the Mommy Pod's Podcast
A place where single moms come together to share their stories, find support, and never feel alone. I'm your host, a full-time working mom navigating the highs and lows of co-parenting two toddlers in a bustling city.
the Mommy Pod's Podcast
Stronger than the Storm: Turning Resilience into Change with Chanel Grant
In this powerful episode of the Mommy Pod, I sit down with Chanel N. Grant, MBA, M.Ed—educator, autism mom, special education advocate, and resilience expert. Chanel’s story is one of courage and transformation. Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, navigating divorce, and raising a child with autism, she has faced challenges that could have broken her. Instead, she turned her pain into purpose, using her voice to empower other women to rise after trauma and fight for what matters.
We dive into:
✨ Why resilience is more than “bouncing back”
✨ The hidden ways systems are designed to fail mothers
✨ What it means to parent a child with autism while managing chronic illness
✨ How to rebuild when the life you thought you’d have falls apart
✨ The encouragement every mom needs when she feels like she’s standing on the edge
Chanel’s message is clear: being torn down isn’t the end—it’s your chance to rebuild the life you deserve.
Whether you’re a single mom, parenting a child with special needs, or simply searching for hope, this episode will remind you that you are stronger than you think, and your story isn’t over yet.
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Today we are joined by Powerhouse guest Chanel Grant. Chanel is an autism mom. She is a special education advocate and resilience expert, a former school leader, turned storyteller. She's empowered women to raise up after trauma and fight for what matters. Her journey is one of courage, diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, navigating divorce, and walking through her son's autism diagnosis. She's living proof that purpose can be born in fire. Chanel, welcome to the Mommy Pod.
SPEAKER_04:Thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_00:Of course, can you introduce yourself to our listeners and share a little bit about your background and um yourself as a mom and educator?
SPEAKER_04:Of course. I don't know that I can uh top what all you just said, but I will try. I mean, um, my name is Chanel Grant. I've worked in education pretty much my entire adult life. Um, I started working with children when I was in college in undergraduate studies. I became a stepmother. Um, so I went down that journey for almost a dec, actually for a decade. Um, so I was always really indoctored in education. And I had my first child in 2021, became a mom, and then found myself navigating divorce, his diagnosis, my diagnosis, um, and really just trying to pivot because you you you feel like you do all the things that you know, I checked all the boxes, I got married first, I did this, and everything still blew up. So uh I found myself just kind of trying to figure it out, and I I still am. Well, transparency. I'm still, I still am.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I like how you said that you try to check all the boxes and things still blow up because I beat myself up sometimes because I did not go through the checked boxes, and so I'm like, maybe if I'd have just done it right, it would have worked out.
SPEAKER_04:I tell people that all the time. I have like one of my really good girlfriends, she's like, Yeah, but you got married first. And I was like, are we not in the same situation? Like, what good did that do? That the goal is is to choose the right partner and and really heal yourself, which from my article, which I know we're gonna talk about, had I had no business getting married. Like, had I done that, it wouldn't have mattered if I checked all the boxes or I didn't, right? Because ultimately a lot of these things that happened to me, it was rooted in in internal things that I should have taken care of. Right.
SPEAKER_00:Well, um, you've lived through so many different life-shaping experiences. Um when you look back, what moment felt like the hardest at the time? Because I know that we're not fully through it, but you're through a little bit of it. So when you look back, what moments felt like the hardest, and what gave you strength in those moments?
SPEAKER_04:So I don't know that I've ever actually told anyone this story, and I don't know what is possessing me to disclose it now, but there was a morning where some things had transpired, and I had laid my son down, you know, like to go to sleep, and I walked into my bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror, and I remember thinking that I was unrecognizable. And in that moment, I knew that if I did not make a decision, there was no way that I would ever be able to look in that mirror again. And it sounds very dramatic, but that was literally my thought. And I had looked in that mirror for a decade, right? I woke up every morning, curl my hair there. And that morning, I realized that I had dealt with so much, I had compromised so much of my worth and my integrity that if I went one more day, I wouldn't be able to come back from it and I would not be able to face the woman looking back at me. And so I had a choice. And believe it or not, I filed for divorce that day. I climb, like literally within hours, I climbed into my bed and I called, which is another story, another day, because don't do this. Do not just pick up the phone and the first person that answers the phone and is like, yeah, I can file your divorce today. Like, don't do that. But that's what I did. That's what I did because I kept thinking, if I can't look myself in the mirror, how am I supposed to expect my son to look at me and value me as a mother and love me unconditionally as a mother? Right? That's asking a lot from a child who's looking at you to guide them, right? But at the same time, I can't look at myself.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So I think that's that's like I think that a lot of women actually experience that. I'm glad that you shared that because I feel like I had a moment, it wasn't a mirror moment, but I feel like everybody has the emotional, a moment where they have just had enough and they don't want their children to see their pain. Like they don't want to see, I didn't want my children to see how I was being treated. I didn't want them to see how I was treating their father as well, because it was just not like it was very combative. So I get that, I get that. I'm glad you shared that because that's that's real, that is real. We all have that moment, and anybody that's listening, take that moment, take that moment. No regret. I remember sitting in my moment was uh just sitting in my stairwell screaming at God. I just said make it stop, like make it stop, take it away, I can't. And then I knew like something had to be done. So yes, that's that's hard, but it's for the children. It truly is, and um I don't know about your situation yet, but my I am grateful for how mine turned out, and all my kids get to see me happy and they get to see their dad happy, and it's just a little bit better. Uh what role did your background in education play in shaping the way you advocate for your son?
