Three Divorces, One New Beginning with Leah Marie Mazur

What happens when life doesn't go according to plan—three times?

In this powerful episode of The Mommy Pod, host Shanta' Marie Robinson sits down with Leah Marie Mazur, divorce recovery coach and founder of Mindfully Ready, for an honest conversation about navigating three divorces, rebuilding confidence, and creating a life rooted in purpose instead of pain.

Leah shares the lessons she wishes she'd known sooner, how she overcame shame and self-doubt, and what it really takes to heal after the end of a marriage. Together, they discuss co-parenting, rediscovering your identity, setting healthy boundaries, dating after divorce, and why healing starts from within.

Whether you're going through a divorce, recovering from a difficult relationship, supporting someone you love, or simply learning to choose yourself again, this episode offers practical encouragement and hope for your next chapter.

Because your story isn't over just because one chapter ends.

Find Leah on all platforms @Mindfullyready 

www.mindfullyready.com

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:51

Alright, here we go. Welcome back to the mommy card. Today I am in a coffee shop. We are non-stop coffee. Um, my father's trying to talk him off for some of you. So excellent. My daughter's here. We're just having a girl's day. I'm so excited to be here talking to Leah. I'm here with Leah Mezer, a certified divorce recovery coach, speaker and founder of Mindfully Ready, and a mom who has navigated not one, not two, but three divorces. Now, before you make conclusions, we're talking about a story about failure. It's a story about resilience. Leah helps women rebuild self-trust, confidence, emotional stability, and identity after divorce. So they can stop abandoning themselves and become the women that they want to actually be. Today we're discussing, today we're discussing healing after divorce, boundaries, co-parenting, motherhood, self-worth, and how to become the version of yourself that you want your children to witness.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Thanks for having me. I'm excited to talk to you.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Let's start with at the beginning. Can you tell us about yourself and your journey into divorce um as a recovery coach?

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Yeah. So after my first divorce, I didn't do anything that you're supposed to do. I didn't take the time to heal or figure out who I was or what I wanted or what I needed or even how to meet those needs. I just knew I didn't want to be alone. So my main focus was to get into another relationship. And that became my pattern. And so I was in another relationship very quickly. When that one didn't work out, I was right back on the dating apps and ended up getting married again very fast. And so it really only took a couple of years for me to realize that that relationship was not healthy and my daughter was not getting even close to the best version of me as a mom. So uh that was my ugly wake-up call. You know, divorce number two, it was like, okay, I don't want to keep finding myself in these toxic relationships. How do I get myself to a place where I can feel whole and happy and fulfilled on my own? And so I did all the things, you know, therapy, journaling, mindfulness, meditation, just did everything I could to cultivate self-awareness and understand my choices so that I can make better ones and get different results. Uh, and so through my journey, that is where I decided I wanted to help other women too, because I, when I was going through it, I had never heard of anything like a divorce coach, you know. So I there are people out there to help you through the legal process. Uh, but I I I knew how much work it took to help with all the other stuff, like the emotional stuff, the mental stuff. So I took everything that I learned on my own journey and and started a business and started helping other moms through it.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Yeah, I have to ask, when you were going through your first divorce, did you ever think that you'd be in this space helping other moms? Not at all.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Never. It's a while, it's been a wild ride, but I I love it so much. I mean I I really do believe that everything I've been through was to get me to this place where I can now do what I do.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

So, what was that moment when you realized that your pain could become your purpose?

