When You're Carrying Too Much: Burnout, Boundaries, and Healing as a Mom- Maz Alexander

In this episode of The Mommy Pod, Shanta’ Robinson sits down with Maz Alexander, Mental Wellbeing and Transformational Coach, Social Worker, Speaker, and Author, for a powerful conversation about burnout, boundaries, and rebuilding as a mother.

Maz shares her journey through motherhood, divorce, and raising her daughter through the teenage years—while navigating emotional and spiritual challenges along the way.

Together, we talk about:

• Burnout in motherhood and how it really shows up
• Why boundaries are essential (not selfish)
• Rebuilding your identity after life transitions
• Faith, mindset, and emotional resilience

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, stretched too thin, or like you’re carrying everything on your own, this episode is your reminder that you don’t have to suffer in silence.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Mommy Pod, a place where parents can come together to feel real. Because we're sharing real stories, real struggles, real ways to rebuild our lives. Today's episode is one I think so many of us will connect with, especially if you've ever felt overwhelmed, stretched too thin, or like you're constantly pouring into everyone else and forgetting about yourself. Our guest today is Maz Alexander, a mental, well-being, and transformational coach, a social worker, speaker, author, and mother based in South London. Maz works with professional, busy professionals and caregivers to help them develop healthy priorities and healthy boundaries and prioritize their mental well-being and implement the self-care that they need to live a balanced and authentic lives. Through her own life experiences, including motherhood, navigating divorce, raising a teenager daughter, and leaning into faith and personal growth, Maz has developed a deep understanding of resilience and emotional healing. Her message is simple but powerful. You don't have to suffer in silence. Welcome to the Mommy Pod. Maz, can you tell our listeners a little bit about yourself and the work you do as a mental well-being and transformational coach?

SPEAKER_01 1:28

Yes, certainly. Thank you, Shansa, for having me here. So, yeah, I have I do wear a few titles. So I am a mental health and well-being coach. And that was born out of um I still practice as a social worker for adults uh with acute mental illness. So that's where that came from. And um I realized that we're good at looking after everyone else, but no one looks after the people who are providing the care. So that's why I set up my business. But aside from that, I've always been interested in just mental, spiritual health, and because it's there are often areas of life which are neglected. So I um currently in my business, I work with women who are caregiving women or they're high-achieving professionals. So they may be doctors, they may be pastors, anybody who gives care, really, and I help them to get the self-care that they need. Because very often they, because they're so highly successful, they um they don't they don't tend to their own needs. Everyone else's needs get met, then they burn out. So that's what I do. And the toughest job of all being a mother, being a single mother at that, and it is um, I'm based in the UK, is mothering Sunday today. So there you go.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Excuse me, wow. Well, that is amazing, and that is so true. No one ever talks about like who helps the people that helps people. Right. So thank you so much for creating that. And that is so awesome. And I'm sure it is extra hard being a single mom. And so, how have those experiences shaped the way you help people?

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Yeah, well, they certainly the the the whole um being uh being a mother generally. Let's talk about that. And I'm sure the single fathers out there are gonna say, yes, we feel that way too, but certainly um develop my patience, develop my my empathy, my resilience. Because of course, um no one tells you how to navigate these kind of transitions in life. Um and one of the biggest challenges for me was, you know, my daughter's yeah, Gen Z, she's grown up now. But when she was a teenager, oh my gosh, Shanta, I I I call those the Chucky years because I was like, what is going on? Are you my child? Well, what's happened to you? You've changed. So um that that was um that taught me a lot of lessons. So it shaped how I um how I see the world, how I see myself. Because as she was getting older, um, I realized that I would have to reinvent myself because my identity was not solely being her mother, um, and that I would need to start doing stuff on my own because you know, she's gonna grow up and move out. And uh, you know, everything revolved around motherhood. Um, but I I began to pursue my own interests as well. I began to do all the things that were on the bucket list, you know. So I started traveling, do a lot of solo travel still. I said, you know, form new relationships, uh friendships, and you know, just really being everything um aside from being someone's mother, someone's wife, all of those things. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Wow. Was there ever a point where you felt like you were carrying too much on your own?

