Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
The Enneagram is an amazing tool to help us have way better relationships - and grow emotionally + spiritually.
On this podcast you'll hear stories of people using the Enneagram personality tool
to understand themselves and the people in their worlds.
& I (Elyse) will teach you how to use the Enneagram system so that you feel empowered to use this tool in your own life.
Let's get curious about each others' stories and grow together 🌿
Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
#11 - Enneagram 3s and the 1-3 Relationship with Braden Regier
On this episode, my husband tells us about finding his type!
Plus, hear the story of how we met & fell in love, and alllll the relationship dynamics of a Type 1 with a Type 3.
Braden Regier (3) is a fluids engineer in South Bend, IN.
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For resource recommendations, click here.
The Road Back to You by Ian Cron- start here to find your type
Links for Towards Eden Enneagram 🌿
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Website
Email me 📩
elyse@towardsedenenneagram.com
Get my FREE Guide to the 9 Enneagram Types 🌱
This guide is a great quick-reference to help you remember the types.
It's very daunting the red line progressing across the screen. It's like the progression of time, slowly but inevitably getting to the end of your life.
Speaker 2:To all our listeners at home. Brayden is referring to.
Speaker 1:The recording bar.
Speaker 2:The recording bar that we see on our screen Brayden Regeer, Enneagram 3, my partner in life. I'm gonna change that.
Speaker 1:Your partner in crime. Cat dad, fellow cat parent.
Speaker 2:My cat co-parent, brayden Regeer. He's my roommate, he cooks me dinner about once a week and we got married last year. Brayden Regeer, enneagram 3. You are listening to Towards Eden, an Enneagram podcast. The Enneagram is a tool that helps us tell our stories. I'm Elise and I'm here to teach you all about the Enneagram so that you can understand your own story better and have way better relationships. It's a pleasure to have you on the podcast.
Speaker 1:Thank you for having me. I am excited to be here.
Speaker 2:Brayden has been around as I've been starting the podcasting and he's helped me do some troubleshooting, which ultimately didn't even really work, because there are things that have been very hard to figure out about audio. Now he's here as a guest. Yep, so, brayden, what do you, what do you love about being married to me?
Speaker 1:that wasn't in the question you didn't prepare for that one. No, I've been preparing for the last year and a half. I like when you make me food, not in like a head of the house, I'm doing air quotes Like superior way but it's very sweet and you make good food. I just like living with you. We have a nice house and we like to keep up with it and that's nice.
Speaker 2:So this podcast is about the Enneagram. So I've got to know Braden, david Reed, regeer, is that too much private information to?
Speaker 1:you about the podcast. So I'll bleep it out, say it again I've got to know, Braden. I think I even cut off a little bit of Braden.
Speaker 2:Tell us how did you first learn about the Enneagram? What's your earliest memory?
Speaker 1:So my earliest memory was my siblings and my mom. They picked it up from. I don't know where they picked it up, probably from church, but they were reading through Ian Cron's book and you know, I kind of heard about it through their conversations and, yeah, I didn't. I wasn't really too into it back then. I was more of just like a high schooler and I don't. I don't really care about what. You know what number I am, what is even this? You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So that was in high school. And then I remember when I met you, I could tell when I met you that your family had had a lot of Enneagram conversations and some of your older siblings already knew about their numbers and you were kind of unsure, which was fine. Like you said, you were in high school when it first started, but then what happened next?
Speaker 1:Well, my family typed me as a seven and I don't I. I totally understand why they thought I was a seven. Now it was I. Well, I'm a three. I think you already said that, but just to clear that up, I'm a three and a three likes to be whatever they think the people around them need, slash, want. So I felt that my family needed somebody like a seven, somebody who's very fun and, you know, throws the parties and makes the jokes, so around them maybe I was a seven. You know what I mean. Like I, I acted like that person, but my motivations behind that were not motivations of a seven, they were motivations of a three. So it totally, I totally understand why I was mistyped as a seven. But what ultimately got me to realize that I was a three is I read the book myself when I started hanging out with Elise.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was Because he liked me and I liked the Enneagram.
Speaker 1:Yeah, at that time I was commuting across town which was like 45 minutes a day and it was annoying. So I listened to the audio book of Ian Cron and, yeah, I went through all of them. I got to the seven, seven and I was like, yeah, okay, that I can see Wait seven's after three. So maybe, yeah, maybe, I first went through them, got to the three and I was like the three, I could see it being me, but I wasn't really too convinced, I guess. And then, same with the seven, I was like, okay, I could be seven, three, and then I think that was it.
