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Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
The Enneagram is an amazing tool to help us have way better relationships - and grow emotionally + spiritually.
On this podcast you'll hear stories of people using the Enneagram personality tool
to understand themselves and the people in their worlds.
& I (Elyse) will teach you how to use the Enneagram system so that you feel empowered to use this tool in your own life.
Let's get curious about each others' stories and grow together 🌿
Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
#16 - The Compliant/Dependent Stance with Elyse Regier (1), Erin Parker (2), and Christel Bublitz (6)
Erin (2), Christel (6), and Elyse (1) talk about what it's like to be in the compliant/dependent stance!
Ever-aware of other peoples' rules or expectations... hyper focused on the current surrounding environment, whether that's about people, problems, or danger... overly concerned with others' needs..and more!
Make sure to listen to the previous few episodes about the other stances: Assertive (3,7,8) and Withdrawn (4,5,9).
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For resource recommendations, click here.
The Road Back to You by Ian Cron- start here to find your type
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Email me 📩
elyse@towardsedenenneagram.com
Get my FREE Guide to the 9 Enneagram Types 🌱
This guide is a great quick-reference to help you remember the types.
We have arrived to the final episode in my series on stances. I actually recorded this episode first way back in August and now it's December. I recorded this episode with my friends, aaron and Crystal, because I knew they were in the same stance as me, so I thought it would be fun to discuss, talk about how we're in the same stance together. So I thought it would be fun to discuss, talk about how we're in the same stance together, and then this conversation did inspire me to go on and gather people to make the other episodes with other stances. So this was, this was the origin. This was really fun for me to listen back to this episode recorded for over four months ago and remember how this series was just an idea way back then, and now it's completed. One quick note before you listen today's episode is about the dependent stance, also known as the compliant stance, and those two terms are meaning the same thing. So dependent stance, compliant stance they're both referring to types one, two and six. Different Enneagram teachers are going to use different terms.
Speaker 1:If you have listened to all of the stance episodes, thank you so much for being here. I'm so happy that we got to connect in this way and if you learned something in this series that's helped your relationships, would you let me know? That would really mean a lot to me. Sometimes I feel disconnected from my listeners when I publish these episodes, because I can see that you guys are listening, I can see the stats of how many listeners and what cities you're coming from, but I have no idea what you think or if this is even moving your life forward in a positive way. But anyways, I do want to shout out Kathleen, my friend from Minnesota, because she sends me emails, when she listens to my episodes and gives me feedback, and that really means so much to me to know, kathleen, to know what you think and what you're learning, and I just really appreciate that. So thank you, kathleen.
Speaker 1:So, anyways, without further ado, here's our conversation about the dependent stance types one, two and six. Welcome back to the towards eden podcast. I am here with my friends, crystal and aaron. Hello, hello again. You know them, you love them and they're back and I'm so happy.
Speaker 2:We are too I love that you say you love them, because nobody can like answer back and say no, where we could hear it, you know. So it's quite nice, thank you, you know them you love them, and whether you love them or not, you love them and I will not be debated on this Exactly.
Speaker 1:Podcasts are great in that Today we're talking about a topic called stances. So the Enneagram, stances, is a really helpful concept that I think is going to help you guys understand your number and especially understand relationships better. Stances is a really good topic to understand your relationships with other people, how we move through the world. And now the Enneagram is broken into all these different triangles Right, so nine types. There's all these different ways to arrange into groups of three. The one you might know already is three head types, three heart types and three gut types. But there's other arrangements within these nine. And so the one we're talking about today is stances, and I'm going to give a bit of info about stances before we start chatting.
Speaker 1:So stances describe how we move through the world to get what we want. So we have a group called the assertive stance, that's types three, seven and eight, and types three, seven and eight move through the world by demanding what they want. They're demanding types. They come to the world with a lot of energy, they move against people and they are powerful and take what they want. And then we have another stance which is called the withdrawing stance. This is types four, five and nine, and these people fours, fives and nines get what they want by withdrawing from the world. By withdrawing from other people, they have an internal reference point, which means they're comfortable withdrawing into their own selves, into their own head or imagination.
Speaker 1:And then the third group is called the compliance stance, also known as the earning types, and this is types one, two and six. Ones, twos and sixes get what they want by earning, by moving towards people, by being attuned to the rules and expectations of the people around them, and so that's why we call them the earning types, because they believe that they have to earn the thing that they want. And I am actually here in the studio with two other earning types in addition to myself, so all three of us are in this earning stance. It's Crystal is a six, erin is a two and I'm a one, and so we are all in the same stance, which is why I thought it would be really fun for us to chat about this topic. And the funny thing is, erin, you were just telling me that you saw a post literally this week about stances and then you texted me the next day about this podcast.
Speaker 2:So it was, it was perfect, and I thought it was super into. Yeah, that was, that was nice. Um, I just thought it was, it was perfect, and when I read through it I was like, well, that's me if I've ever read anything. So the fact that you wanted to talk more about it was super exciting for for both of us actually.
