Your world with Dr. Beatrice Hyppolite
Hello,
I am Dr. Marie Beatrice Hyppolite. I hold a doctorate in Health Science with emphasis on Global Health and master’s degree in social work. I have over 14 years of experience in the field of health and human services.
This podcast is primarily focused on mental health and the quality-of-life elements that affect it such as divorce, death, domestic violence, trauma, toxic relationships, and single parenthood to name a few. It is no secret that mental health challenges continue to profoundly impact modern society although not enough discussion is given due to stigma. Research has shown an increase of 25 % in mental health crises after COVID-19. It is important to have honest, uncomfortable conversations about mental health while being supportive. Although we are interdependent, change begins with the individual, hence “your world.”
I welcome you to join me on my journey and look forward to your responses.
Your world with Dr. Beatrice Hyppolite
Toxic Or Just Tough Love
Control rarely starts with a shout. It starts with patterns: small lies that rewrite history, lateness that becomes ritual, a “just checking” call that morphs into surveillance. We dive into how toxicity hides in plain sight across romance, family, work, and even church—and what it takes to name it, interrupt it, and rebuild your peace.
We unpack the core red flags: gaslighting that unsettles your memory, love bombing that hooks you on a version of care that never returns, and power imbalances that turn generosity into leverage. We talk through the guilt that keeps people stuck with toxic relatives, why spiritual spaces aren’t immune to harm, and how to set boundaries without abandoning your values. On the career front, we share step‑by‑step tactics for surviving a toxic manager or team: documenting conversations, writing clear follow‑ups, exploring mediation, and protecting your performance so stress doesn’t steal your livelihood.
You’ll hear practical scripts, questions that create clarity, and a simple test for safety: do words match actions, especially on the small things? We walk through the cycle—tension, incident, apology, honeymoon—so you can spot it sooner and decide your next move. We also examine how tech blurs care and control, from phone checks to location sharing, and how to reclaim autonomy without fueling conflict. If you’ve wondered whether you’re overreacting, this conversation offers language, tools, and permission to trust your instincts.
If the episode resonates, share it with someone who needs the reminder, subscribe for more grounded conversations on mental health and relationships, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your peace is not negotiable—let’s protect it together.
Hello everyone, I'm Dr. Beatrice Hippolyte, and this is your world. Hello everyone, welcome back to a brand new episode of Your World with Dr. Beatrice Hippolyte. Today we have the privilege to have a very, very, very special guest with us. So it's a pleasure to welcome Estier in the studio today.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for having me. How are you doing? I'm good. Okay. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad that you were able to make it. How was the commute? It was in fact a little bit of traffic, but you know, we made it. Okay. Okay. That's good.
SPEAKER_02:You know, it's a great pleasure to have you today. And I know today we're gonna have we're gonna talk about a very specific topic. A topic that, you know, we all can relate to. Absolutely. You know, one way or the other. And we're gonna talk about, of course, your brand new book that came out uh recently. You know, recently. So we're not gonna waste time. Okay. Let's just get into it.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. You know what you have for us today. So today we're talking about toxic relationships, right? And um, toxic relationships takes different turns and it looks different for people. Um, and I don't want to say exclusively to women, but I feel like men, obviously, men and women are in relationships, so relationships can be toxic overall, but I think it is something that sometimes people have difficulty naming what toxicity is, right? And toxicity is repeated behavior, it's isolation, and it's sometimes keeping things secret because you're afraid to share your truth. And you know that you're dealing with relationship issues, so sometimes it's not even the person that isolates you. You isolate yourself from others because you know that if you're around people, they may see that you are going through something and you're not ready to share. And a lot of times I feel that almost like you know, abuse, um, people are ashamed when they're in toxic relationships because a lot of times they may find themselves in a situation that they never thought they would be in. And so sometimes they stay away from people because it's hard to admit that you are in this situation, and sometimes you just don't know how to get out, you know? And a lot of times we think about relationships as it pertains to men and women, but we can have toxic relationships within our families too.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And that's a different, and when you think about Thanksgiving and how some people may not have had any place to go for Thanksgiving that just passed, maybe because of toxic relationships in their families. And you know, for sometimes there's a lot of guilt, especially when it's in your family, right? Because if you cut off a toxic family member, let's say it's your mom or your sister or your brother, someone close to you or your father, a lot of people will say, but that's your mom, as though it excuses the toxic behavior. But that's your dad, that's your sister, that's your brother. So you have this guilt because you know that this is not how you should be treated, but society or people around you will tell you that, well, because this is your family, you have to just accept it, right? And so that can lead to a vicious cycle.
