BeTempered
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BeTempered
BeTempered Episode 75 - What Do You Do After the Final Goodbye? Rebuilding through faith one step at a time.
When someone says, “Brian’s dead,” life divides into a before and an after. For Chuck Winings, it divided twice. What began as an ordinary Super Bowl Sunday became a season of heartbreaking loss. First came the passing of his father. Soon after came the fight no family is ever ready for, when his wife Rhonda was diagnosed with triple negative metastatic breast cancer. On BeTempered, hosted by Dan Schmidt and Ben Spahr, Chuck opens his heart and tells the story from the very beginning: high school sweethearts, a surprise third child, years spent teaching and coaching, and the long road of hospitals, hope, and hard decisions.
This conversation takes you inside the moments most people never see. Chuck talks about the diagnosis delivered on a blank sheet of paper, the infusion days filled with silent prayers, and the moment the word “curable” slipped away. Through it all, Rhonda remained a teacher. She wrote notes for the future, made plans for the children, and showed what love looks like when it prepares to let go. Chuck explains why honesty with his kids mattered more than pretending to be strong, and how trust was built by telling the truth, even when it hurt.
He shares how their community stepped in, not with answers, but with presence. Meals left at the door. Friends who sat in silence. Small signs that felt like messages from above. A lone cardinal on a beach fence. A quiet breeze when he needed one most. These moments stitched a fragile thread of comfort through unbearable days.
You will hear about the strength of his children. Theo calling every day just to check in. Gavin choosing to wear his mother’s number eight and making a play he still believes she was part of. Emma asking simple questions that cut straight through the noise of adult grief. These stories are not about tragedy, but about the proof that love continues in those who remain.
We also talk about the part of loss no one prepares you for. The mornings that feel like climbing out of concrete. The day Chuck realized he was stuck in a hole. The first walk he took just to breathe. The decision to speak goals out loud, including 75 Hard, because sometimes choosing discipline is the only way to choose life again.
This episode is not about having the right words. It is about standing when your legs shake. It is about fathers trying to be anchors for their children when they feel like they are drifting. It is about carrying a legacy forward without letting it crush you. If you have ever whispered, I am not okay, or wished someone would simply check on you, this conversation is a hand on your shoulder.
If this story reached you, do not carry it alone. Share it with someone who needs proof that hope can survive heartbreak. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us what keeps you going when life hits hardest.
Support and connect at Patreon.com/BeTempered
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SPEAKER_05:I want to share something that's become a big part of the BTemfered mission: Patreon. Now, if you've never used it before, Patreon is a platform where we can build community together. It's not just about supporting the podcast, it's about having a space where we can connect on a deeper level, encourage one another, and walk this journey of faith, resilience, and perseverance side by side. Here's how it works. You can join as a free member and get access to daily posts, behind-the-scenes updates, encouragement, and some things I don't always put out on other platforms. And if you feel called to support the mission financially, there are different levels where you can do that too. That support helps us keep producing the podcasts, creating gear, hosting events, and sharing stories that we believe can truly impact lives. And here's the cool part. Patreon has a free app you can download right on your phone. It works just like Facebook or Instagram, but it's built specifically for our community. You'll be able to scroll through posts, watch videos, listen to content, and interact with others who are on the same journey. At the end of the day, this isn't just about content, it's about connection. It's about building something together. Not just me and men putting out episodes, but a family of people committed to growing stronger through real stories and real faith. So whether you just want to hop on as a free member or you feel called to support in a bigger way, Patreon is the door into that community. Because at the heart of Be Tempered has always been simple. Real stories, raw truth, resilient faith, so that even one person out there that hears what they need to hear, and Patreon helps make that possible.
SPEAKER_06:Welcome to the Be Tempered Podcast, where we explore the art of finding balance in a chaotic world.
SPEAKER_03:Join us as we delve into insightful conversations, practical tips, and inspiring stories to help you navigate life's ups and downs with grace and resilience.
SPEAKER_06:We're your host, Dan Schmidt, and Ben Sparr. Let's embark on a journey to live our best lives.
SPEAKER_03:This is Be Tempered.
SPEAKER_06:What's up, everybody? Welcome to the Be Tempered Podcast, episode number 70.
SPEAKER_03:We'll go five. 75.
SPEAKER_06:Good guess, Ben. Thank you. Good guess. We were just talking here earlier how uniquely things work out, you know, when you're not necessarily planning on a certain guest or an individual to come in and share their story. How sometimes things just happen. And that's that's today. This the story today is one I knew part of, not in the depth that we're going to hear it and not in the depth that I heard last week. But um it is a powerful story. I think it's one that a lot of people can relate to. And um I'm excited for Chuck Winings to be with us here today on the Be Tempered Podcast. So welcome, Chuck.
SPEAKER_02:Welcome, Chuck. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
SPEAKER_06:So, Chuck, I I don't know if we want to start. I we want to start off with your with your story growing up, but I kind of would like to start off how things have transpired the last couple weeks. Because I think that kind of that kind of sets everything up, and then we'll get into your story. So if you would maybe talk about a couple Fridays ago, kind of how how that day transpired for you, and that'll lead to where we're at today.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Well, first of all, thank you guys for having me. Incredible platform you guys have. Um yeah, let uh two Fridays ago, um, I was in in the morning, I was scrolling through Facebook, waiting on Ember to get up out of bed, and fell upon your brother's uh Facebook message that shared um Sean's story of episode you know, challenge you to watch this uh episode 71. So I'm like, oh listen, give it a listen. If it's from Jeff, it's it's great. So I you know turn it on on my way to work and and I listened to it, and you know, my tragedy and and trauma kind of later in life, and his was much younger, so it really didn't correlate, but just the the name of his book resonated with me of turning pain into purpose. And I've struggled with trying to find a purpose, you know. Like I told you last Friday, I feel like a dad driving a car with my three most prized possessions in the back seat, just trying not to wreck. Stay inside the lines, just steer them where they think they need I think they need to go. So yeah, it was just that, you know, what is my purpose? And uh towards the end of the podcast, I was sitting in the in the parking lot of an account of mine, and I had a a former employee of mine who still works for for free to lay but doesn't work under me anymore. And he just sent me a text, you know, can you call me? Are you working? Can you call me? So I finished the podcast, gave him a call, and he was struggling. And he just told me, you know, I had nowhere else to turn. I I just thought to call you. And we talked. And you know, he explained what was kind of going on, and um and I may not have helped him in his you know mental state or whatever, but I helped him get time off of work. So I felt like I helped him. And it felt amazing. Like it was great. Like, well then maybe is this my purpose? Do I want to help people? So I that that day I watched multiple um podcasts. I watched Matt Roberts's and your wife's, and I had seen your dads before. Um so yeah, just you know, I got to the football game that Friday night and uh saw Ben, like I do every every home game, you know, and uh I just thanked him. Like it took a lot for me to, you know, get that out and thank you for what you guys are doing here. Like it's amazing, you know, Sean's story. Maybe not so much the story, but just the title of the book, Purpose, Purpose, Purpose. And uh it's just so happened that you walked up on us, and I was able to had the opportunity to thank you. So uh yeah, it was I felt really good. Um and those days don't come very often. And uh so yeah, it was a really good, really good weekend. Um we did some things as you know as a family, and my mom was in town. And uh you had reached out on Monday about possibly you know, sitting down, no pressure, just tell your story, talk, let me see if I can help you. Um, and maybe the podcast would be something that you could could do. And uh like yeah, let's continue on with that. So, yeah, we met Friday, and uh we're here now.