Grieving While Mothering: Learning to Carry Loss with Jessica Frey

In this heartfelt episode of The Mommy Pod, I sit down with Jessica Frey — single mom, Senior Caseworker, podcaster, author, life coach, and grief coach — for a deeply honest conversation about navigating motherhood while carrying unimaginable loss.

After the sudden passing of her younger sister in August of 2024, Jessica found herself learning how to grieve while still showing up for her children, work, and everyday life. Together we discuss parenting through heartbreak, the pressure moms feel to stay strong, allowing children to see real emotions, asking for help, and learning to give yourself grace.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to keep going while your world was falling apart, this episode is a reminder that you are not alone. Grief doesn’t disappear — we learn to carry it — and there is hope, healing, and light on the other side.

Because here at The Mommy Pod, we believe: we don’t break, we bend. 💛

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Transcript

0:49

All right, welcome back everyone. Today we're joined by Jessica, a mom, podcaster, author, life coach, grief coach, and full-time senior caseworker with over 20 years of experience in the social and human excuse me, in the social and human services field. Jessica is passionate about helping people know that they are not alone in whatever they may be struggling with and reminding them that they can get through even the hardest seasons of life. As a single mom, Jessica has faced many challenges, but one of the most life-changing experiences came after the sudden passing of her younger sister in August of 2024. Since then, Jessica has become deeply passionate about helping others navigate grief while finding hope on the other side. Today, we are having an honest conversation about motherhood, loss, healing, and learning how to keep showing up when our heart is still hurting. Jessica, thank you so much for being here today. Hello, thank you so much for having me. I'm very excited to be here with you today. For our listeners that are meeting you for the first time, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Of course. Um, well, like you said, I am a mom, I am a podcaster, I am a life coach, I'm a grief coach. Um, I do the work that I do to help people know that they aren't alone in whatever they're going through and give them hope to, you know, that they can come out on the other side. Um, I work with people to offer support in on their grieving journeys, um, specifically those who have lost a sibling, because um I find since losing my sister, I have found that there is not as much support in the area of grief as there is needed. Um, but more specifically when it comes to sibling loss. So um I am here to help others that are grieving, um, let them know that the things that they might be feeling that they think are strange or weird because other people are maybe making them feel that way aren't weird at all, um, that there's no right or wrong way to grieve, and that um it doesn't ever end. You just kind of learn how to incorporate grieving into your life every day. Well, thank you. Thank you for sharing. And I I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is really, really hard. Losing anyone is hard, but I understand that that special connection and then losing a sibling. I lost my brother in 2021. Um I'm so sorry. Well, thank you. So um, I just wanted to share that that I can relate. Um so yeah, I want to acknowledge that you're lost. So thank you for being willing to talk to us about it and for being so personal. Can you tell us um about your sister and um about your relationship? Of course. Um, I my sister was seven years younger than me. And I actually read this story um at her celebration of life when she was born, when my parents first brought her home from the hospital, she screamed the entire night. And I remember thinking to my parents, thinking to myself, like, can mom and dad return her? Because like all she did was cry. I was like, is this what it's gonna be like to be a big sister? Um, but you know, there's there's no return policy on siblings, so I wasn't able to do that. And when we were younger, her and I didn't have the greatest relationship because there was such a big age gap between us. Um, you know, when I was a teenager, she was a little kid. We didn't have things in common. She always wanted to be around me and my friends, and she, you know, she was stealing my clothes and doing all the things that little sisters do, um, but that at that point in life were annoying. Um, and people used to always tell me, When you guys get older, you're gonna be best friends. And I was like, Yeah, probably not. And then we grew up and we became adults and we did become best friends. And she was my person. Um, she she was a force. She loved with her whole entire heart. Um, if she cared about you, you knew it, and everybody else around knew it. Um, and if you messed with someone that she cared about, you were you were gonna know that she knew that too. Um, you know, she was a fighter, she she was strong-willed, she um was very opinionated, um, and didn't really care whose feelings she hurt sometimes. But um, you know, at the end of the day, she she loved the people around her so strongly, and um everybody that knew her still, um, you know, it's only been it'll be two years in August, but you know, we all still feel this tremendous loss of her not being here because she did leave such an imprint on everyone that she knew. Well, thank you for sharing. And you say that she was a force and and she knew and she let everyone know. And now I think it's beautiful that her older sister is continuing to share that with everyone. Yeah, I will I will continue to share that for as long as I have breath in my lungs because I don't I don't ever