SPEAKER_01 5:13

Yeah, shunta every day, every day, every day. Um, not so much now, but um yeah, and I'm very mindful because I I myself has have experienced burnout. Uh, but you know, in the working profession, I've worked in a few, let's say, toxic environments, and um yeah, there were some unethical practices that meant that uh compromised my values, my integrity. It meant that I was expected to put um patient safety and even their lives above, you know, well, below the organizational needs. I was like, nah, I can't do that. And you're kind of penalized for that. So in the end, I yeah, I just had to take time off. I was extremely stressed. Um, that's happened a couple of times, and then there's the emotional burnout that happened a few years ago um when I was going through another challenging situation, not only with my daughter, um, there was some stuff happening in the church, uh some spiritual abuse. There was all kinds of things that culminated in a sense that I, um, although I was functioning minimally, I just couldn't go on in those environments, in those relationships without there being a change. So, yeah, there have been many times, Shanta, where it feels too much. And now, because your body, don't forget, your body will tell you before your mind even does. Your body will tell you, and I know the the warning signs now for me. I know when I'm reaching my limitations. So that might look like um physiological changes. The first one is is sleep disturbance. So my sleep isn't that great anyway, but I know that you know, if I'm up every morning, two and three in the morning, and can't get back to sleep for no apparent reason, then I have to look at that irritability, um, you know, any headaches, anything that is just uncharacteristic for me. When there are changes in my in my body, even in the in my mood and the way I think, then I I know I need to implement some self-care, I need to rest. Not just physical rest, but I need to, you know, because I'm drained, I need to just be still. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Yeah. Wow, you've gone through a lot. Um what helped you shift from surviving all of that to rebuilding?

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Yeah, well, you know, Shant, I I actually wrote a book about these experiences. My first book, Arise Kinsugi Queens, You Are Becoming All You're Meant to Be, is based on those experiences, the transitions. So the you the first shift, if I can look back retrospectively, is I decided, I actually starts with a decision. I had enough, and I thought, surely there's got to be more to life than this. I'm tired of feeling unworthy. Um, I'm tired of feeling depleted, and there's so much more. I didn't know what the more was at the time, but I was like, no, I'm meant for more than this. Surely it's got to be better. And if it isn't any better, then you know I'm just hopeless. So it started with a decision, it started with a curiosity about what that better could look like, and then it progressed over time. I was kind of in this wilderness period for a long time, so I was on my own carrying all of this, and yes, um, my faith helped. Prayer is good, meditation is good, but I I there were times I felt very much alone. Then it progressed on the days where I was more uh had more energy. I was able to pursue things like counseling. I had some counseling, I had some coaching, which actually led me to become a coach because it was so transformational. Uh you know, how you kind of get from A to B. I was like, what? It was that simple all this time, nobody told me. Um, but it was just that that person held space for me where other people didn't. And so it started all of these things, it was a culmination of things. But I would say the first thing was a decision that I didn't want any more. I didn't want to remain as I was and feeling the way I was. And so yeah, I began to research what what is the remedy for this feeling, this feeling of hopelessness, this feeling of being unsupported and alone and stressed. What can I do about it? You know, so yeah, and it led to other things, and then I began to take time. I think self-acceptance is as really important because I took time for myself. I gave myself the things that I thought I was unworthy of, and then gradually um the my feelings of self-worth began to build, and um, I began to extend that to others. It was reciprocated, and here we are today. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

That's beautiful. Self-worth is so important to recognize and to pour into what is the biggest lie that mothers and and fathers, single parents tell themselves about being strong and uh pulling through?

