Breaking Generational Cycles With Faith And Courage with Amanda Perry - 39

What if the chaos you grew up with felt so normal that safety seemed boring? That’s where Amanda’s story begins—inside a childhood shaped by alcohol, abuse, and constant turmoil, where “never” felt strong until life pressed hard enough to break it. She walks us through first sips and first highs, the rush of meth and the crash that followed, and the way male attention became a counterfeit answer for a father-shaped ache. School success coexisted with late nights, bad bets, and relationships that hurt. Then came motherhood at 18, and with it a new question: how do you protect a baby from the storm you still live in?

The most harrowing moments are told with unflinching honesty: a violent car ride with her infant strapped in the backseat, the blank stare of a child who didn’t know fear because chaos had always been near. We sit with the complexity of an abortion decision—niceness without truth at the clinic, the weight of people-pleasing over conscience, and the burning barn that seared a deeper conviction: you can hide from people, not from God. Amanda doesn’t sanitize the pain, because the reach of grace is measured by the depth of the pit. Along the way, her mother’s late sobriety and faithful prayers hint at a larger rescue already in motion.

Today, Amanda parents with fierce boundaries and tender purpose—closing doors that once stood wide open in her own home, watching innocence bloom where trauma used to grow. She teaches, disciples, and serves the homeless with a credibility born from survival, offering presence instead of pity. The good part is coming, she promises, and this conversation sets the stage: redemption, restoration, and a new creation built one small choice at a time. Listen for the cliffhanger and come back for part two as we follow the thread of hope to its source. If this story moved you, share it with a friend, subscribe for the continuation, and leave a review to help others find real, hard-won hope.

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Kim McIntire 0:06

Hey everyone, welcome to the It's Time to Rise Up Podcast. We pray you're encouraged and blessed by what is shared today. If you're not familiar with our show, please check out our website at it'stimetoriseup.org. There you will find our social media links. And as for our podcast platforms, you'll find us on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and everywhere else you find your podcast. I'm joined today by my co-host Amber Sampson and first-time guest Amanda Perry. Welcome, ladies.

Amber Sampson 0:37

Hello.

Kim McIntire 0:38

Hello. I first met you, Amanda, in February 2019. You were the first speaker at an encounter conference that I went to, and that was hosted by, I believe it was hosted by College Heights Christian Church in Joplin. I heard many powerful stories that night. They were all redemption stories. But yours stood out to me. And I'm so thankful that you are willing to be here and to share that story with our listeners. So the scripture that comes to mind when I think of you, Amanda, is 2 Corinthians 5.17. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come. That is you, Amanda Perry. And so I'm so glad you're here. Absolutely.

Amanda Perry 1:36

So I am getting ready to be married for 17 years to my husband, Tom. We have six kids, but four kids at home right now. My oldest, uh the whole the oldest that's at home, she's a senior, so she's getting ready to graduate. Um I am a teacher at New Heights Christian Academy. I teach seventh and eighth grade reading, seventh Bible, and ninth through twelfth grade creative writing. It's really awesome because I get to teach my children. I love that. Yeah, I get to spend uh most of the day with them. And um I also am evangelism coordinator at Water Gardens. Just a fancy way of saying my husband and I lead chapel for the sheltered and unsheltered homeless in our community.

Amber Sampson 2:18

And so what else do you do besides teach lead chapel?

Amanda Perry 2:23

What else do you guys do? Uh the we go out on Monday nights to the streets of Joplin and we go into camps or parks and homeless camps. Homeless camps, yeah. And share Jesus. Yeah.

Childhood Normalized By Abuse And Alcohol

Kim McIntire 2:37

It's amazing. Yeah, it is. What an opportunity to shine the light of Christ, right? In the dark places. It's amazing. Well, we are here to hear your testimony, friend. God has redeemed you, and people need to hear God's story of hope. So where would you like to begin? Maybe share a little bit like you did at Encounter.

