Masks Off: Let Your Presence Serve Your Purpose

The Speaker Alter Ego Quiz

Take the Speaker Alter Ego quiz to find out which protective mask hides your natural radiance so you can learn how to get present, connect deeply, and share your vision when it matters most!

https://voice-matters.com/speaker-alter-ego-quiz/

Transcript

Lauri's intro — off-season series, the mask conversation

Lauri 0:32

Hey there, it's Lori here with another off-season conversation where someone else is asking the questions. This one is an older episode from a show called Masks Off with Kim Gross. Let your presence serve your purpose. And given the name of that show, you can probably guess why it ended up in this collection. Kim and I talked about the exhaustion that comes from performing a version yourself that isn't quite true and the energy it costs to maintain that front. We also talked about what becomes possible when you stop, when you let yourself come from presence instead of protection. This was recorded a while back, and the core of what I was saying then is what I'm still saying now. That mask conversation never gets old because the mask never fully disappears. It just gets quieter the more we practice taking it off. If you're tired in that specific way, not from doing too much, but from being someone held back for so long. This one's for you. Here's my conversation with Kim.

Kim 1:43

Welcome

Kim opens: Warriors vs. Celtics and how they met

Kim 1:44

everybody to another episode of Masks Off. I'm Kim Gross, and today I have Lori Smith with me. And I'm gonna say a couple of things for those of you who only are listening and you're not watching. You have to know that I have on my Boston Celtics versus the Warriors from last year. And Lori has on her Golden State Warrior gear. And I'm just so excited because she said, Is it okay if I wear the Warrior stuff? And at first I was like, I was gonna wear a sweater, and then I'm like, no, I'm gonna get my Boston shirt out. And we had a little banter beforehand. So I just wanted to call that out. And also just to share, too, that the way that Lori and I met was through a mutual friend, but I was and I was referred to Lori because I was working on a signature talk and Lori does coaching, and she helped me with my signature talk. And I'm gonna go a little bit deeper into that in a few minutes because it's going to segue beautifully into our conversation for today. And I'm like so excited for it. But as always, I start every episode with a quote, and so I will share the quote, and then I'll let Lori introduce herself. I'm gonna share two quotes today. Normally I share one, but Lori, you're getting two today because I loved them both. So the first quote is by Lori, and it is presence begins where primal and purpose meet. We'll talk about that in a moment. And then the second quote is voice is a deep personal reflection of character, of who we are, a fingerprint of the soul, and that is by Daniel Day Lewis. So welcome. Thank you so much for being here. I don't even want to let you introduce yourself because I just want to start talking, but I'm gonna pause and breathe and step into some presence, and I'll let you say who you are in your own way.

Lauri 4:07

Oh,

Lauri introduces herself: voice as a fingerprint of the soul

Lauri 4:08

thank you. I'll keep it short. Uh, I'm inspired in this moment by the Daniel Day Lewis quote. So um I'll say I'm I'm a public speaking and leadership coach, an intuitive public speaking and leadership coach, focused very much on helping people to embrace and unleash their innate, unique presence. And part of why I do that is embedded in his quote: the voice being a fingerprint of the soul, holding back our emotions is part of how we derail ourselves from being present. And I believe that when we open up and we're in our full presence, especially when we're speaking or making sound, we have an opportunity to share the resonance of our soul's purpose with the world. That fingerprint of the soul comes out on the voice. That's beautiful.

Kim 5:10

Okay,

Intend. Align. Invite. — and why Kim hated her talk

Kim 5:11

Penn. Pause and breathe. I'm so excited. Me too. So that does segue perfectly into how I was working with you because as I said, I came to you to get coaching on my signature talk, and you taught so beautifully about help me out here. So in case I forget them or remember the order, but intend, align, and invite. Okay, my my people pleaser mask just came on, like I'm pleasing my teacher. I got an NBA. Um, but I want what I want to say about that is that you had such a unique stamp on how you taught public speaking. And I don't think even when I was working with you one-on-one that I fully appreciated what you were trying to teach. It has become more clear to me in the following weeks what it means to be in my body, to breathe and to be present. And I even said to you on our very last session together, I said, I hate my speech, I hate my talk. Remember, I said that to you? And the reason why, and it's been it has become even more clear is because when I was doing the talk, I was coming from the head, from the mind, from this place of I had to sound a certain way, I had to follow the prescription, I had to do it a certain way so that I could please the audience and get them to like me, perform, and perfect. And as long as I was coming from that energy, it just didn't come out right, right? I was like, like, you know what I mean? Like you're oh my god, it was awful. Yeah. And so maybe I'll give you a few minutes to then explain like more, because that's a mask, those are my masks, and why I wasn't really able to fully embody my talk or come from a place that I really wanted to come from.

