Holding Grief & Hope Together

Holding Grief & Hope Together

with: Jen Donaldson

In this deeply tender episode of the Rooted Podcast, Crystal sits down with Jen Donaldson to talk about the unimaginable reality of grieving the loss of a child while continuing to live and find hope in this life. 

Jen shares how loss profoundly impacted every part of her life, yet through the pain, God began bringing beauty from ashes. Rather than ignoring grief or rushing past it, Jen beautifully embraces the reality of sorrow while courageously taking steps forward in healing and purpose.

Through her journey, Jen felt called into a new season — pursuing a career in nursing to help care for other families. She also founded The Blakelyn Foundation, a non-profit that helps families facing medical and funeral expenses while also providing meaningful keepsake memorabilia to honor and remember their babies.

This conversation is honest, hope-filled, and a reminder that even in our deepest heartbreak, God is still near, still working, and still bringing beauty from ashes.

“...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes...” — Isaiah 61:3

You can find out more about The Blakelyn Foundation here: https://www.blakelynfoundation.org/

https://www.therootedministry.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You are listening to the Rooted Podcast with Crystal War. Together we go deeper in order to live lives that bear more fruit. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody, and welcome to the Rooted Podcast. I'm excited for you to meet our guest today. I love her. You're gonna love her. Um, I kind of have to love her because she's family, but she also chose to be our family. She married my cousin, so she picked this life. And I've loved her since I met her, and I'm excited to have her on today. I'm excited for you all to hear a little bit about who she is and her story. So a little bit about Jen. I married my cousin Tyson, and they have three amazing boys: Brody, Bryce, and Brett. They also have a precious baby girl who is in heaven, Blakeland, and we're going to be talking a lot about Blakeland today because she made a huge impact with her little life. And she's actually changed so much about Jen and Tyson, their life, the way that their family operates, even their careers, and just a way for Jen to share what it looks like to walk through grief, but also continue to thrive and continue to live. So, Jen, I want to hear a little bit from you. Tell us about Lakeland. Tell us about, so when you got pregnant with her, you already had two boys. Of course, you're so excited to find out you're pregnant again.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Yeah. So two boys. I was outnumbered, Tyson and two boys who were just like him. So when we found out we were pregnant again and that it was a little girl, you know, so excited. I finally get to do the the pink and the ribbons and and have a little mini me, a little best friend. And um I was just very excited about that. And then, you know, as right before we found out that we were having a girl, we also found out that she had some a chromosomal issue. She had something called Turner syndrome, just where her she was missing an X chromosome. And unfortunately for her, that did not give her a um, unfortunately for us, that did not give us a great outlook for her. Everything was was unknown. You we were given the option to terminate, but that was out of the question for me. So we just prayed and prayed and went to to every every uh doctor's appointment, you know, hoping for the best. She knows things, things like that, they don't happen to me and people I know. They happen to other people. These there's stories that you hear about happening to other people. It's something that you never think would happen to you. And then and then it did. One of the last doctor's appointments we went to told that her heart was no longer beating. We knew before they told us we had had enough ultrasounds at that point to know what we were looking at. And um, so we knew before they told us. And we went in to the hospital that night, we were induced, and she was born the next morning, and then we got to spend a little bit of time with her. And then that that evening, the funeral home came and took her, and then Tyson and I left with a little box of stuff with her, a little box of pictures and um a blanket that um a church group had made, and and we went we went home and had to tell our boys and the rest of the family and our friends who didn't know. And so that's that's that's Blakeland's story. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

