Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
The Enneagram is an amazing tool to help us have way better relationships - and grow emotionally + spiritually.
On this podcast you'll hear stories of people using the Enneagram personality tool
to understand themselves and the people in their worlds.
& I (Elyse) will teach you how to use the Enneagram system so that you feel empowered to use this tool in your own life.
Let's get curious about each others' stories and grow together 🌿
Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
#12 - Enneagram Stances: Dependent, Assertive, and Withdrawn
The stances are eye-opening for understanding the people around you. At the beginning of this series, I'm teaching you all about the three stances: Dependent (1, 2, 6), Assertive (3, 7, 8), and Withdrawn (4, 5, 9).
In upcoming episodes, listen to panel conversations of people in each of these stances share their experience of being in a particular stance.
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For resource recommendations, click here.
The Road Back to You by Ian Cron- start here to find your type
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This guide is a great quick-reference to help you remember the types.
Today's a solo episode, and when I do these solo episodes, I write the scripts beforehand. I'm here recording this episode that apparently I've been wanting to record for a very long time, because here's what my script says it is September 3rd as I write this episode and I plan to publish this in late October. Okay, now real time, it's actually November 13th today, so this did not go quite as planned, but I am learning, trying to learn how to pivot with a good attitude when life changes. This series has been like brewing in my mind and my heart for a long time and I'm really excited to share this whole series with you guys. About stances, there's going to be four episodes that come out all on the same topic.
Speaker 1:Speaking of planning ahead, making this podcast actually involves a lot of that. I have to contact guests way in advance so we can schedule a day to record to guests way in advance so we can schedule a day to record, make sure I have enough content for the month, schedule all my episodes weeks before they actually publish and, of course, creating the fun little teaser clips for social media. Basically, there's a lot that goes into it, and it's way easier when I plan ahead and, honestly, the planning ahead does not come naturally for me. I tend to be very in the moment and focused on what's here in front of me right now, what I can see, what I can sense, what is on the calendar for this week, and it takes me a lot more effort to look ahead to the future. So the planning I can kind of do the planning, the week-to-week and the month-to-month planning, all right, but as far as like planning for the purpose of looking ahead towards future goals, that is what becomes harder for me, kind of that vision casting towards the future. And that actually leads into what we're going to talk about today, because each Enneagram type has its own orientation to time. So when I'm talking about being in the moment here, that means my orientation to time is present focused, and some Enneagram types are present focused, like me, some are future focused and some are past focused. So this concept we're going to be learning about today is called stances.
Speaker 1:Stances goes hand in hand with this orientation to time and for me, stances is one of the most important elements about the Enneagram that you can learn. I think it's really helpful relationally. So this is one of the parts of the Enneagram that's helped me the most in my relationships and helps me the most understand how people are different from me. So if you can understand the stances, I guarantee you it's going to help you understand the people around you a lot better. These are really enlightening, in my opinion.
Speaker 1:So here are the names of the stances. There's three of them. There's the dependent, the assertive and the withdrawn. So the dependent is the present focus, the assertive is future focused and withdrawn is past focused. So I'm going to quickly tell you which types are in each of those stances and then I will teach you about each of the categories one by one. Yeah, so this is basically just going to be me teaching through each of these stances and then in the future episodes in this series I actually have people who represent each of the stances. Come on as guests to explain what it's like for them to be in that stance, so you'll actually get to hear from people of every single type during the series.
Speaker 1:The dependent stance is types one, two and six, and I was able to have a one, a two and a six all in an episode together to talk about that stance. So, yes, like I said, the dependent types are types one, two and six. These types try to get what they want by earning. The assertive types are three, seven and eight, and they try to get what they want by earning. The assertive types are three, seven and eight, and they try to get what they want by demanding it. And the withdrawn types are four, five and nine. These types get what they want by withdrawing.
Speaker 1:Each of the stances overly focused on a time orientation. So, again, like I said, we have the dependent types. One, two and six are present focused. The assertive types three, seven and eight are future focused and the withdrawing types four, five and nine focus on the past. I'm going to start with the dependent stance. This is the stance that I'm in, so it's the one I'm the most familiar with.