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah. Well, and here's what I'll tell you. You know, Chuck, I obviously being in from the same community and and watching uh the boys your boys grow up and and actually coaching Emrah, I think a year or two and and some YAMCA basketball, you know, I I knew you, family, um, but didn't really know you.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:And so when you came into the office on Friday, I didn't know what to expect. And it, you know, for me, that's one of the things I'm trying to navigate through this whole process is, you know, I want to get to know the person, especially if I don't really know them. Um, but I don't want to be pushy. You know, I don't, I don't, you know, and it bends the same way. Like we don't want to come off to where like you've got an amazing story, you need to tell it. Yeah, you know, I I want it to be, you know, this is this is kind of therapy, right? It it's therapy for the person telling their story, but like I told you on Friday, this is also an opportunity for you to cement your legacy for future generations. You know, great grandkids, great great-grandkids are gonna be able to go back, maybe in a time of their struggle, something that they're dealing with. This will be out there forever, and they're gonna be able to go back and hear about great grandpa, great grandma, hear that story and see me at that legacy. So, you know, I think it was, I think you were in the office for two and a half hours. Yeah. And it was amazing. It was an amazing time to to sit and to listen and to kind of watch you, your transformation, and and you know, to see you, your shoulders kind of drop and relax. I think when when everything was when you got everything out, and I'm like, okay, like this, this is what it's all about. So I appreciate you um I I appreciate you having the strength to come up and thank Ben and I at the football game, because quite honestly, we wouldn't be sitting here if you didn't do that. So thank you for doing that. So all right. Now, starting from the beginning, because I think uh, you know, we like to hear everybody's story growing up because I think that that paints a picture. So talk about what life was like for you growing up as a kid.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Uh grew up in Lima, Ohio, which uh I've always had roots with Eaton. Uh my grandparents were here. Um matter of fact, how we got to Lima was my grandpa uh was transferred up to the Lima telephone company for two years. My mom met my dad, and then they moved back to Eaton. And in Eaton was always, you know, come visit grand-grandpa. Um but yeah, Lima, Ohio um was I went to city schools, kindergarten through second grade, I think it was, and then uh um my we moved to an apartment complex in Bath Township, which is eventually where I graduated high school from, Bath High School. Um, but yeah, third grade was there for like half the year, and then uh my grandparents retired and moved to Florida. Well then, you know, my mom's parents are down there, her sister's down there, her brother's down there. Let's try Florida. And and growing up, my dad really never had uh, he just kind of changed jobs every once in a while, never really had a a career is what I call it. He had jobs. Um my mom, to this day, every what I know of her is working two jobs, like always worked. And was always, it seemed like it was always with the elderly and helping. Um so yeah. I just think when you have jobs like that, you can just quit and pick up another job when you're down there. So we moved down there as a family. Um it lasted nine months. I'm assuming, you know, due to finances or um not very safe. We lived in an apartment complex there one time, it there as well. And I remember one day we were at the pool and I wanted to drive my bike back to get my baseball glove because we were all gonna play baseball. And I unlocked the door and walked in. There's a gentleman there stealing our VCR.
unknown:Uh-oh.
SPEAKER_04:So I ran back to the pool, didn't take my bike, I ran. I don't think my feet touched the floor, just flying. Somebody broke into our house. So, of course, we ran home. Yeah, somebody had ransacked the house. And come to find out when you get older, you think about it, and it was an apartment on the bottom, two on the bottom, two on top. We were the only ones living there. So it was an easy possibly. Um, but what I take from that is my dad made us feel safe when it was over. Like I think we went and stayed with grandma and grandpa, he stayed at the house in case the robber came back, right?
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:But yeah, moved back in the apartment. We were fine, felt safe. Um, I always felt safe as a cut child. Uh great parents. Um, like I said, they worked maybe not the highest paying jobs on earth, but uh uh me and my two sisters never wanted for anything. Like we got everything we wanted. It might not have been Nikes, it could have been Converse. Um, but yeah, we um my mom, like I said, worked two jobs. My dad always worked and and tried to do everything they could to get us what we needed. Um and I always felt like I was the the more biggest burden because I was the one playing baseball and basketball and football and it's the cleats, it's the gloves. We all know that, right? As have kids now, yeah. That is a financial burden, yeah, especially for parents that you know don't make a ton of money. But yeah, we uh so the Florida thing didn't work out. We moved back in with my dad's parents um for a little while, and I I was um there for fourth grade, and then we moved out and moved into a place in in uh Bath Township, back to Bath. So fifth grade, all the way through high school, is I ended up graduating from Bath. So it finally felt like that was home to us, Bath. My sister still lives there, raised her kids there. Um and we often go back a lot. I some of my greatest friends are still from there. Um great community. I got five or six buddies that we still text and talk about the glory days. Right. Um, but yeah, great town. Um loved it there. Um, and as a matter of fact, um Rhonda, who soon became my wife after high school and college and stuff, moved to Bath in seventh grade from Arkansas. So she did the sports thing, I did the sports thing, and we kindly, you know, by it was April 16th, 2000, no, 1993. So it was the end of our freshman year. You know, we had talked, went to parties together, and she finally circled yes on the note. So she finally circled yes on April 16th, 1993. So yeah, um high school was great. Um, I was not a great student. I didn't work hard at it, didn't like matter of fact, uh uh my junior year in baseball, I was ineligible. And but it didn't phase me. Like my parents didn't push me for good grades, I didn't try for good grades, I just it was just who I was, like trying to you know get in trouble, just whatever. Well then Rhonda um went on to play softball at Bowling Green State University, um, and I'm like, I'll just go there, college. So, you know, apply and get the letter back, said not accepted. No one with a 2.2 and a 16 on the ACT or is going to go to Bowling Green.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:All right, well, fine, I'll just go to Finlay. It's the closest thing to to uh um Bowling Green. I get that application back. Well, I need three recommendations from teachers. We need to, you know, place and test. And I'm like, no, I'm out. So in Lima is an Ohio State branch, I high state Lima campus, and then there was it's now called Rhodes College, but it was Lima Technical College. So I'm like, okay, I'll just go there because that's what you were supposed to do. Supposed to go to college, right? Um, well, at that time my dad was working at a uh a chain grocery store in in Lima. Well, it was called Clyde Evans, and I gotten a job there. Um well back and we played in a uh how I got to Fruit Olay. Um we played in a uh golf league together. And when I was little, he played in it forever, and I'd caddied for him. I'd pull his, you know, I'd go out there and get me a drink and I'd pull his bag on the the golf cart. And um that's the one thing like me and my dad were always together when it came to sports. Like he was never missed a game, um, helped coach, you know. Mom would get there when she could, working two jobs sometimes is difficult, but I could always count on dad to be there. Um so go off to college, well, go to college down the road. Yeah. Um, Rhonda's in bowling green. And um it happened to um we played ones I went, I went from caddy to partner. So then we played golf, you know, every Monday, five o'clock, Monday, Monday. And then uh we played golf with two guys that worked at Free to Lay. And I had seen the one guy at the group, because I was working at the grocery store as well, and I would see him, and that's kind of how we got in the league or whatever, and I asked him, I said, Is Free Lai ever higher? It's like, yeah. Next time I saw him, hey, as a matter of fact, on Saturday they're having an open house. So interview. I'll go to that. So went there, um, was interviewed by uh a lady um who worked in the Dayton facility. And she's like, Would you be interested in moving to Dayton? Because to be honest with you, they already have their guy here for Philemma. They're only hiring one, but we're also here if you'd want to go to the Dayton facility or the Westchester down in Cincinnati. I'm like, what do you say in an interview? Yeah. Heck yeah. Call me in. Well, that uh turned into the next day getting a call from them, you know, kind of doing a more personal interview with Dayton, blah, blah, blah, which then turned into you know, me finding an apartment in Vandalia, and and that's kind of where it ended up.