Lauri 7:42

Yeah.

What happens when you build a talk with the mask on

Lauri 7:43

What's kind of coming to me right now in this moment as you're talking is, you know, you had a draft of the talk that came from working with someone else in an environment that I wasn't in it. And I'll just kind of say it feels like the environment was more about please perform and perfect, and then give me your money after I've pleased and performed for you in the perfect way to get you to open your wallet. And it's harder if you learn it with the mask on, if you create the whole talk with the mask on. We shifted it, and I remember that that last, like, oh, I hate my talk. Part of it was that there were still some pieces that were like they came from that old environment. It's a lot harder if you created the talk in the environment with the mask on. It's like your body and your mind have memorized, do it from a mask. Yeah. It is possible to take someone else's formula and like figure out how to embody it if that formula feels aligned for the person. Or you gotta blow it up and kind of start over again and get rid of anything that feels like the mask. 100%. Yeah. And um one of one of the masks that I named that shows up a lot for speakers is the peppy pleaser. So that it's you know, the hidden intention of the inner critic in the background is you gotta please them to keep their attention or to earn their attention. And it it tends to also be very, very peppy, like smiling all the way through the whole thing.

The Rise retreat: eye gazing, exorcisms & sovereignty

Kim 9:49

A hundred percent. And I took your quiz, and that's the one that I landed on was the peppy pleaser for sure. So then I want to just like continue on. So we finished working together, and then a couple of weeks ago, I went to a retreat with our mutual friend, Deb. And it was um called Rise, and it was about stepping it more into your sovereignty. And what I I had a major like shift in this just piggybacks on the work that you and I were doing and more along this line of coming into presence. So I got there and the retreat was way outside my comfort zone. The activities that the people were doing. And I first of all, let me back up and say I really didn't have a full picture of what we were going to do. I just know that my coach, um, who coaches the same group that Deb and I are in, he's amazing. And it was going to be led by these 12 men. And I was just curious about stretching my comfort zone and pushing my edge. I knew there was going to be a cold water plunge, and I knew there was going to be a lay down with the Mustang experience, but that's all I knew. So I get there on day one. I fly out to Utah, I get there day one. Talk about taking off a mask. Some of the activities included eye gazing for over a minute, for minutes, minutes. And like eye gazing. I don't even do that with my closest loved ones. And then the level of hugging and intimacy, the way they hug one another, and just all of and then the dancing and the chanting, it was just very out there for me and very woo-woo. And so that was day one, night one, three hours ago. Holy shit. Next morning I wake up and I journal and I'm like, okay, and I realized how much I was othering and judging. And then I realized this is 100% about me because of my uncomfortability with intimacy and connection. Like it's something that I've always kind of had this stirring and longing to be able to be that uninhibited, but I could never bring myself to be okay with it. And that's why I was judging. I was feared, I was afraid that they were gonna come and like want to hug me and I would out. And also I had to set a lot of boundaries. There were some activities that I had to tap out of because it was too much for my nervous system. So this went on all week, weekend, sorry, all weekend. Sunday, the last day at the end, we're processing the whole event. And one of the leaders um asked me to share. And so I started by saying, most of you don't know me, most of you don't know that I have a podcast called Masks Off. And on that podcast, I take my mask off and I try to be vulnerable and honest and real. So I'm taking my mask off with all of you, and I'm gonna be honest and tell you that Friday night I was like, I need to get the fuck out of here because these people are like a cult. I literally said that to the whole room of 80 people. Right? I'm like, this is some other level cult shit. And I said, but then I went on to also explain after I said that, like, because that was my truth. That was my truth, that was my feeling and my experience. But there was another one that I just explained that I was othering them and I was judging them, but I was really judging myself. And by the time Sunday came along, I had shifted into having such an appreciation, such an appreciation for the love that these people were sharing with one another. And that I was also really stepping into my own sovereignty by being able to set boundaries and say, like, I really can't do this one, this one's okay. And so that for me, I didn't need to do some of the chanting and uh exorcisms that I were doing. They were literally looked like they were doing some exorcism shit. I didn't need to do that in order to step into sovereignty. I just needed to speak up. My whole point of sharing that entire story is that when I was speaking to a room of 80 people, and I share this with you because it was like a talk almost. I 100% dropped every single mask that I had. I dropped into my body, I was fully present in my body and connecting with the entire room, which I learned from you, which was to hug the room and feel the room. I got nuisance right now, just telling you that because that's that's what you're teaching, right? Isn't that the key? What are your thoughts on that?