And you know, I think the reason why obviously because I love you guys so much, so my heart was just like breaking with you as even from the first time we found out the news that she had Turner syndrome. But, you know, I was going through a lot of my own stuff at the time that you guys lost Blakeland. And so Ren and I came and stayed with you guys one weekend. And I think grief can go one of two ways for so many people. You know, you either just get weighed down and paralyzed by the heaviness of the pain, or you tend to kind of run from it and overachieve and and just produce and strive. And I was guilty of being more of the runner. And so, like being with you, even though our situations were so different, you you know, you would say things like, you know, I I love her as much as I love my boys. This is no different than if I were to have lost one of my boys. And I, you know, you were there was such a beauty in the way that you allowed yourself to grieve. And of course you still had to continue doing life, you know, at that time you had two kids and life goes on. But it was like the way that you so beautifully allowed yourself to feel what you guys were walking through, it was like I was like, okay, like you can grieve things, you can grieve things in a way that still life can have joy and life can go on, but you recognize, you know, what had happened. And so, you know, I think all of the time when I think of you guys and just what you've done post-losing Blakeland, um, it's beauty from ashes, you know, joy for for the morning. And I'm so thankful for how it's changed you and Tyson. Although, of course, we never would have chosen this, like this would not be this wouldn't be it, right? It like if it were up to us, Blakeland would be here 10 years old doing cartwheels in the yard. But, you know, you guys, after you lost her, it changed the way that you see everything. Do you want to tell us a little bit about like your career changes and then also moving into you founded the the Blakeland Foundation um after losing her?

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Yeah. Um, so you know, you're right about grieving one way or another. And I I tried to do a little bit of both. You know, I didn't want I I was sad. Obviously, I was sad and I sat around for that first week. Tyson was off with me. And then, you know, a after that for a couple of days, I stayed home by myself. The kids went back to school and it was just me there, and I hated being there by myself. Um I wanted to be around people, and so I I tried to hurry up and go back to work and and be around people and do that that go, go, go thing. And that really wasn't good for me either. You know, I needed that time to sit and grieve whatever that looked like. Um so I um I love telling the story because it it's it's crazy, but it's crazy. Um one night, one morning, I I I woke up, I woke up before Tyson and I sat up in bed and I just remember I don't know if I had a dream or what it was, but I woke up like with this overwhelming urge telling me that I needed to go back to school for nursing, that I could, I could be a labor and delivery nurse and help other people through what we had been through. And then I thought, that's crazy. I'm I've got a career. I love my career. Why would I go back to school and you know, put myself through that financial stress for a few years just for this dream that I had? And then it was about 10 minutes after Tyson sat up in bed and he goes, Hey Jen, I think you need to go back to school for nursing and and you could be a labor and delivery nurse. And I was like, Oh, okay. So um, you know, I I felt after Blakeland, I I felt this this pull that to do something more. Um, I just I just wanted to to do something more. You know, I I always have told the boys that they can they're gonna do big things and then anything they they want to do, as long as they put their mind to it, they can do it. And, you know, I wanted the the same for for Blakeland. I wanted her name to live on and whatever whatever that looked like. And I um applied to go back to school and I got back in school, eventually got into nursing school, and then um after that, I um I wanted to get into this one school that was really close and it was a lot cheaper, and I could get the scholarships to go there so that I we wouldn't go broke while I was in school. But I could not get in that school. You you get in that school, they like they open classes once a year, 75 people get in, and I could not get into that school. I was a top 100, but could not get that top 75. And so I started taking extra classes to get into the university, still a little closer, but more expensive. And I got in first try, and I was like, okay, well, maybe I'm supposed to be here. And I met the right people while I was in school there that that I got on at the hospital and started working there while I was in school. So looking back now, I see it was all part of the plan. And then Tyson, too, he was in the Marines for a while, and then when he got out, he went and joined the corporate world and hated it. He just felt like he didn't have a purpose, he wasn't serving anyone. I mean, he just felt like he was at an an endless job doing nothing. And so he wanted something with the purpose, and he got on at the fire department in our town where he could serve his community and and people and and help people and actually feel like he had had worth. So we both we both did that. And while I was working up at the hospital, I was on I was in the postpartum unit and I got to float to labor and delivery and and and NICU and kind of see which areas I liked best. And it was it was NICU. NICU's where I felt drawn to, where I felt like I needed to be, where I felt like I could make the biggest impact. And and they were hiring. They had one physician and they usually don't hire students, and she just said, we're gonna we'll hire you. And I'm like, Great, this is great, what an opportunity. And so I got on at the in in NICU and started, and I've been there three and a half years now, and I mean I know every day that it is right, right where I'm meant to be. And I'm in late 2019, I was driving down the road thinking one day, and um, I was like, hey, Tyson, maybe what if we started a a nonprofit and helped other families going through this? And he's like, I think that's a good idea. And usually Tyson's one that tells me that's a terrible idea or I don't think you know what you're getting into. And um he said he said it was a good idea. So automatically I was a little skeptical. I called my friend um and I said it to her because you know she would tell me straight. And she also said the same thing. I think that's a great idea. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna call my dad because I've had two people, I need somebody to tell me no. And he I called him and he said the same thing. That's a great idea. And so we looked into it, got it started. We were gonna plan a K to um get the ball rolling and bring in funds, and somehow it all it all worked out. I mean, it I've never ran a foundation before. I I didn't know what I was doing. I was in nursing school at the same time. I didn't have time to do either one of those and raise a family. Yeah, but it all worked out. Everything all came together and it hasn't been easy, but it but we've it's been doable and we've we've gotten it done. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:37