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Oh, Shansa, there's so many, so many lies. But the the main one, um I I guess that all the lies are derived from is that feeling of not being good enough, not being worthy. Because even though you may be doing the best job, and uh, you know, people may have told you, oh, you're you know, you're really doing well, you're doing this by yourself, or even if you're married, uh, you know, they might say the both of you, but you're you're you're you you might not see the evidence of that. You might wonder, well, it's not showing. And so we always um a lot of people anyway believe the lie about not being enough, doing enough. In my community, in my culture, the where I'm originally uh from the Caribbean, and and this um this Caribbean people are known. Yes, we're known for being resilient, we're known for being strong. Um, but the problem with that is is that everybody expects so much more of you. They they expect you to be uh, you know, superwoman. And so that you you you're very hard, it's very hard to ask for help and to receive help when people perceive you that way, because no one really checks in on you when they think you're the strong one. But I I do not subscribe to that strong, you know, whether you're strong black woman, strong, you know, strong, whatever, fill in the blank, because um strength actually is found in asking for help. Strength, it's not weak, as I was told, you know, even growing up, um, to cry. It is not weak to not be able to, you know, as people think, resiliency is bouncing back, and it's not that. Um it's not that you should be able to cope with every trauma that you are faced with because you're a human being. You weren't built to carry all of those things and store them in your body because you get sick otherwise. So I I kind of challenge those narratives, and even for my own children and and in future, my grandchildren, I want them to know uh that that they can also break those harmful generational cycles. Because even my grandmother, God rest her soul, had some of these ideals. I mean, she was 108 by the time she died, so obviously she was a very traditional woman. Yeah, so the way she thought about strength um was, you know, she was a very stoic woman. Don't don't cry, don't let anybody see your tears, don't depend on men. All the women in the family have this theme. Don't depend on men, don't show vulnerability. Even my own mother, ridiculous as it sounds, Shanta, she was like, Well, don't smile with people. Why are you smiling? They'll think that you're an idiot and they'll take advantage. And I was like, What do you mean? Why can't I smile? You know, but yeah, so these are what this is what I mean, Shanta, by harmful narratives that are just don't make any sense. They were just passed down, and you thought that was how life had to be. And I'm like, no, it doesn't have to be. So I try and teach, uh not just my own um family, I teach others, whether they're my patients, my clients, whoever. Um, just there's another way to be. You you don't have to be suffering in silence, and you don't have to be miserable all your life, actually.

SPEAKER_00 14:11

Yeah, you're breaking those negative generational traditions.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

That's so good. You specialize in helping people build healthy boundaries, which is something many of us struggle with. Um why do you feel why do you think that so many, especially moms or dads, single people feel guilty saying no and feel guilty asking for help?

SPEAKER_01 14:39

Yeah, well, uh when it comes to our families, it's it's particularly hard. We may have strong boundaries in other areas, maybe in our workplace, maybe with our friends and what have you, but there's something about families that cause us, and especially if they're our own kids, we're like, oh no. And sometimes um we may be trying to overcompensate, give them the things that we never had, but that that doesn't really help them either. Um, it's just about conditioning Shanta. I think certainly, I mean, let me use myself as an example. Growing up as a as a as a girl at the time, girls uh, I think there are different gender roles anyway. So some boys have had to play this role. But generally speaking, girls were expected to be the homemakers. You must tidy up, and that's fine, that's a good thing to learn. You must be able to cook. Remember, my mom said, No man will want you if you if you cannot cook and clean, and you don't make yourself look pretty, nobody's gonna marry you. Okay, thanks, Mom. Yeah, because that's what I'm gonna be a housewife all my life, not. So um, it was just those kind of conditioning, because that's how she grew up. She, I mean, she grew up in the 60s, so you have to remember that's her frame of reference. But um I struggled with those those kind of ideals. So I think we are taught, and especially as girls, you you've got to share everything. And and it ultimately makes you a people pleaser. Share, give, give, um, give Uncle Harry a kiss. And it's like, I don't want to, he's not even my uncle, he's a creepy old guy from down the street. Why, why must I kiss everybody and hug everybody? Why can I not have my um my body, my my space, my own privacy, that kind of thing. But um, so so as girls, because maybe less so boys are expected to do that kind of thing. Um, so that that's where that comes from in my case. And it's it becomes hard to say no because you've learned, you've been conditioned to learn that love is equal to your performance. So as long as you're performing um and doing all the things, then people like you. People will want to be around you. And then that gets extended, you know, past school, in the workplace. You you you know how to then please people and what what the results are. And so when you say no, whether it be to your boss, your husband, whoever, it can seem, you know, obviously you're disappointing them. And that reaction feels quite foreign to you, it feels uncomfortable. Um, but I would just encourage people to it's okay to to be uncomfortable about it. Keep practicing it. It gets it gets easier because you're not here to entertain people, you're not here to please everyone, and you are certainly not required, as the adage says, to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