SPEAKER_04:Every part of that. And not only did it so I have to sell, I have to share this. My son was three months old, and he was laying in our little fancy bassinet, right? And my his father said, you know, uh he's funny, he's just like you. And I was like, What do you mean? He's like, you know, he expressed everything annoys him, and when it annoys him, you know, like you know about it. And he's like three months, so I kind of giggled. I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, he hates when the heater turns on. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, watch this. So he walks down the hall and he turns on the heater, and instantly he's like when it cuts on. And my ex-husband is laughing, and my heart stopped. It stopped dead in his tracks because I knew I knew then. And so that was when he was three months old. I spent the next year holding my breath, like checking all the milestones, like being super paranoid. But in my soul, I knew, and so knowing, I think empowered me to be able to take early action. But also when you're a parent and you think something is wrong, and I'm using air quotes for that with your child, um, because I will say my son is perfect, and I don't feel bad about saying that. Um, but when you feel like something's wrong, you're looking for a doctor to tell you that you're wrong and there's nothing going on. And doctors will tell you that. And as a parent, you're like, great, you know, like some kids walk late, some kids talk late, and you're you're th and I didn't take that. I didn't take that because I knew better. I knew it wasn't right. And um, my son was also uh hearing impaired. I took him to three different audiologists before someone was able to tell me, like, hey, yeah, he's hearing impaired. Most parents don't do that, and it's not at any fault of anyone's. When he was born, he failed his hearing test. I was a first-time mom. I didn't know. They're like, oh, that happens to babies. I'm like, oh great. He failed it the second time. I'm like, now what? They're like, oh, we'll come back tomorrow. They come back tomorrow and they're like, he passed. I'm like, oh great, I'm happy. Just like, you know, and obviously my education didn't have to do with that, but that is a typical parent's response. And so my education really empowered me to push back. And ironically, it has really enabled me and empowered me to push back on individuals in authority that have the power to say yes or no when it comes to your child. And it's actually been um an interesting experience because they will say things that I know dead bang are wrong. I had a school tell me they wanted to give my child an assessment before I moved placement. And I was like, you do realize that those scores are invalid. He was just tested six months ago. Clinically, you can't deliver that same exact test. It's it's gonna cancel the score out. Well, I wouldn't expect an ordinary parent to know that. And so when I say it, it literally empowered me to advocate for him in every way. Absolutely. I mean, it it really did. And it's sad because I mean, I spent my entire career and I still struggle with getting him the things that he needs. And so it breaks my heart to know that there are other mothers and fathers out there, right? Just parents in general that have to go through that.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. That's hard. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Right.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:You described yourself as a resilient expert. What does resilience mean to you now compared to how you might have defined it before these life changes?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, this is a good one. I was always described as resilient, and I'll be honest with you, I don't like that word. It's not, it's not a word that I've ever grown comfortable with, mostly because I've always been described as resilient. And so, what resilient meant to me was literally the way that people described it. It was like, we can throw you in the fire and you'll come out alive. That is not a flex. I'm like, yes, I may come out, but I mean, woo. And so I will say that was what resilience meant to me before. And that was what I did. It was like, no matter what you threw my way, I could take on, I'd come out, I wouldn't ask for help. Um, and I and I persevered. I persevered. I did, you know, I got diagnosed with MS. I went back to work the next day. So what? I had a miscarriage in the bathroom at work one time. Went to the hospital, went back to work the next day. And so I just kept bouncing back from one thing after another. And that was what resilience was. Well, I will not lie, this situation, I mean, ending a marriage is hard. It's like really hard. Having a child, right, that you would do anything for, the only person in the world that knows what my heart feels like on the inside, need you and to feel like you're failing them. I couldn't come back from that. There was no burn out of the fire, right? Now, I mean, I guess, and on paper and pen it was, right? Because I was able to advocate for him successfully, you know, and get him the things that he needed. Um, but it it that was not the same. Like that was not the same. Resilience for me now is really me being able to make changes, right? Make change within myself, sometimes change within the communities. Um, and that's part of like with my advocacy role, but it's not about surviving and coming out on the other side. It's about changing so that you never end up back on the side that you just came from. Because resilience before was this never-end a cycle of me being thrown into the fire and coming out alive, thrown into the fire, coming out alive. And now it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not gonna do this. We've been down this road before. And so I'm going to search internally and figure out what is it, what I'm gonna own what I need to do within me to make sure that I don't end up in this fire again. And what do I need to change systematically within my family, within my culture, within my like my environment to make sure that we're not repeating the same things.
SPEAKER_01:That's good. That's really good.
SPEAKER_04:I've never heard like that before. I love that. I like you said at the beginning, I've been through a lot.
SPEAKER_00:That's really good. Um I have to ask though, during the time I have questions so that I don't go off on tangents because I will go off on a tangent and what's in terms of an hour. Um, but I want to ask, like when you were going through those hard times and you were being resilient, what made you push through? What made you or kept you so strong in those times when a lot of people would crumble? I would probably not come back to work for a while, you know, take my time.
