Welcome to Rollin' with the Dolans. I'm Patrick Dolan. And I'm Tamekia Dolan. Our podcast focuses on the joys and challenges of blended families, our interracial marriage, parents and children of multiple ages, and the journey of entrepreneurship. We share our daily life experiences with a positive but real perspective.
Today's topic is focused on becoming empty nesters. So my first question is for you. How do you think you will feel when the last of our kids is out of the house?
I will feel like I can rest in my little nest or cocoon.
So you're saying that you're not going to be overwhelmed by crying and sadness or anything like that?
I will be sad probably the first couple weeks. I'll miss them, I'll check on them. But once I realize I have so much freedom, I think I'll be just fine.
The big thing we wanted to cover in this discussion is what happens for couples as a whole. We did a little research ahead of time, and the stats are pretty high as far as couples over 50 and how often they get divorced. There's a strong perception that once the kids leave the house, the parents sometimes don't even know what to do with themselves. Are you going to know what to do with yourself? Are you going to be crying because your babies left?
No, I think one of the things I'm already thinking about is that I always liked having a built in, what's the word, people to go out with me to dinner and things like that. I feel like you'll be a little more sad than I am.
Yeah, it's nice. I'm like, "Okay, I want to go out to dinner." I know you don't like to go out to dinner as much, so I'll just drag the kids out with me and we'll go have dinner.
Force them.
Now you won't have anybody to force to do anything you want to do.
Exactly. They're just used to it. "Oh yep, he wants to go out, we're going to dinner." But also, in my defense, I've been a parent for 29 years, so I'm a little exhausted. That's really the only other thing. Other than that, we have more than enough things to keep us occupied. It's not as if we're going to be like, "Okay, what are we going to do with this extra time?" We have more than enough things we want to do with our extra time. And I think that gets into some of the topics we've covered before. What do you do later on in life? Do you travel? Do you go on date nights? Do you go on staycations? Do you create a business together? That's some of what we've covered, but it really comes down to the fact that a lot of the time people spend before the kids leave the house is focused on those kids.
What are the statistics? I can't remember, you told me, but what is it? Do you remember?
Let me check, because it's easy to check out. First of all, they call it the empty shell factor, where many parents stay together for decades just for the sake of the kids.
What did you say, empty shell? That sounds sad.
There's the empty shell factor, and they also say about 36 to 40 percent of all divorces now happen to couples aged 50 or older. So it's like they're obviously waiting for something. I think a lot of parents think, "Okay, we don't want to do it to the kids while they're still living here, so it'll be easier to explain to them once they're gone that we're not together anymore."
You think that's how the conversation goes?
They might not directly say it, but they might feel it. And that's the other thing, how many people do you know who you feel just stay together for the kids?
Oh, a lot. Especially my clients behind the chair. I'm like, "You sleep where, and he sleeps where, and you do what, and he does what?" I'm like, what's the point? And that's a big thing, we have this conversation a lot, and it gets a little away from the empty nester concept we're talking about, but is it better to stay together for the kids?
Absolutely not.
Yep, exactly, no. So what are you gaining by waiting until they go to college? I think people don't want to, they'd feel like they're being a failure if they give up on their kids, but what they don't realize is that kids are a lot smarter than they get credit for. You're also teaching them to mimic what they see at home. If they see a relationship that's unloving, dad going one way, mom going the other, they'll think that's normal. If there's no affection in the home, they'll think that's normal. If they don't see their parents sitting down watching TV together, having a conversation, going on dates, they'll think that's normal.
So you're creating a cycle where that pattern just repeats.
Definitely agree. And the other thing is, they see it and they know it. Some of our kids talk about their friends who are in that situation, and it's not like they don't know. It's obvious when you don't have a loving relationship, so why keep playing the game, why keep pretending? And the other thing we've talked about a lot is that even really young kids can feel the tension, feel the anxiety, feel the lack of love in the house. So we did deviate a bit from the original topic, but these are all key things that really shift that.
The one thing you'll see in some posts out there is what they call the loss of primary focus. Parents end up putting all their time and energy into their kids playing baseball, playing volleyball, things like that, and then the kids are gone, and the parents don't have anything left as their primary focus.
You mean the parents do that?
Correct.
Oh, okay.
So that's also one of the causes of the higher divorce rate afterward. Whether they're consciously deciding, "We're just going to wait until they graduate and then start making plans for the divorce," or they don't consciously realize their life is just absorbed by the kids, once the kids are gone.
You don't think people know that?
No.
Really?
I think sometimes you get so focused on things that you might know you don't have a strong relationship, but you're just waiting, thinking, "I'll address this once this happens, or that happens." People always wait. "I'm going to exercise once this happens," or "I'm going to start going to church once this happens." There's always a trigger they're looking for, and a lot of times that trigger happens and nothing changes afterward.
I don't know. I think they know. They just want to pretend it doesn't exist. But you know every day you wake up, this is not my forever person.
I think most of the time they're pretending and they already know. I'm just questioning whether some, but I agree with you, you know deep down whether you really feel that bond.
And is that bond more about the kids, or do you naturally have that bond? But I do want to clarify, because we kind of sound like marriage bashers, like we're suggesting, "Hey, just go get a divorce today, why wait?" I want to clarify that I think if you marry someone early, before you have kids, just do it one time, because divorce does hurt everyone involved. It hurts the couple, it hurts the kids. And I'm a believer that people can be married forever and it can work out if you start on a very healthy foundation.
Yep, definitely. And that's what we want for our kids. I tell our kids all the time, "Don't be like me, just get married one time, and that's it." And the real intent of this wasn't so much about divorce, but how to avoid divorce. If you do have that foundation, what are you going to do afterward, when they leave? Are you going to do the staycations, do things together, and start planning your post kid strategy sooner rather than later?
Yeah, and get excited about it.
Post kid strategy, is that a thing? Let's call it an empty nester strategy. What's your empty nester strategy?
Oh, we've got about ten things on our roadmap.
Roadmap, or vision board?
Roadmap or vision board. I created the online vision board because our physical vision board is still sitting there.
Anyway, so you're saying you're going to stay very busy.
Yeah, we have a lot of projects we want to do, a lot of hobbies we want to focus on, and a lot of traveling to do. And we just like hanging out. We've got a lot of binge watching to do.
You like dragging me along with you.
Yeah, some binge watching, a little of this, a little of that.
So, until next time, stay tuned wherever you found us. Make sure to like us and favorite us and star us, or whatever it might be today. Feel free to chime in, we really want this to be interactive, and if there's an opportunity to comment on what we're talking about today, we'd love to hear everyone's feedback, because these are just some of our thoughts and comments. We do throw some facts in there that we might post on our blog, but nonetheless, it's just some of our opinions.
So until next time, have a very productive and wonderful week. Have an amazing week. Until next time, bye, bye.
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