Speaker 1:There might've been one more, but ultimately you helped me narrow it down more. You kind of asked me questions specifically about my motivations, I remember, and that kind of helped me narrow it down, cause if you just look at yourself on a surface level and what your actions are, it can be hard to narrow down your number. But once I was like, okay, what are my motivations? Like, why am I doing X, y, z, um, what am I wanting to get out of you know whatever actions I do? Um, and that helped me narrow down that I was a three.
Speaker 2:Can you even think of situations around that time that maybe helped you analyze your motivations. I don't know. Was there anything happening? I guess you were in school at that time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was in school. I was working for I was an assistant carpenter. I was working for. I was I was an assistant carpenter. I was working for a carpenter. Um, I do remember being like I knew that my carpentry job wasn't. You know I didn't want to stay there, but I was still very keen to like improve myself and, you know, get those skills and make good connections with the people I worked with and I think that's a very three thing is to always wanting to improve yourself and to get better. So I think that on the work end, that was my motivation that led me to believe I was three.
Speaker 1:I was also in school, you're right. So, definitely in school, I was definitely wanting to get, you know, all those straight A's and I remember my first semester I got two B's and those were the only B's I got in my whole college career, in fact my whole school career, because that was the only school I had Traditional school, that is. But I those, you know those B's, I hated looking on them on my you know my report card. I'd have to scroll down past them throughout my whole college career. They were always right there at the top Every time I was like er, it was two of these and then like 60 A's below that and it didn't matter how many A's I got, those B's were still there.
Speaker 1:But yeah, my motivation behind that is what I wanted to look. I wanted to look like the perfect student. I wanted to, you know, get all A's, but I mean, it didn't matter. In the end it's all. It's all just a construct. What?
Speaker 2:do you understand about the difference between the motivations of a seven and the motivations of a three?
Speaker 1:My understanding is that I'll start with three, because that's the way I know the best Threes want to be. They want to look presentable. They want to look like the person for the job, the you know the ideal candidate for any job you throw at them. You know they want to constantly keep that professional look so that other people see them as successful. Successful is probably that key word that I was missing. And for sevens, I feel like they're more focused on.
Speaker 1:I think they also care about their appearance. Probably not as much as threes, but they more care about if people think they also care about their appearance not as, probably not as much as threes, but they more care about if people think they're fun and they're Adventurous and that they're. You know that person have a party with. So maybe, to narrow it down, a seven wants somebody to look at them and think I want to go to a party with them or I want to go to their house for a party. A three wants people to look at them and say I want to hire them to do this job or be on my team for this. So I don't know.
Speaker 2:I remember when you were reading the Road Back to you and we were dating at the time, right, that was when we were dating and I remember you would call me in the car, like you would finish listening to a chapter and then call me and debrief that number. So it was like, okay, I just read about fours and I'm definitely not a four, and here's why. And I remember when you kind of had seven and you had three and the more I was learning about you you know I was I was kind of trying to analyze it in my mind through what I knew about you. But I but at the same time not like putting a number on you, I like wanted to see what you said your inner motivations are, but I was still like always trying to guess right.
Speaker 2:and then I remember one time I was asking you about fomo, because it's kind of like a 70 thing, to like always be searching for satisfaction and searching for contentment. Um, and I remember asking you like if you got fomo, you're just like no and I was like huh, that was a very immediate no answer to that question I remember that in the book.
Speaker 1:I remember that he was saying like sevens, I've never met a seven without FOMO and like stuff like that. And I was like I, I remember, like I specifically remember, even at a young age, being like I don't really care. I grew up. I have four siblings in my age, like kind of age group, and we all lived in an upstairs and then once Bailey and Brooke got older, they moved downstairs. Actually, I think they were always downstairs.
Speaker 1:Bailey and Brooke were always downstairs and once Brielle got older, she moved downstairs too. And every night they would go downstairs for bedtime and they were able, they had like a tv down there and stuff and they would watch their shows. And I remember I, I specifically remember like I want to sleep, I don't want to watch tv, and I would always hear them, you know, laughing and stuff. But I would never be like I want to go down there, I want to, I want to be with my siblings, and every now and then I'd have, like you know, movie nights or whatever. But yeah, I didn't care and mom was always like are you okay?