Speaker 1:Like I said, it can be difficult for me to plan way ahead into the future. In college I remember I always remember like make a five-year plan. Even in high school they wanted us to make you know five-year plans, 10-year plans. Those were always confusing and hard for me to do because it's not natural. It's never been natural for me to think ahead that far into my life. I always had a hard time with making those big future plans. The dependent types move towards others to get what they want in life, and they believe they need to earn what they want. This looks like figuring out the rules and expectations, figuring out what other people want and need, and then being hyper aware of those things and organizing their behavior around the rules and expectations of other people or of society.
Speaker 1:Ones, twos and sixes believe that they must earn, and here's how that comes out for each type. Ones are the moral rule followers who believe that they can earn whatever they need simply by following the rules. Specifically, they want to earn autonomy and independence. And ones have this little subconscious idea that if I can just follow the rules perfectly, then people will leave me alone enough and I can have the autonomy that I crave by serving and helping others. And the twos are trying to earn attention and affirmation and love from others, and they do that through their helping. And sixes are the dutiful skeptics who earn through their loyalty and through their efforts to keep their people safe. What sixes want is safety and security, and so they believe that if they can be so loyal and keep everybody so safe, they will be able to earn that safety and the support that they crave.
Speaker 1:These types react to stress by serving others and reading others' expectations, and even by following the rules even more rigidly. So again, that's in stress, right. When these types feel stressed they're going to serve more. Look at other people's expectations more. Get more rigid with following the rules. It kind of just amps up those natural tendencies. They modify their behavior according to what the people around them are doing or feeling or saying. Let's go more into, more in depth into each of these types.
Speaker 1:Type ones want to earn autonomy. They have this feeling inside them that if they can just be good enough, do enough of the right things, then they will be able to earn their freedom and autonomy and maybe someday they will be free from the burden of always being the responsible one. One's deepest fear is of being bad or wrong, so ones will overcompensate when they see others around them not doing things right or not following the rules. They'll overcompensate by digging in their heels and becoming more rigid and by trying to get the other people to be good like they are. The present orientation to time looks like one's being hyper aware of anything around them that isn't quite right, anything out of place, any mistakes that they can see or sense, and it's very easy for them to walk into a room and spot anything that's wrong. That could be, you know, a physical thing like a crooked picture on the wall, or that could be like somebody wearing an outfit that they think is inappropriate. So one big problem with the one's quest for autonomy is that they have a very loud inner critic living rent-free in their heads. So until the Enneagram one learns to identify the voice of their inner critic and disentangle from all of its demands, she really isn't going to have true autonomy. That inner critic is relentless and could be a bit of a bully. So this is important work for Enneagram 1s noticing their inner critic and loosening the grip that the inner critic has on their daily thought patterns. Now for Enneagram 2s. Type 2s want to earn attention.
Speaker 1:Twos care so deeply about the people around them and they are especially attuned to what others need. They assume that since they can pick up on others' needs, it's also their responsibility to meet those needs. Twos are always seeking love and approval from others. Their deepest fear is being unlovable. So this constant doing for others and meeting people's needs and paying attention to what other people want this is the way that they consciously go about trying to earn love from others. They fear that if they stop taking care of others, if they stop meeting all those needs, if they stop being there 100% all the time for people, then others wouldn't love them anymore. The present orientation to time looks like twos being hyper aware of the people around them here and now and always looking for how they can help others. They do put so much of their effort towards serving others and they secretly wish that their efforts would be reciprocated. The problem is that a two is hoping that somebody else will see their needs and meet them, but they're actually very, very hesitant to actually communicate those needs clearly. So again they they want other people to meet their needs, like they're meeting other people's needs, but they're not so great at sharing their needs or communicating clearly that they actually have needs. They assume that if others cared as much as they cared, others would notice what they need and help them. There is a deep pride that sits at the heart of a two that prevents them from easily sharing out loud what they need. And this is the important work for Enneagram 2s that they begin to understand that their people will love them even when they don't meet every need, even when they aren't there 100%, even if they have to say no or set a boundary, their people are still going to love them. Their relationships can actually deepen and strengthen when that Enneagram 2 chooses to communicate their own needs and to accept help.