SPEAKER_00 4:08

I think it was just realizing how much support women need when they're going through something like that. Like this divorce is such a massive life transition, and there's so much that comes up guilt, shame, feelings of failure, your self-esteem takes a hit. I mean, there's just it's it's complex. You're grieving, you're angry. I mean, there's there's a lot going on, and there wasn't really anyone to help with that, right? I mean, you could go to therapy, which is amazing. Um, but I think just the combination of me living it and understanding it from you know, from my perspective and just all of the amazing tools and resources I collected, uh, that's where I was like, okay, I'm I need to package this up and really start showing people that this is available so that they don't have to make a lot of the same mistakes that I did, really.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

I think many people here um re-divorces and they made us immediately feel what would you want people to understand about your story? Can you tell us a little bit about your story? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

So, well, I can take I'll take it back, I'll take it back to when I was 16 years old. Um, I came home from my friend's house and I walked into my apartment and I saw my mom having an asthma attack, and she died in our home. I was only, you know, she was 41 years old. Five years later, my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he died. Uh, and I'm an only child. So by 21, I was really just alone in the world trying to figure everything out. And what I didn't realize at the time was serial monogamy kind of became my coping mechanism. Being in a relationship was like my buoy to keep me afloat because I was just alone in the world. And so that was my pattern was I didn't know how to be alone. I didn't know who I was. All I knew was like, if I wasn't in a relationship, uh, who who am I? Like, who if I wasn't in a relationship, where was I going for Christmas? Who was I spending going on vacations with? It was like the relationships were really those buoys for me. So I was choosing the wrong partners for the wrong reasons. And that's what I learned during my second divorce. And then after I did a lot of healing, I met a great guy. Um, we had a good amount of things in common. We were very, it was, it was the most peaceful, respectful, we communicated well uh relationship that I had ever had. And I attribute that to all the work that I had done. But nothing is guaranteed. You know, I don't have a crystal ball in my purse. So, you know, I think that relationship just went as far as it was supposed to go. And we got to a place where we realized we weren't as aligned as we thought we were, and we didn't want to stay and force something that wasn't going to work. And we, you know, to get ourselves to a place where we were resentful and angry and hating each other, and we just decided as adults that we would rather keep our friendship intact and walked away peacefully. And it was the simplest, best of course I've ever had. We did it online, it took, you know, a couple days. And um, but and I I think what is important about my story is that the goal of doing all this work and healing isn't to find a dude. Like the goal is so you feel confident and whole and fulfilled on your own so that you're you're not abandoning yourself to keep relationships. You know, you trust yourself. And when you are in that space when you've done that for yourself, then you can and will continue to walk away from anything that isn't alignment anymore, right? And so that's what I did. I did all the work and I met a great guy, and we decided it wasn't aligned, and we walked away, and I'm still doing great because of all the tools and the work that I did before that relationship.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

That's amazing. What a story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Um, that's incredibly hard. I understand how it feels to grow up without parents at that age, but to have to experience what you experience, I can't imagine. Um and then something that you said that I think will really resonate with a lot of people is like you felt alone, and so these relationships were like really and they their family kind of came your family and their activity, yeah. Yeah, I understand that kind of thing. Yeah, wow. Um good for you for doing the work and thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

So, what do you think divorce uh teaches you about yourself?

SPEAKER_00 8:57

It teaches you a lot about yourself, it teaches you maybe where you were abandoning yourself in relationships or what patterns you're stuck in that just aren't serving you anymore. It teaches you how strong and resilient you are. Um, it teaches you who was really in your corner and maybe who wasn't, because when you get divorced, you don't usually just lose a spouse. You can lose other people too, friends, family, um, coworkers, people, you know, if you go to church. I mean, there's people who uh will stand behind you, and there's people who won't agree with or understand your choice. So uh you really learn a lot about yourself and relationships and marriage and life through a divorce.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

And then I have to ask, do you have you noticed any patterns? I know everyone is different, obviously, and every relationship is different. But would you say there is any type of pattern that would like point to a common one towards divorce?

