the Mommy Pod's Podcast
A place where single moms come together to share their stories, find support, and never feel alone. I'm your host, a full-time working mom navigating the highs and lows of co-parenting two toddlers in a bustling city.
the Mommy Pod's Podcast
Meet Jessica! being single mom led her to Law School! (unedited)
In this inspiring episode of The Mommy Pod, we sit down with Jessica, a determined single mom of two teens who transformed her life by stepping into the world of law. After leaving a long-term abusive marriage, Jessica rebuilt her life from the ground up — finding strength through sobriety, CrossFit, and Spartan Racing, and navigating the challenges of solo motherhood. Now an Uber driver and aspiring law student, Jessica shares how she’s using her experiences to advocate for other moms navigating the legal system, fight for financial accountability, and stand strong against post-separation abuse.
Listen in as we discuss the resilience it takes to start over, the realities of co-parenting after abuse, and the power of community and self-empowerment. Jessica’s journey reminds us that with courage and determination, it’s never too late to rebuild, reclaim your life, and chart a new path for yourself and your family.
@themommypod
All right, Jessica, thank you so much for joining us on the mommy pod. Can you start by sharing a bit about your story and what led you to this point in your journey as a solo single mom?
SPEAKER_01:So I was, I got married in 1998. Um, I met my now ex-husband in college and we, I, um, was married about eight years when I had her daughter and, um, I, um, Over time, the marriage is almost 23 years and just increasing a lot of domestic violence. Nothing like the burning bed type stuff where you see on TV, but just subtle mental and emotional things that kept building and building. And I took the leap. I left him in April of 2021 because I was concerned about how it was affecting kids. Didn't matter to me. how it was affecting me, but I was really worried about the kids' mental health. My children are both on the autism spectrum disorder and I was very concerned about my daughter's mental health and how the marriage was affecting her. And so I did a quiet plan and readied myself as much as i could and i called the cops and made the leap and jumped out of there and um filed for divorce and got some help about how to navigate that so the divorce was final in april of this year and um in 2021 my ex-husband decided he would want to split the children up so he stopped seeing our daughter right away and then about a year later quit seeing our son so i became A solo single mom because you just choose to walk out of the picture. And so I was a stay-at-home mom before, and I homeschooled my kids. Even before COVID, I homeschooled my daughter. So it's been a real struggle since then. And I consider myself very proactive and very smart. But even though I've done everything I can possibly do the right way, and this is why I found the Facebook group California Mothers of the Voice, there's still a lot of challenges that come with it. And my greatest challenge is, even though I'm a college graduate and I have work experience, I'm dealing with some major financial abuse and post-separation abuse. And I'm fighting back and getting some, but it's always a massive battle. And I'm in the kind of walking the fine line of supporting my kids, being available to them as the only parent, And then trying to get myself fully financially sufficient and trying to survive in L.A. But there it is. And so I've just dealt with a lot of like plates spinning in the air. You know, it's a lot of things I've been juggling. But I really wanted to come on here and share with you just how I've been able to navigate this. this and not go out of my mind, you know, and still be okay and still be able to enjoy my kids despite having a very difficult ex spouse and very unsupportive. And, you know, yeah, that's, I guess that's all I'm trying to say.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Well, that's what people need to hear. They need to hear how you can bounce back and still have a happy home. But first, congratulations to you. For taking that step and getting out of that relationship and having a better, happy home for your family. Yes. That choice. I know how difficult that is because that's how I became a single mom. I do co-parent, so I am blessed in that way. Yes. But we weren't doing well. And instead of doing the work, you know, it was just better to just separate. And... I didn't want my kids to see that, see how we were treating each other. Yes. Yeah. So it's a big step, and it's so hard, and nobody really talks about how hard it is financially on any parent if they are doing it alone. Yeah. Now he's helping, but in the beginning, I was on my own. Oh my gosh. So hard to take care of two kids plus my rent. I mean, I live in LA too, so I get it. And gas. It's ridiculous. So yeah, but now we split things and it's a little bit more helpful, but still I get it. It's hard.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I'm really happy that that's the arrangement. I would love nothing more than to co-parent with my ex. I really, really would in some amicable way. But it's just, I can't. It was either his way or the highway. And I didn't agree with... what only one child being seen and not the other. That was very so destructive. I couldn't handle that. Did he
SPEAKER_00:just not want to see the other child or did he want to have one child and then switch?
