Finding Yourself Again After Survival Mode- with Kori

In this episode of The Mommy Pod, Shanta’ Robinson sits down with trauma-informed life coach and neurodivergent advocate Kori for a deeply honest conversation about what it means to lose yourself in survival mode—and find your way back.

After spending over a decade in an emotionally abusive relationship, Kori shares her journey of rebuilding her life, learning to trust herself again, and navigating motherhood while healing.

Together, we talk about:

• Identity loss in motherhood
• Rebuilding self-trust after trauma
• Neurodivergent motherhood (AuDHD)
• Masking, burnout, and nervous system regulation
• Healing while raising children

If you’ve ever felt like you don’t recognize yourself anymore, this episode is your reminder that reclaiming who you are is not selfish—it’s necessary.

You are not too much. You are not not enough.
You are allowed to become yourself again.

https://www.youtube.com/@thekoric
https://instagram.com/only_kori

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FLTRVRYB

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Hi everyone, welcome back to the Mummy Pod, a place where parents can be honest about the beautiful and hard parts of parenting. Today, we're talking about something that so many women and men experience but rarely say out loud. Losing yourself while taking care of everyone else. Our guest today is Corey, a trauma-informed life coach, content creator, and advocate for neurodivergent women and moms. Corey's work is deeply personal. After spending more than a decade in an emotionally abusive relationship, she went through a powerful journey of rebuilding, reclaiming her identity, and learning to trust herself again. While figuring out what life looks like when you're no longer living in survival mode. Now, she helps women, especially neurodivergent moms, reconnect with who they are underneath the expectations, the masking, and the burnout. All right. Corey, thank you so much for being here. Welcome to the Mommy Pod.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah, thank you for having me. I'm absolutely thrilled.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Okay, can you tell us a little bit about yourself before we dive into all the questions that I have for you?

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Sure. So I am a mom of three. I have two adult children, um, both of whom have uh disabilities. And I have an 11-year-old who is probably my mini-me in personality and looks. Um, she's been surprisingly the most challenging of three so far. Um, I live in Albany, New York, and work part-time and working full-time on building my online business back to where I would like it to be. And I also have four cats.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Amazing. I love that you're the one that's most like you is a little difficult, giving you a hard time.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Yes. Yes. She's she is.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Well, in a good way. Oh, good. We're gonna dive right into your story. A lot of women don't realize that they have been living in survival mode until they're finally out of it. Do you remember the moment where you realize I don't even know who I am anymore? And when you've spent years in survival mode, how does that show up in everyday motherhood?

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Well, it looked different for me at different points in my life. And I was in survival mode not long after my older daughter got diagnosed with autism. This was many years ago, before there are all the supports and everything out there that we have now. So Facebook communities weren't a thing. Um, this is really before Google was popular, and definitely no AI to just pop your questions into. So that was like my first experience and encounter with being in survival mode, just in terms of, well, I don't know what to do now. Who do I ask? Who do I turn to? And it, if anything, it impacted my motherhood by just giving me further drive to figure out how to best support my daughter and to figure out how to adapt the environment around her. Um later on, though, with um my youngest, and this was after my youngest was born, I realized I was in survival mode with her, um, which is when I kept snapping at her. My patience level was just next to none. The smallest things were setting me off, and it had absolutely nothing to do with her. It was just everything that was going on around me because I was just trying so hard to just keep it together and to function as a human being and to be there for her and to make sure that the household was being taken care of the way it needed to. So that put me in really bad burnout. Um and it also really forced me to take a look at okay, well, how did I get into this position in the first place and how do I get out of it?

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Yeah. It's really hard. And the burnout is so incredibly hard to get through and to get over.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Especially when you have young children and you're doing it on your own.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Yeah. What were some ways uh that you noticed that your identity had been buried underneath everything that you've been carrying? And is there a moment where you realized that your identity has kind of been taken over?

