One in Eight Billion: Finding the Voice That's Truly Yours

What's the difference between a talk people remember and one that actually changes something? It's not the words, it's whether they actually felt you.

In this off-season episode, Lauri Smith joins Kat Polsinelli on Real Chat with Kat for a conversation about what it really means to speak from the heart. They cover the five speaker masks that dim your one-in-eight-billion radiance, why breath is almost always the answer when presence breaks down, and how to tell the difference between sharing your story because you need something and sharing it because it serves.

Lauri also introduces her three-word framework (Intend. Align. Invite.) and explains why the audience is almost never your enemy (even when your nervous system insists otherwise).

Topics covered:

•  The five speaker masks: Porcelain Doll, Heady Hipster, Peppy Pleaser, Jivin' Jokester, Deranged Mannequin

•  Aggressive vs. meek vs. the open-hearted middle, and what each looks like in the body

•  Sharing your story to heal vs. sharing it to serve: a crucial distinction

•  Why breath is the fastest path back to presence

•  Intend. Align. Invite. Lauri's three-word mantra for embodied speaking

•  Rebels with a cause: redefining what it means to lead differently

🎙️ Originally aired on Real Chat with Kat with Kat Polsinelli

— — —

Key Takeaways

1. The audience is not your enemy. 

Fight-or-flight makes us walk into a room assuming danger. In reality, most audiences are neutral to leaning in — they came because someone they trust said you were worth hearing. Start from there.

2. There are three physicalities — and only one of them connects.

Aggressive (pushing, closed heart, tunnel vision) and meek (testing the waters, shrinking) are both masks. The open-hearted middle — effort and ease in balance, heart open, full peripheral vision — is where presence lives. Your body already knows the difference.

3. Safe, semi-public spaces are the bridge between private and public.

Private (one on one), public (the stage), and semi-public (an intimate group) serve different functions. The intimate group is where you build enough energetic escrow to carry the story without being undone by it.

4. Breath is almost always the answer.

Not slow speech … Breath. Pauses that let your mind catch up, let the audience integrate, and return you to your body when your head starts tripping over itself. It's the fastest path back to presence.

5. Intend. Align. Invite.

Set an emotional intention for the room before you open your mouth. Align body, breath, and energy with your most expressive self. Then invite: speak while watching faces, reading the room, feeling the vibe shift. 

6. The difference between understanding and feeling.

Understanding changes a thought. Being felt changes behavior. The gap between those two is the difference between just another speaker and being an untamed leader. 

7. Your flaws are your rebellion's fuel.

Rebels with a cause aren't rebelling against everything — they're rebelling toward something. The sensitivity, weirdness, or outsider quality you've been told to tone down is often exactly the thing that makes your cause land differently than anyone else's.

The Speaker Alter Ego Quiz

Take the Speaker Alter Ego quiz to find out which protective mask hides your natural radiance so you can learn how to get present, connect deeply, and share your vision when it matters most!

https://voice-matters.com/speaker-alter-ego-quiz/

If you love this show and you’re looking for some new shows to fill your queue, head over to feministpodcasterscollective.com to explore everything FPC has to offer. 

Transcript

Lauri's intro — off-season series, Real Chat with Kat

Lauri 0:32

Hey there, it's Lori here with another off-season drop episode where I'm the guest on someone else's show. This one is how to speak authentically and connect deeply from real chat with Kat with Kat Tulsonelli. Kat runs a show built around raw, honest conversation. There's no performing, no polishing, just the real stuff. So naturally, we talked about masks. We got into what it actually means to speak from the heart rather than from a script, why body and breath matter before a single word comes out, and how to balance vulnerability with service. So you're not just being open for the sake of it, but opening in a way that actually lands for the people you're here to reach. I also shared some thoughts on the authentic rebel voice, what it is, why it gets buried, and what it can sound like when it comes back. If you're a leader or an entrepreneur or someone who knows there's a deeper way of expressing yourself that you haven't fully stepped into yet, this one's for you. Here's my conversation on Real Chat with Cat.

Kat 1:41

Hello,

Kat opens: voice, masks, and stepping into Q4

Kat 1:42

hello everyone, and thank you so much for joining me today on this episode of Real Chat with Cat. I am so excited to have you here with me today. And I can't wait to have this conversation. I feel like this has kind of been a trend this year, and especially over the last like six months with my conversations with all of my guests, and we just kind of keep coming back to this is for us and this is what we need to pay attention to. Like there's all these things. And I love that, you know, Laura, you talk about the voice and how it matters and the masks that we are putting on. So I'm like so excited to dive into this, especially known that we are going into what we're in quarter four almost. We will be by the time this is released. Um, and I think that this is when people start thinking about like, okay, what do I want to do to end the year? And then how do I want to set myself up for the next year? What do I want to do different? What do I want to shift? What do I want to change? What do I want to pay attention to? Right. So I'm super excited to have you as part of the podcast. So thank you so much, Lori, for joining me today.

