One Thousand Gurus Podcast

#20: Random Show with Julie Huynh - KPOP Idol Worship, Dating Culture, and the Secrets of Attraction

• J.R. Yonocruz • Season 2 • Episode 10

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This episode features a fun and relaxed conversation between our host J.R. and his friend Julie, diving deep into topics like dance, idol culture, dating complexities, and personal growth. Their candid discussions are enriched by humor and warmth, emphasizing the importance of connection and self-awareness while navigating life’s various relationships.

• Insights on personal dance inspirations
• The impact of idol culture on self-worth
• Navigating the complexities of modern dating
• The importance of friendship and connection
• Exploring food preferences and quirky culinary habits
• Reflections on growth, kindness, and learning from experiences

Guest bio:
Julie has known J.R. since 2012, when they were teammates on KKAP (Konnect Kpop Aspiring Performers), UCI's k-pop dance team. Through their love of dance, Julie and J.R. have worked together on several gigs over the years. In present day, Julie is full-time designer—UX and product by day, graphic and web by night. She previously taught beginner dance classes for kids and adults based out of Fountain Valley and Garden Grove. In her free time, she likes to volunteer, work on creative projects, bake, and obviously, talk to J.R.

Socials:
Design IG: @designedby.julie
Design website: https://www.jbhuynh.com/
Dance IG: @jujubeatsz
Cake IG: @cakehuynhner

Links/resources:

One Thousand Gurus Podcast:
Everyone has a compelling story to tell with insights we can all be inspired by. J.R. Yonocruz is a self-improvement blogger, relationship coach, and serial hobbyist with a passion for learning. He interviews unique guests from various fields to distill the strategies, habits, and mindsets we can use in our own lives. Each “guru” has a chance to give the audience a peek into a new world.

www.onethousandgurus.com
Instagram: @OneThousandGurus
TikTok: @onethousandgurus
YouTube: One Thousand Gurus Podcast
Email: onethousandgurus@gmail.com

J.R.:

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of 1000 Gurus with me, your host, jr Yona Cruz. So today's episode is a special, random show with my good friend, julie Huynh. Julie has known JR since 2012, hey, that's me when they were teammates on COP Connect K-Pop Aspiring Performers, uci's K-Pop dance team. Through their love of dance, julie and JR have worked together on several gigs over the years. In present day, julie is a full-time designer, ux and product by day, graphic and web by night. She previously taught beginner dance classes for kids and adults out of Fountain Valley and Garden Grove. In her free time she likes to volunteer, work on creative projects, bake and, obviously, talk to JR.

J.R.:

So I've been waiting all season or rather the last two seasons since I started this podcast to do this special episode.

J.R.:

While I always wanted the focus of the show to be on learning from other people and hearing their stories, I knew I eventually wanted to break up the routine once in a while to do a fun, casual show format with a good friend.

J.R.:

Julie was clearly at the top of the list because over the years, we've had so many long, intellectually deep chats that could last up to 7 or 8 hours sometimes. Needless to say our legendary conversations were part of the inspiration I had for this show. We also decided to make it a bit more fun by drinking some eggnog liquor and just alternate between the two of us bringing up random topics and discussing it as we talk about our kpop and idol culture, our dance inspirations, unique foods, how we've changed over the last 10 years, navigating, dating and the science of attraction. Please excuse me in advance as I really go off on a lot of tangents and rants from my own perspective and experience, but hopefully nobody gets too offended by my hot takes. I don't mean it personally and hopefully after these 20 episodes my audience can listen with an open mind and really try to understand the points that I'm making without too much judgment.

J.R.:

You know, it's not too serious, these are just kind of my own hot takes. So, without further ado, hope you guys really enjoy this episode, this random show, episode number 20 with my good friend Julie Huynh. All right, hello and welcome back to 1000 Gurus. So today's a special episode, but joining me is my good friend Julie Huynh. Yay, applause.

J.R.:

Thank you guys for the studio audience reaction. So today is we're recording episode number 20. So episode 10 of season two, episode 20, whatnot, and it's going to be a random show. So instead of our typical like interview format where I have bring on a guest, I have a close friend of mine who we have legendary, very long conversations about various things, so I figured this would be a good opportunity to invite someone who I enjoy having long conversations with and we can just talk about whatever topics that we want. And we also have some special eggnog liquor liqueur from for the those listening you can't see it, but it's from trader joe's like a white milky creamy sort of liquid but it's alcoholic.

J.R.:

What is it like? 14.75 alcohol that's so much higher. Well, yeah, that's where I have shock, shock up. So, yeah, if you can't see it, if you're not video, we'll be drinking this. And yeah, let me just go into how I know julie, as usual, really quick. So julie and I go way back. We were co-chords for cop in 2010, 2011, ish, yes, yeah, 2010, 2011 at uci.

J.R.:

You were one of the small handful of people that I we talk a lot hours at a time. We're both into k-pop, obviously, and dance. We catch up like, at least once a year, sometimes even more than that. I really appreciate your introspective nature and how thoughtful and intellectually curious you are, and you're also ambitious, passionate, goal-oriented, all that other stuff and very open-minded, which I think is why it's always nice to have conversations with you, because I don't want to say we think similarly, but I think we're both open-minded to like, hear about our different perspectives and we talk about everything from, like, dance, movies, careers, relationships, goals, society, politics, everything, right, anything you want to add to that no yeah, just that.

J.R.:

Okay, I would say so before we get into our first topic. Let us take a little drink of this, because I'm kind of excited to try it.

Julie:

Yeah you ready, cheers, cheers to to your 20th episode.

J.R.:

Yes, 20th episode. Thank you, are you?

Julie:

dying.

J.R.:

The whole thing, I'm just sipping it, unless you want to shoot back.

Julie:

14 is quite nice.

J.R.:

Yeah, right, it's really good wow it's like milky, like an eggnog, but like sweet, sweet you know, as alcohol does, burns your throat.

Julie:

But I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm 14, it doesn't you know it's funny.

J.R.:

I'm like. I always say that I'm lightweight, but I've been drinking a lot recently because, like of parties no so parties, but I also drink a lot less.

J.R.:

But we'll go to amc, right, and there's like the specialty drinks that they have, and you know I'm a sucker for novelty stuff. So, for example, they had wicked drinks, so one like elphaba one, one glinda, one gladiator has his own drink. And then there's these special winter ones, like this rum, yum yum rum, and it's just like rum coke whiskey with marshmallows on top and I'm like, well, I want to try it. And so now I've been like spending money on like overpriced amc drinks whoa and not because I like alcohol, but I just want to try that's really cool.

Julie:

I didn't know that was your weakness that was my weakness it's novelty things.

J.R.:

If you give me a promo or novelty stuff like I'm all over it.

Julie:

Okay, that makes sense, the promo I understand.

J.R.:

So alright, do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?

Julie:

did I explain the topics or not?

J.R.:

topics, but the format so okay, so what we're going to do is we're going to go back and forth. So we'll start with one of us and I'll bring out a topic and we'll just kind of go back and forth and our thoughts on that kind of you know what normal like friend podcasts are like. So we'll start with one of us and then after we finish that, we'll go throw it over the fence and someone else will ask a question and they like vary a lot, so we kind of have a brainstormed list okay, cool, you got one.

Julie:

Yeah, well, since we met through dance, let's start off with a dance related question. I'm curious nowadays, since your dance career has been so long in present day, who or what are your dance inspirations?

J.R.:

who or what are my dance inspirations?

Julie:

yeah, it doesn't have to be a person, it could be a concept oh, I see what's inspiring you these days? What's inspiring?

J.R.:

me. You know what's funny is I don't even. I want to say. I want to confidently say I don't, I'm not inspired by dance nice, oh cross, yeah, multiple, whatever.