SPEAKER_00 5:44

Um I would say it was mostly just with my young. Again, this most of my moments are occurring with my youngest. And it was just this epiphany of, you know, previously my identity had been, I was very closely tied to just being a mom. And prior to that, I was someone's wife. My ex-husband and I were together for 12 years, then we divorced, and I was right back into a long-term relationship. So I was always somebody's wife or girlfriend. Um the only time I had been single in my life was about six months when I was 17 years old. So from the time I started dating at the age of 14 to now I'm in my mid-40s, I was always someone's wife or girlfriend. And that became so ingrained in my identity to that point in my life last year. Um, and it just it hit me. It's like, wait a minute, I exist as a human. I have interests, I have, you know, hobbies, I have all the stuff outside of a relationship. So a relationship doesn't need to define me. And being a mom is a huge part of my identity, but it doesn't define everything that I do because before I was a mom, again, I had interests, I had hobbies, and things that were outside of that. And it was just noticing too, like I was on PTA for my youngest daughter's school, and I was getting involved in stuff over there. At the same time, I was getting involved in stuff with the church that I attend. And it just it struck me. It's like, wow, so much of my myself is tied to being a mom and being in a relationship. It's like, why? Why is this? Um, and who am I underneath all of that? If I take all of that away, who am I? And I had a very hard time answering that question. And that was, you know, it's a lot to deal with once you first realize that. Um just because you you've you've built this identity for yourself based on, you know, whatever society expects of you or your family or wherever your environment is. And we just kind of go along with it until we might have just one of those moments, like watching a movie or watching a TV show or listening to a podcast or whatever, and saying it's like, huh, that sounds a lot like my own story.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

So exactly who I am or who am I sounds like because you talked about how you had to uh relearn self-trust. So in discovering who you are, it sounds like you would have to um learn how to self-trust trust yourself to go through that journey of finding out who you are after years of possible self-doubt. Something so many moms and dads and single parents struggle with is what does self-trust actually look like when you're starting from scratch? So, how did you begin listening to your own voice again instead of the voices that told you who you should be? And were there moments during healing where you thought, I don't know if I can do this?

SPEAKER_00 9:30

So it was actually during some of the more difficult times, um, right after my daughter's father and I, the partner, the 12-year relationship, not the marriage, um split. And you know, I was questioning everything. It was before that, I was just questioning everything. It's like, how are we gonna make it? How am I gonna survive? How are we going to you know function? How different is everything gonna be? Because it's obviously it was gonna be very different. And, you know, I just had to think about it to that point. It's like, well, I'm a very self-sufficient person. I was raised pretty independently, and those skills have just come you know, I didn't lose any of that. It was just, you know, realizing that okay, I know how to take care of myself, I know how to take care of my kids, I can keep our household semi-functioning or at least as functioning as it needs to be. My mistake look at the finances, making sure I was okay there. And realizing too, just how not isolated I was. I had a support network around me that was ready to assist in whatever way I needed. Um, all I had to do was ask, which was another, I'd say almost equally difficult as a self-trust part is realizing that it's okay to ask for help. And that doesn't make you weak, it just makes you a human being.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

So yes, we talk about that a lot on our pod, just asking for help and looking to your community, you know, for it. Yeah. Let's switch to being neurodivergent, neurodivergent motherhood. You're very open about AUDHD, and I think a lot of moms and dads are just now learning about neurodivergence in adulthood. What does motherhood look like when you're navigating autism and ADHD at the same time?

