Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
Welcome to Towards Eden Enneagram, a show where we dissect our Enneagram types so we can understand ourselves and have way better relationships.
The Enneagram is a tool that illuminates our motivations, our blind spots, and the differences between myself and others.
We can use it to see ourselves more clearly and to get healthier.
The Enneagram isn’t about what we do. It’s about WHY we do what we do.
Towards Eden, an Enneagram Podcast
#28 - Enneagram 101: What is an Enneagram 1?
Enneagram Type One Amanda Rossi joins me to tell us what it’s like to be an Enneagram 1!
Type 1 is known as “The Improver” or “The Reformer.” Ones are ethical, dedicated, and driven by a desire to improve themselves and the world.
Amanda talks about the Type One core fears of being bad, wrong, and making mistakes; the core desires of wanting to be good, right, and keep improving; and the Inner Critic that haunts Type Ones.
Amanda Rossi is a special education teacher in Northwest Indiana. She formerly worked as a case worker for Indiana Department of Child Services.
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The Enneagram is a tool that illuminates our motivations, our blind spots and the differences between ourselves and others. In this series we explore the question what is the Enneagram? That's the title of the first episode in this series, which gives an overview of the Enneagram system, so make sure you listen to that episode first. Here's the most important thing I want you to remember the Enneagram is not about what we do. It's about why we do what we do. Today's episode is what is an Enneagram type one? Here's what Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile say about ones Ethical, dedicated and reliable. They are motivated by a desire to live the right way, improve the world and avoid fault and blame. Ones are in the gut triad and they have an emotional struggle with anger. They internalize anger and turn it towards themselves as self-criticism. As a gut triad type, they take in and respond to life instinctually or at the gut level. And now it's time to learn all about ones from my conversation with Amanda Rossi.
Speaker 1:My Enneagram One guest is Amanda Rossi. Amanda lives geographically close to me and we have some mutual friends and that's how we met. And I'm really excited to get to know you more, amanda, and hear about your Enneagram oneness. So tell me about where in the world are you and what do you do in life?
Speaker 2:Yes, so I am in Valparaiso, indiana, so close by, like you said, and I am a teacher. I teach special education K to five, so quite the job, and I have four kids and husband. So that takes up my whole life and it's great.
Speaker 1:And in your educational journey you've had some various roles, Is that?
Speaker 2:right, that's correct. I started in social work, in mental health, worked for Department of Child Services for many years, which is a very difficult job, you know, really working to make systemic change and work to protect kids. For me, education was so much more preventative so I switched to that career after I had my second child. Yeah, preventative.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's already a thread, right Like I'm just starting to get to know you, but it's already this thread of you choosing roles and jobs that want to make the world a better place.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, that's always been my outlook and I feel like, as a teacher, I can kind of really teach the whole person and it feels like I'm making a difference, which is very important to me.
Speaker 1:I love that. And that takes me to the nickname of Enneagram One, yes, which is called the improver. Absolutely yes, enneagram Ones just want to make the world a better place, truly truly.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and I felt that in all areas in parenting, deciding to become a parent in teaching, that's my outlook, really. I really kind of refer to myself as an advocate in the workplace, specifically to improve outcomes for students in special education. So since I'm in special ed, I have a little bit of a different role where I do feel like I'm reforming or improving a system that does have a lot of cracks and holes that sometimes need to be fixed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and those kinds of roles are not easy and it's not a lot of people who can do that kind of role in a way where you're, you know, genuinely trying to improve the system. As you say. That's super difficult, Correct.
Speaker 2:It is, and it can be discouraging and take years even to see some results. You know, obviously students in special education are receiving support for different reasons and sometimes it takes them a little longer. So you kind of have to look at the big picture when you're working in special education.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. We are going to jump to some of the basics of Enneagram Type 1. So in this series we really want to introduce people to each Enneagram type, one at a time, and start from the basics. And the basics of each Enneagram type are about the core fear and the core desire. Because everything that you do in your life, your actions, your reactions, your responses, your choices, they are stemming from these core fears and core desires of your type. So when we look at type one on the Enneagram, they are stemming from these core fears and core desires of your type. So when we look at type one on the Enneagram, they're called the improver. And the core desire of type one is to be good, right and correct. They want to have integrity and stay aligned with their own values. And you can see how these core desires also link quite easily to improving things right. They want to improve themselves and they want to improve the world.