Speaker 1:Now type sixes. Type sixes want to earn security and certainty. Sixes really struggle to trust themselves. They deal with a lot of self doubt and uncertainty, and so they seek certainty from people or systems or organizations that can give them that certainty. Then what sixes do it could be conscious or unconsciously is they trade their loyalty for certainty. For example, many sixes will align very strongly with a political party or with a church or with a club, and they believe that their loyalty to that organization is going to keep them safe and provide certainty and protect them, because if they can find a leader or an authority to trust, they get that sense of safety and certainty. This could also look like a six building a very strong family unit or a group of friends or a group of people that they will be completely loyal to, and in return they expect that those family or friends will protect them and keep them safe from harm.
Speaker 1:Sixes have a deep fear of abandonment. This is another reason that loyalty is so important to them. They fear this abandonment and they would never want to make other people feel like they're being abandoned. One way the loyalty of type six plays out is the way that they try to keep their people prepared and safe. So sixes are constantly scanning the environment for danger, and this is where their present orientation to time comes into play. They're hyper aware of the physical environment and the relational environment around them at any given time, very using those five senses to sense what's here and now where the potential danger could be. They can see danger from a mile away and they always anticipate the potential dangers Because, again, they want to keep their people safe. They want to keep themselves safe. They voice those potential dangers that they can sense to the people around them, hoping that they can help protect others from anything that might go wrong. But on the outside this can sometimes look like negativity or it can look like a worst case scenario outlook, because sixes want to make sure everyone is prepared in case something bad happens.
Speaker 1:The important work for an Enneagram six is about learning to trust herself. Sixes have good instincts and quick minds, and it takes practice for them to trust their initial instinct before their mind just keeps spinning and spinning into all the possibilities, because that can get really confusing inside the mind of a six. But they can learn to trust those really really keen, wise instincts and sense for the world around them. And so that's the dependent stance one, two and six. We have ones who want to earn autonomy, twos who want to earn love and attention and sixes who want to earn certainty and security. I have a little graphic that I created about the stances that you can reference. I'll figure out how to put it in the show notes, but it basically just breaks down all of the like what the numbers are and what their stance is and what they want to get, what they want to earn. Next we have the assertive stance. This is 3, 7s and 8s. 3, 7s and 8s have a future orientation to time and these numbers get what they want by moving against others and by demanding. So the dependent types were earning and now the assertive types are demanding. So the dependent types were earning and now the assertive types are demanding. This looks like a willingness to move against others and in the unhealthy moments disregard others and run people over in order to demand what they want. But in the positives, they don't get held back by the rules and expectations in a way that the dependent stance sometimes does.
Speaker 1:Threes are the high achievers who demand attention. They do this by accomplishing more and more and by succeeding in their fields. Sevens are the optimists who demand security and satisfaction. They do this by future planning and anticipating the next fun experience. Eights are the challengers who demand autonomy. Eights are the challengers who demand autonomy. They do this by presenting a strong, non-vulnerable exterior and by refusing to be controlled by anyone or anything. These types react to stress by moving against others and working harder or moving faster.
Speaker 1:So let's start with type three. Type threes demand attention. Threesrees are driven high, achieving goal setting. They're good at what they do and they look good doing it. The fear of type three is being unworthy of love or unvaluable or undervalued. They tend to equate worthiness with achievements. In other words, threes think that people will love them if they achieve and they prove their worth over and over and over again. So they pursue success, believing that they will hold on to the love in their lives as long as they keep being successful. Threes have mile long to do lists that they just keep checking off, and you can expect to see threes looking for promotions at work, completing big projects and even accomplishing big things in their communities. At work, completing big projects and even accomplishing big things in their communities. Healthy threes are very dedicated to their families and also see their successes as part of being a model son or a model husband or a model mom or a model worker or a model boss. They take their roles in life very seriously and even want to be seen as a successful boss or a successful dad or a successful pastor. These are people who aren't likely to take no for an answer. They are willing to keep pushing for what they want. They don't really care when someone tells them no. This is actually true for all the types in the assertive stance. They just don't really care if someone tells them no, they're going to keep going for it anyways.