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Yes, a common one is is self-abandonment, which is why I talk about that so much with my clients and people on social media. Um, especially as you know, as women, we're taught at a very young age that uh being a mom means sacrificing, right? Everyone else's needs become the priority. We put ourselves last. We feel guilty, we feel selfish if we want to put ourselves first. And so that pattern continues. We learn that, and then that continues in relationships, and we're carrying the weight, the emotional weight of the entire family on us sometimes and trying to hold everything together and doing everything we possibly can to make something work. And so even when you get divorced, you may still be stuck in that pattern than when it comes to co-parenting, because you, you know, you're saying yes to things you really want to say no to, or you're really angry and resentful, you know, and you're um doing things because you don't want to rock the boat and you don't want to make your co-parent mad at you or unhappy or tell tell you that you're the problem or you're the high conflict person. And so you can kind of continue with that pattern until you are aware of it, and then you start doing just small things to kind of hit the reset button and break out of that so that you can stay more aligned with who you are and your your truth.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

That's really good. Thank you. Self-abandon, look out for that. Yes. What do you think the hardest part of divorce is that nobody warns you about? Like I would think it would be like losing family or losing close friends.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Um, I mean, that's so hard to even pick one girl. Um, I think one of the things that people don't talk about is the guilt that you can feel even when you know the relationship was unhealthy, because a lot of women still carry that narrative of, well, if only, if only I tried harder, or if only I communicated better, or if only I gave him another chance, you know, maybe he would change, or um, or that they ruined the family or broke up the family. And then they carry that with them. And so that's uh it's a it's it's complicated. You can know somebody's not good for you and still carry that that guilt, especially if you're a mom, like that mom guilt of, but but now I have this situation and it's my fault, and I chose this person and I married them and I had kids with them, and now it's my fault that this person stuck with them as a dad, you know? There's a lot of that. So I think that's one of the hardest parts is like, yeah, the divorce can happen and there's a lot that comes up, but then it's also just like the grief, the guilt, um, sometimes the shame, you know, the the the fear, the overwhelm, just all those things that come up when when you start this whole new chapter of your life because you're it's essentially like standing at the you know, the precipice of a of a cliff, and you have absolutely no idea what is waiting for you down below. Like all you know is you gotta jump. And then you don't know what else is coming because it's all there's so many things that are outside of your control. And you just have to do your best to focus on what you can control and keep yourself regulated. You know, emotional regulation, nervous system regulation is so important. Um, and just take things one step at a time.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Yes, very good advice, especially when you're navigating it uh with motherhood.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

As moms, we don't get to fall apart um because we have to make our contact us or make sure that their needs are taken care of. So, how would how did you navigate motherhood while healing?

SPEAKER_00 13:53

I think there's a balance. I I think sometimes it is okay for your kids to see you fall apart because it communicates to them that you're human and sometimes life is hard and adversity happens, and you can have big feelings too. And I think that that's even more powerful for our kids because then you're teaching them life skills. We can't protect our kids from every adversity, right? Life is gonna smack them in the face a few times and there's nothing that we could do about it. So I feel like we empower our kids by teaching them how to navigate adversity in healthy ways, showing them your coping mechanisms, right? What do you do when you're angry or when you're sad or when you're scared? How do you process it? How do you work through those emotions? So instead of hiding it from them, it's showing them that you feel these feelings too. But then here's a tool, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm really angry about this, uh, but I'm gonna take a pillow and I'm gonna scream into this pillow until I feel better, right? Showing them the tools to cope with their emotions so that they can take those skills with them and apply them in their own lives when things happen to them and they, you know, they will. Very good advice. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Were there days that you felt like you had nothing left to give? And then, of course, I know we all feel that way. So then what advice would you give to anyone that feels like they have nothing left to give right now?

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Yeah, that's totally okay. Like when you're going through a divorce, that is not your gold medal season. Like, you don't need to be perfect. You you you need to have realistic expectations, meet, you know, treat yourself with compassion, be patient with yourself. You have you have a lot going on and a lot to work through. You don't need to be the perfect number one mom all the time. Uh, I think that's the most important takeaway and and reminder is you just have to do what you need to do to get yourself to a place where you at least can feel more grounded. Um, you don't have to be feeling amazing and like your best self, but when you can figure out what you need, meet those needs, and then keep yourself emotionally regulated, you'll be able to show up for your kids in a completely different way than if you're just constantly overwhelmed and you're feeling like you're drowning all the time.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Yeah, very good. And then how did you protect your children emotionally while managing your own emotional pain and situation?