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_00:He decided
SPEAKER_01:that he... I'm going to try to say this without crying. He decided to completely reject and abandon our daughter. in 2021 because she had a problem. You know, he kind of did the typical man thing. You know, he found someone else in the internet within 20 minutes and moved her on in, you know, so that it was very, very fast. And she had a problem with it. She was a 14 year old girl, you know, and she started, my daughter has kids in the spectrum as a whole. They don't really have a big filter and she just kind of, I think she said some things and was just very transparent and you know, it, it caused a problem. So he, about two months after visitation started, he said, I'm not picking her up anymore. I'm like, what do you mean? Like, Oh, I'm not picking her up anymore. And I said like, like later we'll try counseling and they tried counseling. It didn't go well. And cause she kept, my daughter is very real and transparent and she just speaks the truth and he couldn't, he didn't want to. So yeah, He decided to stop seeing our son for a while and then decided he was going to try to just kind of only take him and just split the children, like divide and conquer and only take our boy. But the problem with that is, is that he's so bonded to his sister and to myself that while he loves his father, he didn't want to play the games. He's on the spectrum as well. And I think he just saw... I think he just saw things in black and white, but wait, this doesn't make any sense. And so he told our son after a while, like, I'm going to pick you up later. And they just never came back. So it's, it's, it's true. It's a very heartbreaking story. It's really, it's hard for me to talk about it without getting emotional because I can't imagine being a child and feeling rejected by your parent, you know, and they're in the same town, but, um, it's, it's over financial support. Um, you know, my ex-husband does very well for himself and his wife does not, his new wife, she chooses not to work and it became a game of who, you know, and I think it's really based on finances and just more interested in like having control over, you know, I get the lion's share, you get the breadcrumbs and I want you to agree to that and I want you to be okay with the fact that there's this new woman in the picture so soon. And you just need to agree with it, not object. And I said, well, this isn't healthy. And the courts say different. And so I wanted to really insist on healthier family dynamics and healthier boundaries. And I'm saying this in a very kind way. I insisted on healthier terms and healthier dynamics. We had a family therapist also heavily involved in the situation, and he wanted it his way. And so what ended up happening is I ended up taking on both kids by myself and I'm always in court fighting for enforcement of support. I actually had an issue today. So I'm supposed to raise the kids by myself with no one around and be in poverty. That's what, if he had it his way or, you know, but instead I just keep standing up for myself over and over again. But I, as I say, this is a really sad situation. I know it sounds terrible, but it really has through turning to the right resources and turning the rights and building a support system, it really has helped me grow into the woman I was always meant to be that was kind of subdued in the marriage. So I know that I'm trying to say it in the right, it's really, it's really trial by fire. And I sound great. I know I do probably, but I really decided like, this is not going to destroy me. This is going to make me better myself. And I'm going to make the best of it because at the end of the day, what matters is, is I have a beautiful relationship with an amazing girl, an amazing boy, and they're incredible kids. And I love them to pieces. And I guess the love of my children just drive me through the whole thing. And, you know, and subsequently in the middle of this process, I just thought to myself, you know, you're going to court so much. Why don't you... maybe apply to law school, like make a, make a whole career. This whole situation brought
SPEAKER_00:you to pursue a career in law.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I, I just, I actually waiting out results of the law school admissions test. I was not a good student and I do have a degree, but I really struggled, but I decided, I guess I just, you know, I'm going to be honest. I sat in the kitchen in 2021, a few months after I left my ex, he had cut off support for the first time, told me he wasn't going to pay. And I was like, okay, this is what am I going to do? And I had COVID, you know, the Omicron that went around that was really contagious. I had ducked and dodged COVID and man, it got me, you know, I went to one party, right? I'm sitting there sick. And the remote job that I got that I thought was going to go permanent, they laid us all off instead. And I'm sitting there, no job, you know, sick, facing Christmas, I have to Instacart the rest of the stuff because I can't even go shopping. Remember when we had COVID, we couldn't go anywhere. Yes. And so I'm sitting there, I'm like, you know what, this is gonna