SPEAKER_02:Just swallow it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Consider the toxic relationship, you know, no wish it instead of you know really working on getting your peace.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely. And peace is a big thing. But for some people, they don't know how to get that because of who is causing them the level of toxicity in their lives. So, and again, we're even though we talk about toxic relationships, I think about work environments too, right? Because the reality is that a toxic relationship can come from work, the relationship that you have, you know, with your supervisor or your co-workers. Like some environments and some places are just toxic. And I think the main thing that we want to be able to do is identify what is toxic behavior, what that looks like for you, and find a way to get peace. So sometimes you do have to separate yourself from the situation. Sometimes that looks like therapy, sometimes that looks like self-work, right? Um, whether it's morning motivations, journaling, identifying when you're uncomfortable around certain people, and really paying attention to those things, right? Because sometimes it's a passing feeling, but sometimes those are feelings that you can't ignore. Like sometimes you may find that your body just reacts a certain way when you're around certain people, and that's you know, toxicity that we should not ignore. So then even if you let's just say if you go to church, right? Some church environments are toxic. Like the the reality is that toxicity can take shape in any way, shape, or form. So I just think that as we navigate through life, we have to figure out how to identify these environments, how to get away from them, how to create new environments, how to find peace, how to stay in peace, um, and how to survive. You know, that's a key word. Surviving. And it's I don't want to say toxicity is something that you want to survive, but you have to realize that it can be a temporary phase in your life, and you don't have to stay in toxic environments, you know, forever.
SPEAKER_02:Regardless of the form, whether it's family, whether it's it's work, personal relationship, or or even, you know, church. Because sometimes, you know, church, like uh, it's considered as a uh a safe space. Holy, holy and safe space to be, because that's where you know like people go to find God, to be in contact and in intimity with God. But while you being part of that church, so and if you see that there are some toxic behaviors going on, I'm not asking anybody, you know, to just pack up and leave, but know when to withdraw yourself, you know, for a break.
SPEAKER_01:You know, uh yeah, or find another church home, right? Because sometimes because it is church, a lot of us like to say, oh, I'm leaving the church. No, you you know, you're gonna find issue wherever you go. But sometimes you just have to find the church that fits best for the place that you're in in life, right? And I just think that's the same thing with a job. Like you might have you might work at some place that's toxic, and obviously most people have to work because that's their livelihood. So maybe you keep looking until you find an environment that fits best for where you are. And it doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but I think sometimes when it does come to work, we do feel stuck because sometimes finding another job is not that easy. It's not easy, and it's like if you don't have a backup, then you are you feel forced to stay in the environment at that time. But I think and I think another thing that we have to do is find ways to deal with toxic situations, right? And address it. Because leaving is not always the solution or the well, it's and sometimes it's not the option available to you at that time. Not to say you will never leave it, but sometimes you do have to find a way to deal with the situation until you can leave or find a better way to um navigate that, right? So, for example, if you're in a toxic work environment and it's a specific co-worker, maybe there's mediation, maybe you can go to your HR office, maybe there's someone you can talk to to try to deal with the situation.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah, but sometimes when it's the manager, you know, it can be more challenging because it's like a co-worker. Yeah. So you go to the, you know, but I always tell people, even if it is the manager, the manager has somebody involved. That they report to. Yeah. So at the end of the day, don't just sit there and say that you don't know what to do. You have to look for your sanity. I agree. You know, I agree with that. You know, the worst part is dear, unfortunately, when you walk at a place and you are dealing with a toxic manager, supervisor, or director, unfortunately, they hire above, will listen to that person more. That's true. Because they are the closest that they walk with. That's true. And they are the ones who will speak first. You know, so and we live in a society, whomever speaks first. That's true. That's true.
SPEAKER_00:That's true. That's a good point. It can be a challenge.