Julie:

Anyway you go ahead yeah no, because.

J.R.:

So I dance regularly on a team, but my purpose isn't for dance, it's for the like, the friendship, the connection, the experience of being with people and collaborative like. In a collaborative environment and as a leader on the team, I'm focused on helping create a good experience for them. So it's kind of the reason why I'm there is devoid of my own dance sort of inspiration, which is I don't want to say it's sad, but it's. I don't dance for me necessarily. Yeah, there are routines. I'm like, oh, that's a cool routine, a fun group, I like their choreography, but I'm not inspired. That I love. This is why I'm here.

J.R.:

I'm here for my team, yeah, but that's why one of the things I wanted to get back into is freestyle dance, because a lot of my dance inspirations are freestylers and I haven't done freestyle dance in a long time. But that's what energizes me, lights me up. If I like had, if I joined like a popping team or something like that and I like we sessioned every week, that's when I'd be like creatively inspired. But going back to that, I'm inspired by people like Mike Song when I was in high school, you know Jabawki's, kinja's or Cabo Modern, obviously, like I had Arnel on last night, or the episode that's coming out right after this episode, and so I talk about he's my dance inspiration's dance inspiration. Yeah, so I talk about.

J.R.:

He's my dance inspiration's. Dance inspiration, yeah, but since then not really a lot of dance things inspire me. But that's just where it's at and I'm fine with that.

Julie:

I like that. That's a different spin, an unexpected question or unexpected answer to that type of question.

J.R.:

Right, how about you Do? You have any dance inspirations or what inspires you?

Julie:

Not lately, just because I haven't been in that space for a really long time. You know, back then I used to watch a lot of videos and respect certain people. Things like that try to emulate whatever it is they're giving off, but these days I haven't had a lot of bandwidth to explore that. I really also don't have an answer just basically.

J.R.:

Your question is like all right, what is your dance inspiration? We, none of. Neither of us have any inspiration.

Julie:

We are uninspired dancers, but maybe it'll come up in 30 minutes or something oh yeah right now nothing top of mind, yeah I mean I like back in the day.

J.R.:

So, aside from my song bionic, man john bionic.

J.R.:

He's from the bay area, he's a popper, he's filipino, he like was like a world champion in popping or freestyle dance, like years ago when he was like 18 or some something crazy like that, right, yeah, he's still active and he's like a judge and he's like not an og necessarily, but he's like right after that, yeah, but anyways, he was always one of my biggest inspirations because his style is very like foundational, but also like he still is very dynamic and you know, you know he does like martial arts too and he's toured with Michael Jackson maybe Cirque du Soleil, it was one of those sort of performance things where they went around the world. Anyways, he's very amazing. He's one of my. If I were to put it at the top of my list of my dance inspirations since high school, it'd be Bionic man. John Viney. He's still around too, but on too.

Julie:

But I don't really follow him much, but him and mike song are like the top one and two I would say yeah, okay, true, I remember there was a, I'd say a litany of people that I definitely respected, back then too I don't think I need to drop names right now, but I know in terms of just umbrella, I always was very attracted to dancer types that were very athletic in the way that they perform, and I think they were.

Julie:

They probably work out and condition a lot in order to be able to show that in their dancing, so that's definitely the level. I would aspire to be, but you know it probably is a lot of hard work constant conditioning outside of dancing too, but you know, I always love Lyle Boniga.

J.R.:

Always, always, always. That was good. Where you at, where you at Right he was in there.

Julie:

But there was also another San.

J.R.:

Bristel and La Albaniga. I think Okay, but Teong yeah, yeah, yeah, right, yeah, some two.

Julie:

There's so many I know I'm not even going to try to guess. You're like they're it's out there, but you mentioned earlier about interest in joining a popping team. Any reason why it hasn't happened yet is there like a blocker? That's a great question.

J.R.:

I think it's more just not prioritized. It's been on my, if you look at my generally, if you're looking at I have these yearly summaries I do right year in review of my 20 of the whole year.

J.R.:

It's been on my goal list to freestyle more for the last three, four years but, I think I've just been so bogged down with my other priorities dance wise and then I'm trying to do, you know, start this podcast and my relationship coaching and everything else my actual relationship content creating. So I think it's just been so low on the list that is just adding a new thing to my routine and I don't want to not have that slack in my life. So that's just the excuse I'm giving myself. I think I also. There's not, it's not, there's not one easily available.

J.R.:

I have to go look for one oh yeah, and so I'm like the activation energy of trying to look for a group that's doing that. I'm sure they're out there yeah but, and then dedicating that time and a new space and developing, cultivating that relationship or that network, I'm like, uh, I got stuff to do anyways, I don't need to jump on it now okay, so yeah, so yeah.

Julie:

Do you think it's going to happen eventually? I?

J.R.:

think if I for sure, once I leave choreos and I'm done with that and I now have a big gap in my dancing, then I can like all right. Well, what do I fill this with? Obviously, not more K-pop. I don't need to do that, so probably freestyle dance.

Julie:

Okay, that's cool. Wow, the that may happen.

J.R.:

Yeah, exactly a year and a half from now is when my lease on choreos is done, wow. Yeah, there's a time, a fine affinity yeah it is Because I'm trying to set the record for being on the team the longest. Right now, the record is 6.8 years and I'm at a solid six years as of this month, oh wow, so I got one more full era to do. Okay, but I'll be ending at seven and a half.

Julie:

I'm curious if anyone is going to try to beat you in the future. You know, if anyone tries to beat me.

J.R.:

They're crazy Because who would stay on a dance team for more than seven years Like the three of us that have done it? There are three people who have stayed on choreos longer than I have and they're just like super outliers.

Julie:

And so I don't think anyone's crazy as us, for to do that sounds like an invitation to a challenge.

J.R.:

You know, if you can do that and you can contribute to the team, then all good, because it takes a lot out of you to stay on a college team, especially at our age. Oh yeah, it's really hard that is yeah definitely twice.

Julie:

It's like going to college twice. Exactly for your call.

J.R.:

Yes, yeah so I always tell people like I'm about to get my phd in choreos because that's good, almost eight years yeah, that's really actually pretty amusing to think about.

Julie:

Yeah, it has its own challenges and pitfalls.

J.R.:

Yeah, do you want a topic on my end? Yeah, okay, let's see, let me ask you a question in terms of we can talk about either k-pop or relationships, or people or career oh, let's start easy, that's well. I don't know if it's gonna be, I'm just assuming let's do k-pop you're gonna hit the hot button here, okay, so this one, it's not actually easy. This is called idol culture, k-pop, putting wrong values, onestal this is a very hot take, okay, being on a K-Pop team and surrounded by people who love K-Pop.

Julie:

Oh no.

J.R.:

I okay, I don't know how to introduce this topic or this question, but one thing that bothers me a lot about people who like K-Pop and speaking from someone who likes K-Pop is they put this sort of idol like the, the idol culture.

J.R.:

They put them on a pedestal and it's they will sell their soul and I'm gonna like to go to these concerts and they're like, oh my god, this person's so amazing and they're such good dancers and it's like they're famous. So it's idol culture, like with celebrities too, right, but it's just specifically k-pop idols and what bothers me is like people will go crazy over these human beings, but I'm like they're normal, they're just their job is part of it is being famous and they aren't actually more talented than other people. There are singers that are 10 times more talented. Dancers are 10 times more talented. They're just happens. They just happen to be famous because now they're in a company that promoted them and all this people who write their songs and produce their music. They're just a part of this machine and not downplaying their hard work, obviously, and they probably have natural genetic talent, whatever.

