Tales From My Box
A grab bag of short horror fiction from around the genre. From Western to Weird, your host, Happy Slocum guides you from story to story as only a severed head in a box can.
Come on in and let us invade your safe space!
Discretion is advised.
Tales From My Box
Hitchhiker Horror: The Reaper in the Rearview
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A terminally ill man takes a final drive through the country side on a dark and stormy night.
Encounter With the Angel of Death
Speaker 2Welcome to the box . You are receiving the Tales from my Box podcast Transmitting from the Digi Dungeon Studio somewhere in Washington State . Life is a terminal illness that we all have . Episode 5 follows the last drive of a man whose clock is about to strike , and he ain't all too happy about it when it comes to facing death . Our hero has added a sixth stage to the grieving process . See if you can pick it out . What would you call it ? Leave your ideas in the comments section . This heartwarming episode is made possible by Jordan A Thomas' debut audiobook Coronation by Jordan A Thomas' debut audiobook coronation . It's the story of a teenage couple who've grown up in a concentration camp run by vampires . Check out the links on the Tales From my Box webpage to get your copy .
Speaker 2Grab your Grandma Season 1 t-shirt while you're at it and remember to do all that adding , sharing , liking , subscribing , fingering and moaning shit you're always asked to do in the name of free entertainment . Today's triggers include , but are not limited to , death . Lost faith and jim morrison references . Lost Faith and Jim Morrison references . Kick the Bucket is a popular game . Everyone does it , but never the same Time on this earth is what everyone hunts . You're sure to play the game , but you only play it once , from Anchorage to Everett , and Portland too . Take your eyes off the road and you're surely screwed .
Speaker 1A shadow in the mirror , you can only guess who .
Speaker 2It's a creeper , it's a sneaker .
Speaker 1It's dark , this country road is lonely enough to have a tender profile . The thunder tide above me rolls , endless rain distorts visibility and I drive ten below the speed limit like the responsible citizen I've always been . Oxycodone helps me be a responsible citizen . I'm still scared of making a mistake that cuts what's left of my life short , a mistake that'll leave me just another stiff that came dehanded and left the same , forgotten . Everyone is forgotten eventually . Either that or they became a gross distortion of who they were in the minds of the future generations kind enough to remember them . I have no illusions . Nothing I can do in the next twelve hours will engrave my name in history . Nobody remembered the main after all . High beams on , but it doesn't help much . I want to speed through the stretch of highway to civilization , but the fear of a deer or an elk jumping out to me is real . My little Chevy Spark Econocar isn't made to take full speed impact with a deer . This car doesn't belong out here . Neither do I . This city boy came out this way for all the wrong reasons and the country knows it . The country can feel my presence . The country knows I'm an intruder .
Speaker 1Passing through the blind curves are the worst . Can't see what's coming around the bend . Any drunk hillbilly crosses a line at just the right moment , and I'm a dead man . I'm scanning the roadside for deer eyes , waiting for one of the suicidal little shits to make his move . There's a figure ahead , too washed in high beam light to make out , but it's there , slowing my approach . I turn down the radio so I can see what was it the Lizard King said . If I give this dude a ride , something , something my family will die , no family left to worry about . So what the hell ?
Speaker 1I'm down the 15 miles per hour as I approach , dim the headlights out of courtesy Headlights , spot the figure . Who becomes clearer through the foggy windshield . A scraggly hermit , rasputin looking motherfucker , stands off the edge of the road holding his thumb out while swaying in place with eyes closed . He has a dirty long beard and matching hair . His clothes look like burlap sacks roughly sewn together with twine . I could take him in a fight . At least he's on better shit than I'm on . Part of me wants to pick him up . See what happens . I slow to five miles per hour as I pass . His eyes snap open , empty . His eye sockets are empty , but he's still staring into me as he continues this way . I hit the gas .
Speaker 1Tiny four-cylinder piece of shit can't get me out of here fast enough . I look up in the rearview mirror to watch him disappear back into the darkness where he belongs , eyes bored for a split second before I slam on the brakes . Did I say all this out loud ? Am I still recording ? The car skids to a stop , the smell of burnt brakes and friction roast tires mix to fill my nose with a nauseating aroma . The raggedy man stands in front of my bumper , still swaying Eyes closed . He lowers his head and extends his fist out slowly , but the sharp lick of his thumb comes up into hitchhiker position , killer in the road . What if I hit him and flee the scene ? I hit the gas and a ragged man disappears over the top of the car in a fluttering mass of dilapidated rags , but no impact on the vehicle . I look up to the rearview mirror and he's standing back in place facing me with his thumb extended , hollow eyes wondering why I don't want him .
Speaker 1This ain't no regular dirty hermit , raspy looking motherfucker . This could be the angel of death . Has to be the angel of death . Why doesn't he just take me if he wants me ? I couldn't stop him . I drive along at 20 miles per hour . There's no escaping the angel of death . Don't you think I deserve an explanation ? How is this part of the plan ? How is ripping my life away , the one thing I spent 48 years building , part of your plan ? I was baptized and I was steady at the church week in and week out , 52 times a year for 48 years , but I'm the one who has to go .