SPEAKER_06:Um school, school was over.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, C's and D's, while we paying for those for like to see it. You know, I had that conversation with Rhonda, you know. Um, it was do I continue to go on to college or she's like, no, go start a life for us. Go go get a job. Like, this college thing ain't for you. Yeah, isn't for you. See, ain't yeah. Um but yeah, went to work for Free to Lay and was just making money like crazy, right? You live on your own, you have a little small apartment, um, go out and get the new truck, you know, and then kind of start banking money. Well, like I said, incredible growing up. My parents were always there, always um, you know, my dad was always there for me. Mom, you know, did whatever she could to get me those converse, right? And while living down there, I remember getting a phone call from my dad, and uh I could tell it was odd. And he told me that um me and mom are getting a divorce. What do you mean? That doesn't make any sense to me. And in hindsight, you just see things as you get older and you hear stories, and it was probably warranted. Um they just kind of you know, won't get into that. But they just went separate, and I remember telling my dad on the phone, I'm like, no. Like, try. Like, try, do everything you can to make this work. Like, don't quit. A week later he's moving out, and he told me he would. He was like, Chuck, I'll do whatever I can. And then a week later he's moving out, and they moved to the divorce thing. And I held that against my dad forever. Like, you lied to me. You quit. You didn't do everything you could for us. That's the first time I ever felt let down from him. Um in you know, Rhonda gets out of college, we go on to get married, we have Theo, we're living in uh had enough money to buy a house in Englewood. And then we're sitting, Rhonda was kind of working as a waitress at uh a sports bar there in Eaton or in Englewood and then substitute teaching and stuff and just trying to find a teaching job. And I had a cousin um who lived in Eaton had called me and said, Hey, I know what Rhonda's education major is any chance she's a history teacher. Yeah, Eaton's hiring three. So she interviews, um gets the job very quick. Um so all right, finally got two full incomes, you know, Theo's one or two, it's great. She becomes the the uh varsity softball coach there. She was JV for one year, became varsity softball coach, and then at a little bit of a strain. Like I go to work, I pick up Theo from the babysitter, and it's just me and him all night. Practice games.
SPEAKER_06:And uh Can I stop you for a second? Yeah, because I want to I want to talk about you know, you glanced over a couple things with Rhonda. But you something that that struck me that you remember the date that she circled yes on the piece of paper, you know, will you be my boyfriend? Yeah. Um so can you can you back up a little bit to that? What why do you remember that? And then talk about how your relationship developed from high school, then going to college, yeah, and then you go to Dayton, she's still in college, right? Can you talk about that a little bit?
SPEAKER_04:Absolutely. Um as I you get older, and now that I've lost her, those dates are huge to me. April 16th, 1993. Changed my life. It's who I am now. Um that's made me be able to do this podcast, right? Um I wouldn't have known that at the age of you know, 14, 15, 16, whatever it was. 16. Um but yeah. Um and then, you know, when she went to Bolden Green and became an athlete and was very busy and like I was 45 minutes away, 45 minutes to 50 minutes away, and I would go up there anytime I could. You know, I was up there a lot, you know. Matter of fact, I spoke in her in her year, eulogy and I said and went to Bowling Green more than most students and got away with it for free. You know. So yeah, spent a ton of time there. Um, it actually, I think, built our relationship trust wise, and you know, um now granted, we had the ups and downs. Sure. I think we may have had a couple breakups, but it didn't last very long. Like, what am I doing? It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Like, but yeah, um, and then when I moved to Dayton, uh now it's pretty good jaunt, you know, hour and 45 minutes, two hours sometimes. Um I think a kind of a blessing that when I started with free delay, and most people do still, you always have weekdays off. I was off Tuesday, Wednesday on the route that I had gotten. And Monday when I got off work, straight up 75 to Bowling Green. And there would be multiple times where I would get up Thursday morning, three, four o'clock in the morning, and then drive back to work, you know. Um but yeah. And then on the weekends when she was free, she was coming down. Um but yeah, we spent a lot of time together, although it was a long distance relationship. Um, but like the trust I had in her and she had in me, and um I it made it work.
SPEAKER_06:And you so you guys just I mean you knew. I mean, it sounds like obviously there there were some ups and downs, but you you recognize like this is the woman that I'm gonna marry. 100%.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, that's pretty awesome. I don't know when it was, but yeah, yeah. Um there's a story. I think it was her junior year there. It was my 21st birthday. It was December of whatever year that was. Um my 21st birthday, she hosts a little party at her apartment because I knew all of them, all of her roommates. Um her one roommate, Amanda Amanda uh Ileano, we're still super close with. And her husband, Joe, me and him have got an incredible relationship. Like we go on a uh guys' trip around Finley baseball every year. Um, so still super strong relationship with them. Um Mandy was the partier, Rhonda wasn't. Rhonda would go out, whatever, but she would much rather just chill at home. So we had that's why we kind of had a little thing at the apartment. And Mandy's like, I'm going out. I'm going with you. So I'd go out with her. And no, I didn't go out with her. Rhonda told me, she didn't tell me no, but she told me that probably wouldn't be a great idea. Well, then I Mandy had left, and then uh like, all right, I'm gonna join uptown. I'm gonna go find Mandy. So she had told me where she was going. So, you know, I remember walking into the bar and she was sitting in the back and she just looked up and she's like, nah, we're going home. I'm feeling the wrath of Rhonda. You know. So on our walk back, we passed a Christmas tree farm. What better way to give Rhonda a Christmas tree? So I took one. And I'm carrying it back to the apartment, and she it was a three-story apartment where she lived in the basement, and I carried that thing down into the basement. And yeah, I mean, it's two o'clock in the morning. Like, look, honey, what I got you. And she just looked at me, she goes, get rid of it. It's you or the tree. So I take the tree back upstairs and throw it in the backyard. Um, and then I woke up the next morning to her vacuuming all the needles up.
SPEAKER_06:Oh, I bet. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:So then I think that's when I'm like, all right, it's time. Yeah. Yeah, because uh I ended up in uh asking her to marry me on her 21st birthday the next year in September.