Eighth Grade Pain And No One Noticing

First Alcohol And Meth For Male Attention

Amanda Perry 3:00

Okay. Um so I didn't grow up in church. I grew up in alcoholism. So my parents were divorced when I was young. And it's a great thought in theory because my father was abusive. And so when my sister and I were very young, my mom divorced him and left him. And like I said, a great thought in theory, except for she continued to date men who were alcoholics and she continued to date men who were abusive. And when we would visit my dad's, he was also still drinking and still abusive. And so it just wasn't with each other. And so I grew up with this normal that abuse, alcohol, fighting, that was normal. So that was my normal growing up. I was a pretty resilient kid. I was happy. I was a kid who got in trouble for not raising her hand in school because I talked all the time. And so on the outside, I don't know that anybody knew that there was so much dysfunction at home. And I guess I didn't talk about it because you just figure people know. Yeah. And so that was most of my childhood. And so I remember vividly remember the time where I noticed that it was affecting me. And it was in eighth grade. And so that's why I teach junior high now, is because I want to be the teacher that notices. Because I didn't really have a teacher that noticed. I actually recently have gotten in contact with one of my teachers from when I was in elementary school, and she was wonderful to me. And I mean, she loved me. And when I talk about who's your favorite teacher, it's her. And I asked her, Did you realize what was going on at home? And she said she had no idea, which is not any fault of her own, but I just remember thinking, I was so broken. I did how do you not know to, you know? And so I that's why I teach junior high now. And um I just remember there was so much hurt and pain inside that I started seeking things outside. And so, like I said, I wasn't raised in church. I didn't know much about church. My mom took us to church, I remember, once in a while, like as a babysitter. So seeds were planted when I was very young, and I'm thankful because junior high years, I did go to a church camp once in a while. So I knew about God, but there was no discipleship. Yeah. Because nobody in my family um believed. And so I was the girl that went to the altar at church camp every every time they offered it and give my life to Christ again, give my life to Christ again because I didn't, I wasn't discipled. And so I love that I'm at a Christian school now because I get to disciple. And it's so important. And now I see the importance of discipling. And so, um, but in eighth grade, it would have been probably more into ninth grade, but eighth grade is where I noticed that I was just really hurting and all through those years, you know, parents are still alcoholics and there's still just abuse and trauma in the home. And I get to ninth grade, and I remember um I was the girl that said never. Like I watched alcohol destroy my family and and drugs and abuse. And I remember, so my mom had been married five times, my dad had been married 14 times. And yes, to some of them to was to the same women because he would they would divorce him and then get back. My mom was, I think my mom might have married him two or three times. And so I'm the youngest of 13. Wow. Oh yeah, so my mom has four, my dad had nine, and two of those are together. I think that's 13. I teach reading not now. So um so I watched this these marriages fall apart and these marriages fall apart and kids everywhere. Yeah, and I said, I'll never have sex before I'm married, I'll never have kids before I'm married, I'll never have kids by more than one father, I'll never smoke, I'll never drink, I'll never, never, never, never. And it was like I I didn't know it then, but the enemy was just waiting to prove me wrong. And I didn't know that because I like I said, I wasn't discipled.

Kim McIntire 7:37

Right.