SPEAKER_01:Definitely, because when you think about the work environment, most people go to work, obviously, as I said, you know, because you get paid, this is your livelihood. Um, but at the same time, if you work in a toxic environment, sometimes it's hard for you to get to work because now I don't want to wake up. I don't want to deal with these people. So now it begins to affect your work performance, right? So it's one of those things that if you don't deal with it, you can end up getting fired because now your work performance may decline. So it's like you have to find a way to address it in a way that makes sense, in a way that, you know, and you can still leave and maybe stand up on your own two feet or go to a different department or deal with the situation. But when you do ignore it, it will eat at you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and sometimes it may and end up hurting you physically. Yes. Or mentally. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:You can lose your mind. You can lose your mind. So that's the thing about, you know, toxicity. Like, obviously, we diagnose mental illnesses, right? But there, like, we know that there's toxic behavior, but sometimes it goes unchecked, right? Because again, most times you just want to get away from the toxicity. So there's no real identification of what that looks like, right? Because let's say it is a toxic manager. Even if you complain about them or they get a slap on the wrist, a lot of times the behavior doesn't change. You know? So I think another thing as I say that is to remember it's also not your job to try to fix toxic people.
SPEAKER_00:No.
SPEAKER_02:It will be hard for you to do so because, you know, for the most part, toxic people always look for something to blame, something or someone to blame their behaviors instead of looking into their own self to know, hey, you know what? I need to check myself out and change this. Yeah. You know, and sometimes, you know, I've seen, you know, I've walked in places prior where, you know, it was the environment was so taxi. So one time I had to, you know, I basically walk away, you know, and I'm like that supervisor was really going crazy. And I was fresh out of school at that time. So I had just completed my master degree in social work, and that was my first ever job in the field. And to have somebody, you know, who was not a professional, so and having the director signing with, you know, whatever that was going on between the two of them, it was none of my business. But if to see them the way that, you know, so it's like me being Asian, speaking two different languages. And so it's like, you know, I've learned how to carry myself a certain way. First thing that she was not comfortable with was me wearing suit every day. So for a supervisor to come and tell you, oh, you don't need to wear suit every day to come here, you can wear sneakers. And I'm like, who does that? Okay, I want to maintain a professional. So every day. So it's like, you know, I don't want to see your face in my office if it is not work-related. Don't come and check and tell me what, you know. So as long that the dress code, whatever that I'm wearing, is not a violation to the dress code of the institution, then I don't want to see your face at my office every day. Tell me, you know, so what? And when she found that I spoke, you know, like three, I, you know, I speak three languages, so she was like, Oh, really? Time, you know, that girl had a supervision with me, and the next minute I'll be sitting in the director's office. And one day the director didn't even know the reason why I was there.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And that was the day that I said, you know what? Girl, you break way too many storms to deal with this, right? To be where you are today. So you cannot be dealing with that. You know, I I put my two weeks' notice, and you know, and that at that point, the director, you know, who didn't want me to live because you had the Asian population that I was the only speaking person who served, you know, so working with them. And plus, you had a difficult case that you know, a client who never wanted to see any worker coming to her house within three years. I was the only social worker that she allowed to get into. So now, and that client really had brought a lot of money into the agency, but at the end of the day, so they didn't want me to leave just because of their own benefits, right? But what about your benefit? Yes, I said my sanity, that's one thing I don't want to lose. I don't want to lose. You know, so and I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna leave, but I'm gonna make sure I live for the sake of my sanity. But at the same talking, I wanna kind of like you know, do something that will prevent her from hurting. Hurting someone else, yeah. So, and that's what I did. And I, you know, put my two-week notice, did whatever that I had to do to protect other workers, and I packed up and and you know, and something else like that.
SPEAKER_01:It's it's absolutely like that sometimes. I mean, and as you mentioned your MSW, I mean, that reminds me, like even sometimes when you're in a graduate program, you can be in an environment, in a class where you have a professor that's toxic, right? And you just have to deal with it. And the the crazy thing I think about this world is that you really have to learn how to navigate situations, but you also have to think about the end result for yourself. Because you should never be in a situation where you feel like you're going to lose your mind. Because once you lose your mind, that's it, that's it. That is it. Like life as you knew it will never be the same. So I that's a that's an important advice to give to those people who are struggling with toxic relationships, you know, in whatever capacity it may be, that never let it get to a point where you feel you're going to lose your mind, you're going to lose your life, or you have to be silenced.