Setting boundaries from an open heart vs. from armor

Lauri 15:02

Yeah, and my heart is so full and you know, I'm I feel tremendous full fulfillment and gratitude that I get to I get to experience some of where our work has gone beyond the last time I saw you doing our work. Yes, and just the beauty of setting setting boundaries from an open-hearted present place rather than a walled-off, protected or masked place. Um, in my own life, I when I was in my 20s, late 20s, early 30s, I didn't understand why everybody else was saying yes to everybody left and right. And part of it was because I had a mask and I had like the most potent jaw tension um of anybody I know at that point. I even remember someone when I was in grad school, one of the undergraduates at the same school, like saying, pointing out to me that uh a director in a play that we were in, sometimes when she talked, I would just like, you know, the armor would come into my jaw. And I was very good at setting boundaries from this, like, I'm walled off, I'm protecting myself, I'm gonna say no. And that was the only way for me to do that at that time. So it was a great part of the process. And then for me, in the 30s and 40s, I'm now in my 50s, um, and still walking the road and 30s and 40s, I really got into like, I can absolutely love you. My heart can be open. And what's happening here? My answer is no to this. My answer is yes to this other thing from this very open-hearted place. So imagining you in a room full of 80 people sharing your journey and your experience in that speech-like moment, and all of the moments in between Friday and Sunday, where there's 80 people in the room and it might be one or two people, and you're going, This one's a hard no, I'll be over in the corner doing something to nourish myself while you all nourish yourself in this other way that's not for me, is it's just amazing. It's amazing.

Presence ripples: the podcast, the relationships, the infinity loop

Kim 17:32

Thank you. And and I think it was amazing for me, and that's why it's just been like things just keep opening up even more. And I and I think I I did, I shared with you before I pressed record that I'm even seeing that translate into the podcast that I said to you, normally I record for like 25, 30 minutes. And I said, Lately, I have been so connected, and I've loved every guest that I've had. So I want to every guest that you know, I've loved everyone, all 50 that I've had. There's something that's different in me. It's not about the guest, there's something that's different in me in the last like five or so, that I'm so more in my body and in my presence that I'm connecting more. So, yeah, one of the things I used to share with you when we were doing our coaching was that I was always afraid I would forget what to say next. And that's where you taught me that breathing and coming into your butt will actually help. And so I even notice when I'm interviewing a guest, if I start to speed up in my talking, I'm now more, I quickly can like, okay, I drop right back into my body and I pause. And whatever I whatever I'm trying to think to ask next or say next, it just comes and I'm more connected to you. I'm more connected to being able to listen. And and so therefore, these podcasts have been going longer. So I sorry, not sorry, listeners, because you know, sorry if you have to listen longer, but it's so, I think it's so much richer because it's so much more connected. And so, my reason for bringing that up is to say, now imagine if we bring this into all of our relationships, our relationships with our children, with our spouse, with our significant others, with our boss, our coworkers, our friends. Imagine bringing that kind of energy into our relationships. What do you think about that?

How to help someone who was where Kim was six months ago

Lauri 19:51

Yeah, I feel like any area of our lives that we're learning to drop the masks and breathe and be present and be seen has a ripple effect into the others. And if you're working on both or have consciousness around both at the same time, it starts to be like an infinity symbol where the personal life is impacting the presence on a stage and vice versa. Um, and you you made me think for a long time, it was like I was learning about myself as a leader and myself as a human in my acting class first, learning to drop all of the masks, any need to be seen a certain way in order to be like a clear channel to then layer the character on top of that. Yeah, and that would ripple into my personal life. And then at a certain point, I started, I started studying coaching and I went through a leadership program and it flipped where it was like, well, now I'm working on my presence as a human and as a leader, and that rippled back through my acting when I wasn't even focused on my acting. Um, people came to see me speak and came to see me act, and there was like another notch up of like the minute you walk down on the stage, you looked at home even more than you did like right after you worked with your favorite acting instructor.