Speaker 2I'm the one who doesn't get to see his life fulfilled .
Speaker 1I don't get to peak no big accomplishment , no moment of glory , nobody to miss or remember me when I'm gone , dying Nameless , nameless . Another speck in the hourglass , another look at the Reaper in the review . He's fading back and back and back . But as soon as I shift my focus he'll be there . Unavoidable is destiny . Side of the road , thumb out . I assume the car is driving itself . As I ponder , I look back at the Armalet 15 I have in the backseat of my little pussy city boy conic car . There's a bump stock , five 100-round clips and 1500 rounds of ammunition . My last message to God you eat me out , I'll take you from your garden . Focus shifts and there he is , thumb out . I press on the brakes .
Speaker 1Maybe I'm already dead and in some unavoidable loop that keeps going and going and going and not until I pick this bitch Sort of . I'm at a complete stop on some unknown highway with the angel of death . Why doesn't he take me ? He is the unavoidable . He is the unavoidable , he is the ultimate destiny . He is all I have to look forward to in this world . But he doesn't take me Thumb out , he just stands there with his thumb out . The angel of death is here and he's supposed to take me . He's supposed to take me before I can deliver my message to God . He's here to take me , thanks . Yet there he stands , thumb out . Yet there he stands , thumb out . Thumb out means he wants a ride . Thumb out means I'm the one doing the driving . Thumb out means he ain't here to stop nothing . The mount means he's down to ride . I reach over and I pull the latch on the passenger side door more . Thank you Okay .
Speaker 2I shouldn't have to say don't go on a shooting spree , but apparently I do because of the way that story ended . Please , from all of us at Tales From my Box , do not go on a shooting spree . Lock up your guns . If you even think about going on a shooting spree , please seek help . It is available to you . You can call 911 . You can go to any emergency room and tell them you're feeling homicidal and need help , and you can call the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Lifeline . The number is simple . It's 988-whatever-you're-going-through . Help is available . Reach out before you act out .
Speaker 1Until next time , don't open the box .
Speaker 2Keegan , Chapter 18
Battle Against the Undead Army
Speaker 2. I know all about cars , but I've never experienced one until now . The heavy equipment we used for the temple loaders , backhoes and a couple of flatbed pickup trucks gave me plenty of experience behind the wheel . Never at this speed , though . We're shooting down the desert road with the speedometer pinned at 120 miles per hour . It's an insane speed and I'm not in control of it . Dashlights cast weird shadows over the face of the most gauntly looking human I've ever encountered . Poke has the wheel and my life in his hands . It's horrifying and exhilarating at the same time . A wire spring in the back of my seat has popped out of place and I can't seem to shift into a position where it isn't sticking me in the back . A smell of old cigarillos makes me hold my breath for long periods while poke drones on and on about his life story and the vampire hunting business . What I've learned so far If you sever a vampire's head clean off the neck , the head will remain preserved and you can turn it in at a clearinghouse and collect a bounty . However , if the head does not come off clean , everything will turn to ash and you put your life in danger for nothing .
Speaker 2I met an Australian fella named Michael Kelly . He was doing trick boomerang shows with a carnival I fell in with . After my whore of a mother kicked me out of the house , we got to talking about the occult and since my whore of a mother was all into that shit , since the time I can remember I kept up in conversation with him . He must have liked me some because he took me under his wing and taught me everything he knew about boomerangs . Once I started hunting vampires I made sassy . Here he taps his jade boomerang with his bony finger . He has the damn thing mounted on his dashboard as if we might have to battle a vampire while going 120 miles per hour Kind of a tribute to the master . Poke chatters non-stop for an hour . The calf muscles in my leg begin to cramp up from the nervous contractions I'm making . We can see maybe 20 feet in front of us . Anything appearing in the road becomes instant death . But Poke seems unfazed by it all . He keeps talking and talking .
Speaker 2I rode solo for a long time until I met my wife , Judy Mayflower , the love of my life . We were both trying to collect the bounty on Adam Silver Spike . He was a famous first generation ghoulie older than the Bible . Silver Spike was about to split my dome with some ancient battle axe when Trudy came up behind him and rolled his head , Saved my life . We never left each other's side until the day she died . He's making me think of Lexi right now . We spent all our lives together and when it came down to it , she'd rather stay in our little village and die than run off with me . I'll get over her . Plenty of girls my age in the city of Provo . That's where Polk says we're going to turn in the bounty on the Sentinel's head . My love is vengeance . Now Went off and got hooked up with some junkies in Seattle , Got myself a blood disease that'll ash up even the most purebred creature of the night .
Speaker 2Polk adopted vampire hunting as his life's calling . One day , on the set of Battle in the Bush , a B-grade movie about Australian cowboys , the film crew turned into a bunch of hungry vampires and began snacking on all the pretty actors . During the film's wrap party , Polk made it out with five heads and a new career , or so he says . Where are we going ? I ask . Polk shuts up . He stops gabbing on a dime . I wish I had asked an hour ago . My appreciation for his silence lasts a couple of minutes before it gets creepy . I look over at him and he smiles at me . We're gonna see that pretty face of yours in action , he tells me . I hope I'm wrong about his meaning .