change my life. I'm not doing this. Like, and I just thought, you know, maybe I want to go into law, like, and so I contacted a friend of mine, who is a lawyer and became an attorney a little later in life. And it's a single dad. And I went, hey, bud, can I email you an idea? He goes, sure, what is it? And I email him, hey, I want to be your attorney. He goes, okay, let me lay out exactly what this is going to look like for you. And here's some schools, here's some part-time programs. You're not going to be able to go full-time and be a mom. It's not happening, but there's a part-time program that'll probably work for you. And the bar is everything. Wherever school you go to, you've got to pass the bar. So I just, I kept fostering the idea until I kind of You know, when I had to really learn to fend for myself at times when money wasn't coming in, I just started really dreaming about it. I said, well, I can either cycle in and out of jobs or I can just go for a dream and just build toward. And I think that's probably kept me sane is building toward a dream. Even if I don't get there and I did my best to get there, it doesn't matter the woman that I'm becoming. is what matters. You know what I mean? Whatever I end up, whatever the results are, is what's going to matter. And so I just decided to let this sculpt me instead because, man, my life, I'm not going to let, I'm not going to destroy my life over one bad partner. I'm
SPEAKER_00:just not going to
SPEAKER_01:do
SPEAKER_00:it, you know? Yes, that is so awesome. I love your resilience and your attitude. Well, I mean,
SPEAKER_01:It's the babies, you know, they keep me motivated every single day. They're just awesome, you know, and they I enjoy and I've had this time with them through the struggles and they've hopped on for the ride and they don't care about material things or money or anything. So they've been like, Oh, mom, you know, get us McDonald's. Okay, you know, and so it's just really been I've been motivated by that, you know, it's like, I don't know. I just know that even the divorce and all these trials, I've grown closer to some of my siblings. Also, too, I want to incorporate this because I should be very transparent and honest. One of the things I did before I left my ex-husband is I gave up alcohol and got sober. And I leaned into the recovery community pretty hardcore. And they carried me through some really bad meltdowns and some days where I felt like I was coming apart. I'd go to a meeting or I'd make a phone call and that really helped me together too. And then my faith in God, I really grew strong in that and just started reading daily Bible verses and daily readings and things like that. And so that really helped me too. I think not turning to substances And that was something I used to do is to turn a drinking and to cope with things without, you know, and in the marriage and stuff and deciding to be feel all the feelings and just move through them and let people help me through it. It was key. It was really, really key.
SPEAKER_00:Hmm. What? That's good advice. What other good advice do you have for moms who are struggling with similar challenges and are considering taking the steps towards sobriety?
SPEAKER_01:Um, I said that the thing I want to really explain to that thing about I went into Alcoholics Anonymous and I got a sponsor and I didn't trust women very well at all. I didn't trust anybody very well. I remember telling my sponsor, like, these people are nuts. She's like, well, it's not the hub of mental health, but you got to start somewhere. So what really made a difference to me, hands down, was deciding to find another woman who had years of sobriety. sit down with her and tell her the entire truth of my life. I mean, really just tell her what's going on. The down, the dirty, every bit of my, every dark corner and just decide to trust her. And once I sat down and told her the truth of what was happening, that allowed me to really see it for what it was and not allow me to pull in denial. And she didn't tell me what to do. She didn't say I should do. She never used the word should. She always just agreed with me and just listened and, and allowed me to just like, let me trust her and being able to share openly with somebody really. Cause when you're in a really negative toxic situation, you have these little pockets is not, you have ways you cope and like not, Oh, this isn't happening. Oh, let's live for the good times. Right. And when I had the good time, she, you know, she would just make little reminders. And it wasn't, she didn't push me. She didn't tell me to leave. She didn't tell me what to do, but she just guided me along, if that makes sense. And so I really just say, find somebody that does not know your ex or your husband or your boyfriend or partner, whoever he is, find somebody that is out to the situation and just tell them what's really happening. Let your mind go ahead and rework it and try to find the solution. That's what I have to say. That made all the difference. And this woman is still in my life today. So, and she believes all the craziness I've been through and she doesn't talk me out of my experience or say, oh, you know, you know, it's not that bad. No, she was, she would say, this is really effed up. This is really bad. She would say it back to me and I go, oh yeah, you're right. You know, so I would say find one person. It doesn't have to be in the recovery community. It doesn't have, whatever, just find a priest who, a minister whatever and just tell them what's happening