Speaker 1:Threes are future thinkers, so they're great at casting vision, looking ahead, building for the future. This can be in the context of work, family relationships or just their personal life. The problem with the future thinking for threes is that they can miss other people's feelings in the here and now. They can move right past where other people are and lose connection because they're running so fast towards the future connection because they're running so fast towards the future. For example, a type three boss has big plans for his company and ideas on how to get there, and he is ready to move forward so his company can continue accomplishing great things. Meanwhile, his employees are a few steps behind, still trying to understand the vision he laid out, while not even being done with the previous project they were working on. They're not feeling ready to run into the future with their boss. The previous project they were working on. They're not feeling ready to run into the future with their boss. The work of the type three is to slow down long enough to understand where others are at and then to bring them with, not leave them in the dust. This is also true with relationships. Threes in conflict can be ready to find a solution in order to just keep moving forward, but their partner might need more time to process or to sit with feelings before they can move on. Slowing down enough to understand others' feelings and to recognize their own feelings is important work for Enneagram Threes.
Speaker 1:Now Type 7s. Type 7s demand security and satisfaction. 7s are optimistic, fun-loving and always planning for the future. Their biggest fear is being trapped or limited, so they constantly create new plans to make sure there's more fun coming up. 7s have a need for security, just like 5s and 6s do. They're all in the head triad and the head numbers are the ones that want security. But 7s have these quick brains, these super fast moving brains. They believe they'll be able to think themselves out of any danger that might come up, and they also don't like to dwell on the negatives. So, unlike the sixes, who fixate on what might go wrong in order to be prepared, sevens will actually just avoid thinking about what might go wrong because they're afraid they'll get trapped in the negativity. Sevens don't want to get trapped in pain, in sadness, in grief, in anger, in anything uncomfortable, and so they avoid all of those things. They stay away from the uncomfortable emotions. They tell themselves everything's going to work out, everything's going to be okay. No need to waste time worrying. Sevens don't get sucked into others' negative emotions either, but sometimes that creates a disconnect. If the seven isn't willing to be present with a friend who's having a tough time With the future.
Speaker 1:Orientation to time, sevens worry that they'll get stuck in the present. So mentally they like to have one foot in the future at all times, and while the present can be boring or slow or unsatisfying. The future, the future, has infinite possibilities. The possibilities of the future are always better than what's right here right now. A seven can go to the future in their imagination and escape anything they don't like about the present. They can imagine whatever they want about the future. For a seven, planning a future trip can be even more satisfying than actually going on that trip. And many sevens say that when they're on vacation they're mentally already planning the next one. And again, this is all coming from their fear of being stuck or being trapped.
Speaker 1:An important growth path for Enneagram sevens is to practice experiencing the uncomfortable emotions. This has to happen so gradually because truly it is so scary for a 7 to feel sadness or grief. They'll feel panicky because their mind tells them if they start to go into sadness they will never escape it. But that's not true and it's important for sevens to expose themselves to emotions that feel hard. Then they will learn that no, they won't be stuck and actually they'll have a fuller, richer experience of what it's like to be human and experiencing emotions like grief and pain. Those help us connect with others. So the work of sevens is important, so they can grow their authentic connection with others.
Speaker 1:Now, type eight Type eights demand autonomy. Eights are honest, strong and protective and they refuse to be controlled. Eights' desire for independence creates a strong exterior and they can struggle to connect with others when their walls of protection are up so high. The biggest fear of Enneagram 8s is of looking weak and vulnerable. So they combat this fear by getting ahead of it. They will step up and lead, challenge things they dislike and assert their own strength and dominance. They also have a deep fear of betrayal, which is why 8s struggle to be vulnerable. They prefer to keep a small circle of trusted people and they strongly dislike showing their feelings and needs.
Speaker 1:What I've noticed about every eight I've ever known is that they're not scared of others, they're very rarely intimidated and they're so confident in their own power and strength. When eights look ahead to the future, they're making sure that nothing is going to harm them or harm the people that they care about. They're looking to make sure there's nothing that's going to surprise them or make them look foolish. They're great leaders of organizations because they're also like the threes. They're able to cast a really big vision and they have the leadership capacity to then lead a team towards that vision. I've heard about eights that they're all about massive action. They want to take big, massive steps that make a big impact. And when you think about that in terms of the work world or maybe an eight is the head of a nonprofit or the head of a community organization they want to make those big moves that are going to create big, big impacts.
