Helping Someone With Social Anxiety Without Coddling Them

In this episode, Patrick and Tamekia talk through social anxiety in real-life terms, what it looks like, why it feels “uncontrollable” for some people, and how couples and families can support someone without accidentally keeping them stuck. They also discuss how COVID and isolation may have made it more common, the difference between being shy and social anxiety, and practical steps that can help, like healthier habits, support, therapy options, and encouragement that builds confidence.

This is an honest discussion from two different personality types, one more “push them forward,” one more “let’s understand it first,” and we meet in the middle.

If you’ve got a teen, adult child, spouse, or friend who struggles with social anxiety, you’re not alone, and neither are they.

Note: This episode is for encouragement and discussion, not medical advice.

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Transcript

Welcome to Rolling with the Dolans. I’m Patrick Dolan. And I’m Tamekia Dolan. Our podcast focuses on the joys and challenges of blending families, our interracial marriage, parenting children of multiple ages, and the journey of entrepreneurship. We share our daily life experiences with a positive but real perspective, and today’s topic is focused on... you want me to say? Sure. Social anxiety.

All right. You wanna start? Well, how do you want me to start? Okay, start with the definition. Alright. So here on the National Institute of Mental Health, what is social anxiety disorder? It’s just adding a little bit here. A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating, being on a job interview, answering questions in class, asking for help, or having to talk to a cashier in a store.

Sounds like a lot of things. So they actually do sum it up with, it’s basically everyday things. So, ways talking to a cashier in a store. Mm-hmm. That’s one of the examples they have. They basically feel like they’re gonna be humiliated, judged, or rejected. Hmm. Rejected. Yeah. Okay. I think that rejection goes a long way with a lot of things. Why people don’t do things. They don’t, they’re afraid of asking questions, they’re afraid of doing things, of course, of the fear of rejection, but I did not realize that as part of what goes into social anxiety disorder.

Okay. So when did you learn about social anxiety? I’ve always heard about anxiety and general anxiety disorder, but I never really heard much about social anxiety until, I think really more like we talked about it until COVID. What do you think?

So I had no idea what social anxiety was until one of our older kids told me about it. And in my mind I was like, what does that mean? And how did that start? And why is that a thing? So in the beginning I admit that I was not very sympathetic because I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it. Like, why would you? I mean, back in the day, I guess people had social anxiety, but we always just said that they were shy or awkward, right? Yeah. I always would call it social awkwardness or something like that. They’re just awkward. You actually said social awkwardness? Mm-hmm. I think so. Or I think maybe it’s more in the last 10 years, but I’d be like, oh, they seem socially awkward. Oh, did you say nerd? I would say, we said they’re so nerdy.

And you mentioned sympathy. I think that that should be more in the category of empathy. What, I should have empathy towards people? Yeah. We’ve had this conversation, have had conversations. I still don’t understand sympathy versus empathy. I still get confused. So you’re saying I should have more empathy towards people that have social anxiety? Yeah, I think at least more of an understanding. I don’t think you’ll ever feel like, oh, okay, that makes sense. But no. I don’t think I’ll, uh-huh. So I, but I’m also an extrovert. So you think that’s probably why I don’t understand it. Yeah.

That’s the thing where we, and again, I don’t wanna get onto the empathy versus sympathy topic, but the empathy is where if you can’t see it and you can’t understand it, you have trouble having empathy, because empathy is more of an emotional thing, versus sympathy is like, okay, your father died, or you lost your pet, or something like that. You can be like, oh, there was a specific event tied to it. But empathy is more like something that is not as easy to put your finger on, and when you can’t put your finger on it...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think I’ve finally got it. Okay. Empathy. It’s empathy. Things you can control. Not always. Oh, okay. Never mind. But it is, it is. You know, you perceive them as things you control. I think that that’s, I think I’m like, girl, you could control that social anxiety. Yeah. I think that’s the thing is you don’t have as much empathy because you feel like, oh, okay, well you know what, just get out there and do it. Yeah, that is me. And I do need to work on that. And so that’s the thing is for some people, you see them and like, why aren’t you going out? Why aren’t you getting out? Why aren’t you doing things? And they just, they’re okay.

But listen, I, okay. I admit that I do need to work on that. But don’t you think there’s like a fine line in like someone babying you and just letting you stay in that social anxiety spot? Or don’t you think they need someone to kind of push ’em to be like, uh-huh, you gotta...

We’re a lot alike on these things, and okay. And you’re a little bit more, hey, I’m gonna just throw your little birdies out the nest, see if they can fly type than I am. I’m more, flap those wings really hard. Mm-hmm. But I think that it is definitely stuff that we need to be conscious of.

And when do you think of like, do you think that this has been getting worse over time? Because again, it’s like... absolutely. The babying and coddling absolutely. Is that contributing to it? Because I think that most people think that the people are like, the participation awards, all this type of stuff, not, mm-hmm, being like, oh, it’s okay. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Because we have an adult child... what do you call an adult child? Uh, it was, it is an adult child. Sure. That, I mean, that actually sounds like... actually we have more than one, like, actually we have more than one adult child, and it’s difficult to me because I’m like, okay, they didn’t have that when they were growing up. They didn’t have that as teenagers and then like, once COVID happened, all of a sudden they had it.