J.R.:

But what bothers me is that people are like they'll do anything to see these people and I'm like you can appreciate the art but not put the artist on the pedestal yeah because we're, they're just humans, and so I have a controversial take because I'm like I could care less if someone walks down the street and they're like an idol from, let's say, bts. Whatever right I'll be. I'll be like, oh, what's up? J-hope, you know how are you, you know whatever, but they'll cry, scream, break down and on the other side, I get that maybe their artistry has impacted you, so you're emotionally, but I'm like they're a regular human.

J.R.:

And when you see like celebrities in the street or movie stars, they're still a human being. So so for me, I have this weird. We're like, wow, you could just treat someone normally like that. Yeah, because they're human. So it bothers me that we're putting the wrong values on a pedestal because it's this is just their job. Their job is to be famous and to do good work. But they're not better than anyone. They're not better than you. They just train harder, and the reason why they're good at dancing is because that's literally their job. If you put eight hours a day into dancing and singing and looking good and learning how to interview and pr, then of course you'd be that good, but you're not because it's not your job. Yeah, anyways, that was my. If you have any thoughts on that, you can completely disagree with me oh no, I'm not saying I'm right, that's just my perspective okay, okay, but the question is just my hot take on it.

J.R.:

Yeah, I would say that because the hot button for me is more like I don't think, people, we should be putting idols on a pedestal. I think we should just appreciate their artistry and their hard work and maybe aspire to work hard like them, but not treat them like they're gods.

Julie:

Yeah.

J.R.:

But I don't know if you had thoughts on that.

Julie:

Well, I I do agree with what you are saying. I think it's difficult to achieve for a lot of people, though, but going backwards a little bit, I think it's in the name itself, though. They're called idols, so it is meant to be that way.

J.R.:

You're saying it's by design? Yeah, absolutely.

Julie:

They're meant to be worshipped as like these yeah, yeah, like just their persona, everything that they have to represent. It's definitely manufactured so that you do worship them.

J.R.:

So they are doing their jobs, okay, so so now the impetus isn't on them for doing the wrong thing, it's for the people who worship them. Yes, right, do you not have? Okay, again, this is all accusatory is like why do you worship and worry about these people's lives and what they're doing on these variety shows and all their little like things, when you have your own life and are you like doing something that is improving your life or the people around you, or something that actually gives you value or like contributes to the earth, rather than focusing on watching everything this idol puts out and is like that, really healthy for you? So that's the more downstream thought process for me, is it is not healthy to worship idols because you have so much other things you could be focusing on, and maybe I'm not trying to be on my high horse and everything like that. Right, like I'm trying, not, but it just bothers me that.

J.R.:

It's like you see that.

J.R.:

But then you see some of my friends and oh my god, you're so slay and you're amazing, because they're trying to emulate this sort of aesthetic yeah, thing that shouldn't be put on a pedestal is like oh my god, you're just so pretty and that's another sort of thing, but it's like you're only really getting this attention because of something that's like a superficial thing and you can go deeper into that which is, like sure, superficial parts of this, of our nature is.

J.R.:

You know, we want to be around attractive people, whatever. But I'm saying like, if you're putting aesthetics on a pedestal and that's your primary value or one of your top values, like how does that make you feel as a person when you're not good enough, when you're not pretty enough, because all these idols are manufactured gorgeous but you are not? And then we're also hyping up our friends because they just look good but not because they're good people or they're hardworking or they have good values or they have morals but because they are aesthetic, because we're putting the idols on a pedestal and therefore we put our friends, who are good-looking, on a pedestal.

J.R.:

Do you know what I'm trying to say? I feel like it's a negative cycle of things we shouldn't be doing.

Julie:

The part about connecting to our friends and prioritizing that aesthetic is a new avenue, so maybe we can talk about it some more. But the part that you initially brought up about what was it? The infatuation. That's why I think psychologically that is really difficult. That's why I said I think it's difficult to extricate yourself from that, because it's so addictive when you see beauty in motion and you're like, wow, they're capable of looking like this, moving like this, and before you know it you're just seven days in and you watched all of their shows. And I think, sometimes not saying that people who do this have a void to fill but I think it's very addictive because it's just so satisfying.

J.R.:

You know like all the dopamine is going endorphins.

Julie:

All of that is happening. You're just like wow, that was great to hear. They seem like such a good person For me. Me, I remember when I was in college maybe late high school I was also addicted as well to 2 pm by the way, but coming off of, julie had a birthday recently and it was 2 pm themed yes and I'm like listening with that lens of look 2 pm is great, though I'm like I don't disagree, yeah, I

Julie:

like 2 pm too yeah, and the thing is so I'm trying to pull from my experience back then is why was I so addicted, you know, and I? And it wasn't because I thought they were just so hot, I just couldn't bear to live without seeing them, or something I think it was. You know, with entertainment they do a good job at engaging with you. So, you know, I think all the normal factors are there. But now, as an older adult looking back, I think it's because of the not being aware of the separation, because now I'm able to step away from it and not feel anything, because I recognize that that's just a persona. Back then I never even thought about that.

Julie:

These people have their own personalities outside of it. It's the same with actors and celebrities. So nowadays, when I really enjoy something that an actor, actress, puts out, um, it's really hard nowadays too, because people are getting canceled all over the place because of things they do in their private life and and I'm like, well, does that mean I have to stop listening to their music because now their real life has mixed in with their acting?

J.R.:

like the persona they put out there.

Julie:

Yeah, so nowadays, when I think back on you know my addiction to k-pop idols back then I realize I'm like, yeah, I mean, that was just acting in a way like they, they have to act that way. And so now I think, the moment you just are self, you become aware that this is not who they really are, that they make mistakes, they actually date people um, they're human and they say awful things, possibly, you know, have pimples, all that.

Julie:

I think that's when, that's when the facade completely breaks and you're like, oh, okay, I'm sober now yeah, but when you're just riding that high, it's really fun, and I think that makes it really hard. When you have a fan base and you have people to hype yourself I mean yourself up and you're like, yeah, isn't, you know, junho so amazing, you know. So I think all that is driving that addiction too, so it's hard. I've seen korean variety shows where they would talk about their loved one being so addicted to it that they would not neglect their children they'd be like spending their savings to go see k-pop stars and stuff.

Julie:

So in those cases maybe there is a void that like they're unhappy. Maybe, I don't know, there's something psychological there, but um, but I do know. I think, because k-pop is designed to bring so much joy to people that it could be really hard to extricate yourself from that right.

J.R.:

So you're saying like, okay, it's as a, as an environment, as a system.

Julie:

It is hard to escape from yeah, because you're supposed to be obsessed yeah like it's designed, it's engineered to make you obsessed. And then money right yes, exactly, they want to make money off of you, so yeah, but I think as people get older, they're supposed to be able to recognize that.

J.R.:

Hopefully, yeah, I mean I would say, if that was, if there were only young k-pop goer, like concert goers, and all these people who, like, would you know, blow up an orphanage to see their favorite idol, right, like that sort of like level of like dedication. I'm like you know, they're normal people, right, appreciate their artistry, of course, but they are not the best at what they do and what you see could be manufactured, like you said. So I think I guess I guess my well, my point is is there are better places to spend your energy and effort that will not only like degrade I don't know your self-worth by putting the wrong values on a pedestal, but also you have a lot of. Life is long but it's also short.

J.R.:

So like you, could be spending your time doing something that actually makes you happy, makes you fulfilled. Building relationships, things that actually makes you happy, makes you fulfilled. Yeah, building relationships, things that actually give you fulfillment and not you just see an idol and put that that facade on a pedestal, is what I'm saying yeah there's better things you could be doing, but again, again, I know that's a personal perspective and less glamorous, that's for sure well, of course, yes, less glamorous, I'm just saying, with the epidemic of depression and suicides and not feeling worthy enough correct

J.R.:

I'm saying, like, the entertainment and the capitalism that puts those things on a pedestal, that make you feed into it so that they can take your money, is part of the problem. But also if you can realize and see that, because I found, like, even with social media, like, the longer I'm on social media, the more I see the values being put on a pedestal. Instagram is really clear with what they're putting on a pedestal is aesthetics, it's just looks and that will destroy most of society's conception of their self-worth.