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Well, I think what's interesting for me is that my self-discovery of that came when I was looking into how to best support my middle daughter. She is what they consider severely autistic. And I was looking for ways like how do I support her as she goes from her late teens into her 20s. So in the midst of all of this researching, um, this is when my own epiphany moment started. It's like, hey, I identify with this, this sounds really familiar. And that just sent me on this whole little rabbit hole. Um, or ADHD, hyperfocusing, if that's what you I guess I could use that term too. And it just led to that whole search of okay, well, maybe this is why my brain is like this. And so eventually I sought out a diagnosis just so I could figure out um how to really best support myself. And in case I needed to be on medication, I wasn't against it. So I walked into that virtually, um, believing that I was going to walk out with ADHD inattentive. And sure enough, I got that confirmed. And then the woman who diagnosed me said, and you should also highly consider autism level one, or what used to be called a spurger syndrome. And I looked at her and I was like, wait, what? And then it was just thinking about a lot of things that my middle daughter does, um, her stims, some of her triggers and all of that, they're very similar to mine. And the way I had set up the environment at home, it's very structured. It supports her just as much as it supports me. Um, I have a very sensitive nervous system and a very sensitive immune system. I'm not like allergic to the world or anything, just my I have a hypersensitive immune system and experiencing things like that and just realizing it's like, okay, wait. So this is why it takes me, or why I need to do things a certain way, or why I need to have my environment in a certain way, because it's supporting me and I'm, you know, adapting as best I can. And where it's probably impacted me the most in motherhood um is really with my youngest again. So going to her school concerts or going to school events where there's a lot of people and a lot of noise, it's as I've you know come to call it, it's sensory help. Um so I always keep a fidget with me to kind of calm myself down. And I remind myself, it's like this isn't gonna last all day. I always have a program with me so I know the general structure and timing, or at least some sense of timing. So that has helped me tremendously, just you know, having that sense of timing and having the supports, self-supports in place, because again, it can be sensory hell, just as far as the noise, the smell, smells, you everything. Um, but yeah, the noise level is one of the biggest ones. And then being in a crowded environment, I have never done well in large crowds. Even if I know half the people there, I just do not do well in those environments. So yeah, that's been really challenging.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

Wow. It's amazing how doing research to help our children can really help us too in return.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

Do you think that a lot of people feel um like go through life feeling like something's wrong with them when it's really just that their brain works differently?

SPEAKER_00 16:34

I think for quite a bit of us, we just come into these realizations later in life. And maybe, you know, we were the ones wondering, was there something wrong with me? Or when we were growing up, like always wondering why we didn't fit in, or you know, why were we different? And we carried that into adulthood with some sense of shame, I believe. Which we really shouldn't. And yeah, it it just I do think that many of us grow up thinking that there's something wrong with us, or that something is broken when fundamentally there's nothing broken. Um, our brains are just wired differently.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Exactly. I'm so glad that people are being more open and vocal about it because I think that we are really opening up our eyes to the situation, and everybody's different, really. Yeah. Everyone's different, every brain works differently. What are some strengths that neurodivergent parents bring to parenting that don't get talked about enough?

SPEAKER_00 17:43

I think well, for me personally, it would just be the ability to see all of like those little micro details, because we do, we pay attention to all of the micro details. Um to have a higher, I would think, almost sense of sympathy and empathy. Um and, you know, really for those of us who did grow up undiagnosed, it's recognizing that sometimes our kids' struggles are they're just completely out of their control for whatever reason or another. And we're not going to approach that with judgment because that's how what we grew up with. So making sure that our children aren't having to go through all of the same crap, basically, that we did. And I think that's probably been my biggest strength is that I had learned how to self-advocate at a young age and even beyond that, and being able to pass that on to my daughter so she doesn't have to, again, just so she doesn't have to struggle like I did. Yeah. Or ever question if there's something wrong with her, or you know, just not be afraid to be a little bit weird because we're all a little bit weird in our own way. It's just some of us are more open about it than others.

unknown 19:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Yeah. Um, one thing that really stood out to me from your story that I couldn't really relate to is healing while you're raising your children. So that's a lot to carry. What was the hardest part? What was the hardest part about trying to grow and heal while still needing to show up for your kids every day?

