Confront or Ignore: Navigating Rooster Noise Disputes With Neighborly Tact

In this episode, Simon Goode explores practical options for addressing a neighbor’s noisy rooster, from direct conversations using frameworks like the sandwich method and "what ask check," to anonymous letters or simply choosing to ignore the issue. Simon discusses the pros and cons of each approach, including the emotional and relational impacts involved. Ultimately, he emphasizes the importance of thoughtful communication and self-reflection when managing neighborhood conflicts.

TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 Dealing with noisy neighbors

06:08 Describing the neighborhood family setup

07:10 Dealing with neighbor tension

10:48 Discussing Backyard Chickens and Noise

14:22 Discussing consequences and behaviour

18:54 Dealing with a noisy neighbor's dog

21:48 Writing a considerate anonymous letter

22:55 Approaching conflict with respect

26:12 Addressing the rooster problem

32:01 Understanding emotional brain processes

35:31 Dealing with difficult neighbors

36:43 Ending the conversation

Transcript

0:00

Hello. Welcome back to the Conflict Skills Podcast. I'm your host, professional mediator Simon Goode. I set up this podcast to provide free resources and tools for dealing with conflict. So if that sounds like the kind of thing that's useful to you, please consider pressing subscribe. My neighbour has a rooster and Every morning

at 5: 0:18

30 it makes very loud crowing noises right through until about 7am, which means that every