Lauri 2:37

Oh, thank you so much for having me. I have been looking forward to this one and I'm really excited.

Kat 2:42

Yay! I'm so excited. All right, Lori. So as we dive in, let's go ahead and start with a little bit of background from you. So tell everybody who you are and what it is that you do.

Lauri introduces herself: wild-hearted rebels and the energy shift

Lauri 2:52

I am Lori Smith. I am a soulful speaking coach for wild-hearted rebels and loving leaders who want to speak from the wild, untamed, radiant pulse of their purpose so that they can truly ignite meaningful change. And that means on a practical level, that they don't just want to get their ideas across. They don't just want to touch people's hearts, they want to feel the energy in the room shift when they talk, whether it's a live, in-person TED Talk style room or a TikTok, like feeling like the energy and out in the world changes when they share. Oh, I am so excited for this because this is like right up my alley.

Kat 3:41

Um, so um, so anybody that's this listener might be new to the podcast, um, you know, we talk about a lot of how to share your voice, how to connect with you, and then how to be able to connect with other people as well. And really kind of helping you guys understand the pieces and components that you can use in your everyday life, right? So you have to understand that your voice, like Glory talks about, um, your voice matters regardless of where it's being heard. And for me, this is super powerful to be in that space, like you're talking about every time that I speak with people, every time that I'm up on stage and I'm sharing my story or I'm teaching people about domestic violence, that is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for that emotional connection, that reaction, that connection, that, you know, where you can almost like see the light bulb moment go off in someone's head and you're like, yes, they got it. Like that to me is probably what is the most fulfilling. I mean, I love sharing my story, I love educating people, but being able to see people in the room and how they react and how it's made some type of impact on them to me is like super, super powerful. So I have to ask, because I you said rebels, I love it by the way. Um, how did you get into the the speaking space to begin with? And what made you decide that like that's the type of people that you were going for?

Lauri 4:58

Yeah,

How Lauri got here: the student who said "you're a coach"

Lauri 4:59

it has been a journey. So I've been, I've had my business for 17 and a half years. And uh how I got into it was I was teaching a theater class and a student of mine at a community college, so she was about my age, came up to me and said, You're different.

Kat 5:21

Oh.

Lauri 5:21

When you trust yourself, you have more of a coaching style and less of the professor on the podium professing their knowledge style. Um, so what I just said about like wanting to feel the vibe shift rather than just relay information. Breadcrumb, you know, number 187, as I look back now. And she said, I think you're a coach. When you trust your style, you look like you're reading people's minds. Uh, you wouldn't know this because you're not in the other classes, but you're hands down drawing the best performances out of them. And when you trust yourself, it's like magic. When you don't, and you try to do it the way you think you're supposed to, it's really not working for you. I love the honesty. Yeah, yeah, totally. And it was like time, her face looked like it was in a fun mirror, and time almost appeared to be slowing down behind her. And when she said, I think you're a coach, I didn't know what coaching was. Yet, the like, ooh, something's happening here. I need to listen to what she's saying. And I went and signed up for my coach, my first coaching class, like two days later. I paid full price. No one pays full price for that. I now know. And and I started coaching and I was thinking I'm gonna be a life coach. And then right before the coaching exam, I called up an old boss of mine, my favorite boss. He was on an elevator in another country and he took the call. And I said, I need to make myself nervous before my coaching exam. Can I coach you? And will you give me feedback? And I didn't realize because he was a serial entrepreneur. I thought he was gonna give me feedback on my coaching, which he did, which was basically it was amazing. Where did you study? So I can hire my next coach from there. And then he said, You need a niche, you know, lots of entrepreneurial advice. If you're gonna coach in organizations, you need to like 10x the prices that just came out of your mouth. And what's your niche? And he said, You were always very fit when we were working together. Maybe it's something with that. And I went, No, but maybe it's something with voice and public speaking and bringing the theater background and the coaching and leadership background together. And it has been a windy road since then. And then, and over the years, it's like, what do I call the people? How did I get to rebel? Has been lots of like throw paint at the wall. You know, do I call them emerging leaders? Do I call them leaders? No, because they're seeing like a man in a three-piece suit from the 1950s sometimes when I say leader. And a few years ago, I started using the words that have an energy. And if the energy dies of the old words, I shift it to new ones. And rebel, someone really pointed out to me that I am actually a rebel. I frequently notice what's happening and feel like something needs to change and start embodying the change, asking for the change, guiding people to the other change. So wild-hearted leaders and loving rebels is the um, it's not just rebellion for rebellion's sake, it's the rebellion toward the better world that we're all craving in some way or another.