Speaker 1:So so the post that aaron saw is from an instagram account called enneagram, with jb and this account. Jackie brewster runs this account and she has some really pretty graphics that give some really clear information about enneagram types. So we're actually just going to start by reading off of this graphic, because this is what you saw this week, and then we'll chat about it because, yes, we are in the same stance, but of course, there's always differences between our three numbers. So we'll talk about the similarities and differences. Who wants to read?
Speaker 2:Well, I'm a two, so you know I'm going to volunteer. Would you like me just to go one at a time or just read them all? Read them all? Ok, whatever, just to go one at a time or just read them all, read them all, okay, whatever you would like.
Speaker 1:See me earning my way into this podcast.
Speaker 2:So the first point says people in the compliance stance get their identity from outside of themselves. They move towards others, hoping to find stability and security. They ask questions, seeking guidance and reassurance, hoping to arrive at a decision they feel comfortable with. They form opinions and find security in the world around them by watching what others are doing and learning, and learning what is expected of them. And they are more community driven than people in different stances. Boom.
Speaker 1:Is there one of those points that stands out to you guys right away?
Speaker 2:I'm going to let Crystal go first, because I feel like I know which one is hers. You know what?
Speaker 3:As soon as you said the last one, that we're more driven than people in different stances. No, that's not right. We're more community driven.
Speaker 1:Wait, I'm not more driven. I drove here so I am more driven than all the other members. No, that's not right.
Speaker 3:Some things are ugly. Let me try again. I did take my glasses off, maybe that's the problem. Community driven yes. Yes, I felt a lot of that in seasons of work and seasons of volunteering. There's something about bringing people together that is just so special. So, yeah, that's me.
Speaker 2:But I also can I mention that we go walking in her neighborhood every day and this sweet six is so concerned with her neighborhood that if there is a weed, that she will go in her neighbor's yards and pull out their weeds for them, or if there's every nail to be found in the neighborhood will be found and discarded you don't know how many flat tires you've avoided.
Speaker 3:Right, you have six in your neighborhood.
Speaker 2:And if there's a rock she will make sure it gets back Like she's. She's so in tune and is constantly moving towards and helping other people. I mean, I've just seen it in the neighborhood. I've watched her also with Pickleball and stuff. But it's really quite incredible to watch a six in action, because I'm just you know do-do-do and she's like nail, weed, crack. I'm like wow, okay.
Speaker 3:So yeah, she sees people, I see things.
Speaker 1:You see the things where you can help people avoid problems. Okay, so we're here in the compliance stance. You might have heard this described as the dependent stance. Again, there's so many topics where the Enneagram world they cannot make up their minds on what terms they want to use. Different teachers use different terms. So if you hear dependent stance, compliant stance, earning types, this all means the same thing. We're talking about the same thing with all of those words. So let's talk about what each of these types wants.
Speaker 1:Type one sits in the gut triad and all the numbers in the gut triad. They want autonomy. So, type one, their way to get autonomy is by earning. So ones are trying to follow the rules and do what's right and meet other people's expectations so that they feel that they've earned their right to autonomy. Now Enneagram twos sit in the heart triad, with threes and fours, and all the numbers in the heart triad want attention. And so twos are earning attention and they're doing that by helping, serving, paying attention to people's needs, giving of themselves to help people and to really be there for people, and that's their way to earn that attention that they desire.
Speaker 1:And then sixes are in the head triad, along with the fives and the sevens, and what the head triad wants is safety and security. So, sixes, what they're earning is working towards is that safety and security. Sixes think that if they can attune to people's expectations and they can align with the right system, that's going to keep them safe and if they can be loyal, then all those things are going to earn them security, which, ideally, whatever system or group that they've aligned themselves with is going to be loyal back to them and keep them safe. So what's that like for each of you in terms of what your, what you, what your type believes is earning?
Speaker 2:When you said the attention, I also kind of would do like a backslash love for two. So and it's funny because we have this, I have this conversation with Crystal all the time. I'm always like would you, would you still be my friend if I didn't do all the things, if I, if I, if I didn't help, if I, if I didn't, you know, offer to do these things? And of course her answer is always yes, because she's the best friend ever.
Speaker 2:But I feel like as a two, we feel if we're not constantly doing helping, showing up, being the light in the room for everybody, people won't want us around, people won't care about us, love us. So we constantly are running Like I feel like I'm running towards people all the time. What can I do? How are you? You're so great, what do you need? And so it gets exhausting. But it also feels you end up questioning a lot of relationships you have, because it's that question's always there Do they love me because I'm doing something or do they actually just love me as a person? So it's kind of a double edged sword. We're so dependent and wanting of that love and attention, but oftentimes we go so far and over helping to get it.
Speaker 1:I guess so far and over helping to get it. I guess, Do you ever find that you test relationships by stopping doing all the things to see if they still love you.