Escalation, Abusive Relationships, And Survival

Amanda Perry 7:37

But I watched all of this, and so getting into ninth grade is when I really started seeking that. And so that's the never, never alcohol, never this. And I remember, I can remember the first time I drank alcohol, it was because of a boy. That would have probably been my main um what I sought after the most was malatention because I really I didn't have that from my father. And sure. And so um the first time I drank alcohol was because a boy. I remember he stood me up on a date and he didn't show up. So I was walking, I remember I was walking out from Columbus, Kansas, and I was walking, and these older popular girls picked me up and they handed me a micard's lemonade. I'll never forget it. And I remember even as a as a teenager holding that, thinking, I said I would never do this. I remember thinking that. Um and so drugs came in. How at what age did drugs come in? It would have been around that same time, so ninth grade, 14, 15, 16 years old. So started drinking alcohol, and then and then I realized, wow, this helps me not to remember, you know, this helps me not to feel. This is you know, and then because it numbs you? Right. It was like uh distraction. That's good. Um, I remember my mom um growing up, she was a sad drunk. And she we I'd have to put her to bed and I'd have to take care of her, and she would always cry. And I remember thinking, why are why do people do this? Because A, she would either be fighting physically with her boyfriend or husband, and then she would always cry. And I remember to I can remember as a teenager, 12, 13, 14, tucking her into bed. I can remember it. And she would just be crying and just talking to us about life. And I remember thinking, What? I don't even want any part of this. And I remember when I started trying alcohol, I was the opposite. And so I I it didn't make me sad, it just made me more abstract. Yeah. And um how long did that cycle go? Um alcohol? Alcohol and drugs. So that would have been till I was probably 25. So all through high school. So I started smoking marijuana to make a boy mad. I can remember um the first time I tried meth was because I had a boyfriend. And so at this time I was still like before I started trying drugs, I was still a little bit naive. And I dated, I had dated a drug dealer or two, but I didn't realize that's what they were because I was still a little naive. And I had this boyfriend in ninth grade, I think it was ninth or tenth grade, and he would always like leave me to go with his buddy on drug deals, and I didn't really know that. And I remember finally after I started it started realizing what was happening, and I remember talking to him and saying, Whatever you're doing, I'll do it too, just so I can be with you. And he said, Are you sure? And I said, Absolutely. So I was like, this so this would have been pre-drugs and alcohol, because I would have been the good girl then. You'd have been the what? The good girl. Oh, okay. Right. So this is before you started that. Maybe. Okay. Well, let's get real. I alcohol was first. Okay. So alcohol was first. And so probably looking back or looking at it then, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I see. Because alcohol was everywhere. Clarify. You know what I mean? Yes, thank you. And so when the meth came in, I remember thinking, whatever I have to do to be with you, I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved. And I remember he took me back to his house and he gave me um some meth, and then he took me uptown, dropped me off, and he's and he left me anyway. I'll never forget that. He left me anyway. And actually, um, this would have been a story maybe you heard it encounter. Um I was up on the square of Columbus, and I had just done meth for the first time and actually confronted a girl who'd always wanted to fight me because I felt like I was 10 foot tall and bulletproof. And then these two older guys who are much older, like I would have been ninth grade, I'm pretty sure ninth or tenth grade, and these men, these men would have been out of high school. And they said, Hey, do you want to go with us? I'm high. I don't I've never been high. And so I'm like, sure. And so I remember they drove me around the country roads, could have been a lot worse than it was, but they just kept giving me drugs. And I was a little girl then, I mean 100 pounds, 110, maybe.

Amber Sampson 12:14

Oh my goodness. And in ninth grade, what how old are you in ninth grade like?

Amanda Perry 12:17

14, 15, yeah. And so Samanda. Right. And I remember I didn't eat or sleep for probably five days, and somehow went back, was not mad at the boyfriend who just left me, and he took me to the North Park Mall here in Joplin. That's the story. Uh-huh. That's the story. And I he was shopping for shoes because he was high. I wasn't, I was coming down. And I remember being at the shoe store at the Joplin Mall, and I was literally crawling across the floor in the middle of public. There are people everywhere. And I remember crying, and I remember just caught like telling him, like, I have to go home, like, I am not okay, like I need to get to bed. I'm tired. And I remember thinking in that moment on the floor of the shoe store, I'm never doing this again. Why do people do this? And then the next time happens, and somebody offers you. And so then it was a cycle. And so all through high school, drugs, alcohol, I cut for a while because of a boy. And I remember actually at 16 years old, I lived, I moved in with a boyfriend in Baxter Springs, Kansas. So my mom was pregnant at 14 and married at 15. So that was her normal, right? And so I got this older boyfriend, he would have been, he would have been out of high school, and I was 16. And I don't even know how it, like looking back now, because I have teenage daughters, I'm like, what in the world? You know? Yeah. And I moved to Baxter Springs and lived with a boyfriend who was much older. He was abusive. Um, I had to wear pajamas to school. I remember he drove me from Baxter to Columbus to go to school, but I had to wear pajamas because he didn't want me to um for boys to hit on me. And so I was in the same cycle that my mom was in.

Amber Sampson 14:10

Wow.

Teenage Chaos Versus School Success

Amanda Perry 14:10

The the what I watched growing up that I said I would never be a part of, I had that was my cycle now. I was in relationships with drug addicts or much older men, and most of them were physically abusive. I graduated high school. I think I only this is I always think about this. I think I only skipped school one day, which is just odd for me. But I love school even from a little kid. Like that was my safe place when I was little. Yeah. And it was easy for me. So I still graduated with A's, like I still did really well in school, even in the midst of drugs and alcohol and living with different boyfriends.

Amber Sampson 14:48

Like none of your teachers were like, hey, something's not right with this girl.