Kat 8:54

Oh, I

Redefining rebel: rebellion toward, not just against

Kat 8:55

love that. And I love that you you kind of like redefined the word rebel. I feel like there are so many words in our language that are some really side meaning because of you know what people have said or what's been portrayed in movies, right? Oh, you're a rebel against, sorry, with Star Wars. I was like, oh, you're a rebel against, never mind. Um, yeah. Um, but it it really is interesting when you look at the definition of the words that we are utilizing and then shifting your perspective on what that actually means. Because even with rebel, I don't necessarily think that you're just like tyranny or going against everybody and screw all the things, but it's being able to do things in a different way, being able to see things in a different light, being able to see beyond what has kind of been put in front of us, this border, and saying, no, but like that's not how things have been being done. And I kind of want to go in this direction. And I think that it's wonderful to have people in that space too, because, like you were saying, we're opening up how we are speaking to people. And if we're using that as a way to um get through to people or teach them something, being able to have a perspective like that where you don't necessarily follow the norm and you don't necessarily follow exactly what everyone says, it allows other people to be able to think of things differently. You know, I one of the things that I always loved growing up was that every person that I was friends with was totally different. You know, there were some that were like really like bookshide people that just kind of hung out with me here. And then I had, you know, some people that were in like what people would call the emo club. That was never my thing, but I loved them. And like I loved having people that were different around me. And I, and still to this day, you know, even when I run the podcast, like that's one of my favorite things is what can I find about someone that is different that teaches me something, you know, cultures and stuff like that. I love that kind of stuff. I love the differences. And I think that, or I feel that in the world that we are in nowadays, being different means bad. Right. And it's shutting down a lot of the creativity and people being able to voice who they are. And so we end up finding a way to wear a mask to make ourselves look and feel like everyone else, because ultimately, right, we are communal creatures. So we want to be liked by people. You may say, no, I'm I'm good by myself. Don't get me wrong, I am too, but I still enjoy my conversations and my connections with people. And I hate that we are kind of in a space now where just because you decide to speak on a topic differently or just because you have a different opinion, like that's blasphemy, right? And you just you get completely taken down. Um, so with people that are in this space, right, that are coming up and saying, like, I know I want to do different, I know I want to speak different. I don't want to be the guy in the suit from the 1950s. Like, how do you start that conversation for someone that has that spark, that feel, and allow them to lean into that without allowing fear to kind of take over?

Lauri 12:04

Yeah,

Starting the conversation with someone who has the spark but fears standing out

Lauri 12:05

it can be different for every single person. And one of the ways that I might start is to ask them what is the change that they want to bring? What are their values? What is their vision? What's the dream that they have? And then when they're speaking, how does this moment connect to that larger why that they have or dream that they have? Because it can begin to make the fear voices fade away because we're not looking at the fear, we're looking at the thing that's bigger than the fear. That's probably that's going to be involved whether I start there or not. Sometimes we might need to take a moment and address the fear because the it feels bad to stand out can actually be it feels dangerous to stand out or be seen. Like we're we're gonna be noticed. We have flashbacks to being bullied in high school. So sometimes we need to look at that fear and almost even take a moment to notice what are the masks that you've worn throughout your life that have, instead of actually having you know that you belong, that have helped you to fit in or to hide, depending on what was gonna feel safer, and then thank them for having kept you safe and done their job and choose to release them. The masks for me, I often feel like it's a strength of a person. So I'm very intuitive and I was intelligent enough to think that I was a left brain kind of intelligent for a lot of my life. So I would protect myself with this heady hipster, smart mask, kind of keeping the heart behind. And I am intelligent, but over time, when I was using that mask to protect myself, it almost became like a repetitive stress injury. Where if you've ever had like wrist trouble, it's like your wrist becomes frozen and you no longer have the dexterity because you kept it like this, mousing all day. And the masks are almost like that, where it's not, well, if you're intelligent, you need to not be intelligent. It's allow the repetitive stress kind of protective mask to melt away and to reintegrate with all parts of you, which, like you said in the beginning, at least for me, for most of my clients and friends in the world, it is allow yourself to be different. Allow yourself to have all of your color palette, which often we're the outsiders, the rebels, the misfits. And speaking of movies, when you were talking about rebel, you made me think of the movie Rebel Without a Cause. Oh it's not that kind of rebellion. It was like a teenage character who was very lost in the world because he was a rebel without a cause. These are rebels with a cause. There is that vision, something that they know the world would be a better place if they ushered in or held the space for some change.