Speaker 2:We kind of had that conversation the other day. I would say, no, it's rare that I do that because rejection is so it's one of the core fears of a two. So the thought of even being rejected by somebody I'm trying to like test is too scary for me. Sometimes. If it gets to be too much, I'll just walk away, like there is a line for twos. If it's too much and we're doing too much to get that love and we don't feel loved as a person by ourselves, then we will eventually reach a point where we're like OK, I'm done, bye, so there's no testing, it's just a turn and walk, it's more of a just cut it off. Yeah, because I can get too much, because our whole identity kind of becomes wrapped up in that and that's not healthy. Sorry, that was a deep dive. No, that was great.
Speaker 1:That's really helpful. I mean, it's the question we're asking here is what's it like to be you, what's it like to be you, what's it like to be me? And so people can understand how things work inside of our heads and hearts. So Crystal type sixes they're earning for safety and security Type sixes, our brains are busy.
Speaker 3:Every relationship that I have, if there's something going on in our life, whether it's Yerah or if it's a problem or if it's a crisis I'm always thinking on. I'm not, I try not to be a fixer, I try not to deep dive, but I am certainly thinking of things that I can do, things that I can offer listen, support and, part of that, safety, depending on what the relationship is when I think of it. In marriage, if all is well and my husband has everything that he needs, things that I can do to help things go easier, flow easier for him, that gives me a safe feeling because he can attend to all the things that he does. It's not his and hers, it's ours. But our relationship flows well because of the things I predictably do, so that he doesn't have to be distracted by that stuff so he can focus in on what he needs to do.
Speaker 3:As far as my best friend goes, if I perceive that there's something that might be a challenge or a danger to her emotionally, I'm very protective physically.
Speaker 3:If there's anything that she needs, I want her to be okay so that we can be okay, because how we show up in a room does affect that relationship too. I want that relationship to be safe and if we hit a weird spot where one of us isn't talking or you look at each other's body language, you're like what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong? For me to feel secure, I need to know what's right, okay, uh-huh, when I think of family members, if something pops up suddenly, I am a big time soldier, so I am, I'm there to catch and receive and to offer, and it's hard to stand on the sidelines sometimes and not go running into situations. I feel most secure if those that I love and those that are in my sphere of people that I care for are okay. So if there's anything that I can do, I'll offer that up. So, earning safety in those relationships, I want to make sure and do my part.
Speaker 1:What does it look like if someone in your life is not okay? What's an example of that? And then how does that affect you?
Speaker 3:I have a list of things that I can do If I wake up at 3am that's when it's most active. If I can't get back to sleep, then I'll start to think about scenarios and things that are going on and I'm brooding.
Speaker 1:I'm brooding. I think a lot of sixes listening can relate to you with that, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I potentially I don't even know may have an ulcer. So here's an example of the beautiful part of a six. She woke up at 3 am and then when I stopped by her house that day, she knew every type of ulcer. She asked me various questions of symptoms, of what it could look like, so that it could help narrow it down and help me figure out the best path forward so that I could get healthy, because she needed me to be okay. So she it was. It was amazing. She had this. What was the honey called?
Speaker 3:Manuka honey.
Speaker 2:She had. She had all these different things and told me and she sent me this long text of things I could get at the grocery store that would help my stomach. And it was just. It was incredible because that's I think, when she, when somebody in her sphere needs help, she has the full like here's what we can do, actionable steps right here that we can do to make it better. It's, it's incredible. I've never seen anything like it.
Speaker 1:That's that magic of a six always being prepared. And I'm I'm having an aha moment here because my mother-in-law, she has the big cabinet of the medicine cabinet of all the things and the vitamins and the supplements and the top of the things cabinet of all the things and the vitamins and the supplements and the top of the things, and like literally any time my husband or I have you know any health anything, my first thought is let's go ask your mom, because I'm sure she'll have something, something that can help us, because she's so prepared, but they do it in such a nice way too.
Speaker 2:It's not shaming. She's like sixes will, just like you said, soldiering. They will come alongside you and they will go through it with you. They're not just going to like look down the hole and be like hope you feel better, like she climbs on down there with her list of here's what you can do. And it's, it was so. As a two, you know when you need somebody to love you, to feel appreciated.
Speaker 1:And then she shows up with that, or she sends me the text of all the things I could get when I'm at Walmart and freaking out, and it was awesome, it's cool too, because in that head center, Crystal is doing the research and the data collection for you and, like she's, she's using her brain to say look, I've done all this research and thinking because this is my way of showing you love.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's my heart was like, oh, because I'm definitely thinking repressed, so like I can't, that's not my go to. So she totally took care of that for me so that I could calm down, move through the aisles, and then this whole week she's been just phenomenal. So I think you know to answer your question like how does that show up for a six? I can give you a perfect example, because it just happened this week. Where she was, she showed up big time and every piece of information I needed I got. And then she knows every type of ulcer I could potentially have and is ready to help me with it.
Speaker 1:So Any other thoughts on that?
