks to them anymore. So I don't know, maybe a bit more gratitude before the party, and obviously that's maybe on paper how it's supposed to be, so maybe it's me fucking up the practice of it. But yeah, I think, a bit more gratefulness and probably a bit less alcohol.
Speaker 1:So maybe this is what I'm thinking right In the morning and everything you sleep in, right, because you need to get rest for this. So I'm thinking that a New Year's party starts at 6 pm and between 6 and 12, it's all about the year that was, and gratitude and being grateful for okay. So you're saying I did this. I went on holiday here. Uh, I went to one of those v-day tents. It was super fucking weird.
Speaker 1:Uh, I went to papua new guinea and stayed in the the best, uh the best place that there was in papua new guinea and gave it five stars, or two stars, or one star, who the fuck knows? And you, you share some ha, ha's and who who's. Maybe there's some bad things happen. You, just you do, you leave them in the year. And then 10, 9, 8, 7, 4, 3, 2, 1. Happy new year happens, bam, you leave it there. So then the next six hours from 12 till 6 am is all about planning for the new year, looking forward, bringing in some gratitude of what is to come, um, and then you start the year with a bang. That one wasn't funny, that was too serious.
Speaker 2:Maybe a good idea, um, but you know what I mean yeah, but I guess it ends on a bit more of a positive note, um or maybe, maybe it starts at 9 pm to 12 and then 12 to3 yeah, I think we're dragging out six hours of being grateful for that.
Speaker 1:You just be like you do quarter an hour.
Speaker 2:Yeah, can I be next year already?
Speaker 1:you know I'm gonna go to benidorm and, um, I'm gonna wank less. And then what? Then you've got five hours and 45 minutes of uh free time, yeah, and then what are you gonna do?
Speaker 2:all right, okay, I think we put the world to rights there. Yeah, I think let's kind of end it there, let's please, okay, fine, last one If you had to do a quick fire international day holiday, right, obviously it doesn't have to be religious what would you reckon? What?
Speaker 1:do you think the world needs?
Speaker 1:It needs, it's very simple, very quick, very easy, happens once a week, every week without fail. Primus okay, so we have a merry primus. So this is how we do the week and I and look for everyone at home. Okay, you're thinking, wow, that was quick. Well, no, this is not complete gobbledygook and tomfoolery. This is something that I believe deeply in and I'm quite surprised that dylan wasn't leading me down this path, judging by the surprise on his face. Or maybe he wasn't. He's twitching or winking, I'm not sure. So this is what I propose.
Speaker 1:The week starts tuesday. Okay, tuesday is the new monday, right t. Tuesday is the day of nothing, the day where we go. It's Tuesday and I hate it. Just one day Starts Tuesday Wednesday, hump day. We get over the hump Up to 12 o'clock. We're not having a great time After 12 o'clock. We're like I'm halfway through the day, I'm smashing it. The week is basically over. I'm over hump day. Merry hump day. Okay, we just talk about how a fantastic everything is. Maybe we hump each other, maybe not, who knows, but hump day is a good day.
Speaker 1:Thursday we scrap Thursday. Thursday is Friday Eve, the Eve of Friday Okay, very much. How. We have a Christmas Eve, which is very exciting because it's the day before Christmas, we have Friday Eve, friday rebranded Frimus. We wish you a Merry Frimus and a happy new weekend. Okay, it's not got anything to do with Jesus. Sorry, jesus, you're out of this one. This is about everyone. Everyone's included on Frimus, no matter what your age, height, colour, creed Everyone is a member of Frimus. We celebrate together, we finish work early, we go to our local constabularies and we celebrate as communities once and for all. Then, dylan, what comes next? The weekend? Saturday, we have a very merry time. We then follow with a Sunday fun day the funnest of fun days. Sunday fun day. Funnest of fun days. Sunday fun day. We're having a great time. What follows a sunday fun day? A monday fun day? Easy to brand it merch is great to just you just change one letter, easy peasy, 11, squeezy, and then you're back to uh, tuesday. And then guess what? Hump day. Hump day is great, it's shit. Till 12 after 12 o'clock you're having a
Speaker 1:great time, maybe you hump each other.
Speaker 2:Maybe you don't thursday.
Speaker 1:We've got rid of it, it's friday. My god, we're nearly at friday. Next, what comes next?
Speaker 2:mary frimas, everybody, and so on and so forth so that is what I believe I think with that very, very explanation. I've heard enough.
Speaker 3:Let the ceremonies begin.
Speaker 2:How does it go again?
Speaker 3:Drop it down low with three words of the story.
Speaker 2:Tell me your story.
Speaker 1:Fuck me, is it hot in here we're?
Speaker 3:an hour in as well. What?