SPEAKER_04:What so somewhere, and I don't know when I adopted this. Um I'm in therapy, by the way. Let's let's put that out there. So and and my therapist helped me uncover this. Somewhere along it probably happened when I was fairly young. I associated my worth with how strong I could be. And so in my mind, I didn't have a choice because the more that I could bounce back and the stronger that I was, the higher my value, the higher my worth. Uh, which is probably why I ended up divorced, right? Because I was like, I can't take any more of this. You know, I can't. But but that that's the reality of it. And I was always chasing the next thing, right? Um, like you don't know this, but I graduated from high school at 16, right? And I was like, I want to go straight to college. Like, I don't, I don't even care. I don't even have a driver's license yet. I only have a permit, but I'm going to college, you know, and I mean very kid-like things. Like I remember telling my aunt, like, I'm gonna drive, I'm gonna drive a Mercedes, I'm gonna buy a Mercedes when I'm 18. And I'm a kid, I'm like 14 years old. Like, you know, that's what kids say. And I'll never forget on my 19th birthday, I drove up to my parents' house in one. And which don't do that either, right? Like, do not finance that. Like I said, but I think the point is is that I always was chasing the next big accomplishment, the next big thing. And I really placed my value in my performance. And so it was like, yeah, you're throwing this my way, but if I can come out on the other side different and stronger, you know, then my worth increases. And so when I moved into this transition, it was like like worth went out the window because my son became my priority. And so I could care less what I looked like, felt like. I mean, half the time I looked like someone drug me to hell, but but I was there and he looks great. But I that was what it was, and and now in this phase, like there's things where, like, yeah, could I probably come out of that? Yeah, but am I going to? Absolutely not. I am going to take the time that I need, like a normal sane person, because my worth is not defined by my performance.
SPEAKER_00:Good. Yeah. Amazing. Um, in the like a spectration. No, in your article to the women standing on the edge, or to sorry, in your article to the woman standing on the edge, you wrote about being torn down and robbed of the life you thought you'd have. How did you turn that pain into purpose?
SPEAKER_04:I can definitely relate to being mad and not having the life that I well, it's funny because if you ask me now, I have the life, right? Like, and this is what I really had to had to realize is the life that I wanted and that I was, and I'm using air quotes again, that I was robbed of was one that I was so unhappy with. Right? But it looked really pretty, right? It it you know, I had the Christmas pictures and I used to host for Thanksgiving, and all 30 people are there, and I've cooked for three days, right? And so it looked really pretty, but I was not happy. And so I had to realize that at the end of the day, and I would, I mean, I don't know the statistics on this, and so I'm not gonna state, but most people just want to be happy, right? And so then it came back to that performance thing where it's like I'm performing so that I look happy, but I really want to be happy, and that's the life that I have now, and it just doesn't look like what I thought. Help doesn't cut like I remember I used to always say, I don't have any help, I'm doing this all by myself, and that's a lie. I don't have help from the people that I think should help me, right? And I had to admit that to myself because I got a girlfriend right now that I could call right now and be like, I need you to come, and she'd be on her way, right? That is something that is invaluable, right? That is something that you can't put a price on, but because it's not the person that I wanted to come, then I all of a sudden say, like, oh well, I was robbed of this life, but I wasn't. I have been happier than I've ever been in my entire life over the course of the last three and a half years. And the reason why that's such a tragedy is because I went through so much. But even in my darkest days, right? And when I mean dark, I mean dark, like crying on the bathroom floor, like barely able to get up. I lost like 45 pounds. I mean, it was bad. I never once regretted my decision. And that's what I want women to know is like, yeah, it's painful. It's not gonna be easy. I'm not gonna lie to you. It's going to be dark. But even in those darkest moments, I mean, like trying to figure out where the next, you know, how's gonna pay the next bill, get my son here, gas in the car. Like, I mean, it's rough. Yeah, never once did I regret my decision. I never thought, like, I should have done, I should have gone back, like never. Never.
SPEAKER_00:That's good because every bill time I regret my decision. Like, maybe I could have just been a little nicer. Maybe I could no.
SPEAKER_04:Well, you know, it's so funny too because and my girlfriends will tell you this. I've got the same group of girlfriends that I've had since I was 12. And they will tell you this. I will tell them in a heartbeat, stay. I'll never tell a woman to leave. Stay. You stay until you can't take any more. Because that's what I did. I tried the couples counseling, I tried the therapy, I tried everything so that when you walk away, you can do that confidently, comfortably, as comfortable as possible, with no regrets. And so I was able to really be in that space because I never had those thoughts of well, what if I had just tried therapy? What if I had just gone an extra session? Because I did. I did an extra session and then another one. What if we had taken like a vacation together? Like I exhausted every opportunity because I grew up sort of in a split home. My mom married when I was very young. I was, I don't know, two or three years old. Um, but they divorced when I was 19 and my whole world blew up, which is why I was adamant about leaving when my son was young. Because the older that children get, the harder it is. It's not what we typically are, you know, raised to think. I was grown for all intents and purposes, and I take my parents' divorce hard, really hard. I mean, harder than I could ever imagine. And my middle sister had a really hard time, and my baby sister just kind of rolled, right? Like she just was like, this is what it is. And that's not to say that divorce is easy on any child, but it's difficult. And so I just kept asking myself, can I see myself here in 18 years? No, no, you know, and I just kept trying and trying and trying so that when I walked away, I I could do that confidently. And still to this day I still feel that way, you know. Um I I tried everything, there was nothing else left to try.
SPEAKER_00:That's good. That's good for you for trying everything. Some people, you know, they try everything or they don't, they're not able to. I don't know, whatever the case may be, but yeah, when you know it's not working, yeah, it's not working.
SPEAKER_04:I do want to say this because I'm sure there is someone that is going to send this to my in-laws and everyone else. I I I will say this. I know that I tried everything possible, but I think that everyone's debt is different. And I will give my ex-husband credit. I believe that he did too. I truly believe that he tried to the best of his ability and whatever capacity he had to make our marriage work. I I do truly believe that.
SPEAKER_00:That is kind of he's like at least, yeah. Mine, I I I said that we could go to therapy and he chose to not. He chose to move on because it's someone else who doesn't know him, which is fine too. Um they're getting married next year. That's great. Yeah, that's great.