Speaker 3:Crystal, Crystal, the prepared six, crystal, the prepared six. It's just, it's comforting and it can also be maddening. It just depends on the sway of the situation. Advice is welcome this is the trick. Or, if it's not yet being comfortable with you know, you can offer all the things and you can give all the advice. But you also need to be aware that it might not be what this particular person needs at a time, or wants right or wants so one of the things. I did this with my kids when they were still living in the house. It's OK to say no, so I don't take it as rejection, it's like no worry, you know there's a, there's an out. I know that I offer stuff up all the time and this might be silly. I'm just trying to find a place for it. Would you like this? Keep a bitch. You know when you're going through stuff or whatever. It's just how I function. It's just where my heart lands.
Speaker 1:Good examples. I'll talk a bit about what it looks like for the one let's go To want to earn autonomy. Yeah, I think the one thing that everyone needs to know about the Enneagram one is our inner critic is very loud. Our inner critic is always in our head saying you didn't do this good enough, or do this better, or have you thought about changing this? Or oh, look another mistake that I see in front of me. Maybe you should do something to fix that mistake. Or the dishes aren't done. Look what's wrong in the kitchen. And so it's.
Speaker 1:I think it's a similar thing to you, crystal, where it's a busy brain. The brain is always over-functioning in a way that can become unhealthy when we're on autopilot and with the autonomy piece on autopilot and with the autonomy piece, I really do feel that at my core. I think my desire is that I'm good enough, that people see me as good enough and leave me alone and don't expect anything from me. But there's something in me that's like, on one hand, there's a voice inside of me that probably I'll deal with this for the rest of my life, saying you're not good enough yet, or this X, y, z part of your life is not good enough yet. So keep working, and working, and working until that becomes good enough. And, as a one, being aware of that is, of course, so important, because I don't. I don't always have to believe that, I don't always have to buy into that, but it's still there.
Speaker 2:And I think I feel like I have to earn rest. Really is that like a lady in?
Speaker 1:the back of your head a lot if you're not doing enough. Well, well, here's the thing everything is never done. Like the world is never perfect and all the things are never, are never done. So it's like for an Enneagram one. It's like I have this giant to-do list and that, realistically, in this life, that to-do list never will be finished, ever. But I'm always aware of it and so I'm always aware of what else needs to be finished or what's not done yet or what could be better.
Speaker 1:And I do have this voice in my head saying if there's something that could be better and you could be making it better, why are you taking a break? Why are you resting? You could be making the world a better place or you could be making your home better. And so I have this internal battle of, like, have I done enough? Can I sit down and rest and take a break?
Speaker 1:And thank God, I married somebody who encourages me to rest and he's very good at saying it's okay, you can stop. Or he'll say we don't have to clean the kitchen, we can do it tomorrow, let's just. Let's just go sit down. And that's really great for me to have a partner who, like, speaks those truths to me Because, yeah, it's, it's exhausting in a different way because I'm in the body triad right. So my earning feels like it has to do with my body and like always being active and always moving, and you might notice with Enneagram Ones in your life that they can't relax, they can't sit down, they can't sit still, they're always trying to do more things, and so that is a little bit about how it feels to me to be in the compliance stance.
Speaker 2:Interesting. How is that showing up with this podcast, as you're trying to get this off the ground and you're trying something new, and does that feel like?
Speaker 1:Okay, first of all, it feels like my default way of approaching a new thing is to look around at what other people are doing, so that I have like an expectation of what mine should look like. And what I'm trying to actually move towards is like understanding that I I bring unique gifts, that in what I create and what I produce might not need to look like what other people are doing. But my default is like to look at how are other people creating their podcasts or how are other people doing their social media, and then, in a certain way, I feel like I need to copy, or you know, so does that make sense.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm looking at that third point. Like they ask questions and seek guidance and reassurance, hoping to arrive at a decision they feel comfortable with Almost kind of you modeling off of what's a route like what are the other Enneagram people doing? Because then I'll feel maybe I'm on the right track.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I do feel like I need reassurance. That really resonates with me, especially with the inner critic living in my head. I feel like I do question a lot, like is this good or is this right? Or, you know, are other people gonna like what I'm putting into the world and oh, that's interesting?
Speaker 3:so what's the question? I'm sorry. Who are your go-to people for reassurance? Do you have?
Speaker 1:I think I I have different people for different things. Like Brayden, he is going to just I know that he's going to reassure me no matter what and anything that's going on, so I can, I feel like I can confide in him and I have a couple of really good friends who know me really well. It's funny like this is I'm going to repeat something that happened this week and try to let it soak a little more, because I also sometimes like I seek reassurance but at the same time, sometimes I'll rush past the reassurance and just get back to like doing, doing, doing. Oh, that's interesting.
Speaker 1:But my Enneagram mentor, krista Harden, who I trained under her to become a certified coach, but I was emailing with her this week and she emailed me back saying I'm so excited you're doing a podcast, this is your gifts, you're going to be amazing, so happy for you. And that means a lot to me that somebody who I like really look up to is encouraging me and cheerleading me on. And I think that when sometimes I feel some envy for, for the assertive stance, the threes, sevens and eights, because I look at them and I just think they just can do. They can do anything they want to and they don't. They seem to not question themselves and they seem to be able to push themselves so hard and I I think sometimes that's where I feel envy is like, wow, if I was just one of these demanding types, then maybe I could be conquering the world and not being so held up by all of my doubts and insecurities.