SPEAKER_00 16:34

So during my well, that's a good question. During my first divorce, my daughter was like a little over two. So she really didn't know what was happening. Um, second divorce, she was about seven, I believe. Um, and so I just try to be honest with her, but also only give her the details that I felt were appropriate. You know, your kids, depending on the age, you know, you want to have age-appropriate conversations with them. They don't need all the nitty-gritty, they don't need to know everything that happened. They just need to essentially kids just want to know how does this affect me, right? What does this look like for me now? Do I change schools? Do I have a new bedroom? Like, does my schedule change on the weekends? So that's really all you have, you know, that's the majority of the stuff that you your kids need to know. And so I think just creating a space where she felt like she could come to me and ask questions and I would be honest, and she also had the space in my home where she could have all the emotions and and it was okay, and and allowing her whatever that looked like to happen, um, and just kind of supporting her that way. I just have one daughter.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Very good. I like that making sure that you just have them looking. Yeah, you don't have to overhair. Right. I think sometimes I overhare I don't I mean I think terrible happens. I don't overhair uh, so we need for very long so we don't have to yeah, we can I could probably find a better way to put it on so honestly. I'm really curious to okay, so yeah, I'm curious to see how they want to see rebuilding your identity or something. Uh I know that is something that I know that a lot of people struggle with. Rebooting your identity. So were you before motherhood? And then who would you say you are after?

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Well, I think before before motherhood, I really didn't know what my identity was. And then when I got married and I had a baby, that became my identity because I really didn't know better. And so through through the work that I've done over the years, I've learned that being a wife and being a mom is not an identity. Those are roles, those are just roles that we play. It's not who we are. And so when it comes to building your identity again, it's making sure that you're not tying yourself to those past roles, like as you're kind of becoming this new version of yourself and give yourself time to like figure out what you actually like. Like I had the opportunity to then figure out, well, what do I actually like? What do I enjoy? Not, you know, I need to compromise, or I I only I only watch this TV show because my husband likes this TV show, or I, you know, go here on vacation because that's where they wanted to go on vacation. It's like, well, what do you want? What do you actually like? You know, those just that little that question that you that we don't ask ourselves can help you kind of figure out who you are. And and you also want to make sure that your your routines and habits and environment reflect who you're becoming, who you want to be, not who you were.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

That makes sense. I really like that. I feel like I've been in a vlog the last few years, and now I would like things to be back to being organized. Okay. And then I like how you just said um find little bits to help find reconnect to yourself. I think if you um finding little bits of what you like again can help you reconnect to yourself after holding someone else first for some reasons.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Yes. So one of the things I did personally, because you asked me like about my identity, is um as my second marriage was was crumbling, um, I decided I wanted to join a band uh because I just always loved to sing, but I was kind of like a closet singer. I didn't like tell anybody about it. But I'm like, you know what? New chapter, new me. So I went online and I found a local cover band that was auditioning a lot lead singer vocalists. And I drove to the audition and I was terrified. I was like shaking and sweating the whole way there. Um, but I I showed up, I did my best, and I ended up getting the part. And so then I had I was lead singer of a classic rock cover band. And um, and still to this day, I am I I do that as well. It's a different band now, but um, but that gave me so much confidence and fulfillment, and I had so much fun and it was something to look forward to, and it was an outlet, you know, like a creative outlet, and it opened up opportunities to meet other like-minded people and musicians, and so just that one thing, like me deciding to do the scary thing because there was something that was calling me to it, really opened the door to all these other benefits in my life. And so it's it's kind of asking yourself that like what do you like? What do you enjoy? What did you maybe you used to do, but then you stopped because you didn't have time anymore, or you were always curious about something, but you were afraid of what people would think. You know, there's so many different things that we're drawn to. Do the thing, like especially after divorce, this is your time to explore and experiment and discover and just like figure out what you like and what makes you happy, and it will bring you so much fulfillment and confidence.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