Amanda Perry 14:52

Right. I know that's that's why I'm like, I have to be a teacher because I have to because in my mind, I'm like, it had to be so obvious, right? And so like now when I see it or like in the public school, I would see it and be like, you're not okay, you know? So I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for living those those times because now I'm able to see things that other people can't because I lived it.

Kim McIntire 15:15

It's kind of an example of the Lord doesn't waste. Right. 100%. And that's what the enemy brings against us. Yeah. The Lord doesn't waste it.

Amber Sampson 15:23

Yeah. At any point, is your family like your mom, your dad? There were times.

Parenting With Boundaries And Closing Doors

Amanda Perry 15:31

Right. Sister. Right. So dad, no, because he like we visited him just every other weekend or something. So he and he was drunk. I mean, he was drunk all the time. Um, my mom, so she's still actively in her alcohol addiction all through high school. I mean, I have to say this because um my mom, she truly is amazing. She we had everything we needed. We always had food, we always had the best, we always had the nicest clothes that she could give. We always had good birthday parties. And so she was literally doing the best that she could with us. And there were times when she noticed that I was cutting and she would say, If I see this again, if I see this on your arms again, like you're going to the hospital. And so I remember actually in that at that time after she said that, this is so like I think about it now and it just breaks my heart because I have kids this age. So then I began hitting um myself with hangers in my legs when I would, when I would feel that rejection or would I when I would feel that pain, but I couldn't cut because my mom would notice. And so I remember I would hit myself in lay in my legs with hangers. And I think, how sad. I think I look back at like because I've had kids now in all these ages, and I'm like, they're still so innocent. They're still, yeah, they're still like my youngest daughter's 13. She's in seventh grade. So eighth grade is when I kind of started, and then ninth grade full, you know, and I'm just thinking, when I look at her, you're a baby, you're so innocent. But when you grow up like that, you see things you shouldn't, things happen to you that shouldn't happen to you, it's not, it's not as you know, obvious. You're just in it and you're just living it.

Kim McIntire 17:12

And so Yeah. And I want to just speak to that because, you know, when you're in an environment and you're exposed to the things that you were exposed to as a young child that your children haven't been exposed to, those are just open doors, right? Right. So when the doors are open through seeing alcohol use and abuse and drugs or whatever, like that's just doors open for the enemy that you haven't allowed to open for your kids. Right. So that's what happens. It's just the truth. Yeah. You know, whatever we allow in our homes is what we allow the enemy to access. Right. Or not. Yes. So it's a matter of open doors or closed doors. And so you are breaking the generational cycle by having closed doors that are not open to your children.

Amanda Perry 18:03

Right. In our home, it's very like I have to actually today, um, I love seeing the innocence that that that brings because my daughter came to me because they're with me all day. They see me all day, right? I actually teach my my twins twice a day. I have them in Bible and reading. But my um my youngest daughter came to me and said, Mom, they're reading a murder mystery in in English, and I don't know that I want to because she's very susceptible to this to the supernatural. She just is very, you know, and it'll cause her problems at night. And she's like, Mom, I I don't want to be and so just those little things that any other kid's like, okay, whatever. But she's like, because we've done that, and I know some things they think, well, you're crazier or this, because we um we don't have television in our home. Like, we have a TV, but you can't watch any shows in our house unless it's a DVD that we've approved. Right. Because I was allowed to watch anything and everything when I was little, and I was scared to sleep at night. And there were things that I saw supernaturally as a kid that I know now was the work of the enemy because he was allowed everywhere. And so that's why I think one day they're gonna appreciate it. Yeah. But it's like kids are like, you can't watch TV. No, we don't have Hulu or Disney Plus or satellite or and we haven't had that in probably 16 or 17 years. And so anyway, so just seeing that because of that, that's why they are and sometimes they seem like they're a little bit immature almost with their age group, but then I'm noticing no, it's not immature, it's innocent. It's innocent. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm noticing it because I knew way too much. I should not have known. They haven't had access to those worldly things. And I'm gonna say this, and she'll probably never listen to this, so I can say this.

Kim McIntire 19:43

Yeah.

Amanda Perry 19:44

Um, my 18-year-old daughter is about to graduate high school. She's one of the most beautiful girls that you could see, and she's 18 and has never even held hands with a boy. When I was her age, I was a mom, which we'll get to. That's what we're about to get to. When I was her age, I was a mom, and she's never even held hands or kissed a boy.