Speaker 2A flash of a human form out the corner of my eye and in a split second he's clipped off the passenger side corner of the van . Poke keeps the gas pedal down without a second thought to the person he just hit . I look up in the rearview mirror and watch as the guy laying in the road gets to his feet and starts walking down the road as if nothing happened . He's dead already , kid , Don't give him a second thought . There are plenty of them waiting for you . As the words leave his lips , another figure appears off the side of the road and pokes headlights . We shoot past him , Even at high speed . I'm able to see the dead . Look on his face .
Speaker 2Vampires , I ask Mongrel ? Vampire breeding has , to this point in history , been selective . Humans with a very particular genetic coding were considered candidates . You just saw what happens when a human without the vampire gene gets turned . Someone I know is building an army of them . "'someone I know is building an army of them' "'What does that have to do with me' , I inquire . "'you are going to fight them' , he informs me .
Speaker 2A mob of mongrel vampires appears in the roadway , at the edge of Polk's headlights . He lets his foot off the gas , but it's too late to keep us from slamming into the crowd . The cracking of bones under tires and thudding of bodies hitting the side of the van create an unnatural rhythm . Polk hangs onto the steering wheel as the body veers from one side of the road to the other . He lets out a howl of laughter as a vampire dressed in a three-piece suit disappears under his tire .
Speaker 2You want to know how my old man taught me how to swim ? No , I say Cocksucker took me out to the lake and walked me to the end of the dock . He looks down at me and tells me to kick if I want to live . The van skids to a stop and the writhing vampires engulf us , well aware of our presence . What does that mean ? I blurt out , as a once attractive woman in tattered clothes bares her fangs at me through the window . I know I mean who says that to a kid . Long story short , he tossed my ass in and I swear I ain't shitting you here .
Speaker 2I went out of body Like I could see myself drowning in the nasty water with the algae and the fish shit , but I could hear my old man's voice yelling at me through the water Kick , Kick , Kick . I'm listening , but I'm fixed on a long-haired Asian vampire smashing his fist into the windows far too many times to leave his hand intact . What you getting at , sir ? I don't want to know the answer . He reaches over and grabs Sassy off the dashboard with a wild gleam in his eyes and a giddy chuckle in his speech . Kick or die , buckwheat .
Speaker 2I see him hit the electric window controls on the driver's side console . Stop , Don't , Are you crazy ? The window retracts and I'm stabbing vampires before it's halfway down . Why are you doing this ? I yell . I'm terrified . For the first time in my life , survival is in question . Shut up and kick . He claps back , no choice . Right foot back to my chest . As I pivot in my seat and kick the door with everything I've got , the door flies open .
Speaker 2I'm out of the van and striking faster than a bad memory . Nothing else matters at this moment In my zone . Practicing my religion matters at this moment In my zone , Practicing my religion , Working . Haven't felt like this since I can't remember . Gotta task , Kill vamps . Apply my systematic method of obliteration upon their punk asses . I'm swatting heads off the undead like it's a new dance craze .
Speaker 2I glance back at Poke on the opposite side of the van . He's got his boomerang in his hand and he's fighting off the monsters as if born to do so . I'm not scared . This feels like home . I spear a skinny vamp with an afro through the heart as he dives off the top of the van and toss him into a crowd of bloodsuckers surrounding me , before slashing the necks of two vamps behind me on the counter swing . A quick pivot sees my blade across the top of a charging vamp's forehead . The top of his head comes off , but the damn thing still stands Over at the van . Poke hangs back in the driver's seat smoking his cigarillo , watching me fight . Okay , kid , quit showing off and get in the van . As he pulls away , I skip out of the diving grab of a vamp in a biker jacket and slash my way past a hissing soccer mom Diving into the passenger seat in full stride before chest kicking the old man who dove in after me .
Recruitment for Vampire Apocalypse
Speaker 2Poke hits the gas and mows down a line of bloodsuckers . He looks over at me with the most serious expression . You know . You have a moral obligation to use your fighting skills to help your fellow humans survive this ghouly epidemic Epidemic . No one believed these things existed until a year ago . A couple of online videos surfaced here and there . Unexplained murders in the thousands sweep the nation and it has become quite apparent to the people of the world . My life's work was always just viable and important . I do believe myself a chosen one of sorts and I would like to extend the invitation to you to join me . He nudges the steering wheel to clip a vamp with the corner of the van . I don't owe anybody anything . I reply .
Speaker 2Silence Seems like a full minute Disappointing . Poke deadpans . You can make a buttload of money . He gestures to the head of the village sentinel , perched on the console between us . This guy is rare . He'll fetch a couple grand easy . I'm going to take you to Provo . You'll see how bad it is . If you want to collect this bounty with me , I'll be happy to give you a cut . You kind of helped . How did you know where to take me to fight the vampires ? Poke takes a long drag off his cigarillo and thinks well before he speaks . The thought process shows in his face . He's weighing all the angles to decide whether it's a good idea to tell me or not . They seem to be migrating toward your village .