SPEAKER_04:This is great. I wish mine and we would get married.
SPEAKER_00:Oh man. What advice would you give moms listening right now that I feel like she's standing on the edge?
SPEAKER_04:You're in hell already anyway. You know. Can it get worse? Yeah. But once you hit that rock bottom, there's only up from there.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I feel like the biggest challenge, like once you find your community, because um that was good what you said, like you might not you have help, but it just doesn't look like the help that you want it to look like. Um, I have a community around me now that I realize that I've had, like, best friends that I've had for 15 years who don't have children, but they grew up, you know, with younger siblings, and so they're like amazing with kids. And I'm I had no idea. And so now I have like uncles that they I can call on for my kids to absolutely, absolutely.
SPEAKER_04:That's so important. And I think sometimes when we're in the situations that we're in, we don't realize how much help we have. So I moved out of our marital home and I moved in with my mother, and then for litigation reasons, I needed to find a place to live immediately, like before my next hearing. Sign the first place I look, at least on the first place I look, I you know, saw. But we didn't have anything, you know, and so it's like I'm paying first and last, and I, you know, like it's there's all of these expenses. And one of my girlfriends was like, why don't you just put together an Amazon wish list? She's like, just put everything on there that you need. And I did like everything from the tide to mattress to I mean, just everything that I needed. And when I say, I mean, there were people that I worked with like a decade ago. Um, I guess I don't know if they were sharing it or what happened, but every day there were just things showing up to my home. Like just showing up, and they did for the entire first year. Like it'd be a like, you know, six months later, I like come home and then there's like two boxes of Tide and toilet paper on my porch. Um, and so I think that when you when your heart is gold and you move in the way that you are destined to, right? And I never, I never once, I never altered who I was, right? I always remained as kind as possible, right? You know, and I always operated with integrity, and that's been consistent my whole life. And so that experience really let me know that not only did I have help, but that I also like that had a lot to do with me and who I was as a person for people to come through like that for me. Um, and and honestly, it saved us just being very honest.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that is that's amazing. I didn't even think about putting a wish list together, but recently, um, like I am living paycheck to paycheck, it's great, it's crazy. I think I need to like find a roommate or something, but it's hard. I don't want to like just find a roommate to stay with me and my children. So I'm just doing whatever I can to make it work, and so you know, it's funny because there's so many resources out there that people don't realize.
SPEAKER_04:So I went through a program called Operation Hope, right? And it's funny because I was like, Yeah, I'm living paycheck to paycheck. And I met with, and it's it was completely free, it's a nonprofit. And the girl sat down with me, she's like, I want to see your bank statements. And I was like, okay. And she went through them with me and she tore them to shreds. She was like, hair, nails, uh, why are you spending$500 at the grocery store? Like, yes, I know everything's expensive. And she put me on the strictest budget I've ever been in in my life. And I was in that space where I was like, I came from a place where I would go to the grocery store and I never even looked at what prices were. I just threw it in the cart. You know, I I don't know. I mean, like, thank, I mean, I and I'm grateful for those moments, but also that was a little silly. And so um, it was it was a great program for me. Uh it really opened my eyes to where it's like, okay, you know what? I can definitely get smarter about spending. I'm a single mom now. Um, and it's it's definitely, definitely been helpful. But I have put together wish for lists for so many moms going through this process. I'm like, nope, what do you want? No, we want the good towels. Let's add the good towels on there because you are in the darkness right now. You want to be able to get up and take a shower with a good towel.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my gosh, that's amazing. I have to look that up, Operation Hope. We'll have to put that in the in the bio so our listeners can find that if they need resources too.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, and the the coach that I got, Alejandro, was amazing, amazing.
SPEAKER_00:Um, what have been some of the biggest challenges of navigating single parenthood for you personally?
SPEAKER_04:I always tell this story when anyone asks me that. So you hear about the married single mom, and then you know, and I thought I was one of those, but this was the moment. This was the moment. We moved into our new place, and I moved about, I mean, it's LA. So it's about a 45 to an hour drive, right? Even though we're not that far from my mom, and and you know, and it's like 2 a.m. And my son is only 15 months, I breastfit, and my period comes. And I have nothing. And I'm like, wow, it's 2 a.m. I cannot tell my husband I'll be back. I like I gotta run to this, like, what am I going to do? And that was the moment when I was like, oh, you're a real, real single mom, like for real, for real. And a lot of the other things I think that whether you're single or not, like you deal with those things, like, you know, I gotta cook dinner and I'm tired. But those are the moments where I'm like, oh, you know, um, I had another where because I have MS, my son can't go with me to um MRIs. So what do I do with him? Where do I send him? He's the special needs child, right? Like, at I mean, he's in school now, but at like when I left, he was 15 months old, right? And listen, I'm not leaving my kid with just anyone, you know, and I'm in this like heavily litigated divorce where we're like at odds and What do I do? And so that was like really the most challenging things, or like I have to have a treatment. Like I go into treatment every you know six months, and I'm there all day hooked up to an IV. What do I do? Matter of fact, my last treatment I did, I dropped him off at his dad's house. His dad took him to school, but I still had to pick them up. So they like unhook me and I'm like, like, let me pick you up. Let's get you home. So those are those are the challenges I would say that are really difficult for me as a single mom. Um, it's not not being able to do some things that are just necessary, all right. They're necessary, so I can't not do them. I can't not have my treatment, I can't not have an MRI. But like having to put together this puzzle piece of like, how do I make this happen?
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_04:That that's the biggest challenge.