SPEAKER_02:And one piece of advice I always give people, you know, or co-workers or anybody. So when you are dealing with a workplace toxicity, you know, the best way to deal with managers or anybody at work, I tell people I'm a better writer than a speaker. So whatever that you want to communicate, I'll do it through email. You know, that way, I create a paper trial. Even if you ask me to do something, I know it's wrong. But because you are the boss, you want it to be your way. Some managers, something they will go crazy, you know, though they know the policy of the job, say that you have to move this way, but because they are full of ego and the title, they tend to work the title more than they work the job. So they want you to. And I'm like, I never said no to a manager. I'll just go back, you know. So don't tell me thing in a meeting, put it on an in a writing. If you choose not to do it, I'll nicely go back to the office and sit behind that computer and said, according to our conversation on this date, that time, and this is the subject that we spoke about. So though I'm not comfortable about it doing it that way, because according to the policy of the agency, we have to do things this way. But as my supervisor, I don't want to be anybody in it. I'm gonna follow as you instructed. Do you still want me to do it that way? Don't call, don't pick up the phone to call me. We're not having a phone conversation. I remember I experienced that the supervisor will quickly call me and I said, No, I sent you an email and I want you to respond. Yeah. Reply to my email. So that way they know that what they know, you know it too, and they will know how to navigate or move around. Because sometimes, you know, you're not making it hard for anybody, but you have to protect yourself at all times.
SPEAKER_01:I a paper trail is very important. It's very important in any agreement that you know we have. I mean, even sometimes now when you think about relationships or marriage and you think about prenups or just agreements, right? What agreements do we have in place and what does it look like and where can we find it, right? Because a lot of times somebody will tell you something verbally, and then when it comes to this, like I never said that. But sometimes when you have things written down, when you keep a good, you know, paper trail, when you write good notes, you can refer back to no one this day you said, and sometimes that seems like it's a lot, but I think documenting things protects you on so many levels in the long run.
SPEAKER_02:Because sometimes you cannot even go to EO. By the time you go to EO, you know, you you know, so it's a different story, absolutely. Yeah, and you don't have anything to do. And they know more people dear than you do.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely, absolutely, you know.
SPEAKER_02:So let's leave the workplace toxicity, because you know, if people wanna know more, so we had an episode on workplace toxicity, go and wash it. So what makes a relationship toxic?
SPEAKER_01:Toxic relationship is usually when someone lies to you often, they try to gaslight you, right? So they they said something to you, and then when you say, like, no, I never said that. And sometimes when someone gaslights you, you really feel like you like, like, did he say that? Like all of a sudden you feel confused, all of a sudden you're not sure. Those are the wicked flags that you have for. You have to look for that, right? Consistent behavior. Is someone consistent in their actions and their words, right? So if someone says that they're going to come pick you up at nine, and but they come at 9:30 every day. To some people, that might not mean that might not mean anything because it's like, oh, at least he came. But you have to think about this person made you wait for 30 minutes every day. Why is that? Do they not value your time? Absolutely. So that's a pattern of that person showing you that they don't value their your time and their word doesn't mean anything. Because if I say I'm coming to get you at nine o'clock, if my word meets Something to you, unless something major happens, I'm going to be there at nine o'clock. But if you just come at 9 30 every day, 9 30 every day, even though you said even if something major happens, so you're gonna manage, you know, to find a way to communicate that. Absolutely. That's a that's important too, right? But the thing is that something major can happen, but does something major happen every day? So when you look at that, that's a pattern that that person is showing you that they don't value their time, your time, and that your word and their word, it means nothing. Because even though I said it, oh, it's okay, I could come whenever I'm ready. Right? So I think red flags is what leads to a lot of toxic behavior because a lot of times we ignore red flags.