Speaker 1:Eights are really hard workers. They have a ton of energy and they will often run themselves ragged trying to do more and more and more and more and more and more and more. Eights have a really tough time setting boundaries. They have a really tough time stopping and resting. They can totally disregard their own needs and feelings, so much that they just become working machines. On the one hand, you love to have them on your team because they get a lot done, and if you're on their team they protect you and in your family. They work so hard to take care of their loved ones. On the other hand, eights forget about emotions and that brings disconnection from their loved ones. If an eight isn't getting what they want, they will easily run over whatever or whoever is in the way. I've heard Beth McCord describe eights as a snowplow they can run over anyone in their way or they can clear the snow out of the road so that others can safely move forward.
Speaker 1:Part of the important work that eights need to do is loosening their grip on their cynicism and skepticism of others, because not everybody is out to betray them and cynicism actually hurts connection with the people they love. They can also practice opening up a little bit with their closest trusted people and understand that emotions actually aren't weak. They're part of what makes us fully human and denying emotions really just cheapens your human experience. And that is the assertive stance. So I hope you heard some patterns in the assertive stance where the threes, sevens and eights they all struggle with connecting with their emotions. They struggle with the authentic connection that can come with people through emotions. They do prefer to run on ahead and keep moving quickly into the future, and a lot of people in this dance will tell you that actually the thing about emotions is that they're inefficient. So why would I stop and slow down and pay attention to my emotions when I could be more efficient and keep getting more done? The conversation that I had with Caleb, amanda and Kathleen the three, seven and eight is really amazing. I'm really excited for you guys to listen to that one, so I really encourage you, when that episode comes out, add it to your queue and you will learn a lot from this conversation with the assertive stance.
Speaker 1:Okay, there is one stance left, so I already have explained the dependent stance and the assertive stance, and now the last stance is called withdrawn. So this is types four, five and nine. They have a past orientation to time. These numbers get what they want by moving away from others. This looks like withdrawing physically away or withdrawing into their own mental or emotional inner world. Fours are the imaginative individualists who withdraw for attention. They do this by going into their own imaginations and cultivating this persona of being a unique and significant person. Fives are the knowledge-gathering observers who withdraw for security. They do this by going into their heads and looking at facts and data. And nines. Nines are the peaceful mediators who withdraw for autonomy. They do this by ignoring anything that would disrupt their peace and stubbornly retreating or numbing out. These types all react to stress by moving away from others and by thinking and feeling instead of taking action. Let's start with type four. Type four is withdraw for attention.
Speaker 1:A four's biggest desire is to have a significant identity, to be unique, to be special. They definitely do not like being just like everybody else, and so when fours retreat into their imaginations, they create their own worlds. They can easily sit and spend time with their own emotions and sometimes for a four, retreating and going into their own inner world feels like they're able to create this sense of mystery which adds to their significant identity, that others might see them as interesting or intriguing or mysterious. Fours do care about understanding and they like fully experiencing all of the emotions. So if they're faced with an overwhelmingly emotional experience, they might react to that experience by withdrawing so that they can fully process those emotions on their own. And they're going to dive deep into those emotions. I've heard some fours say when I feel sad, I want to go deep into that sadness, just so I can fully experience and feel the depths of what that could be like.
Speaker 1:Enneagram fours they fear being mundane, ordinary or not having a unique identity. For that reason they are notorious for not wanting to do those everyday mundane tasks. For example, a four might not want to make the bed or do the dishes because that's so ordinary and there are way more interesting things to get onto In. That withdrawn place is where a lot of the creative output comes for fours there are many artists and creatives who are Enneagram fours and they can go into that sweet spot of their imagination, their inner world, and create really beautiful, deep things to share.
Speaker 1:One of the struggles for fours is the taking action. So it is natural for them to do the creating and ideation inside their heads, even create these worlds and these stories and these fantasy conversations with people in their heads. But then getting out of themselves and taking action and actually putting their creativity into the world in a tangible way, that sometimes is the harder part for them. And you'll see that that's true of all the withdrawn types Four, five and nine. They all struggle with taking the right action.