SPEAKER_00:Gosh. I will say that newborn diapers are great pads.
SPEAKER_04:Anyone that needs that you are about three years too late. That would have been very helpful, and I can't believe I didn't think of that.
SPEAKER_00:I'm sorry, but I honestly had the same issue one time. And I was like, oh my gosh, what do I do?
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_04:So that's a thing. I don't feel bad now. That's an actual thing that happens. That's a thing, yeah.
unknown:Yep.
SPEAKER_00:And I had two because I have my son, my son is five and my daughter is two. So when she was born, he was what, three.
SPEAKER_04:So yeah, it was I door dashed it. I did door dash it, I will say that. But you know, that's a new thing. That's a newer or newer thing. Like that was not always available.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and calling on your community the other day, I was so hungry and so tired. Excuse me, I just yelled, I was so hungry and so tired. So I called my aunt and I said, Can you please send us some food? I don't know if cooking, I'm so tired. And obviously, we need to eat, or the kids need to eat. You don't have to send me anything.
SPEAKER_04:Isn't it funny how we throw ourselves like like I don't need to eat at all? Like, I don't need anything. Nope. I don't even need water.
SPEAKER_00:Just send the baby some food, I'll be good. Uh yeah, but she wound up sending me a steak, Sally. It was really good. You've spoken about systematic designs at stepmother's back. Uh or sorry, the stepmother's up to fail. Can you unpack? Oh, but before we do that, can we start a new video? Thank you, because we're about to it's about to end in a minute.
SPEAKER_04:Um hang up and call that and I can back in.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, do we log back in the same one? The same room? Okay, we'll control that. The part where you went back to school and got your M M D my MED, yeah. It's amazing. Amazing, so that you could advocate and better. Now I under really understand what you meant by advocate for your son. You really can advocate and stand up for and teach your son. That is Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I I actually it's actually in special education. So I I was an educator before I went to school for my bachelor's uh to be a teacher, and I had worked in education and then I worked in for-profit education. So I had completed my master's program and got him an MBA. I was like, done. And then I was like having such a hard time just getting things in order for him. I lost my job. I got laid off. I've been there like a decade. And I was like, what am I gonna do? Like, I just felt so, I felt like a loser. I felt so worthless. And so I enrolled in. I feel I get how crazy that sounds now, but I was like, in the moment, right? I was like, well, I could just go back to school and then I'll be doing something. I'm like, I don't even know what I would go back for. And I was like, you know what? Special it. Special it. And then I don't have to fight this fight as hard. Yeah, you know, I I'll have the tools that I need.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that is amazing. Everybody take note. Take note. We can all do that. It's like Beyonce has the same amount of hours, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my goodness. Uh, I lost where we were in my questions, of course. Um, you're about to hit me with a big one. I can feel it. Well, I think before we got cut off, I was asking you sp uh about the designs that are set up for mothers to fail. Uh the systems that are set up for mothers to fail. Can you unpack uh that for us? And what systems do you see holding moms back?
SPEAKER_04:So the family law system or the family court system is the belly of the beast. It's one of the most brutal experiences I've ever had in life. Um law is up to the interpretation of the individual setting the standard. And the definition of child's best interest is up to the interpretation of who's ever speaking at that moment. Um and so I to condense this down and not make it really long and lengthy, this is a system that has that needs to be broken down to the ground and rebuilt. And it was a system that originally, um, and I'm gonna get a lot of slack off of this one. Originally, there was a lot of issues where mothers were automatically assigned custody, automatically given maximum child support, and a lot of fathers did not have the opportunity to be involved, right? And so there was this huge push to change that. But whenever you're dealing with a systematic issue, there's never a one size fits all, and you're dealing with humans, right? These are children. And so then we adopted this. Well, you know what? To avoid that, we're gonna just automatically assign 50-50, so you know, child care, right, whatever, whatever you want to call it, which is also not accurate. Um, but the reason why it's set up for mothers to fail is because, and I'm just gonna say it and I don't even care, unless you're dirt poor, right? And are in is in a situation where you just need, you know, a couple hundred dollars or whatever, um, you're screwed. You know, I walked into court in the first go around, they told me I owe child support, right? So it was, it is, I mean, and and let's be clear, like we have a very complex, we had a very complex case, but when you are in the middle class and you are an educated woman in America, and I am a woman of color, you walk in there automatically at a disadvantage. And my ex-husband and I, we are not on the worst of terms now. We had an IEP meeting and I lost my shit. I mean, respectfully. And I was like really upset. And so, you know, we hired an attorney, we get off the phone and I call him, and he's like, you know, yeah, like I agree with you and this and that. And I was like, you know what pisses me off? He's like, what? I'm like, I'm in there, I'm the one with the master's in education, I'm the one with 16 years experience, and I'm the one that's raising him on a consistent basis, taking him to everything. And nobody wants to hear what I want to say. I said, they asked you one question, and your response was, and I like jokingly was like, no. And he laughed, and I was like, but it's not funny. And he said something to me that will stick with me forever, especially coming from him, because we haven't always been on the best of terms. He said, Welcome to America. And he did. They asked him one question, and he was like, No. And then it's like, I like you say that, and it's like gold. My ex-husband's tall, and you know, so I'm four foot ten for those of you who don't know. Me too. So when I walk into the place, like, my my I gotta be smart, I gotta, you know, and so he walks in and he's just like, no, we're not doing that, like just very calmly, you know. And then they're like, All right, sir, on to the next thing. And it's infuriating. I'm like, you don't know anything about education, right? Like, that's not even your field. And you know, he works a lot, and so my son is primarily with me. And I would so that's what I mean when I say it just systematically, it's just not set up for us to be able to survive, especially if you are in that that middle class area. I remember a judge laughed at me. She was like, he's in music. She's like, I mean, what is he doing? Beating a drum? And I would be flat out. I don't know that if I was a different color, that that would have been an issue, right? You know? So it's just systematically not built for us. We're frowned upon, right? I mean, men say that they're divorced and women are fawning all over them, and employers are like, oh, that's not a problem. We'll still hire you, right? You walk in, you say you're divorced, and uh, God forbid you say you have a special needs child, you're unhirable, right? Because I don't want to deal with someone that's calling in and out every day and has to leave. And you're a single mom, and so like you don't have the time to commit to the job, and it's just a completely different standard, right? Right? And it doesn't really like and like dude, like I I mean I'm independent, I take care of myself, I take care of my son, but that does not matter.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I agree with you, and that's why like knock on wood, my ex and I have agreed to not go through the system because I have a deep fear of it, and for now he respects that.
