Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with narcissistic and unmanaged borderline personality disorder. I'm your host, Tori Wicksell, a therapist with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. I also happen to grow up with a narcissist mom who had a lot of BPD traits, and I know a thing or two about how crazy making these types of relationships can be. I'm so excited to show you what it actually means to break the cycle of dysfunction that we grew up in and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for joining me. Now let's jump into the
show. Welcome back to this week's episode of the You're Not Crazy podcast. I just wanted to say thank you guys so much for being truly some of the kindest humans on earth. I received two of the most incredibly kind emails from listeners last week or messages, I should say, in various forms. And I so appreciate you taking the time out of your day to share with me just some really helpful and kind thoughts about the show. I love doing this podcast and I probably haven't said it enough, or maybe I've said it too much. I don't know. I'm always so appreciative of anyone who leaves a kind review, especially because the way that the algorithm works when we get more five-star reviews on the podcast and comments on the podcast or reviews with a comment on them. It does push the podcast out to more people who are searching for content on dealing with parents with borderline personality disorder, dealing with parents with narcissistic personality disorder or dysfunctional family dynamics in general. And so I am just immensely grateful to anyone who helps other cycle breakers find the show because I want the show to get to people who it actually can help. So thank you. And also thank you so much for the two people who sent me those really kind and thoughtful messages. It totally made my week.
One quick thing before we hop into the show. When I originally set up the Cycle Breakers Vault, as I'd mentioned before, that was a compilation of material that I've built over the year-ish or so that I ran the Confident Boundaries membership. That was the old online community for adults with parents who have borderline or narcissistic personality disorders. I closed that in the beginning of this year. But when I pulled that material in, I didn't have time to go through and edit all of it. And so some of the workshops that have been in there were literally just pulled from the way that I had done them live in the Confident Boundaries membership, which is great and fine, but longer than perhaps would be the most optimal to be able to go through. So one thing that I've been working on, and I'm about halfway through, I will continue to do this and I am hopeful to be done in the next couple of weeks. But I've been going through and editing those workshops down to make them as short as possible without losing any of the value. And I updated the slides to go with them. So the boundaries workshop that's in the Cycle Breakers Vault has now shrunk from an hour long. I think it's around 37 minutes. And that's the mediest of all of the trainings. And so I think that I've done two or three more additionally, but I'm going through all of them. So if you're already a part of the Cycle Breakers Vault, if you've already signed up and you have access to the course, definitely check out some of those workshops in there because chances are they have been edited down, they are faster to go through and just very much straight to the point. You don't get the chitter chatter, a lead-in, and all of that anymore. So definitely check that out. Keep your eye on it because I will continue to update those and we'll hopefully get through all of them by this time next month. And if you haven't checked out the Cycle Breakers vault yet, but you are interested in doing so, you get lifetime access to the course once you sign up for it, once you purchase it. So you will have access to all of these updates as I continue to do them. If you have been thinking about hopping into the course, you can use code MAY2026, M A Y 2026. That code is good until this Friday. And you can get 40% off of the course. And that's either the one-time payment or the four-month payment plan. That code will work on both. So the coupon code is May 2026. The link to sign up for the course is in the bio. Just make sure you enter May 2026 when you're checking out to get 40% off by Friday. So that is my little gift to you for this week and my little encouragement if you've been on the fence about it. Now is a great time to get in
there. Okay, let's hop into the heart of today's episode, which is talking about something that I have avoided talking about on this podcast intentionally for a very long time. And that is dealing with toxic in-laws. This is something I get asked about all the time. Like truly, I get questions about this probably every day on social media. People will leave comments on my video saying, is this the same if it applies to your toxic in-laws? And the answer is no, not really. And so the reason why I've been so hesitant to talk about in-laws on social media or on the podcast is not because the family dynamics there are different. Because when people are dealing with toxic in-law situations, they are oftentimes dealing with the same types of dysfunctional family dynamics that we talk about on our podcast. That is why the videos resonate with them because they identify and they know