Kim McIntire 20:01

Yeah.

Pregnancy At 18 And Attempt To Get Stable

Violent Abuse As A Young Mother

Amanda Perry 20:03

Because, no, you can't go on a date. No, you can't be alone with boys. Like it's hard because it's a battlefield because they fight you. And everybody else has a phone. Guess what? My two 13-year-olds, my 15-year-old boy, he's about to be 15 in February. They don't have cell phones. That's right. Sorry, but it's not because I hate you, it's because I'm trying to protect you from what I know it can do. So um, side note. Yeah. So all through high school, that's what I'm living. Um, lots of alcohol, lots of meth. Um, I remember with my meth journey, well, first I said I'd never do it. And then so I started drinking it actually in a soda cap. Drinking meth in a soda cap. So the first time I had it, the the boyfriend put it in a bottle cap off of a Pepsi. And so even to this day, Pepsi tastes weird to me. And but I said, Okay, well, that's fine. You know, I'm never gonna um smoke it. And then I remember being a 16-year-old girl running, taking my boyfriend's meth and running to the bathroom, locking the door and smoking meth out of a light bulb. Um I I mean I can't make this stuff up. And I said, Well, that's okay, I'll never snort it. Then I began snorting it, and I said I would never, I would never Ivy drug use, and I did not. I did not do that because I'm still terrified of needles. But um, so it was that that was there was cocaine in there. I mean, all through high school, drugs, alcohol, just cra I mean, toxic relationships, abusive relationships, where I would be, my boyfriends would drop me off on the side of the road and throw all my stuff out. And I would have to hide it. I remember one time I got covered in poison, oh, poison Ivy sumac and everything. And I'd call my mom from the middle of the road, like I've just been dropped off in the middle of the road. Like just insane things that I think if my daughter was out in the middle of nowhere, getting dropped off on the side of the road. And so I graduated high school, good grades. I'd actually um Through high school, was on the cheer team, was on the dance team, had jobs, but they always got pushed to the back when it came to a boy. Like that was my number one thing, my number one addiction, quote unquote, if you would say, because I didn't have a father that showed me how valuable I was, you know? And so that was my number one thing. And so everything got pushed to the side for a boy. And so I should have gone to college for dance or for cheerleading because I, I mean, I was good at it. But so I graduate high school and it wasn't, I was 17, so I graduated young because my birthday's in August. And I remember um there was this popular kid that he was back in town. And so I'm graduated, he's older, and I always had a crush on him, but he was the popular kid, and I wasn't because I grew up, you know, pretty poor, and um he came back to town. And when you're out of high school, those things don't matter anymore. And so we hit it off, and within, I mean, a very short time I was pregnant with my first daughter. And so here I am. All the nevers I said to you are getting check marked. And I remember I'm I'm pregnant and I'm 18. I'm still a baby. I'm my daughter's age right now. I look at her and I'm like, I can't even imagine her pregnant. Are you still using drugs? Um, so no. So I found out I was pregnant because I had moved out of my mom's house and went to Galena to do some partying and was actually living in a a trap house, a drug house. And um I was using pretty heavily vodka, I mean, you know, everclear vodka drinking and and drugs. And I remember I hadn't had my period and it'd been two months. And I remember telling it to one of the girls in the house, and she said, Well, it's probably just because all the stuff you're doing, your body. And I was like, Oh, well, I called my oldest daughter's dad and I said, Listen, this is what's going on. He actually came, picked me up, and we did a pregnancy test. I found out I was pregnant. Try to go and and make it work with him, but I just I loved chaos so much. I mean, that's just the truth.

Amber Sampson 24:08

Wow.

Amanda Perry 24:09

Because he was pretty stable and he was a but he was a pretty good guy, but I was just so addicted to chaos. You know what I mean?

Amber Sampson 24:19

Like having like a a normal uh uh person in your life, and that's just that's boring.

Amanda Perry 24:26

Right. 100% that you just said it because I actually um I have to tell this part of the story. When I was from seventh to ninth grade, I dated this guy, and he was boring, quote unquote, because he was nice, he was respectful, he never called me a name, he never put his hands on me, he was sweet, he'd say I'm sorry, and I'd say, Stop saying I would say, stop saying I'm sorry, and he would say, I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry. And so we dated on and off from seventh to ninth grade, and then that ninth grade is when I went wild. You heard me, because I was like, whatever this is, I kind of like it, but it's weird.