single day at 5: 0:29

30 I'm waking up feeling particularly irritated and annoyed that somebody could be so inconsiderate. What I thought that I could do in the episode today was explore some of the options that I could consider when I decide to talk to the neighbour about it. I'm the kind of person who tends to be a little bit stubborn. So for me I tend to think about this as when I'm going to deal with it and that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to. Although in a sense that's the way way that I like to approach it. I find that I have a much easier time accepting not now as opposed to no. So if I just kept telling myself like by rote, almost over talking myself in my head, I can get through it, I can get through it, I can get through it, or it's not such a big deal. It's not such a big deal. It's not such a big deal. It doesn't tend to work. I would like very much to have a magic button that I can push when I decide to feel differently about something, but I don't usually have access to one. So for me it's often about dealing with a combination of my thoughts, my behavior, my perception and what I'm paying attention to as well as managing my physical body. There's certain ways that all of those different aspects of me change when I get worked up. And so that gives me a lot of clues in terms of what the activities or the types of habits that would be helpful for me, at least in the short term, could be. So let's start start with thinking about our thinking. One of the issues when the neighbour has a rooster for me personally is that I often interpret this as very disrespectful. I like to be a respectful person. I suppose at the end of the day I'm to some extent tuned in about the people around me. So I find it very almost not right. It's unjust or something. It's difficult to accept when other people are inconsiderate. I live in a neighbourhood where there's a lot of elderly people, but also Young babies. And to be frank, I just cringe at the thought of what they must be going through, especially the families who are much closer to the neighbour. So how do I bring this up with that person? I know that I don't want, in my own thinking to just try and convince myself to accept it. That usually doesn't work for me. So I probably want to consider, well, if I do decide to bring it up, what's going to be the best way to do that? I don't want to inadvertently create a massive stressor for myself, which then becomes distracting from the other parts of my life that are important. Frankly, the neighbour with the rooster to me is not such a big deal on the list of priorities. So although I've decided to talk about it in the podcast episode today, I still live far enough away that if I'm honest, it's probably not waking me up. I was already awake and then it's like the frustration that kicks in. That's what stops me from getting back to sleep. And actually I take a little bit of responsibility for my part in managing that. So I know that I want to talk to them about it. I don't want it to backfire and to create a whole bunch of additional stress, even for me. As a professional mediator, I often like to consider issues like this by applying different frameworks. I look for different functional understandings, different ways of explaining what might be going on for the other person I'm dealing with, as well as myself, to be frank. So there's different ways of making sense of this situation often means that I can come up with different options that might work for dealing with it, or we could just start with some of those different frameworks that are focused on the solutions and then we can work backwards and sort of do a little bit of a reality check around what might work. What would that look like in terms of the execution? What. What are the pros and the cons? That kind of thing. So a lot of managers and team leaders, when they come and attend a communication skills workshop with me, they talk about previous things that they've been taught. One of the common ways of doing this is what's called the sandwich method. You talk about one positive, one negative, then one positive. I don't particularly find that helpful. In my own workshops, I often refer to what's called positive confrontations using the what ask check method model developed by Barbara Pachter. I think in reality, what a lot of people do these days is some kind of an anonymous letter. Whether that's posted on a local Facebook or Instagram group or something, WhatsApp or whatever, or maybe a physical letter that's put in their mailbox. But my hunch is that probably the way that most people would deal with this kind of issue is with an anonymous letter. So that's almost like three different options that already come to mind for me for each dealing with this person. With the rooster, I could apply the sandwich method. I could use the what ask check. I could go with an anonymous letter. Although to be honest, there's a fourth option that I've even described as far as this. This podcast episode was already being recorded, which was just ignoring it. So I thought that it could be helpful just showing you how I walk through the application of some of these different frameworks. I'm going to basically use each of these to develop a draft and. And then I'm going to discuss what jump out at me as the pros and cons, and then I might even have a go at drafting up a final. I'm probably not going to want a script, knowing the way that I operate. But some people do like to write out the exact words that they're going to say. I usually like to have more of a wireframe, like an overall structure with a bit of, I don't know, some of the common topics that I want to raise in more detail and some of the other areas in less so. So let's start with the sandwich method. You might hear me typing a little bit because I'm actually going to have a go at putting together a sentence that I might actually use with this guy. Now, I talk about this guy because it's a husband and