Kim 21:25

I get that, and I love that. And I think what I'm thinking about in this moment is like I get it because I'm experiencing it in my life right now. I know what you're saying, but if you and I were having this conversation six months ago, I might not fully embrace embody or understand what you meant. So how do we, how do we how do we or can we help those that are listening that might be at that place that I was at six months ago so that they can be able to begin to open and taste the yumminess of this?

Lauri 22:14

Yeah,

The reluctant leader and the unconscious mask grab

Lauri 22:15

yeah. Um I'm like, how can we? Some of the things that occur to me are like um I used to be a reluctant leader. And a lot of times I say that I work with visionaries and leaders and change makers, and many of them don't see themselves as that. Like they might respond to the term reluctant leader. And some are all in. They're like, Yes, I'm a visionary, get me to a TED talk. And the ones who in this moment it feels like they might be, you know, six months ago, you. Yep. They may not even be conscious of moments where they grab for a mask. It the masks are not the real us. It's like if I when someone said, Lori, you're a leader, and I was in the like no, or I'm reluctant, it was in part because I grew up with an image of a leader is a man in a suit. And and there's a commanding, like command and control way that leaders are. Some of the other masks, the Peppy Pleaser and my top mask is actually the deranged mannequin, which is a name that a lot of people don't love. And I'm like, hey, that's my top mask, too. Um, and and I'm the most deranged of all the deranged mannequins out there when I go there. That can come from feeling like great speakers, are all extroverted, high expressive, lots of movement energy. Like Tony Robbins is I've seen video and I know people that have gone to the events three days non-stop. That is Tony Robbins' natural, innate style. It's not mine. But if we think, oh, a great speaker is funny, extroverted, high energy, jumping up and down on tables, and somebody puts us in the fight or flight high stakes situation of speaking, we might grab for this mask and start to get really effortful trying to create the amount of energy that on Tony Robbins is just like breathing. Um that's part of it. It's like we think there's a way we're supposed to be rather than Tony Robbins is Tony Robbins. That's why Tony Robbins is charismatic. Barack Obama is the only Barack Obama, that's why he's charismatic. Kim Gross is the only Kim Gross. That's how Kim Gross unleashes her presence.

Kim 26:54

Oh, that is beautiful. I love that. And I think that what I wanted to tap into with that as well is what you said. And I'm just gonna underline

Tony Robbins is Tony Robbins — and you are you

Kim 27:05

it, highlight it, and bring it out even more, is because for so long I didn't even know that I was grabbing for the mask because it was so comfortable. It was like my most comfortable pair of sweatpants that I just grabbed and put on all the time. It was so familiar, so comfortable. I've been doing this mask since I was 11, as you know from my signature talk. I have been perfecting forming, performing, and pleasing since I was 11. And so I think for myself, I know for myself, and I think for many that we think it's who we are. It's a part of us. It's like we think it's my person, our personality. Well, that's just me. That's just how I always was. That's me. No, it's not. Yeah, it's not who you are, it's not a part of your personality. Who you are is you just said, your own signature stamp on on who you came into this world to be. That's a pattern. Those masks are patterns, they're personas, they're protective armor for protecting us from being our true and authentic selves. And of who we are meant to be.

Lauri 28:27

Yeah, and the the masks that we might grab for might be influenced by who we really are. So for me, I'm

How masks form from the parts of us the world rewarded

Lauri 28:38

I'm a passionate person, and my passion doesn't tend to go toward joy as often as some other people's. So the mask that got born, because you know, when I was younger and trying to survive teenage years and whatnot, it's like there's a part of our personality that people accept more or that we believe are going to keep us safe. So we start to give the world only that, only that again and again. For me, um, high energy passion, which you know, I'll do a demo for the people seeing the video. It's like there's a part of me that thinks that that's the only part of me that's acceptable. So I have to be working hard all the time to earn people's attention, to earn their respect, to keep myself safe. And all that hard work becomes this tight body that is the deranged mannequin mask. And the peppy pleaser is another one. If you're somebody who does innately express a bubbly joy from your feet all the way up to your face, and then the world starts to reward you and it starts to feel like I'm safe and I can fit in if I'm peppy and I'm pleasing people, then some of those personality traits that are there become the only ones we use. And then it's like it sort of hardens into this protective mask, and then we don't realize that we have a mask on. Or for some people, you had already started dropping the masks in your life, so even the six months ago you probably could have heard me and gone, oh, because you might drop the masks in your daily life, but then a heightened situation like a talk or a video camera or a microphone in your face, um, it brings up the old habit. So, like it's like the mask comes on, the inner critic puts the mask on, and we're like, wait a minute, why is this mask back? Yeah, well, it's just you have a habit in the high-stakes situation, so you got to do a little bit more to release it, just like you did in your real life. You have to do it in this new place. Release the mask that you already let go of somewhere else, because what you learned over there can help you in the speaking. Beautiful.