Speaker 1:And then the core fear of Enneagram 1 is being bad, wrong, corrupt, being inappropriate and making mistakes. Making mistakes is a really big fear for 1s. This is reason why ones tend to be hard on themselves and sensitive, and type one is in the gut triad. So in the Enneagram we have the gut triad, the heart triad and the head triad. Use our gut instincts, we all use our feelings, we all use our thinking, but we tend to lead with one of these. So in the gut triad, the ones are leading with their gut instincts, which means really quick internal knowings about what's right and wrong and what's good and bad and things related to justice. Absolutely so Amanda, representing the ones, tell us about how you discovered the Enneagram and what was it that made you understand that you were a type one.
Speaker 2:Sure. So I really started hearing about it from some of my favorite authors that I follow on Instagram. They were sharing about discovering their type and I really became intrigued, so I kind of just went down the rabbit hole. Do you remember who any of the authors were? I do yes. So Jen Hatmaker. She is famously a three so, which is, I believe, the achiever and she really shared about how learning that helped her understand herself and her motivations and really helped with personal growth for her particularly. So I was very intrigued and I took all the tests and cross-referenced the tests in true fashion to see which one was right, and I regularly tested as a one. But what really nailed it down for me was the fears and the motivations. You know, the fear of making mistakes is huge and the desire to be morally upright, to do the right thing. That is really what resonated most with me when I read about the core desires, the core motivations. That is what aligned me with feeling like I am an Enneagram one.
Speaker 1:One thing that I notice is a tell for you to know that you're an Enneagram one is if this thought from time to time goes through your head of why isn't everybody trying to do it right, why isn't everybody like following the rules, or why aren't they trying to make this better, or like why am I the only one who seems to care about doing it?
Speaker 2:the right way, right, yes, and I think that's really specific to the one where we are regularly looking around us Like does anyone else not see this huge glaring problem that I'm seeing? And it can kind of feel isolating at times and you're even kind of touted as being critical. And what really also helped me determine my type is the inner critic. I was like wait a second, not everyone has that. That was a wild moment to realize that not everyone has this like inner thought process driving their you know goals and their to do list and the different things that they want to get done. That was really eye opening for me. Say more about what that is like for you in your daily.
Speaker 2:Sure. So just really that constant loop of, ok, this is what I need to do now, and even I need to do A, b and C before I can rest or before I can take a break, before I can rest or before I can take a break. And if I don't do those things, it almost feels, you know, a lot of shame associated with that that I'm not doing the right thing or doing enough correct or doing enough, or, like you said, the making mistakes. That's when the inner critic for me it's really been a point of growth for me to work on that that I'm a human being who will inevitably make mistakes. But seeing that that was part of this personality type was really eye opening.
Speaker 2:That you know really kind of, because other people, I would notice, bounce back quicker or they would say things to me like, oh, you're so hard on yourself, give yourself grace. And I'm like, can you give me a process on how exactly to do that? Because that doesn't compute for me to hear that phrase. Oh, you're so hard on yourself, well, aren't you? Yeah, like, everyone is hard on themselves, don't we all?
Speaker 2:want to do the right thing.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:So that was really what you know solidified it that I am definitely an Enneagram one.
Speaker 1:So good. Another point that I want to touch on again about the ones is about staying aligned with their own values. Yes, and this is common to ones, but of course it looks different depending on the person, right? Because everybody has kind of their own set of values, so it doesn't mean every single one is going to like behave in the exact same way, because we all kind of have different sets of beliefs or values which are shaped by a lot of different things. But do you find that to be true to you? And I'm also curious if you've had, like, if you've had values and beliefs evolve throughout your life? Yes, and how that plays into your Enneagram.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely. I think that when I was more immature, the values that I had were just fixated, like everything is very black and white, and I've, in my reading and learning about the Enneagram, one that can be kind of an unhealthy spot to be where just everything is. This is the way that it is Right. But then with time and maturity and growth, ideally, you know, one works on these things that I have, I have worked on them, and but for me it comes with a lot of reading and research and hearing different voices on topics. So I've absolutely evolved in a lot of the things that I believe over the years.
Speaker 2:I would say for me it's more of a slow growth. I have to, you know, determine that it's actually right. Yeah, you know that I'm not making a mistake, even in my own thinking. So I have absolutely had a lot of growth in certain areas. But one of the concepts I really like that has helped me as an Enneagram one is from the seven habits of highly successful people, the concept of big rocks, which are, your like, fixated value systems, right, like for me, I have my family, my faith. You know I have certain, you know certain values that I feel are fixed, whereas other things can be more fluid, and that's kind of helped me be a little bit more relaxed and able to grow that. You know. Is this going to shift those big value systems? If the answer is no, then I can probably explore that a little bit and be a little bit more flexible.
Speaker 1:I like that. Let's look more at the core desire of Enneagram 1, the core desire to be good, right, correct, yes, and to have integrity. So let's talk about that. What are these like for you? What's it like for you to have that driving desire to always be right and correct and morally good?