It's and I think, you know, the boys have seen you guys walk through this. They've obviously had a a front row seat to how it's changed your lives, to how it's changed your careers. Um I'm sure even, you know, just in your outlook on things, you know, like they've had a front row seat and and also they've been a part of the building of Blakeland Foundation. Like I loved when I came up for the Brave Run the year that I came, like watching their schoolmates cheer and uh, of course, seeing all the names, like everybody there had had their their babies' names, and that's important to to parents and families to hear their babies' names. And so, but I could tell how much your community loved you. Like I get emotional thinking about it. Of course, I love you guys, but like your community to me that's just like God's kindness, you know, that number one, he would steer you through all of the things and and the dreams and visions that you had, but in his kindness, he has surrounded you by people that have literally just supported you and loved you, and because of that, you've been able to make a huge difference. You know, Blakeland's name makes a huge difference for these families. Like this, this little girl has made such an impact. But also, I know I've been thinking about this lately about how the Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart, and it certainly wasn't because he was perfect or sinless or had it altogether. And that gives me hope because I don't either. But I think one of the things that David did well was he poured his heart out to the Lord. Like if he was happy, he talked about it. If he was sad, he talked about it. If he had enemies, like he wanted the Lord to kill him. He was so honest before the Lord. And I even think about like you walking through this. I I know that grief never goes away. I know that 10 years later you still grieve, Blakeland. But like, has that been something that has helped or or what has been something that has helped you like as you go before the Lord in your conversations with him?