SPEAKER_04:I will say this while I have an audience. I believe that if you can reach any sort of agreement outside of court, do that, but file it with the court because when someone gets married or remarried or has a boyfriend, that's when everything blows up. But I truly believe that going in front of a judge is suicide for you, for your ex-pouse, for your children. It is my son suffered more than anyone, right? I mean, we're adults, so I will definitely say that. Like as a single mom, if you guys can reach any sort of agreement, which ultimately we did, and ultimately, I think what is it like 95% of cases end up settling? So ultimately it is reached, but there's a lot of money spent in that in between. So I highly encourage if you guys can anyone can reach a resolve, reach that, but file it with the courts.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, we need to file it, but yeah, we've reached it. Yeah, he can he's getting married next year, so get on.
SPEAKER_04:Now everything blows up. Like not saying that it would, but then everything blows up now because you know, I think change. Things change. Like I said, I was a stepmother, you know. You dynam, and I mean, he we had a son, like things change, dynamics change. And so I think that it's a great thing when when people can agree. I think that that's gonna always be in the best interest of a child. No one knows your kids better than you and your your your your child's father, yeah. But at the same time, I do believe that there needs to be some sort of opportunity to enforce if necessary.
SPEAKER_01:I agree, I like that. That's important.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, and his the wedding is in New Zealand, and I have I I don't agree with the children going because it's a country.
SPEAKER_04:But we have agreed to that. So that's a great thing. I think it's a beautiful thing. Uh you know, I mean children don't ask to come here, they're innocent, you know, and at the end of the day, regardless of how I feel about my son's father, he loves him. Yeah, he loves him because he's a superhero. He's like, God, he's so strong, he's so big, and you know, like the other day he asked me, he was like, Mom, do you love dad?
SPEAKER_03:And I was like, Of course I do.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. They know what they're doing too.
SPEAKER_04:Right, right. I was like, I'm trying to be a good parent. Now he's gonna go back and be like, Dad, mom says he he loves you still. Like, I'm like, here we go.
SPEAKER_01:That's cute.
SPEAKER_00:It's not yeah, I I don't how old is your son again?
SPEAKER_04:He's only four. Four, yeah. Smart.
SPEAKER_00:My son said that he wanted us to live in an apart at an apartment complex. He's like, I want us to live there. And like you can live on the top, and dad can live on the bottom. Like, that is great. That would be really, really great for people that could get along. That would be really awesome and really great for the kids. But not so much for us to uh I do have more questions about step mom, but let's do it.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, at this point I'm born at all, and I did not plan to, so let's just do it.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I have not met the person that's gonna be my children's stepmom yet. Two years? Three years? I don't know. It'll be three years next year, I think. I don't know. But I know that she's nice to them. I've talked to her once. Um But yeah, like how do you just walk in and be someone's mother figure? What is that like?
SPEAKER_04:I don't. I remember so it was so cute. My stepdaughter, she was maybe like five at the time. And my ex-husband, he wants to go pick her up from school. And at this point, I've met the kids, we're engaged, right? Like, it's a thing. Actually, I don't know if we were engaged or we were like very close to it. And so he goes to pick her up from school and she's like, Daddy, I made a bracelet for your friend. And he's like, My friend, like, what is she talking about? Like, who's my friend? She's like, Chanel. And I thought it was the cutest thing because in her little world, I was just daddy's friend. And and there will be times when they would be like, I want to go to Chanel's house to play. Like, I was like, I was literally like their friend. And so um, I would say you don't, you don't step into that. I I definitely tried my best to not overstep. Um, I believe in having private conversations with your husband about what goes on in your house and letting him navigate with the external parties what that looks like. Um if my ex-husband decides to get remarried, I'll be honest with you, and I I bet you no one will probably agree with me, but I don't care if I meet her because at the end of the day, I don't have to be around her. I don't have to, I don't even have to like her. So there's really no reason for me to. As long as my son is happy, and I will say this, I do trust that my ex-spouse would not be marrying someone that was going to mistreat our son. I never mistreated his other two children, you know, and not that they would have even been allowed if I tried. And so I do trust that that wouldn't happen. So unless my son is telling me, you know, that something's wrong, like I don't, I don't care. I mean, I'm sure I'll see her at a baseball game or something, and I'm like, eh, you know, I'll become a nice, and then I'm I'm not there, like I keep it pushing. Like I just I have so much on my plate and so many things to actually deal with. I don't believe in adding unnecessary items. And I deem that as an unnecessary item and a way to control things, you know, and I that was something that I had to let go of. Like, I can't control everything. When we divorce, when I file for divorce, I let go of a lot of that control. And so I don't have a say in a lot of those things. Are there things that happen that I don't like? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, like I'm taking my son to Disneyland tomorrow. I didn't ask my ex for permission. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So that'll be so fun. I was just gifted Disneyland tickets. I'm so thankful. I have to shout out to my friend. She uh gifted my little family some tickets.