Speaker 2:Yes. So that can get you in a lot of troubles because but it's very well intentioned, right when I'm seeing something that I think is wrong. I would say when I was much younger, even early in my parenting journey, I thought I'm doing this the right way. Everyone else should absolutely be doing this too, and other people take that as being overly critical. Where it can be, it can definitely be I'm sure that I have been at times but it can be tricky. You really have to learn how to navigate. When is the right time to express how I'm feeling? Is this person receptive to hearing what I have to say? And also, am I really right or is this just an opinion? Right, because some things it's just the way you like to do it.
Speaker 2:So I would say that I have made a lot of mistakes in that area, where I have said how I felt, what I felt was right, too quickly, instead of listening first to the other person. Relationships are very important to me. I would say that's one of those big rocks, those big value systems, and learning how to protect relationships without forcing my own system of right and wrong on to that's something that has taken a lot of time to learn how to do so. But as far as navigating the world, I definitely think it's helped me in my career. It's helped me in my parenting journey, because I do always want to listen to other voices that I think are doing a good job. That's been something that I think is a very positive trait of the Enneagram one. I want to read how people I admire are doing it. I want to emulate that and that's helped me grow in that area.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ones are learners. We want to keep learning and we want to, and that comes from wanting to get better, right Like the more that I know, the more I can learn. Exactly, I can be a better person, and just know more?
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely, and that has driven me quite a bit to learn more and that's also, you know, kind of circling back. That's also helped me change some of those values that are more that are not as fixed. That, you know, once I'm learning and hearing, you know, being in close proximity to people with other perspectives, that's been very helpful.
Speaker 1:I'm interested in in what you're alluding to with your early days of parenting.
Speaker 2:Can you think of any stories? I can, yes, I can. So you know, when I first had my two children, I was in my twenties and I had natural childbirth, and I was so just amazed and read all the books after my first child, which was a little bit of a tricky figuring everything out. And then I discovered this world of people who were advocates of natural birth and it was just beautiful to me and I loved it. I felt empowered by it and I was thinking you know, why doesn't everyone feel this way? And you know, everyone can do it without medication. Well, some people choose that and that's perfectly fine.
Speaker 2:And I think I touted off my opinion pretty loudly and learned pretty quickly that everyone has a very different birth experience, very different pregnancy experience than me. It's very different pregnancy experience than me, whereas here I am kind of young, thinking this is just amazing for me, sure, and I want to share it with everyone and I'm reading all these incredible books and whereas other people, you know, might not have felt that way, and that's OK, but I definitely, probably. I know that I was way too opinionated at times and needed to kind of reel it in and be more sensitive that someone may have had a traumatic birth or, you know, they may have medical issues in their pregnancy that I did not have. So it kind of was a learning experience for me that just because something feels really right and good for me does not mean that it's right and good for someone else.
Speaker 1:That is a really good example example. And I think this is also a good example of this gut instinct thing, of being in the gut triad, because you just knew in your gut that this was the best thing and this was right. And isn't this the best way?
Speaker 2:for everybody, yes, and sometimes the whole saving the world comes into. Well, I have to share this with everyone because they have to know this. So here I am, like on Facebook, you know, just kind of letting it all out, and that you know, in my heart I'm well-intentioned to share this with everyone. But of course we know that through a screen things don't always come across the same way to other people as they do on my end. So it took a lot of trial and error there to figure that out and I would say I'm much more measured now and how I share things and in the way that I go about that. And you're right, the gut instinct is huge, like if it feels like it's right, oh, I have to shout this to everybody, I know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the gut, the gut triad has always been been one of the hardest things for me to teach about and explain about, because it's just it's. It just feels a little more vague than the heart and the head, but I think you said it a really good way is like it's just a, it's such a strong, decisive knowing it is. That is hard to explain, but like I feel that as a one, like I feel that strong, decisive gut knowing about. I mean it doesn't, it's not all, because if I feel something in my gut, you know I can protect my kids better.
Speaker 2:You know I can navigate special education better, but again, it has to be honed over time. You have to learn how and when to share that. But I do think it's what makes us a good friend and a good employee and a good partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Can you say more about you just mentioned about the gut instinct helps you protect your kids?
Speaker 2:Sure. So I definitely feel that more and I realized it discovering the Enneagram, that gut triad, that it really helped me understand that again, not everybody kind of feels that in the moment and I've had a lot of instances as a parent where I have felt that something isn't right and you know you can call it parental instinct. But I do think that the gut triad personality types do have it a little bit more. My husband is an eight, so we both kind of are just a little bit more in tune with, like in the moment this doesn't feel safe or this doesn't feel right and I would say almost all the time that has led us the right way. Sometimes it can be an unrealistic fear, so you do have to check that too, but most of the time I would say it's really helped us, that's really good.