Julie:

Yeah, and that, I think, answers your question about friends who value, like you look great, blah, blah blah. And I think it really comes from our cultural shift with the social media and everything. I mean, yeah, back then there was like books and magazines specifically, but now it's just rapid, super exponential. So you know, I have faith that will. There's some awareness combating it. But I mean, I don't know, as long as information is traveling the way it is, I think it's always going to be like a fight back and forth. Yeah, um, and then for me, my solution nowadays is just to distance myself from it because, if, if I just get lost it, then I think you're allowing it to warp yourself.

Julie:

Just can't help it. It's just the way the people are moving yeah, no, I agree.

J.R.:

That's why one of my I've said this before, but my princess dream and a princess dream is like, if you could, you know, like magic lamp, like genie sort of thing, yeah, is to be a monk and disconnect from all social media yeah oh, I would love that much Not have to worry about seeing what other people are up to and putting stuff on a pedestal and trying to show off my life and to get likes or views.

J.R.:

If I could just disconnect and just focus on my own inner peace and just like serving others, that would be so nice, but not right now.

Julie:

But I think that's the core of it. Right Is being able to disconnect and self-reflect, and I think I've definitely heard mentors tell me that society does not allow us to do that.

J.R.:

So it's just getting caught up.

Julie:

Yeah, definitely Do you have another topic. Do you have any other?

J.R.:

thoughts on that. You haven't yet Any other thoughts on this. Do you have another?

Julie:

topic. I did, but I forgot it.

J.R.:

Let's see, let's see, let's see, don't mind me while I sip on this eggnog. It's pretty good, I'm not sure. Okay.

Julie:

Here's a random one. What's something that you love to eat?

J.R.:

that people make fun of you, for that's a good one. Do you have an answer? Yeah, beets the.

Julie:

EET right. Yeah, let's see. Yes, I love beets and I think goat cheese is not a very popular.

J.R.:

Oh, the greatest of all time cheese.

Julie:

Thing too, but the combo of that with beets is pretty good.

J.R.:

I will put that on my list to try, actually yeah.

Julie:

In a salad. It's usually how it goes together. It's because Mendocino Farms has anything used to call it save. Is it Save Drake Farm Salad? Yeah, but they don't call it that anymore. But there's beets and then there's goat cheese like a whole like thing in there, so I think it grosses out most people when, I tell them about it, but it's the best and I like. There's this Vietnamese beet soup as well. It has like pork, ribs, carrots, potatoes and the rest is beet, so the whole soup is just bright red.

J.R.:

Okay, I was about to ask what's the color oh yeah, it's like dark, dark, dark, bright red.

Julie:

I'm not against beets.

J.R.:

I just never had a reason to really get into it. I'll. If it's a salad I'm like I'll eat it oh okay, yeah, but nothing. But so is that it just beats. Yeah, I don't think I have anything that people would make fun of me for. I generally like most things, but I might like some things more than other people do, for example maybe let's say pumpkin pie. I don't think everyone does you like pumpkin?

Julie:

pie. I love pumpkin pie. Let's talk about that.

J.R.:

I mean. But I don't think that's crazy, because I also know other people who also like pumpkin pie and some people don't, and that's totally fine, okay, um, but so well, something that blessy she's in the other studio, but something that she likes that I make fun of her is coffee over rice. That's like a filipino thing, in certain areas or certain cultures. So I think half of my family does that, but like blessy does that, and then sometimes we make fun of her. I'm like coffee coffee on rice.

Julie:

But it's a real thing. What is it what? How does it work?

J.R.:

it's like hot coffee, right and then just plain white rice and you just pour the coffee on rice. But it's a real thing. What is it? What? How does it work? It's like hot coffee, right, and then just plain white rice and you just pour the coffee on the right, you eat it.

Julie:

Whoa, yeah, that's it. How did it like? How did it first come to?

J.R.:

I don't I don't know, it's just crazy people, just thought of it. Crazy people aka filipinos no but like when we got on tiktok, people were like, oh yeah, I do this to be like ew, that's gross. So there actually are a lot of people that that eat it. Oh, same thing. But look, you know, like fermented like duck egg.

J.R.:

My family eats it. I always thought it was normal and then. But I went to college and half the people who knows I know don't eat really. So maybe that is one thing and I just thought it was normal. And, to be fair, I don't really eat the fetus thing neither just the yolk right there, the yellow part, whatever, and then with salt, and then the juice.

Julie:

You just kind of slurp it up yeah, so I guess that would be the one thing.

J.R.:

But it's not like I eat it often yeah, same thing I.

Julie:

It's just so out of the way.

J.R.:

Yeah, so is that a vietnamese thing, or do you just tried it just for the sake?

Julie:

of it. It is a vietnamese thing too, okay. Okay, I actually didn't know that filipinos ate it as well.

J.R.:

Okay, yeah, I didn't know anyone else ate it besides, because because it was on Fear Factor 30 years ago.

Julie:

And then people were like oh my god, they have Filipino food on Fear Factor.

J.R.:

Yeah, oh my god, Joe Rogan. And then we're like Filipinos eat this all the time.

J.R.:

So I always thought it was normal, but I guess it was just my side of the family falls on that side of the tracks of Filipinos. Alright, one of them is oh, I feel like half of these are just like things that either annoy me or they're just hot takes about people. Oh, this is the best. I don't want to be that guy who just like oh, I know I'm outing myself, don't listen to this episode. Listen to the other 19 episodes so you can keep your facade of how you see me as this person. Okay, let's say, oh, how about we just okay Relationships or people or dating, dating, oh, let's do dating.

J.R.:

Okay, well, this one, you saw this one, but it was like relationships, how to manage, navigate, handle, manage, navigating dating. I think my the impetus for this topic is I talked to a friend recently and he was saying how I was like, how'd you love life? And he goes, it sucks, and he's single and he's dating right, and he said that there's this girl who ghosted him recently. They had five dates and everything, yeah, and he's just like I don't know why, and I think I'm fortunate enough then to not be in the shit show that is the dating scene. But you know, my heart goes out to all you guys trying to navigate that, but I think it's difficult because, like in this date, okay, I guess maybe my question is what are your thoughts on the dating scene both? Both of us are in relationships, but it seems difficult.

Julie:

Yeah. So I just think, because of what? The onslaught of technology and already even like five to eight years ago, the new psychology behind dating apps that it bred, was already kicking off. So I can't even imagine post pandemic what it must be like yeah.

J.R.:

Now I want to throw in my joke. I told you earlier, so earlier today we had a christmas like brunch thing and my friend was like yeah, dating apps. I read that there's a stat on tinder that you know, three out of every four people on the app are guys and one every four are girls. So 75, 25, right, and I came up with a joke and I was like like smirking to myself because I couldn't keep in the laugh. And then I was like they're like, just say it. I'm like, okay, here's the joke. Well, yeah, I think I feel like, yeah, on tinder, you know, I think I agree with that statistic because whenever I go on dates from tinder, you know three out of four of them are guys.

J.R.:

So I guess three out of four of them aren't yeah everyone faced palm, but they all laughed. My friend was like I'm mad at myself that I laughed at that joke.

Julie:

All right, did anybody laugh?

J.R.:

Maybe my delivery sucked, but that was the joke.

Julie:

Bless, you Put it in the comments.