SPEAKER_02:And two other examples, you know, of a toxic relationship, so we can consider power and balance. Absolutely. You know, lack of respect, you know, not having empathy for the other person.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, absolutely. And you know what? But power and balance, too, that does breed for a toxic relationship because sometimes you make someone feel that they have to do some certain things because you have leverage over them, right? So that's a very uncomfortable position to be in because now you've made this person kind of feel dependent on you. And so it's almost like you remove, you know, whatever it is that you're giving them. So I mean, I don't want to say, but I find that sometimes maybe if like someone is making more money or someone is the provider, if you have those roles in your relationships, right? Sometimes people can abuse that because in the way they are in power, they have the power shift in that relationship. So then you feel that you're at their mercy because you can't say much because they have the power dynamic. And I think in this day and age, that's one of the conversations that you know people have a lot in terms of you know who's paying for what or who's doing this or who's doing that. But I think sometimes there's just a certain level of independence that you do want to maintain because you don't want to feel like someone can just take something away from you at their leisure just because. And that's that's that's very toxic behavior, right? Because it's like sometimes you want to do something out of the kindness of your heart or because you love someone, but it shouldn't be used as a punishment, right? Almost like a child. So it's like, oh, well, if you don't do this by this certain time, I'm not going to do this. Those are, you know, toxic power plays that people use within relationships that we sometimes ignore. Because, you know, for different reasons, right? Because sometimes you feel like, oh, for some people, they feel like that's how someone shows them love because that's what they're used to. But if you if that's all you're used to and that's all you know, you don't know that that's toxic behavior, right? So I think power imbalances, um, not keeping your word, gaslighting people, lying, being inconsistent, isolation, um, abuse anything abusive, anything, even if it's not physical abuse, which toxic um behavior can lead to physical abuse, but sometimes people emotionally abuse you, right? So they may not have laid their hands on you. Emotional drain. So some people know what we emotionally drain people and and emotionally manipulate you, right? Because sometimes people, especially like a lot of people who love bomb people in the beginning, a lot of people don't recognize that because this person showered you with love and then the person took it away, and so now you're craving that love that they showed you in the beginning, but you're never going to get it back. But it's a way to draw you in and then get get you to do whatever it is that they want you to do based on this treatment for a brief period of time. And then a lot of times we find ourselves like in this long relationship. Like sometimes you're with someone for two years and you're like, Well, why are you with this person? And then a lot of times, you know, they'll say, Oh, because this person did this in the beginning. So, you know, I had they have that glimmer of hope that that person they saw in the beginning, they're going to see again. That is full toxic behavior being displayed because you love bomb someone, you took it away, you have, you know, you treated them badly, but they are just dying to have that attention from you again, that they stay hoping for something better.
SPEAKER_02:And sometimes, you know, even at the beginning of a relationship, so the person may show you some like flags, but because you're so blind, you know, into getting deep into that relationship, you don't even pay attention. While from the beginning, the person really show you who he or she really was.
SPEAKER_01:But you know what I think happens a lot? I think it's because a lot of times people make red flags with green flags, right? And so we ignore the red flags because of the few green flags that we saw, and because that's what we want to see. A lot of times you want to be optimistic. I'm not saying in, you know, there's no situations where people show you all red flags, but a lot of times people mix green with red. So now you like, hmm, you know, even though he does that, but I love when he does this, right? Or she when she does that. So because of the mix of the flags and the signals that we see, it becomes very difficult for us to detach from only the red flags because we see green ones. And so, you know, it's like, you know, you should proceed with caution, but the green one is what you want to hope for. And because when you really think about it, most people, I would say on average, not all, would not continue to date with someone for a long period of time if they only showed them red flags, right?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_01:And now there's some cases, you know, you're like, okay. But honestly, I think that's what happens. I think a lot of times people show you, like, as they say, the representative, right? They show you the best foot, they're, you know, this person, that person, and you know, they do certain things you like, and as and the thing is that as soon as they feel like they've drawn you in, that's when you'll begin to see the toxicity.
SPEAKER_02:And this goes for friendship too. Oh yes.
SPEAKER_01:Oh yes. Because some friends are out to use you, right? But you don't see it in the beginning, especially when you think about like I know me, I've had most of my friendships I've had for over 30 years, right? But in the span of 30 years, people change. Like, even though we grew up together, how we were when we were children, we're not the same now. But sometimes because you have such a long-lasting foundation with someone, you don't see that they're changing until something major happened. And then that's when sometimes that's when you look back and then you start to like, oh, but you missed it because in the beginning that's not how it was, you know. So I think that is definitely a major dynamic as well that we don't talk about friendship toxicity.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, exactly. So we spoke about manipulation uh as one of the flags, creditisms, you know, isolation, blame shifting.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, yes, blame shifting is a big one because a lot of people don't like to take blame and they put it on you, but a lot of times when you have emotionally manipulated someone so much, when they do put the blame on you, you don't even see it anymore and you accept it because somehow you do feel like it's your fault. But that is because of all the manipulation that has taken place that you no longer even realize what's happening in front of your eyes. So sometimes you do think it's your fault. It's just like, you know, when a relationship with domestic violence, right? Sometimes those women begin to say things like, Oh, but you know what? I made him I made him do it. Yeah, because I didn't bring him his dinner on time. And you know, for the outside person looking in, you're like, Yeah, but that person has played with your mind so much that anything this person says, you believe it. So that is the classic way to emotionally manipulate someone and blame them.