Speaker 2:have we done, I think, yeah, yeah, the fact that the door's open doesn't help, oh fucking hell, I'm sweating, wasn't it like?
Speaker 1:50 degrees yesterday, so fuck knows what it is today. The air con is not on you, psychopath, and we are sweating our balls on. At least you're protecting the planet, dylan. Thank you On behalf of the world. Fuck you.
Speaker 2:I think the amount of plastic bottles. I use. I am not saving. I thought you were making a raft to be honest, why were you fucking saving that?
Speaker 1:Okay, dylan, all right, this is going to be a very delirious end to this one. I'm really just thinking could I edit half?
Speaker 3:your story as my story.
Speaker 1:Sure, maybe, right, you know what. That's how we package it. We're going to zoom through this one, right? So for my three words, okay, so I went deep into papua new guinea possibly too deep, okay, and you haven't actually said your words no, I haven't I haven't in the delivery.
Speaker 2:I am so sorry. Yeah, I'm so sorry, I didn't ask you, it's okay, don't worry about it james, what are your three words and why?
Speaker 3:I don't think you've ever said that before no.
Speaker 1:I don't think so. Yeah, that's it Right. So, dylan, who had perked me up after using the catchphrase, the three-word story catchphrase, Mine was universities phoned dubiously.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you got me with the last one. Okay, dubiously, is that fun?
Speaker 1:No, dubiously. Something that's dubious would be a, let's say, a dubious decision would be something that could have gone either way, okay. So let's say, um, there's a long jumper and let's say this is before technology, okay, and there they step on the pad and someone calls it that they stepped on the line right and it's like minuscule, with all one millimeter. They would say, oh, that was a dubious decision, not so short, so dubiously would basically be going hmm, maybe, maybe not, not certain. Okay, so for my story villain, my very interactive story, thankfully is basically, it's based on real world events. Ok, so, at the moment, for good or for bad, for good or for bad, I don't know, we're not, we're not a politics podcast. I'm not going to say whether this is a good or bad thing or not.
Speaker 1:Right, in the United States right now, universities, some of them, are being defunded. Ok, they're starting to have to pay federal tax, which didn't do before, which means they are going to have to find money elsewhere. Okay, they're going to have to think outside the box a little bit. Okay, anyone else can make decision, whatever that is, but that's the reality of the world that we sit in right now. Okay, so I'm thinking how can they think outside the box? How can they appeal to more people to come to their university and study?
Speaker 2:okay, does that make sense? Yes, good singles day singles every day.
Speaker 1:So I'm thinking, dylan, right, you are going to be one of the university spokespeople, okay, you are going to be someone who, uh, is going to wrangle people in into the university and you are going to arrange courses as and when. Right, because at the moment, you've got physics, you've got your maths, you've got your whatever right, but we need to appeal to more people now, because these people may be going to a different country, okay, so I'm going to be phoning you, okay, and I'm going to give you some, some things of you know what I might like, what I'm like, you know who I am as a person or whatever it may be, and you are going to find a course, you are going to create a course and you're going to sell it to me okay, are you sure you want to go down this?
Speaker 1:road. I mean, this is where we look. We'll see where it goes.
Speaker 2:We'll see where it goes, and then we might just edit it out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean we are at one hour. One hour and three minutes starting this story that that takes a bit of pressure off.
Speaker 2:That means I can stick, stick. Well, I can keep this two minutes.
Speaker 1:I don't know my testicles are swampy right now, so I don't know what is left and right and up and down. Okay, so I'm gonna use your genuine uh knowledge, your real world knowledge, for this. Okay, so, don't worry, you're gonna have to be thinking too far, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna try and hone in on your skills, okay, what you know as a person, and then you can create a course what the, what, the core subjects would be, and maybe you can educate me on the phone and I will tell you if I'm subscribing to your university, big d's university. That's what we're going for. So, phone's ringing, pick it up.
Speaker 2:Pick it up, dylan. Hello, hello, sorry, my name's not Dylan.
Speaker 1:My name's not Dylan. Wait, am I?
Speaker 2:calling you.
Speaker 1:No, I called you. Is this university, big D's university, big D's university.
Speaker 2:So why did you say Dylan?
Speaker 1:hello, my name's not Dylan, my name's Dylan. Oh, not Dylan, my name's Dylan. Oh, hi, dylan, you're the Dylan Big Dylan's.
Speaker 2:University. It's a one-stop shop. We try and keep it as flow-effective as possible.
Speaker 1:Wow, I mean, this sounds like a really good university for being so flow-effective. Well, mr Dylan, I'm phoning you because I've seen that your university, specifically, is really catering towards their students and what they might need. Ok, so I'm I'm interested in learning about fighting. Ok, so I want to. I want to do some fighting, I want to rock them, I want to suck them, you know, and I want to freaking want to do some fighting. I want to rock them, I want to sock them, you know, and I want to freaking beat down, but I also want to know the history of the fight that I'm I'm understanding right. Do you have any courses like that big d's university? Or, you know, will I go elsewhere, like something stupid like harvard?