J.R.:

Yeah, tell me if you laugh. Tell me if I should give up stand-up comedy. But Blessy was laughing at me and laughing at myself, not the joke.

Julie:

So that's See, that's the funny, the best jokes though.

J.R.:

The ones where you're just so audience. You're stupid. I am definitely stupid, but yeah. So I think like it's tough because of communication. I think you know there's the availability of people the facade of availability right because it's not like there's a lot of good catches.

J.R.:

Okay, sorry, hold on. Let me rephrase that. I'm not trying to throw people on the bus, but from what people told me, right, it's like some people who are jaded by the dating experience are like all the people who are good are taken, married, whatever, and like all you have are the leftovers on the app. Right, and I'm not saying people are on apps or leftovers, you know, I'm just trying to like the feeling that people have right. Yeah, so there are obviously good people out there, but when you have the kiddie poll that everyone pees in of tinder and like, ruins that sort of environment. So now it's just very low level people who you know aren't really looking for deep quality relationships.

Julie:

It gets tough yeah.

J.R.:

And then, because they think it's available, they can just jump at the first sign of oh, I'm not feeling it and just kind of eject out of that, instead of trying to form a real relationship with someone and figure it out. I know there's a lot of nuance, that I'm generalizing, right, but I know it.

Julie:

It can be tough, but I don't know if you have any thoughts you're saying that would be the mindset of every person in the kiddie pool which is there's not a lot of good options the ejection part oh well, I think it's.

J.R.:

I think it's part of the availability of people. So like you can get scared and like just give up, give up all together and be like this person is genuinely good. But because they don't look like a 10 out of 10 k-pop idol or they're not six feet and have six figures and all you know what I mean, or for girls it's one thing, or for guys it's another thing.

J.R.:

Yeah, and then you just well, they don't check boxes a, b, c and d. So therefore I'm just gonna jump and and again there's a lot of nuances. Now I'm trying to say don't have standards. But I'm saying like it's not like traditional dating, where it's like you have to meet a person and looks can be one factor of it, but on an app, all you see are the looks first.

Julie:

Yeah, and that's your priority. And sometimes, yeah, you're just not aware, but it's just, you can't help, but it's just the way the presentation goes, yeah.

J.R.:

And then I think some people take that sort of jaded mindset of, okay, they've been on so many dates and haven't worked out, and then now they're not bringing their best self to that other date and that person probably generally was like interested in trying to see where it goes. But then now you just you know you drop the ball.

Julie:

You're demoralized, exactly honestly, yeah, I don't blame the people who are trying really hard to put their best foot, best foot forward and then getting very demotivated because after the first couple dates and you're just like it's just not working out or people are just really bad people.

J.R.:

I'm trying to figure out what's a nice way to say it.

Julie:

You're just yeah, of course it's going to cast a white, it's going to change your lens of what's really out there. So so my takeaway is it's chance and you just can't give up, depending on how determined you are, because, yeah, I guess it's just like applying for jobs.

J.R.:

Applying for dating.

Julie:

Yeah, you know, and the more because back then, when I was also dating as well, it was very bleak back then. Like even back then it was bleak. So, and over time, I think it was just chance. You just don't know who's going to crop up and then maybe it's the right time, maybe you were in the right mindset, where you happened to be able to be yourself on that date, or that person maybe changed your mind. That is just, to me, just chance. However, destiny decided to make you show up that day, but honestly, yeah, I think it's pretty bleak. I'm pretty pessimistic about this. Yeah, no, I mean same.

J.R.:

My question would be like what well, I'm gonna give my two cents real quick, but then my question for you is what are your thoughts on advice for people who are in the dating market? You know like to find their person. And so from that question I'll say, like my personal experience, I've never had a person that I've met through dating app that, like, resulted in a long-term good quality relationship. And again, maybe it's just by chance I didn't happen upon good people, yeah, but all of my, the people who I've dated who are quality, you know, let's say matches, relationships or people who I knew in person or met in person through people or doing activities that I enjoyed, even though I did when I was single for like periods of time where I would be like on dating apps.

J.R.:

So just for me personally, it's never panned out, but yeah so my question to you.

Julie:

Yeah, I mean, I think for me, when you asked that question, the first thing that hit my brain was to diversify your options. It's not to put all your eggs into the dating app channel. We definitely still have to be trying to meet people in real life, because I think the culmination of you putting your efforts out there, I guess manifesting in a way.

Julie:

I don't know if manifesting works for some people, but in terms of just putting yourself out there in different ways, it really already sets you up for some kind of success Maybe not short term, but in the long run, like you're going to happen upon it when you aren't really looking or expecting it.

Julie:

But I think when you focus all your energies into one pipeline and you're hoping things work out, I think mentally you're already in a really bad place mentally, because then you feel this sense of urgency and you're like, why isn in a really bad place mentally? Yeah, yeah, because because then you feel this sense of urgency and you're like why isn't it happening yet? Why is everyone like xyz? But I think when you're just distracting yourself and trying a bunch of different things, then you're so focused on that that when something does happen, you're like whoa, yeah how and where?

Julie:

yeah I mean, it sounds very I do. What's the word romanticized? Yeah but, like I said, I like to compare things a lot to the job hunting landscape.

J.R.:

I think they're so similar yeah jules either looking for a job or a partner she's in a relationship, but you know, I mean yeah, but I think it's honestly very similar.

J.R.:

Yeah, yeah okay, I'm, oh sorry, it's your turn for a topic, but now I have a few thoughts on that because it's like on the term, the topic of like romantic, right, like I learned. Okay, so I have another definition for romance or romantic, and I learned it from a like a dieting fitness book okay yeah, so anyways, that's another sort of. I feel like we've talked about this before but, what's your question?

Julie:

I don't have one. Let's talk about what you this before but what's your question?

J.R.:

I don't have one. Let's talk about what you were thinking Whoa, but it's your turn.

Julie:

Oh, okay, okay, okay. What are some things about present day JR, that previous JR, whatever version, or what do they call it in the Avengers? What are they called Timeline? Well the previous versions of you wouldn't believe.

J.R.:

What about the current me that my past self wouldn't believe? Yeah?

Julie:

if your past self saw you now, they'd be like wow, I can't believe you are like that's really hard.

J.R.:

As someone who self-reflects constantly, I can't even think of a good question because, looking back I maybe I romanticized the idea that I'm still the same person I was a long time ago. I was reading an old journal entry of mine from like when I was 13, okay, and it's so very spazzy, add like quirky, and I laughed at all of his jokes. I'm like this is funny. This kid is hell of funny, my 13 year old self so. So I feel like we vibe, you know that's so wholesome Right.

J.R.:

And so my thought on that is I feel like I haven't changed much, like when I went to my high school reunion, like years back our tenure, and people were like man Jared, like you really haven't changed, but not in a bad way, like meaning like you're older, more experienced and more quote-unquote wise. But I appreciated that sort of feedback from people that I'm still the same person, like my same stupid jokes, same mindset.

Julie:

True, I'm trying to think about the you that I knew in 2012. You're right, you are actually the same.

J.R.:

Yes, consistency, we love it.

Julie:

Yeah, you're just obviously more successful as time passes.

J.R.:

I would hope so, I won't label myself as successful, but I feel like I'm at least doing things that I feel like I want to do, which that's my definition, but but yeah, I don't know.

J.R.:

I don't know if I can answer it I mean I could say, oh, I'm surprised I'm doing all these things, but maybe my past self either didn't care or I'm like, oh yeah, that makes sense, I always want to do stand-up comedy or a little podcast. That makes sense. You've always liked learning and teaching or whatever. Yeah, or dancing I've always liked well, not always, but I've been dancing for a long time so I don't know.