Amber Sampson 25:03

Yeah, because all you know is dysfunctional.

Amanda Perry 25:04

All I know is chaos.

Amber Sampson 25:05

And yeah, from I mean, your whole whole life. So anything outside of that is just really awkward and uncomfortable.

The Car Fight And A Resolve To Protect

Considering Abortion And Inner Conflict

Amanda Perry 25:13

100%. And so broke up with him in ninth grade, and so then did all that that I told you. And so um, my oldest daughter's dad, at this time, he had had a rough patch, but at this time he was pretty solid. And I was just like, he had a job at a car, and I, you know, the first one I didn't know. Yeah, I'm like, mm. And so I went right back into the drug world, but I did not use while I was pregnant. Well, I the first little bit like sh my oldest daughter's a brilliant, she was actually valedictorian. Um she should not be okay. That's the grace of God. That is 100% the grace of God because those first two months of gestation, I was heavily using, and those are when everything is forming, you know, and she's brilliant. Thank you, Lord. 100%. She's 24 years old now, she's married, she's uh miracle, working corporate at a big company, and and she preaches the Lord, you know, preaches the gospel. And so, um, so for the rest of that time, I did not, but I was in abusive relationship while I was pregnant, pretty severely abusive. Um so my daughter's born, my first daughter, and I'm still with the the the guy that I was with while I was pregnant that was not her father, who was abusive, very, very severely abusive. He was an IV drug user. And um I remember my oldest daughter would have been six months old, and it was the first time I let her dad come over for a visit, and so we went to my mom's house and he visited her for so my boyfriend at the time dropped me and my daughter off. And so we had a visit with the dad two hours. I went next door to where I lived, and I just happened to look out the window, and I remember seeing parking lights or running lights. I don't know those lights. It's not headlights, but the lights on the side. I just guess he chills even now because we lived on a dirt road, and I remember seeing this car creeping up the dirt road, and I remember thinking, oh no. And it was my boyfriend at the time who had waited down the road for two hours. And he comes in. I have put my oldest daughter into bed to go to go to sleep, and he's trying to bust down the door and screaming and yelling. And I remember I eventually let him in, and I mean, he he beat me up pretty bad, choked me till I passed out. And I remember waking up and he eventually, like he left, and my little girl's screaming in the in the in her crib. And you think, well, you then you obviously learned your lesson, and and it took a few more times of that the last time we were driving in a car, and so my oldest daughter was one at this time, so six months at that time, where I mean, he almost killed me and he could have. Um and we're driving down the road and he's mad at something, and my daughter's in the backseat drinking her bottle, and I don't remember what he's mad at, but he's screaming and he's grabbing my hair and he's slamming my head on the window and he's hitting me. And I remember I'm rolling my window down and I'm screaming because he's speeding down the road and I'm just screaming for help. And I remember looking back at my daughter who's in the backseat, sucking on her bottle, not even blinking, not just looking around. And I remember thinking, no way, this is not gonna be normal to her. No matter what. So still, I'm not mind you, I don't know the Lord. Um, I do have to say, at this time, yeah, it would have been at around this time that my mother had surrendered her life to the Lord. Oh my goodness. And so I gotta see a uh I gotta see a woman who was an alcoholic for 20, 19, 20 years of my life, sober. And at this time she was talking to me a little bit about Jesus and she was going to church. But I still don't know, right? Because I'm living in chaos. And so, but I do remember, I mean, even thinking back now, like her prayers. I always say my mama prayed me to Jesus, but looking back at this little girl who didn't think anything was wrong, and I thought, no. And I said, let me out of the car. And he dropped me and my little baby in her car seat off on the side of the road. I don't even remember how we got home. You've been dropped off on side anxiety. I know sad many times. People wonder, like, why you got why you got separation anxiety? Well, listen to my story. I've been dropped off on the side of the road. I've never heard that so many times. Wow. Yeah. Wow. And so I just remember thinking, she's not this is not going to be normal to her.

Amber Sampson 29:40

Yeah.