Speaker 2:no, uh, so I actually know the instructors at Harvard and what they have as like extracurriculars we have as a full time subject, martial arts in general. So you have different facets of the sport and then we'll help you with each one of those, whether it be ground game, standing up ground and pound.
Speaker 1:It sounds like a V-Day that I went to pretty recently, you know what.
Speaker 2:It might just be one of the same.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'm going to be joining this course. Okay, what would be your best martial art that you could give me? What would you wrestle and tussle with me?
Speaker 2:with as a base. I think a stand-up game would be great okay and what's a stand-up game stand-up game yeah, um, it's always helpful getting you out of a situation being able to, because again play we.
Speaker 1:It's a we. We is a stand-up game, right, but we sports, you know you do bowling and tennis. Is that a stand-up game?
Speaker 2:I would not call that a stand-up game. Okay, okay, but humor is a very important part, and being able to speak, because you know what the best battles are won without fighting. So if you can talk some shit yes, and we use the word shit if you can spew some shit, get yourself out of the situation, then that's number one. Goal number one. Number two if it comes to an altercation, then, yes, we one goal, number one. Number two if it comes to an altercation, then yes, we would have to to. Then, uh, kind of switch it up, but, yeah, stand-up game. I was actually referring to um, a martial arts style where you are on your feet and you work more towards strikes and kicks, and um then and I know, I'm not exactly sure what everybody else's stats are on this, but they are like listen, 60, 70% of the fights end up on the ground. So you'll need to have a good ground game as well. But those are our three facets of the course.
Speaker 1:So the first facet I'm talking toboggan to people right Toboggan, tobog'm talking toboggan to people, right?
Speaker 2:so I'm talking. So, yes, being able to get yourself out of or de-escalate. Okay, then to stand up. Game three uh, a ground game, and actually, uh, I just forgot, gregory reminded me the escape game.
Speaker 1:Yes, the escape game? Yes, okay, is that like one of those rooms where, like you, find keys and codes under thing.
Speaker 2:I wish it was, but no, unfortunately. Uh, some of these situations you just bit.
Speaker 1:You just need to escape with your life and, hopefully, your phone and your wallet you're saying right, so I'm gonna turn up, because I'll go to a bar after this and try this. So I'm gonna go talk some toboggan to someone, chat some shit to someone, and then I then I'm going to stand up to them. I'm going to stand up with them and play a game, so maybe like Street Fighter, mortal Kombat, like a stand-up game like that, and then we're going to just ground and pound each other. So I'm going to pound the guy on the floor and then I'll go to an escape room and try and get out.
Speaker 2:I guess usually within 60 minutes, is that correct? The majority of these would be reactive and not proactive. So no, you can't go out and look for shit, just for the sake of looking for shit okay well, how does?
Speaker 1:it work. So, uh, let me, let me get the shit so in this course. Then I'm just sat there waiting for something to happen at any one time.
Speaker 2:No, in real life, you are waiting, waiting or are ready, more so for something to happen, um, in case it does happen, but other than that, no, hopefully don't don't go out looking for trouble, because you might just find it okay, and and out the standing games.
Speaker 1:What would you recommend? So pac-man is a favorite of mine, and then, I think, mortal kombat. I mean it's technically fighting as well, and obviously you can finish them, which I guess relates to the ground up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can finish. Actually, I would recommend Tekken above Mortal Kombat.
Speaker 1:Okay, Hadouken Any particular reason.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but more realistic what? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Wait, you're telling me, so hang on a minute.
Speaker 2:So you're telling me A jaguar and a person can be the same. Yeah, yeah, well, I'm talking about yeah, yeah, yeah, so so that's okay, right?
Speaker 1:so you're telling me, in mortal combat, when you break several of their vertebraes in slow motion and their teeth, spit out their mouth, and then you impale them through the heart and they keep on fighting afterwards, that's not realistic. No, no, I don't think I want to do your course then. Thank you very much, goodbye, thank you, bye-bye. Well, well done, dylan. Okay, well, I'm not so much. Well done.
Speaker 2:You've just lost potential Because, well, that guy was a weirdo anyway, so it's fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we'll see what the next guy's about, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, Big D's University. This is Gregory.
Speaker 1:Hi, gregory. How are you today? Are you doing well, gregory, gregory.
Speaker 2:Mrs Phyllis.
Speaker 1:Ah, yes. I think I'll find it, mr Phyllis, there sir.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry about the voice.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm not a lady there, Mr Gregory. How would you like it if I called you a Mrs Now, my fine sir, Now are you the university as really kaisering to your students, am I correct?