Julie:

If it's, I would surprise myself, is my thought when did you start dancing and how did that I?

J.R.:

think it was like middle school, okay, where my sister danced first and then I was watching music videos like omarion and b2k and I was like, oh, let me learn how to dance and my sister's popular and I want friends, so let me learn how to dance too. And so now you know, 20 years later, I don't have friends, but I still dance. I can dance. That's a joke.

Julie:

But really funny joke.

J.R.:

I like yeah, thanks, I couldn't even physically laugh out loud you know I don't have friends still, but like at least I can dance. But yeah, I tried to dance because I wanted friends. But yeah, music videos and then just joining dance team and following my sister's footsteps and also being Filipino as part of that, I guess yeah but yeah, I think that was.

J.R.:

That's how I started, but it was like it was cool because I was thinking about this yesterday, the feeling of dancing sorry, I was listening to a Trevor Noah and Simon Sinek podcast, like I mentioned, and there's what is the earliest childhood memory that you had that you felt really happy. Oh, and this isn't to answer that question, but I do remember at the high school, my middle school dance, the feeling of I'm freestyling and people are like, wow, jira, you can dance. And I'm like, wow, this is the thing that's defining me, it makes me stand out.

J.R.:

And I felt really good, to feel unique. And since middle school through high school. That was the thing that separated me from people was like I'm the dancer. Because a lot of my other friends didn't dance, and so that was making me feel special and I think I lean into that a lot. Okay, that makes a lot of sense.

Julie:

Okay, I need to throw any of those topics or questions over to you.

J.R.:

So things that surprise you or how did you?

Julie:

start dancing, or you know any of those. Well, I was gonna yeah, I was gonna ask you do you think I've changed? In the last 10 or so years that you've known me. No, I'm taking critical.

J.R.:

Oh no, first of all, julie's always open to critical feedback. No, I don't think't think so. I think you are generally the same. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's just my perspective. I think you're the same because we started dancing K-pop and you have the same sort of mindset mentality. I think the only difference is I know you've been through more stuff- oh yeah, just a bunch of random life, right but I think temperament, I think mindset, I think like how you are as a person.

Julie:

I don't think it's changed.

J.R.:

And I think I don't know what drastically changed people Like events that like make them like, wow, they used to be so happy and now they're all sad. Or like they used to be, like blah, but now they're serious. You know, I don't know.

Julie:

Yeah.

J.R.:

But for me I feel like you're very similar to before.

Julie:

Okay, okay, it's true, I think I must have asked someone a long time ago.

J.R.:

They say well, you look the same and you don't look much different.

Julie:

I mean, I know you're older, but yeah, but past me probably, well, I'll say in my 20s I was mostly stressed all the time and under a lot of pressure and I don't think that past me would have thought that I would be less stressed in the future. So I think I've achieved a little, a lot more freedom in certain things in the last, say, four to four to five years. I feel happier.

Julie:

I think the things that made me happier now I don't think was possible before you know because I just, you know, like one thing, like I'm an only child, there's a lot of pressure, filial, like things, and so I've been able to sort all of that out, and I didn't think I would be able to get to that point. Yeah, it's very stressful, so I what do you think helped you?

Julie:

Is it just intentional effort to sort those things out or do you think something helped um or advice, mindset help, help having seeking help? Oh, seeking like external help. Yeah, I guess I've just been. I was fortunate that that there were people like family members who were able to help me get out of places where I felt stuck like career I remember when I was younger in college, I felt stuck at having to go.

Julie:

I remember, when I was younger in college, I felt stuck at having to go with a certain career that was forced upon me. And you know, like I personality wise, like I didn't grow up like with a rebellious nature, so it was not natural for me to say no or set boundaries. So I always felt like I needed to achieve this on my own, I needed to carry this out on my own. So seeking help was not something that I also turned to very easily. So the fact that I was fortunate that there were players around me who decided to intervene and essentially save me. So no, you shouldn't be doing that, because we know what you really want.

Julie:

So we're going to help you advocate for yourself, so, and that helped me later on, you know, in terms of family stuff too, so, um and so that those are the things that made me kind of surprised, like I never really thought that those things were possible for me, because I thought that my life was already planned out for me and I was going to be stuck that way for the rest of my life.

Julie:

Um, let's see what else we we ask. Oh, how I got started dancing. Also music videos, but not btk, but in sync. Yes, who is that, that choreographer that did bye, bye, bye? He used to come with the dvds.

J.R.:

Maybe sean his name, nope, not sean, but either way, sean michael anthony yeah, there was there.

Julie:

There was a d DVDs back then where they would teach you the choreography. Oh, the bye, bye, bye. And that was the choreographer, Mm-hmm yeah it was his DVDs, and so I remembered trying to learn all the dances and Jessica Simpson and probably Beyonce their concerts were on TV all the time. Darren Henson, oh, that's the time, darren Henson, oh, that's his name, darren.

J.R.:

Henson so close, so close Like that's nowhere close to Sean. Sean Darren, same thing. You know, was that the guy?

Julie:

Yeah it was definitely him. Yes, I learned bye-bye-bye from him, and it's going to be me, yeah. Nice. So yeah, it was music videos as well. I wanted to be a backup dancer for stars, but then I saw that they wore midriffs and I was like my father would disagree.

J.R.:

You're like that is a deal breaker. Yeah, I can't do this, Can't be a professional dancer.

Julie:

Yeah, they got too many midriffs.

J.R.:

Yeah, so in an alternate universe, you we were able to wear midriffs.

Julie:

you could be a backup dancer yeah, nice, oh my gosh, yeah, what was it? There was another question, there was a third one, I don't remember. I'm very tipsy, we can keep going, so okay.

J.R.:

So topics either dating and or over investing. So basically the secrets of dating, of an attraction and romance. That's something I love talking about. Separate romance, that definition of romance, and then third, conditional versus unconditional love oh, let's answer all of it which one do we start?

Julie:

with. Oh, the one that you're really excited about over the dating. The other one secrets.

J.R.:

No, the secrets of dating attraction, yeah okay, so I can spend hours talking about this topic. But okay, so you know. People like, how do I start this?

J.R.:

I learned this in the book and maybe I'll link to it in the show notes, but you know, there's these books that I read that were made by venusian artists or pickup artists like venus, venusian artists and a lot of it is very like shady, very scummy sort of principles, but the psychology and the social dynamics make a lot of sense.

J.R.:

Okay, meaning I'm not trying to be like what's that dude's name? That's bald and he's like very like toxic men culture forgot his name anyways but it's like very low alpha males, right, but grain of salt, which listen to the psychology, which is there are three phases of dating. Whenever I talk about dating is it's like the attraction building phase, the comfort building stage and the intimacy building phase. And when people try to jump straight into, let's say, stage two, which is like comfort building oh, I want to be your friend, I'm going to be super nice to you you skip the attraction building stage and then they don't feel anything for you and you're just a friend. Or if you start off as friends and then you try to revert to dating, you first meet someone and build that relationship and not jump to comfort building. But if you also jump to intimacy building too fast, then you're just either friends with benefits, but they don't want to be your friend, if you just jump from phase one to phase three.

J.R.:

So that's one thing that people have to understand is like you can't just date someone and just be nice, and I'm not saying not being nice is the bad thing but, I'm saying there's like an order to it that psychologically makes more sense to people, because it's like, as much as you might love this person, you're like, they're great, but you're like, but I don't feel a chemistry or a spark. It's because you or they jumped past phase one into comfort building. And comfort building is like the things that friends do. Attraction building is different. So what attraction is?