Kat 16:35

Oh, oh, I love this. Okay, let me stay on topic. Um, because I could go in so many different directions. And I what I want people that are listening to understand, you know, because I know we have some in the entrepreneurial

Your voice matters beyond the stage — community, family, wherever you are

Kat 16:46

space, and then we have some that just, you know, have an everyday job. Your voice matters regardless. You don't have to be a billionaire, you don't have to be an entrepreneur, you don't own your own business. You can have a voice in your own community or in your own family. Maybe you're the black sheep and you want to do things differently, right? Like there are so many different ways that we have the ability to use our voice. And I personally feel like our voice always matters. And let me add this: there is a difference between forcing your voice and your opinion and coming at it from a space of being open and sharing with the ability and opportunity to say, but I also want to hear what you have to say. There is a difference because there are a lot of people that are like, oh, I share my voice all the time. There's a difference. And I used to be this person. Like I was so stuck in my opinions. I was so stuck in, like, no, this is the way you're we should do it. And I've I've done this, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's very different when you are in a space that you want to share what you have because you want to help others feel a certain way, or you want them to be able to light up or get an idea the way that you did in your time of need or despair or whatever it is. That's very, very different because you're not forcing one view, you're giving an opportunity for people to see another view. And then you can create a space where you also are willing to receive what they have to say. Even if you don't agree, you have that opportunity. And I think that people need to understand that that is the difference as well.

Lauri 18:22

Yeah, absolutely. And when I work with people, we talk about the body, and there are three physicalities, or really there's kind of a spectrum, but the world

The three physicalities: aggressive, meek, and the open-hearted middle

Lauri 18:34

is walking around because we love to break things into binaries, thinking that there's only two options. I can be aggressive or meek, I can be powerful or powerless. And in reality, there is aggressive, which is the like not it, it's a physical thing. If you're in a state where you are sharing your opinion as if it is the only way and not open to or listening to others, I would bet a billion dollars that your body has subtle to extreme signs of tilting over into aggression. Lots of effort all the way through the body, the heart closed off, peripheral vision closed, so that you're not letting other voices in the room in because you you kind of don't see them, because you're in the physicality of aggression. You may not intend to be doing that. I spent a lot of time in the aggressive physicality when it was a combination of I'm really passionate about this thing, and the part of me that doesn't believe she's enough for this calling is in charge. So she's working really hard and pushing her ideas and every muscle in the body engaged to actually prove my cause to myself through talking to other people. There's also the more closed off what we might call meek physicality, which is like I'm having trouble believing in myself, and I kind of am testing the waters as I'm talking. So aggressive and meek. And then in the middle, there's a physicality, and I see it in you, and I saw it in you when you were talking about sharing your ideas and being open to others. The heart is open, it's the body is not pushing forward, it's not slumping back. It's like there's a balance of effort and ease, enough to be upright while also having an open heart and open vision. So we're making eye contact, but I can also see a bird flying out the window that I'm sitting next to. Or if we were talking in a room full of 12 people, we would be seeing and feeling when someone else is wanting to chime in to our dynamic conversation.

Kat 20:54

Oh, I love that. Oh, and thank you for that. Thank you. Uh no, but I under you were so right. Like, there's so many times that we, it's it's either one or the other. Like there is no middle. And I have to

Proving your cause to yourself through other people — and what to do instead

Kat 21:06

say, being someone who lived on that one side, like playing in the middle to me is like so much fun. There's a lot less rules, there's a lot a lot less worry, there's a lot less dealing with people's judgment. You still get that, but it just like wee, you know, but it's a completely different space. And, you know, when you were talking about being able to be passionate about something, but you said, I'm proving it to myself. Now, this is something that I have learned through years of doing speaking and stuff as well, is there is a difference, and I'd love for you to elaborate on this when we are sharing our story from that space. Because if you were sharing it from a space of you are trying to tell yourself why it's worth and you keep repeating it back to you, versus taking yourself out of the equation and saying, I'm here to make a difference in the lives of the people that I'm in front of. Those are two very different conversations. It can be the same words, but the feeling and the emotion and the energy that's behind it is completely different when other people receive it.

Lauri 22:09

Yeah. And if you're to me, one might need to lead to the other. So for some people, they might crave spaces where they can share their story,

Sharing your story to heal vs. sharing it to serve

Lauri 22:21

and they are still processing the story themselves and healing the story themselves. And the emotions might be overtaking them and running the show at that point. And for a lot of people, they need to go through that. They're uh they're on their way, perhaps, to standing on a stage or in front of a microphone and sharing their story where their journey is serving the people listening to the story. And if they have an intention for they want to see or feel the room shift to a sense of hope or a sense of empowerment or expansion or curiosity, if they're telling it from that place, they're serving with their story. And some people don't even think their story could serve. And if you're listening to this, I have not met a person yet in any of my programs, any people that I've worked with one-on-one who didn't have a story that could serve their people, the people who need to hear it. And since you mentioned stories, Star Wars, it's like it's like you are somebody's Yoda out there, and the telling of your story allows the Luke Skywalkers to put themselves in your shoes and understand what is possible from your story. And it's a very different energy to be open and vulnerable and intimate with a crowd of people while also serving them than it is to be sharing a story when you're not quite ready, because there's something that you personally are needing. Not that you won't get healing out of sharing your story. And it's a there's a distinction, it's it's like a both and of I'm here to serve. And yes, some things might be healing and transforming and changing, and my consciousness might be raising as I'm telling my own story to this group of people.