Speaker 2:Right, I look at you. You were asking, like the question, like am I good, am I right? I would think, like the two's question is will I be loved? Is it? Do you love me? And yours is like are we going to be safe? Is this OK? Do you love me? And yours is like are we going to be safe? Is this OK? Which keeps us Back and from moving forward and taking the lead, like to be those assertive people which were like man, yes, you guys don't know how lucky you are that we don't have that, because we like our numbers, like we would run the world, can you imagine us?
Speaker 2:It would be like the best. But yeah I, when you said that is this good, am I right? I was like, well, what's my question? It's like, will you love me? Which holds me back, Because if I think no, you won't, then I'm going to fall in line and I'm going to be compliant and dependent to do whatever action I need to do to earn that. So if it's not safe for you, if you don't feel, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2:It's kind of sad because I think I've held myself back from a lot of things because of that question in life.
Speaker 1:And I think with me describing some envy that I might have towards the demanding types. At the same time, Sometimes I feel actually a resentment towards those types because they take what we want.
Speaker 1:Well, because, like, why? Why aren't you you three, seven or eight? Why aren't you caring more about the people around you? Or why aren't you caring more about tending to people's emotions and needs? You know, because sometimes it's like steamroll, yeah, and that's. I mean, that's an over general generalization, everybody is not like that, but, as the compliant stance, we do have that gift of being attuned to the people around us and taking care of the people around us because I feel like that's all I do.
Speaker 2:I can't even imagine being like peace out. I'm going to go take care of myself and just worry about myself, because I'm like all I ever do is worry about other people like this. That must be freeing just to be inside your own mind.
Speaker 1:And that's so unrelatable to me too. Like a four, a five and a nine, can they just have this ability to withdraw and be unaffected?
Speaker 3:by the people around them. I don't have the energy for this, therefore, I'm out. Yes, it's incredible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm just unaffected. I'm not sitting here thinking about what this, what this friend or family member is thinking, or? Saying about it and I think that's where the three of us get caught up is by the overthinking and the what is that person thinking? Or what did they think about me? Or what's going on in their heads?
Speaker 2:you know, I think we can play those guessing games or like go over a conversation that you had and the 50 million ways you wish you would have handled it, or do you do that?
Speaker 3:crystal. Oh, one of my favorite things, it's a mad libs. Yes, call it mad libs. So I'm always thinking if I don't have enough information about what this particular person is thinking or feeling, I will write my own story to the nth degree. Oh, my goodness and swear that I know exactly what they're thinking or saying about me. And then I find out the truth sometimes, because most of the time you don't you just fill out your Mad Libs and you put them away. Most of the time it's off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I definitely do that. The mind reading and the mind reading is unproductive because we don't actually know.
Speaker 3:We don't actually know You're sitting there doing puzzles when you can actually be getting something done, yeah.
Speaker 1:So this is towards safety. This is the other thing that's really important to recognize about our stance is that once, twos and sixes, all three of us are thinking repressed, amen. So what that means is we think so much Okay, our brains are working all the time. It doesn't mean that we don't think. It means that our thinking is unproductive. Yep.
Speaker 3:Ouch, it hurts.
Speaker 1:It hurts. And a quick blurb about why the unproductive thinking is happening in each type is for the ones, it's the inner critic. The inner critic is unproductive because it's holding you to this unbearably high standard and not actually always saying things that are true. For the twos, it's unproductive because the two has such a focus on outside themselves and such that focus on other people that they say Enneagram twos do their feelings and then the thinking just takes the back burner because they're feeling, feeling and acting on the feelings. And then for the sixes, it's the busy brain, it's the inner committee, the inner committee in your brain that's always telling you what about this, what about that? Have you thought of this? Have you thought of that? What if this goes wrong? Or what if this happens? And it's spending so much brain power, all three of us spending so much brain power, thinking about things that may or may not happen, may or may not be true, someone might not even be thinking about us, and it's five hours later and we're still thinking about that thing that they said.
Speaker 3:There's a lot of head shaking going on, a lot of head shaking.
Speaker 2:Guilty.
Speaker 3:Guilty guilty guilty.
Speaker 2:Yeah, feeling seen. I've had insomnia, I think my entire life, oh wow. And so we always talk about, like what goes through your brain when you wake up at 3 am and mine's all relational. It's like people, people, people, people. What do I got to do? Who needs me here? Hers is like preparing and securing and making sure people are safe, and what does she need to do. And it's like my brain just cannot shut off and it's rarely productive. It's not like I'm, you know off, changing the world. I'm just constantly spinning in my brain. Sometimes we might just be creating more problems than we're solving.
Speaker 2:I would. Yeah, I would bet that that's the case. But yeah, I would definitely agree that I feel something and then I immediately act on it, and a lot of times it's not often wanted. They're like I didn't need that or it's okay, you don't have to do that, and I'm like okay, all right, I'll sit back here until you're ready for me to come back up, but for sure.