SPEAKER_02:That's like years of Oh, I should not go to his phone or her phone. Right. I understand we call cell phone personal phone. So, you know, I don't have no right to go and deal and search into my main phone the same way he doesn't have no right to know. But you know, he does that, I do that because we are in a relationship. And when things like that happen, it's because something happened and trusts, you know, start to become an issue. Right. So I understand going to his phone was not the right thing to do, but that did should not give him any right either to physically or emotionally abuse me.
SPEAKER_01:As you mentioned, cell phones, right? Another thing that's big nowadays is people sharing their locations with each other, right? But when you think about it, in a way it's for safety, but then people also use that to manipulate exactly. And so I think that certain things that we may deem as healthy, because I think people should establish healthy boundaries, right? So if you are in a relationship and your partner has access to your phone, I think that's different than your partner looking through your phone to manipulate you. Oh, who's this text from? Right? That's very different than my phone is here and someone calls you or you look through it, as opposed to now it's like, oh well, let me see your phone. Oh, I check his phone. Like you're constantly checking for something. Because to me, I I'm not gonna lie. Although it's a full-time job. You can lose your sanity over that. In a relationship, I have to do that extra work. I feel like that's that relationship is not for me. I feel like that's a toxic relationship. If every day I have you have to look through my phone and I have to look through your phone, to me, that's a toxic relationship, and that's when it's time to pump the brakes. But the reality is I actually know people who this is what they do, it shocks me. And I'm like, wow, you know, but some people have made this a part of their relationship. The same thing with sharing locations. Because think about it, now if they present it like it's a way for safety, but you just happen to take your location off, immediately it's like, why'd you take your location off? Where were you going? I I mean, there's a level of Sometimes we're created, yeah. Yeah, I I sometimes we create it because it sounds nice, and it's like, oh, he cares for me, so he wants to know where I'm at. I am at all time. She. Or she, right. But it's a level of control, right? That people have just introduced and kind of made it easy to control your life, I feel like, without realizing.
SPEAKER_02:It's ugly.
SPEAKER_01:It does. Because anytime, like, you know, when people are tracking each other, it's phones like this level of um, I don't know, this level of uh relationship is new.
SPEAKER_02:Me, if I were to track somebody that would have been my kids. Right. Right. Because if you are my child and you are under 18, that's my obligation to know about your way about. But not a guardian.
SPEAKER_01:But that's but that's what a lot of relationships, you know, that's what it entails. These days, it's almost like dating, you know, it's almost like you, especially if you, you know, if you have an iPhone, it's like about sharing locations and you know, people knowing where you are all the time. And it's almost like if you don't want to share your location, then feel like, oh well, are you doing things that you don't trust? So now it's kind of becoming the reverse, right? Because if you want a little bit of privacy, it just must it must mean you're doing something.
SPEAKER_02:But and and as you should have some privacy, you share. Just because I'm in a relationship, it doesn't mean that I have to give away completely my you know. So we we may be a couple, but we still have to differ.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, but these days, um, the rules are different. The rules are different, and so that and to me, like I said, when I think about it, I'm like, that's toxic behavior to me. Like, that's the beginning. Let me not say that's toxic behavior, but I feel like that's the segue to what can become a toxic type of dynamic, right? Or even like when people track your phone. So let's say you, you know, I I told you I was going to hang out with my girlfriends and I would be done by nine o'clock. And at 9.05, you're calling my phone because it's like, well, where are you? That's a bit, I think those are things that sometimes, again, it may seem like a caring, like, oh, he's just checking on me. But it's also a level of control that I think we mistake for caring, right? Because there's a dominance, there's a power play at pan that you don't realize because it's like, well, you told me you would be done by nine. So um, you know, it only takes 10 minutes to get home. Where are you? Those are things that we have to look out for, right? Because again, exactly there's a certain level of safety. Like, you know, like let's say if, you know, I go to work and I get home by a certain time, and I do something out of my routine, and then you know, someone calls me to be like, hey, are you okay? Because I noticed that, you know, you didn't get home by a certain time. There's check-ins, and then there's where people want to know you're safe, and then there's a level of controlling. Absolutely. And I think there's a fine line that we have to figure out how to balance because anything to the extreme to me is toxic.