Clinic Experience And Lasting Trauma

The Burn Barrel Fire And Conviction

Amanda Perry 29:41

Because it was so normal to me. And when I saw her, I'm like, this baby should be scared right now. This should be terrifying. And so that is what ended that relationship. Did you say that was a turning point? For, well, I would like to say that was a turning point. Um because you're like uh 19? I'm nine uh 1920, and probably 20 at this time. Um but it doesn't end there because um I start dating another man who, uh drug addict, known drug addict. And I am not using at this time, maybe a little bit occasionally meth or something. I mean, and that's just like if my friends or whatever, but like not really, because now I have a job, I have a house, because I'm I am trying to take care of my uh my daughter. Um I do remember becoming the never another never. I would my mom, um, when I was little, she would drop my sister and I off at babysitters all the time so she could, you know, go party. And and I remember one time she dropped us off at this babysitter and she said she'd be back, and we waited there three days, three days before she came back. And so, as in this transition time from I got rid of that boyfriend to before the next boyfriend when I was partying, I had a Nana, she wasn't blood related, but we called her Nana, and I would leave my I'd leave my oldest daughter at her house, and I'd say, Hey, I'll be right back. And I wouldn't be back for days. And I was like, Y you're doing the same thing that you hated that your mom did to you. And so um, shortly after that, I got involved with the the next boyfriend, and but I like I did have a house, I had a good job, I had a car, he didn't. They didn't usually, I don't know. But um, you know, because I'm thinking I gotta take care of somebody, I guess. And um I he is not abusive, he is other than drugs, like he's a really he's a pretty good guy, which is still kind of weird because he doesn't want to fight with me because I want to fight. That's what I do. Yeah, yeah. And um I got pregnant shortly after, and so this would have been my oldest daughter would have been one or a little older than one. So all this is still happening around the same time. And I remember thinking, What am I doing? I can't even take care of the the first daughter, the first kid I have. What am I doing? And I remember thinking or or looking it up about having an abortion. And so that was another never. Like, no, I'm never, I'm never gonna do that. And I remember I was in such deep fear of ruining another kid's life. And so I made an appointment in Wichita, and within days of me supposing to get um supposed to go, I actually had an infection and I couldn't go. And so looking back now, I know it was God. Yeah. Um and I I wish I would have known it then, but I just rescheduled the appointment, and I had a man that I trusted drive me to Wichita. And I remember saying, if there are people picketing outside the clinic, clinic, I won't go in. Like I can't. I just can't do that. There was nobody outside there, and so me and him, we pull up and and we go in to this uh clinic, and the nicest people that you'd ever even imagine, of course, working there. And I remember I was sitting and talking to a nurse, and she said, Do you have other kids? And then that was the first time because before I was blinded by and people and you hear it, and and I've I've spoken so much uh on the topic of abortion because it's just not talked about in church. And I remember uh it some of it was selfish, but so much of it was I can't bring another baby into this chaos. And so not everyone, not every woman is selfish and just wants to end a life because what so they can go back out and like I remember like I can't bring another baby into this. And I sit there on that, that, that bed, and this nice lady was asking me questions and said, Do you have other kids? And that was the first time that it was like, I can't do this. I was like, What am I doing? I thought of my little girl and and how precious she was. And I remember the first time I'd held her, I had no idea what love was because I did not grow up with it, but I held this baby and I'm like, This is love, and I love you. And your dad can't even like I remember like your dad doesn't even need to see you. Like, I want wanted just to keep this baby safe, you know? And um, we we did some, they did tests and blood work, and of course, an ultrasound, which they do 100%, they turn the screen away from you so you can't see it. And I I because I've done so much speaking on it, like 100% an ultrasound when they talk about it at pregnancy crisis centers that they save lives. Cause if if you would see a baby, like 100%. And so they they turned the screen away and they actually came back and and God stepping in again said, sorry, you're farther along than you we thought you were, and so we're gonna need more money. And I was relieved. I'm like, Well, I don't have that money. And then the man that drove me stood up and said, Hey, I got 200 bucks. I'm like, What? And so he pays, and I remember I'll never forget this. It takes me to the scripture, um, a pleaser of man and not a pleaser of God. Even though I didn't know God then, I had the conviction of this isn't right. But I was afraid I'd make him mad because he drove me all this way. And and so I went through with it. And um, I remember I I woke up in the middle, and I can tell you all the sounds and all the feelings, but I'll save you those details. And afterwards I woke up sicker than I'd ever been, and they kick you out the back door. You don't go through the front, they just kick you out. And I remember I threw up all the way home. I got home, I was living with my mom at this time. So I have my daughter, um, who is, you know, between one and two, and I get back to my mom's house, and I remember thinking, no one will ever find out about this. No one can ever find out about this. And so as weeks go by, I think, okay, because I told the father that I'd lost the baby and I had to get a DNC. I thought I was real slick, you know. I thought I knew what I was talking about. I just had to go to the hospital. No, you don't need to go with me. I have to get a DNC. And so lied to everyone. And I remember I went to check the mail one day, and here's this big old packet. And in this packet is all about my procedure. So it's like, I thought I was doing good, where it's a couple weeks out, a few weeks out, nobody knows. And here's this packet of this reminder. And once again, I said, nobody will ever know about this. And so I went back to my mom's backyard to her burn barrel, and I put it in the burn barrel, and I caught on fire. And I went back inside and I said, Okay, nobody's ever gonna know about this. I sat down within a little bit. I cannot make this up. Lights start flickering in my mom's house, and I'm like, what is happening? And I go look out my back door, and my mom's entire barn is on fire. My grandpa's barn, who's connected, is completely on fire. And the flames are within a couple hundred feet of coming to our house. And I, like I said, I didn't know a lot about God, but remember I had those seeds planted, and no, not knowing then it's Holy Spirit, but knowing now, not in a condemning way, but I heard now I know Holy Spirit say, You can hide it from everyone, but you can't hide this from me. And so here I am, a 20-year-old girl, like, and I know that that's what I hear in my, you know, inside. And so I have to call 911, they put out the fire anyway, so I still don't tell anyone. And um within six, so I stay with that guy, and within six months I'm pregnant again. Atonement baby. I didn't know it then, but I read about it later when I was doing, you know, research when I would speak at pregnancy centers. And so I got pregnant with my second child. They call an atonement baby. You try to fix what you did the first time, you try to atone for it. And so I'm pregnant, and I have my second kid, he's a boy. And so now I'm 21-ish, and I've got two kids by two different dads. My memory of that never. Two kids by two different dads, trying to make it work with the father of my son. And I'm bored because he doesn't want to fight, you know. And I have a friend that's running around partying still, and so she said, Hey, I met this this guy, and he's got a brother, and you should meet him. So this wasn't they were in Oklahoma. So I did. I just left my family and I went to meet this guy who was actually married at the time with a a few kids and um red flags. You don't see red flags when you grow up covered in red flags.