Speaker 1:like up here by yourself, like yeah, I'm fine but also spoiler for what I'm going to talk about later is that probably also plays into my self-prez sub-instinct. Is that I focused on my sleep first, then TV or social, or I just thought of that now.
Speaker 2:That's good. Well, we can talk about that now.
Speaker 1:I was going to talk about it more when you asked about Similarities. Yeah, our similarities Sounds good Either way.
Speaker 2:So the next question I have how? How does your understanding of yourself as a three, understanding your threeness, how does that help you in life? In other words, how has your Enneagram journey helped you?
Speaker 1:Sure, hmm, understanding my motivation, I want to be successful and look successful. Um, knowing my motivation behind that and understanding that better has helped. I don't know why. Why is this one so hard for me?
Speaker 2:come back to it later why do you think? Why do I think?
Speaker 1:yeah, why do you what? How do you think me? Understanding my threeness affects my life at Elise.
Speaker 2:I think it affects the way you talk about work, because I think you have you do. To me it seems like you do a lot of reflection about your co-workers and their types and how their types are different from you. So I think like you have a good, a good level of self-awareness about how you are performing at work and I cause you are like a really high performer and you work really hard. And sometimes you tell me about what you're doing at work and I'm like, oh, you're like doing too much or you're like really overachieving, but to you that's coming from your drive to like be successful and maybe like move up the ladder, but I, you're you're aware of all that yeah, yeah, I think awareness is key.
Speaker 1:I think you're right. I think I hear a lot of podcasts and stuff about threes and how they just become super workaholics and I don't think I've ever struggled with that too much, so it's. I think that could be an awareness thing of just like okay, it's 4.30. I still have a ton to do, I may be on a roll and, but it's 4.30. You know, I have a life outside of work. I got to go home. But I think another thing, like you said, is comparison. Like like okay, why, sometimes I get frustrated with my coworkers, like why can't they just, you know, do your work as hard as I do or do what I do? And that's because you know they're just a different number. They're, they're not threes and that's okay. Um, I think threes they have a tendency to be super, like self-promotion, but like a bad way. What do you call that? Like gloating.
Speaker 2:Oh sure.
Speaker 1:They can gloat a lot about themselves. And I have a coworker he's like adjacent I don't work with him a lot but I suspect he's a three and I haven't talked to you about this at all but he's like constantly finding something, a way to work in the conversation, like something he did or like something he accomplished, and I just like see that and I'm like, okay, that's a three trait. But I, you know, I have to resist that urge sometimes. Sometimes I catch myself being like, oh, you know, I don't need to be promoting myself in this way, but sometimes it's good to do that, but yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 2:I'm just sitting here thinking like what I'm about to share is like a reason why we don't want to use the Enneagram to put people in boxes. But I kind of remember before we got married and before we moved in together and I knew you were a three, and I kind of had this worry in the back of my head like, oh, my husband he's about to be my husband and he's a three oh, he's probably going to be a workaholic, he's probably going to bring work home with him. What if he like, doesn't make time for me at home? And I'm I mean, I'm so happy that you're not like that, Like you've really resisted that urge and you're really, you're really boundaried with not bringing work home. And I think I you know, kind of use the Enneagram in a bad way to make an assumption that like, oh, you're probably going to bring work home with you because you're three.
Speaker 1:Well, it's good to have that in our heads and actively try not to do that, because I can definitely get into those tendencies, like when we were redoing our house right before we got married. I was a workaholic then, because I would work at my normal job for eight hours and then go to our house for four or sometimes six hours a day after work and work there and then work 12 plus hours on the on the week and days. So, yeah, it can definitely be good to you know, know that I have those tendencies and kind of nip them in the bud before they get too bad, or use them in a productive way, like building us a house that we could live in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and that's. I think that's a cool part of our story, that we I mean it was a very busy season, but during our engagement season it was also a house renovation season and it was just bonkers because we were renovating this house. Wedding planning yeah and then wedding planning. It was all the busy things. Do you want to talk more about that season, what that was like for us?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was definitely rough. It's a blur in my head at this point. It's like sometimes I'll be in the house and like I'll look at you know, whatever something I was like I I don't remember doing this, like I, you know, I don't know, it just all happened so fast, but yeah, it was definitely crazy. I have this thing where, like I'm never content with just like you know, doing stuff day to day without learning or without growing, at work especially. But then when I have something outside of work that I can put my focus to, like the house, I can just live at work, just like not progress, and during that time I don't think I progressed at work at all. I was just kind of like steady.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean it's like you were getting enough stimulation from the house project that you didn't need to like do extra challenging yourself at work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and also whenever I had free time at work, I would be researching stuff to do at the house or, like you know, buying you know different tools, right, exactly. So I think since then my work and my career has taken off more.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause I have more time and energy towards that. But it's weird to me because I don't have I don't work any more than I did, you know, physically more more hours than I did, but it's just that mental space that you know. I have more mental capacity, so it's interesting to me.