want to forget her, and I don't want anyone else to forget that she was here either. Yeah. Was there a moment where reality hit and you realized that life had changed forever after you had lost her? Um there was. I can't say that it happened immediately after she passed away because those first few weeks, uh it was like I was living in a in a fog. Um, I kind of was on autopilot. I was just waking up every day and doing the things that I knew I needed to do to get through the day. Um, but as the months went on, the most difficult time then for me was when I would wake up in the morning and for like a split second, things would feel normal, and then it would hit me that she wasn't here. And it was those moments that were kind of like, okay, life is different now, it's never going to be the same as it was before. And it was difficult because grief does change you, loss changes you as a person, but you don't really realize how you, you know, you lose the person, but you also lose the version of yourself that you were when that person was here. Um you know, I'm a big sister, I'm always gonna be a big sister, but my little sister isn't here anymore. So my my identity in being a big sister is completely different now than it was before. Um, and I think learning how to accept that um and get to know the new version of who I am is something that you know I'm still learning now uh who that new version is because every day is is a new thing with something that might come up or some a memory that is that happens that triggers something in me that you know I didn't didn't really think that was ever gonna happen. Um, so yeah. Yeah. Well and you mentioned grieving while being a mom has been one of the greatest challenges, and that is something that so many of us can relate to. What did those early days look like? So my son is a little bit older, which I am very grateful for that. For that, you know, that if it had to happen, it happened when it did, because in a way he was taking care of me a little bit. Um, I, you know, I didn't have an appetite. He was reminding me to eat, he was reminding me to make sure I was drinking, he was, you know, comforting me when I was upset. And it was a weird sort of dynamic because it's not his job to do that, but he was doing it because I was struggling to take care of myself in those first few days and weeks and even months after. Um, and I think as moms, we don't really get the option to not be a mom and stop doing what we need to do as a mom, especially as a single mom, because there's no one else in the household to do those things if you stop doing them. Um, so I think it was just a reminder of how life continues even when you experience grief and you experience loss, because I I couldn't stop being a mom. I didn't have an option to do that. My son still needed me. Yes, he was older, but there's still things I have to do as a mom every day to maintain our household and maintain the things that are going on here. So um it was hard. And I think the other thing too for me was managing my emotions um because I I think sometimes we struggle with wanting our children to see us sad and kind of protecting them from that. But I also think it's important to let our children see us sad, let them see us cry, let them see us grieve, because they are going to experience these things at some point in their lives too. And I mean, he was experiencing it with me, his it was his aunt that passed away. Um, but I think it's important to let children see us, feel those feelings, and know that okay, it's okay to cry when I'm sad, it's okay to be angry about this, it's okay to feel whatever I'm feeling in that moment. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna talk about that because you said something that stood out to me about showing, like not hiding grief from your children, but I want to backtrack a little bit and just touch on how beautiful it was that your son took care of you a little bit in those moments that he could. And I feel like they show us the love that we give them, and so um, your son showed you the love that you had been showing him and how to care for for others, and he cared for his mom, and I think that's really beautiful. Um, especially when we feel pressure to keep everything together when we feel like we want to fall apart, yeah. And I as moms, we do that all the time, I think. Aside from something big like this happening, I do feel like we feel like we have to be together and on point all the time because there are people depending on us to do that. Right. And as a single mom, did grief feel heavier because there wasn't always space to completely break down? Yeah, and it it was hard too because um, you know, I had people that I can lean on and depend on, but like coming home at the end of the day, like from work, if I had a rough day and I was really sad or really missing my sister, like there was nobody else here for me to kind of lean on for even just the support of that, let alone all of the other things that need to be done on a day-to-day basis in the household. So that's definitely, definitely a difficult thing. Right. In those moments where you feel like um they're just reminders and there's just nothing left to give. Uh yeah. So the conversation that I think that a lot of people need around this, too, is that what you said, I just circle back. Um, don't hide your grief from your children. Yeah. Why is that so important? I think there's a lot of reasons why it's important. One of the most important reasons is because they will experience grief and loss in their lives as well. We all do, whether it's someone passing away, whether it's grieving a relationship, a friendship, a job, the future that you thought you were going to have. We all grieve things in our lives. And I think nobody teaches us how to do that. I don't think you can really teach someone how to