wife who live in this house. They also have what appears to be a different family member, like a grandmother or something like that living there. They've set up a demountable building at the back of their house, actually, and so that might actually be grandma, where grandma holes up. And they've also got a young daughter who's sort of in kindergarten or something like that. Now, just as a little bit of additional information, like literally, in terms of my context, there is a local primary school that a lot of the kids on my street go to. But a year ago, my son swapped to a different school, a private school that we've enrolled him in, and their daughter happens to go to this same private school. So I talked about being quite cognizant of the fact that I don't want to inadvertently make a mountain out of a molehill. And now all of a sudden this neighbour dislikes me or whatever just from people who live on my street. I don't particularly like that dynamic. I get along with all of the people around me, which is fortunate. So I don't want that anyway. But especially knowing that their child goes to the same school as mine, I really don't want to come across as too much of an a hole or too much of over the top, that kind of thing. So what would the sandwich method might look like? Maybe I could open up a conversation with this person talking about a positive kind of thing. Like for example, the school. I personally would ask a few closed ended questions like how are they finding it? Have they just started? Are they in kindy? What do you make of it so far? Like I'm using a combination of closed ended questions. Are they in kindy? With very open ended, low pressure, low stakes kind of questions like how's it been so far? I don't want to give them the sense that I'm interrogating them or drilling down into some aspect of their life. Frankly, I think a lot of people feel what defensive when they perceive you as scrutinizing them. So I would open up with a positive sort of neutral kind of topic. Then I might ask specifically about the rooster. For me, I probably would say something like, I've noticed that you've got a rooster. It actually grows quite early in the morning. I don't know if you're aware of it, but it's woken me up a few times. Like I would just say it like that, Short and sweet. This is the factual information. Assertiveness is a really tricky thing, isn't it? We look for this middle ground between too passive and too aggressive. That's assertiveness. But what that actually looks like is in the eye of the perceiver. It's subjective. We've all got a slightly different perspective about exactly what assertive communication might be. For me, I tend to find it helpful to focus on the facts and to focus on the behavior. Like this is what you've done and this is why it's creating an issue. For example, this is how many times it's happened. This is when it's going on. That kind of thing. I wouldn't say to this neighbor, look, I didn't pick you to be such an inconsiderate neighbor. I thought you would be aware of this kind of thing. You're an inconsiderate neighbor. That's obviously going to set off alarm bells for them. I wouldn't say something like, God, I'm furious at you for that. Bloody rooster maid. That's driving me crazy. Like, that's just this broad brush kind of approach. Whereas me saying, I've noticed that this has happened, this is the negative consequence that it's caused for me. It might still trigger some defensiveness, people might still feel a bit criticized, but the chances of that happening are so much lower. And then finally, I would probably, in the sandwich method, want to apply a bit of a positive on the other end. I might say to them something like, I don't know if you're aware, but I don't know, this gathering's coming up in the street before Christmas or before New Year's or something. I might see you there. Or I might say something like, I really appreciate you being receptive to that. I know some people might have got their backs up about it if they did listen to me and they were open to hear it. I often want to reinforce that. And so finishing with a positive in the sandwich method could work there too. So what would my notes look like if I were going to apply that method? It might be a sentence describing exactly what the issue is. I've noticed that you've got a rooster. It's crowing quite loudly early in the morning. And then I would want to do some kind of normalising or de escalation. You might not be aware of this. I know I'm not a very deep sleeper, so I might be more sensitive than other people. Or maybe you'd say, I know it's a popular kind of thing, considering having chickens in the backyard at the moment. Actually, according to most of the local council guidelines, including ours, it's not something that you can have in our section of town or whatever. So it's a little bit of de escalation, a little bit of clarification, thinking specifically about how I would raise the issue. And then maybe it's in the context of that positive, and then another positive on the other end as well. What do you think about that? Hearing me sort of bouncing that around in my head. Would you use that kind of an approach? For me, I sort of feel like people sometimes feel a bit like you're manipulating them when you do apply the sandwich in practice. Here's a compliment. Now, I wanted to give you a negative, but don't worry, because here's another compliment. I mean, it is even, in essence, a little bit patronizing, isn't it? Sort of assuming that they don't hold the level of discernment to figure out what you're doing with them. Maybe it would work with young Children or something. But I can't imagine using this one myself in practice. So the second one that I mentioned was the what Ask check framework. So what would we do there? Well, this is where we describe what the person's done and why it's a problem. So we might use exactly that same sentence from the previous method. I've noticed that you've