Kat 24:33

Oh, I yeah, I and it's so funny too, because like I, as you're talking about this, I'm thinking about, you know, when I first started sharing my story of domestic abuse and how, you know, I always wanted to share

When the emotion overtakes the mission — and how to move through it

Kat 24:45

it in a way that people would hear it and connect to it, especially for those that had been through it, so that they could see there was another side. And there were a lot of times in sharing my story where, you know, everything gets caught up in your throat, right? You kind of have to breathe through it because all the emotions are rising. And while it is a very beautiful process, uh, and I've used that as a way to heal a lot of the things that I have been through as well. I also want to let people know that you have to do that at your discretion of what you're comfortable with. Because there's there's very different of sharing the story and to the point to where you are not healed in that space and you can't even control how you want to move forward. And what ends up happening is you you get people kind of stuck in that space as well, right? Especially if you have people that are empathetic. They're like, oh my God, I like I feel for this person. Now it's hard to get them to the mission that you wanted to take them through because of where you're at. I think it is so important to um focus on whatever it is that you're wanting to tell and share at home, like on repeat. And I mean this like with your spouse, with your family. If you need to have a conversation and you know that the emotions are going to come up because of things that you've been through, you need to practice that behind closed doors. That's my opinion. Lori, I'd love to know yours because I do feel like one, it gives you space to hear what it is you want to say. Two, you can let the emotions flow and it's okay. And then by the time you kind of get through it and say it again, it's a little bit easier. It's maybe a little bit different, it's maybe a little bit clearer than what you said before. And then when you do have that conversation, you're able to get your entire point across versus kind of falling in the middle of it.

Lauri 26:31

Yeah. Yeah, I would say I agree. And for some people, it's not their family. So the important thing is to find safe,

Safe spaces, semi-public circles, and building energetic escrow

Lauri 26:43

safe spaces and safe people to do that where it isn't public. So I I worked in an acting studio that I loved, and he always talked about private, public, and semi-public. And the acting studio was the semi-public, like there's there's 12 of us here plus him holding space. And you might have some one-on-one time with him, and then when you're ready, you come into the semi-public space. I call it an intimate group. And it's it's how I love to work with people in small groups so that when they're ready to start having a group of people that they're sharing their story with who are all loving and holding space and incredibly supportive and doing the same thing. That's why they're there. There's this middle ground. And that middle ground can be years ago, I hadn't acted in five years, and then I decided to go back to this huge set of auditions, and I had this intuitive urge, because it was like I was coming back to life again after my mother had passed away and went, what am I doing? I need to act, I need to live. And I pulled out an old play about dating called Risk Factor that was more about the risk factor of your heart. And I went, Not only am I gonna go do these auditions, but I'm gonna do a monologue from the play that I wrote. It's a comedy. And I had to meet with a friend in her home and say, I just I'm not looking for feedback on the monologue at this point. I just need you to sit there while I say it because it's a comedy, but I could not say it without weeping because this, like, I suppressed and I, you know, shut off that part of myself. And it was like all of these feelings about intimacy and relationships and like years lost of going off and doing other things in my life and pretending that I didn't care about finding a romantic and life partner. All of that was coming up. And it was like, well, all of that is gonna flow through the monologue eventually, which is part of what it's gonna make it really funny when I move through the tears to the other side. And safe spaces and people and moving through the tears to the other side is what gets you to having a talk and a story that is vibrant and alive from head to toe, where you are changing the energy in the room with your story. If I had been like, well, let me suppress and try to do this funny monologue, which basically was my story in disguise in a play, it would not have landed the way it did on the audience.

Kat 29:39

Ooh, that's that's super powerful. You also said you told your friend that you didn't need their feedback, you just

Telling people what you need — and why that's a voice skill

Kat 29:50

needed it to be there. I want to hold on, we gotta pause on this one real quick because I do not think that we understand the importance of speaking to people what we need from them. Um, and you know, a lot of that is just the way that we were raised and you know, all the things from, you know, way back when. Um, no, but it but it's we it's something that I had to learn even in my relationship of like when we were going through things, or if I was dealing with like a panic attack or I had a PTSD moment, I would have to tell my husband, like, hey, this has nothing to do with you. I don't I don't want to have an argument. I need to tell you what I am thinking and what is going through my head so that I can process it, and then you can tell me what you were thinking so that I can then tell myself what is the real truth. And that was really hard for me for a really long time because we just aren't taught to voice that a lot of times it's you're being rude or you're being disrespectful or you know, fill in the frickin' blank. So, how important do you feel that it is when you are wanting to use your voice to express what you need in that moment?