SPEAKER_04:So, friends, we have the the that's that's the tribe, the tribe that comes through.
SPEAKER_00:And I was literally like, I don't know, everybody was talking about the beginning of September and manifesting things, and I was like, okay, I'll try it. So I really wanted to be able to take my babies to Disney for my little girl's birthday. And I wanted my son to do a summer, uh not a summer camp, uh Monday science camp thing that's like every Monday after school, but it was like a hundred and something dollars, and I could not afford it. So I was just thinking about these things, and all of a sudden, like my I just re- I put it out on Facebook, and uh my cousin and two friends, they were like, We'll help you. And then um my friend came through with the Disney tickets. I didn't even put that out there at all. I was just like, I guess I mentally and spiritually put it out there, but I didn't say anything about it. And my friend um said, Hey, uh, we have got these tickets and we want them. So yeah, I think thinking positive and manifesting things can truly be a blessing, truly happen. Uh see, I went off on a tangent.
SPEAKER_04:It's all good. Uh I hadn't said something I'm not supposed to say yet. So that's good. Good, good.
SPEAKER_00:Uh what changes do you wish uh schools and workplaces could make or would make to better support mothers, especially single mothers, um, and those parenting with children with disabilities?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, you know what's so funny. I mentioned I had an MBA, so this is a challenging question because I do understand the business aspect of things, right? Like I wholeheartedly do. Um I think it's it's honestly not an employer issue. I'm gonna get slack for this one too. I think it's our it's it's uh it's another systematic issue, right? Where child care should not cost an entire paycheck, right? Like you can't work if you don't have anywhere to take your children. And it's really not on the the burden shouldn't be on the employer to supply child care, right? Because I pay taxes, right? You pay taxes, and so I think it's more of a systematic problem. Now, I will say that my prior employer was amazing, right? They offer hybrid work, they offered, you know, lots of things. And I work 100% remote now with my current employer, they are amazing when it comes to accommodating me. But I also don't feel that that is a an employer's responsibility. I think that that's an amazing gesture for them to do, but that goes back to that systematic issue where why is our system built in a manner where it is so difficult and so impossible, you know, to work and take care of children, right? If the standard work schedule is nine to five, why do after school programs close at five? Right. I think that's more of like the bigger conversation. And if if uh you know, whatever, if if the rate of, depending on what county you're in, of of minimum wage is whatever it is, it cannot match the wage of childcare, right? Like, I think those are some of the bigger conversations because when, and that's part of that resilience where I'm like, no, no, no, we have to make a change. Like, yeah, I survived the child care error, and now, like, yes, my kid is in school and I had a great employer, and that's great that they did those things. But at the same time, if I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd be right back in the same situation. And that's a systematic issue because you can't dictate the way an employer operates and navigates those things. I think humans should have compassion, right? And so I I think that would be my only answer to that. If you're you have an employee that's going through a hard time, you have some compassion, but that's a systematic issue.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. That makes sense. Welcome to America.
SPEAKER_00:Glad you put it that way, because I asked my job if I could be late some days, not every day. I think it came out to about 12 days out of the semester to take my kids to school. And they said no. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Like I said, you you have some compassion, you know. I mean, like, would I say no in a situation like that? No. Do I find it utterly ridiculous? Yes. But like, hypothetically speaking, whether they said yes or no, you switch jobs next week and you're right back in the same situation. And so the bigger problem is like, why are our systems built like this? Like, if I have to work from nine to five, school can't start at 8 15 and I live in LA, and you're requiring like I have to be like it just it just doesn't work that way.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Well, say, as an autism mom, what's the biggest learning curve that you have um learned? We'll move into your advocacy and autism motherhood.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, this one's easy. So when my son says something to me, I have to stop and pause and ask myself, is this actual disrespect or not? Right? That because he's so pure and he's so honest. The other day he asked me, because I've been trying to lose weight, I gained some weight back, and he's like, Mom, and I was like, Yes. Do you like being fat? And I was like, first of all, I am. So I can't even get mad at this point in relation to what he remembers me being. And I was like, no, I don't. And he was like, well, then why are you? You know, and so I just because everything with him is so literal, I have to remind myself and stop and give pause because he doesn't mean any harm by it, you know. Um, and I I really had to break all of the things that I was learning, you know, he's like, why? Like he really wants to know why. And so I find myself having to give pause a lot because he's so inquisitive and I want to embrace that. I never want to stunt his ability to be creative and you know, stop his intellectual abilities, you know. But sometimes, whoo, baby hits me with some questions and some things, and um, and and sometimes they're complex. There's they're complex. He asked me one day, he was like, Are you gonna get married? And I was like, uh, I wasn't planning on it. And he was like, Well, you can marry me. And I was like, No, like that's not how that works because he's four. Yeah, he's like, but you married dad, and I was like, Yeah, I did, you know, and he's like, Well, will you marry dad again? And I'm like, no, and now I can feel myself going into the quicksand, you know. Um, so like that that's challenging um because you wanna you wanna answer, you want to support, you know, but but some questions they just come across. It's very difficult to answer, you know. But I do. I have to give pause and I have to say, like, is he even being disrespectful or is he just being honest?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. I mean, kids are like that. My son does that too. He and then some he'll he told me that he wanted me to marry him. He's so sweet. And then she's like, that doesn't, that's not how it works. Um, but yeah, and then he'll say that he does not want me to get married now. Now he doesn't want me to have a boyfriend because I guess I guess he now that his dad has a girlfriend and stuff, he knows what that's like. He'll know that somebody else around.