SPEAKER_00 19:30

The hardest part about it was realizing that if I wasn't willing to do the work to heal myself, then I was just going to keep repeating the same patterns over and over. And that I couldn't be as emotionally connected to my kids as I wanted to be. Um so I would say that was a big piece of it. And again, with my youngest daughter, especially healing from the situation that I was in, um it meant being able to show her that she didn't have to tolerate that. Then that's not what adult ra relationships look like. And I remember very distinctly telling her, too, it's like if anyone ever treats you like this, get out. Um I don't want her to go through that. Um but yeah, it just it reminded me in a big way that if I didn't take the time to heal or to at least address those core wounds of mine, then I was just gonna keep carrying them and it was going to bleed over into everything else that I did, including motherhood, which was not fair because it meant that my my patience, my emotional awareness, a lot of things were just kind of already tapped. And you you can't parent like that. So yeah, it's hard.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

It is how do you so how do you give yourself grace on days when it feels messy or when you feel like you might not be doing as great as you want to be doing?

SPEAKER_00 21:15

Um, I think the most important thing there is to acknowledge that your children are alive, they have food, they have clothing. Um, your house isn't burning down when you have a house. Uh and I know it almost sounds silly and maybe it sounds trite and almost even tone-deaf, just given the environment that everybody is living in right now. And not to make light of anybody else's situation, but it really is just being grateful for all of those little things that we do tend to take for granted and just being appreciative of that. And you know, sometimes I'll be perfectly honest with my daughter and I will tell her it's like I'm sorry if I messed up or if I failed you. And she said, you know, sometimes she'll most of the time she does, she says she'll under she understands and that you're doing good. So do you hear that coming from your child? I can't tell you how much that meant and what like a boost of confidence that case is like, okay, maybe I'm not messing up as much as I think. And so I think if your children are old enough to have that kind of conversation, it might be worth it once in a while to just check in with each other and just see where you are because it also gives you the opportunity to see where you can improve or what you can keep doing more of. Um and that goes a long way in strengthening a relationship with your kids too.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

Yeah, I agree with that. I actually do that now with my kids and they're five and three, and I check in with them.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

Yeah, I think it's a great habit to get into it.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

That for them that they can have. I love that. That's so sweet. But I know eventually one day they're gonna have some opinions.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Yeah, okay. Enjoy this phase following last.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

Yeah, my best mommy is wonderful. So let's jump into identity identity reclamation. You talk a lot about identity reclamation. That phrase really resonates with a lot of people, especially people that have gone through abusive relationships and have come out on the other side. What does it mean to reclaim your identity?

SPEAKER_00 23:40

Reclaiming your identity. Means that you are erasing the narratives that were very much ingrained in you. So you've come to believe that you aren't enough, that you aren't ever going to be enough. So it erodes your self-esteem, it erodes your self-respect, uh, it erodes your self-trust, it erodes a lot of that self-relationship that we have, which is really dangerous and not a great place to be living from, because then you are you're dependent on somebody else's opinion of you to feel good about yourself, which is terrible. And that for me is a big piece of the identity reclamation. It was okay, well, who was I before I got into this situation? And that also requires a lot of honesty on your part, you know, and just acknowledgement that, okay, so maybe there was part of me that never fully believed in myself. And maybe there is part of me that knows that I could improve in some places. But what is truth versus what is what I've been led to believe is true? And once you can start unraveling that and really looking at it from that perspective, that is when you begin that identity reclamation piece because then you're stepping out of what you have come to believe is true and into what is actually true.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

Yeah, that's really great. How um, what are some small signs that someone can, because I think you just told us how we can start to reclaim our identity. What are some small signs that someone is actually beginning to reconnect with themselves again, that we can see that we're actually beginning to be reconnect with our old selves again?