Lauri 31:02

I think it's really helpful in helping people to get stronger with their voice. The first time, because I'll do that in my groups as well. If you're having a day where what you need is just to say it and you're not interested in any critical feedback, including from me. You have the permission at any time to say, I just want to say it today. I'm not interested in any feedback. And I'll remind the rest of the group like that means none, even if you love it, don't go writing in the chat. Because sometimes that it's like, no, I just want to do and that's the end of the process for today. That's what I need. And I had someone on my podcast at one point who said that our yoga teacher who taught him said, when you first say something, if it comes out like a spiritual puberty, like I'm I'm not interested in your feedback today. The thing to do is to say it again. Like you say it twice in front of a whole group of people because you get stronger every time you say that hard thing until you all of a sudden you're 10 years in the future and you're like, it's not hard for me to to design with my husband how I want a conversation to go. Or it's not hard in this class that I'm in to say, I want all the because eventually I got to a point with her where I said, okay, I'm I'm no longer crying through it. Now I I would like your feedback because the audition is in like two weeks and redesigned it.

Kat 32:35

That's awesome. It I think it's so important. I appreciate you bringing this up about being able to voice what is important for us in those moments. Um again, I feel like we live in a space where we're just taught to please everybody else in this moment or that moment or whatever, especially women. Not saying the guys don't go through it, but I'm just saying, guys, I love you. But but a lot of times we are taught to play it small or be quieter or ask for it when it's convenient for other people. And it's to me, that is so damaging to yourself when you do that. And I'm totally guilty of that. I did that for years, um, where everybody came first. My kids, my husband, my family, anybody you could think of, right? Anyone I worked with, like they all came first. And then I would just be upset and complain about how I didn't get to do for me. And that really was because I chose to put me last, right? Not because anybody else saw that. Um, and I think it's so important that we learn to speak even when we feel like we can't. And I love, I love the idea of saying it twice. I really, really like that. Um, because for me, I used to have a really hard time saying no when I decided I didn't want to be the yes person anymore. And so for me, what I would do if I couldn't say no, I'm not interested, or no, I don't, I don't really want to go to that, or whatever it was, I had a buffer that I used for a really long time. It was like, oh my God, you know what? That sounds great. Let me check my calendar and then I can get back to you. And there was something about giving that grace in that moment. And then of course I knew that I had to go back and actually tell them what I thought. But it was like in that moment, I got a second to just kind of like, okay, I still stood my ground. I still took the first step. And then it did get a little bit easier, right? To start saying, Yeah, no, I actually love that idea. That doesn't really align with me. But that is not something that I said in the very beginning. And that it's so funny that you're talking about that puberty. I can't tell you how many times it was like so squeaky where it's just like, well, let me think on it and I'll give it back to you.

Lauri 34:45

Yeah.

Kat 34:46

Yeah.

Lauri 34:47

And it sounds like eventually your buffer just becomes a breath. Like at first, it's, I'm gonna go away, take some time to myself, and come back and tell you the no. Now,

When the buffer becomes a breath: reps of the hard thing

Lauri 34:57

after all of the reps of saying the no's, like bicep curls, you can you do it in a moment. And the grace, it feels like, is still there for yourself. It's just instead of like a day of going away, it's become. I love that idea, and it's not aligned for me. Thank you for asking. I'm a no.

Kat 35:20

I love that. Now, I have to go to this because I know this is also a freebie that we'll we'll get to toward the end, you guys, that you're gonna get you talk about the masks that we wear, and would love for you to elaborate what that means for you.

Lauri 35:34

Yeah. There are masks that can show up anywhere in our lives. And the five that I put in my quiz are the ones that I see specifically when somebody's gonna public speak

The five speaker masks — and how they show up in high-stakes moments

Lauri 35:45

and yet just know that a lot of people have said, like, this is the mask of my whole life. And it's what we did to survive. And we might be a different person now in our lives, like we've outgrown those masks, but then something happens when we get on a stage, and it's like our body reverts to this old mask that we haven't even been using elsewhere in our lives. And it often is a mask of what do I think I need to be in order to be a speaker? What did people tell me to be if I went through a speaking program that might have tried to shape you and your differences and your out of the box into a box? So there's the porcelain doll, very um, peacekeeping, may not actually speak a lot in a dynamic conversation. They might be the one on the side who's just sort of smiling and not talking. Or there may be moments where they're speaking on a stage and this sort of like, I'm just peaceful, is coming out rather than their whole range. There's the heady hipster, which is the like, let me just show you my intelligence, which can be because that's what we were taught a speaker is. They're smart. The peppy pleaser women tend to do this one more than men, from what I've seen, because of things like you mentioned, that like we've been raised in a world where the women are trying to please everybody else. And then in the speaking world, someone might have said you need to smile more. You know, there are bad speaking coaches out there who say things like, especially to women, you need to smile more in your speech. And it's like, no, if you want the audience to feel joy at the end, you can have that intention in mind, but that doesn't mean you need to be smiling or peppy the whole time you're talking. There's a Jiven jokester, which I tend to see more in men, which is the like class count class clown sort of earning the attention of the crowd through the laughs. And they often feel like if if no one is laughing, they're not giving any value instead of owning the whole range of there might be intellectual ideas, emotional moments, and yes, you might be a shape shift, like a room shape shifter who can turn the room on its head and have them laughing. But if you're laughing because you need a laugh, if you're saying a joke because you need a laugh, that's like telling the story because you need some kind of validation versus saying a joke to shift the energy in the room for them. And the final one I call the deranged mannequin. That is my so I've used combinations of all of them. I'm not really, I've never really used the Jive in jokester because that kind of funny is not a strength. I'm like one of those, I'm funny when I'm not trying to be funny people, and I don't always get it. Why is the room laughing? But I'll go ahead and wait and notice where the energy goes after this. Um, and the peppy pleaser. I don't tend to use those, but I've used combinations of the deranged mannequin, which is the like, I'm so passionate about the idea that I'm working a gazillion times and as hard as I need to, and it's become tightness in every muscle of my body.