got a rooster in the backyard. It's crowing loudly at this time in the morning or which has been waking me up. Something similar like that. So that's the what I've noticed this happened. This is the problem that it's causing. The next step in this model. The what Ask check is the ask. Would you consider getting rid of it? Are there any options that you could use to make it quieter? I don't know much about chickens myself. Maybe it's something that all roosters do all of the time, regardless. Or maybe there would be a dark shade cloth or something that you could use to convince the rooster that it's nighttime. Like, I've got no idea. Are there any options that you could consider? So what? This is the problem. The ask is what I want you to do. Would you consider looking into options? I'm wondering if there might be an option to send it somewhere else other than in your backyard. And then the final step is a check. I might say something like, have you had other neighbors bring it up with you? Sorry, mate, this probably feels like it's coming out of left field. Something like that. If not, or maybe if they do, promise me that they'll do something like, yeah, okay, I'll look into it. I might say something like, I really appreciate it. Like, I don't know. Would you be pushy? Would you ask for the specifics about what they're going to do? Would you encourage them to talk about time frames? They're all maybes in my mind. I might go down that roll. I think asking questions to encourage responsibility makes sense. When do you think you can have that done by? Is there any chance you could just flick me a message and let me know what ended up working, just so that I know that it hasn't slipped off your radar? Something like that. If it's the second time that I'm raising it with this neighbor, I might also use that what Ask check framework. But there I would probably be more direct. This has continued. You told me this was what you're going to do. I wanted to get a bit of an update or find out what other options you could consider. Starting to drive me crazy in other words. It's like, this is what you've told me. This is what I'd like you to do now and then any kind of check for that. But we might slow it down, be more direct, more transparent, I suppose. And then I suppose at some stage you would need to consider whether or not you begin making threats or sort of talking to them about the negative consequence of their behaviour. I often use an old phrase that the behavior that's rewarded is likely to be repeated, and certainly that is true from parenting as well as from adults. We talk about developmental psychology, sort of implying that childhood is separate to adulthood, but of course it isn't. It's the same brain, the same body that goes through all of these different experiences. You might have had a difficult childhood or something like that. Look, all of your childhood wasn't the same and it probably didn't finish with an immediate turn of the page into becoming an adult, despite the fact that you're legally able to buy a beer or smokes or something similar. So what do you reckon about that? What ask check kind of option? This is what you've done. Would you be willing to do this at the initial time of raising it? We would do something a bit more neutral, like, would you consider looking into options and seeing if there's something that could work if we're raising it for the second or third time? Probably being a bit more direct now. I wanted to talk about another option that we could consider after that, which sometimes people would go to from the very beginning. This is giving an ultimatum, giving them a formal warning. We're explicitly making some kind of a threat here and it is a threat. I don't think it's worth pretending otherwise. You're threatening them, that if this behavior continues, this is what you're going to do. So I like to do that as a choice. And what we want to do is to put the positive option that we hope they choose second. So I would say something like, mate, it's really getting in the way of my sleep. I know this probably doesn't make much sense to you, but as a shift worker, it's a really big deal for me. If you're not able to get it stopped over the next day or two, I'm going to need to consider contacting the local council and making a formal complaint. So that could be it. My threat is if this rooster keeps waking me up, I'm going to need to. Let's think about the words that I used. Consider making a formal complaint. Personally, I like to use somewhat of a trepidatious approach at the beginning. It's like, I'm going to need to think about giving you a formal warning or something similar. And then we present the choice, or if there's something that you might be able to do, or if there's somewhere else that the rooster can go, then you don't have any of these issues to worry about. So that's where we put the positive option. Second, this is what I want you to do. I want you to figure out something. I want you to get rid of the rooster. I'm not saying it too directly. Like, I'm not saying you'll be sorry or that's what happens. When we finish on the negative, if this happens again, mate, you're gone. It's like, okay, fair enough. Like, there's not any intention of collaboration. There's probably no sense of interdependence there. It's like, mate, you're on your own. And if this doesn't change, then I'm gonna get you. Well, what happens next? A lot of people get their backs up and they come out a bit like a cat that's been backed into the corner. This is what's gonna happen if it doesn't change. I'm making a formal complaint or I'm considering it if it's early. Or maybe I'm saying, I'm going to need to come and let you know every morning. Or you could say something like that. Every morning the rooster wakes me up, I'm going to drive over to your place and beat my horn until you come out. You give me the finger to let me know that you're awake and then I'll go and start my day. How does that sound to