Speaker 1:Because sometimes you are, you are seeing the needs before the person sees their own needs and you say, well, I know what you need, Just let me, let me let me fix it.
Speaker 2:How silly does that sound Like when you hear that like I already know what you need. Like let me go. Let me do this prior. Like I try whenever we're in the kitchen and she's cooking, I like try to figure out. I'm like she's probably going to need the trash can in like five seconds, so I'm going to go ahead and have it already held out, like I already like it suddenly appears.
Speaker 2:It's like oh, thanks, so it's, it's. It's like a game to me. It's like what could you possibly need? And I'm gonna do it before you even say it, so that you know that I'm in tune with you and you know that I'm paying attention to you and I love you. I got you. It's exhausting. I want to withdraw, but I can't because I'm not in that stance.
Speaker 1:So that was a really good description. Thank you and for the sixes. Let me think what were we just talking about? Oh yeah, the thinking repression. What is the unproductive? Thinking the unproductive, feel like to you.
Speaker 3:It's the 3, am thinking. I mean it's it's a way to occupy and pass time. To be honest, I'm awake. I'm probably not going to go back to sleep. What should I think of? And then you've got about 10 things that little pop-up windows that just occur, and then you're listing the detail and the Roman numerals and the smaller letters and the detail and you look at the clock and you go okay, that was an hour detail and you look at the clock and you go okay, that was an hour.
Speaker 1:What percentage of those 3 am thoughts would you say, have to do with things that have already happened, things that are happening now or things that might happen in the future?
Speaker 3:if you could break it down, that's fantastic, golly, that is a fun question, thinking of circumstances, definitely looking into the future. It's also it's almost a prideful thing To think about things before anybody else does. Ok, so that you can like Funnel that energy towards getting it done. Sometimes it's it's bigger and more detailed than you need to. When I leave my dogs, if we leave town, we have every possible dog supply coming to our front porch before we need to head towards the airport, because it helps make me feel safe and make them feel safe and make sure whoever's taking care of them is safe. And it's funny because it's even to the degree of what if the power goes out? So we feed our dogs frozen dog food. What if the power goes out?
Speaker 3:So my freezer is lined with extra ice just to buy some extra time, and the power did go out this last time that we left town. And did you say I told you so? No, I didn't. She already had me prepared for it. So I already knew what I was going to do with her freezer full of food, had it gone on too long?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we were. She was good, I had she. She leaves me every possible situation that could happen, so that she knows that when she leaves she can. I'm OK, I did everything.
Speaker 3:Everything that I could think, of which there's a few things I done.
Speaker 2:She didn't realize there was going to be like a tornado so but I handled it, so we're good.
Speaker 1:But just does this sound accurate? You're doing all the preparation, crystal, because that's your way of showing love to Aaron. So if something goes wrong, aaron doesn't have to spend the brainpower figuring it out, because you've already figured it out Exactly, or the time, or you know anything, I don't.
Speaker 3:I don't want her to be in a situation where she doesn't have something close by or somebody that's close by by, or somebody that's close by, um, she doesn't truly relax until I think we have those.
Speaker 2:She'll write everything out and then I can see her relax once all the okay, all of the things are.
Speaker 2:Then she feels like, okay, I can go now because I've gone over a to z and every Roman numeral number underneath it that could possibly happen. I've prepared to my my max and it's. It's really helpful. But as somebody who has a six in their life, it's really important to not to not push that away or to not be grateful or to make them feel like they're being too much, because that is a big part of their love language.
Speaker 3:You don't need to do that, but yeah, I do.
Speaker 2:It's a thank you, like I really appreciate that, or tell me more it helps. Sometimes we videotape her going over some of the things and I'm like then I can watch it over again if I need to hear it again. So you just like appreciate those things about each number, because that is their way of not only making themselves feel better but also showing love to other people, right?
Speaker 1:Erin, you always bring it back to that of appreciating the gifts of each number, and I really love that because that's so important. Like we're, we're all different, but it is so important to recognize the gifts that we all bring. We're helping each other out in areas that we're not all good at.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So like this stance might be a little annoying to us, but like if we think about what the ones bring, you know that. Here's what we're going to do, here's how we do it correctly. Let's stay focused, let's do this together. I got this and then it's so. I love being around. I love following ones because I feel like there's a clear path. It's detailed, I I know what's happening because the one is like we got this. So it's always fun to be around ones. I love ones.
Speaker 3:That's why we're so happy to be here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have a thing in common with you, crystal, which, as a one, I also do a lot of preparation, and I want to be prepared, but it comes from a different motivation. From a different motivation I want to be prepared to avoid making mistakes as much as possible, or to avoid um, even like to avoid looking dumb.
Speaker 3:So that's, sharp.
Speaker 1:So that's like. So sometimes I think some behaviors could look similar between us, but it's totally different motivation yes, I would agree Totally. I'm trying to think of an example for that.