Speaker 2:Are you like pretty? Um, what would you say are the main motivators for you? Wanting to keep learning and keep progressing at work?
Speaker 1:I think a big thing is yeah, that's a good question, like stability. I know that our income now I mean we're we're great. But as our lives increase, as more people come into this family, we're going to need more income and you know that comes. Being a successful worker, successful engineer, that helps you know that income comes with that. Especially in my line of work, they definitely value somebody that's constantly learning and constantly growing and able to outpace the competition.
Speaker 2:So it feels like job security.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely job security too yeah.
Speaker 2:Do you? Is it like fun for you to learn new skills? Do? You get like you know, is there like a dopamine rush. Like you like it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I can't, I can't be still, I can't not learn anything. I my job before this this is this was my first job out of college. I interned at a place for about two years for about two years while I was in college, and I just felt that it was a dead end job. It was still an engineering job and it was. I mean, I would have been probably fine for a little while. It was kind of one of those places that you're not moving up until somebody retires or you know whatever. You're just kind of staying there. And as an intern I was like, okay, I'm looking around and I have nowhere to go. Maybe I'll be fine for like two years, but it's dead end after that. So I upward mobility. I took that opportunity to look for other jobs and the day after I graduated I started. Uh yeah, the day after I graduated I started full-time at MTI and yeah.
Speaker 2:I remember I was like aren't you gonna like, take a week off, like you just graduated college, are you gonna take a break, take a little vacation? And you were like, no, I'm just gonna go right to work that's what.
Speaker 1:That's what our HR director said too, which carried me on. She was like okay, and what day are you graduating? Wait, I have to go back, because I actually started full-time a week before I graduated.
Speaker 1:That's right you did, because I had our classes ended one week, then we had a week off and then graduation, that's right. So I worked that week and, yeah, because I remember telling HR like this is the day of my graduation, and they're like, okay, so you'll start. When do you start work? And I said I can start the week before that. And they're like, aren't you in classes? Like no classes, get out a week before graduation. And they're like like, okay, if that's what you want to do. So, yeah, she brought that up when we did our assessment, our lion, whatever, whatever assessment the lion, otter, beaver, yeah, yeah, because I'm a lion, I think all threes are a lion. I think there's a correlation there, um, but yeah, lions, lions are like the hardworking driven, probably all like the threes, eights and maybe even ones.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Yeah, probably someones. I don't know where this is going.
Speaker 2:Anyways, good talk. Okay, do you want to talk?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Do you want to talk a lot through our story of how we met and all that, or do you want to go right to Enneagram about us?
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:Which one?
Speaker 1:Yeah, we could talk about how we met. It's kind of choppy.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, we can both share in this part and talk about how we met.
Speaker 1:I'll tell a specific story that everyone likes to hear. Okay, well, is it ready right now? Well, I'll have to set it up.
Speaker 2:I'll set it up by saying that we, um, we knew each other growing up, we were in the same church community, and then it was we kind of reconnected when Brayden was in college and I like had just graduated college, um, and was back in the area and we both had gone to a young adults church hangout situation. And I just remember from that day, like I wasn't I wouldn't even say I was, like you know, romantically interested in Brayden, but I just remember being attracted to him as, like the most fun person that I wanted to hang out with that night and there was, you know, 30 young adults there at that event. But I like locked it on Braden right away and I was like oh, he's fun.
Speaker 2:I haven't hung out with him in a while like we're. We're gonna play games together. We were like playing board games and stuff, so that was I would say that was the night we reconnected that was probably my, my seven, my three disguised as a seven coming out.
Speaker 1:Totally, we played ticket. We played Ticket to Ride that night, okay. So my story that goes along with that is that Elise and her roommates had just all moved in to Emily's house Shout out, emily. It was on this podcast, insert episode title. Here. They were all moving in so they needed decor and things to hang on their walls and stuff decor and you know, things hang on their walls and stuff.
