Just For The Day
Just For The Day
#8 - August 18, 2025 - Lifelong Recovery
"How long do I have to go to these meetings?" Every person in recovery has asked this question, revealing our tendency to view addiction as a temporary problem rather than a lifelong journey. In this candid conversation, Jay and Diane explore why recovery must come first—not just to stay clean, but to truly transform our lives.
Drawing from their combined years in 12-step programs, they share vulnerable stories about what happened when they stepped away from meetings. "I like myself better when I'm a regular meeting attender," Diane admits, while Jay reflects on how recovery saved him from missing precious moments with his children. Their honest dialogue reveals how recovery addresses not just addiction but the underlying patterns of self-centeredness, obsessiveness, and compulsive behaviors that affect every area of life.
The hosts offer a powerful reframing: addiction is like diabetes—not something cured in a month, but a condition requiring lifelong management. They walk listeners through the grief process many experience when accepting this reality, from denial and bargaining to the unexpected gift of gratitude that emerges on the other side. Whether you're new to recovery or questioning your continued attendance, this episode reminds us that recovery isn't just about avoiding substances—it's about embracing a completely new way of living, one day at a time.
Question: When did you realize recovery doesn't have a "quick fix"?
Jay and Diane's Just For The Day podcast is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by Just for Today, any 12-Step program, or any other recovery-based product or organization. They should not replace your regular group or sponsor meetings.
The views expressed are solely those of the hosts and guests. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Welcome back to another episode of Just for the Day. I'm Jay and I'm a recovering addict.
Speaker 2:I'm Diane and I'm codependent.
Speaker 1:And today is August 18. Thanks for joining us guys for yet another episode. We love having the opportunity to share our thoughts with you and to join in this opportunity to recover just a little bit, to remind ourselves, to ground ourselves in 12-step program.
Speaker 2:Right, and what a great way to start the week.
Speaker 1:Remind ourselves to ground ourselves in 12-step program. Right, and what a great way to start the week. So, wherever you are on your commute to work, in the evening, going to sleep, we would love to, and in addition to just listening to us, we'd love to hear from you your thoughts. If something really strikes you in the rings, please always find whatever your popular place of listening to podcasts are. Drop a comment. We will respond. We'd love to engage with you.
Speaker 2:So the topic today is how long do I have to go? And the main quote is the way to remain a productive, responsible member of society is to put our recovery first.
Speaker 1:The meetings have been great. Each night we've attended, we've gathered with other addicts to share experience, strength and hope, and each day we've used what we've learned in the meetings to continue in our recovery.
Speaker 2:Meanwhile, life goes on Work, family, friends, school, sport, entertainment, community activities, civic obligations all call out for our time. The demands of everyday living sometimes make us ask ourselves how long do I have to go to these meetings?
Speaker 1:Let's think about this Before coming to Narcotics Anonymous. Could we stay clean on our own? What makes us think we can now? Then there's the disease itself to consider the chronic self-centeredness, the obsessiveness, the compulsive behavior patterns that express themselves in so many areas of our lives. Can we live and enjoy life without effective treatment for our disease?
Speaker 2:No, Ordinary in quotes. People may not have to worry about such things. But we are not ordinary people. We're addicts. We can't pretend we don't have a fatal progressive illness, because we do. Without our program we may not survive to worry about the demands of work, school, family or anything else. Na meetings give us the support and direction we need to recover from our addiction, allowing us to live the fullest lives possible.
Speaker 1:Just for today. I want to live and enjoy life. To do that, I will put my recovery first. This is a very common thing that an addict deals with. I remember wondering this very thing how long do I have to go to these meetings? And I was always looking forward to the time when I didn't need to anymore, as if I had a problem that was going to be fixed and I wouldn't need it anymore. Right, yeah. And how many times have I stopped going to program? I mean, initially, when I got into the program, I wasn't fully in, so I went for a couple times and then stopped, and then we separated Right and then I went back for a number of years, found a home group, got recovery, got clean, changed my life around, and then, shortly after that, things started to slow down a bit and you and you called this the other day that there were times where I noticed your behaviors were coming back and I'd say, hey, it's been a while since you've been to a meeting.
Speaker 1:And you did the same thing to me. Maybe you should go to a meeting, You're right, You're right. And so there was this kind of ever ebbing like interest and lack of interest and like, okay, is it time now Can I stop going as frequently Can I? I was always looking for that Like, is it time to slow down?