SPEAKER_00:yeah that's so good because sometimes we want to just stay to ourselves and yes let people in and I think it's really important to let people in so that you are not alone because you know darkness can come when you're all by yourself yeah
SPEAKER_01:and I think that you know you're when you have you know um We have other people that you could, you, you, what you, what I did was I built my circle. I built, I built a circle of people that I could just sounds like that movie meet the parents, you know, circle of trust. Right. But
SPEAKER_00:like, I'm on here. You got to build your community.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. You have. And so what I ended up doing that, but I, one of the things I did before I got sober was I was like, way out of shape and i started getting involved in obstacle course racing so i started going getting into spartan races and that's a community of itself and so that's all about women empowerment and i helped form a group that's got i can't i think we have 10 000 members or something it's called um women strong and we just basically encourage each other to like go run a 5k, run a half marathon, try this and just encourage each other to be, you know, we put all these women together, whatever you're going through, it doesn't matter. Some, somebody has a child with cancer, whatever. We all have our challenges and just, you put yourself in the right places and around the right people. You're going to be encouraged. And I really believe you're the average of your five best friends. And I think when you put yourself around people that are going to encourage you and, and, you're going to be encouraged. It's like, what do they say? You, you hang around the barbershop long enough. You get around to get a haircut. It's like, you really have to build. And that means being vulnerable. And that means you're not always going to be touchy feely good. You're sometimes going to feel rejected until you find your people, but find your people because we're, we are human beings. We're meant to connect, connect and commune. Right. And so we, We can, our people are always out there, no matter where we are, if we're in Montana and California or whatever, there are people there to support you. And what the greatest thing about the internet and how you and I connected is the fact that there are ways to connect with people on the internet that are going to support you. And so find your key people to support you in every which way and just, because we all need to be validated, right? We all need to be reminded of our truth as well. And so find those people, whoever, whatever it could be a grandfather, whatever it just, you have to find those people. You cannot do this alone ever. You can't, you just can't, you know?
SPEAKER_00:Right. You're so right. And how did activities like CrossFit and Spartan racing, how did they help you heal and regain your confidence?
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So I
SPEAKER_01:started CrossFit first. I literally walked in with my size 24 Lane Bryant outfit. I walk in, everyone's like doing muscle ups and stuff. And I'm like, there's no way I belong. And I decided to throw myself into it because I immediately felt a community feel. And I was right. I would go and do a workout with everybody, barely keep up, have to have everything modified, and then go outside and cry because the support felt so good. Then I got a little stronger than I did the Spartan races. It's a very encouraging because there's all kinds of people that do these races. Now, I'm not talking about the competitive heats. I'm talking about the open heats. There are people out there with missing limbs and all these kinds of things. And it's just a place where people gather and are attracted to that are trying to overcome personal obstacles in their life. Maybe physical, maybe mental, whatever. But there's every kind of story. For example, I went out one time to a race in Santa Margarita and this woman allowed her daughter to go with the father of her child and the father and child decided to get back at her and shot the little girl and shot himself. She was eight years old. And she just needed to feel sane. So she went out with us. It made the news, the whole thing. And she just went out with us. And terrible things like that to a guy that I met had no legs. I mean, every story you can think of is out there. And when you connect with the Spartan community, that's what happens. You start growing. And then it didn't matter what size I was. And that's the thing about CrossFit and Spartan races. It never mattered what shape I was in. what size it was, nothing. All that mattered is I wanted to belong and I just wanted to be a part of things. So everything was modified or scaled to what I could do until I got better. And when I completed one time a feast in Tahoe, it took me 11 hours to finish this thing. I went up and