SPEAKER_06:Okay. That's awesome. That I I just wanted to kind of lay the groundwork because you glossed over that date and uh you know, in my mind, I knew it was pretty powerful. So I fast forward back to Rhonda's now teaching at Eaton and she's coaching softball. Yep. And you've got young Theo as a baby. Yep. Talk about life and and where you go from there.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, we uh I remember sitting down with her and like, all right, listen, I don't want to be a single dad because that's what I felt like during the season. I would go to games to just, but you know, you go to a game and it's an hour and a half before she gets home because bus got from from Bellbrook back to Eaton back and she's 10 o'clock at night. And so uh I remember telling her, I said, we're moving to Eaton, we're moving a lock and granted I'm getting a boat. Took me 20 years to get a boat. Yeah, we moved to uh to Eaton, um, and uh it's where we met the most powerful people in my life now, Chad and Mandy Tinsman. Kind of our first friendship, you know, Chad was a teacher in history, uh, and then Mandy was the art teacher. And we just you know had a bond there. We did a lot of stuff together. We raised our kids together, you know, Reed and Theo. Oh you know, it's Theo 20 class 22, Reed 23, and then Gavin 25. And you'd think all three of them are brothers, you know. Um, and then uh yeah, we just we grew up camping, like you know, three years later we have Gavin. Um and then you know, it's the four of us, like we got the world by the neck, right? It's the life's good. Life's good. We're camping, we're going on vacation, we're going like just an incredible journey through life. And uh we were or Rhonda's parents own a condo in Surfside Beach, which is just south of Myrtle Beach, and we would go there frequently. And uh we were there one year, and Rhonda's thing was margaritas, she loved them. Um and we went to Margaritaville one night, and and we go and Orange Water and Margarita. I just don't feel well. Stomach don't feel great. Okay, I'm gonna have one. You know and now I know this because it's over. On our way home, we stopped at Walgreens because her stomach hurt. And uh the next day we go to the pool at the condo, the kids come back, we eat lunch, and they're all laying down, and I'm kind of laying down too, and she goes, Hey, come here. And uh I walk back to the bathroom and she shows me a pregnancy test. This is eight years later, after Gavin? I said, My first question was, how? She said, uh, do I really need to explain that to you? But yeah, um I th we laid in bed and just thought, what just happened? And of course, her like ability to destabilize us and like this is gonna be great. I promise you one thing. Don't ever call her a mistake or make it a joke about you know eight years later. This was our plan, like we're good. So yeah, I don't think I talk for another six hours. Um but yeah, um, then we had Emma, which has been you know, fascinating. You know, you know, she's now ten, but you know, the you know, Theo's twenty two and she's ten and um they have a great relationship. But uh sometimes Emma thinks Theo's mean and Gavin's mean, but they'll always give her a hug. They'll always, you know. Play catch with her Gavin helped her with her homework when I struggled to do math because the student thing. But yeah. And then life really went sideways. It was February 13th, 2022. Most of you people think of that as the Bengals going to the Super Bowl. Right? Yeah. And a typical Super Bowl Sunday, you know, the kids were at home. You know, Theo had his girlfriend over. We're just hanging out, right? I put some chicken wings in the smoker, and uh I remember taking them out, putting them in a container, because it's around 4, 4:30, getting ready to eat before the game starts. And I was washing my hands and I remember having a hood up because it probably chilly out or whatever, right? It's February. Had a hood up, and I was at the uh kitchen sink looking out over the water there in Locking Gren and washing my hands from all the junk on my hands, and I felt a hand go over my shoulder, and and uh Rhonda said to me, Brian's dead. And I said, My dad? She said, Yeah. And I don't even remember the next 30 minutes to an hour. Like I collapsed on the floor, like, no, like, what do you mean? So, you know, kind of gather yourself and and uh we asked uh I asked Ronda to tell Allie to go home and then we told the boys, and like it just didn't make sense. Obviously, death doesn't, right? Right. Um but over the next couple months I beat myself up because I always kept my dad at a distance. I didn't want him back in because he lied to me, right? You you told me you'd uh do everything you could to keep our family together and you you didn't. And I kept thinking of that, thinking of that, and thinking of that, and I'm like, and I beat myself up. Like I had a rough two to three months. Like, now I'm asking the question, why was I that way? Um, but then that quickly, quickly turned um to one April, early April morning, when uh the routine was Ronna got up first, got in the shower, she got out, I got up, got in the shower, and that day I walked out and she was just staring at her closet, which was somewhat abnormal, you know. So I made the joke, you know, can't find an outfit today, you know. She turned around and and told me, said, I can't keep this from you anymore. I need you to feel something, and it was a lump in her breast. And I she said, I have I can't keep this from you anymore because I have an appointment today and I need you to go. What kind of appointment? Oh, or to the biopsy phase already. I truly think she had knew she obviously was going to doctors and had seen doctors, and and I think she truly hit uh hid that from me because of what I was going through. Um she always seemed to put me first. Um, but yeah, um she's like, I need you to drive me, we're going to get a biopsy. Okay. So I had tons of questions. Like, so I called my boss, hey, not gonna be in today. It was in Troy. So on the way there, I started to ask questions, and I'm thinking to myself, why am I asking these questions? Like, it's in fair to her, like, because I wanted to know how far along are we on this stuff, but I kind of shut my mouth and we went and she had the biopsy, and as she came out, um, we drove home, and uh she's like, I have cancer. Like, once again, why? How's this happening? Um very quiet drive home. But like, okay, so we get a phone call. And obviously, a girl did the biopsy, didn't really say you can't say you have cancer, it's okay, here's what's next. So we got a call from Dr. Vosser's office on the way home and asked if we could come in, and we went in and we sat down with uh the nurse practitioner there, um, and she told us that came back positive, it's breast cancer. So timing at maybe next couple days or so, um, we're going to go meet with um an oncologist at Kettering Medical Center, Cancer Center. So we go in, sit down, and you know, the anxiety and the nervousness of okay, what do we have here? And the doctor came in and sat down. She had a blank piece of paper, and she literally wrote, All right, there's three steps to breast cancer, three different tentacles, I guess. I don't sorry, I don't know, try to forget the phrases. Right. Um and she said, the first one, you're negative. Second one, you're negative, the third one, you're negative. It's great. Except for cancer. Triple negative metastatic breast cancer. Worse you can get. And she, you know, laid out a path of what we're doing in the whole, like, I don't even know what she said. I'm sure Rhonda didn't either. But we heard the one thing at the end, she says, this is curable. All right, strap on the boots, let's go. Um, she laid out the path, it was 13 weeks of chemo, um, double massectomy, radiation, because it had spread to her lymph nodes. And the goal was, you know, during the first chemo portion, was to stop the growth of the tumors, stop the spread, and hopefully shrink them. Then we can do surgery. All that worked perfectly. She had surgery. Um, and normally when you once you have something like that, it's like a six-month period before you can go have another PET scan and find out if it's spread or anything like that. But um one of the nurses there said there was a new um type of way to figure this out faster, blood spinning, some crazy stuff, right? So we enrolled in it. Um I think it was three weeks after you know the the dolmosectomy, and she was um hoping to go back to work and all that good stuff, and she ended up going back to work like crazy. Um but she worked but by that she worked all the way through chemo. Like, and I think I told you, I've told many people you would have never known she had cancer except for the fact she didn't have hair. Like, and I think that helped our kids and me, right? Work tough as nails. We got this, you know, when you write on that paper and it says it's curable, but it's a 30% chance of a five-year survival rate, it didn't matter, we heard curable, like um acted tough. And I and I truly believe that that helped our kids because they never really saw their suffer. Um, because she was, you know, every night it was at once they go to bed, it's you know, I can finally let my guard down and