Speaker 2:And maybe there is an answer. Maybe the answer would be when you don't need it anymore because the new way of living has surpassed the old way of living, and yet you're going to give it a trial and inevitably most of us come back to, we're going to fall back into the old habits.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the last time I took a break from the program was when we moved last, and I took a two-year break.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Hadn't gone to a. I go into one or two, but not very many, and sure enough the things come back and it's not so much the addiction, it's my behaviors right that I had stopped engaging in. And I've learned that I like myself better when I am a regular meeting attendants. I like me better if that makes any sense. I also like you better when you're a regular meeting attender.
Speaker 2:I was going to say I like you better when you're a regular meeting attender. I was gonna say I like you better when I'm a regular meeting attender.
Speaker 1:Anyway, that's the first thing that popped out to me. What else popped out to you?
Speaker 2:well, I think that it's really important to talk about time frames because a lot of times you go and somebody was new at our meeting this past weekend when we went and she asked how long I've been coming and I said, oh, about 10 years.
Speaker 2:And I remember when I first started coming to meetings I was meeting with people in their 60s and 70s and they'd been coming for 40 plus years and that's kind of overwhelming for someone who's new in the program and thinking I just have this problem that I need to get through right. And in and in Al-Anon a lot of people think once their spouse or their kids are no longer having issues with alcohol, they're done. Or once we get divorced and the alcoholic is no longer in my life, we're done, right. And those people are just going to the meeting to deal with the other person's problem, not their own, not their own. To the meeting to deal with the other person's problem, not their own, not their own. And that's not enough, because what happens is they will stop going when they think the problem has gone away from them.
Speaker 1:Right, and yet they haven't done any of the underlying work and they haven't personalized the program and they haven't realized that there is recovery to be done for themselves, and thus they miss out all the benefits, all of the new way of life, the new way of living, the new way of integrating with people. And what they don't realize is that what you put out in the world, you attract. You will continue to attract those people who engage in addictive behaviors until you start to change that from within yourself, and once you do, you start to attract people that are different. And all of a sudden. Now you have a community around you, right?
Speaker 2:It's very true. But even with the addiction being gone, you still have work, family, friends, school, sports, entertainment, community activities, civic obligations, and those things are also filled with people and situations that will be outside of your control. That's right that you are powerless over, and all of the steps that we learn in how to deal with the qualifiers in our life for al-anon or with the addictions that people are going through, all of those steps and all of those techniques and tools and resources. They apply to other things as well. They are life lessons.
Speaker 1:Life lessons.
Speaker 2:It's a journey, and so even if you happen to be in a situation where the addiction is no longer in your life, you still can benefit from this new way of living.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it reminds me of. Shortly after Diane and I started going to program, we realized that the 12 step program was what many of the churches that we had attended been teaching, but in practical application. And what we realized was that this is applied, living in a positive way. And how often have I thought I wish I could give recovery to this person, that person, because they don't, they may not, they may not have an addiction, but they're struggling with control outside their, their locus of control, and thus dealing with insanity, and they would have a they and I would have a much better relationship if they would just have recovery.
Speaker 2:If they would just have recovery. That's the codependent in you, Right.
Speaker 1:No, but that's like the thing that's. I think that's a genuine feeling. And so, in answer to this question, it's. It's not a this is. It's not a destination, it's not a problem needing to be solved. That is the, that is the addict inside ourselves, wanting a quick fix. It's a journey, it's a lifelong learning opportunity to have a different, a different opportunity to a second life.
Speaker 2:I like that. It calls it a fatal progressive illness. If you think about it, if you had diabetes, you wouldn't just have a month of no sugar and then consider your situation solved. You would know that you have a lifetime of monitoring your sugar intake.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Maybe taking insulin, right Right, and that can be overwhelming and frustrating, but that doesn't change the fact that that's what you have and that's how you handle that, right. Yeah, and within a recovery program we recognize that an addiction is like an allergy, right, I remember when it was explained to me it's like an allergy Most normal. When it was explained to me, it's like an allergy most normal people ordinary is what they say here could have a drink of wine one in the evening once a week or once a year or whatever, and they don't care.
Speaker 2:That's fine, that's all they want, that's all they have. But the what makes it the allergy is that you don't respond like most people. Yeah instead. One drink is never enough a thousand is too many, because one leads to the next and then it's never.
Speaker 1:It's never satiated, it's never satisfying, until you black out yeah and uh, I forgot what I was gonna say, but I agree wholeheartedly. No, it's okay. I agree wholeheartedly with what you said. What else? Anything else sticking out from the reading?
Speaker 2:well, we've already addressed that we're not coming to meetings just to deal with an addiction, that it is applicable in other areas. It also also talks here, in the middle paragraph here, about the things that have to do with the disease the chronic self-centeredness, the obsessiveness and the compulsive behavior patterns, and I think that it is a really good treatment for those things, that those are kind of side effects or what do you call them, like concurrent diseases that go along with it.