down a mountain twice. But you know what? When you do that, there's just nothing that can negotiate that. No one can talk you out of that. You did it. And I started doing things in CrossFit and in Spartan races that I never did my entire life. I quit smoking. I dropped the booze. All of a sudden, I'm like, I care about what I eat. It just transformed my life. And I kept connecting with good people that would encourage me. And I just dipped myself into that. Did a couple women's competitions. How to do the skill version. But just every little thing that you can do. that you didn't do before. That builds, and I think the confidence, when we're in relationships that are destructive, the confidence are like bricks. You're not gonna build a house in one day, right? But you have these little bricks, these little things. These people you meet, these, you know, I met one of the CrossFit Games athletes. She was teaching a course and she just looked at me and I told her my story a little bit and she goes, just focus on getting 1% better and celebrate those victories every day. And I literally took that to heart and I said, You know, I did this different or I talked back or I stood up for myself even when everything felt bad. I just said, look, but I did this. I made this step forward. And I just kept throwing myself in that over and over again, even though it was intimidating. People were smarter, faster, stronger, whatever. I still this day can't do a whole pull up. Right. But you know what? It's modified. I jump on a box or I do a band or whatever. It doesn't matter. I still belong there. you know, and we belong and wherever we want to belong and we can be there. And I just know that like three times with my cross, I probably should say this, but my gym, you know, I go to my, the owner and say, Hey, I can't pay the fee. I am like, be our, okay. He broke this month, blah, blah, blah. And he go, well, then you're just going to keep coming. And when you're just going to worry about this month, we got you. That's what would happen. Things like that. These small, when you take these small steps for in your life, these small miracles keep happening in your life. It comes to, it just keeps coming, you know, and they don't stop as long as you keep the faith and believe and connect with good people, you know?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Yes. How can moms navigate the legal system to ensure that they and their children receive the support they deserve?
SPEAKER_01:Okay. If the relationship was abusive anyway, Um, be prepared for financial abuse because if someone's not, it's going to cross boundaries and other ways their life, if there's been any type, just be prepared for it. And what I did in my situation is I saved, um, I quietly like a frog in hot boiling water. You know, have you heard the term, you know, frog in the boiling water? It just, you keep tearing the temperature up until you boil the frog. Right. And the frogs don't feel, they never jump out because they don't really understand they're being boiled until it's too late. So I quietly tucked away money and I paid off my credit cards. I made a plan how to get a retainer.
SPEAKER_02:If
SPEAKER_01:you can do it, if you can find some way to get some type of legal advice, legal counsel, do it. And get ahead of it before you walk out the door. Get yourself armed with all the information. Do not tell your partner anything. You're going to do it. Just stay quiet. And with the support, I know that you're in L.A. and I'm in L.A. I go through Los Angeles County Child Support Services. Let them help. Let them go after him. But get all the information about him, about his employment as you can so you have it ready. But just, I can't emphasize enough, just talk to the experts. If you're feeling lost or overwhelmed by it, Just quietly talk to it. Don't let anyone. Don't let the mom know. Don't let him know. Don't let anyone know you're doing it. Be very, very stealthy about the whole thing. But arm yourself with information. And the amount of money you're going to need to leave is probably twice, probably half of what you need. You probably need to save twice. So what I did was I saved money. I paid my credit cards off. And I got a loan for the retainer. And I filed for divorce. And I jumped on getting an order right away.
SPEAKER_00:That's
SPEAKER_01:smart. Yep.
SPEAKER_00:That's very smart. Get all of your ducks in a row before... All the ducks.
SPEAKER_01:Don't let any wander off. Grab those birth... Oh, can't... Besides, grab those passports. Grab those birth certificates. Grab all the valuable jewelry. You're going to lose some material things. Grab the things you just can't part with. And don't make them big. Trust me on this. Get the birth certificates. Get all those things and put them in a little envelope and have it in a safe place. Give them to a trusted family member, friend, whatever. But just get those things. You do not want to be looking for a social security card or you don't want to be looking for that later. It's really, really vital and important.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. And what other lessons from your journey do you hope listeners will take away from our talk today?