SPEAKER_04:I can't brace myself for that one. I have, I'll say this. I have dated. Yeah, good for you. I I did I I took some time off and I didn't for the first little bit of time, and then I did. I I I I dated and I was seeing someone for some time. Like, I cannot believe like but my I I haven't involved unless it's a permanent thing, obviously you you know, you don't meet my kid. So my son is oblivious to the fact that like he doesn't even really understand what that means. Like if I had a boyfriend, but I should brace myself because I'm sure that's gonna come up.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Um, let's see. How has advocacy both for your son and yourself um helped you find your own voice? Sorry, that question is phrased wrong. How has advocacy uh both for you and your son? No, how has advocacy both for your son and for others helped you find your own voice? Okay, there we go.
SPEAKER_04:I've always had a lot to say, if you can't tell from this interview. I think it was more of I just had more passion behind it because I wasn't speaking for me, but I was speaking for my son and for others. Um, I don't know that it made me find my voice, the advocacy. I think what made me find my voice was that day I was looking in the mirror and I wanted my son to love and respect the woman that I was looking at that day that was not gonna be there if I came back tomorrow.
SPEAKER_00:Um, what do you what daily practices or mindsets help you stay grounded and your strength? Or do you do anything daily that helps you?
SPEAKER_04:I do. So there's two things that I stand by. Um actually three. One I meditate. I know it's not for everyone, but the baby sometimes I like I have to in order to be able to get through the day. Two, I ask myself, and this is a big one because when it comes to your children, you know, the mama beer comes out. I ask myself, and I I this goes out to every single mom out there when you are at the fork in the road and there's an issue that comes arise. I ask myself, is this a safety issue? And if the answer is no, I have to let go and let God that really has helped keep my sanity because co-parenting is hard. And you're, I mean, we you don't agree even if you are in a relationship, right? And so it's even more complex when you guys don't live in the same house, don't have the same, you know. So I asked myself when those things come up in that moment, is this a safety issue? If the answer is no, I let it go. And then the other thing is just daily, you know, somebody cuts you off from work, like, you know, driving, whatever. I asked myself, what control do I have in this scenario? And if I have none, I let go and I let God. I really focus on what I can do to change the circumstance and not what everyone else can. Um, and I had to do that, you know, you go through a three-year divorce. You can only focus on you. And so after practicing that actively for three years, it's become part of my life every day. And I think it's part of why I'm so even killed and I'm so calm. You know, like things happen and things are flying off the handle, and I'm just like, well, my thoughts are that's amazing.
SPEAKER_00:I need to get on that synergy. That's the vibe I need to get. Um, what do you hope other moms take away from your story?
SPEAKER_04:You can do it. You can do it just because it's hard, you can do it, and you deserve to be happy. Single motherhood does is not a death sentence, right? Like it's not a I know there's a stigma on it, but it's not. I am happy. My son is thriving, and at the end of the day, I probably like my my Instagram handle is Mama the Damn Year, right? And I stand on that. I stand on that. At the same time, I will openly admit that I would not be that mother that I am today had I stayed in the situation that I was in. I did not have the capacity. And so as we stand here, and any woman that's thinking about it or you know, giving herself a really hard time, think about what you can't pour from an empty cup. What is Is it that you have the capacity for? And if you are working on very limited capacity in your current situation, you're not going to be able to show up for your kids anyway. And if you are in and you've left and you're in that tox, that that you're out of the toxic environment and you are just surviving, right? Because that's that's the phase where you're just surviving. Don't be so quick to get caught up in the survival that you don't stop and enjoy that you no longer have an empty cup. Because when you don't have to deal with that toxicity, nine times out of ten is fine, let's just call it financial situations. It's the finances that are stressing us out. But remember when maybe the finances weren't such a big deal, but everything else was. That it came from his love.
SPEAKER_00:And what final encouragement would you like to leave with our listeners today?
SPEAKER_04:At the end of the day, no one gets out of life alive. So we only have a limited amount of time to make whatever impact we're gonna make on our children, on the world, and on ourselves. Money is not going to drive how that happens when it happens and you can't take it with you. Don't get so caught up in the minute details of things that you look up and you have missed out on the opportunities to make your mark in the world and make your mark on the children on your children. Because when I am gone and my son is here, I do not want him to mourn me in a way where it cripples him. I want him to feel comfortable and confident that I died, knowing that I loved him wholeheartedly, that I equipped him with all the tools that he needed to be successful in life, and that I will come back and haunt him if he lives miserably.
SPEAKER_00:That's great. I love that. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Your strength and advocacy are proof that even in the fire, purpose can be born. Can you for having me? Of course, can you please share your socials and where everybody can find you? And I'll also link it in the show notes and in the bio. But for now, can you, anyone listening, can you tell us where to find you?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, so I do have a website. It's called the M O Dymanifesto.org and it stands for Mom of the Damn Year. Um, and then my Instagram handle is mom of the damn year. Um, those are the socials that I'm using currently.
SPEAKER_00:Amazing. Thank you so much. It was so nice to talk to you, and I hope that you will come back on the pod and um share more of your wisdom because you have a lot and we just touched the surface. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
SPEAKER_04:Hopefully, it's old wisdom and nothing new comes my way. But yes, I would be honored. Thank you for having me. Great, thank you. Have a good day. All right, bye. Bye.