Speaker 1:It sounds like the gut instinct is something that really has helped you guys prioritize safety when needed.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely yes.
Speaker 1:So the core fears of Enneagram one, let's talk about these a little more. Sure, we've got being bad, being wrong, being corrupt or inappropriate. Yes, how do these show up for you?
Speaker 2:Sure, so I was definitely the typical. I want to be a good girl. You know, as a child I want to get straight A's, I want to read all the books, I want to have good behavior. Even some very vivid childhood memories are from being corrected. You know, I've read also like public correction of an Enneagram. One is terrible for us.
Speaker 2:So those are like memories, those are some of your big memories. Oh yes, as a very young child that just stick with me that I could sit and tell you now just the worst, the worst. So that fear of being bad, that's a real fear that we have. And even as an adult, receiving criticism is tricky, you know, because it translates to you're bad, you're not doing a good job. We have kind of an educators have like a grading system, rubric for how we're evaluated and you know a perfect score is unattainable. But then when you see the deficit between your score and perfect even if yours is fantastic, I still sometimes have to wrestle with that, like this isn't bad, you know. So that core fear definitely represents how it feels.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. That childhood memory thing is fascinating, kingy, would you be willing to share maybe one?
Speaker 2:of those Absolutely so. For example, sitting through sermons as a good girl. Right, you're quiet, you have to listen. Um, and I remember, specifically after a sermon, a pastor pointed out that I was playing with paper. No, during the sermon I must have been like six, seven years old. That's so sad. I just still carry that. You know I'm 40, oh, you know. So just I think that understanding the enneagram, especially for, has been really transformative for me. To make sure that you know, kind of understanding. Obviously I can't fully determine what types my children are, but that would have been super helpful for my parents right to know. This is really going to stick out to her, this type of public shame or public correction, and that still rings true. If I want a criticism now, I'd really prefer it be in private or, you know, done in a in a really empathetic way, because we are, we're very sensitive and you know it just really painted the bad girl picture that I still kind of carry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is you obviously were the farthest thing from the bad girl as a kid, right? Yes, but like one instance of being corrected can just make you feel yes.
Speaker 2:And it just erases all of the good you know and I think that that also is you know will translate to now making one mistake right, one mistake on a really wonderful presentation. It just discolors the whole thing. So that's definitely that core fear presents itself that way for me for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's really good I'm. While you were talking, I cast my memory back and literally, yes, the first couple of memories that popped up in my imagination just now are of times I got in trouble or times I was corrected, and yeah, that's very. That could be a whole, a whole nother series about what childhood memories are most prevalent for different types. Sure.
Speaker 2:Sure, that would be wildly interesting. Yes, yes, and I, and I do think it's very helpful for parents. You know, because I've also read, like good advice for all the types, like for all the types, is going to be helpful, right, like, even if I'm not raising a one, I know how much that impacted me Definitely, and now I can adjust accordingly.
Speaker 1:So at what point did you start learning that you were a one Like? Did you already have kids at that point?
Speaker 2:I did, yes, I did, and I think it also. I think the biggest area it helped me is in my marriage Truthfully discovering my type, having my husband discover his type, learning my motivations and my fears, that when he realized that I had this really strong inner critic that was kind of running through my mind all day, or why I would go and move his shoes Right, they're not in the correct spot, they're not on the shoe rug, like that's where they go. That's why we have a shoe rug, that's why we have a shoe rug for the shoes. You know they're, they're to the left and they're not straight. You know, this wasn't just this desire to nag or micromanage. It's really we feel that there's a right way to do things, and when we walk into a room we notice the mistakes, and so he was able to really understand more about me and how I operate and how my mind works. And so discovering my type after I was married and having kids honestly was was very helpful for me.
Speaker 1:Enneagram ones. We love our people so much, yes, and the trying to make things better, which sometimes comes out in criticism or redoing things that someone else already did Like, that's all coming from the desire to make life better for the people we love.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. And if you're not careful it can really consume you in overcorrecting. You know, especially with raising kids, they're not going to do it right. I mean they're learning, they'reing. You know, especially with raising kids, they're not going to do it right. I mean they're learning, they're kids, you know. So letting them make mistakes is part of the process, which is really for a mom, that's super hard. So I do go back and fix a lot of the stuff for sure, and that's just what I'm going to do. That's, we've let that go. Mom's going to reload the dishwasher, like because no one did it right, but yes, and that it is coming from a place of love, that it's not from a place of judgment, or I think that there's a flaw within you. It's that I want you to be a better person, I want you to learn more and I want you to grow. It's, it's really coming from that place. Yeah.