Yeah. Wow, that's really good. I like that. You're not required to keep to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. That's important. That's something to remember.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

Yeah. What are some that's a really good example about like not telling your kids to hug people or kiss them goodbye or hello or whatever. What are some other examples that parents could do to set boundaries? Um that we don't often notice or we don't often do.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Yeah, I mean, it's all contextual, but yeah, like that one with with strangers, with with um, you know, it depends because actually some parents are quite comfortable. They're like, no, we don't want to teach our children not to trust people. I get that. But um, you know, things around communicating, um teaching your children early enough to communicate their boundaries. I I know, you know, we often say, oh, they'll share your toys, share this. You know, like if they go over for a sleepover, you know, they need to know, okay, what's appropriate, what's not. My boundaries where where my buddy know, you know. So if I'm if you're getting changed, um, it might be in the school, playground, certain things. Who who has access to you? This goes for all of us. Who who can access you? So, you know, whether that is through touch, through uh digit, you know, digitally, you know, when you're making friends, friend requests online, who can see, who who are you allowed to see what what's going on in your life? Are you comfortable with that? Um, you know, and and all these things about um time, you know, obviously with our kids, we they go to bed at a certain time, they they do certain things, but um yeah, in the it's a different world now, but yeah, the digital age, there's social media, what who can access you, who can come around to your house? In the same way, you don't leave your your front door open for anybody to just come in. You you need some protective measures when you're online, when you're at your friend's house, when you're at church, wherever you may be, when you leave this house. And even in this house, it's about communication, articulating. Even I used to tell my daughter, and she'd tell me, Mom, you hurt my feelings, and I didn't like when you did this. And and and I like that because I find that when people are able to articulate what they're feeling, they don't have to resort to um violence or other measures because they're frustrated and can't feel that they can't speak up. So, yeah, communication is is key. But like I said, Shantra, it's contextual. Um, there are there are so many, but but for me, and and raising children, strong boundaries around your time, your personal space, and um, yeah, just digital access, even even religious. Uh I'll uh for example, like I'll tell my my daughter, and this may sound it's it probably sounds a bit paranoid, like, gosh, you you won't let her do anything, but no, it's not that. Uh be careful who even when you go to the um store, when you go to the hairdresser, if you're going even to church or you're going to someone, be careful who you receive things from, who you let prey on you, literally, pray, and and who, you know, if you're getting a ride from somebody, do you know, I don't care who who they are, do you know, you must have a way to get home and don't just accept a ride from just anybody, you know, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

Yeah. No, that's important. Those are all important things to look out for and try to stay safe. I am a big uh believer, and you have to be careful with who you touch and who hugs you too. Um yeah, I went to a church one time and this lady talked about how she I don't remember what she came across, but she came across someone who was felt demonic and evil. And then she woke up and she saw demons, and she gave me a hug, and then the whole week I was feeling angry. Angry and just so off, and I just prayed and prayed and then finally felt better. But I think it was from hugging that lady.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