SPEAKER_00 25:41

I think it's when you start finding the enjoyment in all the little things where that you can reflect on a situation that you're in and realize that you're not bracing, that you're not tense about it, and that you're not waiting for somebody's negative opinion because it's not there. And you just have that moment of like pure enjoyment into something that you may have not had before. Um for me, it was actually very recently, as our church was preparing for um midweek Lenten things and some other activities that we do with other churches in the area. And it struck me that in the entirety of the relationship that I most recently got out of, I wasn't involved in church activities as much as I would like. And I had actually missed almost all of I did. I missed all of Holy Week for like the past three years because I kept making excuses for not why I couldn't be there. And for me, that was a huge, huge deal. And I was learning our choir anthems by listening to them on YouTube instead of going to choir practice because I needed to keep the peace in the household. And it was like just looking back on almost like, why in the world was I sacrificing so much of my life and myself to keep the peace? That's not peaceful at all. It's very stressful.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Right, exactly. Oh, well, good for you. I love that that you noticed that you weren't going back, you weren't going to church as often, and you started to go, and then you realized, hey, I miss this. This is who I am, this is where I should be.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

For the mom or dad who feels too much or not enough. So many of us have been told our entire lives that we're too emotional or too sensitive or too much, or the opposite, that they're not doing enough. Um, what would you say to anyone listening right now who feels like they can be, they can never quite get it right?

SPEAKER_00 27:59

That you are doing it exactly right. And that we all do the best with what we have and what we can and when we can, and that's it. You know, don't that's yeah, that's really it. You're doing exactly what you need to do in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Right. How can we start rewriting the stories that we've been told or have been telling ourselves?

SPEAKER_00 28:30

I think that that it really is, it's just that honesty, it's that reflection and being willing to rip the band-aid off for lack of a better, and just examine all of that and further to be uncomfortable with it because it will make you very uncomfortable and you might not like it at first. Uh, there are times I still don't like it because, like, why did I tolerate all that crap? And it's being very forgiving, not necessarily towards the other person or to whomever or wherever you got these beliefs from, but being forgiving to yourself. And again, reminding yourself, it's like you did the best you could with what you had at that time.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

Yeah. And as your children have watched you rebuild your life and your identity, what do you hope that they have learned about resilience and self-worth from watching you?

SPEAKER_00 29:29

That don't give up. Just don't give up. And it may not always turn out the way you think, but it will things will start to fall into place. Like it just may not happen the way you think it's going to happen at first. But yeah, just don't give up because that's the worst thing that could happen.

SPEAKER_01 29:54

Yeah. That's really good. And Corey, if you could go back and sit with the version of yourself who is still living in survival mode, what would you tell her now?

SPEAKER_00 30:06

It's just what I said. Um, don't give up and that you are doing enough, and that it will get better. And believe in yourself. That's one of the biggest things too, with re-establishing self-trust and the identity reclamation. It's believing in yourself and you know, believing that you have the skills, the ability to survive because you are you're surviving, you're in survival mode. So that's I mean, that's not a small feat at all.

SPEAKER_01 30:45

So well, Corey, thank you so much for sharing your story and your wisdom with us today. I think the biggest takeaway from this conversation is that rebuilding yourself after survival mode is possible. And it's not selfish, it's healing. And for everyone listening today who feels lost or overwhelmed, just know that rediscovering yourself might be one of the most powerful gifts that you can give yourself and your children.

SPEAKER_00 31:15

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Corey, can you tell our guests where to find you?

SPEAKER_00 31:19

Sure. So I am on Facebook at OnlyCorry and you know O-N-L-Y period K-O-R-I. I am on Instagram at Only Cory. It's the same spelling for the last the first name, but it's with an underscore, I believe is that symbol between the only and the quarry.

SPEAKER_01 31:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

And I'm on YouTube as the Cory C.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Amazing. Thank you so much. Yeah. That was such a nice conversation. Corey has the most soothing, calm voice, I think, that we have had on the podcast. So everybody definitely check out her podcast. I feel like it would be really soothing, uh self soothing. Um, Corey, again, thank you so much for sharing your story and your wisdom with us. I think for every mom listening today who's felt lost or overwhelmed, just know that rediscovering yourself might be the most powerful gift that you can give yourself and your children. Thank you for listening. See you next time.