J.R.:

How I conceptualized it from what I've learned is like the. It can be manufactured and it's mystery, anxiety, like things that make you question and you know, like, how do you fall in love with someone? It's not usually at one point in time, but it's over time is by thinking about them all the time. Is what do they think about me? And now you're thinking about what they're thinking about, and now you fall in love with them over time and exactly, you're obsessed with them. And that how do you make someone obsessed with you is not transparency, because if you tell them everything on your mind, you show all your cards, they're like I know what you're thinking, I know you like me, there's no mystery, I'm not going to think about you but, if you're hot, like hot and cold, you know it's like the bad boy that people fall in love with.

Julie:

Or the, you know the girl who's?

J.R.:

really out there and you're not sure what they're thinking about. That's the person you're gonna be thinking about all the time, because you're like how do they feel about me? They were warm and then they were cold and I'm on this emotional roller coaster.

J.R.:

They give me anxiety, but then they make me feel good, but then they don't talk to me and they're talking to other people that's crazy right, and so that mystery anxiety is what makes you obsess over them and it's like that sort of one night stand feeling of oh yeah, you want to sleep with this person, because they switch all of these emotional triggers into you and that's how you build attraction.

J.R.:

It's exciting, it's exciting right. And so therefore, my advice usually, or like how I approach it or how I tell people conceptualize it is like when you're dating someone, you're not trying to be an asshole, but you're not trying to be a goody, two-shoes, nice person quote unquote because that's not going to build the attraction. It's going to be like being your authentic self, speaking your truth and being bold with your opinions and being respectful, obviously like with integrity, but knowing the social dynamics of what makes people think about you. And how you build attraction is confidence, not being needy. That's the biggest thing is when people are like very needy and needy, you can define that yourself, but it's like over-investment in someone and saying, oh, you want to hang out, I'm so available for you, as opposed to I'm busy because I'm legitimately.

J.R.:

I have my own life and priorities and purpose, but I do like you and want to be with you, and so you're authentic self, but you're not needy.

J.R.:

You don't need them at all and I think that sort of mindset, mentality or stance will make you more attractive than someone who's so comfortable, so available, such a nice person, and they're just so bland. That person gets ghosted 10 times out of 10 or some sort of high percentage, right Like the person I was talking about earlier that like got ghosted. He's a very nice guy. I don't know how he does on the attraction building phase, but I know he's comfort building phase. He's really good. We also have a mutual friend of ours I won't out them, but this person is also also very good at the comfort building stage but he always he, they don't, he doesn't build attraction and then the girls just kind of lose interest in him and I'm like you're a nice guy, but you need to learn how to do phase one, which is building that attraction, having that charisma and then you can go on the other phases yeah so that's a very long tangent no, but I love it.

Julie:

Talk like hearing you talk about it every time.

J.R.:

The other thing. So the other thing. There's another concept, that's more people in relationships, which is the. I learned this from a book mating in captivity by esther pearl highly recommend it's a very good book. I think we've talked about this once or twice.

J.R.:

But there's two petals in a relationship where I fall in this with an ex of mine, where it's we had a lot of. You know, we were together for a long time but we fell out of it because the there two pedals right, there's comfort building and then there's the erotic, which is the intimacy. And the erotic is the same thing as, like the mystery, the attraction. That's how you have that spark, right. With some couples that go through all of this, they get to a point where it's like they don't have any love life in the bedroom, right, or like they just feel like you wouldn't have any attraction. We love each other deeply but it's because they're not pushing on the pedal of the erotic building, and erotic building is is created in space meaning you if you're always with your partner, like every single second of the day.

J.R.:

Right, we talk about this like every single second of the day. There's no space between you. You don't have different circle of friends. There's no space that you the erotic between you is the space so the more space you have with someone, the more eroticism there is.

J.R.:

And with dating that mystery person, you have a lot of space with them because you have no comfort with them.

J.R.:

So therefore there's a lot of eroticism between you and them and that's why one night stands are easier.

J.R.:

But with your partner that you've known so intimately it's hard to build the erotic if you're always so together. So her recommendation and she's like a, you know, a couples therapist and has been doing work for a long time, so I highly recommend her work mating, captivity, esther perel, erotic intelligence is that you always have to like you have your own circle of friends, you have your own priorities and you obviously come together and build that space. But you need to also build space between you two separated, because then otherwise you're going to kill that part of it. But then you go back into the comfort building and you need to spend time together, be transparent, have those talks where you're comfortable with each other. But then let's say in the bedroom like having more space and like having the erotic building that you need the two pedals, and so a lot of couples might. If you've been together for a long time, you might only be pushing one pedal of the comfort building, but not the erotic building that's I building but not the erotic building.

J.R.:

Yeah, um, that's. I feel like that's a very. That paradigm changed the way I see it as well, because I feel like that's very important for couples to know is like, if you're, you know you need to build the comfort, but also, if you get to that phase where it's like you've been together for years, you need to also build the erotic in your relationship to keep it alive, because it'll die and, as soon as you like, stop having intimate moments in the bedroom.

Julie:

That's for me, like I've experienced that where it's like that's when your relationship will start to die yeah, then you start becoming just friends, just friends exactly yeah, going back in the beginning, when you were talking about those three stages probably having to go in that order, do you think that originates from just how? Humans have always just operated, do you think? It's like nature, like natural or hard coding or whatever yeah, or do you think that it was man-made that, that transition?

J.R.:

I want to say because it's psychology and social dynamics. I want to say it's like natural because, if you think. Okay, that book also. Again, I don't really recommend the book but you can read it for, like knowledge which was mystery method by mystery. It is like I said, those guys all the by mystery. It's a read it for, like knowledge which was Mystery, method by Mystery. It is like I said, those guys all the by Mystery.

Julie:

It's a student, it's like his name.

J.R.:

Mystery is his name, but he's a pickup artist in like the early 2000s or something like that. Again, a lot of that book is very scummy. And then the people in that sort of era are very scummy because they would pick up women and sleep with them and all this other stuff right outdated, and stuff exactly and so, but like the principles, like I can understand why they worked for them, because they were successful in finding women in bars and sleeping with them, right.

J.R.:

So I think it's more nature, because you know the whole work, curiosity and again building sort of that erotic and then going through those phases because people want to romanticize. I found my soulmate but I'm like you know a lot of people prove that you can manufacture all of these things and, being like a logical person myself, I'm like okay, I vibe with that, I don't think it's just a magic in the air yeah just falling in love with someone.

J.R.:

I think you can manufacture that, because social dynamics is very. Even though it is an art, it can be a science too.

Julie:

Yeah what's the difference to you love what like the art versus the science.

J.R.:

Well, I mean, I think it's because, like, people are different, right, but then it's a science. Science meaning, if someone can prove systematically they can pick up people and make them fall in love with them and sleep with them, then I feel like that is a science right. Because, look, I can show you the method. It's called the mystery method.

Julie:

Formulate and not necessarily skill.

J.R.:

The great thing about it is that the book, the writer, who was like a journalist. He went undercover for two years and he wrote a book called like the game. That was the famous one, and then the second part of it was the truth and long story short, tldr. The conclusion is he's yeah, being a pickup artist no fulfillment at the end of that road. You will be very insecure. You have terrible relationships. So he's.

J.R.:

The second book was like him going full circle and being like I had to work through myself in therapy and all this other stuff and realize that short-term chasing, being good at picking up women did not lead anywhere and it left me feeling empty. And now building a relationship with my actual wife and the relationship that he found gave him way more fulfillment. Because all the pickup you can learn how to pick up women and sleep with them all you want. But that's a dead end. And he says no, it's actually loving yourself and building actual relationships and respecting people and understanding that is the real gold at the end of the pot of the gold and the rainbow. So that's the happy ending. I don't recommend anyone do that. And the author himself, who was a very good pickup artist, says too. He's like don't do it. It's gratifying to think yeah, I can figure out how to make people want to sleep with me, but he's like no, don't do it.