Speaker 1:This stance has a past orientation to time. They look backwards more frequently than other stances, relying on what's happened in the past to make their decisions about the future. My friend Rachel, who's a four she was on a past episode she told me that she will make decisions based on how a certain place made her feel in the past. So, for example, if there was a cafe she went to and she had a difficult, uncomfortable conversation there, she went to and she had a difficult, uncomfortable conversation there and that conversation maybe made her feel sad. Then she might choose to not ever go back to that specific place again because of how it made her feel. That whole decision was made based on data about her emotions in the past. Yeah, to hear more about Rachel's experience as a four, you can listen to that episode.
Speaker 1:So the important work for Enneagram fours is to practice moving into their bodies and taking action, even if it's an action that seems too ordinary for their liking. Fours are so connected with their hearts and minds it's harder for them to be connected with their bodies. They can practice taking action on their ideas even when they aren't perfect, or have a conversation with a trusted friend even if their thoughts on the matter aren't fully formed. Idealism can delay taking necessary action.
Speaker 1:Type fives Type fives withdraw for security and safety. Fives are a sort of a mirror image of the fours, but in their logical minds instead of in their feelings. So while fours look backwards and remember how they felt, fives look backwards and look at the data. They analyze the facts and then make decisions based on what happened factually. Type fives biggest fear is of being incompetent or foolish or not knowing, and this especially applies to their area of expertise or not knowing, and this especially applies to their area of expertise. So a five who's a professor would deeply fear not having the right answer to a student's question. A five who's an engineer wouldn't want to be caught not knowing how to solve a problem. What happens, then, with fives is that they never quite know enough, and so they're eternally trying to gather more knowledge. Knowledge is power, and knowledge keeps me safe. They can analyze threats like a six does, but their way of handling threats is by learning more, knowing more, equipping themselves with data and facts, looking at the data. This is why they feel safe looking to the past, because they believe we can safely predict what's going to happen in the future by looking backwards, at what's happened before.
Speaker 1:Fives also have a very limited social capacity and limited energy for others, and so this is another reason that they often withdraw, because, honestly, they don't have it in them to give a lot of energy to people outside their immediate circle. Here's what many fives say about their energy. They have a measured. Here's what many fives say about their energy. They have a measured, consistent amount of energy reserves for each day. They are highly aware of how much of that energy is left and they ration it. They are very careful with who they let into their emotional world, their personal world. They typically are quite private people and they are extremely comfortable inside of their own heads. People and they're extremely comfortable inside of their own heads. They're thinking all the time, constantly observing their environments and making quick calculations about the people and places around them. Many Enneagram teachers nickname the five as the observer because they're always watching. They're really good at observing the details of the people, of the environment, of what's going on around them.
Speaker 1:One important bit of work here for fives is to analyze how much of yourself you're allowing your closest people to see and be near. I would actually rarely advise a type five to work hard to be so social and meet a bunch of people and have a lot of small talk conversations. That's not really realistic for most of you fives and it's also not really necessary. But what does matter for a five is having one or two or three people that you trust and then practicing maintaining really healthy connection with those few people. And one more action step for fives Practice taking action based on the data you have right now. You don't need to spend another two weeks researching for that new purchase. Just go ahead and trust the data you've already collected and trust yourself that you know what you're doing and you've gathered enough knowledge already. And now we have arrived at the last number, type nines. Type nines I know you're still listening because I have heard anecdotally from many other podcasters that nines tend to be a very large part of Enneagram podcast audiences. Love you, nines. Thanks for being here.
Speaker 1:Type nines they withdraw for autonomy. Nines are peaceful and go with the flow, but they do not enjoy being bossed around or controlled, and this is where autonomy comes in for them. Nines want to have the freedom and privacy, to be at peace, to have a sense of inner harmony, and they are not happy when somebody interrupts or disrupts that. But here's the irony about nines you might not ever even know if you have disrupted a nine. They probably won't tell you. But they might withdraw on the inside.
Speaker 1:Nines have this ability to withdraw into themselves. It's kind of like dissociating. They can withdraw into themselves while still being physically present. The biggest fear for nines is of tension, of conflict and especially of losing connection with others that they care about. The tension piece also applies to their inner worlds. So nines don't like holding on to thoughts or feelings that disrupt their peace of mind. They can just as easily let things go in order to stay peaceful. But this can also turn into a sort of falling asleep, where nines are just going through life without a lot of highs and lows, kind of operating in the very middle of the emotional spectrum and going along with what others want to avoid creating any conflict.