relax. But um the one thing we promised each other during that whole cancer, you know, treatment and and the surgeries and all that stuff, we were honest with the kids, like told them, here's what's next, here are the side effects, here are how mom's gonna feel when she's done, you know, the losing of the toenails, the losing of the hair, the change in color of your you know, your skin, and and but we always told them we're fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting. And uh you look back at this now, and not one of the kids ever asked, is she gonna be okay? They knew she was gonna be okay. So the surgery um comes back. Her first test came back with cancerous spread. All right. Back to the doctor. Um it spread to the liver. We didn't get the curable thing. Um the doctor left the room and we just sat there because she gave us two options. We can give you some more chemo. It's old, it's out of date, that's why we started with these things. Um but we can try that or we can try a clinical trial at a high state. So we talked about it, and you know, you think about it now, did we do we choose wrong? You know, like should we have went with the old stuff and prolonged our life to where maybe a new clinical trial would have come along? So again, you know, post her passing, that regret, grief, like set in. But we decided to go on with the the clinical trial. Um, so we go and sign your life away, right? Like, as a matter of fact, when we get there, we sat with the doctor and uh he's like, Yeah, there's no cure for this. Like your doctor in Kettering said, Yes, you can do the old school medicine, may prolong you for a little while. Um, but um we also have these two clinical trials, and the one he was on the board of, so kind of trusted that. All right, you're really gonna work hard for this. So we we did that one. Um she got her first treatment, and uh the treatment was over an eight-hour span. They just gave you a little bit of drugs, a little bit of drugs, and every time they had to wait to see if a side effect would kick in. And with this drug, there was, I think, 10 or 12 different syringes there, and they were all geared towards counteracting a side effect. So obviously, the longer you can take the drug, you get into hour five and six, it's working. No side effects, no side effects, no side effects. That last dose is she went in, they gave it to her. She got unhooked, we were leaving, and then her body shut down. Like it was shaking, freezing, a side effect. They come rushing back in and start pumping her with the one syringe syringe. Yeah. Kind of calmed down, everything was good. Um, you know, even the doctor then said, you know, it's great that you made it all the way through. So it was an eight-hour day. Come back in three weeks. So we came back in three weeks, and uh, every time you go get any kind of treatment, they check your blood and all that good stuff. And uh her blood levels were through the roof. And part of the trial was, you know, this drug is either going to destroy the cancer in your liver or it's going to accelerate it. Um so accelerated it. And uh that next treatment we couldn't get it because the doctor said, if I give you this, you will die today. So let's, you know, we've had some trials in this that they skyrocket but then come back down. So let's we'll see you back in three weeks. That three weeks was hell. And that drive home that day was the first time that Rhonda, I think, felt defeated. Like, this isn't gonna work. So we're driving back from Columbus, and she says to me, I don't need you to talk. I'm gonna tell you what we're gonna do next. And it was we're getting our finances in line, we're getting our living will updated, like the hard conversations. I'm trying to drive on 70, like I can't see. I'm not sure how we got back. It seemed like that drive was five hours. But she just said, just hammered. She had a notepad, this is what we're doing. And then it's the teacher in her, right? This is the the assignment. Um, and then at the end she said, There's two things I need you to do is make Gavin's senior year and graduation amazing, and make sure Emma knows that I'm her mom. And that's when I like, really, this is happening. So we had stents to the ER due to severe back pain because the cancer was really just blowing her liver up. She had gained weight. Um Rhonda was always very uh thin and she couldn't get pants buttoned. She was just in but in denial of it, like so much so that she was going to the first day of school. Like she was going to orientation. Or not orientation, what is that? The parent open house. Open house, open house. It's it was a Tuesday, and I remember that Monday night, um she was in severe pain. Kids didn't know it. Theo's off to school in college at Finley and Theo's, or Gavin's, you know, just a junior living life, and then Emma's eight years old, you know, playing and has nowhere in the world and all that good stuff. And it was that Monday night. She had taken a nap, um, and she woke up, and it's the first time that I thought I saw her, and I thought, she was yellow. Like I could tell something wasn't right. So I do the dumb thing of on Google. What's the final stages of cancer? And she had all of them. That Monday night I didn't sleep. Went to work the next day, and uh I called her. She didn't answer. It's about eight o'clock. She should be up, she didn't answer. Now I'm all the way over in Enan, Ohio, which is about you know 45 minutes from home, an hour, and it's she's not answering. And then I thought to myself, she's dead. In bed. She normally, when I got up from bed, she would always move, you know, have a good day, nothing. She was asleep. And I was, and I had a severe panic attack, anxiety, like, how do I get home? I was frozen in a parking lot of an account, like Gavin or Em her gonna find her. I don't remember how I got home. I remember pulling off the side of the road a couple times just to gather myself, and I pulled into the parking lot of Walmart and Eaton. And crazy, I often pull back into that parking spot. I know exactly which one it is. When you're going through cancer, you have a tremendous supporting group. Like the family have been amazing, like friends. To this day, I tell Chad Mandy all the time, and I don't I know they appreciate it and I know they realize it, but like I don't know where I would be without them. But like I didn't want help. We had this, we got this, and I remember calling my sister and telling her my wife was dying. Like, I need help. And she's like, you need to call Sherry. And that's Rhonda's mom, who is an angel on earth. Like, I could call her right now and say, Hey, I need you to go pick up Amber from school, and she would drop everything she does and go do it. Um so I called her and I said, I need you. I need you here. She goes, I'm all on my way. So I get home, I walk into the living room of her fully dressed for orientation or open house, showered, ready to go open house, arguing with Gavin over him not signing up for CCP classes in time. So it's okay, we've we're here. So I'm pacing around the house because they're still butting heads about why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that? You know, you know, and Gavin's completely numb of it. Like, oh no, you know. So Gavin then storms off. They get him signed up, storms off to the back to the bedroom, and he gets ready for a football practice. And um I remember Rhonda saying to me, she said, Why are you home and why'd you call my mom? And that's when I told her I'm scared. Like, I can't do this anymore. I need help. And she goes, I'm scared too. I said, So we're both in agreeing, so we're not going to open house? She said, No. I so it took some convincing for her not to go. Um, but she's like, Yeah, I don't. And that's when I I wouldn't say she gave up, but I think that's when it was it. She wouldn't change her clothes, laid on the couch, I think slept most of the day. I got up, took the kids to open house. Um, and uh I was uh Wednesday, Thursday kind of went by, and you know, we're just struggling to get through those days. And that weekend, I'd we called the family, you know, why don't we all just have a cookout? Bring everybody back here. And at that time, Ron was pretty weak. Um, wasn't really eating much. Um, but um well that Friday, uh sorry, scoop back that that Friday we had went to Ohio State um to do a scan of her liver just to see the progression, and we did that, and um we she had that appointment, and then like at three o'clock in the afternoon, we met with the doctor about the scan. And she was like couldn't sit, constantly moving, just the pain, and she was not one for medicine. Um so it was a very painful day for us. I remember um we went to eat lunch, tried to eat lunch at Panera Bread, and we order, we get our food, and we sit down, and she's like, I can't sit here. So she goes back to the car, and I'm just sitting there with two meals, and then she texts me, she goes, We need to go to the ER. So that food is still at Panera Bread, as far as I know. So we call the, we she goes, Well, let me call the doctor first. So she calls the doctor, yep, just come straight here. And uh we went in, got with the doctor, and he said uh uh the liver scan came back. Um I think it's I think it's time to prepare