SPEAKER_02:And sometimes it's okay to ask questions because, yeah, I don't want to assume that you are controlling me or trying to control me, or I don't want you to assume that I'm trying to do the same thing. But I'll nicely ask the question. So are you calling? Are you are you just checking on me? Yes. Or it is something else. Yeah. At the end of the day, in any type of relationships that we are, or we we are entitled to ask questions in order to bring clarity to whatever that is going on. So let's say, for example, I told you, you know, that I was gonna be with my girlfriends, you know, and we will be done by nine o'clock. Okay, so that was a setup time, but maybe you know, so we got carry on with our conversation, you know. So, and and so we were there until like 15 minutes after or 30 minutes after. So we didn't have plan to go anywhere. So I will understand, like, you know, for you to check on me or me to check on you if we were to go somewhere after that, absolutely. Then, you know, for you to for me or you to check to to know where am I or where are you? So it's like you know, so it's valuable, but just to have control, you know, so it's a different ball game. And sometimes, you know, you won't know until you ask questions, you know. That's true. Like what made you check this or what made you ask that? Because sometimes, you know, we're not when we are some, we don't want to be one, you know, but uh I prefer asking the questions and really know where you stand. You know, that's very important. Those are the red flags that we really have to pay attention, and now you know, let's consider the circle of toxic behavior. So tension build, break the loop by recognizing the pattern. So those are very important for this uh circle of the toxic behavior. You have tension builds, you have incident, you have apology and honeymoon, a phase that we see or encounter a lot into domestic violence and the repeating cycle.
SPEAKER_01:Repeating cycle is important and the honeymoon phase is important. Yeah, we are important. The honeymoon phase is important because as I said, that's the sweet phase, right? That's the phase that draws you in. But I think what we have to pay attention to is the repeated behavior. So, what is the be repeated behavior we're looking at? Is it constantly, and I think another thing that we sometimes don't pay attention to is how someone speaks to us. Very important. How someone speaks to us, and I would put that into the category of repeated behavior, right? Because does someone repeatedly disrespect you or talk to you in a disrespectful way? What is their tone when they're talking to you? Because the reality is that people get angry and people may have disagreements, but how do you disagree? And when you disagree, is it volatile, right? Is it screaming at the top of your lungs? Because if that's the repeated behavior, that is the level of toxicity that you don't want, right? Or if someone is condescending towards you all the time, that's a repeated behavior that's not healthy.
SPEAKER_02:That's toxic. Each time we got into an argument, you have you have to put your hands on me or have to break all the dishes. So mm-mm. Or you calling me out my name each time we have an argument, or saying that I'm gonna call the cops, right? Even if you started the argument, but you would be the first to threaten by calling the cops. So it's like, hey, after you said that once, if somebody said that once, don't give the person the opportunity for a second time. I agree with that. I agree with that because remember, it's home ever called first. I agree with that, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And so I think when we talk about repeated behavior, those are things we have to look at. Those are things we have to pay attention to, right? And again, it goes back to does this person do what they say they're going to do? Does this person show up when they say they're going to show up? Does you know, or are you constantly waiting or making excuses for the person? Or, you know, just having to do it yourself, right? Because let's say if you're in a relationship and you need help with arranging furniture, and the person said, Oh yeah, I'll I'll come help you. And then when the day comes, they never show up. Then you give them another time to come help you, they don't show up. Then you get like at that point, the repeated behavior is that this person is not showing up for you. So repeated patterns and behavior is different. It's little thing. Yeah, it could be something. So what about the big things? Well, most of most of the times, and people don't come through on the little things, they definitely don't come through on the big things. No, that's why you have to pay attention. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:If they don't show up for you on little things, so they're not gonna be there for you, you know.
SPEAKER_01:And and sometimes we make excuses for it, right? Because it's like, oh, well, it wasn't really a thing. And we all do, absolutely, both men and women. Absolutely. I mean, and here's like I said, the reality is that, you know, every once in a while, someone who's reliable in your life may have a situation where they can't show up for you. But that's where you because you know the person and the patterns, you're like, okay, this is a one-time thing. Because this person has always been there for me, so I'm not going to be upset if something happened and they don't show up for me this time. But if the pattern is that you never show up for me, then it's a problem.
SPEAKER_02:That's that's the problem. Then it's a problem. So now let's see the impact on mental health.