It it might well have been. And that's the thing, Shanti, because I I know some of your listeners people have different religious affiliations. But even if you don't believe in that, certainly uh um within in the the psychological field and the work that I do, we we know that transference is real. And if you want to break it down, whatever. Yeah, your energy is affecting my energy, if if you want to say it like that. Because you know, you you've been in a room, Shansa, you know where sometimes you may be at work or whatever, somebody's come in and the mood has shifted, and and you can catch feelings, you can literally catch feelings from people, and then now you're finding yourself in a bad mood because they they came in and kind of contaminated the whole space, and now you're like, what is going on? And you're having a terrible day, and you know, it was because of of that atmosphere that you were in before. But you just gave a great example. Um, yeah, for that reason, we don't um I think churches especially need to be more mindful because I always tell them about safeguarding and stuff like that, and they think, oh, you've been a bit too much. But I'm like, no, you you need to be mindful, even like um cameras. I always tell my daughter, don't just let anybody take your picture. No, nobody, what what do they want with your picture? What are they doing with pictures? No, you you know what if we were on a witness protection program and and you know they're all taking giving away the whole location. I'm like, no. Um, so yeah, you're right. So that experience that you had is is one of the many reasons why um, yeah, don't just let anybody pray over you. And like I said, churches need to under respect boundaries too. Not everybody wants to be touched, not everybody wants to be hugged. There are various members of the congregation who may be neurodivergent or have other conditions that you know nothing about. And instead of you taking it as a rejection and think, well, we're all one big family, and this is what we do, and this is the tradition we have, I think we need to be more inclusive and accommodating of people with different presentations. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

Yes. And you talked a little bit about spiritual warfare and faith during difficult seasons in your life. Um, how did faith support you during those moments where you were feeling overwhelmed?

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Oh, yeah. Um yeah, the at the time, so yeah, spiritual warfare is an ongoing battle, I think, that we all face as believers. But um the at the time, I didn't even know, Shantu, that, for example, spiritual abuse was was a thing. I just thought, okay, everybody, every pastor, every church is preaching the gospel, are they not? Uh, I soon found out that wasn't the case. I I had inadvertently joined a cult, and I call it a cult because that's what it was, but they were masquerading as a Pentecostal church. Now, I no nobody comes with a big sign when you join these things. They don't say we're a cult. You find that out when you break unwritten rules. So during that time, for example, where they were using scriptures, twisting it to control coerce, um, and I've even had some pastors try and use it even sexually. Like, what are you talking about? But anyway, during those times, um, Shanton, my faith, and not the church, because I separated the that from the church, I was like, God, if this is what Christianity is about, I don't want it. I don't, you know, because I was really feeling very low. And um in the end, God instructed me to leave that place, but my faith, oh, what it did, Shanta, at the time, was it made me um study. I had to study the scriptures for myself because some of the things that I heard didn't ring true. And I'm like, surely, is that is that what you meant, Lord? So it developed my own intimacy and relationship with God at that time. And I, because you see, before Shanta, I was the type of person that would always rely on third hand or third-party um kind of intimacy. So I was like, Oh, did you hear a word from God? You know, I'd go to these prophets and these so-called prophets, and and what it did was it taught me a lesson because I was like, no, you need to study for yourself, and that's what God was teaching me. And he got me through that and um, you know, placed me in another church where I was able to flourish. But yeah, it it taught me so many lessons. I wrote about the the second book uh addresses some of those issues, but my faith would would not waver. I realized that you cannot, even the best people in the world mean well. Um, you can't always trust them, but God is love isn't is unfailing. So I learned He did surround me with people in the end who would help me and make sense, but it made me uh uh certainly a critical thinker, more so than I was before. It strengthened my faith because I was like, no, we can't have people out here being deceived. And whenever I hear any nonsense, even today, I uh call it out. And um, so it made me a really good ambassador and helped me increase my empathy, help me, because you know God's got a sense of humor. So whatever I talk about is what I've been through. So whenever I'm coaching my clients, whenever I'm speaking about something, whenever I'm writing about something, it's because I know firsthand, because you know, I've been there. And I was like, Lord, you're funny. Could I not just write this book without he's like, no, you're gonna have to go through it. It's like, oh, I don't like this part. So yeah, that's that's me.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

Wow. What helped you sound so confident and so sure. What helped you rebuild your confidence and sense of purpose?