you, mate? Like, obviously that's just a threat. We don't want to go too hard initially, but personally, I've got a few mates and that probably is something along the lines of what they would do right from the word go. But it's. Or if there's something, some option that might work, you don't need to worry about that. Or we can go back to that working relationship that we had previously, or whatever the thing is that you're offering them. If this changes, by the way, there's a good consequence for you. And if we use that last, it has the most prevalence in their memory and their attention. It's so interesting learning about memory and the different aspects of previous communications that stand out to us and how those different memories are stored, how that affects our nervous system, our perceptual systems, all of Those different elements. So so far I've gone through the sandwich, the positive, negative, positive. I didn't personally particularly like that one. Then we've explored the what ask check model. And then either in isolation or in combination with those previous two, I talked about the ultimatum model, this or this. What would be the fourth option? Maybe some kind of an anonymous letter. I might have a go at that one. I thought about using an anonymous letter myself when I had a neighbor in a different house that we were living in and there was a dog that would just bark all day every day and I was at home studying at the time and it was just driving me absolutely bonkers. I was even thinking about, like putting a sleeping tablet in a sausage and throwing it over the fence and getting the dog to eat it or something to make it fall asleep. But of course, as soon as I considered that for even a moment, I thought, I can't kill this other dog by giving it a human sleeping tablet or something similar. I did go round and knock on the door a couple of times in the end, but they never answered. I don't know if they were home or not. So before I knocked, but especially afterwards, I really thought, should I just go the anonymous letter route? I mean, even as I sit here, I have to admit it's certainly appealing, especially if you can do it in a positive or soft kind of way. I think some people using the anonymous letter, they sort of take a similar approach to writing a comment on a YouTube video or making a Reddit post comment or something. You tend to be a bit more harsh and rude. You're a bit more, I don't know, prideful or. I think people often write from more of an arrogant place when nobody knows that it's them. So they might begin by something like, you've obviously heard your bloody rooster crowing every morning and waking us all up. What are you bloody. Are you some sort of a selfish idiot question mark? Like that kind of stuff? Sure, there's the anger in it for me, and I do certainly empathize with that kind of frustration. But it's just the initial reaction. If we even pause for a moment and consider, how would I think back about this situation in six months time? Almost always we won't remember it or we won't think anything of it at all. And if we do remember this kind of a moment, a lot of us feel a bit of shame or embarrassment when we've lost our nana, when we've come out with a response that's completely over the top. Whereas when We've been able to be gracious, to be the bigger person, to just keep calm, to maintain composure. Especially in the midst of like pretty high levels of pressure or intensity or something, we feel pride. We are glad that we managed to be our best self. We're often glad that we were able to support other people around us in a more capable kind of way as well. So in those moments, whether for us it's getting very, very angry or getting very distressed and crying and like all of the emotions flooding our system, so to speak. I guess the question for me when we think about the anonymous letter is what would your best self version of this be? If you had a genuine care for the neighbour who's going to read this letter, what would that look like? If you were going to get an anonymous letter, what would make more of a positive difference for you? I think ironically, when we think about I want to help you as the neighbour, like I don't want to come across as an a hole. So I might include things like I just want to let you know that I haven't contacted the local council, I wanted to write a message to you first. Or I just wanted you to know that I fully appreciate that other people have got chickens in their yards as well. For me it's really about the rooster. So I'm not saying that you're, whatever, you've done something wrong. For most of the stuff that you've done, it's only this element. So when we can sort of pull that out, make it a specific factor that the person can consider, all of a sudden it's not this all encompassing blame that hits them. Whereas if we start by saying something like, I'm sure other neighbors are waking up as well, it's just ridiculous or something. Or I'm letting you know that I've already contacted the local council. And starting with things like, as you're obviously aware, well, immediately we're beginning in this adversarial kind of approach and we shouldn't be surprised then why? We often get very similar responses back in return. It's like a mirror. So I want to be the best version of myself. For me, that's sort of Simon's one of my goals and then I don't want to regret it, add stress, add drama to my life. So probably for me that means I need to make it quite specific and a little bit positive or coached in respectful language, a bit deferential. So I might say something like dear neighbour. I would probably start with dear, maybe I'm an old fuddy duddy these days, but I'd be a little bit disrespectful, Sorry, deferential. I don't want to come across as disrespectful. And then I might say something like, I wanted to write you a message about the rooster. I wanted to write you a message about the rooster. About your rooster. It has been waking me up