Speaker 1:And the previous weekend, uh, we were I was over helping hang stuff up and we were kind of all there as, yeah, as a group, just hanging out. And so elise texted me this is probably the next weekend, um and asked hey, do you want to go and shop for some more decor with me? And I was like, yeah, sure, that sounds fun. So I show up to their house and I'm, I'm the first one there, it's just me and elise. So I'm like, okay. So I thought in my head, where's everyone else? Like, our is the you know the rest of the group that was here last week coming to help us. But no, at least just got in the car. I was like, oh, okay, I guess we're going. So I got in the car too and we drove to marshalls and it was just the us two and that was, uh, at least a subtle way of getting us, you know, to hang out. But yeah, that was. I did not know that was gonna happen, but that was a lot of fun would you say?
Speaker 2:that's an example of me making the first move.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it sticks in my head as one of the key moves. So probably, honestly, probably the first move you raised me up, babe, for Brody, you're supposed to be proud of that.
Speaker 2:What else can I say about that? I mean, what happened from know, from there is you know. We reconnected that at that night and then we had, like some friends from the young adults group that we would hang out with and gradually the group just got smaller and smaller. Then we were like, oh, we just like hanging out with each other so maybe we're gonna keep hanging out. And then we just started dating and dated for a while and then got engaged, renovated a house and then got married.
Speaker 1:Our first date was during COVID. It was right after COVID started to decline we went to Applebee's because it was the only place open.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I had just had a root canal, so the only thing I could eat was mashed potatoes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I ate the rest of your food. Yeah, and we hang out. We also went to Bass Pro Shop because it was also open during COVID.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was a funny date.
Speaker 1:It was a funny date. I progressed from there, Don't worry everyone.
Speaker 2:Okay, so let's talk about our Enneagram relationship. I'm one, you're three. We're going to give the people what they want an analysis of the one three relationship. So we're going to talk through some of the similarities between our numbers and some of the differences. So where do you want to start?
Speaker 1:Similarities Okay, Because we have a lot of similarities, but for every similarity there's a difference.
Speaker 2:So true.
Speaker 1:We'll start with the similes, I think. Well, let's start with the disclaimer, because elise and I are the same subtype, so we're both self-prez, so some of these might be more towards like our subtype rather than if you don't know what that means that we're self-prez, you can go back and listen to the episode with wendy busby.
Speaker 2:She explains what the instincts are. So we all have these three instincts for self-preservation, for social like being part of a social group, the social dynamic, and then the sexual instinct, which is about our one-on-one bonding relationships with other people and like forming deep connections with other people. And we all will have one of those instincts that's like the most dominant in our life and it kind of influences how our Enneagram type comes out. So Brayden and I have been talking about our instincts a lot lately and have concluded that we both have the self-preservation instinct as dominant yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think a lot of our tendencies come out as self-prez. We like, we're very similar in the way that we're okay with going to bed at like 8 30 on a weekday. Um, you know, some people like, like our friends shout out timmy and ariel, who are also on an episode, but they they're, they're always staying out late. You know they're, they're partiers Going to Chicago every other weekend. We are okay with just staying home, getting in bed by 9 o'clock. You know that's a fun night for us, conserving our energy. Yes, exactly. And yeah, neither one of us is upset. They're like, oh, we wasted the night or whatever. No, we're totally okay with that.
Speaker 1:You brought this up a while uh, probably last week, and I've been noticing it more that we're okay with just like we like to be together, even if we're doing our own things, like you'll be reading and I'll be doing whatever, and if we're in the same room, you know. You know, we just like hanging out, even if it's not like hanging out face to face yeah, we're not necessarily like always looking to be like um intensely connected but, like.
Speaker 2:Obviously we like have our moments of connection, but yeah, we also like to be like like we. We know what activities kind of like give us rest and get our energy back and we could be in the same room doing our own thing.
Speaker 1:Definitely.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about the similarities between one and three.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you want to start.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:I've talked enough.
Speaker 2:One similarity between one and three is that we're both very logical numbers. So one, three and then also five, those are considered the three logical numbers of the enneagram. So I think we tend to approach like conflict in a logical way.