Speaker 1:You're doing such a great job explaining the motivations of ones. I find ones can be one of the misunderstood types. Yes, do you find that I?
Speaker 2:do and I think we get. We get called judgmental. I would say, and I've definitely, you know, when I was younger I would say some of my unhealthy traits probably did present that way. I've really tried to work hard on not being judgmental and you know expressing myself better. But, like you said, when you find the motivation and why someone is saying and doing what they're doing, it really helped me understand why I was feeling that way. Intention is to make the world a better place. We want to encourage and help people be better, which makes us great in our jobs. Like I said, we've been great in so many areas. We're reliable, we're dependable, hardworking, very hardworking. But again that thought comes in why isn't everyone working this hard?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the judgmental this thing we're talking about, about being judgmental. When you think about the ones like we've. We're talking about about being judged. Yes, when you think about the ones like we've just been talking about having such these strong values and strong morals and strongly held beliefs about the world and those are so important and so core to who an Enneagram one is, then it's that judgmentalism comes out, because we can see other people aren't living according to my values that I think they should be doing Right and it's like the strong gut sense of this isn't right. This needs to change.
Speaker 2:Yes, and a lot of times it can be from love. You know I've had friendships that that I still have a couple that I no longer have where truly someone was genuinely going down a path that was harmful to them.
Speaker 2:And when you phrase that to someone that's not in a healthy place, they see you as being judgmental. I've also seen that, if someone's corrected me right, but I do think a lot of times it's from a place of love that you don't want someone to be going down a path that you know is going to harm them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something you've just mentioned is about how you would be willing, in relationships, to point things out if you thought that somebody was like going down a harmful path, right, yes, I think that's an interesting thing to bring up about the one, because some ones are more conflict avoidant than others. Okay, we, we can have that nine wing of wanting to keep the peace, and I can see that in myself. Sometimes there's this battle between the desire to keep the peace and harmony versus the desire to want things to be good and right. And with your core type, your core types, motivation, at the end of the day, is going to be the one that wins out, right? So I think ones could be maybe more willing than some other types to call things out that aren't right or to maybe address something in a close relationship. Yes, am I explaining this?
Speaker 2:You are, you are, and I think it comes back to that concept I mentioned of those big rocks, those things that are kind of unmoving, and I think for me, I definitely want to keep the peace more and relationships are very important to me and and I think it's wonderful to have friendships of people that have all varying, different belief systems and values, that's very important. Systems and values, that's very important. However, when it infringes on those core values, I think that for me that's when I'm able to speak up or at least kind of take some distance, then it's really a no brainer for me and I think that's kind of what helped me determine my type as well, like, well, this, I see something that's morally wrong. Yeah, that's no question. Yeah, I don't even, I don't even debate that in my mind. Well, that, unfortunately, that person is probably not a good influence on my life, yeah, and then it's pretty easy for me at that point, not without grief and difficulty and, you know, thinking it through of course, but it's just kind of a done deal, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's Enneagram ones. Some Enneagram ones are more focused on their inner circles and maybe trying to help slash correct the people close to them. Some Enneagram ones are really a lot more perfectionistic, a lot more focused on making themselves better. Not all ones are super perfectionistic, but it does tend to always be about improvement. And then there's any young ones that are very system focused, looking at how can I make a system better? Or politically active, right Like there's a lot of ones who are very politically active because they are, are taking action based on their beliefs and values and trying to make society a better place for everybody. Sure, so again, no matter what way it comes out, it's all about trying to make the world a better place and trying to make themselves a better human in the world.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and I have found I've had sometimes tricky waters navigating that too Like especially for me you know politics it's just like a no brainer, like we should talk about this, whereas some people it's like, oh no, that is not on the table, right with finances and everything else. But for me I'm thinking, well, we should all want to talk about this.
Speaker 2:It matters and it matters, and so I would say I align more with the systems reform. I'm definitely a perfectionist. You come into my house, I mean I get teased about my desk at work and how, what it looks like, and at one job people would move my stuff on purpose. You know, it was really funny to watch me kind of throw a fit when my stuff gets moved around. So yeah, I'm absolutely a perfectionist. But when it comes to perfectionism translating to rule following, I'm more at the systems. Yeah, like if a system is corrupt, I'm not going to follow those rules Totally. So I'm definitely more that person. In regards to an Enneagram, one that's good.
Speaker 1:I appreciate you talking through some of those differences too. Next thing on my script is about relationships. Yes, so let's talk about your top values and relationships.