Amber Sampson 38:45

Oh, and when you're that deep in sin. You d yeah.

Amanda Perry 38:48

You're like, okay, Reagan off. You're you're actually blinded.

Kim McIntire 38:51

Yeah.

An Atonement Baby And Restless Heart

Amanda Perry 38:52

100%. You don't know it. And people don't understand. That's why like I love the ministry I do so I love it. I love the homeless ministry and the the drug rehab ministry because I get it. Where when some people see people completely lost what I'm like, you don't know. Right. That they just don't know. That's right.

Kim McIntire 39:07

That's right. Yeah. That's right. And so I feel like this is just a good place to pause. Um Amanda's story, there's so much more to the story. And we are just going to encourage you to stay tuned for part two of this testimony that's really full of hope. Right. I was gonna say we haven't got to the good part.

Amanda Perry 39:28

It's full of hope. Right. But here's what I always say to people, because I've heard people like, why do you always talk about everything bad did? You should talk about what God what God did and the good. And then I remember just all the stories in the Bible where it's like this this kid had struggled with what he struggled with for since birth. Yeah. He'd thrown himself into the fire and now he's cured. Or the man who was paralyzed for 30-something years. Yeah. Like, yeah, there's there's so much good, but I want you to see just how far God's arm had to reach to get me out into the pit.

Kim McIntire 39:59

He redeemed your life from the pit and grounded you with love and compassion.

Amanda Perry 40:03

It's there is a good part.

Kim McIntire 40:04

So there is so stick around. So stick around. It's a cliffhanger. So we thank you for listening and taking your time to be part of the podcast today. We'd love to hear your feedback, so please rate us or leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We pray God's grace and peace be with you all in Jesus' name.