Speaker 2:Choose like to be prepared to. But it's a completely different way. Okay, talk about that. Like I, I have to know what's going to happen. I need to know every little thing about it so that I can show up best for other people If, like, time freaks me out. Because if, if I need to be somewhere at a certain time and I need to get things done for people, I need to know, okay, well, I gotta get this, this, this, this, this, this done. But it's never about me. Usually it's about I gotta be prepared for other people. I have to make sure it's done for them, like, otherwise I get wildly like panic attack, anxious, if I can't be prepared so that it can go well for other people.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's cool. I think that's something new that you're teaching me about the two is that there's also the desire for preparedness, but again a different motivation than the one in the six.
Speaker 2:I'm very, very much like that. I get overly, overly anxious if I can't. I need to know what's going on. So I'm not being a burden then, because I am ready.
Speaker 1:I've thought of a story that speaks to this bullet point we talked about earlier. That says they ask questions, seeking guidance and reassurance, and my husband and I remodeled our house about a year and a half ago when we moved into it, and I'm going to take you a little bit into my mindset for that remodeling project.
Speaker 3:Awesome, can't wait, okay.
Speaker 1:So as an action oriented body type person, I will do the work all day. Physical labor love it. Fun, tedious jobs Sure, great, I can. Anything that I'm doing that feels like I'm making forward progress, that's great. And so Physical labor Love it. Fun, tedious jobs Sure, great I can. Any anything that I'm doing that feels like I'm making forward progress, that's great. And so I was like, so excited to work on the house.
Speaker 1:But here's the thing is, I didn't know anything about all the things that are required to remodel a house.
Speaker 1:Sure, so the process between so my husband is an Enneagram three, husband is an Enneagram three, so he's in that assertive group, and we kind of ran into some tension sometimes where we both were wanting to work on the house and make progress and he knew all the things to do.
Speaker 1:And if he didn't know what to do, it was easy for him to figure it out, and for me it's hard for me to figure out something I don't know or something I'm not familiar with. So I would kind of be like I'm here and I have, I'm at the house, I don't have anything to work on right now, and there's these couple of things that I could work on, but I don't know a hundred percent how and I'm scared of making a mistake. So I'm actually not making any progress because I'm waiting for you to tell me what to do. And that felt that felt like really limiting to me because I was like I want to be making progress but I don't feel confident enough to just like figure out this way to tear up, you know, the floor or whatever the thing was.
Speaker 2:Whereas the other stance would just be like let's go for it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's just do it. Don't look back, not really afraid of making mistakes. We'll figure it out if we need to.
Speaker 2:That sounds like me too, like yeah, that sounds. That makes sense. That makes complete sense, because if you're the one to screw it up, everyone's going to look at you like you're a failure and you're worthless and yeah.
Speaker 1:I think ones can look very confident and competent, but it takes work to get to that place and, like, I'm confident and competent when I'm 100% that I know what I'm doing, but if I'm not, then I do struggle with self-doubt or looking towards other people to tell me if I'm doing good or not.
Speaker 3:That's a high rung to clear.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's interesting. So let's talk about a bit of growth steps for us in the dependent types. So I'm going to read a paragraph in an article from Truitycom. Truity is T-R-U-I-T-Y. I will put it in the show notes because I'm a person who has show notes. Now she's a one.
Speaker 2:She's got this.
Speaker 1:And this is what this article from Truity says. This is how dependent types can tap into the thinking center. Alone time is critical for these types to connect with themselves. Taking walks, spending time in nature and developing passions or hobbies are all good practices for these types to tap into their own identity. It is also very important for dependent types to not judge the thoughts they have. Often they carry guilt and feel a sense of duty or loyalty to something outside of themselves which hinders free thinking. Free thinking by holding onto a standard of perfectionism and being a good person, they can repress their own desires. By extending the same compassion to themselves as they do to others, they will liberate their minds and expand their sense of self. I think the alone time piece is really really important for us ones, twos and sixes is what does it look like when we're by ourselves versus getting our identity from? Look like when we're by ourselves versus um versus getting our identity from the other people we're around?
Speaker 3:so 2020 was like the best year for me for a long time. It just gave me lots of time to be introspective, uh, to to create. I spent a lot of time walking the golf course with my dog, just because, I mean, we all went through it and it was scary and for a six whose mind races and at that time my husband was, what did they call the workers Essential Essential worker? Yeah, call the workers essential, essential worker, yeah.
Speaker 1:So that was a difficult exercise in trying to be okay with things I couldn't control. And how are you supposed to be prepared when you don't even know what's going to happen next year?
Speaker 3:right, yeah, right. So anytime there was a sniffle or anytime there was a oh, so-and-so, got COVID. Yeah, I really leaned into those alone times and just trying to do something good with my hands to keep my mind less racing, engaging with your body.
Speaker 1:Love to hear that, yep.
Speaker 2:I hate. Well, okay, I don't hate alone time because I'm a teacher, so I need that sometimes to kind of regroup. But I and I don't want to speak for all twos, but I would imagine that many of us would say that we hate the alone time because we have to focus on ourselves and that feels terrible. Yeah, I don't even know what to do with it. She can verify that. I will text and be like I hate it.