Speaker 2:What do you value in your relationships and, if you can connect important for an Enneagram one and I don't know if you agree to have some people that have my same values so that I feel validated and seen and heard. I have to be I'm a verbal processor, I have to be able to talk things out and when I'm super angry about an injustice, I want to be able to share that with people who understand. So I've learned over the years that for me I do need to have at least a couple core people that I can have that with, that fully see me and know me. But again, relationships have become I would say especially friendships more important as I get older. Maintaining relationships with people who don't agree and learning it's important, I do.
Speaker 2:I think the one goes to a four, kind of an unhealthy four, when we're not at our best, and I do tend to isolate when I feel like a community or a system like why are they doing that? That's not right? Yeah, and no one is saying anything about this wrong thing. Why am I the only one? Why am I the only one? And then I tend to kind of self-isolate. So I've had to learn how to push myself into being in community with people that are not all like me and that that's OK.
Speaker 1:That's really good myself is kind of having a radar up for when I start getting four-ish and start isolating because I'm stressed or I'm angry and the intentional putting yourself back in community is important. And when we're stressed and angry, maybe it's not intentionally going right back into community with those people that were angry. But can we get some kind of community? Can we be around people who we know get us instead of being by ourselves? Because that's what I would do I would pull up in my room. I'm going to be by myself. Don't be like talking to anybody.
Speaker 2:Well, because no one gets it. And that's what, at least that's what I go to. No one gets it, so I'm the only one who is going to write my journal for days on end, correct.
Speaker 2:I could not relate more to that. So you know kind of and I think I have done a better job of speaking this into people that are around me that this is kind of what I do and it's not a personal thing If I retreat for a little bit to kind of get back at it I actually shared with a friend of mine in one of those communities where it's a lot of people with differing thoughts, values, beliefs, that I do that occasionally and that I'm working on it. So I think it and a few years ago I may not have done that, you know, so being able to communicate that that this is kind of what I do and I'll be back and that's okay.
Speaker 1:When you think about your closest friendships that you've had over the years, what are like some things that those all have in common?
Speaker 2:Sure, so they. I think that being seen and heard for me is really important to be that I'm not judgmental or at least my intention is not to judge others, but that I can't understand why this other person or this other group would do this. Logically, I can't make sense of it. So I need to talk it out, I need to get it out so the really close people in my life understand that, and I think that's been really powerful for me to have that, even to my husband, who's an eight.
Speaker 2:This was real tricky because when you vent to an eight, they're going to do something like they're going to, they're going to do something about it, like right then. So I have had to say this is just me talking to you. I don't want you to call anyone, I don't want you to text anyone, I just would like you to hear what I have to say, because this is making me feel that something's unjust or unfair. So again, it comes back to that communication, right, that understanding that not everyone is always going to understand, and verbalizing that, which we've gotten a lot better in that area. He gets that now.
Speaker 1:That's great. That's a great story. I do have parents who are a one and an eight, and when I say the amount of times that somebody would come home with a complaint, something happened, something that was a little bit unjust, the amount of times my dad threatened I'm going to go up to the school and talk to them I mean, give me their phone. I'm going to call them right now.
Speaker 2:It's action, immediately, immediate action, and I've learned that it's coming from there. They're coming from a place of love, just as I am Right. So I've had to say I really don't want you to call anyone or go anywhere, just I need to talk about how this is bothering me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely but, but, but. But. If you need somebody to take action with you, you can go straight to your eight hundred percent with you, right?
Speaker 2:And I think you know both of us, having that kind of sense of justice has made us a really good team actually. So it has really For sure To anyone, to you know, especially for a one who loves to learn.
Speaker 1:Yes, so I'm going to read you some nicknames. Sure, sure, these are nicknames for the Enneagram one, all Enneagram. People like to have their own little nicknames and stuff, so we'll read this compilation and then I'd really like to hear your thoughts on these names, if you have one you like the most. Of course, we started out with the improver. We also have the perfectionist, the reformer, the idealist and the good little boy or the good little girl.
Speaker 2:I definitely resonate with the good little girl as far as upbringing is concerned. The nickname I relate to most now would be reformer. For me it's about fixing what's broken. It's about that deep desire to make things better for the people I love and for the world as a whole. I don't think I could be in a career. I think I would be deeply unhappy if I was in a career that was not somehow making something better even just for one person. I think that part of discovering your type that's super helpful. You know I would. I did it with my high school students actually just to kind of help them with college and career.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's really awesome.
Speaker 2:You know, I think it's super helpful in helping you realize where you would, where you would land, you know, in your career, because that would not work for me being somewhere where I wasn't making an impact.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's great, the making an impact and feeling like you're moving the needle forward. That really matters.