Speaker 1:Well, we call them character defects that go along with them, but the reality is to believe that they're not affecting other areas of your lives is insanity, right? And you should realize that there are areas of your life that you could strongly benefit from deploying these things. And so and I guess this is what I wanted to bring up earlier there's a grieving process. I really like that you brought up the diabetes example. The people that I've interacted with who have that diagnosis and other diagnoses have to go through a series of acceptance phases that are sorry, uh, um grieving process, right, they call it DABDA uh denial, anger, um bargaining, uh depression, and then acceptance. Those are the stages, and I think that an addict goes through the same things. Right, because at some point you're going to have to recognize this is that I can't do it by myself. I need this assistive device to help me overcome, and that's just the way it is.
Speaker 1:And there is I. I you definitely go through a series of rejection. That first year I went through a lot of those phases and then you get to the point of acceptance and in acceptance you're able to really start to enjoy and value a new, the new way of life so, yeah, I remember you going through those phases and I can probably pinpoint me going through the denial, the anger, definitely feeling those things bargaining please take him lord oh gosh, I can't make it anymore, right?
Speaker 2:but I think that you also did that. Okay, well, I'll go. If Okay, well, I'll go. If you need me to, I'll go to the meeting. If I'm going to keep my marriage and she requires that I go to the meeting, I'll go to the meeting.
Speaker 2:But I don't care about it, right. And then definitely a depression when you start to learn, yeah, that that it is a nonstop lifelong thing and that's hard, um, but eventually you, you need to get to the point where you're going to accept the treatment, otherwise it's not going to improve.
Speaker 1:Well, and then, on the other side of acceptance, is gratitude. I hold nothing. You know, um you're. This is a good place, as ever, to talk about your book. You are writing a book right now about our experiences and your experiences with addiction and marriage with me, and the second part of the book about our addictions was much harder for you, and whereas I feel nothing but gratitude for all and it's just it's ugly, I was a schmuck, I was abusive, I definitely took advantage of you. Now there were lots of reasons, right, we weren't communicating and you were criticizing, and there were marriages of dance.
Speaker 1:And yet I've looked at my part and I feel nothing but a tremendous amount of gratitude, because all of those things pushed us to the end, which then caused me to change, and I mean it. I like me better now in program, I'm a nicer guy, I'm a better father, I don't miss opportunities with my kids.
Speaker 1:I don't miss the things that I would have missed otherwise. That would have caused me to be filled with regret. And so, yes, it sucks and there is this, like you know, stages of where you go through but then, on the other end of it, it's like it is a better life and it's one in which you couldn't have otherwise. That you don't know and understand until you go through the steps and commit yourself to recovery. So, wherever you are in the recovery program, I guess I would say that, sorry, don't to cut you off, but you know, if you're brand new, keep going. If you're in the middle of the steps and it sucks because you're facing the reasons why you drink, keep going. It's worth it. There's a life waiting for you on the other side that you had no idea. I can't tell you the number of people I've talked to that turn and say the blessings that I've received, the things I thought were lost, the things I thought I would never have back, the relationships with my children that I now have because of the program.
Speaker 1:And they wouldn't give it up for anything and they gladly come every week because to them it gives them all of these wonderful things not everybody gets that, those healing relationships, though.
Speaker 2:So you know, don't don't go into the program and do the work of the program with the expectation that everything will work out in the end, because it doesn't always. There are still people who are estranged from their kids, there are still people who don't have the relationships that they want, because they've already burned all those bridges and there's no going back in some of those relationships. And yet there is the power of the program to change our lives, and it can be overwhelming. And if it is overwhelming, then stick to a slogan one day at a time.
Speaker 2:Or just for today I'm going to go to a meeting. I don't need to think about whether I'm going to go next year or next month, but today I'm going to go to a meeting.
Speaker 1:I don't need to think about whether I'm going to go next year or next month, but today I'm going to do it, you know. That would I totally agree and that would be an interesting thing If we could have some people on. I would love to do some interviews on this podcast of addicts who had both those experiences where they have had their relationships restored and those who have not, and I would love to get their perspective, because I'd be willing to bet that those people who have not are still living a better life and are and see the things working and it just takes time.
Speaker 1:So it would be interesting to have anyway yeah, okay, well, there you go.
Speaker 2:Well, thanks for joining us today. It is a great topic, um, it can be overwhelming, but we just take everything one day at a time.
Speaker 1:Just for today. Oh, I'm on the wrong day, just for today.
Speaker 2:I want to live and enjoy life. To do that, I will put my recovery first Thanks for joining us. We'll talk to you tomorrow.