Kim 31:22

That's beautiful. And I think what I might want to also bring in is that for a way for people to maybe sometimes judge whether or

Exhaustion as a signal: tired of life vs. tired from life

Kim 31:34

not they are living their lives in their true authentic selves versus being in this place of wearing masks, is that for me most of my life, I was exhausted. I was exhausted from having to wear masks and carry around this armor, exhausted from having to cover up and protect my true self. That is so freaking exhausting. So if you or anyone else who's listening, it's like just tired of life. Yeah. You're just like, uh, just judging to get through the day. There may be something going on there where you're not showing up truly in the world and showing up fully. Because when you are coming from your sovereignty, when you come from your wholeness, and when you come from this place of being your true self, the life force is energizing you, and you can actually do more, quote unquote, you know, do more because you're so energized.

Lauri 32:42

Yeah. And there's you reminded me one of the ways for a fellow deranged mannequin that, you know, this is very, it's probably for all the types,

Riding a wave vs. working it

Lauri 32:53

and the deranged mannequin and the peppy pleaser um report that they're tired after speaking in their lives. And uh one thing that I said to someone who had, you know, this excess work, hard work thing that I had was when it's really organic high energy, it feels like you're riding a wave rather than working it, or like something is working through you rather than you working it or striving.

Kim 33:33

Yeah, more of a riding a wave rather than working it. Is that what you said?

Lauri 33:39

Yeah, riding a wave of energy rather than working it, or some energy is flowing through you rather than you working really hard. Yeah, beautiful.

Kim 33:56

Yeah, this has been amazing and awesome. Is there you've given so many jewels and gems for the listeners? But if there was like one takeaway that you wanted the audience, the listeners to take, do you have one?

Lauri 34:23

It might be more than one in one sentence. That's okay. That's okay. No, it'll be cool. The the message of today is those of

The one takeaway: your voice matters, your flaws are your gifts

Lauri 34:35

you sitting there listening, your voice matters. You are charismatic, you have your own innate presence, and the things you think are your flaws or you've been taught are your flaws, are actually your greatest gifts. So if you're like, but how do I let go of the mask? If there is a thing like, I'll I'll say in my past, it was my sensitivity. I'm an empath. I walked into acting class in like the second acting class, he, second person in my life in the theater world, to say, you're leading with your intelligence when your real gift is your heart. And he was like, Do you understand how amazing it is as an actor to have the sensitive heart that you have? Like, start going into the scenes and just start crying the minute the scene starts, if you've got that in you. And then as a speaker and a leader, I was like, oh no, I'm too sensitive. I'm too sensitive. I thought it was a flaw still. When I go toward it, it's like I can read my clients' minds. I can sense what a room needs when I'm leading a group thing and somehow balance all of the individual people in the group and pull a theme out of it and weave it all together. And it's really embracing sensitivity as a superpower. So if you're out there and you're thinking I'm too sensitive, I'm a little weird, I'm kind of wild, I'm a bit of a rebel, I'm sort of quirky. Go toward all those things and the mask and breathe, and the mask will probably fall off, at least part way.

Kim 36:32

Ah, beautiful. That is awesome. And then how can the listeners find you? Where and how can they find you?

Lauri 36:40

I am old school, so I ask people to go to my website, voices-matters.com. And then if you love the Facebook, the Instagram, scroll down to the bottom, and all of those are in the footer. Awesome.

Kim 36:56

And I'll have all of that in the show notes as well. Yeah. This has been an absolute pleasure. I knew it would be. I felt so connected and present with you. So thank you so much for being willing to play with me. Thank you for having me. You're welcome. Go, Boston.

Lauri 37:22

Go, Warriors.

Kim 37:25

Thank you, everybody, for joining in to another episode of Masks Off. I'm Kim, and I hope that you enjoyed this episode as much as I did. And I will see you next time on Masks Off.