Speaker 2:Yes, that is correct. I do my best to either help myself or then to show you to the departments that be able to help.
Speaker 1:Oh well, that I do say is excellent. Mr Gregory, now I have some special talents that I'm wondering if you could help me get a certain degree into. Now I am quite the nimble masseuse. I do declare that I am. So I'm wondering if you do say some masseuse therapy diplomas over there?
Speaker 2:We sure do. We offer shorter courses, and then we have year and two-year courses.
Speaker 1:So are the shorter courses done on midgets, say, or little people, or are we talking about the time span?
Speaker 2:no, we cater to everyone, but we aren't talking to time span.
Speaker 1:Yes, we're talking to time span, so I would say there is no different technique if you are doing on a little person, say to a six foot nine nba player, it would be in proportion.
Speaker 2:So, yes, if you look at the length of and you where you might have moved two centimeters up on four centimeters on the nba player, it would now be two centimeters on the uh, the slightly uh, vertically challenged person I see, because my issue now, gregory, that I must tell you when I'm masseusing, please don't is, I do tend to close my eyes when I'm masseusing.
Speaker 1:So the difficulty is, if it's uh, let's say, a large fellow, I do need to know the sizes that I'm dealing with, because obviously, if I'm massaging an NBA player, say, in a sports fashion, I could be at the back of his knee and then maybe on someone else, I could be above their head, you know, and that would not make a great masseuse and I obviously want to have the highest degree of masseusing. And now, mr gregory, what kinds of massages do you teach over there?
Speaker 1:fuck, it's getting hot in here I was saying sorry, talking about massage is one body. It does make it awfully hot in here, so what most people, my most conscious, it's not quite full body.
Speaker 2:Okay, just to be clear. Yes, we don't specialize on glutes and certain private areas.
Speaker 1:Well, I, must say, Mr Gregory, that the glutes are most rootness, tootness, tightness of areas. So I'm not sure about your facilities if you're not massaging one of the biggest muscles there are on the body.
Speaker 2:So we actually have specialized machines for that, um, and we leave that to to those, whereas I thought you were just referring to to the special uh, I'm gonna say it handwork class that we have. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And now what would be?
Speaker 2:included in the handwork department? Well, everything besides the glutes and the other private areas.
Speaker 1:The private areas.
Speaker 2:Yeah, now what would that be?
Speaker 3:Fuck off. Okay, if you can't come to the university. It's fine.
Speaker 2:Take your money and leave.
Speaker 1:Now I have heard on the grapevine that you do have a pediatrician massage section.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know what, mr Phyllis, I expected this from you, right.
Speaker 1:What I mean is, you know, Is it a pediatrician with the To do with the feet like a podiatrist? Is that a pediatrician? Or with the feet Like a?
Speaker 4:podiatrist. Is that a pediatrician? Or have I got my works mixed up?
Speaker 1:What I mean is like a podiatrist that deals with your feet. I hope you didn't think. I meant anything else of the sort. You know what I'm saying there, Mr Gregory. I get them switched up I get them switched up, I I probably I'll let you do your research there, gregory, and you could probably you could probably look at the clever word play that I have really worked in there yes yes, yes so yeah, we offer you do specialize.
Speaker 2:We do everything and anything uh, animals, people, um children, uh feet, uh certain food, um we, we are. We actually experiment. We've got a great experimental program. Uh, don't worry, it's all consensual, we do that as well. So, whatever question, yes, we've got it. And if you ask, and if you had a certain budget in mind, yes, we will do it at that budget as well. And yeah, anything you might need, please send us an email, as my airtime is running low. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, I'll send you an email from my email, mr phyllis long dong, silver 69 at gmailcom. Thank you very much for your time, thank you, mr Phillips, bye oh fuck, I'm sweating my twat off in here. Oh my god, this is going to be such a ball ache to edit. I am so sorry, even if this makes a right day, like we have a pretty good system going on, and then the heat has destroyed this one 50 degrees. Ladies, gentlemen in here, um, I am dehydrated, uh, I am. I am absolutely fucking dismayed right now.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, right, okay. Well, dylan, where are?
Speaker 2:we going to find our next three words next time? Yeah, okay, all that I have in front of me is a pedantry, because I couldn't fucking spell Pedantry, but that's a completely different story.
Speaker 1:We'll stay away from that next. Where are we going to stay next time? Right, where would be? Let's find somewhere where we'd find an underground civilization, somewhere where the entrance to an underground civilization would be and what that civilization might fucking look like. Alright, okay, and let's completely look at ourselves in the mirror and think what the fuck went on on this episode of Three Word Story. Let the ceremonies begin.
Speaker 3:Drop it down low with Three Word Story.