at 5: 24:19

30am every day, which for some people wouldn't be an issue, but because of my work schedule it is causing significant disruption. So I'll read that back, what I've got so far. Dear neighbour, probably new line for me, I wanted to write you a message about your rooster. I like putting something about the topic at the beginning and probably something like it's your rooster or it's where the, where your car has been parked or I wanted to talk to you about covering my driveway, something similar. It's like, this is the issue here. You'll notice in my anonymous letter I'm certainly not by default going with the sandwich method of hope you're well, smiley face. It's like, what on earth is that? Why do people have that knee jerk reaction almost, But I know a lot of people would begin with that dinner neighbour, hope you're well. This is a bloody ridiculous problem that's causing me massive issues. Thanks heaps for your consideration in advance. Smiley face. Like, I just want to throw up in my mouth when I get those kind of messages personally. But anyway, so personally I would write, I want to talk to you about this. I wanted to let you know about this. If I was speaking with them in person I would try and use a low tone, lower volume, slower speed, but I'd probably take a similar approach of this is the issue. I wanted to speak with you about this. It's been

waking me up at 5: 25:53

30 every day. I know some people wouldn't mind this for me because of my work schedule. It's creating a disruption. So I'm not including anything there about a label or a judgment that I'm passing on the other person. This is the behavior or these are the facts, this is why it's a problem. And then I might do something like, I was wondering if there was something you could consider to stop this happening or if not, Perhaps there is somewhere else the rooster can go, Can live. Question mark I know local councils have rules about this kind of thing, but I have not contacted them to complain or anything. I wanted to speak with you first or I wanted to touch base with you first given that I'm using the anonymous Letter. So, dear neighbour, I wanted to write

you a message about your rooster. It's waking me up at 5: 27:10

30 every day, comma, which some people wouldn't mind. The issue for me is that because of my work schedule it's causing significant disruption. I don't know much about roosters. I don't know if there's something that you could consider to stop it happening or perhaps there's somewhere else that the rooster might live. So that's a full stop. I've just said I don't know much about this. Perhaps there is some other option. I'm not sure, like I wouldn't say, what do you think might work, etc. If that was someone that I knew and I was speaking with them, I might say, geez, I don't know much about roosters. Is there any option when they're in suburban areas like this to stop them waking the neighbourhood up so early? But here I'm probably saying something like there might be an option to consider. If not, maybe there's somewhere else that the rooster can go. I don't mind that myself. I think that's a nice way of phrasing it. It's a little bit neutral. Like I'm not saying you will need to fix it or you need to get rid of it or something similar. I'm saying maybe there's somewhere else that the rooster can go. Maybe this is an option that you could consider. I'm not going to say I hope you're happy with that or I hope that you can see where I'm coming from or whatever here. It's just I don't know much about it. Maybe there's something you can do, but this can't continue. So then I've got. I know local councils have rules about this kind of thing, but I have not contacted them to complain. I wanted to touch base with you first. Then I'd probably put something like kind regards. Gee, I'm even having trouble thinking about the option of not putting my name on it in this anonymous letter kind of activity. I mean I would write my name on it. I don't know what to say. Just let me have a go feeling like what it feels like. Kind regards. Your neighbor. Yeah, I don't know, what do you think, listening to this podcast? Would you write the anonymous one or would you put your name on it? Dear neighbor, I wanted to write you a message about your rooster. It's been waking me up