grieve, but I think exam or giving examples and showing for them, showing them, sorry, I'm like fumbling over my words right now. Um, showing them that it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to cry, it is okay to be angry, but also on the flip side, too, letting them know that if they don't feel those things, that's also okay because everybody grieves differently, everybody handles their feelings when it comes to grief differently. And I think sometimes we think like we're supposed to be sad or we're supposed to be angry or we're supposed to be crying all the time, and that's not the case for everybody. So being open about your feelings and not hiding them and thinking because then they think that they have to hide their feelings too. I think talking about the way that we're feeling is extremely important, especially raising boys, because a lot of times too, boys think that they can't cry and they can't show their emotions and they can't feel their feelings. And we're all human, we all have feelings. So every single one of us walking this earth needs to feel our feelings. 100%. And how do we let our kids see our emotions while still helping them feel safe? Because I feel like sometimes people feel like if they break down and their child sees this, their child's gonna break down or not feel safe or strong, or whatever the case may be. So, do you have any advice on how we let our children see our emotions while still helping them feel safe? I think being able to talk about the emotions too. So I can think of a handful of times when my son would see me crying, specifically as it relates to this topic with losing my sister. And if he asked me, Are you okay? I would be honest and tell him what was wrong. Um, because it we have to be able to talk about our feelings along with just displaying them. Um, crying is one thing, but being able to verbalize what we're feeling, and maybe sometimes we don't even know what we're feeling. So just being able to say, you know, I had a really bad day, or I'm really missing my sister right now, or you know, things like that, because again, opening up those lines of communication so that children know it's okay to cry, but also okay to talk about whatever they might be feeling. Because especially as kids, I mean, and even as adults sometimes too, like I just said, we don't we don't often know what that feeling is, but something feels off inside of us. So I think just just being able to teach ways to communicate that we're feeling something, we might not know what it is, but something feels different, something feels off. Um, so being able to talk about, you know, when we're having a bad day or when things aren't going great is is really important in being able to show our kids that uh it's normal, there's nothing wrong with with any of those things. Thank you. So many moms and dads uh feel like they have to have all the answers. Did grief teach you anything about letting go of perfection or letting go of having to know all the answers? Yeah. Um I think it taught me that it is okay, like it was a reminder that it is okay to not have all of the answers because especially when it comes to grief, we don't have all of the answers a lot of the time. I mean, sometimes there are you know answers, and it's you're like, okay, I can make sense of that, but then a lot of times you can't make sense of it. And I think that is an important reminder that there might not always be an answer or even a reason. If there is an answer, it might not always make sense. And I think it just teaches our kids that we're we're human too, we're not perfect, we are still learning and growing as parents, just as they're learning and growing as children. And we have to remember that too. I have to remind myself that a lot too, is that this is the first time I'm I'm doing all the things that I'm doing with my son, and you know, giving ourselves grace as parents to remember that we've never done this before. And even when you have more than one child, it's a different experience. So you might go in thinking, oh, I got this, I can do this, I've done it before, and then this child is completely different than the first child that you had, and you feel completely lost, and like you know, you're doing it for the first time. So I think just remembering that we're also human and we're gonna make mistakes, and every day isn't gonna be perfect. And I there's no such thing as a perfect mom or dad. Um, doing the best that you can is what makes you the best mom or dad that you are. Oh, that's really good. I believe that. Yes. Thank you. So you shared advice that really resonated with uh with me. Give yourself grace, accept help, ask for help, focus on what you can control and forgive yourself. Why do you think so many of us struggle so much with giving ourselves grace? I I think it's so much easier for us to give other people grace than it is ourselves. And I don't, I don't really know if I have an answer as to why that is. Um, I think that maybe it's because we we struggle ourselves with accepting that we do have imperfections because I think throughout life we've been conditioned to think that we have to show up in the world perfectly and everything has to be done right. And if you make a mistake, there's something wrong with you. And none of that stuff is true. Making mistakes and being imperfect and you know, stumbling along the way is part of life. Um, that's how we learn, that's how we grow. So I think it's really important, and it's not always easy, um, but I think it's really important in those moments when we are struggling to remember to give ourselves grace and maybe take a step back and think say to ourselves, like if one of my friends or family were coming to me with this with this type of a situation, what would I say to them? What kind of support would I offer to them? And do that same thing for