SPEAKER_00 12:39

I mean, I just just like that, you know, I I try to be honest. I've been trying to be an open book in all of this because that that was one thing that that we that I remember facing is, you know, I I wanted to talk about her. And if if you bring up child loss to somebody who's never lost one, immediately they're uncomfortable and you can tell that they don't want to talk about it. And it's because it's not a very talked-about subject, unfortunately. And so I was just honest about it. I I would talk about it. If I knew that someone else was going through it before we started the foundation, I would, I would talk to them about it. I would talk to other peop people about it. I I let it know that it is not gonna hurt my feelings if if you bring her up. I want her to be brought up. I want her to be remembered, you know, even 10 years down the road, she like we celebrate her birthday every year. You know, like she's she's not physically with us, but we still celebrate her and her milestones as if as if she were. Um, and so that that's one thing that that has helped us. Um and you know, the boy the boys talking about her to the boys, you know they don't remember too much, you Bryce and Brody, they were four and five at the time. Um, but we've still talked about her in our in our home. It's a it's a something that we mention every few days, whether it's something from the foundation or from her. Um see. And then, you know, with you know, all of their they're in high school now, so they need volunteer hours. So their friends need volunteer hours, so they come over and they help me bag up gift bags for the hospital or they help me pack up the wind chimes to be shipped out that that each family gets. So they they help out with that. So their their friends know about it as well. And just, you know, doing what I can to keep her name alive has helped. And then uh earlier on, like you said, with David and how he was excited to God and mad at God and wanted God to kill his enemies, I didn't I didn't pray for that. But, you know, I um, you know, I I would I would ask why, you know, through through tears in the middle of the night, you know, whatever it, whatever it was, I would, you know, I would still pray and talk. And even though I I didn't understand the why, um, you know, I I just still I I didn't turn away from that faith because I knew that that there was a a bigger plan that I wasn't sure of yet. And that that one day, I mean it may not even be until I'm in heaven one day and I'm greeted by this little girl running up to see me, hopefully, you know, one day I'll understand and and that's that's the only answer that that I need.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Yeah, I I mean that's there's so many things on this side of eternity that I don't think we'll understand, you know, questions that we could ask over and over again and our minds just can't comprehend it. But thank goodness for that hope of heaven. Like that I'm sure that's one of the things that's kept you going is that the hope of heaven and that one day you'll get to you'll get to see her and hold her and and hug her and all the things that you can just you can just actually dream, you know, immeasurably more. Yes. So tell us a little bit. I want um everyone to hear about the Blakeland Foundation, about what all you guys do, and then also I want them to hear about the Brave Run. This is coming out in June, so anybody who's interested, whether they drive up or maybe they're local, they actually could sign up and come and be a part of the Brave Run with you guys.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Yeah. Um, it'll be in August this year, at the end of August, August 29th is the date. Okay, this year. But we we started that again because, you know, people didn't want to talk about it and it and it made other people, you know, whenever whenever I talked about it, people would say, I've I've lost a baby. And you know, you would you would hear these stories from from other people who would and you had no idea because they had never talked about it because they knew how that awkward conversation flowed. So, you know, I I wanted that. I wanted to be able to have it be talked about without people getting upset or uncomfortable because everybody knows somebody who's experienced it. So there was that. And then Tyson and I were fortunate enough to be able to cover our bills after that. But I still remember the day standing in the front yard after I'd checked the mail and looking over this itemized bill from the hospital that said labor and delivery and the epidural and the different medicines I was giving, recovery room, you know, all of all of that stuff, just itemized there for me to look at. And then just knowing that I'm paying for all of this stuff, but I don't have a baby to show for it. And that was just a kick in the gut. You know, we're trying to figure out, navigate how to go from here, and then and then that comes. So, and then, you know, paying for going to a funeral home and and picking out an urn. That is not something I ever imagined myself doing. And so we just wanted to alleviate some of that financial burden where we could so that people could focus on their grieving and their healing and their moving forward instead of I have to call and make this medical bill or I have to write a check to so-and-so to pay for this. We just wanted to take away a little bit of that where we could. So people will we have an application that we send to people, they will get it either through social media, email, or through the hospital. There's several local hospitals here that we have our information at. And these either the chaplain will reach out or the parents will reach out or some of their nurses, and you know, we send them our stuff and they'll fill out this application. We give them a chance in the application to write their story about their baby so that they can tell their story, and then we share their story so that other people can read and share their story. And then they'll also send a copy of their funeral bill or hospital bill, and then we will call and make a payment on that for them. And then every family gets a wind chime and it's got their baby's full name and their little birth and their birth date or um date of death engraved on a cell. And that's so they can have it, you know, outside just as a just as a you know, memory, memorial item. Um, I used to hear ours outside in the wind while the boys are outside playing and just hearing, you know, their voices running around playing and then hearing that wind chime at the same time. Do you can't help but imagine all of them playing together? Yeah. So that's something that we do for for each family.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

I love that. And it's grown. I mean, it's actually it started out big. Like you, you started out. You've never had a small year, but just this past year, tell us about how much you were able to give away and how much you've been able to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

So last year was our biggest year. We sent out 148 wind chimes, so 148 families, and we paid right at $90,000 towards funeral and medical expenses, which is something that I never dreamt of, never could have imagined that it would go this far. I don't remember thinking where it would go, but I never thought that it would grow this big. And it's very bittersweet.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I understand that. That's so cool though, when you think about it, just because I think you guys, God's hand is on it, obviously. He's used it to help you all, and he's also used it to help other people. And so I don't see it slowing down anytime soon. But here we are, you know, 10 years after after w losing Blakeland. And like look at what she has been able to do, like look at what the impact that she's been able to do. Like you're parenting her through a different way, and it's it's helping other families.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

Yes. Um, and that's that's one of the other that's one of the other things that kind of helps, you know, get get by still is you know, knowing that our experience and what we went through, but we can take that and be there for for other families. And I've I've sat in hospital rooms with parents as, you know, right before, during, or right after they they lose their baby. And just being able to share that bond with them is, you know, it's it's it's healing. As soon as you find out that there's somebody that that knows what you're going through, that has experienced it in some way, it's it's healing and it brings a little bit of peace because immediately you don't feel so alone and isolated. And it's still after all this time getting to be there for those families, it's a little healing for me each time too, because I know that that God's using what what we went through for us to be able to be a source of comfort to these these families. Um, so that's that's still a little healing for me after all this time.