J.R.:

Trust. You know I can figure out how to make people want to sleep with me, but he's like, no, don't do it, trust none of us are happy is what he said.

Julie:

Wow, that is actually kind of a wholesome story.

J.R.:

I'm glad it turned out that way. I'm glad he didn't end up happy and stuff.

Julie:

You know, while you're talking about that, it was I wanted me to hear your take on. Have you heard the song Bad Habits by Usher?

J.R.:

I think so. If I hear it, well, it goes bad habits.

Julie:

Just kidding, okay. So I think this is a very common theme in a lot of the R&B songs that I listen to, where you're already in a committed relationship but you just can't help. But you have this bad habit where you want to keep looking and you have this side person that you rendezvous with and, even though you love your main person, it's just like a habit you can't kick. So Usher's song is just about how he loves his main person so much and he feels so terrible, but he just can't help wanting to buy a bag for this other lady. I think that's what the song is.

J.R.:

Maybe I'm never like he's just projecting. Yeah, you know this is a great song, but so that's what the song is. Maybe I'm never he's just projecting.

Julie:

Yeah, you know I this is a great song. But so I'm curious is there was something you said earlier that made me think, um, why? Oh yeah, because I was thinking about he was saying pickup artists. It's not, there's just no fulfillment at the end. But I'm thinking about, well, what about the individuals where not only are they maybe doing it lifelong, or the ones where they just can't kick the habit, like where do you? Think that comes from or why.

J.R.:

You mean, like, why people want to pick up people, or people want to.

Julie:

Like why does Usher feel that way? Well, not him personally, I'm sure he's just like why?

J.R.:

do people feel that? I think it's just a sense of insecurity, right. They feel like they're not getting their needs met and or Okay, so I'll just close this. But okay, I was insecure when I was younger, obviously, and I wanted to learn how to get girls to like me. Let me just throw that out there and be honest, right, and so I knew that me wanting to get good at people, getting people to like me, was stemmed from insecurity okay, true, I didn't love myself enough and I feel like I wasn't enough, right?

J.R.:

yeah, now I'm glad to say that where I'm at now, I'm very secure and I love myself and all those people around me who care about me. But, like back then, I wanted that gratification of people to say, oh my God, I really like you. And or specifically like people who I thought were pretty to like me back. Yeah, and I didn't even necessarily want to like them, but it was just because I was so insecure.

Julie:

Yeah.

J.R.:

Right, so insecure, yeah, right. And so I think maybe that's why I'm like so big into like relationships, because it's like that's that was like where I messed up and now that knowing that's it's it. When you go to the dark side and learn these the dark side, the power of the dark side it's because you're missing something and I feel like it stems from insecurity is that different from needing validation to you?

J.R.:

no, I mean that I think that's it, validation yeah because if you'revalidated, if you don't validate it in your spirituality and your family and yourself, self-love, of course you're going to want it from other people. And so when we create that validation from others, it's because you're insecure. Yeah, easier said than done and we're all insecure. So I'm not trying to talk down on anyone, we just work on it. Anything else we're wrapping up on time.

Julie:

Oh, I'm sure there's so much.

J.R.:

Yeah, there's so much, obviously, episode 40.

Julie:

We only have room for one more question, Sure yeah, one more question, you want it to be like a serious one.

J.R.:

Anything Okay, efficiently buzzed.

Julie:

Okay, when you go to a new boba shop or tea shop, what's your thought process on?

J.R.:

choosing one like how do you choose? This is what I'm going to order. Um, what's your? Because some people do go-to's like what's my go-to? Some people are like oh yeah because what's a safe one, what's a go-to, what's the special here? The name is called xyz boba. Oh, let me try the xyz boba on the menu, right?

J.R.:

yeah, like I might default to that, like they're special, or if they have a matcha latte or a strawberry matcha latte or just a regular fruit tea okay I won't be disappointed, because those are usually the same, but I also won't be surprised, okay so those are your, those are my those are my three safe ones. Which is either the special, what they're known for, or matcha latte, or a fruit tea.

Julie:

Okay, but then I know you are someone who documents, and also you. You document your stats for a lot of things too so, in terms of patterns, do you find yourself going for safe more often, or you're always trying to try something um new, but you think it's going to be great, or I don't know oh no, I think like it's 80 20.

J.R.:

I'm disappointed 80 of the time by new choices and 20% of the time they work out.

Julie:

And then.

J.R.:

so, therefore, 80% of the time I'll choose my safe choices, and 20% of the time I'll so it's an 80-20 world, both ways. Okay, that's what I feel like. Maybe I'm just pulling that on my ass.

Julie:

So 80% you are going with?

J.R.:

I know this is going to make me happy? Probably yeah. What about you?

Julie:

I always try new stuff knowing that it was probably going to be disappointing, but the curiosity is so great that I'm like I'm willing to just go for the herbal tea, shabu broth. So instead of you know what's probably recommended, like the house special. I'm like forget the house special, Like that's just going to be. What is it expected, right? So yeah, I guess that just sums me up as a person probably. Nice, just seeking the unknown, no matter what happens.

J.R.:

Yeah, that's funny because I feel like my approach also sums me up as a person too. I'm more like safe risk mitigation. But on that topic too I just mentioned before we started recording with, like my amc, alcoholic drink addiction. I think we started with that.

Julie:

We start with that. I don't know if it was on camera.

J.R.:

But, like I, my weakness is novelty stuff. So if you tell me seasonal, if you tell me like limited time only, if you tell me it's a specialty for this thing, okay I'll be like, okay, just take my money. I want to try this. Okay, I don't care if I like it or not I want the novelty, novelty of it. Because the scarcity, I'm fear of loss.

Julie:

That is hilarious Because like yeah, I'm like okay.

J.R.:

well, it's going to be away sometime soon, so let me just try it. And then it's. Even if it sucks, I'm like, I tried it, it sucked.

Julie:

Don't try it, you know but, at least I want to know for myself.

J.R.:

Yeah, exactly gonna watch it because I want to know for myself, okay. But again, I don't know if those are the same parallels, but for novelty stuff I'm a sucker for, but for movies I will still watch it. If there's something that intrigues me about it the, the actors, the director or the concept I'll still watch it yeah but yeah, some people like, oh my god, this big movie.

J.R.:

People hate it. Like, well, I'm still gonna watch it. People a lot of put a lot of effort into this big budget movie or it's a brand name or something that I know or an actor that I like. Maybe it does suck, but I'm still going to watch it.

Julie:

I'll see it for myself.

J.R.:

I don't trust people's reviews. Sometimes People just overhype things. Alright, anything else, last words or thoughts, no, just congratulations.

Julie:

as always, it's an honor to be here.

J.R.:

Thank you for being here.

Julie:

That was really cool, yeah, and I like the eggnog.

J.R.:

This was fun. I'm maybe I'm a little more buzzed than you, but I feel good all right, we'll sign off then thank you, julie, so much for being here.

J.R.:

I appreciate it. Hope you guys enjoyed this random show talk. If you guys are listening to us anywhere, comment, subscribe please. I don't do a call to action usually but I'll do it now since I'm kind of buzzed. But also, if you have any suggestions for topics recommendations group like people you want to send my way just DM me, message me. Like the pages. Anywhere, comment, I'll see it. But yeah, recommendation for anything. What did you like about the episodes? What do you want to see more of less of? You know stuff like that, so just let me know All right.

J.R.:

So thank you guys for tuning in Reminder to always be kind to yourself, others as well as yourself especially, and know that you can always learn something from someone if you take the time to listen. So thank you guys for being here.

People on this episode

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J.R. Yonocruz

Host
Contributor

Julie Huynh

Guest