Speaker 2:And fixing what's broken. I read even in behaviors. I work with a lot of behavior issues in special education and being able to have a breakthrough in a student's behavior is really huge for me and all behaviors communication, essentially. So trying to get to the root of that and fixing that and helping fix that not always successfully but sometimes is really rewarding.
Speaker 1:And I remember earlier in this conversation, you told us that you used to have a career. It was in child protective services, yes, and you made a move to be in a more preventative field, yes, can you tell?
Speaker 2:us more about that. Yes, absolutely. I felt like in child protection it was already broken, you know, unfortunately, and the people that do that work are incredible. I still keep in contact with many of them, but for me I felt like I there's nothing I can fix. Now I can kind of triage, I can hope for the best, but it was really draining my soul to keep doing that and I had family circumstances that kind of forced me out of that career much sooner than I probably would have on my own, which God totally knew was like she needs to get out of there.
Speaker 2:I don't think I would have done it on my own. God totally knew and was like she needs to get out of there. I don't think I would have done it on my own. I think I would have tried to keep fixing it, which is another point of growth for a one that sometimes there are things we can't fix and we need to walk away.
Speaker 2:Knowing when to walk away when something's no longer working well for us, I think, is hard because we think we can fix it, or we should be able to, that there's something wrong if we can't. But it's a system that was just too big for any one person to fix and, like I said, by the time it got to me, things were already very much beyond repair in my mind, right. So in education, being able to start when kids are young, I had never worked in elementary until the last four years, so it's actually a newer career shift these last four to five years which I've really been shocked how much I enjoy being with the really little kids. I kind of never thought I'd be there, but being able to start there with these really foundational reading, basic math, basic behaviors, it feels much more preventative. Basic behaviors, it feels much more preventative Social-emotional learning, teaching, emotional education and emotional intelligence, which gives them the tools that, no matter what their family circumstances are, they can take home and they can use them throughout their life.
Speaker 1:Oh beautiful, that's beautiful. We are going to end this episode with a list from the book the Road Back to you by Ian Cron have you read this book?
Speaker 2:I have, yes, I have, and it's fantastic. I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:This book is so great because it gives a really easy to understand primer on each of the nine numbers. There's good stories to help you understand the numbers, and then what we're reading today is there's this list in every chapter that says what it's like to be a blank.
Speaker 1:So this list what it's like to be a one and it's 20 items, so I'm going to read about 10 of them. Sure, and you can. I'll kind of go one by one and if you want to interrupt and talk about one, you can, and then when we get to the end of the list, you can respond to it as well. So what is it like to be a one? People have told me I can be overly critical and judgmental.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Just yes, I beat myself up when I make mistakes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do want to touch on that a little bit because I think that is something that probably all ones are working on and I and that's tough I think that and I like that we're having this conversation today because that's something that I have been listening to a couple podcasts about the Enneagram and how to kind of work on those issues of growth. I think I never really kind of thought about that with my type like oh, I can kind of work on these things and making mistakes. I definitely still really struggle with that, like one little mistake, you know, and I'll just perseverate on it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's. The box that you're living in is an Enneagram one. It's this box that says if I make a mistake, then I must punish myself. And how dare I make a mistake? Right? So you're talking about growth. And another way to look at that is you're getting out of the box, right? The Enneagram helps you see this type that is boxing you in. But it's not impossible to move beyond that and you're able to do some work. To say no, I refuse to beat myself up for days about this. I can choose to move forward right, absolutely. I don't feel comfortable when I try to relax. There is too much to be done Always. I don't like it when people ignore or break the rules, like when the person in the fast lane at the grocery store has more items than allowed.
Speaker 2:Unless I think it's an unjust or stupid rule.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can break stupid rule yeah, you can break that rule. Yes, right, the rules have to still be logical, right, correct. Yes, details are important to me. I often find that I'm comparing myself to others.
Speaker 2:Yes, and this is one that I have done a lot of thought on, because I was actually working through this with a friend of mine, one of those core groups of friends, because it almost comes out as jealousy sometimes and for me it's not wanting what someone else has, it's that if this person is doing, let's say, more successful in their career than me, it points to an internal flaw within myself. I must be doing something wrong that I am not also doing that. Or if they have this lavish vacation, well, they're similar income status, they're similar this how can they do that? And I can't?
Speaker 1:So wrong with me.
Speaker 2:Correct, for a one, at least. For me it comes back to. There has to be an internal flaw within me, not that I know. Sometimes there's just plain jealousy, right With comparison. We all get looped in, especially social media. It's in front of us at all times, but for me personally it's well. What am I doing incorrectly? And you know that I could do better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ones are very self-referencing where you tend to yeah, definitely tend to look what's my responsibility in this? Did I do something wrong?