Speaker 1:I've heard some nines say that if a friend asks them to come to a get-together and they don't want to go and they've already decided they're not going, they might still say, sure, I'll be there to the friend's face, but with no actual intention of being there. In this situation the nine is trying to preserve the peace in that moment, but they're still being stubborn and doing what they want. Nines tend to be slower processors. This means they might not know what they think and feel about, say, a big decision at work, a big life event, a fight with a friend, until days or weeks later. They struggle to stay in touch with their own opinions and feelings, so it can feel difficult to process what their true feelings even are.
Speaker 1:Being in the withdrawn stance. It doesn't have to mean introverted. There are plenty of nines who are extroverted, spend a lot of time with others, take care of their families, but on the inside they still just struggle to connect with their own voice. And these nines probably have just learned that it's easier to support everybody else's desires than to figure out what they themselves actually want. Important work for nines is to learn how to do the next right thing. Nines can be very busy, very active, they can do a lot, but they struggle to prioritize what's actually the most important thing to do. Oftentimes a nine knows what they should do, they know a major step to take, but they know that taking that step might cause some tension or cause some disruption or be uncomfortable for them, and so they hesitate and they continue to stay busy by doing the less important tasks. So, nines, take some time to figure out what's the important, meaningful thing that you've been avoiding, and then what's it going to take for you to feel ready to take action? And maybe it's as simple as just processing that decision out loud with somebody you trust. Ok, that's it. That is the stances.
Speaker 1:I love this topic because it has so many practical applications. I also love this topic because I think it's really, really helpful to understanding our differences. There are huge differences between these stances and just knowing those can help you understand why the people around you are acting crazy. In your opinion. Stance work has honestly also helped me have a bit more compassion for myself, and it helps with comparison, in my opinion.
Speaker 1:We do live in a world and if you are American, then in the American culture. We live in this culture where those assertive stance people are so successful. They run the companies, they get a ton done, they can accomplish things so quickly, they are in the spotlight and I just don't Like I really just can't move that fast. I get slowed down by paying attention to what I think I should do and what I think others want. Not that that's doing it right. I have plenty of work to do in terms of letting go of shoulds and letting go of acting according to what someone else says I should do. But the point is there are benefits and there are struggles for each of these stances, and our society might glorify and put down certain types of personalities, but that's. Those aren't true. Personalities aren't bad or wrong. Your Enneagram type isn't bad or wrong or right. You're not right and everybody else is wrong. These are all just different and it really helps if we can understand each other's differences.
Speaker 1:I hope that you now are a little more aware of your stance and how it affects how you move in the world, and I hope that you can start noticing more today, start noticing your instinctual reaction to move towards, against or away from people, and also notice if you tend to stay in the future, the present or the past. How can you start bringing those into balance? If you are past oriented, how can you begin to intentionally spend a few days, spend a few minutes each day, focused on the future? If you're future oriented, can you spend five minutes with a journal and write something about what's happening right now, or write something about the past that could help inform how you move into the future? So next in the series it's going to be those panels with each stance.
Speaker 1:I have an episode with the dependent stance with a one, a two and a six, an episode with the withdrawn stance four, five and nine, and then an assertive stance episode with four, five and nine and then an assertive stance episode with a three, seven and eight. So really excited for you guys to hear those conversations, because it's one thing to just hear me talk through them, but like to hear these people who are actually in the stances talk about what it's like for them and what their bodies and minds and hearts are experiencing being in those stance. It is really cool and really eye-opening, and you're going to love these conversations. So thank you for listening. If you learned something today, please click on the show rating. If you're on Spotify, you can give five stars.
Speaker 1:If you're on Apple Podcasts, you could write me a little one-sentence review. I would really appreciate it. It seems like I'm going to be posting this as the holidays are coming up. I hope that something in this episode will help you take care of yourself during the holidays and have a little bit more compassion for your family members or your friends as it gets into a busy season and it's going to be stressful. Holiday stress is not something we can change, right, but we can control how we react and we can control noticing our own behaviors, because noticing is actually the first step to changing and making a positive step. So I hope that today you notice a little more than you did before.