Speaker 2:Um problems in general yeah, and I think like there's a pro, there are pros and cons to that. Like I would say, the con is that we both sometimes can have trouble with like showing emotion or like being authentic about how we're feeling about things, um, but the pros are, like, we tend to be like we. We want to be efficient, I guess, with with solving problems and we're pretty. We're both pretty solution focused yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 1:Um, I think ones and threes can look similar in a project. Like our house renovation. Get the work done efficiently, get it done right, look good doing it, look good doing it. And ones want to do a good job and make it perfect and avoid mistakes. Right so on. Maybe like a 500 feet scale, ones and threes might look very similar in their finished product, maybe, or like their you know how they we both work really project right.
Speaker 2:We're both hard workers I noticed that during our house renovation, as you say, like we both we both were in it, like fully in the project. We both like worked on the house whenever we could and just put a lot of effort into it.
Speaker 1:Going back to how we're both logical, we both knew that, okay, our house is not done. We need a place to live after we get married. Yes, we need to finish it. And neither one of us were like okay, like what do we do here? Like how do we?
Speaker 2:There wasn't a lot of.
Speaker 1:It was just like we know what to do. We didn't need to like, communicate wasn't a lot of. It was just like we know what to do. We didn't need to communicate that super a lot. We kind of just went for it. I think we had that in common.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think goals. I think with goals, for me as a one it's actually I don't know if this is true for all ones, but for me personally I struggle with setting goals. I think part of that is, like you know, I'm afraid of making mistakes. So there's like a fear of if I set a goal, but what if I don't like make the goal? But you as a three good at just like executing. I was like tell me what to do and I'll do it, and you had more of the vision for how we were going to get it done.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Plus, I have no carpentry experience.
Speaker 1:You had a lot.
Speaker 2:So what about differences?
Speaker 1:Ooh, this is the good part Rubbing his hands together.
Speaker 1:I think we have a lot of differences, for all the similarities we have. We have a lot of differences, um, and I think that's a good thing. I think the biggest difference, and the one that comes up maybe the most, is how we process our emotions, or just process things in general. I think I am a very quick processor, um, and I like for decision-making and anything, I can be presented with the decision and have my answer, you know, within a minute, maybe for good, for bad, I don't know. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, um, but for you, you know, you need to think about it, you need to process it. It takes you a little bit longer and you usually come up. Maybe your answer is different than mine, but I'll have to say that we process things at a different pace.
Speaker 2:Do you want to talk about orientation of time with that?
Speaker 1:Sure. So your orientation of time is present, my orientation of time is future, so I would focus more on how this decision would affect me in the future, or us in the future. Maybe you might be thinking more of what do I need to do right now? To either make this decision or what will this decision affect me right now?
Speaker 2:yeah, or like how do, how do I feel right now? Or how does yeah yeah, how do we feel right now?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, so both are a logical process, but one's about both are thinking about different time orientations.
Speaker 2:I think I've, especially earlier on in our relationship, which I say that, but we've only been married for a year and a half.
Speaker 1:But you know, I know we'll have a lot to learn Back in the day, back in the day One year ago. We'll have a lot to learn Back in the day, back in the day One year ago.
Speaker 2:Kind of like in those first couple months of marriage. I think that came up as something that was hard for me to see, that you would process things really quickly. Okay, but it would be like within a conversation, so like, for example, we bring up maybe a little heavier topic than usual and we're talking about it, and then you've probably noticed this, this. But sometimes I'll just like you'll respond to something or I'll respond to something, and then I'll pause and I'm I'm still thinking about it because I'm still in the conversation and I just like thinking and thinking and what am I going to say next? And then all of a sudden, here's Brayden talking about a whole different topic and I'm like what are you talking about?
Speaker 2:We were in a conversation and he's like well, you haven't said anything for five minutes. I thought the conversation was over and I was like I'm in the present, trying to process, and Braden's in the future. He's like no, we already, we already talked about it, we discussed it. And now my brain is like on to the next thing yeah, I think I need.
Speaker 1:I have learned that I need to slow down and listen to you and also, you have also learned that I'm also okay with throwing in random tidbits in our conversation and coming back to the main one. Like you know, I can be. We usually have those conversations when we're driving and I'm always kind of, oh, look at that, oh, why is that guy doing that? What is going on over there? And then we reel it back in back to our main conversation. So, yeah, we love to jump around in our conversations.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think processing levels are different and then like kind of in the same realm, processing emotions and where we keep our emotions, and threes are infamous for getting the emotion and then stuffing it away and just kind of putting it in our little cubby hole for later. But later never comes. I made a joke the other day to elise and I said I process all my emotions on February 31st. I put them in a box labeled February 31st process emotions. That's all my calendar for February 31st. Yeah, and at least obviously she likes to process her emotions and get them out and I think maybe to externally it could look like you don't want to process them or you're just kind of the emotion comes and you just kind of like same as me, like just put it away. But for you you're putting it away.