for the worst. And then still, when I just say that out loud, I'm like it just doesn't I'm numb. And Ronda said, How long do I have? And he said, month, week, maybe days. And we went from that room to her succumbing to morphine. Like, so they gave her morphine to go home with. We drove home and she was asleep the whole way. Um it's another, you know, can't see straight, drive home, eyes just trying to figure out what the heck am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? It was all about what was I gonna do, and you know, in hindsight, thinking, how selfish is that? Like, so we get home, um, she goes to the bedroom, I get her in the bedroom, she falls asleep, and that's when, you know, let's have the family for the weekend. Because we were going home because there was no beds available at the James for any patients because he was sending her to the ER just for comfort, comfort care. And couldn't, there's no beds, so she's like, okay, we can wait around here for a bed, but no, I'm gonna go home. Theo's coming home from college. Let's have a weekend with the family. So family comes in, and uh she was so out of it. I was giving her, you know, every four hours, six hours or whatever is the morphine. And I remember Emma asking me, what's wrong with mom? She's super tired. This last treatment, you know, really took a toll on her because it was true. I felt good about that. And the boys, once again, never ask questions, you know. And I always, you know, you don't want to lie to them, but you you want to be transparent and you know, all that good stuff. And it was the first time I kind of skirted the story of because of Rhonda's mom had said, Where's her medicine? It's time. And she's looking at the bottom, she goes, Do you cut these pills in half? I said, No, just give her one. Well, it says here on the label, you're supposed to cut them in half. So I'm pumping her full of 20 milligrams of morphine when she's supposed to be getting 10. So then that was my story. I could tell the kids. You know, dad's trying to drug mom, trying to make light of it. And well, that weekend, good weekend. Um she obviously didn't do much, didn't eat much, but so much family around, it felt good. And we were going to the doctor Monday morning to get us into the hospital here in Kettering. That Sunday night, um, my selfish self again all night long, just get to tomorrow. Just get don't let this happen tonight. Don't let this happen tonight. And we were in bed, we were on the couch, we were in the recliner, she was on my side of the bed, like just she couldn't get comfortable. And I managed to fall asleep at three or four o'clock, and she mumbled something. I have no idea what she said, but I took it as I love you. And it's really the last time we spoke. So it's Monday morning, you know, Sherry and me are helping her to the car because she can hardly walk, get her to the hospital. Um, and I we were going to the hospital to have, because the we met with the oncologist, and she's like, okay, let's get you in the hospital, let's go in to see if we can do something with the liver to, you know, open up the biles to release some of that just to release some pressure. So that was the next thing we were doing. So I was able to tell the kids we're gonna have a procedure on the liver and explain it to them. Okay, cool. Well, that was Tuesday, and they couldn't do it. The biles were or the the ducts in our liver were completely closed with cancer. Literally didn't have a liver left, it was all cancer. So then turned to, okay, I gotta face this with the kids. Call my brother-in-law Bob, who's a superintendent up in defiance, and his wife's Rhonda's sister. Um I need you to go get Theo from college. I need you and Melissa to be here at the hospital. Okay. I'll take care of it. Give me Coach Palm, his baseball coach's number. I'll call him, we'll get Theo. We'll be there in two hours. And I'm just sitting by the bed holding around his hand, and I phone rings and it's Theo.
unknown:Crap.
SPEAKER_04:Step out. What's going on, Dad? And it's the first time that I'm like, okay. Um just came out of surgery. Um, I need you to hear. Don't ask questions, just get here. In case something were to go wrong, I want you to be here. I don't want you to ever be away from college when this happens. Okay? It gets there. You know, we last that day. It's Wednesday morning. Um I was kind of going back and forth to the house, getting the kids, you know, because at this point the kids are Gavin and Emma are in school. So it's get them to school, go to the hospital. Family member would be back to get them off the bus. I would come home late at night because Sherry was not leaving her side. Sherry told the story that she literally drove herself to the hospital and gave birth to Rhonda by herself. So not leaving her ever. Gonna see her in this world, gonna see her out of it. So she stayed at the hospital. I did the taxi back and forth, and it was Wednesday. Um, it was during school. Theo, um, I need to go get my phone charger. I'll walk out there with you. Walk out. We're in the parking garage, we grab the and still, no questions. Just we're gonna go home soon, mom's gonna be fine. And walking back into the hospital, he says, All right, Dad, what's next? And I said, Mom's not gonna make it. And I had to catch him, and we walk back to the car, and we sits in a passenger seat and puts his head up on a dash and just crying, just rubbing his back. What can I do here? Except just I don't say anything, just comfort him. And which seemed like four hours, he says, My God, turn on the air conditioner. I am sweating. So, you know, that's dad's wittiness coming at him. And uh, so I turn on the air conditioned and it was instant. All right, how are we telling the other two? He flipped a switch and it was like caretaker for dad. And that's his mom and him to this day. I think I told you since mom passed away, I have talked to him on the phone every single day. Not a text, not a Snapchat, not a it's been a phone call. And it's what I look forward to every day, you know. And there's been times where it's been 10 o'clock at night, and he's like, hey, sorry didn't get the call. I'm like, I'm good, good night. But it's been that phone call every single day, never missed a day. But yeah, he turned into, okay, time to go help. He went in the in the hospital room, gave her a hug, kiss, told her he loved her, and it's like, what's next? Let's go. So we played at home that Friday night, um, Gavins Jr. versus Talawanda. We're still in the hospital. Well, that Friday after school, we sent Emrah off to uh my sister's in Lima because every summer she would have Camp Christie's go swim with her cousin who's the same age. Just kind of a whether it was a full week or an extended weekend, so it was an easy way to, okay, it's time to go. So she first week of school, get out of school because of Labor Day weekend. She goes up to my sisters for an extended weekend. So, okay, that's taken care of. So now it's Gavin next. So it's we leave the hospital, go to the football game. Um, matter of fact, I wasn't gonna go. Theo, you go. I already had coverage for the cameras. I like I wasn't doing it. I'm just gonna stay here. And Sherry's like, no, you go to the game. And since I was on the, I've been on the sideline, um, as you are now, Ben, but like, and I hope you get to enjoy this. When Theo was a freshman, we were at Greenville and just on the sideline for the first time ever. They do the they run out, you know, jump on each other. Theo comes beeline, gives me a hug every Friday night for four years. Theo senior year, Gavin becomes a freshman. Both of them come give me a hug. Gabin stuffed to my foot, but but every Friday night I got a hug from my my boy before the game started. And I would give him a message, you know, be great, love you, you know, play with the hair on fire. Always try to give him something. So that Friday night, um I came over, gave him a hug, and I told him mom loves him. Couldn't even tell you if we won or not. Like, I just felt numb. Like it felt like because it the word had gotten back to the community. She wasn't doing well, you know. Obviously not in school. She's in the hospital. And with me and Theo on the sideline, it felt like every single person in that building was staring at us. I felt sorry for them. Like, I wonder what and no one wanted to ask. That was Rhonda. So we go back um home, Gavin gets home Friday night after the game. Uh, we talk about the game a little bit, and that next morning, why said to Theo, I'm like, when do we tell Gav? Like, I'm asking him. So we can't do it tonight. Adrenaline from a football game. Like, you can't do that to them mentally. And I wanted to. So next morning, um, get up, send uh Coach Davis a text, hey, Gavin's not gonna be a film today. We're gonna take time with the family. Absolutely, no problem. So Gavin gets up. I another another thing I did or we did was always fed the boys before they went off. So I made them breakfast and then uh told him that he wasn't going to film. He didn't even ask why. He knew. Didn't ask why. He goes, okay. And I had to tell him, Mom's not gonna make it. And he breaks down, you know, me and Theo are, you know, arms over him and he starts to ask why. Like, why?
unknown:What?