SPEAKER_01 28:00

Yeah, um, I had to remember because it wasn't that I didn't necessarily know before, but you know, sometimes you can get a bit of spiritual amnesia. I forgot who I was because I was listening. Um, remember the type of family I came from, and often the inner critic is is someone you know. Um for mine, it was my mother. Um, you can always count on her to you know say something. Um, it's just her nature. And it were it came from other, I was listening to people, and the the thing is I'd forgotten my worth, and even employers who would who would try and um make me seem incompetent, and even in the church, oh, you're not praying enough. You know, every message, Shanta, was just about me not being enough, you're not doing enough, you know, you could, you know, and it wasn't that they believed that I could be more, it was more of a comparison thing, like, oh, you know, well, look at you. And obviously that started to get me down over the years when you hear that and internalize it. And I had to just like, no, no, because I do believe everyone's here for a uh a purpose anyway. I was like, and that's when I began to call out to the Lord. I was like, listen, I can't go on like this. What what is what is the meaning? What is the point? What am I meant to be here to do, other than take up space and air? Like, tell me what is it? And I had a load of um visions and dreams and things that are still actually being written, still being realized. You know, you know how he doesn't give you the whole picture, he gives you pieces, and so I'm still piecing them together. But the point is, I my identity, everything is about identity. So I had to come back to to who I was. As Miles Miles Monroe said, if you want to know um how a product functions, you have to go back to the manufacturer, and that's what I had to do. Go to my creator and be like, what is this about? Why do I do this? Why am I like this? What do I need to do? And often the things that we go through as I'm relearning is is not just for us, it's not just a testimony, it's for other people, so so that they can, you know, as Breni Brown um says, often when we share these kind of vulnerable stories, there is other people that will say, Me too. Oh, I thought I was the only one. I went through that too. So it's it's about destiny, it's about purpose, and um all the things that shame us, you know, that we were embarrassed to talk about, I think it's good to share those. Those are the very things that need to be shared so that someone can get set free.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

That is so great. I can't wait to read your books. You're such a wealth of knowledge and great advice. And what would you if your daughter was listening to this conversation? What would you want her to learn from your journey as a mother?

SPEAKER_01 31:07

Oh, well, if you know she's if she'd listen to me. No, she she's getting there. She's uh she's in her 20s now. Um, she'll get there. But I would want her to know, I want her to, and I've told her this, I want her to do um, I want her to surpass all the things that I've done and be better than I have been and achieve, not in a performative way, but I want her to to carry on the mission. And ultimately the lesson, not just for her, but for all women, all individuals who whatever it is that they're bound by, it could be addiction, could be, could be anything, they just might feel lonely in their in their single journey. Um, is that you should not suffer in silence. Like I said, those things that we dare not say, that we're too embarrassed, like, oh my gosh, would anybody want me if they knew that this and that happened and all of yes, shout it from the rooftop, shame the devil. Shout it, say, yes, I will not remain silent. This injustice happened to me, or maybe it was my fault. Yeah, okay, I made some wrong choices, or you know, whatever the case may be. I have not just come down from heaven. Um, I'm not an angel, I am a fallible human being who needs the grace of God. And and I am, this is how I'm moving. Because so we're not meant to just survive. We we are meant to excel. And we can get there. It seems impossible sometimes. And the reason I say that, Shantra, is because, especially in the church and and other institutions, actually, the message is you've got to have it all together. And if you don't, there's something wrong with you. And that's not true because if everybody would tell the truth, that often your success is built on the very things that you um went through, those things that that you don't tell anybody that you wouldn't want it published in the press. So, you know, let's just be authentic. Uh, in all things, let's be authentic. And whenever your values are misaligned, then that's where you're at risk of burnout. That's where you're at risk of spiritual depletion. So always check in with yourself, check in with your creator, what what's going on here? Bit like a sat nav, you know. If if you if you um veer off, it will recalculate your your route. But you must have a destination in mind. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? Otherwise, you'll just end up anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 33:34

Wow. That is incredible. Naz, thank you so much for sharing your story and your wisdom with us today. I think the biggest takeaway from this is that strength doesn't mean that you're carrying everything alone. And lean on uh God or your higher power. I believe in God. Some of the lean on God in these difficult times. Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you for having me, Shansa. Thank you.