at 5: 29:09

30 every day. For some people that wouldn't be an issue, but because of my work schedule, it's causing significant disruption. I was wondering if there's something that you could consider. I don't know much about roosters or perhaps there's something else the rooster can go. I know local councils have rules about this kind of thing, but I have not contacted them to complain. I wanted to touch base with you first. Kind regards, your neighbour. Hmm. I don't mind it. I quite like the wording of it. I like the length. For me personally, I like the level of formality and I wouldn't saturate it with smiley faces. I think probably a little bit serious is the tone that I would be going for if I did decide to talk with the person about it. I actually think that's not a bad framework that I could use for the conversation as well. But what do you reckon? Like, we had the, what, ask, check way of dealing with it, we could give it as an ultimatum, if you don't change this, I'm going to call council. Or if you can get something done, maybe it can go somewhere else. You don't need to worry about any of that. We talked about the sandwich method at the beginning, the hi neighbor. Really like the colour you've painted your house or something. By the way, I wanted to talk to you about your rooster. It's driving me crazy. Anyway, love the shirt. See ya. I think probably, at least in the short term, what I'm going to do is nothing. Where I live in reality, the rooster isn't waking me up every day. I've already been awake 30, I've heard it crowing and I felt a little bit of frustration. But you know what? Even for me, in my rational bit of my brain, my prefrontal cortex is right now engaging billions of neurons to make sense of this annoying neighbour with the rooster. Like this isn't a small process that's going on as I'm considering these different options. If we were to wire me up with an FMRI machine, it would be amazing watching the different sections of my brain active, etc. What I suspect we would probably see is that there would be quite a bit of activity happening in the prefrontal cortex, the bit of your brain up behind your forehead, and probably particularly in the left hemisphere of my brain, which is often associated with language, lists, logic, those kind of elements, whereas the right hemisphere is sort of somewhat what it's called. All of these things are just categories that some psychologists developed, like that bit's the prefrontal cortex and this bit's the limbic system or Whatever, it's just one organ. Essentially. It's all composed of neurons, the same types of brain cells. Like, within them, there's some kinds of distinctions, but that's what it is. It's an integrated network of billions of neurons. When we think about the galaxy and the universe and something, we're often in awe of the level of complexity and stuff. But the same thing is happening in my forehead while I'm typing out these potential draft scripts that I could use. And it makes me feel differently about it. I know that that left bit of my prefrontal cortex is active here, and it's almost like a transfer that goes on from. From the initial wound up emotions that I was experiencing, from the empathy that was going on for me, like feeling like what their backyard must look like or wondering what it would be like for them to receive the kind of letter that I'm giving them. And I think that inherently creates a kind of balance. I know Dan Siegel and other people that focus on the neurobiology are often concerned with this overall integration, like, how can we engage those different bits of our brain that need to be active for particular kinds of thinking. And often then there's this whole bunch of flow on benefits that come as a result. So for me, going through and writing down a few options today, what I think that would have done would be highly activate the left bit of my prefrontal cortex. And I noticed that I don't feel as angry about it anymore, even just going through that exercise. If I could talk to them about this, maybe I could use the, what, ask, check thing or whatever, or let me have a go at drafting what I would write them if I were going to write them a response. It's like adding nuance. It's adding texture. I'm not any longer thinking about this overwhelming sense of frustration at the fact that the world is going to hell and neighbors don't seem to care about each other anymore. It's like this very specific thing in my mind now. And I wonder if that's something connected with the way that we perceive threats when there's this very ambiguous, amorphous issue that we're just trying to put our head in the sand. We don't have time to deal with it right now. Well, it seems potentially massive then, doesn't it? Whereas when we can pause and just think through an option like, would this framework work better? Or this one, it means that we add texture. We've thought through the pros and cons, we might have realized the fact that. Actually, I think I am going to be able to find the right words to do this. I don't love any of the options I've got now, but, gee, it's better than when I was staring at the blank page. And that then, I think, lowers the level of emotion that is often connected to these kinds of conflicts. For a lot of people that I deal with, particularly in mediation, I often engage in a pretty rational, logical, like, tell me what's happened, let's figure out what's going on here. It's not like I'm diagnosing the people to that extent, but I'm thinking about the themes or the common issues or the really significant events and milestones that caused a shift in the relationship. And then zooming out a little bit and thinking about all of the contextual factors that were going on at the time. I think it means a lot of people walk away just feeling a bit calmer. It's like, okay, look, I don't know if I'm going to be able to solve it, but at least I'm not sitting here feeling helpless. And I wonder if that learned helplessness is one of the reasons why conflict often leads to burnout. For a lot of people, they try one option, or maybe it's two or three or four or five, and they haven't got the outcome that they're looking for. And what that often means for people is that they begin to think something like, well, what's the point? So if that's something that you find goes on for you, if you've ever reached that stage of learned helplessness where, look, it's not even worth talking to this neighbour about it. I've tried that before. Other people are good at talking to the neighbours. I'm just not the kind of person that's good at that. Well, you might not be, that's probably true. But that doesn't mean that you can't improve. Like, this is the kind of thing where our capacity for dealing with a neighbour isn't constant. So there might be things that you can do in your thoughts and your emotions, your physical body, your perception and what you're paying attention to or your volition that would change how you're feeling, change the emotions that are coming up when we hear the rooster crowing and we think about what kind of a jerk this person might be. But what do you think? Has that been helpful? Hearing me pull apart an actual conflict that I'm dealing with at the moment and maybe thinking through some of those very, very vaguely, and I'm probably a toddler when it comes to the philosophy of all of these elements. But what jumps out at you for you? Would you take the anonymous letter kind of approach? Or the sandwich? The what ask check? Or the ultimatums? Or would you just ignore it? Or would something else work? I'd love to hear from you. If you've got feedback or input about that topic or something else connected to the podcast, you can shoot me an email. It's podcast simongood.com but otherwise, thank you very much for listening. I very much appreciate it, and I'll hopefully see you again in a future episode of the Conflict Skills Podcast. Bye for now.