SPEAKER_04:No, why? And I don't have that answer. But he got himself together. We all three went to the hospital, spent, you know, that Saturday morning. We also decided it's time to go to hospice. So um we moved to hospice that Saturday, tons of family around, um, and we spent that whole day at hospice. And on Thursday, the living will came into effect when the the nurse said there's nothing else we can do, can't really keep her comfort. You kind of have to decide here. So it's it was pull everything. So she's on day four of no water, no IV, no food, but the heart just pumping strong. So we moved to the hospice, it's a full day, and Sherry's like, go home with the kids, the boys, take them back to the house. I'll stay here overnight. And I remember we all three slept in the living room. Nobody asked each other. I pulled up the recliner. We have a bigger chair that Gab Theo fell asleep in, and Gab was on the couch. We all knew we wanted to be around each other. I just waited for the phone call and waited, waited, fall asleep. He wake up the next morning and look at my phone, I'm like, what? So we boys you guys want to go back to the hospice? No, we're gonna stay home. The two of them just stayed home. So I went back and it's an all-day thing again. And multiple times. I'm like trying to figure out what she's holding on to. Like, you know, I told her multiple times, we all did. It's okay. You can go. I got this. You know. Matter of fact, that Sunday, she's a huge Dave Matthews fan, and we played Dave Matthews all day long on her phone right next to her head, just to kind of give her some peace and like because it got to Sunday night, and it's time for me to leave again. What is going on? What are you holding on to? Well, that's Sunday. My sister had brought Emmer back home. So when I got back home late that night, she was there. Um the both boys, uh, Rhonda's sister Stephanie had brought me back to the house. Um we all did the slumber party again in the living room. Because I I think I may have said something like, hey Ember, why don't you go get your mattress? We all slept out here last night, you know. Oh, slumber what? But we're gonna get him go see mom tomorrow morning, right? Yep, we are. Because we were we have a big slumber party and I'd fallen asleep quick. And I woke up to saying, Dad, Dad, what? Call Grandma Sherry. I knew what the phone call was about. So I go in, I take the phone call, and she tells me she'd taken, you know, passed away at 9 45, 10 o'clock at night. And uh I what are you doing, Sherry? I'll come get you. Like she goes, no, I'm I'm gonna drive home. Sure. Like, let me come get you. I'll take you to Lima. Like, you don't need to be driving home and this. She's like, no, I'm okay. You know, gotta spend some really good quality time with her. Like, I'm I'm okay. Because we knew it, like just a matter of time. But uh she drives home and or she I get off the phone and I walk out and I the boys catch me just and me and I remember Gavin or Theo literally catching me as I'm falling and saying, You're gonna wake Emmer up. Caring for dad.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:So we go back into Gavin's room and just kind of the three of us just quiet and talked. I got gotten texts so sorry from Melissa and Stephanie and Bob and Dana and the whole family, and it's kind of I think it was two or three o'clock in the morning. I'm like, okay, let's go get some rest. A long road ahead of us. So we go back to the living room and uh the next morning The first question to me how are we telling Emma? I don't know. What do you tell an eight-year-old? So she slept in about nine o'clock. I pull her into the kitchen and pick her up on the bar, and I'm you know, she's like, What are you doing? And I said, um, mom didn't make it. She passed away last night. The cancer got her. And she kind of wrinkled her eyes and said, verbatim. Do I get her phone? Just an eight-year-old. Worried about them. Like, do I get her phone? And as a parent, uh, she has no idea. Still to this, she's 10. Like, she's still, although our relationship is tremendous, we have great she still doesn't know the battle ahead that she has, um, which is great. Like, continue to be 10. Um, so look forward to doing that Be Tempered podcast in 20 years. But yeah. Um, and then we just started to figure it out, you know. Yeah, the the the funeral. Um and I feel terrible for not remembering who told me this. But uh, you know, you talk about these things to family and stuff, and they're like well, she waited until all four of you were together. And yeah. She she knew Emra was home. She literally passed away an hour and thirty minutes after Emma had gotten home. Which gave her time to put stuff away, get her bed out there, and ask all of us to lay down. So, you know, funeral, everything went phenomenal. It's everything she wanted that she told me she wanted, you know. We have the she wanted to be cremated. We had, you know, a party afterwards. Like literally we're out at the fairgrounds, and she wanted cake and Dave Matthews. So the community came together and we had tons of food and it was awesome. We had a cake, we played Dave Matthews and celebrated. And then um Monday comes along, and Theo has to go back to college. Kids. I think uh it was Monday night because Theo had class on Tuesday, so we had gone home Monday night. And I didn't send the kids to school on Tuesday. Um and then Wednesday, it was Wednesday morning. We're sitting Emmeros on our swing in the front yard, and me and Gavin are sitting there, and he said, I want to play this Friday. Okay, I don't know the rules. I'm gonna send hopefully don't get anybody in trouble. Coach Davis and Coach Cal or Mr. Couch a message, hey Gavin wants to play this Friday. What do we need to do to get him in school? He's like, just come to practice. I want to play this Friday, I want to go to practice, and I want to order number eight, which was Rhonda's number in college. So um Wyatt Sasser player on team at number eight, and he instantly gave it up. So he's number eight. He goes to practice. Um we played he played that Friday night of it was the day of the service, so you know, service, we had the celebration, and the entire family goes to Oakwood. And uh he didn't start, which of course makes me mad as a parent. What are you talking about? He's not remember on the first play, um they threw a I think it was a halfback pass, and the the corner that was playing in front of him got burned. Later on the game, they they ran the same play when Gavin was out there and he timed it perfectly and tipped it away. Like, okay. Somebody's helping him there. Okay. So yeah, um, we move on. Um I took eight weeks off of work, um, just trying to wrap my head around, you know, what's next, and always try to be transparent with the kids and tell them, you know, this is what I'm doing. They've always been involved with what I think's right, what we're doing right. And then that's when things like it's the the what just happened to me, the denial, the grief was unbearable. Um and Pastor Dan at the Ean Community Church um has walked me through to de literally I had met with him yesterday just to get some strength to come here today. Um but it was he's you know I've sat down and talked with him um to help me with things and um I went through a 13-week grief class with him and just trying to not didn't need to know why, because no one does, you know, it's cancer, right? So you know, we come to I think it was about a month ago. Um I was really struggling because I knew the two-year anniversary was coming up. The fur the first one obviously is numbing and you know the kids are doing great. And about a month ago, I remember driving home from work, ready to quit. Quit life. Never at any point that I was gonna hurt myself for because I knew what I had to do for my kids, but I was done. Like exhausted, wanting to c like I'm done. Didn't want to be here anymore. Thought about what it would be without me, and I leaned on the tentsmans again. Kind of talked to them a little bit and you know I'm here for you. Like always. Everyone's there for you, right? But as men, we don't need them. So um I you know strapped my boots back on again and then that whole leading up to last Friday was, you know, okay, I need to do something. I August 27th, I started to walk every day, try to hold myself accountable by sending my boys a picture, hey, out walking, just trying to get things going in the right direction again. Um and uh which really led me to falling upon Jeff's Facebook post and I'm here. So try and still find that purpose. Um so yeah, that's the man.
SPEAKER_06:First off, thank you for sharing that. Um you know it's hard for me to sit here and and not break down because um it's such a touching story, and and again, we go back to you know putting ourselves in other people's shoes. And so the whole time you're telling the story, and I I just heard it on Friday, you know, I'm thinking about what if that what if that's my wife? How do I have that conversation with my kids? What does that look like after? And um you're on the right path, man. You're doing all the right things.