I love that. That is so great. And congratulations and good part and good for you. That is so fantastic. Yeah, just go for it. Yeah, it scared you.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Yes. That's what builds confidence, right? Like a lot of people, I think, have that backwards. You know, they they wait to get the confidence to do the scary thing. They're like, oh, I just need to prepare more. I need to wait, I need more time, I need to. Confidence comes out. After, like confidence comes after you do the scary thing, scared, and then you go, Oh, okay, I did it. You know, I here I am. I'm still in one piece, I'm still alive. Okay, your confidence builds a little bit, and you're like, Well, if I could do that, maybe I can do this, and then you do that thing scared, and then you go, okay, I could do that too, right? Like, confidence doesn't come first, it comes after.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Right. And you talk about um self-trust. So, what does self-trust actually mean?

SPEAKER_00 24:44

Self-trust is essentially it's not, I'll tell you what it's not. It's not always having the right answer. It's it's knowing that whatever happens, you trust yourself to get through it. So a lot of us really struggle to make tough decisions, especially if you have been in like a toxic relationship or like a narcissistic relationship where you have all of this self-doubt and all these limiting beliefs, this inner narrative that's really working against you. Um, maybe you don't trust your parenting decisions because your ex told you that you were a terrible mother, right? There's lots of things that contribute to maybe why we don't trust ourselves anymore. So that self-trust is built through small, small things, like changes. Like, for example, we're so intuitive, like especially as women, we're like magical, right? Our gut instinct is usually right. But what happens is we we get that gut instinct and then we dismiss it, or we talk ourselves out of it, or we wait, and then fear and overthinking and everything kind of like has us spiraling. So a way to start slowly building self-trust is to start jumping on that first instinct before the fear and overwhelm and overthinking play into it. Just listen to that little nudge and go with it. And is that gonna be right 100% of the time? No, probably not. But one of two things is gonna happen. It's either gonna take you to a result that you're happy with or you're gonna learn something. And then you take that information and you bring it with you, and then you use that when you're making other decisions. Another way to slowly start building self-trust is to stop polling everybody for every decision that you make. So many people are asking for way too many opinions. You start building self-trust when you when you trust your own instincts and make the decision without asking you know a million other people what you should do. It's like when you're doing that, you're reinforcing to your subconscious that you you can't trust your own instincts.

SPEAKER_01 26:59

That's good. I like how you said don't call people because I definitely do that, or I used to do that. And then I realize how it makes me just like so cloudy and I don't know. Right. That's what I thought is what I want to advise. Yeah, so that's really good advice. Thank you. And then why do you think boundaries are difficult for some people to set? And what's one boundary every divorce character should learn?

SPEAKER_00 27:29

So they're difficult because usually self of self-abandonment, right? Like we are we've always been trying to keep the peace, we don't want to rock the boat, we don't want to be rejected, we want to stay small and be uh accepted. And um so when that happens, you're probably not setting boundaries because you're just wanting to make everybody else comfortable. And so it becomes difficult because you're essentially it's not the boundary usually we're afraid of. We're afraid of the other person's reaction to the boundary. And so setting a boundary and starting to get good at setting boundaries is really getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It's reminding yourself the intention behind it. Usually a boundary, it's not to control someone else because we can never do that. We can never control what anyone else is doing or saying. A boundary is really to protect your peace and well-being. So it's you just deciding that you will or will not tolerate certain things. And that's where the boundary comes in. It's it's to help you stay in alignment. Um, and so, like a common boundary that might come up with after divorce, especially if you're a mom, it's probably gonna be in co-parenting. Um, if you have somebody who isn't collaborative or cooperative, then you probably need all kinds of boundaries. But one that often comes up with my clients is they usually communicate through like a co-parenting app or email or some. They have some kind of like system that they have in place that they're supposed to do all their co-parenting communication in. And if you have somebody that um is uh maybe more high conflict, they will push those boundaries as often as possible. They'll text you things they probably shouldn't be, they'll call you. Um, they'll basically it's like there, you know, any rules are beneath them and they're gonna do what they want to do. So that's most likely there's gonna be a time where you're gonna need to implement boundaries. And a boundary could be something as simple as um all co-parenting communication will be kept in our family wizard, for example. You know, that's the one of the co-parenting apps. That could be a boundary. And so then it's like, again, you can't change him, you can't stop him from messaging you or calling you or texting you, but you've already stated that boundary. So now you have to stick to it. That means if he's texting you or calling you with a with a co-parenting question, you are not picking up that phone, you are not having that conversation, you are not texting him back, you are keeping all of your co-parenting communication in that app. That's essentially training him that that's the only way you're gonna do it. And so that's just one example of maybe a boundary that you might have to set in co-parenting after divorce.