Speaker 2:I hate being alone, like if there's a snowstorm that forces me like I have to stay in my apartment. I can't even leave. It's the worst feeling for me because I'm like I don't know what I feel. I don't know what I want to do, what am I supposed to do? This is not me, and so I'll like burrito, like under the covers, because I'm like I can't do this, I can't feel.
Speaker 2:But if I can pull myself out of that, then it's like okay, well, what do you want to do? What do you feel like what? What would make you happy? What do you want to read? Do you want to just sit and watch a tv show? Do you want? So it's hard. Sometimes I can numb and just scroll and do that stuff so that I don't have to think and feel so when when it said alone time, that's hard for me. What's been very helpful I can find myself in nature when we, when we go for walks because she lets me talk about how I'm feeling. Which I think is super helpful for it too, is to have a trusted person who's like what are you thinking, what are you feeling, how are you doing, and then practice actually like speaking it to somebody. But alone time is really hard if I'm forced to like think about myself or reflect.
Speaker 1:Do either of you guys journal as a regular practice Off and on.
Speaker 3:I used to, Sometimes Not in a long time.
Speaker 2:We have a journal as a regular practice, off and on, I used to, sometimes Not in a long time. We have a journal a bestie journal oh, that's cute, yeah, where we have like hard hitting topics and we just write. Do you pass it back and forth? Yeah, exactly, it's like a total movie. That's really fun exercise, yeah, but they're really hard topics. But it feels like I can say these things. I go to therapy, which I'm not afraid to say, but like she has me journal a lot, she has me write a lot of yeah, she has me write a lot of letters to people that I'll never send. Yeah, because as a two these are. And then the compliant stance that I would never say or do, but it's good to get it out. So shout out to my therapist, shout out to Erin's therapist.
Speaker 1:I do this practice of writing letters. You'll never send when I'm super, super angry. That's when I have to do that. There's something about physically writing out all of the depths of the anger that are there against another person, that that kind of gets it out of my body and kind of works it out right right and she it.
Speaker 2:I think it's important, especially for people in our stance, to not shame themselves for those feelings. That's my therapist. Yeah, that's good. She's like you got to get them out somehow, because whether you want to feel them or not, they're there.
Speaker 1:They're there, yeah I've heard heard some Enneagram teachers talk about this practice for the ones twos and sixes who are thinking repressed, where I've heard someone call it morning pages, something like that where you get up in the morning, the first thing you do is just free write anything that goes through your mind, write a whole page, maybe two pages, of all the thoughts that come and then you throw it away and then you move on with your day and it's a way of just like like taking out the trash that your mind wakes up with. That's funny. I should do that at 3am. There we go, your 3am pages.
Speaker 2:That'd be a thick journal. It could be.
Speaker 1:For me, journaling is a very good, effective way to process my thoughts in my busy brain. The problem for me is a lot of times it feels like that's going to slow me down too much and I need to keep moving and keep being productive and keep making things happen. So I don't always take the time. That would really be healthy for me to take the time to stop and journal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree. What would we look like as a team? At least Like what would what would this compliance stance look like if we walked out as a team, just the three of us? What are we going to do? Like? What does that that look like? How would we operate in the world together, do you think?
Speaker 1:I think we'd be quite detail oriented, I think we would think of all all the little things like I think we'd be super prepared, super detailed. I think we would, um, really take care of people really well. Um sure, we might not, we might not have forward motion that feels as fast as some of the other numbers. I think there's some numbers that can just move, move, move, quite encouraging and uplifting of other people. I mean again, just like we're really tuned, attuned to the people around us and that's one of our biggest gifts.
Speaker 2:I like that. That makes me feel good. Yeah, I was hoping you'd say that Good job, we would be a team. Like people are, like I like that team.
Speaker 3:They have good sportsmanship. Everybody high fives. Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Sportsmanship.
Speaker 1:Everybody high fives, yeah, oh yeah, sportsmanship for sure, they work hard, we have fun. We're definitely three fun people. Yes, yeah, fantastic, ok, good. Thank you guys so much for coming and talking about the stances. That was a really fun conversation to me. I think I love that each of us can share about what it's like to be us, what it's like to be a one and a two and a six in the compliance stance, and I'm excited for people to hear this and learn about what's going on inside of us.
Speaker 2:Yes, I hope you can find people in every stance. That's super interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'd like to do more episodes with other stances too Great idea.
Speaker 3:We fully support you.
Speaker 2:I'm really happy to be in the same stance as you two. I just need you to know that.
Speaker 1:I'd pick this stance each time, me too. Hearts, hearts, hearts for the compliant stance. All right, talk to you guys soon. Bye. See ya, this episode was recorded using equipment provided to the public by the LaPorte County Public Library System. If you liked this episode, let me know. I'd love to hear from you, tell me what other topics you'd love to hear covered on this podcast and, as always, you can find more content on my Instagram at Towards Eden Enneagram, as well as on Facebook Towards Eden Enneagram and my website, towardsedenenneagramcom.