Speaker 2:Sure. So comparison, trying to get out of that comparison trap I think is important for a one.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, that's great, really important for ones Number seven. If I say I'll do it, I'll do it. Yes, we are very reliable. It is hard for me to let go of resentment.
Speaker 2:Yes, it is hard for me to let go of resentment, yes, and I think that anger, being one of our emotions, that's kind of our like not great emotion that comes out as a one, really manifests as resentment quite a bit, because kind of simmers under the surface and even almost irritation, like resentment that leads to irritation, like always irritated, like resentment that leads to irritation, like always irritated. And so trying to work on that I think is important, and letting go of that resentment by communicating sooner rather than later. For example, I'll just use my husband, he won't care, you know, like the shoe example, hey, do you think you could put your shoes here instead of here, instead of me stewing on that for like three days? Yes, that's helping no one, right, and then he just moves them and it's over. So I think learning how to communicate that is important, to let go of resentment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the, the communicating things when they come up is is a good step for for ones. There's this. There's this kind of like like gymnastics act that goes on in our head where we might see that somebody did something that we think is wrong and we get irritated. But then this other quote unquote logical thought comes into our brain which says it's really not that big of a deal, it's not really worth bringing up. And what if I cause a fight over this? It's really not that big of a deal, it's not, it's not really worth bringing up. And what if I cause a fight over this? It's really not a big deal. I just won't say anything. But yet we still hold on to the anger, and then that's where the stewing comes in, totally.
Speaker 2:Or, for me, we're afraid of being seen as overly critical. Yeah, if I point this out right away, I'm going to be seen as the critical person, or that I'm judging this or what have you, and so we shove it down, which inevitably causes more strain. But then sometimes there are times we have to not say something too Right? So it's kind of that delicate balance trying to figure that out.
Speaker 1:And sometimes I find that if I address something immediately and just say, hey, this bothered me, then the anger leaves my body and then it's like, oh, I'm actually not going to be irritated for a few days because I just was honest right away about how I felt.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it's kind of freeing how quickly that actually happens, and I look back at all the time I've wasted sitting on something longer than I needed to.
Speaker 1:That's good Number nine. I think it is my responsibility to leave the world better than I found it. Yep.
Speaker 2:You can just put that on a bumper sticker stick it on my car, yep.
Speaker 1:I have a lot of self-discipline.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think also self-criticism when I'm not self-disciplined, yeah, you know. So that's another one that we could kind of cycle on that. Well, I'm not self-disciplined enough.
Speaker 1:You know, oh yeah, I feel that one, yes, really. So there's more. If you guys want to read the rest of them, go get this book, the Road Back to you by Ian Cron. I want to end this by mentioning something that you and I were talking about before we started recording, and it's about that you have a vacation coming up.
Speaker 2:Yes, and we were talking about what vacations are like for Enneagram 1. So tell us, yes, absolutely I. In some of my reading about Enneagram 1, it said that an Enneagram 1 is a different person on vacation, and that is wildly accurate. I mean, you want ice cream for dinner? Done, you know, we.
Speaker 2:I think we turn into more of like a seven on vacation, like enthusiastic, more likely to break the routine, stay up late, you know random pit stops. I mean I'm just like living my best life on vacation. But for me it's because I've already done all the planning. It's a structured time for fun. It's structured and there's still some semblance of routine because it's on my calendar. I know it's coming up, it's already planned and it really helps me kind of let loose and be free. I've even tried to do a better job of carving it into even my days Like, well, I'm going to rest this afternoon, awesome, that's just going to be rest time, yeah, and when I kind of trick my brain that that's part of the routine, it really helps. But vacation is huge. I even had a trusted mentor once say that I for me, that I should have vacations planned like on my calendar because they were so helpful for me.
Speaker 1:That's so good. It's for the Enneagram ones who, on the day to day basis, it's so hard to put down the to do list. Yes, ones don't feel like they can relax. It takes a big permission to stop doing. But vacation is a planned time where you're supposed to not do anything.
Speaker 2:It's actually doing the right thing to have fun on vacation, so that's a win. That is a win.
Speaker 1:That's so good. Amanda, thank you for your time and I want to give you a minute here if there's anything else you want to end with. Anything else you have to say.
Speaker 2:No, this has been great. Else you have to know is that this has been great and I and I do think for me that seven habits book was super helpful for me, kind of defining those values. So for any other ones out there that might be helpful so that you can see what's super important to me and what can I let go that's so good.
Speaker 1:You did an amazing job explaining about the motivations of the one and, yeah, I'm just really excited about this episode coming out. Thanks, great, thank you.
