Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with narcissistic and unmanaged borderline personality disorder. I'm your host, Torie Wiksell, a therapist with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. I also happened to grow up with a narcissist mom who had a lot of BPD traits, and I know a thing or two about how crazy-making these types of relationships can be. I'm so excited to show you what it actually means to break the cycle of dysfunction that we grew up in and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for joining me. Now let's jump into the show. welcome back to this week's episode of the You're Not Crazy podcast This upcoming Sunday is Father's Day for those of us who live in the US. And so today we are going to talk about some of the challenges of navigating Father's Day when you grew up in a very dysfunctional family system But before we hop into talking about the complicated layers of Father's Day, I wanted to let you know that I just released a new free guide called 10 Boundary Mistakes That Keep You Stuck. Inside this guide, I go through 10 common boundary mistakes that I see adults who grow up with a parent who has borderline or narcissistic traits commonly making when they go to set boundaries with their parent. And so if that is something that you feel may be helpful for you or enlightening, you can go to confidentboundaries.com/opt-in, or you can click the link in the show notes of this episode to grab your copy for free circling back to our episode for today, Father's Day The Mother's Day, Father's Day back-to-back holidays is just really a lot of family-centric activity for people who grew up in a dysfunctional family system. I feel like we just wrapped up talking about Mother's Day because we quite literally did, and now we're heading into this new weekend of festivities let's talk about situations where your dad is the primary problem person for you and your family. Your dad is a narcissist. Your dad has unmanaged BPD. Your dad is emotionally volatile, punishing, very intense and stressful to be around Going into Father's Day weekend is probably incredibly loaded for you For extremely understandable reasons, it is probably very intense on your nervous system to be around your dad. You're probably not sure what version of your dad you're going to get These things are all very overwhelming to deal with, and then you throw in this added pressure of it's this holiday that's supposed to be all about your appreciation for your dad and expectations that are involved. Maybe your dad has expectations. Maybe the family, in general, has an idea of what this day should look like. Societally, there are expectations there. It is so complicated for so many reasons. The first thing I wanna say to everyone listening who is struggling going into this weekend is be incredibly mindful of your social media use and intake, especially on Sunday. But honestly, this entire week, as I had mentioned around Mother's Day, it is not uncommon to have complicated feelings come up for you the week leading up to a day like this and the week following a day like this. It is not like it is just the interaction alone with our parent that is complicated. It is everything emotionally, psychologically that goes up to-- it goes into making decisions around how we're going to spend this day. Are we going to get together with our family? Are we gonna call our dad? Are we going to get a present? If so, what do we get? There's so many layers there. It is draining, it is exhausting, and your brain is running through all the scenarios of, what should I do? What does it feel like my options are? What have I done in the past? How did that go? There's just a lot that goes into it, and it's very intense and very stressful. And so if you feel like your capacity is lower this week, that completely makes sense. If you feel like you're not your best, brightest, most cheery self this week, that totally makes sense Instead of beating yourself up or telling yourself that you should just get it together or push through it, or it shouldn't be that big of a deal, try to show yourself some level of compassion by just validating the fact that it makes sense that you're feeling these things, that you're not on your A game, that you're feeling off, that you're stressed, that you're tired, that you feel more depleted, that your patience is lower. Self-compassion this week can be as simple as just validating for yourself that is a reasonable response to going through a very intense and stressful week So circling back to the social media thing, if you notice that you are feeling especially triggered or sensitive being on social media this week as you're seeing more ads about Father's Day, be mindful of that. Make an intentional choice around that. Limit your scrolling time. Read a book, go for a walk, watch a trashy reality TV show, if you will. Try to just be mindful as to what is making a hard week even harder for you, and where can you pull back and make things even at the tiniest bit less intense? Actual Father's Day on social media, there are very likely going to be an immense amount of, "I love my dad" posts."I have the greatest dad in the world. I'm so grateful for him," and that is wonderful for those people out there who that is the case, and for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, that is probably not the most helpful thing for you to see, you don't have to go on social media on Sunday. You're allowed to opt out. You don't have to do it. You don't have to post an obligatory post. You don't have to post something gushing about your dad if it doesn't feel honest and true for you. And even if it were honest and true for you, if it feels bad in your body to do it, you don't have to do it This week, taking care of yourself, so much of it goes back to noticing how you're actually doing in the moment Your brain is going to pull you into a million what if scenarios and a million scenarios that have already happened in the past. And your goal this week is to bring yourself back to what's happening right now in the present moment, and to check in with yourself and ask yourself, " How am I doing right now? Have I drank enough water today? Have I gotten up and moved my body? Have I gotten outside? Have I eaten? Am I taking care of my basic needs? Am I neglecting myself? Am I pushing through because I'm telling myself that this shouldn't be so hard for me. Am I being really mean to myself? Asking yourself how you're really doing in the moment, not as a way to feel badly about yourself if you're struggling, because so