Kat 39:52

I love the names of your mask, by the way.

Lauri 39:57

Thank you.

Kat 39:57

That is like the best. And it's so funny too, because I find myself the same way. Like, how we having a conversation? And then I'm like, that was a joke. And I'll have to come home and be like, I was talking about this, and they were laughing. He was like, Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay, got it.

Lauri 40:12

Yeah.

Kat 40:13

I do think it's interesting that um, you know, we have the ability to have the combination of these as well. And I love that you said that. So thank you for that, because a lot of the times we find ourselves or feel like we're supposed to fit in one category of something, right? You said that, you know, you can find a speaker who, a coach who maybe um wants to put you in your box, right? Or their box. And that doesn't necessarily resonate with you. It's one of the reasons why I didn't hire a speaker, speaking coach, because every single one of them had such a rigid process. I was like, there's no room for me, you know. Um, but I think that it's it's beautiful that you you stated this. We need to understand that we are ever-evolving and moving and shifting beings. And so in one moment, you might find that this mask is where you are landing more. And then during this time, it was a little bit more of this. And then at this day, it was kind of a combination. I love the ebb and flow of that. Um, I think that it gives us a space to not feel like there's something wrong or I've got to fix something else because I didn't like fully fit in this spot, kind of a thing. And I think that that's super important for us to remember because again, we're not really taught that we can be dynamic and ebbing and flowing and you know, one way in one day and one shift in the next. And I think that's the beauty of what I feel like the way that you teach is giving people that space as well to fully feel who they want to be on that stage. And I'd like to ask you, you know, from your experience, how important do you feel that that is to the audience when someone has the ability to be in that space?

Lauri 42:05

I feel like it is incredibly important to the audience. And it doesn't mean, you know, one thing that I realized is we have a very adversarial impression of a relationship with audiences because of the whole fight, flight or freeze thing. So it's like we're trained to go up there thinking that they hate

What audiences actually want from you (hint: not perfection)

Lauri 42:28

us and it's dangerous from the moment we begin. When in reality, what's actually happening out there is like they came to see your talk. At worst, they're probably neutral. If their spouse, partner, or friend dragged them to it, they're kind of neutral. Like, what is this about? You know, they're not your people. The person who dragged them there and said, You gotta come see them. Most people in the audience are leaning in, rooting for you, want to see you, want to hear what you have to say, or they would not be there. And if you want to be unforgettable, if you want to change the room and have the change last beyond the room, you need to tap into your one in eight billion radiance, which doesn't live in your head, it lives in your body, which is connected to your head. So you've got a purpose, you've got thoughts, you've got messages, and you have this instrument, this vessel that you're living in from day to day. And presence begins where the primal and purpose meet. Body, spirit, mind all coming together. And when people give a talk in like one of the small groups that I work in, they might start out in their head. They might even get a little into the heart. And then when they come alive in their the the way that only they can, the people giving them feedback will go something like the first time I understood you, the second time I felt you. And that's what happens when they see your TED talk and then they go out and do something different in their life or hear you on a podcast and maybe actually change something rather than going, that was so interesting. Forget it's the way you make them feel that makes you unforgettable and then starts to bridge into lasting change.

Kat 44:35

Oh, that is so beautifully said. Like I didn't want to add anything else. Okay, but I have one more question. Um, you when we talk about getting into this space of sharing, like you said, from an emotional thing where not only do people hear you, uh, and I think that is like so beautifully said, where it's like, oh, that was

The first time they understand you. The second time they feel you.