SPEAKER_01 30:19

What would you say to the women who are currently going through a divorce?

SPEAKER_00 30:25

I would say get support. You're not supposed to figure this out by yourself. You know, it's it's going to feel so much better if you can get some tools and support and guidance from women who have been through it themselves or maybe are just a couple of steps ahead of you. There's there's so much clarity that can come from learning from others.

SPEAKER_01 30:46

And what if she's terrified?

SPEAKER_00 30:49

Of divorce? Yes. Or of what comes next? Or of both. That's okay. I if you weren't terrified, then I that would probably be more surprising to me. Um, it's okay to be terrified, but being scared doesn't mean it's not the right path. Most of the time we're scared because we're stepping into the unknown. And our brains are not wired for that. Our brains are wired to keep us safe and in predictable environments. And so when we're about to step into something where we have no idea what comes next, our brains are gonna be sounding those alarms, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what if this happens and that happens and this again? You gotta go back to where it's safe and predictable. So you can say, okay, thank you, brain, for trying to keep me safe. Um, but I'm going to move forward because this is the right decision for me. And I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna take it day by day. I'm gonna get support. I'm gonna use tools, I'm gonna heal, I'm going to cultivate self-awareness and regulate my emotions, and I'm gonna figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

All right, this might be a hard one, but what if she's responded to it took the steps that feels like she's that is all perspective, right?

SPEAKER_00 32:06

If you feeling like you failed is not a fact. You can't, you can't, uh there's no, there's no um data that could back that up. It's a it's a perspective. And honestly, I truly believe that a divorce is only a failure if you learned absolutely nothing. And that's pretty hard to do, right? There has to be something that you know now that you didn't know before. And that is the golden nugget. You you reflect on that relationship and you say, where was I mentally and emotionally when I started that relationship? What boundaries wasn't I setting? What red flags that I miss or ignore? What do I never want to tolerate again in a relationship? You take all of that information and you bring it with you. That's not a failure. You're learning, you you're wiser now, you're stronger, you're more resilient, and you're gonna make better choices.

SPEAKER_01 32:59

Great. And then would you say the first step to healing would be to find support?

SPEAKER_00 33:06

I think that that's that would always be my recommendation because when we're doing things alone, can you do it? Can you figure it out? Of course. It will probably take longer. You'll probably um make some more mistakes that make it a little more painful, like me. Like you might have to go through maybe another divorce before you figure that stuff out. Um, but if you get if you get support, it's like you're you're getting a blueprint, you're getting the map, right? Which you know, could you could you get from New York to California figuring it on your own? Yeah, eventually. But like it's a lot easier if you just have a map that gets you from point A to point B.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

Amazing. And can we play a quick rapid fire game? Sure. All right, so I'm gonna say um this is just like finish the sentence.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:54

So divorce taught me to never settle. Motherhood taught me.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

I'm stronger than I thought I was. Coming home to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 34:14

Thank you so much for your wisdom and sharing your knowledge with us today. Thank you. Where can our listeners find you and um hear more or connect with you?

SPEAKER_00 34:26

Yes. So you can find me on all the socials. I'm on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. My handle is at mindfully ready, or you can go to my website, mindfullyready.com.

SPEAKER_01 34:37

I love that. Thank you so much. I hope our listeners find you and get support um from their communities or from you as a divorce coach, because it is so important to not walk through life alone. Thank you. Thanks for having me.