SPEAKER_01 21:26

Yeah, I love that. Of course, we know that he never causes pain, but he will use it. And he is, he's continuing to use it. And even the relatability factor, you know, that that God loved us enough that he allowed his only son to come to the earth and experience everything. There's no emotion that he was saved from. The Bible said that he experienced all of the human things, all the human emotions, and um that he was able to do that and still be sinless. But now we have him, we have Jesus who relates to us in every way, and he's at the right hand of the Father praying and interceding. for us and you know just like it's beautiful for your story. It's beautiful in the big picture too of how much God loves us. He loves his kids and how Jesus relates to all of us. So I'm so proud of you all. I love your family. I'm so thankful for your family and the way that you're raising the boys and I you know I could see them years down the road continuing this foundation and continuing to make a difference. So it's just incredible. I hope that you're able to sit back and realize that and take it all in.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Yeah. It's um it's definitely you know no nobody plans to raise their family like that. But I've I've seen this seen them be there for like if they can sense if someone's having a bad day and they've you know like I I remember when they were younger in elementary school getting letters sent home talking about how sweet they were and you know one of them a kid was having a bad day and and one of mine you know comforted them in whatever way and and that just you know that I mean it just melts you a little bit inside knowing that you know your kids are there to comfort other people and um yeah that they're they're definitely good kids. They're good kids. Yeah they're amazing. Which is great coming from Tyson's family.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

That's saying a lot. Yeah oh it's either your side of the family or God. It ain't this side of the family for sure. I'm just kidding. All right well thank you for being on today and for sharing part of your story. I'll pray for us and then and then we'll hop off. God, thank you so much for your goodness. Thank you for the joy that you give us even in the darkest night Lord that your joy can meet us um that you allow us to to walk through hard things that you want to hear every single thing that we're going through that you want us to share those things with you. All of our questions all of our hurt all of our pain um and that you use it all that you waste nothing Lord that you never cause anything that's bad Lord but you can use all things to help us and to help others and ultimately to glorify you. So thank you um and thank you so much for the hope of heaven that one day we'll get to see Blakeland. So thank you Jesus in your mighty name we pray. Amen. Thank you all so much for tuning in. I hope that as you listen to Jen's story it serves as a reminder that God is still able to show up in practical ways that he can meet us and comfort us through his Holy Spirit and also through other people that he brings us into relationship with that there is hope here on this side of eternity and then there's also the ultimate hope of heaven when we're able to see things and and have our questions answered that otherwise will probably never be answered here on earth. So I'm thankful for Jen. I'm thankful for her story and I'm so so thankful for a God that meets us right where we're at when we say that he can make beauty from ashes that's not just an old testament verse. That's something that he's still doing today for us. I want to remind you all about our conference that's happening in September partnering with Virtue by Design to bring you the Motherhood conference. And if you have any questions about this go to the websiteRoodministry dot com. There you'll see a page that says Rooted in virtue that's going to give you all of the conference information that's going to give you the link to sign up that's open now. It's gonna be fun guys Wednesday night is going to be a night of worship a really fun speaker and dinner out by the lake Thursday is when our conference kicks off there'll be shopping both days and then Thursday we're gonna have a panel of moms. We're gonna have our keynote speaker who's a licensed professional counselor. She's a friend of mine I can't wait for you all to hear from her and it's just gonna be filled with a lot of good things some practical things some some spiritual things of course it's all going to be rooted in scripture and what God has to say. And it's just gonna be fun to be together at this beautiful venue and hopefully kind of check out of all of our responsibilities for a little while and enjoy being together. So please go to the website check it out and I look forward to seeing you September 16th and September 17th