SPEAKER_01:Don't sit with your feelings, talk it out with somebody, you know, get it out, join a support group. And if you don't know where to go for a support group, keep yourself connected, whatever way you can and connected in safe ways, you know? And one of the ways I really pulled out of some major depressions because it does happen is I Aside from caring for your kids, care for yourself. Make that a priority in any little way you can. And also, call someone up and ask them how you're doing. There's nothing that will get you out of your head and your circumstances than asking someone else how they're doing and being available to listen. And I know it doesn't seem like I don't know what that sounds like, but I know that saved me so many times because all of a sudden I didn't care what was happening to me. It was about what they were going through and I felt good about listening.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's really good advice. Yep. Let's see, as an inspiring law student, and I'm sorry, you said you passed the bar?
SPEAKER_01:No, I took the law school admissions test. I'm waiting for the results. I've taken it before, but wasn't quite ready. And I am an Uber driver. I know that's really sexy, right? But yes, I am an Uber driver. I made the decision in a period of time when money was okay. And I bought myself a Honda. a hybrid, really good on gas. And I drive all over LA. I mainly drive people to the airport because it is just the most lucrative and allows me to be home the most because you drive and people mean business when they're going to the airport. They don't, you know, I've done the, I've picked up the drunks. I've done that, but it's a lot more civil to take people to the airport and they're so grateful you got them there on time. So they're, they're good tippers.
SPEAKER_00:That's great. I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:It's definitely sexy to have a job.
SPEAKER_01:It really is, right? But how am I going to be the only parent available to the kids and then they need all this stuff? My daughter doesn't drive. She's not okay to work. We just applied for SSI for her. And my son still needs help too. And so it makes it available... me to be available to them and then work when i need to so there are times where i will work at 4 a.m 3 a.m actually it's a dream to take someone to the airport at 4 a.m because there's no traffic and no one in the terminals so i just continually make it work and just have a number i need to meet and keep you know meeting it and then you know i'm always trying to get child and spousal so i did get awarded spousal support um so i am always trying to but then it there's times I don't get it. And so I'm always having to work to keep enforcements in the system and keep working that stuff. But, you know, I mean, I just keep a few irons in the fire to make sure things work.
SPEAKER_00:Well, how do you hope to use your future legal career to help others?
SPEAKER_01:All right. So there's two things that I have personal experience that I would love to use, but we'll see when I get into law school. One is I love, 99% of the time I went to the IEP meetings and had to advocate for my children and the resources they needed. I've had to do a lot of that. So I'd love to be an advocate for disability rights. You know, if someone's having trouble getting qualified for disability or workman's comp or whatever, that'd be a great field. However, I know family law can get sticky, but I would love to love to be that person walking into court with someone who's just terrified and overwhelmed with the situation in the system and say, Hey, Not only do I know what I'm doing, but I've been there, you know, and because that makes all the difference in the world. I've attended court with other women in my situation. I loved it. I love listening to cases. It's really, you know, it's the system is not perfect and there's a lot of really crazy loopholes, but I would very, very much like to be someone that helps another person get up on their feet and feel supported and be able to do what they need to do.
SPEAKER_00:That's awesome. I know that you're going to get there and you are going to help so many people. I hope so. There's a song that's called Beauty from Ashes. Yeah,
SPEAKER_01:I know. It's a faith-based song. Yes. And you make beauty from the ashes.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Yes, I know
SPEAKER_01:exactly what song you took. I know. They have the songs in my head. I know exactly. Yeah, I'm trying to. I think. What's
SPEAKER_00:that? I think it's by Nicole Mullen. Okay. But that's what song just came to my mind as I was listening to your story. You're definitely doing that. And your journey is a testament to resilience and power and reclaiming your life after hardship. And it's hard, but you have a beautiful story to tell. And your story is not done and you're going to help so many moms and parents who might feel
SPEAKER_01:lost. Yeah. And there's so many people that have been there for me. And one of the most amazing gifts, and I don't know why I'm talking about this, but one of the most amazing gifts is, you know, being able to trust other people in general, but no women was tough for me. You know, I didn't have my mom. My mom was alienated from me and she, um, She would not give up and worked really hard to get back in my life. And she has been my rock. But I had trouble with relationships, period. And then I could not handle dating after I left my ex-husband. I couldn't trust men either. It was hard. And I've had some really beautiful platonic friendships with men also, which has really been so like... helpful to me because I know that like not all men are terrible you know like you know it's it's okay it's all right for me to be in that place right now where I'm learning to kind of navigate that as well so my relationships have definitely changed a lot so I hope to be helpful to people in the future for sure