these personality types. They understand that this is something that they have personally witnessed and experienced firsthand. The reason why it's different is because it is very different when you're dealing with your own family and when you're trying to navigate a very complicated and toxic situation with a family that you've married into. Those are two different things. And understandably, they would be very different because in one situation, you've grown up in that family. And in another, you've stepped into it as an adult. So I've been hesitant because not everything that I say on social media or on this podcast would be something I would say to someone who is dealing with a toxic in-law situation. They're just different. So, anyways, that's a word salad. However, I put up a question box on my Instagram page. If you're on TikTok or Instagram, I'm at Cycle Breaker Therapist. And in my Instagram stories, every one to two weeks, I typically put in a question box, either an ask me anything or a specific question that I have. And this past week, I was asking people what they want to hear more about on the podcast. And I got quite a few comments about please talk about toxic in-laws. I need help with my toxic in-laws. And so I was like, okay, I will do that. Today will be the day that we talk about toxic in-laws. So it
is. Okay, so you marry someone and you realize that they themselves have a dysfunctional family dynamic. You are having to interact with their dysfunctional family and it's making your life miserable. One thing that I say to people in this situation is that when you are talking to your partner about the dysfunction, it is really helpful to talk about it from a behavior perspective. What you don't want to do is you don't want to go to your partner and say, your mom is fucking crazy. I hate her. She's the worst. Or your dad is a monster demon. You don't want to say these things because your partner is likely going to get very defensive, understandably. Do not attack the person. Although you might have very strong feelings about the person, do not attack the person because you want your communication with your partner to land and to be heard and to actually help you guys talk about this in a constructive way. And so you don't want your partner to shut down. Instead, go to them and say something along the lines of, I want to talk to you about something that I have noticed is a pattern. When I'm with your mom, X, Y, Z happens. This is the behavior that keeps coming up. And this is how it impacts me. You want to connect those dots. You want to say, this is the pattern of behavior, and this is how it impacts me. When you have a partner who's in denial about their family situation, it's not necessarily because your partner doesn't care about you or is a horrible person or anything like that. It oftentimes is because they're so enmeshed into their own family dysfunction. They don't see it. These things have been so normalized for them. The way that they have learned to cope with it is oftentimes to go with the flow, to not rock the boat. And when you go to your partner because you want them to confront their family dynamic, that's a big thing for them to do. It's a really big thing, it's a scary thing, it's a hard thing for them to do. And it's not that your request is unreasonable because it's not. Just both of those things are true. It is very much not okay for your partner's family to mistreat you. That is true. And it is very hard to confront the status quo in a dysfunctional family. You and your partner are both experiencing hard things. And sometimes it's really challenging to keep that in mind, but it's really important to keep that in mind because you want to work with your partner as a team to address this. You want your partner to hear you. You want them to understand your perspective, to see that it is super valid, and you want to collaboratively figure out how you guys as a couple are going to handle the situation. It's really important to have empathy for your partner and where they are in their own healing journey if you want to successfully do this and to not have them shut down and get really defensive. Now, they still might shut down. That might be the way that they respond to this. However, there are things that you can do that will make that less likely, will make it more likely that they will hear you. And that's what I'm talking about here. Not demonizing the person, really talking about the behaviors, the pattern of behavior, and how that has impacted you over time, having a conversation about
that. And what can be really common in this dynamic is that you have that conversation and then your partner says, Okay, I agree. I'm so sorry. The end. And that's not okay either. It's not okay for them to just validate your experience. Something has to be done, right? Because it's not okay for your partner to ask you to continue to subject yourself to ongoing abuse so that they don't have to do something that's uncomfortable for them. That's not okay. That's not something that you signed up for. That's not something that should be expected of you. That is just not healthy and it's not okay. When you feel really stuck in this dynamic with your partner, when you feel like you are trying your hardest to advocate for yourself and to explain to them how you're hurt and to have productive conversations with them, but they keep shutting down. I