SPEAKER_04:And what I would say to that is have those difficult conversations with your spouse. Like, what if? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:What do you think, Ben? Uh I mean, I'm I'm excuse me, right there with you when you named your the dating anniversary when it was April 14th, 2004. And as soon as you said yours, I'm just sitting there like, that's Lisa and I. I mean, we were 14, 15 when we first started dating and putting myself in that situation. I yeah, I don't know. I first met you, what was it was it last year, I guess?
SPEAKER_01:Yep.
SPEAKER_02:And uh, you know, I'm I'm kind of knew the story of Rhonda and everything, but one thing that I admire about you is I've seen, you know, last year, senior year, every single game.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Coming up, give you a hug, you know. I see Theo come out on the field with you every single one of those games, stand right next to you. You know, even not your kids, Johnny coming up to you every every time, giving you a big hug, you know. Um and then, you know, also seeing you coach Emra and seeing like your relationship with them, like your purpose. I mean, you're you're I I mean I see my like a lot of myself and you, like you're you're I believe you're a servant-like leader, man. Like you're a volunteer, like I don't know. I'm just I feel blessed to know you. Like last year on the sideline was one of my favorite times, like just being able to know you and um and to hear your story today. Just man. Yep, you're a great man. I mean, never forget that. Uh just put myself in in your shoes. I just can't imagine how strong you are. Um, obviously how strong Rhonda was, and seeing you know, obviously a lot of Rhonda and Theo, it sounds like.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Just amazing, man. And I know how hard it was to be vulnerable and like tell the whole story, but it's gonna help a lot of people. You know, we talk about how hard it is to talk as men and not being, you know, we don't need help. And it maybe sometimes it's not about needing help, just sometimes it's about getting it off our chest and letting other people know, like you're not you're not alone, like we're battling, everybody's battling something, which is powerful. I can't thank you enough, Chuck.
SPEAKER_04:Thanks. And that is getting it off your chest. And you know, I'd have those, you know, sit-downs with Pastor Dan, and what always leaves them feeling hopeful. And leaving Friday with you, feeling hopeful, like and it was uh Matt Roberts' episode, Dr. Roberts, and uh he said, come on here and talk about the way I want to live my life and I hold you accountable. So I have tried the weight loss journey, tried the mental health journey, and I've always quit it. And I don't want to anymore. I want to okay, stick with it. You know, I don't want the overgaving to say, yeah, right, Dad. I'm done hearing that. I want to find my purpose, and this podcast is going to help me. It's gonna help my kids. Hopefully it helps the my family. Like I just said last weekend, my mom was around, and uh I can still see that she walks around on eggshells around me. What not to say, what to say, not sure what to say. People don't want to talk about it. It's okay too. So if you see me in the community, it's okay. Because we're ultimately gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_06:And uh And you're gonna be starting something coming up. If we're gonna talk about accountability.
SPEAKER_04:I think that's your accountability.
SPEAKER_06:No, I just planted the seed. You did. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:You did. Um I'm still looking for that 75 easy, though. You're not gonna find it.
SPEAKER_06:You've been doing that your whole life. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. All right, Chuck. Last question. If you could sit on a park bench and have a conversation with someone living or deceased, who would it be and why?
SPEAKER_04:I knew this question was coming. Can I have two? Sure. It would be my dad to tell him I'm I'm sorry, and give him a hug. And then obviously Rhonda to touch her one last time. I want her to give me another notepad of things to do. Um yeah.
SPEAKER_06:Powerful. There's nothing else to say. I I uh I thank you again for coming on. I know you know everybody in the community knows you and sees you, and you know, I I I feel a special connection to you. Um and uh I'm excited to see where it goes. I'm excited to watch you on your 75 hard journey when you start it here in a couple weeks. It's out there now. You're accountable. Theo, Gavin, Emra, make sure you hold them accountable because I'm going to. But um, you know, I I know this was difficult for you to share, but man, I I'll tell you what, I there's not many podcasts that we've done. What was a 75? It's really been challenging for me to hold hold it back. Um that's how powerful it is. So I know that there's someone out there who is maybe in the middle of what you've went through, or maybe something else, but they can they can latch on to something that you've said. And I think the most important thing throughout this whole thing is what you recognized a month ago is that you were in a hole, you know, emotionally, physically. But then things started to happen, then you start to notice things. You know, you talk when we talked on Friday, you talked about um after her passing, you went on vacation. And what did you see when you walked down, when you walked down to go out to the beach, what did you see?
SPEAKER_04:Which I hated the beach. Yeah. Rhonda loved it. Yeah, the first day we walked to out onto the beach, um, there was a cardinal on the privacy fence that was separating the two, chirping.
SPEAKER_06:And you noticed that. I did. Yeah. I think as you progress and as um, you know, you you're never gonna forget, you know, you're it it that's not not anything that's ever gonna go away. But as as you get a little stronger mentally and and physically and uh hopefully spiritually, all those things, you're gonna notice those cardinals every day. You're gonna notice those little things. And it may just be just a simple conversation just by coming up and talking to Ben and I and just say, hey, thanks for for what you did for putting the podcast out. And I heard it today. Thanks to Sean Rubush for writing the book. You know, all those little things that you're just gonna start to notice. And as you grow and as you get a little stronger, it's gonna be more and more and more. And then you're gonna look back and you're gonna think, man, that was a tough time, but I had to go through that to get to where I'm at now. So thank you again. Yeah, yeah. All right, everybody. Like, share, do all those things. Somebody needs to hear Chuck's story. Uh, if you see him in the community, give him a hug. Give the boys a hug, give Emma a hug. I can't wait to watch Emma on the basketball court here this this winter. She's a little spitfire. Awesome a lot. And go out and be tempered. Thanks, Allie. Things like doors and windows go into making a house. But when it's your home, you expect more, like the great service and selection you'll get from Catrins Glass. Final replacement windows from Catrins come with a lifetime warranty, including accidental glass breakage replacement. Also ask for custom shower doors and many other products and services. The 962-1636, locally owned with local employees for nearly 30 years.
SPEAKER_05:I want to share something that's become a big part of the B Tempered mission: Patreon. Now, if you've never used it before, Patreon is a platform where we can build community together. It's not just about supporting the podcast, it's about having a space where we can connect on a deeper level, encourage one another, and walk this journey of faith, resilience, and perseverance side by side. Here's how it works. You can join as a free member and get access to daily posts, behind-the-scenes updates, encouragement, and some things I don't always put out on other platforms. And if you feel called to support the mission financially, there are different levels where you can do that too. That support helps us keep producing the podcast, creating gear, hosting events, and sharing stories that we believe can truly impact lives. And here's the cool part. Patreon has a free app you can download right on your phone. It works just like Facebook or Instagram, but it's built specifically for our community. You'll be able to scroll through posts, watch videos, listen to content, and interact with others who are on the same journey. At the end of the day, this isn't just about content, it's about connection. It's about building something together. Not just me and men putting out episodes, but a family of people committed to growing stronger through real stories and real faith. So whether you just want to hop on as a free member or you feel called to support in a bigger way, Patreon is the door into that community. Because at the heart of Be Tempered has always been simple real stories, raw truth, resilient faith, so that even one person out there that hears what they need to hear, and Patreon helps make that possible.