So you know me. Then I’m starting like, not really conspiracy theories, but I’m like deep diving. I’m like, did they get that because they saw it on social media and then I... how do we turn it around? I think that we both agree that the isolation, like the more you isolate yourself, the worse it gets. Gets the worse. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. So that was basically causing people to isolate and for longer periods than they normally do. And the longer you’re isolating, the worse it gets. I agree.

But okay. Going back to, can you go back to that definition? Because part of that definition was saying something about they even have it, like it keeps them from wanting to date. What was that? Going back to that? Yeah. Some of it was, yeah, these are things that they could be, that they’re afraid of being evaluated or judged or scrutinized, such as speaking in public meeting, new people dating, being on a job interview, answering questions in class, asking for help, or having to talk to a cashier in a store.

Oh, okay. I understand being on a job interview or speaking, like public speaking, I understand that. Exactly. I think that’s, I wouldn’t call that a different category. Yeah. I wouldn’t call that social anxiety. Uh, right. Would you? Yeah, I think that should be separated out in my opinion. I think dating definitely is in a category of social anxiety, right? Or like, going... when my kids were younger, we would do play dates and I don’t remember anybody having social anxiety, or maybe those people just stayed home. Probably.

And then the, I think that the one to me that stands out the most is meeting new people. Like, that’s one of the easier things that I think people should be able to do. But it’s like, really, you just go out there with a bunch of people and that causes you social anxiety. But this is another point that they have here. It says, this fear often feels uncontrollable and can interfere with everyday life. Oh, really? Yep. So it, and that’s the thing is like to us, that’s where you’re like, well just get out there. But it feels uncontrollable to them according to how this is defined.

Hmm. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist so she can tell me what that looks like. In most situations, you need to learn to be more empathetic. Oh, okay.

So what do you do? You throw ’em out to the wolves? Or do you sit there and coddle ’em? There’s gotta be something in between. Hmm. Well, I don’t have an answer to that. Well, I do have my answer, but, um, what’s Tamekia gonna do? Throw ’em out there. Get your career out there. Yeah. Yeah. How are you gonna conquer that? And then, I mean, I’m not saying throw them out there with no guidance. I’m saying like, give them positive words of affirmation, like, you know, you’re amazing, you’re talented, you’re gonna affect people’s lives in a positive way. But all those things to say, just get out there.

So here, here’s a couple of things, like what are some of the signs and symptoms that they have, and it says blush, sweat, tremble, things like that, but a rapid heart rate. So basically if you get one of these watches, you can actually see your heart rate. I’d be really interested in seeing some studies of people we know, give them an Apple Watch, see their resting heart rate, and then put ’em in, put, yeah, put in some different things and see, because that’s one of the biomarkers. They’ll basically say, hey, I’m not comfortable here, and see whether or not that’s consistent with how they really feel.

And then have a rigid body posture, find it difficult to make eye contact, feel self-conscious or fear. Like, I feel more self-conscious in a lot of different situations, but I wouldn’t say I have social anxiety. What do you mean self-conscious? Like I always feel like, oh, okay, my hair’s messy, or I look crazy, and sometimes I just don’t care. Oh, okay. You know me. Like sometimes I could care less if I walk outta the house. Yeah. But other times, like if I’m in a different environment, I’ll be like, oh shoot. Like, is my hair falling down? Like, because it’s like in my eyes, like, oh, or start messing with it, or something like that. Mm. That’s somewhat, I think, more of a social anxiety tendencies, but I don’t think I could be categorized as.

Um, okay. Okay, one last question. What, because I know what a lot of people do in their twenties and, you know, like young adults, they self-medicate with like, smoking or drinking. What do you recommend when you start feeling, are you... or if someone suffers from social anxiety disorder because, I recommend just put ’em out there. But what do you recommend?

Well, I think that one of the things I always turn to is exercise and just healthy habits. No, I mean, but if you know... well, you sure you wanna know how the... some suggestions from the National Institute of... okay, sure. Mental health. Treatment for social anxiety disorder typically involves psychotherapy, medication, or both. Choosing the right treatment plan is based on the person’s needs, preference, and medical situation. It doesn’t say anything about self-medicating or anything like that, or throwing them out to the wolves. Yeah, no. See, support groups might be the closest thing. Healthy habits. See, there you go. That’s one of the things. Practicing a healthy lifestyle can help combat anxiety. Although this alone can’t replace treatment. Make sure to get enough sleep and exercise, eat a healthy diet. So I guess I was right there with my...

I’m gonna talk to my sister and I’m gonna ask her, since she’s a therapist, I’m gonna say, okay, when you’re trying to... is therapist a word? I don’t know. But whenever you try to talk to a client about that, what do you tell them to do? I think they probably first try to figure out what the solution, like why they do it. But then after that, what’s the treatment. Yep, definitely.

And the other thing is, some of these, there might be a lot of underlying issues such as struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide, things like that. So that’s one thing that you always have to mention that they do reference here in this page as well, talking about it is you do have to be a little bit... realize that these symptoms might be something, you know, even bigger than what you’re aware of. Yeah, so definitely treat it cautiously.

All right. So thanks for listening today. Wherever you found us, found this podcast, this conversation, we invite you to join in and get involved. But make sure to like us, favorite us, whatever. Save us and check back later. Okay? Until next time, have a healthy week. Mm. Have a... uh, challenging week, like challenge yourself. Sounds great. Bye. Okay.