cannot encourage couples therapy enough. This is a time when you really want to have a third party help you navigate some of these tricky situations. Now I can't make your partner go to couples therapy with you, but hopefully your partner is open, even if they're not excited about it, even if it wouldn't be something they would initially choose or initiate themselves, hopefully they're willing to go with you. Cause I think there's a huge difference between someone refusing to go to couples therapy and someone just saying, I don't think we need that. I don't think it's as serious, but being willing to go and show up. So I think that really, if you're struggling with these conversations, really setting up an appointment with a couples therapist is a good idea. Because ultimately, you guys are both experiencing situations that are very emotionally charged. You're being mistreated, you're being abused, and then it hurts on a profound level because your partner, who's supposed to be your partner in life, your best friend, that person who validates your experiences and sees you and protects you to some level, they're allowing that to happen. And by not intervening, there's often the story that gets told of I don't want to take a side. I love my family and I love you. But by them not intervening when you're being mistreated, that is taking a side. There is no road where someone can be passive when someone they care about is being abusive towards someone else that they care about. And that actually be them not taking a side. It is them taking a side and it's taking the side of I don't want to disrupt the status quo in my family. And that is a really tricky thing to talk about. And that's a really hard thing to talk about. And that is a really layered thing to talk about. When
you're in this type of family dynamic, when you've married into a dysfunctional family system, it is really important to recognize that there are limitations to your ability to get your partner to see what's going on and to do something about it. If your partner adamantly refuses to go to couples therapy with you, if they adamantly refuse to talk about their family with you, this is the time for you to be an individual therapy because that situation is not okay and it doesn't feel good. And you need support figuring out what you want to do, how you feel about all of this. You need someone in your corner who's going to listen to you and who's going to validate what you're experiencing is not okay and who is going to hold space for you processing through what you can do, what is within your capacity and what isn't. Now people get really freaked out by that and they think, I don't want to leave my partner. I don't want to divorce them. And while that might be one option, that is very black and white too. That is not necessarily what we're talking about here. There are boundaries that you can set for yourself within this that might be helpful or more realistic. Things like to what extent that you are going to have contact with their family. These are all things that you can talk through and look at in individual therapy, which is why it is so helpful for you to go, especially because you really need someone who is helping you process emotionally what it feels like to be mistreated by your partner's family, because that is truly traumatizing on a different level. Now, listening to this, you might be a longtime listener and maybe you haven't married into dysfunctional family, but maybe you're like, oh my gosh, this is striking a few chords for me with my partner. That's a good thing. I think sometimes we have to hear it from the other person's perspective of what's going on for them. And my hope is that if you relate to both of these sides, if you relate to one of these sides, that this episode has given you some things to reflect upon and to take back to your own therapist and to process and to perhaps talk with your partner about. Dysfunctional family dynamics are very complicated. They're very nuanced, they're very layered. And it is not our job to continue to tolerate abuse. It's just not. It's not any of our jobs to be the emotional punching bag for people who are emotionally abusive and are unkind. That is not our job. It's not your job, it's not my job. These are areas where therapy can really be helpful, whether it's individual therapy, couples therapy, or oftentimes a combination.
So we've barely scratched the surface on toxic in-law situations today, but I want to know if this episode resonated for you. Do you occasionally want me to sprinkle in another episode here they are dealing with toxic in-law situations? I'm thinking about possibly on my social media channels doing a series about dealing with toxic in-laws. Let me know. Send me a DM, like I said, at Cycle Breaker Therapist on TikTok and Instagram. Let me know your thoughts. And if you never ever want to hear this again, that's okay. This is not going to be the main content, but if it would be helpful every now and then to tap back into this dynamic, then let me know and I'm happy to do so. Thank you guys so much, as always, for joining me for another week of the podcast, and I'll see you soon. Bye. Thanks
so much for joining me for another episode of the Your Not Crazy podcast. If you like the show, please leave a five star review to help other cycle breakers find it. And make sure to check the show notes for other ways I can help. Thanks again for joining me. I'll see you next week.