Speaker 2:Well, you're not putting it away, you're processing it and that that can come across as me like getting moody in the moment. Sure, yeah, you know, I kind of tend to stay present and like go with that emotion, even if and and it's harder for me to set it to the side even in times when it would be appropriate to you know.
Speaker 1:But I think, what.
Speaker 2:What can get hard for me is, whatever emotions come up, I want to like deal with them in the moment, even if sometimes maybe it's not the right time. Like, maybe we need to, maybe we're doing something and I need to set them to the side, but that's hard. Or maybe we're like with other people and it's we need to like, you know, finish the party or finish the social gathering before. So I think we both, um, there's not, there's not like a right or a wrong way. But you ask me now, like when we're in conversations, you ask me would you like to keep talking about this or is the conversation done?
Speaker 2:So, you like, give me that space if I'm like no, I want to say one more thing.
Speaker 1:or I'm still thinking and I want, or we can circle back to it later too, yeah, I think early on we had this thing where you wanted to talk about something, I didn't want to talk about it, or I didn't want to talk about it in that moment, and I kind of shut you down in a rude way and it wasn't, you know, very polite or sensitive, and then that shut you down to the whole topic when in actuality, I was okay about talking about it. I just didn't want to talk about it right now, or something. So I think we've been working on that communication where it's like, okay, you can talk about it, maybe it's not right now, or yeah, and I think the Enneagram itself has been helped us understand how each of us feels about that.
Speaker 2:I'll say another big difference that I'm thinking of now I'm in the gut center, type one, and you're in the heart center, type three, and I think our relationship with anger is very different, because for me anger is like it's like right there next to me, like easy to access, like I can grab hold of it, like immediately. Um. And for you, you don't, you don't like feel or experience anger very often at all, at least from what I see. So I think that that can just be interesting, like how we process that. And sometimes, well, I'll say, for me, sometimes I I'm like, sometimes anger feels like authenticity and I'm like why aren't you mad about this thing that I'm feeling rage about and it's not right and the injustice, and you can like let things roll off your back more easily.
Speaker 1:But is there a way that my anger is like uncomfortable or that you just like get tired of it? No, no, I don't get tired of it. Sometimes I can think to myself like, oh, is this outward expression? Is it necessary, is it? Like you know know over the top or something, but that's because I'm, you know, I don't react very. What's the word like heavily? I don't, I don't, I'm not very reactive, um, in general, with anger or any emotion. I tend to think that where it's like is it disproportionate?
Speaker 1:to what's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think, with you being in the heart center, I think you are you have a much better attunement than I do to like other people's feelings and how other people, like threes, are very aware of how other people are perceiving them. And well, I guess I've never really asked you this, but do you feel like you are very, very attuned to like how other people are perceiving us as a unit or like us as a couple.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, I can especially like people that we know like good friends with or family, and maybe sometimes it's not accurate, but yeah, I can. Generally, I have a sense of what people think of us or me.
Speaker 2:So the last question to wrap up this lovely conversation is Frayden what advice would you give to people about being in a relationship with an Enneagram one?
Speaker 1:Yes, very good question, At least. Thank you. Um, I think a big thing is to be gentle with them, with your criticism, um, constructive criticism. Um, I think anything you have to fix about of one for lack of a better word they already know and they're already well aware of it and have been thinking about it and trying to fix it for the last who knows how long. And I think if they're thinking of something and you bring it up and you point it out, then it makes it 10 times worse sometimes, because that might be their biggest fear of, as you know, coming from a safe place and coming from a place of, you know, growth and wanting to help. I think that is very important and that doesn't come without a relationship. You need to have a good relationship with that person first.
Speaker 2:So if you're married, I hope you already have that relationship and that's not to say like obviously sometimes things come up that need to be addressed, and like that's important, but it's about the approach, like you say. So for one, like can you ask questions, instead of saying like hey, you're like doing this wrong, can you ask a question Like hey, how has this thing been going? And then maybe the one I'll say oh my gosh, I'm like actually feeling so bad about it because I know it's a problem and I'm trying, you know, to work on my attitude, or I'm trying to work on this thing about our house or whatever and so, yeah, and I think a one can pick up on any subtle hint of you you know, trying to be criticism, criticized towards them, it's like.