Kat 44:58

that was really great. Wee, on to the next thing. Um, because I've listened to podcasts like that, I'm like, that's a really great information. And then I'm like, I don't remember what it was. I'm like, it's fine. It apparently wasn't that important. Um, so you speak to the importance of being able to speak from your heart, and then also being able to be present with the body, like all at the same time. So for someone that let's say is kind of teeter-tottering in that where they're like, I feel like I'm I'm sharing the knowledge, but I kind of feel like I'm sharing the heart, but I don't know how to like just fully step in, right? And just share in a space of complete emotion. How do we help start to make that shift?

Lauri 45:48

Two thoughts went into my head, and the first one is shorter. It's almost always breath. If I'm allowing myself pauses for breath, pauses for the audience. To breathe and integrate, it's like our mind might be racing ahead,

Intend. Align. Invite. — the three-word mantra

Lauri 46:11

but when we breathe, and I'm not talking about speaking slowly the entire time. It's like I'm talking, I'm talking, I'm talking, and now I know where to go next because I took a breath rather than my mind sort of starting to trip all over itself. And the other thought that I had was I love to give people three words when I work with them so that they can hear them and then repeat them like a mantra. And there's more that we could work with in this, and even the three words help a lot of people. Intend, align, invite. Intend is what's the emotional or energetic feeling you want to evoke in the audience. Aligning is aligning your body, your breath, and your energy with your most expression, most expressive self, which is where we could work and deepen like what does that mean? And where are you not already doing that? And it's the way we freely expressed most of us when we were babies. This meat sack was meant to be used. And then inviting is having a silent conversation underneath the verbal one, where you're inviting them into that energy intention that you set at the very beginning. So you're speaking, but you're also looking at their faces, reading their nonverbal expressions, noticing the body language, and feeling the vibe in the room changing. Intend, align, invite. And I feel compelled to say your body remembers a line, even though we haven't gone into detail with it yet. So if you're out there listening, feel free to try it the next time you're having a speech or an important conversation with someone in your world.

Kat 48:27

I just want to talk to you forever, Lori. Like it's we just keep, we're just gonna keep going. You guys are just gonna listen. And no, I everything that you say is is amazing. And it's thank you for being so open about it instead of rigid on how you feel that things need to be done. Um, I think that it creates a beautiful space for people to be able to hear more from what we are saying, right? And so I appreciate you sharing all of your knowledge and all the information on the podcast and giving so much um space for people to able to see themselves, even if you're not coaching them yet. Um, so as we as we are coming to a close, um, can you tell everybody then how how can they find you? How can they connect with you? How can they be in your world?

Lauri 49:19

Yeah. The my hub is a website. It's voiced-matters.com. And from there you can scroll to the bottom. I am on LinkedIn, YouTube, and Instagram if those are your preference. And you can also take the speaker altar ego quiz to figure out which which of those masks is the one that might be

How to find Lauri + the Speaker Alter Ego Quiz

Lauri 49:42

dimming your inner one in eight billion radiance the most, which is your strongest one. And then you'll you'll be on the list to hear about news, updates, tidbits, stuff like this.

Kat 49:57

Yes. Oh my gosh. Okay, you guys, we'll make sure you have all that information in the show notes. So you're gonna have to go there and totally take her quiz, just saying. Uh, Lori, is there anything else you would like to leave the audience with today?

Lauri 50:11

Well, you've said it a couple of times. Your voice matters, it is needed in the world. I believe that the the world is almost like one big orchestra, and the string section has either stopped playing or they're trying to play like the drums.

The human orchestra: every voice is needed

Lauri 50:34

When in reality, what we need in order to reach global harmony is every voice in the conversation. The drums being drums and playing like drums, the string section being string instruments and playing like that, wind instruments, same thing from that open-hearted place that you mentioned. That's how a whole bunch of voices and instruments doing different things and being different can come together and create harmony. So if you've been listening to this episode and you're like, it's amazing, these two have incredible chemistry, but they're not talking about me. You just might be the person that we need to hear from the most because your voice matters and it is needed in the conversation.

Kat 51:24

Oh, 1000%. Beautifully said, Lori. Thank you so much for being a part of the podcast today. I can't thank you enough for sharing. Thank you so much for having me. I could talk to you forever, too. To every already else that's out there. Oh my gosh. Um, like if you didn't have a light bulb moment, I need you to go back and listen to it again. Okay. I'm just saying. Uh, and please remember that when we are talking about you sharing your voice, remember it doesn't mean that you have to be someone on a humongous stage that is sharing with millions and millions of people. This can be in your local community, this could be with your family making a difference. Whatever you see fit is where you need to be heard. And I need you to understand that as Lori said, your voice does matter. And it doesn't matter who um it you are that you're speaking to. It doesn't have to be a huge crowd, it can be super small. You are going to make the impact on that one person that needed to hear what you had to say, which is going to help them shift in the direction that they need to go for their life. And if you can make one improvement, I feel like that is mission complete. So until next time, do one thing positive for someone each and every day and see the difference that it makes in your life. Catch you later.