SPEAKER_00:yeah that is so inspiring too I hope that one day I find some good friends platonic men friends but until then yeah
SPEAKER_01:no i mean i've had like i had one guy that went and did a race with me i had another guy that um helped i broke my bed frame he talked me through it through facetime and gave me his drill and you can do this jess and you know just that kind of thing you know it's just been i've had i've had i've had like platonic dates where we've like just gone to the movies or I didn't have to worry about anything happening just because I was not in a good place at the time and they were just it's okay I'm not here for anything else just to be your friend like it's been really nice so
SPEAKER_00:that's nice that is good yeah is there anything else that you would like our listeners to know or remember I think you've given us so much great things to share keep in mind and great tools, but is there anything else that you would like us to know or remember? It's okay to
SPEAKER_01:grieve a bad partner. It is so okay. And walk through that grief. Let yourself grieve the loss of your expectations. Let yourself grieve the loss of the partner. Let yourself grieve the loss of those toxic connections. you have with them it's all right to be sad no matter how terrible he was you have to grieve because there were good times that catch you there right and you guys would create children together and i ended up going to a widow who lost her husband um he was a firefighter and i went to her and said i'm so sorry i do not mean to like compare my life to yours but I'm really having tough time. She goes, he's your grieving and it's okay. And someone gave me, Oh God, I'm going to choke up. Someone gave me the permission to grieve. And I let, and she allowed me to grieve and I was able to share it with her. And I started to do it with safe people. And that helped me really heal as well, because I think we missed that part. We just want to be angry. Like F that dude. Oh, he's a dead bubble. But she, you know, the anger has got to dissipate and you just have to, at the end of the day, I'm going to say this. And it's probably like people are going to go, oh, what are you talking about? You got to want the best for them. You got to pray for them. You got to pray for that other person. They find their way. You got to want good things for them. And I remember someone saying it to me and I was like, no, he's awful, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you know what? You still got to do it because it doesn't, it's about you and being able to find peace in your life. And because you can't carry around the anger and resentment because you're just going to harm yourself. And you'll never be able to find something else that's really going to fulfill you if you don't work through the anger and the grief. So allow yourself to grieve.
SPEAKER_00:I think I needed that. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01:Good.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, I did. I think also I need to learn how to get over the grief. Like how long can you grieve for? I don't think that you get over the
SPEAKER_01:grief. I think we walk through it. I think it just keeps changing shape. I think there's, it's like a tattoo, you know, it just stays, but like you learn to live with it, whatever. And it's okay. It was a big part of your life. It was a child or children you had together. That's okay. And you got to give yourself space for that and walk through it. And there's nothing wrong with it popping up. buy whatever it is. It's a part of you. It's like a tattoo or a scar or something you have. It's there and that's fine because it made you who you are today. And all these things have to be put into play when it comes to healing because it's a big pivotal moment to leave a bad relationship. And there's all these things to be worked through, especially about how we are to ourselves and how we are to other people because we pick up toxic things That we've done. That we're not even aware of. And that was a really hard thing for me to do. Was to fix how I was toward my children. Because there were so many survival mechanisms I had. That I had to lose. And get rid of. And so. Allowing yourself to look. Grief. There's a definitely. I want to just part with saying. That there's definitely a way to make. Be whole. And it just takes time. A lot more time than we think. And it's all right. Like our feelings are okay. You know.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. This is such a good conversation and I really needed to hear this last part, especially. I'm glad. I'm so
SPEAKER_01:glad. You know, it was funny. It was that I was really having a crappy afternoon, you know, and I was really like, and you sent the email. I said, Oh, I don't know if I can do that. I said, Nope, you're going to get out of your head and you're going to go and you're going to share with somebody else. And you still got to be a flashlight in someone's dark alley, whoever's listening or whatever it turns out to be. I'll stay out of the results of this. You know, it helped me to, to be able to come on here. So thank you so much for the opportunity. Oh,
SPEAKER_00:that's awesome. Thank you. All right. You're welcome. And have a good night. You as well. Thank you. Bye. Bye.