Speaker 1:So I think a way not to bring it up is to subtly hint at it. I don't think ones appreciate that and I think we're good at that, because a three would not either. A three wants you to be blunt and upfront. But I think, yeah, don't beat around the bush. But I think, yeah, don't beat around the bush, don't give them subtle hints about what they're doing wrong or anything like that, because you definitely pick up on them and it's not helpful. I think ones have that super big inner critic and I think the best way you can love a one is by being the opposite of that inner critic. Be, I call it my outer cheerleader. I just made that up just now. So, be their cheerleader, cheer them on whatever they're doing. It can be the most mundane task, but if you're there for them and you support them, they will never forget that and, yeah, it will go a long way. So that's what I have to say about being in a relationship with an Enneagram one.
Speaker 2:I agree with all of that More specifically Elise Riggier.
Speaker 1:Specifically if you're in a relationship with me, which nobody else should be besides Brayden. All right, elise, what advice would you give somebody who is in a relationship with an Enneagram 3, like your husband?
Speaker 2:Like my husband. I love him. Here's the advice I would give First of all, understand that their work is very important to 3s and it means a lot to them if you can be interested in it and engage with it. And you know, I'll say I know Braden specifically but a lot of threes like they want to talk about work because it's really important to them and they're working really hard and they're achieving things. And so, giving them like a great safe outlet to like express those things and celebrate.
Speaker 2:I think celebration is really awesome to do with the threes you're in a relationship with, because, well, sometimes you know, for threes they're like oh, I need to like reach the next big goal or the next big milestone, but it's really great to also just celebrate the little things, like, oh, you had that hard conversation with your boss.
Speaker 2:That's really awesome and I'm like really proud of you for that. Or you, you know, took a great step in a new project and the project isn't finished yet, but we can still like celebrate the little things. And, um, I think, when, like when they want to and when they're ready to because, you know, I've sometimes tried to like push Brayden to tell me how he's feeling when he's like maybe not ready or he hasn't even processed it, and then that just that just like makes things worse, so so he will just shut down. So I think it's important to like understand that threes are like very sensitive and very emotional, but they're not always willing to just like talk about it all the time. So don't maybe don't like expect them to be able to just share what they're feeling at any moment when you ask them, because they will when they're ready.
Speaker 1:Yes, you can't see me, but I've been nodding in agreeance this whole time. Everything you said was very accurate, anything else.
Speaker 2:The time is ticking the time is ticking, um, okay. Well, yeah, I do have something else and this is something that's gonna kind of reference back to our, our self-preservation thing. But you know, this is actually for ones and threes. Typically they're go-go-go people, they're action people, and for ones and threes, they want to keep achieving and keep working. And for ones it's more of this endless to-do list and they feel like they can't rest because there's always more things to be done.
Speaker 2:And for threes it's like there's always more things to achieve and I have the energy, so I'm going to keep working. And it's really important for you to know, if you're in a relationship with a one or a three, to encourage them to rest and to play and to have fun, and everything doesn't have to be about work and to play and to have fun, and everything doesn't have to be about work. And actually Brayden has done that for me quite a lot. Brayden's been really good at helping me know that I don't have to keep working all the time and it's okay if we leave the dishes for tomorrow and let's just relax because we both worked really hard today.
Speaker 1:Nice. I did get my vacation approved this week for December, so we're in the right direction there.
Speaker 2:Yay, so we are taking some vacation, we're going to take some time off.
Speaker 1:Yep, pto, baby Nice. Yeah, I thought that was all very good. This was so fun.
Speaker 2:Thanks for coming on.
Speaker 1:Yes, of course.
Speaker 2:You're the most important person to me, so I'm glad you got to be on the podcast.
Speaker 2:This is not the last you will see of me on this podcast. I will be back. I look forward to it. Yay, thanks, elise. Over and out, love you. I love you too. This episode was recorded using equipment provided to the public by the LaPorte County Public Library System. If you liked this episode, let know. I'd love to hear from you. Tell me what other topics you'd love to hear covered on this podcast. And, as always, you can find more content on my Instagram at Towards Eden Enneagram, as well as on Facebook Towards Eden Enneagram and my website TowardsEdenEnneagramcom.