many cycle breakers are struggling this week, not as a way to find more things to beat yourself up about, but as an opportunity to actually notice how you're doing so you can do something about it. If you notice that social media is making you feel worse and more stressed out and more irritated and agitated, you can choose to close the app. If you notice that you're dehydrated because you haven't drunken any water today, you can choose to go get a drink of water. If you notice that you haven't got up to go to the bathroom because you've just been so disconnected from your body, you can choose to take a break and do that. You can choose to take a break and take a walk. You can make an active choice once you notice how you're actually doing in the moment Now, as far as what you decide to do or not do on Father's Day Here's the really nuanced part of it all. There's not necessarily going to be a right choice for you. There's not necessarily going to be a perfect choice for you When you're deciding whether or not you're gonna see your family this weekend, whether or not you're gonna call your dad, whether or not you're gonna get him a gift. If you're gonna get him a gift, what kind of gift you're gonna get him. There isn't necessarily a right answer here And I want to emphasize that but that doesn't mean that there aren't decisions that can be more helpful to you When you're trying to make a really layered and complicated decision around how much time and energy you're going to exert towards your very complicated family dynamic on this day It can be really helpful to write out your options. Not just the ones that sound most appealing to you, but write down all of the options. I could call my dad. I could do nothing. I could send a card. I could get a gift. I could see my family. I could stop by for five minutes. I could meet them for brunch. I could X, Y, and Z. Write down as many different options as you can think of that are truly within your control, that are available to you, let's say And then going back through that list and writing down what are the costs and the benefits of making those different decisions. Some of them might be very obvious to you. You might think, " This isn't something I'm going to pick, and I'm very clear on that, so I don't need to write down the costs and the benefits of this decision, making it or not making it." But there's a lot of nuance here. And what you ultimately don't want to be doing is making decisions that are purely based on appeasing your parent or appeasing your other family members at the expense of your emotional safety or emotional well-being. If the only reason why you're making a decision is because you feel like it's easier for you to suffer than it is to disappoint other people in your family, that is something worth pausing to think about. And it's not to say that you're not gonna make that decision anyways this weekend, because that might be the decision that you still end up making. But if that's where you are, it's important to recognize that is a sign that getting support and trying to understand yourself better and processing through some of this stuff is likely to be very beneficial to you. If you have a therapist, talk with them about these feelings, and talk with them about how it feels like the only decision that you can make is the one that sacrifices yourself to minimize the chances of other people being upset with you. If you don't have a therapist, consider reaching out to one. I know it is so hard for so many people, understandably, to afford therapy. It is so expensive. I totally get that One of the resources that I like to recommend is a website called openpathcollective.org. Again, that's openpathcollective.org. That is a nonprofit organization where therapists in private practice can post and offer a few really low-fee sliding scale spots in their private practice. That is a resource that I used for years and years when I opened my therapy practice. That is how I used to advertise my low-fee spots, and that is a really good resource to explore if you're really motivated to get into therapy, but the financial barriers are making it really challenging for you Father's Day is complicated. It just is. Everything having to do with your family is complicated when you grow up in a dysfunctional family. Everything is layered and loaded, and it contains far more emotions than in a perfect world that it would. But if I could challenge you to do anything going into this weekend, it is to pay more attention to yourself. Because yes, your family is complicated, it is layered, they are challenging, to deal with at times for various reasons that we talk about frequently on this podcast. And reconnecting with what's actually going on with you allows you to make changes. It allows you to move through the day with a little less heaviness because you can choose to make a choice to make the day even a minute bit easier for you This is a time when being mindful, coming back to what's actually happening, and choosing to show up for yourself with some level of self-compassion is really key. You're not gonna be able to control how your family all acts and responds this weekend, even if you were willing to completely sacrifice all of your own needs and do what you think is wanted of you. As we know, growing up in these types of family systems, you could do all the, quote-unquote, right things, and you're still gonna piss people off sometimes. It is just not the way it works that you could sacrifice yourself and therefore never rock the boat, because it's not really about you rocking the boat. It's about your toxic parent, their inability to take accountability for their behaviors, their lack of appropriate and healthy emotional regulation skills, them not being the emotionally mature and emotionally healthy parent that you deserve to have. So on that note, take care of yourself this week. Check in with yourself this week. Remember that you can make choices that allow your week to be a tiny bit easier than it would otherwise be if you take the time to notice what's actually going on with you and if you use that information to help influence the decisions that you're making as you go through the week So on that note, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you next week. Bye. Thanks so much for joining me for another episode of the You're Not Crazy podcast. If you like the show, please leave a five-star review to help other cycle breakers find it, and make sure to check the show notes for other ways I can help. Thanks again for joining me. I'll see you next week