yourself. Ah, that's good. Turn it around for yourself. Do it for yourself. All right. And then asking for help can be difficult. Why do you think so many of us feel guilty needing support? Um, I know for me, and obviously this I know that this may not apply to everyone, but I'm sure there's someone out there listening that this will resonate with. Um, I know that for me it's difficult to ask for help because I'm the kind of person that then feels like I have to do something for that person. And that's not the case. And again, when I think that way, I try to flip it around because I help other people and I never expect anything in return from them. So I think remembering that, you know, you you give out so much and you do so much for other people that it is okay to accept things and not have to give something in return. Everything in life isn't necessarily an exchange. And I think offering help or support to someone doesn't always have to be like that. And just remembering that in those moments, um, that you know, it's okay to just accept and receive sometimes because at some point down the road there may be a time when you can reciprocate that help or that guidance or support to someone else. So um, I guess in the in the end, it kind of is reciprocal, but not necessarily in the moment. Um, so I think it's important for us to remember that it is okay to to allow other people to help us, and it's necessary too. Um, I I don't really know why people struggle with that. Um, but I do notice that I know it's not just me that struggles with accepting help from others. Um, so I I wish I had a better answer to that question. Oh, that's a good answer. Thank you. And then uh what what advice would you give moms who feel isolated in their grief right now, who who don't feel like they can um ask for help? I I would say I know that sometimes people really shy away from online communities and things like that, but I have connected with some amazing people in the online world when it comes to grief. I would say search search, you know, for groups like that in your area. Reach out to you know counseling agencies in your area, see if there are any in-person groups or support networks that you can get involved in. I mean, I know a lot of people do feel alone in their grief, and the reality is they're not. There are so many other people out there who are going through something very similar. Um, they're going through loss, they they need support. And I think just sometimes it's hard to take that step to reach out and um, you know, to try to find it, but there is support out there, even if it is just someone in a Facebook group that you might meet that you can chat with on Messenger here and there when you're having a bad day. Um, I think being open to those types of things because unexpectedly, some great connections and beautiful relationships can come from that. And then that is the support that you need, and the other person probably does too. Yes, just reach out, and there's so many different um communities and groups online that, like you mentioned, that is so true. And all different platforms, whether it's Substack or Facebook or Instagram or TikTok, you can get your own community um in any of those places if you just look and filter out the negative comments. Yes, yes, yes, because unfortunately they're gonna be everywhere, but yeah. Well, Jessica, what's one thing that you hope our listeners can remember after hearing your story? I hope that they remember that no matter what happens in their lives, they can get through it, they can overcome it, and that it might not be pretty, and you're probably gonna stumble, like I said earlier, along the way. But um that's that's part of life, and those moments, the most difficult moments, really teach us the most um priceless lessons, and you know, there is grief is difficult, it's it's very messy, it's very unpredictable, but there really is a lot of beauty that can be found if you just keep your eyes and your mind and your heart open to it. That's really true. That's so good. And Jessica, where can our listeners connect with you and learn more about your work? And yes. Um, so I do have an Instagram for my podcast. Um, it's at unapologetically underscore overcoming. Um, I also have a Facebook for the podcast too, that is Unapologetically overcoming the podcast. And then my website is www.unapologeticlifecoaching llc.com. So the life coaching stuff is um it's about like goal setting and mindset transformation and gratitude practices. I I am really big myself on gratitude practices, and I think sometimes we don't really recognize how much gratitude can shift things in our lives. Um, focusing on the positives instead of focusing on the negatives is a huge, huge game changer in life. Um and I I myself wish I learned that earlier in life because things probably would have been a lot different for me if I had. Um, so there's that part, and then I also do um grief coaching stuff too. I offer support for other people who are grieving, specifically sibling loss, but I will work with anyone who is grieving. And I do have a virtual bi-weekly sibling loss group that I do. It's um every other Tuesday at 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Um, it's a beautiful group of people that come together. Um, you know, sometimes we do cry and there are tears, but there are groups where we have um a lot of laughter and fun conversations about our siblings and you know, just about things that are going on in our everyday lives. Great. Thank you so much. I will definitely put all of your information in our show notes. And I hope that our listeners that are grieving can reach out to you and utilize your services and know that they're not alone. Absolutely. My inbox is always open. I tell people that all the time. Many anyone can message me at any time and I I will respond to them. Amazing.